# If the wife studies and comes to a different conviction....?



## Devoted (Apr 22, 2022)

This is a tricky one for me. 
What if the wife has more interest in reading and studying Scripture than her husband? And what if, in the course of this study, she comes to a different conviction than her husband (so it's not a matter of resolving theological differences before marriage)? I'll pick an example. What if the wife becomes quite convinced that being a strict sabbatarian is good and right and necessary, but the husband thinks that is not theologically correct and wants to continue as before with the family's typical recreations?

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## CJW (Apr 22, 2022)

I was in that exact situation over that exact issue. I respectfully informed my husband of my position, and said I could no longer in good conscience participate in Lord’s Day recreational outings. He wasn‘t particularly upset, and it’s never been an issue, but then we aren’t very recreationally inclined, and both grateful for a day of rest from farm chores.


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## jwithnell (Apr 22, 2022)

A constant stream of fellowship, prayer, and Bible reading within the home helps to avoid surprises doctrinely regardless of how much theology any one person engages. Doing so creates a common ground in the Word and best ensures that different conclusions can be dealt with charitably.

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## Devoted (Apr 22, 2022)

jwithnell said:


> A constant stream of fellowship, prayer, and Bible reading within the home helps to avoid surprises doctrinely regardless of how much theology any one person engages. Doing so creates a common ground in the Word and best ensures that different conclusions can be dealt with charitably.


But what if the wife wishes to have this constant stream of fellowship, prayer, and Bible reading, and the husband does not participate?


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## Jeri Tanner (Apr 22, 2022)

Kristin, it's a hard providence, with hope. As a wife seeks to quietly live out her godly convictions (like Sabbath-keeping) with sympathy and respect and graciousness to her husband, she can have hope that God will work in all these circumstances to bring her husband to a better understanding. This is where the rubber meets the road and it's often such an unexpected disappointment, whether it's the husband or the wife, that a spouse doesn't embrace the same love and zeal for the Lord and his ways. But-- the Lord knows. He doesn't miss these things, and he's still working all things together for good to them that love him, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Practically, where it comes down to what things to take a stand on and when, that is pastoral advice. Domestical Duties by William Gouge has been helpful to many. https://www.amazon.com/Domestical-Duties-William-Gouge/dp/1430309598

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## Jerusalem Blade (Apr 22, 2022)

An online version of Gouge's _Of Domestical Duties_,_ https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/A68107.0001.001?view=toc_

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## Mr. Great-Heart (Apr 22, 2022)

I would recommend this version instead (in my opinion, worth the money vs. free) - I believe this volume would cover the relevant section of the original work.









Building a Godly Home, Volume 2: A Holy Vision for a Happy Marriage (Gouge)


Puritan and Reformed books at discounted prices.




www.heritagebooks.org

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## Jerusalem Blade (Apr 22, 2022)

Kristin, a couple of thoughts arise: there are godly folks who have a laxer view of the Lord's Day and godly recreation than those who adhere to the strict understanding of no recreation. Not sure if that applies. Then there is the issue of regeneration; i.e., the lack of interest in "fellowship, prayer, and Bible reading". Is it possible your other half is not born again? It sometimes happens this turns out to be the case. Then your heartfelt prayers and efforts will be of a different sort.

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## Ed Walsh (Apr 23, 2022)

Jeri Tanner said:


> Kristin, it's a hard providence, with hope. As a wife seeks to quietly live out her godly convictions (like Sabbath-keeping) with sympathy and respect and graciousness to her husband, she can have hope that God will work in all these circumstances to bring her husband to a better understanding. This is where the rubber meets the road and it's often such an unexpected disappointment, whether it's the husband or the wife, that a spouse doesn't embrace the same love and zeal for the Lord and his ways. But-- the Lord knows. He doesn't miss these things, and he's still working all things together for good to them that love him, to them who are the called according to his purpose.



A wise and kind answer.

Kristin,

Not being privy to all the details, I have no _"therefore you should..."_ answers. I am only writing to say two things.

These situations can be much more trying when the wife is the dissenting party than the reverse.
I will pray for you this morning.
Ed


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## CovenantPatriot87 (Apr 23, 2022)

Devoted said:


> This is a tricky one for me.
> What if the wife has more interest in reading and studying Scripture than her husband? And what if, in the course of this study, she comes to a different conviction than her husband (so it's not a matter of resolving theological differences before marriage)? I'll pick an example. What if the wife becomes quite convinced that being a strict sabbatarian is good and right and necessary, but the husband thinks that is not theologically correct and wants to continue as before with the family's typical recreations?


Why not just talk to him about it? Thats what my wife does with me. Often shes right.

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## Jeri Tanner (Apr 23, 2022)

Mr. Great-Heart said:


> I would recommend this version instead (in my opinion, worth the money vs. free) - I believe this volume would cover the relevant section of the original work.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The only thing about this version is that, according to my memory, it edits the original and either leaves out or softens some issues, which I found a deal-killer and kept me on Gouge’s original— I can’t remember what the exact issues were, will try to find that out.

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## Devoted (Apr 25, 2022)

CovenantPatriot87 said:


> Why not just talk to him about it? Thats what my wife does with me. Often shes right.


Trying to talk about things is always my first course. Not getting anywhere with that is when I look to outside counsel. And yes, there is a also a reason why I posted here instead of directly going to a pastor next.

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## Devoted (Apr 25, 2022)

By the way, the issue in mind is not sabbath keeping. I just used that as an example of something that people feel very strongly about and argue their point from Scripture, earnestly seeking to honor God in their convictions, but who can also come to very different conclusions.

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## Knight George (Apr 25, 2022)

Jerusalem Blade said:


> An online version of Gouge's _Of Domestical Duties_,_ https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/A68107.0001.001?view=toc_


Thank you Steve! I was trying to find a hard copy of this book at my library (wishing I could just find a free online version instead), than I scrolled down and found your link.


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## Logan (Apr 25, 2022)

Knight George said:


> Thank you Steve! I was trying to find a hard copy of this book at my library (wishing I could just find a free online version instead), than I scrolled down and found your link.


As noted above, Reformation Heritage Books sells it as a very nicely re-done three-volume "Building a Godly Home" set. Highly recommended. I love Gouge and it's well-worth supporting bringing works like his back into print.


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## ZackF (Apr 25, 2022)

Logan said:


> As noted above, Reformation Heritage Books sells it as a very nicely re-done three-volume "Building a Godly Home" set. Highly recommended. I love Gouge and it's well-worth supporting bringing works like his back into print.


Too bad they didn't have that edition in print when you insisted your non-yet wife read it.


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## reformed grit (Apr 25, 2022)

Just be careful is all I can advise. I've never married, but before the church I grew up in fell apart under a completely different guy, we had a lovely young pastor with a wife and several kids. The pastor was top-notch, though a wee unsure of himself. The wife, however, was even keener, a darling of the denomination, with books, etc. To make a long story short, they started a mission church, he had a brief encounter with a woman he was counselling, and he had to withdraw from the ministry for a while. He and his wife worked through issues and stayed together, but it seemed to have all began with her greater 'success' in the Lord.

But do not go nuts over things. Most married men will admit to their wife being their better half. And whatever you do, don't lean on the advise of someone who has never married. Well, alright, Jesus, but no one without similar experience.


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## Knight George (Apr 25, 2022)

Logan said:


> As noted above, Reformation Heritage Books sells it as a very nicely re-done three-volume "Building a Godly Home" set. Highly recommended. I love Gouge and it's well-worth supporting bringing works like his back into print.


Hi Logan yes, print books are great! But for those of us with limited resources going towards tuition, and living in small living quarters the cost and space needed for a traditional private library just isn't possible.


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## chuckd (Apr 25, 2022)

Jerusalem Blade said:


> An online version of Gouge's _Of Domestical Duties_,_ https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/A68107.0001.001?view=toc_


This is a much better copy:





Chapel Library







www.chapellibrary.org









Chapel Library







www.chapellibrary.org

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## chuckd (Apr 25, 2022)

Jeri Tanner said:


> The only thing about this version is that, according to my memory, it edits the original and either leaves out or softens some issues, which I found a deal-killer and kept me on Gouge’s original— I can’t remember what the exact issues were, will try to find that out.


It removes the duties of servants and masters. Still applicable for today's workplaces, but not many have "domestical" servants anymore.


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## Jeri Tanner (Apr 25, 2022)

chuckd said:


> It removes the duties of servants and masters. Still applicable for today's workplaces, but not many have "domestical" servants anymore.


Did it remove the language of superiors and inferiors? I think that may be what I'm remembering. Not to derail the thread though or to undermine the RHB version.


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## Pergamum (Apr 26, 2022)

The Tyranny of the Stricter Conscience: One thing I have sometimes observed in couples where one has stronger convictions is that the one who is more strongly convicted often nags and treats the other one as lesser spiritually. "If only my husband would become a better (read "stricter") Christian and adopt head-coverings, exclusive psalms, etc" This is very odious and is to be a avoided. In one case, the husband adopted the head-covering for her, then she moved on to the Sabbath, so he adopted that, so then she started harping on Exclusive psalms. The poor guy was spiritually hen-pecked. She would have been a better wife to shut her trap and let him have peace.


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## Jeri Tanner (Apr 26, 2022)

Pergamum said:


> The Tyranny of the Stricter Conscience: One thing I have sometimes observed in couples where one has stronger convictions is that the one who is more strongly convicted often nags and treats the other one as lesser spiritually. "If only my husband would become a better (read "stricter") Christian and adopt head-coverings, exclusive psalms, etc" This is very odious and is to be a avoided. In one case, the husband adopted the head-covering for her, then she moved on to the Sabbath, so he adopted that, so then she started harping on Exclusive psalms. The poor guy was spiritually hen-pecked. She would have been a better wife to shut her trap and let him have peace.


Even if less than eloquently stated , there is much truth here. There is a subtle poison that can set in, and loss of respect for a husband, that feels justified when he is not showing the interest in the things of God that one would hope. This will inevitably show itself, and can poison children's respect for both parents, and lead to bitterness and disrespect in their own hearts which will also show itself in outward disrespect and bad behavior. Wives in difficult situations must beware of this and run to the Lord if there's any hint of this in the home, and cry to God to show them their own sin and haughtiness. And study the word of God and seek counsel if necessary to change.

I would just push back a little bit Perg, and say that the things you mentioned (Sabbath-keeping, worship) are moral issues as much as any of the commandments. So it's natural and right to be moved when one comes to those convictions but no interest is presently showed by a spouse. It's just that 1 Peter 3:1-5 applies in these cases too, and genuine respect and honor are due to one's husband no matter what.

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## Pergamum (Apr 26, 2022)

Jeri Tanner said:


> Even if less than eloquently stated , there is much truth here. There is a subtle poison that can set in, and loss of respect for a husband, that feels justified when he is not showing the interest in the things of God that one would hope. This will inevitably show itself, and can poison children's respect for both parents, and lead to bitterness and disrespect in their own hearts which will also show itself in outward disrespect and bad behavior. Wives in difficult situations must beware of this and run to the Lord if there's any hint of this in the home, and cry to God to show them their own sin and haughtiness. And study the word of God and seek counsel if necessary to change.
> 
> I would just push back a little bit Perg, and say that the things you mentioned (Sabbath-keeping, worship) are moral issues as much as any of the commandments. So it's natural and right to be moved when one comes to those convictions but no interest is presently showed by a spouse. It's just that 1 Peter 3:1-5 applies in these cases too, and genuine respect and honor are due to one's husband no matter what.


Thanks. I specialize in stating things less than eloquently.

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