# Where do in-laws fit in?



## Clay7926 (Jul 22, 2008)

One thing I love about Reformed doctrine is it's emphasis on what the Christian family should look like, as well as everyone's roles in said family. However, one aspect of marriage that I've not found a definitive Biblical and Reformed statement on is the place of the mother-in-law or father-in-law in one's marriage. 

In Scripture, I see where Moses' father-in-law Jethro gives him good counsel, and I also see where Jesus healed Peter's mother-in-law. However, other than these, I don't see any other description of what a relationship with the in-laws should look like from a Biblical and Reformed perspective (other than 'Honor your father and mother). 

The question: What *should *this relationship look like? Could anyone here direct me to scripture and/or any other books that could clear this up for me?


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## InevitablyReformed (Jul 22, 2008)

Where do in-laws fit in?! 

They don't! 

Sorry Henry, it was too good to pass up.

I personally view my in-laws as my parents in the sense that I should honor them. But they certainly do not have access to any and all things in my marriage or parental obligations. I have had to draw some sharp lines in my short marriage (1 yr. 7 mo.).


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## Clay7926 (Jul 22, 2008)

*Ha. Ha. Ha.*



InevitablyReformed said:


> Where do in-laws fit in?!
> 
> They don't!
> 
> Sorry Henry, it was too good to pass up.



I set 'em up, you knock 'em down! 

Thanks for your thoughts. But then here's the next question: how do you honor them in a Biblical sense? What is that supposed to look like?


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## VirginiaHuguenot (Jul 22, 2008)

William Gouge has a lot to say about it in _Of Domestical Duties_, particularly here:



> 71. Of the duty of fathers and mothers in law.
> 
> The extent of this title [Fathers] is in the last place to be considered. Not only natural parents themselves, but also all that are in their place are comprised under it. As they who are in the place of parents,
> 
> ...


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## TimV (Jul 22, 2008)

Great post, Andrew.


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## Christusregnat (Jul 22, 2008)

Henry,

In the Old Testament, the word for a "father-in-law" is "he who circumcises". In other words, the father-in-law plays a significant role in preparing the young man for the covenant of marriage. This is why negotiations for a young woman's hand are to be made with the father of the girl, and not directly with the girl. The circumciser is to be the door-way through which a man goes to capture a bride.

In this way, as symbolized in the Christian marriage service, the father passes on his authority over his daughter to the man who takes her. The husband who does not have the blessing and permission of the father-in-law does not have lawful authority. If there is no father-in-law to speak of, or if he is derelict, scripture provides for legal proxies.

That in mind, the father-in-law ought to be revered and honored, but not obeyed once the woman is given in marriage. In other words, in-laws have no lawful authority to tell their sons, daughters, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law what to do.

On the other hand, only a fool would not seek their advice in important matters, such as family government, relationships, budgeting, investments, etc.

As a personal note, my father-in-law and I are very good friends. He is an excellent counselor, and a reverend father to me. He has given me excellent insights into parenting, as well as into my wife's particular giftings and weaknesses. I love him. And yet, he never "tells me what to do". This, in my opinion, is what in-laws are all about. 

When they seek to impose themselves, they ought to be resisted. But when they offer godly wisdom, they are probably the first people you should listen to.

Godspeed,


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## Clay7926 (Aug 17, 2008)

Thank you all for your wisdom and counsel!


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## Zenas (Aug 17, 2008)

Is it ok to get tired of one's in-laws?


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## DMcFadden (Aug 18, 2008)

Zenas said:


> Is it ok to get tired of one's in-laws?



Sure . . . as long as you are not *my* son-in-law.


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## Clay7926 (Aug 20, 2008)

DMcFadden said:


> Zenas said:
> 
> 
> > Is it ok to get tired of one's in-laws?
> ...



Can't argue with that.


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## kalawine (Aug 20, 2008)

InevitablyReformed said:


> Where do in-laws fit in?!
> 
> They don't!
> 
> ...



Awww.... you stole my joke!


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## kalawine (Aug 20, 2008)

Zenas said:


> Is it ok to get tired of one's in-laws?



My inlaws did all they could to intrude on my marriage and had a lot to do with it ending. But then, the whole family was disfunctional and was a ministry family with loads of skeletons in their closet. I would say that we should "leave and cleave" but respect them at the same time. Just today I was listening to the Bible at my desk and I remember thinking about how longsuffering Jacob was with his father-in-law. God help me but I might have killed the guy!  (JKing of course)


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## Zenas (Aug 20, 2008)

When my future father-in-law finally gave me permission to ask my fiancee' to marry me, he compared me to Jacob and himself to Laban. This was also the first time they recognized us as officially having some semblance of a relationship. We were "friends" for nearly 3 years up to that point. 

If that tells you anything.


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