# the iron idiot



## a mere housewife (Aug 9, 2008)

Last Saturday our friends Ben & Denise and their kids came over and worked in the heat of the day, for four hours, to clear out garden spaces in our yard and help us plant things. Moreover, they brought us things to plant. Moreover, Denise made me a casserole. I don't know who could have more amazing friends: these are the same people who traveled all the way down to Mexico City from Indiana a couple years ago (destroying the breaks on their van and being threatened with imprisonment if they didn't pay a hefty bribe) to bring Ruben his books. I thought I would try to do something minusculy nice in return, and make something to go in the pan when I returned it. Unfortunately I only realized today that I would return it tomorrow, and all I had in the house were chocolate chips and amaranth. They eat really healthily at home but they do like dessert so I decided to throw the chocolate chips and amaranth in the same pan and see what happened. It wasn't all that impressive. Unfortunately I didn't have much to add. Some vanilla yogurt. I tried it. A mistake. I thought hard and decided it couldn't hurt to add peanut butter. I was wrong. So I added some more yogurt. Disgusting.


I had some whipping cream I was trying to avoid because it isn't exactly health food. I caved and poured it in. Gross. I added more. Disturbing. Having little left to throw in, I miraculously thought to add cottage cheese. Interesting. To put it mildly. Meanwhile the stuff, which was originally supposed to be along the lines of fudge, had turned into a soup. I had no thickening agents but brown rice flour. Brown rice flour is healthy. Besides I wasn't thinking clearly after euphoric height of the cottage cheese. I added the flour on the principle that if it seems not to be fixing the problem, you have to add more.


The carnage in spoons was terrible. My own stomach lining will never be the same again. Meanwhile I invested about three pounds of otherwise usable food in this –I don't know what to call it. Biological weapon? But all the time I was thinking to myself that Ben and Denise are worth it. (Not to reflect badly on such dear friends.)


Where did I go wrong? And is there any way to redeem the whatchamacallit? Because nothing says 'thank you for sacrificially working on my lawn' like handing your best friends a gob of brown goo. “Here I made this abomination for ya.”


The good news is that chocolate turns out to be good for poison ivy (natural antihistamines) which I currently have. The particularly virulent form of chocolate should probably destroy my histamine producing capabilities, thus turning me into a mutant, capable of using my special powers to fight injustice by failing at the critical moment to produce histamine. The element of surprise. No criminal would expect that.


----------



## Beth Ellen Nagle (Aug 9, 2008)

This is the most interesting thing I have read all day!


----------



## bradstreet (Aug 9, 2008)

Heidi, you are a talented writer! It runs in the family, as I know your Mom is quite the pro. I just loved this. Ben and Denise are incredible and I don't think they'd mind the empty pan at all.

So chocolate is good for poison ivy? I had a wild case of it about a month ago and I've let my yard get like a jungle for fear of another bout. To my dismay, the poison ivy returned this week. The wind must have blown it on me. So what do I do, eat the chocolate or rub it on my arms?? I hope you say to just eat it


----------



## py3ak (Aug 9, 2008)

Heidi says she can bring the stuff tomorrow for you to rub on your arms.

However, her own practice is to eat the chocolate. She posted about it on her joint housekeeping blog.

By the way, welcome to the Puritan Board! I didn't realize until today that you were a member.


----------



## turmeric (Aug 9, 2008)

The Chocolate Avenger!!! You could draw a cartoon of how you turned into this character if you have drawing talent. I would throw it out and start over. Did you prepare the amaranth first? If you have more I would make hot cereal out of the amaranth first, or if it's edible dry, I would roast it in the oven and add it to melted chocolate. Don't add flour - with any luck you'd get a sort of rice krispy chocolate treat. If you make hot cereal out of the amaranth you can make amaranth cookies like oatmeal cookies with the chocolate chips.

I've created a few monsters in my kitchen. That might be a funny thread to start - PB Cooking Disasters.


----------



## a mere housewife (Aug 9, 2008)

Meg, I have been reduced to wondering if I should just do a trail mix . Maybe I should just take her the ingredients and let her make something with them.


I would love to be the Chocolate Avenger. Flinging potent homemade disasters at high speeds. 


Angela, I'm so sorry to hear about your poison ivy! We'll have to compare notes at some point.



I'm glad the experience amused some . It makes me feel like the food was not completely wasted.


----------



## Ex Nihilo (Aug 10, 2008)

bradstreet said:


> Heidi, you are a talented writer!


----------



## turmeric (Aug 10, 2008)

Heidi I meant to say *toast* the amaranth, not *roast.* I wonder if it wouldn't pop like popcorn and help to make a crispy treat.


----------

