# The Gift of Singleness



## YoungLearner (Dec 2, 2014)

Ok, this is probably not going to be an easy question to answer, at least not over the Internet.

I think that I've probably been given the gift of singleness, as I have no desire to ever get married. It's not a matter of putting off marriage because of immaturity or selfishness, because I am not immature and I love to help others and enjoy putting them before myself. The only thing remotely similar that I desire, is to have at least one Godly companion...someone I can talk to and understand and that will understand me. I am not attracted to anyone physically, but I am attracted to people in a spiritual and intellectual platonic way.

Both Paul and our Lord mentioned that the gift of singleness was to be used for the benefit and advancement of the Kingdom. How would I best serve this purpose since I am a woman? 

Does anyone have any advice? Being without a pastor or church, all of you are the closest things I have. 

Thanks!


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## Hamalas (Dec 2, 2014)

Great questions; and as you say, probably not questions we can answer through something as impersonal and distant as an internet discussion forum. What keeps you from being part of a local fellowship of believers? Have you ever been part of a local church? Maybe knowing a bit more about your background in these areas would help us to help you.


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## Andres (Dec 2, 2014)

I didn't think one could be a member of the board without being a member of a local church?


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## Romans922 (Dec 2, 2014)

YoungLearner said:


> Ok, this is probably not going to be an easy question to answer, at least not over the Internet.
> 
> I think that I've probably been given the gift of singleness, as I have no desire to ever get married. It's not a matter of putting off marriage because of immaturity or selfishness, because I am not immature and I love to help others and enjoy putting them before myself. The only thing remotely similar that I desire, is to have at least one Godly companion...someone I can talk to and understand and that will understand me. I am not attracted to anyone physically, but I am attracted to people in a spiritual and intellectual platonic way.
> 
> ...



I will respond to each of your statements here.



> I think that I've probably been given the gift of singleness



You have up until this current time that is for sure, but you do not know the future.



> as I have no desire to ever get married



Good in one respect - you should not get your desires up before the right time. However, this could be damaging because God says, "It is not good for man to be alone." I'd ask the question, "Does your desire go against God's desire for you?"



> The only thing remotely similar that I desire, is to have at least one Godly companion...someone I can talk to and understand and that will understand me.



God has said this companion is a husband (see above)



> I am not attracted to anyone physically, but I am attracted to people in a spiritual and intellectual platonic way.



Good to be not attracted to anyone physically lest you fall into the sin of lust, since you are not married. There is no necessity for marriage to be attracted physically to them. 



> Both Paul and our Lord mentioned that the gift of singleness was to be used for the benefit and advancement of the Kingdom. How would I best serve this purpose since I am a woman?



I would caution against seeing 'spiritual gifts' as those which one has for their whole life. It just is not true. You are called to singleness for the time being, but that may not be necessarily true for the future. You should focus now in serving the Lord in your current calling, but to be opposed to marriage (which God says is good) because you believe you have a particular gift is very dangerous especially if the Lord calls you to be married. A man may pursue you of which it would be good for you to marry. You should not fight against this.



> Being without a pastor or church, all of you are the closest things I have.



Join a church ASAP is the best thing you can do with all the concerns/questions you raise here. To be apart of the body of Christ is deadly.


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## YoungLearner (Dec 2, 2014)

Andres said:


> I didn't think one could be a member of the board without being a member of a local church?





Hamalas said:


> Great questions; and as you say, probably not questions we can answer through something as impersonal and distant as an internet discussion forum. What keeps you from being part of a local fellowship of believers? Have you ever been part of a local church? Maybe knowing a bit more about your background in these areas would help us to help you.



When I signed up, I explained my situation to the moderators. I am restricted from certain parts of the board until/if I find a church.

My situation is this: all of the churches around here are either that New Age Christianity (i.e., Joel Osteen, etc.), Pentecostal/Holiness leaning or are staunchly Arminian. I did not think that any of those choices would be pleasing to God. Although I know that some Arminians/easy-believers are brothers and sisters in Christ, that message is what was pounded into my head for as long as I can remember. Not only did I not think that it was pleasing to God, but it also did not seem wise to go directly back into the horrible mess that I'd been taught. It's difficult enough to truly learn and be taught the doctrines of grace without having horrible teaching and exegesis dragging you backward and downward as hard as it can.

There are three Presbyterian churches near enough to go to, but all three are Presbyterian in name only, promoting easy-believism and the like...as paradoxical as that may sound. 

So...no, I've not been part of a church since I became a believer. I hope that makes sense and answers your questions.


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## Hamalas (Dec 2, 2014)

Do you have any contact with older, mature, believers in any fashion? Friends or family? What you are asking is a personal and a pastoral question and Andrew's words of advice is probably about the most we can offer from a distance. It's going to take someone who knows you better than us to really scratch you where you're itching.


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## Jack K (Dec 2, 2014)

Lindsey:

While a commitment to singleness in order to pursue more effective ministry does have biblical warrant as a possible direction to one's life, it is a departure from the most typical direction. So a decision to commit to singleness is one you should look at closely before deciding it's your long-term calling. I would think that this ordinarily begins with examining why your particular Christian service is more effective with you being single. The fact that you are not yet engaged in such a ministry makes it very, very hard to determine whether you are called to a lifetime of singleness. It feels like "putting the cart before the horse."

Perhaps the approach you ought to take is to see yourself as _open_ to Christian service which would require singleness, but not searching solely for such a life. This will help you truly take an attitude of surrender to God as you pray about how he would have you serve him. It also might protect you from becoming one of those people who go into some exotic, full-time Christian service chiefly out of frustration with their current life, or out of a feeling that they don't fit in elsewhere, rather than because they truly are called of God. I know you say you aren't at all frustrated with being unmarried, but the phenomenon I described is common enough that you would be foolish not to seriously consider whether this is happening to you on some level.

If I knew you better and we could talk longer, I would surely want to know why you have no desire for marriage. That's an important part of this matter. It underscores the need for you to be an active part of a true church, even if it's a deeply flawed one.


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## YoungLearner (Dec 2, 2014)

Thanks for the quick input! I didn't expect so much, so quickly.

You are right, perhaps I did put the cart before the horse. I apologize for that. I am so horrible with words and trying to put my feelings into words, so I probably could have put it in a better way.

What I meant to say, or at least the gist of it, was that if it is God's will for me to be single and to never find a husband...I will be alright with it. On the other hand, if it is God's will that I find a Godly husband, I know he will change my desire so I will be alright with that too. It seems like most people, Christian or not, absolutely cannot wait to be married and rush off and do so, regardless of whether or not they are not ready in some way or whether or not they have met a proper spouse. I am not like that. If God wants me to have a husband, He will give me one and I will be happy; and if He doesn't, I will still be happy. 

I would not say that I have made a commitment to singleness bar none, but a commitment to singleness unless I am given the right one. Also, when I was wondering the best way to use whatever gifts, what I meant was what is the best way for a single woman to serve God. Surely it must differ from the way that single men serve God.


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## Hamalas (Dec 2, 2014)

That's helpful clarification.  Not to pry, but what is your current stage of life? Are you working? In school? If someone asked you to describe your spiritual gifts how would you answer? There are no shortage of opportunities for service, but there's no point in trying to fit a square peg into a round hole either.


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## Toasty (Dec 2, 2014)

YoungLearner said:


> Andres said:
> 
> 
> > I didn't think one could be a member of the board without being a member of a local church?
> ...



Can you move to a place that has a good church?


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## chuckd (Dec 2, 2014)

Singleness is becoming very popular among the millennials, Christian or not.


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## arapahoepark (Dec 2, 2014)

chuckd said:


> Singleness is becoming very popular among the millennials, Christian or not.


But the reasons in general for that are not good though....


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## chuckd (Dec 2, 2014)

arap said:


> chuckd said:
> 
> 
> > Singleness is becoming very popular among the millennials, Christian or not.
> ...



Whose to say? I've heard the same line of thinking as Lindsey from many Christians in the millennial generation. It's a wonder how they all started thinking it at the same time, along with their unbelieving peers.


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## Philip (Dec 2, 2014)

Lindsey, may I say that what you have is a blessing and I envy you?

One point should be made: we need to encourage Christian friendship in the church, particularly for the sake of single people. When I look at the Bible and the history of the church I see so many examples of friendship and a kind of loving companionship that our world seems to have lost: David and Jonathan, the women who followed Jesus, Paul and Barnabas (and his other companions), even Jesus and the Disciples.


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## SolamVeritatem (Dec 3, 2014)

Chuck/Trent,

Perhaps I'm missing something, but I fail to see how your side comments advance the discussion or provide help, counsel or guidance to this dear sister in any specific way. 

Lindsey,

I think the heart behind your questions are sincere. Sometimes being new to the doctrines of grace (or treading water among the heavyweights on the PB) can have the tendency to make you feel inadequate with how you express your feelings or thoughts. The clarification you provided in your subsequent post was just fine, and I would (along with the wiser gentlemen on here who have already responded) encourage you to find your place among a community of believers who can walk with you through this as Christ's body is admonished to do in the scriptures. I also respect your privacy, and understand that you may not want to be forthcoming in where you're located. So, perhaps you could PM one of these brethren and they could help you find some faithful churches/church plants/bible studies in your area that you may not have been privy to upon your initial searches? Just a thought. At any rate, may Christ's grace and peace be lavishly poured upon you as you pray through this season of your life. 

In Him,

Craig


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## chuckd (Dec 3, 2014)

SolamVeritatem said:


> Chuck/Trent,
> 
> Perhaps I'm missing something, but I fail to see how your side comments advance the discussion or provide help, counsel or guidance to this dear sister in any specific way.



My apologies. I thought it was established early that help, counsel, or guidance cannot be given in any particular capacity to Lindsey.

My comment was more geared towards the discussion on the gift of singleness in general. It's just an observation of mine that it has become more popular in the millennial generation of western culture. And the same line of reasoning as Lindsey has become popular in the millennial generation of western Christians. This says nothing about if it's good/bad, right/wrong. And (as above) nothing about Lindsey's particular situation.

Just an observation and a curiosity as to how/why it happened and is happening. I suspect it's some sort of allergy to be like most people who "Christian or not, absolutely cannot wait to be married and rush off and do so, regardless of whether or not they are not ready in some way or whether or not they have met a proper spouse."

Readiness is not binary. Proper spouse is not binary. It's just a anticonformist attitude, maybe because they are raised that to be like everyone else is vise and individualism is a virtue.


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## jwithnell (Dec 3, 2014)

Lindsey, I had an opportunity to spend the weekend with an amazing group of single people a few months ago; they ranged in age from about 22 to 50 and came from many different walks of life. My time made me reflect on how these folks are a real gift to the church. Not to speak with too many generalizations, but I think a similar-sized group of married folks with similar demographics would not have had a similar level of Biblical knowledge and personal commitment. While none of them were in a "full time" ministry, there's no doubt in my mind that they individually are great blessings to their churches and will be until/when God brings spouses into their lives. 

Quite frankly, I doubt the "gift of singleness" was ever intended to be more than this -- people serving God where they find themselves, with some better fitted for a single life than others. 

_Any_ form of gifted-ness was intended for the church, and not specifically for an individual. That said, one would need to be _in_ a church to be a gift _to_ a church. Even if it means moving, no believer will last long apart from Christ's bride.


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## YoungLearner (Dec 3, 2014)

SolamVeritatem said:


> I think the heart behind your questions are sincere. Sometimes being new to the doctrines of grace (or treading water among the heavyweights on the PB) can have the tendency to make you feel inadequate with how you express your feelings or thoughts. The clarification you provided in your subsequent post was just fine, and I would (along with the wiser gentlemen on here who have already responded) encourage you to find your place among a community of believers who can walk with you through this as Christ's body is admonished to do in the scriptures. I also respect your privacy, and understand that you may not want to be forthcoming in where you're located. So, perhaps you could PM one of these brethren and they could help you find some faithful churches/church plants/bible studies in your area that you may not have been privy to upon your initial searches? Just a thought. At any rate, may Christ's grace and peace be lavishly poured upon you as you pray through this season of your life.



Thanks for your advice. I am always, always looking for real life fellowship with other believers. Between longing to be with other believers and longing to be more pleasing to my Lord, I do not know which I long for more. The latter, I suppose. I don't think I've ever wanted two things so badly. 



chuckd said:


> Just an observation and a curiosity as to how/why it happened and is happening. I suspect it's some sort of allergy to be like most people who "Christian or not, absolutely cannot wait to be married and rush off and do so, regardless of whether or not they are not ready in some way or whether or not they have met a proper spouse."
> 
> Readiness is not binary. Proper spouse is not binary. It's just a anticonformist attitude, maybe because they are raised that to be like everyone else is vise and individualism is a virtue.


I am not sure if I understand the part of your quote about being binary. And you are probably right; many of my peers don't get married out of an anticonformist attitude. I don't doubt that. Like I said though, that's not me. It's true that I don't want to conform to my peers, but not out of wanting to be an individual.



jwithnell said:


> Lindsey, I had an opportunity to spend the weekend with an amazing group of single people a few months ago; they ranged in age from about 22 to 50 and came from many different walks of life. My time made me reflect on how these folks are a real gift to the church. Not to speak with too many generalizations, but I think a similar-sized group of married folks with similar demographics would not have had a similar level of Biblical knowledge and personal commitment. While none of them were in a "full time" ministry, there's no doubt in my mind that they individually are great blessings to their churches and will be until/when God brings spouses into their lives.
> 
> Quite frankly, I doubt the "gift of singleness" was ever intended to be more than this -- people serving God where they find themselves, with some better fitted for a single life than others.
> 
> _Any_ form of gifted-ness was intended for the church, and not specifically for an individual. That said, one would need to be _in_ a church to be a gift _to_ a church. Even if it means moving, no believer will last long apart from Christ's bride.



Thank you for your advice as well! I would LOVE to have been able to be a part of the group you mentioned. 

I know many of you wanted to know if it were possible to move to be closer to a good church. It will be possible, but not for a few years. Hamalas wanted to know if I was working or going to school. Yes, I am working to put myself through school. It seems like a good idea to have something to support myself with while I am single. Until I graduate in a few years, I will have to stay here. So it is not for lack of trying or lack of desire!


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## MarieP (Dec 3, 2014)

YoungLearner said:


> Ok, this is probably not going to be an easy question to answer, at least not over the Internet.
> 
> I think that I've probably been given the gift of singleness, as I have no desire to ever get married. It's not a matter of putting off marriage because of immaturity or selfishness, because I am not immature and I love to help others and enjoy putting them before myself. The only thing remotely similar that I desire, is to have at least one Godly companion...someone I can talk to and understand and that will understand me. I am not attracted to anyone physically, but I am attracted to people in a spiritual and intellectual platonic way.
> 
> ...



Lindsey, hi from a fellow single content in Christ! I pray that you will find a good church soon. Mind if I ask you the area in which you live? I think finding a good church will clear up a lot of your questions and concerns. One advantage to being single is that you can move fairly easily.

Though I would have said the same about singleness 10 years ago or so, I am no longer convinced that Paul was speaking of a special "gift" of singleness in the sense that once you have it you will never "lose" it. I think Paul was saying that God gives to each of us our station in life- being married is a gift and so is not being married. There are various blessings and temptations that come with both. If God brings along a suitable prospective husband, I would be open to marriage. I realize that I now have time to be in the Word, prayer, service, and kingdom labors in a way I could not were I married. It's good that you recognize that you can be attracted to others intellectually and spiritually rather than physically. This actually is what got me to consider that the "gift of celibacy" isn't some gift the Lord chooses to give for life (though it very well may be for life).

You mentioned using your singleness for the good of the Kingdom. This is the right attitude! I think, though, once you find a good church, you will find numerous ways to serve. You can pray in a way married folks (especially those with kids) can't. You can volunteer to work in the nursery or teach children's Sunday School. Be involved in the church's outreach ministries. You could befriend an elderly or disabled lady in the congregation and assist them. Or maybe you could cook meals for those in need or give rides to those who don't drive. Sure, married people do this too, but you have more time!

I work at the Southern Baptist Seminary library, so I feel like I'm doing kingdom work all the time (well, if I'm thinking rightly!)

Hope that helps!


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## Ask Mr. Religion (Dec 3, 2014)

YoungLearner said:


> Andres said:
> 
> 
> > There are three Presbyterian churches near enough to go to, but all three are Presbyterian in name only, promoting easy-believism and the like...as paradoxical as that may sound.
> ...


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## MichaelNZ (Dec 3, 2014)

Lindsey,

I would definitely recommend finding a church. Doesn't have to be a Reformed/Presbyterian church (though that would be good), as long as they affirm the essentials of the Christian faith and are not anti-Calvinist. Matt Slick of CARM has written a good article about what to look for in a church. 

Are there any Baptist churches in your area? Maybe you should check them out. Matt Slick generally recommends Baptist churches to those looking for a church. However, stay away from Independent Fundamental King James Only Baptist churches.

Hope this helps.


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## jwithnell (Dec 4, 2014)

Lindsey, is it possible for you to tell us where you are in school? It's possible someone here would know of some local resources for you.


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## LilyG (Dec 4, 2014)

Lindsey, I am strongly with all who are encouraging you to find and bind yourself to a church. To remain outside the Body of Christ is not only, as others have said, to prevent you from serving Christ at all, it is putting your soul in danger. A few more "years" is FAR too long to be away from the sustenance and strength of Christ through the preached Word, sacraments, and fellowship. If there are truly no reformed churches within driving distance, I'd make it a high priority to move as quickly as possible.


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## Elizabeth (Dec 4, 2014)

I am in a similar area to yours, Lindsey, as far as church selection. 

We ended up going Lutheran Church Missouri Synod, and we have been so blessed with having a church home. We surely do not agree with all their doctrine in their Confessions, but there is much we DO deeply love about our church. But if there is an LCMS church in your area, consider giving it a visit.

Don't be a homeless Christian!


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