# Explaining death to a child



## Andres (Apr 29, 2015)

My wife's grandmother has terminal cancer and is only expected to live maybe another month or so. Our three year old is pretty close to her. She has been a major part of his life for the last two years. Even now, my son will accompany my wife to visit her at least once, sometimes twice a week. My son knows that "grammy is sick" and we pray for her often. The problem we are struggling with is how to explain her death to him. 
I don’t want to teach my son anything that isn’t true about death. I know that I can explain death to him biblically, but again, he’s three so he is limited in what he will grasp. One of my concerns is him fearing death - I don’t want him to think he will die soon, but then again I don’t want to give him false hope by saying something like, “oh you’re a little boy, you wont die until you’re old”. How do we strike balance in these areas? 
Does anyone have any experience explaining death to young children? Any suggestions on resources that might be helpful? Thanks in advance.


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## BGF (Apr 29, 2015)

In my experience, most young children are pretty resilient when it comes to death. When my granddaughter (3 or 4 years old at the time) lost her great grandfather (Pappaw) last year she knew he was gone and she missed him, but she didn't dwell on it. I would just stick to the biblical truth as appropriate for his age, comfort him when he grieves and know that he will be fine. Each child is different but they tend to get their cues from us. If we deal appropriately, they likely will.


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## DeniseM (Apr 30, 2015)

When my father-in-law passes away about four weeks ago quite unexpectedly, it was hard to make our three year old understand what was going on. We told him that his Grandpa had gone to heaven, but I think he still thinks of heaven as a temporary place that you just go and visit. While sitting in the church waiting for the memorial service to start, our son leaned over to me and asked, "When will Papaw get here?" I guess because we referred to it as 'Papaw's memorial service' he thought that he was supposed to be there. Two weeks ago he asked me if Papaw was better yet. I just keep telling him that Papaw died and that means that he won't be coming back and we won't be able to see him anymore until the time comes for God to take us to heaven. 

He was a little sad, all of the kids were very sorry to lose their Grandpa so suddenly, but like Brett said, kids usually take their cues from us and react the way we do. When the loved one is a Christian, it's all the easier to present to the child because we can focus on the blessing of their being with the Lord.


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## brendanchatt (Apr 30, 2015)

You can say that _typically_ people die when they're older, when talking about that point.


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## jwithnell (Apr 30, 2015)

The puritans thought it was important to teach children about death and to make sure they understand that every day is a gift from God who alone numbers our days. I've been telling this to our two youngest kids consistently all along, and in the typical order of life, they've attended funerals for older members of our congregation, and two of their grandparents, and they know my folks aren't doing well. Our oldest three were not nearly so blessed: they lost their Mom at 4, 9, and 14. It's important that kids know the effects of the fall, and not to have them living in a make-believe world. If they face difficult providences, they will be much better prepared to cling to the real hope that God extends to us.


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## nick (May 5, 2015)

My wife's father died when my daughter was a little over 3. She was very close with him and talked about him regularly. When he died, the family went through a season of not talking about him in front of her because it usually led to tears. While this is a normal reaction, I would advise you fight that urge. Discuss her often and use images to remind your son of her. Tell him stories about him and her.

Sadly, my daughter does not even know who he is now. We show photos and she has no idea who it is. How many memories do you have from being 3? You'll really need to work if you want the memories to stay there with him.

Side note: younger kids make dealing with the pain of death a lot easier. They'll keep you laughing with their typical goofy antics in the midst of serious hurt they are unaware of in others. Praise God for that.

I'll be praying for your family, brother.


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