# Female Fellowship



## reformergirl (Apr 6, 2011)

I am aware that this is not precisely under the heading of Family, but I'm unsure where else to place this post.

I am a young female professional, who is unmarried and completely unable to access female fellowship. I attend a very small church and every adult is married with children. Most social events are centered around children, such as mother's day out or homeschool support groups, etc. Does anyone here know of any local or online fellowship groups for women to have intelligent conversation from a Christian worldview?

I have been relocated far from family and friends and am particularly feeling the lack of social reformed Christian interaction. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## Andres (Apr 6, 2011)

reformergirl said:


> Does anyone here know of any local or online fellowship groups for women to have intelligent conversation from a Christian worldview?



you should PM one of the mods for the password to the Tea Parlor - the women's forum here on this board. I am blessed by the women in the discussions of our other forums, so I'm sure the fellowship is quality there too. Perhaps a female member reading this could elaborate more.


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## Theoretical (Apr 7, 2011)

I know how painful it is to feel isolated within a church community, so here's a couple of thoughts from my own experience and thinking about this kind of isolation. In my own church, we only have two students and almost everyone has families with young children. I've found it's taken a lot of engagement on my part to make headway into relating with and interacting with the families in church but that I have been able to make some real friendships even among those families that superficially I have little besides the faith in common in terms of experiences. But at the same time, my experience may also not be normative, since it's only natural for one seeking to settle down and have a family in the next few years to spend lots of time around families, so if that's not on your radar screen, then it may not be as valuable to consider.

This problem weighs heavily on my heart simply because I know much I've grown from being mentored by sound spiritual mentors and being around godly friends and peers. It can feel like a millstone around your neck when you don't have these. 

That said, here's some thoughts you might ponder.


Do any of the other PCAs and/or other Reformed churches in the area have women your age with whom you could organize a cross-church fellowship or reading group from time?
Is there a college or university near you that might have Christian young women in need of mentoring? A single professional at my old church made a real impact on the lives of a number of young women-in her case late teens and college students. In both my undergraduate and professional school careers, I've observed how much the Christian young women I've known have had to be toughened up lone rangers (even if in a good church) for their spiritual growth simply by the lack of mentoring. 
In reference to point two, is there anyone in the church, one of the moms included, who could mentor you and provide fellowship on a more one-to-one basis?
Rather viewing it from the stage of life, are there families in the church with whom you share common interests or hobbies, such as the symphony, dinner-party type cooking outings, various games, or common books? (the list being things that have resonated within my own community as examples but that will probably differ for yours)


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## jwithnell (Apr 7, 2011)

There are plenty of us here on the Puritan Board! I realize how you can feel like an add-on when surrounded by families, especially young ones, but really getting to know the other women in your church can be a blessing for all of you.


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## he beholds (Apr 7, 2011)

If there are any ladies around your age, I bet they would not care that you don't have kids! I wouldn't--in fact, it'd be easier to hang out with you because we'd only have to coordinate one set of children's naps. Also, you might be free to hang out at their houses, so that they could do something fun but not have to find a babysitter. I think I'd assume that a single girl my age was too busy having fun for me to ask her to come hang out, and she'd probably assume I'm too busy not having fun for her to ask me to hang out. But really, a friend without kids would be a treat. Maybe your at church everyone is assuming that the other can't hang out. (Though of course I recognize the loneliness that a single or even newly married but no kids lady is likely to feel in a church setting, and I'm sorry and sad about that.)


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## Theoretical (Apr 7, 2011)

he beholds said:


> I think I'd assume that a single girl my age was too busy having fun for me to ask her to come hang out, and she'd probably assume I'm too busy not having fun for her to ask me to hang out. But really, a friend without kids would be a treat.



I think this quote is quite true. The one single woman in the church (she since married) for awhile was readily accepted by and interacted with all of the moms, including in the ways Jessi described. 

A lot of the families at church were really surprised that a single guy in law school would want to hang out with them, but some of the sweetest, most edifying times of fellowship have been over dinner at a family's home playing with the kids, talking with mom and dad, and being involved in the preparation of dinner. And as I've done it, I've ended up finding that I do have a lot in common with the families in the church, even though I am not married, don't have kids, and didn't even grow up with siblings.

Now I don't know your living circumstances (apartment size, roomates, etc...), but another thing I've done that made huge inroads was to invite families over to my apartment for a Sunday lunch after church. It's a tight fit packing 4 kids and 3 adults into a 750 square foot apartment for lunch and conversation, but it is doable and has proven to be a blessing in the past.

---------- Post added at 08:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:46 PM ----------

Some advice that helped me, though hard and that you might not want to hear, is that to some degree reaching out to the members of your church, especially the busy mothers, is normally going to fall on your shoulders at first. Even in an church that's friendly and hospitable like mine, people will tend to assume that most of your social life is full by default, especially if you're in a living situation different than they have. So it may take some elbow grease to get the first steps undertaken, but after that, it's entirely possible that it will become a much more mutual and mutually beneficial arrangement.


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## reformergirl (Apr 8, 2011)

Such helpful comments! Before I moved here, my closest friend and mentor of sorts was a married woman. I adored spending time with her, her husband and their three girls... and am constantly amazed that those girls have grown so fast and are all now teenagers. I absolutely see the value of spending time with families and building up those aspects of my character that will help me be a good wife and mother someday. So I have been attempting to make inroads with the families in my new home town. Perhaps it's just more of an issue of finding others that share my interests as Scott pointed out. I asked about the possibility of a reading/discussion group, without success.

I really appreciate the suggestion of mentoring college women. I think there is an RUF at the nearby university, and Utah isn't exactly bulging with godly Christian mentors for young women. Plus, I love cooking, so inviting a family over for Sunday lunch would be a great opportunity to get to know the families better.

Thanks again! I'll attempt to be more proactive.


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## smhbbag (Apr 8, 2011)

Inviting folks over for Sunday lunch, or a dinner during the week, goes a LONG way.

When we were first married, my wife was struggling with the same issues. We made a point to invite someone from church over at least once a month. That's not very ambitious, but it was a start.

We first invited a family of 8 over on a Friday night, and they said it was the first time anyone had invited them (as a whole family) just to come hang out and eat. We didn't even have enough plates or silverware for everybody, and our apartment was small. But it was a ton of fun. 

It can sometimes be better to invite them for a day other than the Lord's Day. After church, nap-time is sacrosanct for many - young and old  To invite someone over on another day can be even more of a compliment that you would like their company, and it can be easier for them to schedule.

Our church also has a gathering of ladies, where they are (theoretically, at least) reading and discussing a book for discipleship purposes. In reality, it turns into 1.5-2 hours of just fellowship and prayer, with 10 minutes of book discussion added on. And I don't have a bit of a problem with that - it is obvious that this time has helped grow these women in their faith and love for one another. There are a couple of single ladies, a few empty-nesters, and a bunch of young moms. 

The Lord has not yet seen fit to give us children, and so there were naturally some original barriers to overcome. Scott's posts are great on addressing that. I think he's right that a lot of moms or older ladies may assume that you are too busy, young, or cool to want to be seen with them. This is just the flip side of the assumptions young people often make - that older folks, or those with kids, either aren't worth knowing or don't want to be bothered by those who don't have their life experience, interests, etc. Once those assumptions are broken, friendship can develop quickly. Inviting them over for no special reason is a pretty effective axe to break them.

I'll also add - if your Sunday School classes, or other church groups, are age segregated, consider just going to the 'wrong' class. The college group at my church was great when I was there, but I almost never went to it. I just went to other classes for Sunday School and Wednesday evening studies. People often don't have the guts to kick you out  There is a wider body to learn from and be friends with.

It can be tough, but these relationships are well worth pursuing. I remember quite well the emotional toll it took on my wife to lack close, female friends. The Lord has been overwhelmingly gracious in responding to our prayers on that, and I hope He blesses your efforts similarly.


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## Theoretical (Apr 8, 2011)

Everything Jeremy just said: !


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## Gloria (Apr 8, 2011)

reformergirl said:


> I am aware that this is not precisely under the heading of Family, but I'm unsure where else to place this post.
> 
> I am a young female professional, who is unmarried and completely unable to access female fellowship. I attend a very small church and every adult is married with children. Most social events are centered around children, such as mother's day out or homeschool support groups, etc. Does anyone here know of any local or online fellowship groups for women to have intelligent conversation from a Christian worldview?
> 
> I have been relocated far from family and friends and am particularly feeling the lack of social reformed Christian interaction. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


 
I completely understand your situation. Although I'm married, my husband and I do not have children and I work outside the home. It seems to me that everything is focused around children and homeschooling. Most fellowship for women is either in the afternoons or evenings when I'm at work. I am fortunate that there is one woman a few years older than me with an 18 year old, 20 year old and 12 year old (all live at home) with whom I share similar interests. 

I don't have access to the Tea Parlor, but would be interested in hearing responses to this as well. I thank you for bringing it up!


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## Scottish Lass (Apr 11, 2011)

Women interested in accessing the Tea Parlor need only to email a mod for the password----come on in! It's been quiet in there lately, so it'd be nice to have a new thread or two.


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## Sarah (Apr 29, 2011)

Who is a mod that we can email for the password? And where is the tea parlor? I don't see it in the list on the left side of the screen.


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## BibleCyst (Apr 29, 2011)

Sarah, check out Bible Study Fellowship. There are men and women's groups. I attend the local men's group - and it's amazing. Welcome to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship)


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## lynnie (Apr 30, 2011)

I am 56, 5 kids, homeschooling the youngest, Mom at home, as tradtional family and far from single as you can get.

That said, one of my most favorite people ever is a 22 year old single girl going to seminary. We talk books and theology and I feel closer to her than 99% of the Moms I know. Its about common interests. You could get married and have a dozen kids and still feel lonely when it comes to your version of "intelligent conversation" ( which is probably similar to mine). People don't read much anymore. 

I also have a burden to pray and thankfully have people in my life who want to pray and sense an urgency to call out to God, but I had a long wilderness period where women I know wanted to talk and emote, but seemed to have walls up about praying together. I could pray for them at the end of talking and they'd say amen, but it wasn't prayer together. My husband struggled with it too, but at least we had each other. Anyway, all that to say I don't think real issue is marriage and kids vs singleness, I think the issue is likemindedness when it comes to where your heart is, in walking with God. And take it from me, the cyber thing is really nice sometimes but just can't replace real people locally.

May the Lord provide for you.


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## Edward (Apr 30, 2011)

Sarah said:


> Who is a mod that we can email for the password?



Scroll down to the bottom of this page for the Moderators

http://www.puritanboard.com/showgroups.php

Administrators at the top of the page.


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## Sarah (May 3, 2011)

Thanks!


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## Ruby (May 4, 2011)

Married women with children, especially littlies often crave "intelligent" conversation. Older woman may be longing to pass on their wealth of knowledge and experience. Keep making the effort to befriend them and you will. Lord willing , be pleasantly surprised!


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## Galatians220 (May 4, 2011)

Let's get the Tea Parlor going again... I admit to having been cavalier and remiss in not posting threads in it. I was gone from here from mid-January through February or March, I think, and so I neither read nor posted. Sorry. If anyone else feels like reactivating the Tea Parlor, let's do it.  I miss all of the ladies here.


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