# family/friend/teen boarder crisis advice needed



## Beloved (Aug 12, 2005)

We have taken on a teen boarder named Lynn. Lynn's parents gave up custody of her at age 3 to her grandparents, where she has lived for 14 yrs. One of Lynn's relatives was physically abusive to her, but when informed of this, Lynn's grandfather was passive if anything, saying that Lynn must have brought it on herself, that it was her fault. Lynn has wanted to live with her biological mother for as long as she can remember, and last fall, her mother finally said yes. So at age 17, she left her grandparent's' house and moved to New York. 

Her mother is not a Christian. Her mother works a lot, has lived her own life with no children since she gave up custody. She has a live-in fiance. Lynn had no rules while she lived there, picked up some new bad habits, lost her virginity, etc. She was undisciplined. Furthermore, her mother engaged in foreplay in plain sight of her daughter, with the fiance, on more than one occasion. The biggest reason Lynn left was her discomfort at having to know that her mom and the fiance were messing around on the couch 5 feet from her in the living room. Clearly this was a toxic environment.

She asked to move in with her dad last month. She moved in, and developed a relationship with the stepbrother living there. It was shortlived, and her father asked her to find somewhere else to stay because he was not going to condone a relationship between them, it was unseemly, and even if they stopped having feelings for one another, he was not willing to run the risk of the feelings resurfacing. So at that point, Lynn was partially at fault for the reason she left. 

Her grandparents are unwilling to take her back. She cannot go back to New York. She has no other relatives to choose from, other than people she hardly knows like great aunts and uncles. So she called and asked us if she could stay with us.

My husband feels that it was our scriptural duty to take her in. He has not discussed whether it is because she would have been truly homeless, or if he equated her sleeping on the couch of some other teenager with being "home" less. Either way, he continues to point me to James 2 and say that he just cant argue with what scripture says.

I expect Lynn to be rebellious here, too. At least in the last year, she has had no discipline at all, and she has some deep psychological issues about abandonment and having unmet needs and stuff from her parents leaving her and her grandma physially abusing her. The outcome of our choice to take her in is not what is important to me. What is important to me is to obey scripture in regard to taking in a stranger. We are making a contract with rules and their consequences, for Lynn and for us to sign. We are erring on the side of caution, and the rules are plentiful. We can always make less rules if we see that to be necessary later.

My friend, and midwife actually, has gotten a bee in her bonnet about us taking in Lynn. Her eldest daughter is Lynn's best friend. My friend knows Lynn. She has seen Lynn manipulate a situation to get herself out of trouble, and I'm sure a time or two she has led my friend's daughter into sin. Lynn appears to be unregenerate, and my friend's daughter appears to be a Christian. My friend's entire issue with us taking in Lynn seems to be that she thinks Lynn belongs with family, however distant a relative, because they are her family. And if she is not with family, then she should be fending for heself, because she is of age (she turned 18 last month). Further, my friend said to me, and has apparently been on the warpath at her house, about the fact that I seem to be blinded by the "excitement of having free childcare" and that "I should examine my motives for wanting to take Lynn into our home". When Lynn was visiting in June, Lynn was allowed at their home and their daughter was allowed to socialize with Lynn. Since we have taken Lynn in, her daughter is not allowed to socialize with us or with Lynn. In effect, I think we are being punished, and so are Lynn and Abby, because of my friend's irritation that we did not take her advice. She has also said that we are enabling Lynn by taking her in, and that she needs to be on her own and hit rock bottom to learn she can't make it on her own and needs to submit to authority.

I have a prenatal appt with her tomorrow. I am afraid of what might come out of my mouth. My blood pressure is dangerously high concerning this issue, and if my friend/midwife cannot resolve her issue with us taking in Lynn, I am going to have to take my business elsewhere. 

Her attitude, her venting to her family about what she thinks of what we are doing... I just dont see the grace here. Toward us or toward Lynn. I dont see what she expects to happen because of her irritation or because of her punishing people for making adult decisions that do not concern her. If we kicked Lynn out, would she be my friend again? This is so sophomoric I almost cant deal with it. If her primary concern were that she felt that the stress of adding a boarder at 31 weeks into my pregnancy was too much, or that she could see Lynn ruining our happy family, then maybe she would have a point. But these things have not come up in our conversation or in her talking with her family.

Can I get some scriptural support for when and how God calls us to take in the fatherless and the widow? Can I get some feedback on whether or not we have done what God commands? And since Lynn is here in our home, and we have made the decision to have her with us, even if God does not command us to do so, what advice do you have about the situation with my friend?

Thank you. Im going to go sleep now, having gotten all this out, and I ask for prayer for my blood pressure, the child within me, our family, our marriage, our children, Lynn, and my friend/midwife.

I am so glad for the wisdom here, thank you for listening.

[Edited on 8-12-2005 by Beloved]

[Edited on 8-12-2005 by Beloved]


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## LadyFlynt (Aug 12, 2005)

hiya, Jeni. I saw your post on CMOMB first. I didn't realize that was you. I'm praying for you and your situation. I was once a teen living with another couple (was a pretty good situation) and my hubby and I took in someone at one time (ended up not so good). Just set up boundaries and stick to them. Love her and teach her to get on her feet. 

(mommaduck)


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## Beloved (Aug 12, 2005)

Thank you Colleen!


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## alwaysreforming (Aug 12, 2005)

This could be a very good opportunity for Lynn to have an impact on her life that she will probably never forget. When I was a kid my friend's parents were Christians and I spent a LOT of time over at their house. I truly believe that that had a lot to do with my becoming a Christian.

This midwife's advice doesn't appear to be coming from a "good place." Many times in my life I've been counseled by others to not do the good I know I should do. I've always been glad that I've stuck to my guns and followed through with what I felt was the right thing, and praise be to God, it has always turned out for the best.

This Lynn may disappoint you, she may cause you a little heart ache, but perhaps that's the price God has appointed you to pay in serving Him by caring for this disadvantaged one. 

Hopefully, though, she'll get on board with what you have for her and realize that you're serving her for her own best interests and she'll be moved to really try to gain some wisdom from this whole experience.

I shall pray for your family, and Lynn.


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## turmeric (Aug 12, 2005)

Hopefully the Houseparent dude will speak soon, this seems to be right up his alley. I would say that you must insist she get some counselling, also watch out for risky sexual behaviors on Lynn's part and set limits. Make sure she knows you are involved with her and care by doing things with her that are not just about you. God bless you!


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## SRoper (Aug 12, 2005)

I pray for wisdom for you and your family. My parents are in a similar situation now with a relative. They have asked him to leave at the end of the month because he lied to them on several occassions, and he stopped what was expected of him (like going to church). I pray that you are not put in a similar situation, but regardless this is an opportunity for growth. I think you are doing the right thing!


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## BrianBowman (Aug 12, 2005)

Jeni,

Clearly Lynn's experience has been marked with shalllow, abusive, and ungodly authority figures. At 18 she is in the position of being "amost adult" but yet very regressed in her emotional and psychological development. Her "organs of conscience" - the "inner heart", mind, and volition lag far behind her physiological develoment. Does Lynn have any awareness that this is the case? In order to overcome her present condition, it will take a lot of humility and desire to grow. If she is open to it, the counsel of God's Word can help Lynn immeasurably. She may need professional assistance, from a highly trained professional Christian counselor as well. Lynn needs very clear, firm boundaries that give her little "wiggle room" for the manipulation that she has unfortunately learned to survive with.


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## ChristianasJourney (Aug 12, 2005)

Hi Jeni:

My prayers are with you. You and your dh believe this is right...no doubt your midwife has her own reasons for her opinion. I would hear them out, but in the end you have do what's right, even if it means going against the midwife's wishes.

I'm not sure what you can do with an 18 year old that isn't your child...but if her heart is in the right place you can guide her. If she's using and manipulative it's not an excuse to treat her without compassion, but recognize it for what's it worth. Set guidelines and require her to live by them. 

Just some thoughts.


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## Beloved (Aug 13, 2005)

Thank you for your repsonses. I am praying about them.

I had my prenatal with my midwife, and we did talk a little about what she had said. I did not feel like talking to her about the things she said to me about my motives that were painful, but I did address several other issues. I will be addressing the things that hurt me at some point in the near future, but felt they were out of place at the time. 

I told her that Lynn was already at our house, I told her that her grandparents have made it clear that they are unwilling to take her in and are supportive and grateful to us that we are taking her in. I told her that our conviction was scriptural and that our concern was not so much the outcome, but being obedient to the Lord in taking her in. I told her we would be helping to get Lynn on her feet and able to be out on her own soon.

I listened a lot too. My midwife lived with several families in her late teens as well. One place she was molested, and at another place she was taken advantage of by being a free babysitter. The last place was a good place for her and she did like being there. So I think she has a few unresolved issues from her own past coming into play that color her view of things here.

I also found out that even before Lynn moved away last fall, there was a standing rule that Lynn couldnt come over to their house unless my midwife was home, because she had seen Lynn try to scheme her daughter into doing things or sneaking out, etc. Her daughter could go to Lynn's grandparents house only if they were there. I am a little offended that I am not considered a responsible adult for them to be around together, but I can get over that. I am clear on the rule and its intent now, so that's good.

So that's what I can tell you so far.


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## ReformedWretch (Aug 13, 2005)

I just saw this post, and with my new job I have so little time here in the beginning. I DO have much to say though and will post it tonight as soon as time allows!

What you are doing for Lyn is WONDERFUL!


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## ReformedWretch (Aug 13, 2005)

Ok, first of all, as I said, you are doing a WONDERFUL thing! What fuels me every single day is "what you do for the least of these you do for me". I really feel close to our Lord when I take care of kids in these kinds of situations. 

Secondly, it is hard! If you ever have the chance to "pick up your cross and follow Christ" it is in these kinds of situations. Remember that carrying a cross is not easy, but with Christ the burden is light. Keep going!

Thirdly, your friend is no friend. I have experienced this with some friends and family and it is sickening. Good Christian friends and family should be delighted with what you are doing, they should be supportive, or in the very least understanding. I may offend some here, but how anyone who claims Christ as Lord could question another who is reaching out to the lowest of those amongst us is beyond me. I worried that I was judgmental thinking that way until my pastor agreed with my feelings. Now I stand firm in those convictions.

The first thing you do for kids in Lyn's situation is show you´re LOVE to them. Spend as much time as you can spare with her, talking, asking questions, and making her aware of how much she means to you. As a "Houseparent" I am all for rules and structure, the minute a child, especially a troubled one, believes that your rules and structure is more important to you than they are, this is when they will rebel because "what do you care"?

Starting a new job (still as a house parent, which I've been for 13 years now) is tough, but the first thing my wife and I did was sit down with every kid and told them why we do what we do. We explained our rules, but not until we were confident that every child in our home knew that we loved them, and loved being with them, and did this job because we wanted to be a part of their lives in every way possible. 

We adopted a lovely girl who was far from perfect and still struggles. She makes decisions we hate, but we love her and will be her mom and dad no matter what. Day by day, year by year we have watched her grow, and while she is still not a Christian, we are confident that she will be. Many people thought we were crazy! I didn't boot those people out of my life, but they have little to do with me or my family. My daughter will not know anyone who is not willing to love her as part of our family.

I will apologize for any sin that my daughter (or kids in my home) helps lead another into, but ultimately your friend is using Lyn as a scapegoat. If not Lyn, her child would befriend another negative influence, of that you can be sure. Parents like this frustrate me because they look for anyone to blame besides their child. I know the temptation to do this as our daughter has been negatively influenced, but the bottom line is that she chooses her friends!

Cheer up; leave the 99 on the hill to keep looking for that one that has wondered off!


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## ChristianasJourney (Aug 13, 2005)

I just have to add my $02. (again.)

While I agree with most of what Adam says, I disagree with his assessment of your midwife. I do believe that you're doing a noble and compassionate thing...BUT that doesn't negate the risk involved with taking in a stranger who does not ascribe to your philosphy of life. This, is what I believe your midwife sees. I believe your midwife genuinely cares about you, and beyond that has some valid points.

While I very much agree with your decision, I am also a "shelterer"--meaning I wouldn't let my children play with others without supervision. And with older children in their teens, I would not let them go off unsupervised unless I trust everybody involved. While good children may have the knowledge and desire to do what's right, they often don't have the strength to resist peer pressure. And while a parent probably doesn't have to worry about anything happening the first time two people are alone, little by little the "good" child's resolve will be worn down. And what they say "No" to at the first temptation, they may not be able to say "no" when they're are continually tempted. And a bad influence will gradually erode strong principles. Personally, if Lyn was my child, she would not be hanging out alone with the midwife's child either. 

All this to say, continue to do what you know to do is right, but recoginize that your midwife has a reason for her opinion.

[Edited on 8-14-2005 by ChristianasJourney]


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## ReformedWretch (Aug 13, 2005)

Oh the midwife has a reason, but in my opinion the midwife should not allow her child to hang out with anyone that corrupts her. Just because Lyn is taken care of by her friend does notmean she has to allow them to spend time together. 

I would understand if I took in a troubled child and a friend did not want their child spending time with the child I took in. I would not understand them treating me poorly because I took the troubled child in.


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## ReformedWretch (Aug 13, 2005)

> I am also a "shelterer"--meaning I wouldn't let my children play with others without supervision. And with older children in their teens, I would not let them go off unsupervised unless I trust everybody involved. While good children may have the knowledge and desire to do what's right, they often don't have the strength to resist peer pressure.



Janice;

While I applaud your stance, I have seen it taken way too far as well. I have seen children greatly damaged by over protective parents. I amnot saying you are over protective, just saying why I am hesitant toward that kind of thought. In fact, I had a cousin who was greatly damaged (and at 35 still suffers from) over protective parenting. My wife suffered greatly from it as well.


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## BrianBowman (Aug 14, 2005)

Adam,

I love what you write above because it is so Christ-like! God as our Father, Jesus as our "first-born" Brother, and the Holy Spirit has our comforter and guide. Think of it. Compared to God, the best of us are so much worse than the most profligate child, adolescent, etc. - yet He takes us right where we are. After many years of profligate living, God's sovereign grace apprehended me in 1994. For several months, I still had times of firey rebellion against the Word and ways of God. In love, He chastened me, and brought in His peace.

Adam and Jeni, I am humbled and honored to get to know folks like you who consider it a privledge to serve these kids. ... and I agree that the *extremes* of over-protecting children is not wise. Ultimately, kids need to learn to say "NO" to other kids, no matter how much pressure or ridicule they are placed under - because parents cannot always be around to enforce or even encourage proper behavior. One of the best ways to disarm a manipulator is to have the awareness and moral courage to not fall for their tactics.


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## ReformedWretch (Aug 14, 2005)

> One of the best ways to disarm a manipulator is to have the awareness and moral courage to not fall for their tactics.


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## LadyFlynt (Aug 14, 2005)

There is however nothing wrong with limiting or guiding relationships of our children...in fact, I believe we are supposed to. 

Back on topic: Jeni, I'm glad you and your midwife were able to start working things out...I pray this continues. Please take it easy and take care of yourself. God Bless.


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## alwaysreforming (Aug 14, 2005)

> _Originally posted by houseparent_
> 
> Thirdly, your friend is no friend. I have experienced this with some friends and family and it is sickening. Good Christian friends and family should be delighted with what you are doing, they should be supportive, or in the very least understanding. I may offend some here, but how anyone who claims Christ as Lord could question another who is reaching out to the lowest of those amongst us is beyond me. I worried that I was judgmental thinking that way until my pastor agreed with my feelings. Now I stand firm in those convictions.



What Adam said kind of stuck out in my mind, and here's why:
As Christians, we're all (as we're capable) supposed to do what "Beloved" is doing: looking after orphans and widows. The fact that another Christian would discourage their fellow brother and sister from doing this is disheartening. Truthfully, she needs to repent!

We are all soldiers in Christ's army. You never hear of a soldier saying something like: "Hey, I'm gonna go take that hill over there!" and the other one says, "Nah, don't do it. Why put yourself out? Let's just stay back here and watch from the sidelines."

This conversation doesn't happen among committed soldiers. Being a Christian means sometimes putting yourself in danger, and incuring a cost. Any other Christian should understand this and do all they can to help you bear your burden. 

Adam, you are wonderful! And so are you, Beloved!


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## ReformedWretch (Aug 14, 2005)

Thanks Christopher, but to God be the glory. There are times I want to leave this field of work and never look back. It's heart breaking, frustrating, and you can often find yourself asking "what's the point". It is clearly our Lord who drives me in this line of work, it is He that is wonderful.

I am thrilled over the fact that you understand the point I was making!


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## Beloved (Aug 14, 2005)

Thank you for the encoruagement on this thread. I treasure your words, and value your wisdom, all of you. I will keep you posted as necessary for prayer and guidance, and it's so good to know others who have been/are in this situation.


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## BJClark (Sep 25, 2005)

Beloved,

I think it's awesome what you are doing.

It won't be an easy walk, and her being 18, it may not be for very long however, in that short time you can make a huge impact on and in her life.

I think one of the issues your midwife/friend has concerns over is the fact that you are not yet a mother to teenagers. Which is why I see this as a good thing, you will learn a lot as a mother during this time, as can your husband, as a father and what will be required of him in that role as your own children grow up.

I didn't take any children into my home to live, but God sent many teens into my life when my children were younger, it was a real blessing to me and prepared me in so many ways for my own children reaching that age. 

Just remember your not her mother, but you can be motherly to her, offer her your guidance and love, and your wisdom from having been her age. Share with her things you have learned over the years from your own mistakes and choices. Good and bad.

Encourage her to read a book on Boundaries, so that she can learn what is healthy and what is not healthy in relationships. You can ask her to go to church with you as part of the agreement of her living with you, but I wouldn't force the issue. Let her see you living your Christianity, talk to her about your relationship with Christ and how that relationship has changed your life.

When she comes to you and your husband asking questions get out your bible and search the Scriptures to see what God's word says and most importantly let her see you do this. Even looking in the concordance, that way she will learn the answers are there if she is willing to look. And also pray with her when she seeks advice from you.

One thing to be wary of, is that she is 18, and may try to manipulate and place your husband in a compromising situation, she is looking to be loved, but isn't sure what that looks like. And any attention could be misconstrued by her. So be mindful and praying to that end for wisdom and discernment.

There is a really good book, "Dating, Intimacy and the Teenage Years" by Karl Duff, that I would recommend you give to her to read it can help dispel many of the lies she may believe about love and sex.

[Edited on 9-25-2005 by BJClark]


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## LadyFlynt (Sep 25, 2005)

Jeni, CMOMB has been down a week and I haven't heard from you there or here. How are you doing, hon? Have you had that baby yet?


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