# How to follow Christ without disrespecting my parents?



## [email protected] (Mar 15, 2011)

I'm a 25-yo Asian woman and a Reformed Christian for about 11 years. I became a Christian shortly after my family and I immigrated to America from Taiwan. Recently I met a Caucasian man online, a fellow Calvinist who went to Bible college and got an MA in Christian Counseling & Discipleship after that. His goal in life is to be an ordained elder or pastor, and teach in seminary (he still needs to get more education to get there).

He and I have been in a courtship for 4 and a half months now and we know we want to marry each other. We not only want to marry, we would like to do so this year. Knowing we are ready and willing to commit ourselves to each other, delaying marriage seems unwise (Westminster Larger Catechism). 

However, my mom, a new believer, is adamantly opposed to the plan because he, as a teacher at a private Christian school, is not well off. My mom has threatened to disown me if I marry him.

I want to respect my mom and make her happy, because she poured out herself as a single mom in order to raise me. Further, I don't want her to stumble in her already weak faith -- she was baptized this past Christmas, but she still thinks abortion is acceptable and tells me to lie all the time. At the same time, I want to honor God in marriage, whereby sexual immorality would be avoided. 

Should I postpone marriage for another year or two, to give my mom time to get to know my boyfriend (there's also the language barrier problem), and perhaps she'll change her mind? Or should I proceed with marriage plans?

p.s. My boyfriend's father, a retired chaplain and now a pastor in Boston area, has done marriage counseling for 30+ years and sees no problem with us getting married this year. The mother is supportive as well.


----------



## Andres (Mar 16, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> However, my mom, a new believer, is adamantly opposed to the plan because he, as a teacher at a private Christian school, is not well off.



While I would probably agree that your mother is being a bit extreme, I do think the above is a legitimate concern. Have you properly taken steps to assure her that he will be able to properly provide for you? Is there some specific level of income she needs a man to earn before she will approve?


----------



## Pergamum (Mar 16, 2011)

Has your mother met your desired husband-to-be in person yet? If he is a nice guy, maybe your mother will soften a bit after she gets to know him a bit.


----------



## PuritanCovenanter (Mar 16, 2011)

I totally agree with Joshua. I am not sure that this is the place to get the counsel needed. I would seek your Elders our for Counsel.


----------



## [email protected] (Mar 16, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your input. I understand I won't be able to get a clear cut answer from a forum discussion. How do you all understand "undue delay of marriage" referred to in WLC on the 7th Commandment?


----------



## py3ak (Mar 16, 2011)

Sabrina, I believe that by prohibiting an "undue" delay of marriage the WLC clearly implies that there is also a "due" or "fitting" or "reasonable" delay. And two things that could make delay appropriate are parental objections and difficult financial straits. So while obviously "the sooner the better" is generally true, I don't believe you need to worry about proceeding slowly in order to give your mother time to get on board. That is a "due" delay, not an "undue" delay. I think it's appropriate to use legitimate means to try to persuade her, but at this point it doesn't sound like you need to be troubled in conscience that you are unduly delaying.


----------



## [email protected] (Mar 16, 2011)

Thank you everyone. I will continue to discuss with our pastor in our counseling sessions. 

It's hard communicating with a mom who goes crazy when I stay in touch with her estranged family (my uncle/aunt/cousin). What's one to do... when she yells at me for hours for just getting dinner with her brother who she decided to make war with..


----------

