I do not fear God.

[Reformed Catholic]

Greetings. Before I start, I would like to say that I have only been a Christian for less than 2 years, and I was raised by my parents in a completely secular manner without any religious education whatsoever, so if anything I say sounds spiritually immature, it's because it's just that -- I would by no means consider myself spiritually mature, though I have been striving to grow in the Lord.

I have been plagued by this thought the last few days.

I was taking an exam for a college class the other day and we were all in one classroom, but taking the exam on our individual laptops with no security measures. I realized how easy it was to cheat, but the thought that kept me from doing so was the fact that there might be some sort of trap set by the professors, and the prospect of being caught cheating and getting a 0 was what I feared. Later on, I realized that not doing it simply due to it being wrong and God watching was not the main reason.

The reason I gave this example is that it has been the pattern far too often in my life. Something being lawfully illegal, or having actual, tangible, immediate consequences will be a far more effective force in keeping me away from doing something compared to something only being sinful. The reason, I think, is that I do not fear God as much as I fear worldly authorities. If I feared God, and genuinely believed in Him being all-seeing, than surely that thought would compel me to live equally righteously both when other people are watching, and when no one is; both when there are immediate consequences for doing wrong as well as when there seems to be no worldly consequence for doing something immoral.

I have oft prayed to God to give me a greater fear of Him. I have read about God's holiness and His hatred of sin, but, as much as I hate to say this, oftentimes I use God's grace and mercy and Christ's atonement as an excuse to sin and not be afraid of any consequences or punishment by God. I would like to say that I hate my sin and want it killed, but if I indulge in sin so often with little horror of offending a holy God, can I really say so? It's very easy for someone to deceive themselves and others and live hypocritically, thinking that they desire God and holiness, while not living that out consistently. If I sin, it is because I love sin, is it not? So, though I can logically say that I hate my sin 99% of the time, if I indulge in the same sin 1% of the day --the same sin I claim to hate-- I would be lying.

I do not fear God. I love my sin. I live my life like a hypocrite because outwardly everyone thinks I have my spiritual life all in order, even though I often neglect prayer, my daily Scripture readings, and purity of mind. Must I re-examine whether I am even of the faith in the first place? In moments of terrible sorrow I have often desired for God to strike me severely so as to instill a deep fear of Him in my heart. How can I grow to fear God more? Please pray for me brothers.

 

[J.L. Allen]

Brother,

Let's try to take this slowly. First, let us not go to the place of fearing that we are not belonging to the Lord at all. God is aware that you are not worthy. This is precisely why he sent his Son into the world to save sinners such as yourself. Brother, it would appear that your conscience is pricked and that you are responding. That is something that no unbeliever does. Sure, an unbeliever may have worldly sorrow, but it never seeks the good countenance of God upon them.

Brother, all of us try to protect our sins in some measure. Sometimes that urge to protect our sin is stronger than at other times. Also, let us not discount fear of authority. God placed any and all authorities where they are that man might fear them and do good. You are responding to that authority as you ought. Pray for the Holy Spirit to work on your heart that you may also fear the Lord first and foremost. But let me also say something here about that. Pray that you don't wish to offend God by your love for him. He must give you the love to love him with. We cannot conjure any such affections within ourselves by our own might. God, by his Spirit sanctifies us that love grows within us. We then exercise and express that love back toward him.

Brother, you are loved by the Lord. You are loved by the rest of us as Christians. I know what it's like to doubt my salvation. Blessed assurance has often been elusive to me. Yet it does come with time. Perhaps it isn't always so strong, but it is there.

 

[J.L. Allen]

Also, you are still an infant in your faith. This is a beautiful thing. However, it means that you have much growing to do. Think of what John says in 1 John 2, "I write unto you, little children, because your sins are forgiven you for his name's sake." and "I write unto you little children, because ye have known the Father." This even goes for us when we are hypocrites!

Brother, look at that passage and see what is in store for you as you progress. You will later read of the "young men" and of the "fathers." However, you are not there yet. Press on in the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within you.

 

[Jerusalem Blade]

Hello Omar,

It is good that you make yourself transparent, and seek counsel from the brethren – which bespeaks a deep sincerity in your dealings with God.

Why not go to Him directly and seek His aid in this? He will not quench His child's desire to become more mature. You could take from David's psalm his own prayer: "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right [or steadfast] spirit within me" (Psalm 50:10). All those who come to Him he will not turn away (John 6:37), especially after He has directly spoken to you and your burden, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest..." (Matt 11:28-30).

It is by His word, and promises in it, that we must live. For they are what is real, and not the phantasmagoria of doubts and deceptions that intrude upon our thinking. Such as the parable of the publican and the Pharisee (Luke 18:9,10,11,12,13,14), where it is the humbling and grieving tax collector that went away justified in God's eyes.

In the Slough of Despond [swamp of discouragement] (in Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress) Pilgrim struggles against his despair at being unworthy and sinful – and the antidote he yearns for is in the unearned and undeserved blessing of Justification – right standing before our holy God – that will comfort and sustain him. Do you know that, because of this justifying grace given you, you are reckoned "holy and beloved" (Col 3:12) by Him?

It is the precious words of His saving love and promises that will enable you to stand clean before Him – clothed in the righteousness of your Saviour as with a spotless robe (cf Isa 61:10). Peter, in 2 Pet 1:4, speaks of these promises as being able to grant you escape from what drags you down. The Saviour Himself has provided the antidote you long for!

 

[EmilyF]

Hello Omar,

I have been a believer for 3 years, and we all have ups and downs. Some of my downs are like what you are describing -- a complete ignorance towards God and a preference for things visible -- and on my way 'back up', I feel exactly how you are feeling. Without giving you any false assurance, the realisation and guilt coming out of these experiences is a sign of sanctification. While you don't hate your sin enough, you hate that you don't hate your sin enough, which is hating some of your sin.

What really helped me was skimming through some sermons of the second volume of Jonathan Edwards' works. I would definitely take the advice of the others in this thread, but if you are like me and need some means of grace (and feel quite lost without it) to help the situation and help you to know what to meditate on, I would read those works.

This is the train of thought I often end up on:
- I don't seem to care enough when I sin. I might know it is wrong, but don't feel like I care only because it's God, but because I have ruined my own view of myself (pride) (This is a different issue to yours, maybe, but the same idea of thinking as you were before you were saved).
- This must be because I don't have such a grave view of sin. Then I continue to think about what hell is like, how long it lasts, and why I should not want to go there, not to scare myself, but to show that sin must be something terrible if that is the punishment for it (not legal faith).
- This must then be because I don't have a high enough view of God (your conclusion). It is very difficult to think of God when he is not visible and you cannot make images of Him, but you must think of Him in terms of who He is and what He has done. Especially: His perfect holiness, hatred of sin (undesiring even to be in the presence of sin), Him as Creator and Sustainer of all things; His sacrifice to save people such as us, the fact that He keeps all His promises to us, the fact that He deals with mere men...

Going through the 10 commandments in the Larger Catechism is also helpful, as you realise you've sinned even in things you think you haven't. Then your only problem will be discovering if you really think sin is that bad. At that point, you could read something like the Sum of Saving Knowledge, to remind you what sinners deserve, and then read passages and parts of the catechism that tell you who God is. At this point, if you are still struggling, all that is left to do is pray that God would soften your heart and help you realise who He is and how bad you have been, because you have exercised everything possible (except private Bible reading and prayer) that you know the Holy Spirit could use commonly.

A problem I have is coming from a background where I thought I hadn't sinned, and then going into a church that ended up being soft on sin and God's holiness. Sometimes reading biographies of holy and serious men helps, like that of Neil Cameron (though some say he did not focus enough on joyfulness, his seriousness is a good contrast with your hard heart if you are in this situation). Another problem I see is people knowing they have committed so many sins that the sinfulness of one sin does not seem serious enough, so when you have committed a particular sin you repent and move on without dwelling on your sinfulness. Therefore, I would probably read the Sinfulness of Sin and meditate on a sin you have committed that you remember with clarity, and fight against any worldly standards to rule it evil or good, but focus on what God says about it. I am not there yet, but memorising the precise standards exposited in the Larger Catechism of the 10 commandments can help nip such feelings, or lack thereof, in the bud.

Coming from another young believer who hasn't experienced enough to give full advice, but who has similar struggles

 

[mpinckard]

Others have given you sound counsel, so I won't repeat what they've said. But two things I would add/expand.

1. You bemoan the fact that you often avoid sin only because of the fear of consequences, or the fear of human authority. On the one hand, it is right to mourn over the fact that the fear of God is not enough for you; I repent daily of the same. On the other hand, ought you not rejoice and give thanks that God, knowing your weakness, has put in place many additional restraints on you, to keep you from sin? Yes, repent that you did not cheat on your exam only for fear of consequences, but it is still better that you did not cheat!

2. It's easy to be too hard on ourselves when we're mourning our sins. I want to be careful here, because I think the greater temptation is usually to be too soft toward sin, but especially for those with particularly sensitive consciences, awareness of sins and of imperfections in our graces can obscure the genuine reality of those graces from our minds. Even in what you wrote it is evident that there is at least some hatred of sin, at least some fear and love of God, in your heart. By no means should you let that make you presumptuous or slothful in your struggle against sin, but to discount the reality of those things is really to discredit God's own work in you, because they cannot exist in any measure apart from the Spirit's work.

Of course, putting it in those terms can make it seem like one more thing to feel guilty about, but I don't mean it that way. Rather, I'm trying to point you to God's work in you, so you can focus on that, instead of on your sins. Think more of what Christ has done for you, and what the Spirit is doing in you, because the ground of your confidence is not in who you are or what you do, but in what God has done, is doing, and will do.