# Your advice appreciated



## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

Does it matter if a Calvinist is married to an Arminian? I don't see it as a problem but I know that some people do. Any help is appreciated. 

I just want to say that I enjoy this board and appreciate the discussions and advice I have received. I'm sorry that I will never be as reformed as most of you because I believe in celebrating Christmas and Easter and using musical instruments in worship. But on many other things we do agree. I'm glad I found this board.


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## ReformedWretch (Apr 25, 2006)

The biggest issue is going to be where you go to Church. It may not sound like much, but the two of you will desire totaly different styles of worship I am certain!


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## BobVigneault (Apr 25, 2006)

"I'm sorry that I will never be as reformed as most of you...."

Never say never Brian, you're young yet.
I remember when I was in youth group back in the day. We played 3 games of Catch Phrase and we had just finished singing 'Pass It On' when a young kid named John Calvin said, "I'm sorry that I will never be as reformed as most of you....". Seven years later he finished his "Institutes of the Christian Religion". Some will say it never happened but I remember it like it was yesterday. Ok, maybe Catch Phrase wasn't invented yet, but the rest is kinda, sorta true... in a way.


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

> _Originally posted by houseparent_
> The biggest issue is going to be where you go to Church. It may not sound like much, but the two of you will desire totaly different styles of worship I am certain!



I understand that but we do share similar tastes in worship style. We like high church, liturgical style of worship. The only problem is, her home church is a UCC church and that ain't high church, liturgical style. lol


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

> _Originally posted by BobVigneault_
> "I'm sorry that I will never be as reformed as most of you...."
> 
> Never say never Brian, you're young yet.
> I remember when I was in youth group back in the day. We played 3 games of Catch Phrase and we had just finished singing 'Pass It On' when a young kid named John Calvin said, "I'm sorry that I will never be as reformed as most of you....". Seven years later he finished his "Institutes of the Christian Religion". Some will say it never happened but I remember it like it was yesterday. Ok, maybe Catch Phrase wasn't invented yet, but the rest is kinda, sorta true... in a way.



 LOL that was good


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## ReformedWretch (Apr 25, 2006)

UCC????

Doesn't that stand for Utterly Confused Christians?


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

No...united church of Christ


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## ReformedWretch (Apr 25, 2006)

I know, I was kidding. The UCC is pretty liberal (most of them anyways) and I know a UCC pastor who told me that UCC stood for that. It was especially funny coming from him.


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

> _Originally posted by houseparent_
> I know, I was kidding. The UCC is pretty liberal (most of them anyways) and I know a UCC pastor who told me that UCC stood for that. It was especially funny coming from him.



Yeah, I knew you were kidding. No problem. 

I know they can be pretty liberal. I don't like that, really.


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## LadyFlynt (Apr 25, 2006)

One question, why would you want to marry someone you were not in agreement with? What is the order of priority on subjects of agreement?


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

Well, I believe that who one believes saves us is more important than the theological beliefs/system of the manner in which we come to Christ. What I mean by this is it is more important that both people believe in Jesus Christ than whether they are arminian or calvinist. 

Things of importance I think we have to agree on. Humans are sinners and Christ is the Saviour is important to agree on. The Bible is God's Word is important to agree on. In house debates between Christians, ie. secondary issues...it is ok to disagree on. It makes for interesting life and conversation for sure.


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## LadyFlynt (Apr 25, 2006)

Wait till children come into the picture and you are stuck at an impasse on what to teach them with specific issues. If father and mother can't agree, you will have some pretty confused children.

For those that say "Doctrine/theology/belief systems doesn't matter"...I'm sorry, but it DOES matter. If it didn't matter then why are you baptist rather than presbyterian? Why are mormons not considered christians? Etc. There are some things that you NEED to be in agreement on BEFORE getting married! Would you marry someone that doesn't want children if YOU did want children? Do you want to deal with whose going to wear the pants in the family? The first years of marriage are difficult enough. You need to be as united in your goals BEFORE marriage as possible...and religious beliefs are TOP of the List!


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

> _Originally posted by LadyFlynt_
> Wait till children come into the picture and you are stuck at an impasse on what to teach them with specific issues. If father and mother can't agree, you will have some pretty confused children.
> 
> For those that say "Doctrine/theology/belief systems doesn't matter"...I'm sorry, but it DOES matter. If it didn't matter then why are you baptist rather than presbyterian? Why are mormons not considered christians? Etc. There are some things that you NEED to be in agreement on BEFORE getting married! Would you marry someone that doesn't want children if YOU did want children? Do you want to deal with whose going to wear the pants in the family? The first years of marriage are difficult enough. You need to be as united in your goals BEFORE marriage as possible...and religious beliefs are TOP of the List!



I do thank you for your advice. I agree with you. I do believe that doctrine matters as well. Like I said, important things such as who Jesus is, the authority of the Bible, etc. are things we have to agree on. Secondary issues which have been debated since the church began, I don't know if we have to agree on all of those. How often do you find someone who agrees completely on all of those AND wants to marry you? 

As for who's going to wear the pants in the family, I think I already see trouble ahead in that department. In this day and age, that seems to be the case for most people. Maybe you can pray for me. I do pray that if it's God's will we will get married and if it's not, we won't. He is sovereign. I have complete trust in Him.


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## tdowns (Apr 25, 2006)

*I heard it said,*

I remember a similar post, and someone, possibly Fred, said that the important thing is that you have a wife willing to submit to your lead. We are all growing and changing in theology, I know I am, and hopefully God is drawing us closer to the truth, if your wife loves God, and will follow your lead, then I don't think there will be a problem. 

If she is already talking of "her" church, versus, "your" church, then you've got HUGE problems already. You can not go through life happily with a wife who wants "her" way, while you have "your" way. Only one "vision" can be followed, and that needs to be yours. 

Not saying that our wives do not have their own desires, hobbies, pleasures, etc. But when it comes to the big things, like where we go to church, how we raise our kids, where we live, through prayer and petition on our part, and being serving husbands desiring the best for our wives before ourselves, the wives need to follow our lead.

Bottom line, If I decide it's time to find a new church for biblical reasons, my wife is coming with me.

So the question you should ask her. "Are you willing to follow and submit to my judgment on the church's we attend?" If she says yes, I say no problem, because as God continually draws you both to the truth, you may find yourself changing churches. 

A quick  from a very happily married man with 4 kids and loving the blessings God has given me in my family.


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## LadyFlynt (Apr 25, 2006)

I will pray for you and for you to be given wisdom in this matter. I really feel for you on the authority/submission issue...my husband can verify that I made the early part of our marriage a mess on that issue. I now strive to encourage women not to pull their houses or husbands down. This is why I say it is an issue you need to deal with beforehand. You need to find someone in agreement.

As far as finding someone in agreement and willing to marry you, you aren't the only one with that issue. Many are learning that they need to wait upon the Lord to send them someone and be content with singleness. Until then emotional purity is as important as physical purity. No one said it was an easy road.


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

Thank you very much Trevor. She says she would be willing to submit but many times I feel she is being sarcastic. It was a reason why I took a while to ask her to marry me. 

I will ask her that question. God bless you and your family.


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

> _Originally posted by LadyFlynt_
> I will pray for you and for you to be given wisdom in this matter. I really feel for you on the authority/submission issue...my husband can verify that I made the early part of our marriage a mess on that issue. I now strive to encourage women not to pull their houses or husbands down. This is why I say it is an issue you need to deal with beforehand. You need to find someone in agreement.
> 
> As far as finding someone in agreement and willing to marry you, you aren't the only one with that issue. Many are learning that they need to wait upon the Lord to send them someone and be content with singleness. Until then emotional purity is as important as physical purity. No one said it was an easy road.



Thank you for your prayers. You are so right.


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## LadyFlynt (Apr 25, 2006)

> _Originally posted by tdowns007_
> I remember a similar post, and someone, possibly Fred, said that the important thing is that you have a wife willing to submit to your lead. We are all growing and changing in theology, I know I am, and hopefully God is drawing us closer to the truth, if your wife loves God, and will follow your lead, then I don't think there will be a problem.
> 
> If she is already talking of "her" church, versus, "your" church, then you've got HUGE problems already. You can not go through life happily with a wife who wants "her" way, while you have "your" way. Only one "vision" can be followed, and that needs to be yours.
> ...



 (from a happily married woman with over half a dozen children  guess I'm too busy to do anything but submit)


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 25, 2006)

LOL that was funny. Too busy and too tired to do anything but submit eh?


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## tdowns (Apr 25, 2006)

*lol*

 I hear that! Great work Colleen!!!!


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## Scott Bushey (Apr 25, 2006)

My two cents:

If your fiance/wife submits without reservation, she probably is not Arminian but a Calvinist in disguise.


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## Herald (Apr 25, 2006)

Brian, my wife had a cow when I became a Calvinist. That was back in 1998. Recently she has confessed to me that, "You are right. Election is in the bible" but she is not ready to carry the Calvinist flag through the church. It is a process with her. She realizes that I am the head of the household in regard to spiritual matters. I try not to beat her over the head with any of the Reformed buzz-words. They come up in natural conversation and I thank God for the opportunities He has given me to explain Reformed doctrine to her.

Adam brought up a good point. Where to fellowship? In the end YOU are reponsible for that. A smart man would seek his wife's understanding and buy-in. It may mean that you have to compromise on some methodologies, but never theology! But in the end you are the one who has to make the decision. I am an elder in a church plant that is 5 1/2 years old. It entered into my mind (a few years back), "What if this church doesn't make it? Where would I go?" Well I can't go back to our sending church. They are died-in-the-wool Arminians. But I am also not Presbyterian. I am an affirmed credobaptist and need to act in accordance with my conscience. There are not to many Reformed Baptist churches within a reasonable distance. I probably would do what brother Rich Lenio is doing in Okinawa. I would have to compromise and attend a church that is solidly Reformed even if I disagree with certain practices. 

As far as you thinking you will never be as Reformed as others....just wait and see. Allow the Lord to work. I never thought I would become a Calvinist in 1998. I never thought I would cease to be a dispensationalist two years ago, but it happened.

'ing for you.

[Edited on 4-26-2006 by BaptistInCrisis]


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## fivepointcalvinist (Apr 25, 2006)

brian, my wife is a blatant arminian (she wouldnt know it) in a pentecostal church and her theology is untenable. she is not receptive at all to the doctrines of grace. she told me today she knows that what she believes is right. i asked her to prove it. she said nothing. having a spouse that disagrees with you and wont listen makes it hard. i keep ing God would open her eyes. i am content in the thought that He is in control and that He will irrestistibly persuade her when He feels that it is appropriate....


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## polemic_turtle (Apr 25, 2006)

You sound as though you have an interesting life, FPC.

I remember hearing Charles Stanley saying that he told his daughter that if she changed her mind at the altar, she could make a signal to him and he'd fake a heart attack or something in order to stop the ceremony. Light hearted story, but important point: Don't get trapped into a difficult situation. Wait it out, discuss it some more, go through a systematic theology, but don't make a decision you'll regret. But then again, what do I know? Listen to those that have these same issues and compare them with your situation. Seek the Lord's will by careful prayer and examination of the Scriptures.

:twocents:


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 26, 2006)

> _Originally posted by Scott Bushey_
> My two cents:
> 
> If your fiance/wife submits without reservation, she probably is not Arminian but a Calvinist in disguise.



 Maybe eh?


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 26, 2006)

Bill, thank you for sharing your story. It must have been tough hanging in there. Thank you for your prayers as well. I will be praying for you too. God bless you.

Thanks Matthew. Keep the faith and keep praying for her. It is really something that people have to come to know and accept for themselves. It is very difficult for us to do that. I'll be praying for you too. God bless you. 

Thanks again to the both of you.


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## Anton Bruckner (Apr 26, 2006)

> _Originally posted by BaptistCanuk_
> Does it matter if a Calvinist is married to an Arminian? I don't see it as a problem but I know that some people do. Any help is appreciated.



I think it does matter. I also think it qualifies as being unequally yoked, but in an intra religious sense.

Arminians tend to take certain passages liberally, especially when it comes to women pastors etc.

While I can hang out with arminians etc, I don't think I can marry one, no matter how good looking she is or how well she cooks lasagna.

[Edited on 4-26-2006 by Slippery]


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## BaptistCanuk (Apr 26, 2006)

LOL well I think she is good looking and so far she hasn't cooked a lasagna. I don't know...I hear what you're saying because I thought about that before. But then I started feeling otherwise and that's why I asked you guys for your advice.


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