# Touched By a Pelagian



## Poimen (May 25, 2005)

I wrote this play many years ago, but here is its internet debut. A melding of one of the worst shows on TV and an ancient heresy...

"TOUCHED BY A PELAGIAN"

EPISODE 431: The Heretic
Written by: Al Socinius 

Scene 1
(The scene opens with Tess and Monica peering at a distraught young man through a restaurant window. He appears to be in deep thought). 

Monica: Now there is a nice fellow. Yet, he seems so distraught. 
Tess: Yes, certainly not just ostensibly either, baby. 
Monica: Well, I guess we have to do something... But what?
Tess: I am not sure, but I hope it makes us all feel good inside, like that nice Pax Romana thing we all took part in. 
Monica: (Smiles) I hope so too...(her voice trails off). 

(Opening theme song; credits). 

Scene 2
(Tess and Monica are continuing to look at the young man, who is visibly in tears). 

Monica: Now why do you suppose that he is crying so... It makes me feel just awful.
Tess: Now don't fret baby. I am sure God has a plan, after all He is usually ready for anything. 
Monica: I guess so. You don't mean that He knows everything that is going to happen. I mean, He doesn't have omniscience as an attribute?
Tess: Of course not. Besides, you should know. You are, after all, an angel. 
Monica: True, but God is so incomprehensible, except for those attributes that are most palatable to our's and man's 'free-willing' souls.
Tess: (Nodding her head in agreement) Yes, yes...
Monica: Well, that theology lesson was great, but what are we going to do about the young man? He- (Monica is interrupted by a loud 'ping!' Suddenly Andrew appears.)
Monica: Andrew! When did you get here?
Andrew: Uh... I just arrived, didn´t you here the 'ping!' ?
Monica: Oh, yeah, I forgot. 
Andrew: Anyways, I almost forgot to meet you here to help this young man. Even though he is clearly distraught, and we angels have been created to help God, my crazy free-will almost wrecked God's plan to 'save' the boy.
Monica: Good thing you said 'save' in quotations marks...I mean we wouldn´t want anyone to think that God saves anyone. That would be a violation of their free-will...
Tess: Let alone that anyone would need saving. Yikes baby, I mean, think about it. 
Andrew: Anyways, before your serendipitous free-will's interrupted me, I was saying that my free-will almost wrecked God's plan. I decided to go down to the local book store and buy a book. It is, of course, a best seller. 
Monica: What book is it?
Andrew: (Showing the book). "Those WACKY Things That Happen Everyday That Are Beyond God's Control" by Herman Ius. 
Tess: Wow, I love that book. 
Andrew: Yeah (smiles softly). Anyways, I suddenly remembered that I had a mission to try to accomplish and then I came here. 
Tess: So what's the plan? 
Andrew: Well, I thought this book might help. 
Monica: The Bible! Of course, this will really cheer him up. 
Tess: Not just any Bible. Look, it´s the best one. The Bestest Bible Around. With endorsements by Free-Will College professor, G.H. Remonstrant and Perfection Attainable Seminary in Hawaii's Professor Sharon Finney, descendant of my favorite 19th Century preacher.
Monica: Good. Oh, Tess, I feel better already (As Monica is speaking, the young man is opening the door to the sidewalk where the three angels are conversing). 
Monica: (As she speaks, she presents the Bible that Andrew holds out to the young man). (Desperately) Please, free-will this.
Young Man: (Reading the cover of the Bible) The Bestest Bible Around?
Tess: Yes, it's very good. 
Young Man: Thank you but I already have a Bible. Please, give it to someone who doesn´t have one. 
Tess: Well, what version do you have? 
Young Man: The New King James Version. (Tess and Monica faint, Andrew struggles to prevent them from falling unto the sidewalk). (Visibly upset) What? What did I say?
Andrew: (Frowning) Oh man, do you have the wrong translation or what. 
Tess: (Recovering). Yes, yes, preach brother.
Andrew: Here take this home, it will give you...a different look on things.
Young Man: Well... (He opens the Bestest Bible). Hey, where is Psalm 5:5, 7:11 and 11:5? Not to mention Psalm 2 and 110.
Andrew: Um, well, you see...
Monica: This version is more 'user-friendly.' 
Young Man: Where is Romans 9? I...this Bible is a corruption of the autographa!
Andrew: Romans 9? No, no! Don't talk about that!
Young Man: No. I couldn´t accept this translation. It's horrible (He turns to walk away). 
Tess: Oh, please. Exercise your will...er, freely! Please, oh please. 
Andrew: No, Tess. He has decided. Although his will is completely 'self' malleable, we should give him at least another hour before we bother him again. He'll come around, you'll see (The young man walks off, distraught as ever). 
Tess: Actually, you do not know what could happen. Anything could happen. Anything.
Andrew: True, but I feel so good inside... Something good just has to come out of this. I mean, it's like candy, without the indigestion. 

Scene 3 

(The three angels appear in the young man's home. He is in his room, studying at his desk. He has a Bible open, and some books as well. He is avidly reading). 

Ping!
Andrew: Hello Peter. 
Peter: Huh? What? Hey, what are you three doing in my home? I'm going to call the police.
Tess: Oh, baby...Please don't do that. We are here to help. 
Monica: Yes. Besides the police in Dordrecht are busy enough dealing with 'criminal's' who, not being corrupted with original sin, are freely able to choose good or those things that are not good.
Peter: What? Are you Pelagians or something? 
Monica: You could say that. (Sadly) But I do find your pejorative use of that term rather disturbing. 
Peter: Well, I have some studying to do. Please proselytize someone else. 
Tess: Oh baby, we want to help. 
Peter: If you want to help, tell me: Is election eternal and inviolable? (He picks up Calvin's Institutes and points to it). I mean, I've been reading John Calvin lately, and he seems to take a rather hard line approach. 
Tess: (Greatly distressed) John Calvin? Oh baby, please no, no, no! (wagging her head).
Monica: (Screams) No! My dear, no! (As a result of her temporary dementia, she lapses into a coma).
Andrew: (Shaking violently) O.k., here's the deal. Put that down, and we'll talk.
Peter: I don't understand.
Tess: I am sorry child, but I have to tell you. Calvinism is, well, a heresy. 
Peter: A heresy? Those are strong words coming from a Pelagian angel. 
Tess: No, no. I don't mean 'wrong' or 'sinful', but not good. You see, everyone who does not choose for God is ultimately exercising their free will-
Andrew: Which can be quite CRAZY sometimes. I mean, I should know-
Tess: Anyways, when we don't choose that which is not good, then we choose against God. This hurts Him. That is not good. Not bad mind you, just not good. Although all will ultimately be saved, it´s just not very nice to not choose 'not good.'
Peter: I would respectively disagree. 
Andrew: Hey, don't think that we preach a 'health and wealth' gospel. I mean, we had that episode with Satan on it. He will-
Monica: (Who has fully recovered, interrupts Andrew). FREE-will ultimately be reconciled with God. 
Andrew: Thanks Monica. Anyways, we didn´t have enough time or the theological breadth to discuss such a topic, but it was sort of implied in the message. 
Tess: What you have to know...baby, please know, oh my heart is so full of love and so empty of not good, that we are here to help. God loves you, and wants you to love Him back. (Sighing) Oh...
Monica: (Pleading) Please"¦ Maybe an analogy FREE-will help. Well, you remember the Star Wars theme: "Choose the Force." 
Peter: I suppose.
Monica: Well, the force is God, and power can be yours if only you free-will Him, and His love. This time there is no cost, no cost at all. No charge for the popcorn, the soda-
Andrew: And the candy. The candy, always remember the candy. Yet its spiritual candy so-
Monica and Tess: (Smiling) So there is no indigestion. 
Andrew: (Shrugging his shoulders, grinning sheepishly). Yeah. 
Peter: (Disturbed) If you are here to help, then you are not doing a good job. You see my problem is that I am struggling over the doctrine of election, and it´s tough. I am in a real quandary, for I would rather not accept the doctrines of Calvinism, yet I feel drawn to them all the same, as per their veracity.
Andrew: Well, first of all you should really try hard to do good things. Second-
Peter: No, you are not listening to me. I will not-
Three Angels: (Monotone) FREE-will not.
Peter: What?
Monica: FREE-will, Peter, not "will." See, that's where your trouble lies. Peter just believe, just relax and believe.
Peter: This is nonsense. This is...crazy. I'm sorry, I have some studying to do. I'll have to ask you to leave. 
Tess: "I" FREE-"will" "have to ask you to leave." Baby, I KNOW that's what you meant to say. 
Peter: Please leave. 
(The three angels look at each, and decide to obey his wishes. Uh, with their own FREE-will, of course. I mean it goes without saying. As they leave Peter speaks to them one last time). 
Peter: Hey, you might want to find this book and read the paragraph I cited. (Peter hands Andrew a slip of paper).
Andrew: Yeah, thanks. (Gives a bewildered look to his companions). 

Scene 4

(Andrew, Monica and Tess are in a soda shop eating their favorite candy)

Andrew: You know, this episode isn't turning out like the rest usually do. I mean, we wanted to help him, and he turned his back on us! (Smiles) That wonderful, crazy, arbitrary, yet ultimately surprising free-will (Recovering) We even had an episode where one person rejected God's love and died before he could have another chance, but, if you looked real close, you could see me slip in a pass to heaven in his pocket. So Peter is certainly an exception....
Monica: Yes, but Andrew you have to remember that this is Part I of this episode. Part II will inevitably close with a happy ending. After all, I slipped a bibliographical essay on his desk on the works of Charles Finney. 
Tess: Oh, baby, good work! By the way, did anyone look up the reference that Peter gave us before we left?
Andrew: Yeah, Tess, I did. But I couldn't make head or tails about it. 
(The three angels look at the paragraph Peter cited. It read):

"Pelagianism strews flowers over a grave, changes death into an angel, looks upon sin as mere weakness, discusses the uses of adversity, and regards this world as the best world possible"
Herman Bavinck, 1854-1921.

-Daniel Kok (1999)


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## Robin (May 26, 2005)

Gosh, Reverend Kok....this is pretty funny and clever! 

Thanks for sharing....

Robin


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## turmeric (May 26, 2005)

Now we know why those angels are fluttering so close to the ground - they've fallen!


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## Poimen (May 26, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Robin_
> Gosh, Reverend Kok....this is pretty funny and clever!
> 
> Thanks for sharing....
> ...



Thanks.


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