# 'Obligation' to get Married



## satz (Jun 18, 2005)

Just curious for thoughts... do you think there is an obligation of any kind on a christian person to try to get married?

Quite a few on this board have expressed the view that it is not proper to go 'hunting' for a spouse, but is the choice of whether to marry or not completely one of liberty? Or are there other considerations? I know about 1 Cor 7...its better to marry than to burn..but what are factors should be considered?

Assume the question is being debated in the abstract, ie there is no particular potential spouse under consideration.

Would the answer be any different for men or women?


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## Arch2k (Jun 18, 2005)

I would say that it is the obligation of anyone who does not have the special gift of singleness to get married.

Marriage is the norm, singleness is the exception.


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## Ex Nihilo (Jun 18, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Jeff_Bartel_
> I would say that it is the obligation of anyone who does not have the special gift of singleness to get married.
> 
> Marriage is the norm, singleness is the exception.



But how would one know one has the special gift of singleness? And what, precisely, is the special gift of singleness?


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## Arch2k (Jun 18, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Ex Nihilo_
> 
> 
> > _Originally posted by Jeff_Bartel_
> ...



1) Do you struggle with sexual sin?

If so, it is your duty to marry.

2) If you are a woman, has a godly man asked you to be his wife?

If not, it is God's will, at least for the time being, that you remain single.

3) Do you believe that you are called to a ministry to God that would be more fruitfull if you remained single?

If so, it MIGHT mean that you would be better to remain single.

Here is an article on the subject from a woman's perspective.

The Gift of Singleness


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## Ex Nihilo (Jun 18, 2005)

A nice article. While I don't really see a specific gift of singleness explicitly defined in the Bible (maybe I just haven't studied enough), I do think that the state of singleness is a gift. (I'm not sure if the _ability_ to remain single is a specific spiritual gift--certainly there are many who get married who could have kept themselves sexually pure.) An important thing to consider also seems to be the aspect of singleness as a potentially temporary situation. It doesn't seem that people reach a certain age and think "Oh, I guess I must have the gift of singleness. I will never marry." It sounds like one is never entirely sure what will or will not happen, but should be grateful for the present situation. In that sense, everyone has the gift of singleness; some people have it for a shorter period of time.



> 2) If you are a woman, has a godly man asked you to be his wife?



While a negative answer to this question is certainly an indication that God desires the woman to be single, a positive answer is more complicated. I think this hits on some of the major issues here: In what circumstances is a woman justified in not marrying a godly man that she has the opportunity to marry?


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## Ex Nihilo (Jun 18, 2005)

You know, Mark, you say:



> Assume the question is being debated in the abstract, ie there is no particular potential spouse under consideration.



But I am wondering if this is possible! Can't it be such an individual thing that it can't be isolated from the particular circumstances? And those with no immediate prospects should live in preparation for either state?


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## Arch2k (Jun 18, 2005)

Evie,

You are correct in that it is a more difficult question when it a woman has the opportunity to get married. My question was more directed to the woman who has not had the opportunity yet.


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## satz (Jun 18, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Ex Nihilo_
> You know, Mark, you say:
> 
> 
> ...



Evie..

ok..i guess that was phrased in a confusing manner. What i wanted was to eliminate considerations of an actual potential spouse...things like 'oh you should get married because he/she is such a good catch...etc etc' 

err...does that make it clearer?


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## satz (Jun 18, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Jeff_Bartel_
> 
> 
> > _Originally posted by Ex Nihilo_
> ...



thanks for your replies Jeff...

i don't want to seem argumentative, but just my thoughts..

on point two, i take it you are saying a woman should never go out an attempt to find a husband? Is that really biblical?

What if she is struggling with sexual sin, as you say in pt 1?

Historically, didn't women's families attempt to find a husband for them? In practice how different is this from the woman herself making efforts?

While i understand the considerations of womens' submission and i most certainly am not trying to promote any thing like the modern dating system, i can't quite agree with the assertion that a woman must be completely passive and wait for someone to ask her before she can get married.

just my thoughts...i will think over this more...


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## Ex Nihilo (Jun 18, 2005)

But then, I suppose if she has the opportunity but not the desire, she shouldn't try to force the desire.

This is what I am thinking right now about this issue:

1) Some people know they want to get married--this may be most people. 

2) Some people have both a desire to remain single and a desire to get married, and whether or not the second wins out over the first is entirely dependent on the prospective spouse.

3) Some people have absolutely no desire to get married.

Obviously, there could be bad reasons for being in any category (particularly 3)... I suppose I do feel slightly offended by people who believe all or most people should be in category 1. As you might guess, this is a personal issue for me, but I do think that a person in the early twenties who is in category 2 shouldn't feel a duty to push themselves into category 1 before the time is right. (I'm reminded of a quote from Jane Austen's _Mansfield Park_... "I pay very little regard...to what any young person says on the subject of marriage. If they profess a disinclination for it, I only set it down that they have not yet seen the right person.")

It's an interesting balance betweeen being willing to wait for marriage and being willing to marry and take on those responsibilities when it's time (if it's ever time). I think my reluctance to make marriage a duty stems from the problem this can create for people who aren't yet at the right time in their lives. If this time didn't vary, it would be one thing, but I am not sure that a 21-year-old needs to feel guilty for not feeling an intense desire to marry.


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## VirginiaHuguenot (Jun 18, 2005)

Westminster Larger Catechism:



> Q137: Which is the seventh commandment?
> A137: The seventh commandment is, Thou shalt not commit adultery.[1]
> 
> 1. Exod. 20:14
> ...



Also, I have made reference to other relevant Scriptures and commentaries including the passage in 1 Corinithians 7 that speaks of whether a father should compel his virgin daughter to marry or not in this thread.


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## Arch2k (Jun 18, 2005)

> _Originally posted by satz_
> 
> 
> > _Originally posted by Jeff_Bartel_
> ...



Mark,

I am by no means implying that a woman can not desire marriage and seek for a godly partner. There is a big difference between this, and being an initiator in a relationship. I believe it to be outside a woman's role to ask a man to marry him. It is a principle in scripture that men are to lead (initiate) and woman are to follow (if she desires him). 

I agree that it would not be wise for a woman to be completely passive and wait at home for God to send her a man. The parents should also be involved in making sure that the woman is in and environment that godly men are available (i.e. church activities, friends etc.).

One of the reasons the fall happened is that Eve did the initiating and Adam did the following.

I don't agree with everything she says, but Elisabeth Elliot has some good material in a book called "The Mark of a Man" that discusses this at length.


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## Arch2k (Jun 18, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Ex Nihilo_
> But then, I suppose if she has the opportunity but not the desire, she shouldn't try to force the desire.
> 
> This is what I am thinking right now about this issue:
> ...



Evie,

I just want to qualify my earlier post and say that if you do not stuggle with sin, and have no desire to marry, it is clear in scripture that it is NOT sin to stay single...for the right reasons (i.e. not selfish reasons, like I'll have more money, time to myself etc. etc.). 

Marriage isn't something people should take lightly or jump into with both eyes closed. Rather, we should be discerning, studied, and obedient to God if this is his calling for our life.


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## Ex Nihilo (Jun 18, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Jeff_Bartel_, and have no desire to marry



I would imagine that people who have absolutely no desire to marry are fairly rare. It seems to more of a question of whether other desires or considerations win out.


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