# I want another child. Am I fit to raise the ones I already have?



## sampan1997 (Mar 16, 2022)

Hello! This is my first post here on PuritanBoard and this issue is why I decided to take the plunge to pursue membership on this site. I'd like some input. I'm new to the reformed faith and I'm not very established at my church yet. My husband and I see a pastor from this church for counseling every now and then and I've heard him speak to this a bit, with hope and encouragement. However, I can't help but think that if he and others actually saw me at home, they would think I ought not to have another child. Perhaps that wouldn't be an inherently bad piece of advice, but if it is true I need some help processing that without slipping into utter despair.
I am a young mom. I have 3 children, they are ages 4, 2, and 1. My husband and I got married about 5 years ago and we have been through _a lot_. We are no strangers to chaos in life as we both come from secular homes with _much _dysfunction, and after the Lord saved us both we quickly directed our all-or-nothing attitudes toward the things of God. All that being said, along they way, we've grown our family, and so much of my sin has come to the surface. Long story short, my children have witnessed me blow up more times than I could bare to count. It's a rare day, maybe a few days in a month, that I have the sense that I'm having intentionality with my kids, the housework, my sin, my friends, and so on. These are the days when I am rarely snarling at my kids. Every other day on the month, I'm snarling at them multiple times a day. Some days are better, some are worse. I might grab them firmly, raise my voice in their face, mildly berate/shame them in a comment that would have them receiving that I think they are dumb. And these things can go on back -to-back for what seems like hours as different situations arise. I have improved a lot I think in not formally disciplining in anger, so that's good. I straight up yell sometimes, probably safe to say a handful of times per week on average. Is my situation relatable and am I not destroying my children or is this all detestable? I also have had a habit in our marital conflict to become angry, curse, storm out of the house, slam doors, say spiteful things, yell, all the dramatic things, even with my children around. This has gotten better with time and counseling and soul-searching, but I still feel like I am such an irredeemable mess (not in the eternal sense), and that I'm setting my children up to be no different. I can't tell if I'm under normal stressors and responding normally, though sinfully, or if I should have, in a sense, paused having kids 3 or even 5 years ago, or that I was always far too odious to have even gotten married. I get stuck in this loop because I love my kids so much, I love my husband, I want to be a good parent and wife. I want 1 more child before pausing but I wonder if I am apparently too overwhelmed that I should ask of the Lord that we be given no more at this time. I talk about these things as though I am on my own but of course my husband is also to be consulted in these things but he really could go either way. Most of the people I've confided in don't seem to have a particular concern for me or my kids but I have this nagging doubt that they just don't know everything, or that they are being too soft. My husband has had hopes of going to seminary one day and I feel like I've already ruined the potential for that call too. I know that God will have his way in the end but at times I just don't see how it could be so. I welcome responses from those who do and those who do not support non-abortive methods of birth control. Thanks for reading.


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## SolaScriptura (Mar 16, 2022)

I don't know you, so its hard to have an accurate picture... but I do appreciate that you've been transparent enough to shed some degree of light on the situation by providing some of the specific details about your behaviors.

Long story short: the good news is that you haven't "ruined" the potential for anything. But that said, you *desperately* need discipleship in the form of accountability to mortify your learned behaviors that have now become your "normal" responses.

My mom grew up in a horrifically abusive environment. As a mother she struggled for years with the scars from her upbringing. Even though she despised her upbringing, when stressed or angry she would fly into a fit of rage, and she said and did things that by modern standards were clearly abusive. It wasn't until I was about 10 that she became a Christian. And her behavior gradually changed until, by the time of her passing (breast cancer took her at the ripe old age of 48) she was a sweet woman and an excellent grandmother to her growing number of grandchildren.

I don't think you're "ruining" your children. But as a Christian you should hold two truths in tandem: you're a work in progress (so don't beat yourself up that you aren't perfect), and present sinful attitudes and actions need to be mortified (so don't merely dismiss your sins as insignificant).

My counsel would be that your priority needs to be on walking in obedience to Christ. There appears to be some "low-hanging fruit" that you've identified... now address those matters. Maybe good and focused counseling would be helpful. But alongside that I am almost certain you will find good accountability and discipleship to be remarkably helpful. So DEFINITELY talk to an elder you trust. If you don't trust your shepherd(s), then that's a different issue.

In my opinion, the most practically helpful thing would be: a good friend. Yup. Not a pastor nor a counselor. A good friend who is godly who can walk with you and model to you how to be a godly wife and mother. How to practically love (because, in the words of DC Talk, love is a verb) those of your household is very difficult because they give us so much stress and see us at our worst... so as a young mother "how" to do this well is a skill that is learned. That is exactly the point of Titus 2:4!

Focus on walking in obedience to Christ, and this partly means learning how to exist with and respond to stress and tiredness and anger with self-control and graciousness, but specifically as a wife and as a mother. And while I don't think you should rule out more children, I think you would do well to worry more about treating appropriately the family you have than prioritizing the family you don't.

Just my two cents. Take them for what they're worth.

Reactions: Like 4 | Edifying 1


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## Edward (Mar 16, 2022)

Without knowing your pastor, I will observe that most pastors like the time and training to give you the level of counseling that you appear to need. And it appears that you are not comfortable being as open with him as you need to be. 

I expect that you may get a fair amount of 'talk to your elders' here, but it may be what you need to talk to them about is a referral to a professional, certified counselor that you can trust enough to be open with.

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## SolaScriptura (Mar 16, 2022)

Edward said:


> Without knowing your pastor, I will observe that most pastors like the time and training to give you the level of counseling that you appear to need. And it appears that you are not comfortable being as open with him as you need to be.
> 
> I expect that you may get a fair amount of 'talk to your elders' here, but it may be what you need to talk to them about is a referral to a professional, certified counselor that you can trust enough to be open with.


This also is true. But I'd still add that the best professional counseling should done in coordination with or "alongside" rather than "instead of" the local church. While our attitudes, learned/conditioned responses (which are behaviors), and actions can often benefit from good counseling, at the end of the day they are matters of discipleship, and I believe there is great value to good counseling on the one hand while one is getting good support and discipleship on the other.

But granted, while not a certified counselor, I do have more experience and training than does the typical pastor I encounter. So my mindset is a bit different.

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## sampan1997 (Mar 16, 2022)

SolaScriptura said:


> I don't think you're "ruining" your children. But as a Christian you should hold two truths in tandem: you're a work in progress (so don't beat yourself up that you aren't perfect), and present sinful attitudes and actions need to be mortified (so don't merely dismiss your sins as insignificant).
> 
> My counsel would be that your priority needs to be on walking in obedience to Christ. There appears to be some "low-hanging fruit" that you've identified... now address those matters. But you will find good accountability and discipleship to be remarkably helpful. So DEFINITELY talk to an elder you trust.
> Focus on walking in obedience to Christ, and this partly means learning how to exist with and respond to stress and tiredness and anger with self-control and graciousness, but specifically as a wife and as a mother. And while I don't think you should rule out more children, I think you would do well to worry more about treating appropriately the family you have than prioritizing the family you don't.


Thanks for these reminders and exhortations. And thanks for sharing that bit of hope in that tidbit about your mother.

I guess when it comes to priorities it's been hard to know what is warrant to wait. I don't know of a parent perfectly fit for any number of children and so that is just one side of the coin that trips me up. But I receive what you're saying that whatever we do, in heart my priority needs to be my family that I already have. And my husband and I need to be able to be honest about whether another pregnancy at this time will be conducive to improving in those things.


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## Miss Marple (Mar 16, 2022)

I guess my prayer would be

"Father, I have sinned with my temper against my children. I am unsure whether I am able to properly raise children. Please send more only if you are pleased to improve my temperment to where I can express the love of Christ to them consistently. Forgive me for my temper and help my children forgive me."

Further, I'd ask forgiveness from the children for any specific thing you said or did that was sinning against them. You don't have to make an hour long deal of it, just, "Timmy, when I said you never clean your room properly, I sinned against you. You do fine most of the time. So it was a lie and it was mean. Will you please forgive me? I am trying to control my temper. You are a good son and I love you."

I hope that helps. You are right to discern that anger is very damaging to our children. We have probably all struggled with it.

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## itsreed (Mar 16, 2022)

As one who can relate to your descriptions, a few thoughts:
- Yes, your outburst will hurt your family. Such behavior (as I expect you recognize) is a kin to murder.
- Yes, your children, your husband, AND you can experience the redemptive mercy of Christ, which can turn the hurt into resources for growth in Christlikeness.
- Yes, continuing to grow in the practices of mortifying your sin will be used of the Spirit to bless your kids, your husband, and you.
- Yes, repeated repentance expressed to your kids and your husband is the sweetness of mortification that will be used to encourage your family.
You will grow in Christlikeness (godliness - love for God, holiness - living for God by loving others).

As to further children, it seems that other factors of ordinary life are equally relevant (e.g., health, needs of other children, etc.). In other words,, your angry outbursts are not sufficient in to deter further children. Given the horrible things I've done to my family, I resonate with your fears. And, God's promises of healing and restoration will more than remove your fears. Take heart, in Him.

With your husband, put this question to lots of prayer. Seek prayer likewise from godly older women in your church. The Spirit will guide your path to the answer that is right for today, and then tomorrow too.

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## sampan1997 (Mar 16, 2022)

itsreed said:


> As to further children, it seems that other factors of ordinary life are equally relevant (e.g., health, needs of other children, etc.). In other words,, your angry outbursts are not sufficient in to deter further children.


Thanks a lot for this added perspective. And for your encouragement through God's sustaining your family in spite of you, too.


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## JTB.SDG (Mar 16, 2022)

Sister, I can very much relate to this. We have five kids, 9, 7, 4, 2, and 3 months. The season of life you're in right now with 4,2, and 1 is just about the hardest season you could have as a parent, and specifically, as a mom. At least for us. 2016-2017 for us was a time in our marriage and family we'd definitely like to forget. It was me rather than my wife who had most of the anger issues especially with the kids. I want to really commend you for posting this. The fact that you're not hiding and laying your soul and life bare at the mercy of God and others is a good sign. The behavior, obviously, isn't good. I don't think you need convincing there. But what you do need is genuine repentance. You didn't speak to this but I would really encourage you to also confess your sins and ask forgiveness from your kids. Let them know Mommy's behavior isn't right, that she too is a sinner who needs God; that she sometimes takes out her own anxieties etc on them and that's not right; that what she says about them when she loses her temper isn't true. Hug them, ask their forgiveness, even their prayers for you too. There have been times to my shame I have said things to one of our children that a father should never say to their child. I can't undo that. But Jesus is the resurrection and the life and He can work resurrection and healing through our sin as we come to Him and as we go to those we've sinned against as broken people and ask forgiveness. I would also encourage you to search out your heart. Obviously the anger is the issue but why is it there, what idols and sins are behind it and how does the gospel speak to those things? It sounds to me like a lot of this may be because you're not necessarily feeding on Christ so there's not strength to deal with everything else that happens during the day with the kids. That's not to say you should be waking up at 4am to get 2 hours of Bible in. I understand the season and that you don't have any time and you're tired. A single verse or scriptural promise to cling to throughout the day can go a long way to give you the strength you need. You're not in an easy place. My heroes used to be missionaries in my single days, now they are moms, really. Jesus has you. Get with him. Let him cleanse you and your conscience. Ask him to change you and heal you and give you the strength.

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## Jack K (Mar 16, 2022)

Thanks for sharing, Grace. Almost every parent goes through this to some extent. A few thoughts:

First, remember that at its core the Christian life (and that includes Christian parenting) is not about good-behavior performance but rather about repentance and faith. This means that, although a parent's bad behaviors such as misplaced anger will indeed affect a child, you can still teach the most important lessons of all if you model repentance and faith in the midst of that struggle. So, "Did you get angry with the kids?" is less important than "How did you repent and turn to Jesus after getting angry?" And let your kids witness that repentance and faith. Let them see your sorrow. Let them hear you apologize. Let them watch you pray about it. Let them see you turn to the Bible for comfort and correction after an outburst. Let them hear you talk about it with your husband or a good friend. By modeling repentance and faith, even in the midst of obvious and besetting sin, you can teach incredibly valuable lessons that will be a lasting treasure for your kids.

Second, it sounds like you might be stuck in a got-to-be-a-good-mom performance mindset that actually makes your anger worse. Are _you_ believing the gospel daily? Anger often stems from insecurity. If your sense of self-worth is wrapped up in being a good mom whose kids will grow up well-adjusted because you were a model Christian parent, then it's no surprise you get angry with the kids (or with someone else, even yourself) when something upsets that good-household agenda. You probably need to look less at how you fail under God's law and more at how much your heavenly Father loves you in Christ—how secure and treasured you are even when your parenting goes haywire. Christian growth does not come mostly through trying hard to be the acceptable parent you know you should be, but by knowing you are already accepted in Christ—and living out of that security. Seek devotional resources along those lines.

Third, I sense you need Christian friends or counsellors who will point you to Christ and let you be totally open about your sin, safely. For the kind of situation you describe, working on it alone is not likely to get you very far. We are designed to confess to each other and bear each other's burdens. Ideally, these helpers would include both your husband and a friend or two you know locally and can see regularly in person. The friend is important because there probably are things you can't share easily with your husband, even if you have a good marriage. Is there anyone in your life who will consistently steer you toward Jesus, even when you share the worst, rather than pull back or pressure you to do better? If there is, you have a gem of a friend. Ask that person to come alongside you in your struggle. If there's no one locally, I or others here might be able to find a Christian counsellor for you who would take that look-to-Jesus approach via phone or online—but in-person is usually better.

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## sampan1997 (Mar 16, 2022)

JTB.SDG said:


> Sister, I can very much relate to this.





JTB.SDG said:


> It sounds to me like a lot of this may be because you're not necessarily feeding on Christ


You're right. This conversation has really shed light on that. I have not been seeking God like that lately. 
I knew that but in the mire I can be distracted from that simple explanation. I am grateful that I can reflect on this conversation in future. 

And thanks so much for sharing in those struggles.


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## sampan1997 (Mar 16, 2022)

Jack K said:


> First, remember that at its core the Christian life (and that includes Christian parenting) is not about good-behavior performance but rather about repentance and faith.
> Second, it sounds like you might be stuck in a got-to-be-a-good-mom performance mindset that actually makes your anger worse.
> Third, I sense you need Christian friends or counsellors who will point you to Christ and let you be totally open about your sin, safely.


Thank you so much! I love bottom liners. Very helpful reflections.


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## Romans922 (Mar 16, 2022)

Besides what is above, I would suggest:

-Husband conducting family worship daily
-Private worship where you pray for yourself in the matters of the OP
-Repenting of your sins against your husband before your husband, and your sins against your children before your children.

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## Edward (Mar 16, 2022)

SolaScriptura said:


> the best professional counseling should done in coordination with or "alongside" rather than "instead of" the local church.


I can't decide which of two responses to post, so I'll let folks pick whichever they would perfer to argue with.

Option A: "In an ideal world"

Option B" "Depends on the church"

In any event, as you noted, you had additional training and life experence before you got to a local church pulpit. A fair number of preachers have had a fairly sheltered upbringing, and lack life experience when they come out of seminary with a handful of hours in counseling. A seminary degree no more makes a counselor than a law degree makes a litigator. 

And I would note that while you posted before me, I was typing my first response above when you posted yours, and hit post before going back to see what you posted. So my post was anticipatory, not responsive to yours.

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