# How do you comfort someone who's lost a baby?



## Richard King (Feb 1, 2005)

I have a friend and his wife who just lost a baby son in delivery last night. I have no words. What do you say or do?


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## Richard King (Feb 1, 2005)

Soory I posted this in the wrong topic. I'm new.


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## LadyFlynt (Feb 1, 2005)

I don't really know....but I have had a friend that lost every single one of their babies...the last one all I said was "I'm sorry"....but I had found out months after the fact. If it was recent then "I'm sorry, I'll be praying for you and your wife, let me know if there is anything I can do for you (ie if they have children, need meals brought to them for awhile, etc)." Basically just be there with ears open and mouth shut if he starts talking.


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## sastark (Feb 1, 2005)

"ears open and mouth shut if he starts talking"

Good advice. I'm in no way a counselor, however, I would weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice and always be prepared to give an encouraging word whenever appropriate.


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## BobVigneault (Feb 1, 2005)

First off it may not be necessary to say anything profound. Express your sorrow to them and make your self available if they should need anything. Death hurts, losing a loved one is awful and grief is normal.

There are no words that will neatly explain why their baby died. When my own grand-daughter was killed I was impressed by two things.

1. Tragedy has a way of making us dwell on what we have lost, but the Lord caused me to see His mercy in the thousands of things we take for granted. Friends bringing comfort, his Word, and the realizaton that things could be worse though that's hard to imagine when you've lost a baby.

2. I realized that I would have spared my grand-daughter and my daughter would have spared her baby, but God didn't. That seems harsh but it reminded me that God in the same manner didn't spare his own Son. Both deaths seemed senseless at the time.

God did not spare his OWN Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 

Don't say, as my pastor did at the funeral, "Some will say "How could God let this happen? God didn't let this happen - things happen but God comes and comforts us."

And we can't say that all babies go to heaven. Don't go where scripture doesn't go.

Start by telling them your are sorry and ask the Lord if there is more you can offer. Don't feel pressured to say anything. Hurt with them.


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## RamistThomist (Feb 1, 2005)

Having lost two baby cousins all I can offer at the moment is this:

AVOID EVANGELICAL CLICHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## LadyFlynt (Feb 1, 2005)




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## jfschultz (Feb 1, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Richard King_
> I have a friend and his wife who just lost a baby son in delivery last night. I have no words. What do you say or do?



I have a copy of a sermon preached by a PCA minister after losing a week old girl. I'll make a note to e-mail it to you this evening.

It might take you a couple of tries to get it printed right. It is set up to print front and back on letter size sheets and then folded into a booklet.


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## C. Matthew McMahon (Feb 1, 2005)

As a minister, I have had to deal with this.

I can tell you - Scripture is the greatest help you can offer.

Pagans can console one another by telling the grieved how they feel. Only Christ can cure the wounded soul.

I often use the account of Lazarus on situation like that.
Christ, the Sovereign God of the universe, sovereignly allowed Lazarus to die. When Christ got to the tomb, he wept. The Sovereign God of the Universe wept for Lazarus whom He allowed to die on purpose (think through that). Then He raised him from the dead. Console them in the sovereign power of God's wisdom in such things, and let them know Christ, the compassionate One, identifies with their grief. He grieved as well, and He is all powerful.


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## pastorway (Feb 1, 2005)

This happened to a family in our church last year. Beside being there for them, weeping with them, and praying with them, I gave tham a copy of John MacArthur's book _Safe in the Arms of Jesus_.

Phillip


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## Tirian (Mar 26, 2006)

Also, whatever you decide to do it's important to do something and not nothing. When I was in the situation of having friends go through this several years ago I thought my friends would want space to deal with their grief & heal together. However I gave them WAY too much space - I thought I was doing the right thing but they needed/wanted my support & I just wasn't there.

By God's grace and despite my ineptitude, the friendship survived - but it's a painful memory for me still. I just want to slap my forehead when I think of it.

Matt

[Edited on 3-26-2006 by Matthew Glover]


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## LawrenceU (Mar 26, 2006)

Having been there on both ends of the spectrum as a pastor and a consolee DON'T TRY TO 'FIX' THEM EMOTIONALLY!!!!!! Be there quietly, lovingly, consistently. Don't preach to them. Don't teach them. Don't 'read' Scripture to them - at first, and 'at first' can be a month or a year depending upon how they grieve. Cry with them, but don't tell them 'I know how you feel' - unless you really do. 

Be sure in your interaction not to avoid the elephant in the room due to your own discomfort. I had one friend that suddenly wanted to play golf with me, at his expense, all the time. Hey, I love golf and thought, 'Great, now I can get out of the house and maybe I can talk about this without having to upset my wife.' The only problem was I couldn't bring it up. And, after three months of golf not once did he ever ask. 'So, how are you doing?' I would have died for an opener like that. I know that is wierd, but it is real.


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## DTK (Mar 26, 2006)

> _Originally posted by Richard King_
> I have a friend and his wife who just lost a baby son in delivery last night. I have no words. What do you say or do?


Richard,

Say as little as possible, and be there for them as much as is possible. There will be plenty of time in the weeks to come to offer needed comfort by way of words. The very best thing you can possibly do right now - is to be there for them, and let them vent if it comes to that. Hold your peace and be there for them.

DTK


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