# Calzones



## Theognome (Oct 11, 2008)

I do love to cook. I usually cook Italian dishes, though I do sometimes cook Tex-Mex and Chinese stuff as well. Tomorrow is the Lord's Day, and our church has a fellowship meal after worship on every first Sunday of the month. So, I decided to make Calzones for the meal.

Now I learned Italian cooking from an 80-year-old, 300-pound Sicilian woman who went by the name, 'Mama Pietro'. She was never without a glass of red wine in her hand, and the phrase she spoke most often was, 'Shaddappi!" I worked in her restaurant for a couple of years, starting with sweeping the floors and eventually as a cook in her kitchen. So, I've been slapped in the face by Mama Pietro enough times to have an understanding of Italian cooking.

Now I made the Calzones tonight a bit differently than I usually do, and Toni was unable to stop eating them. "I can't eat another bite," she'd say as she started another mouthful. Mama (Toni's mom, Pat, who lives with us) was just as smitten by this Sicilian ambrosia. Toni suggested that I write down the recipe for these things, so that others may enjoy them.

This is not as easy as it would sound, as I have never cooked Italian food using a recipe. Mama Pietro didn't use them, as she taught me to cook by smell and feel. But, I'll try to relay here just how it is that I made these things. Please note that this is an all-day endeavor. I began cooking at 10 this morning, and just now finished (it's a little after 9pm), and I haven't even started to clean up yet. That will be another hour or two, as I destroyed the kitchen in the process. I always do.

Since these things take a long time to make, whether you make a few or truckloads of the things, I typically make tons of them at once and freeze them for later. We'll live off of the things for the next week or so. So, if you have a day to kill and a desire for some sinfully delicious grub, here's how I make...

CALZONES ALA THEOGNOME

1. The sauce

Note: Red sauce is art. An Italian cook is made or unmade by their sauces. Accept no substitutes!

A. Blanch, peel and de-seed about 10 pounds of tomatoes, and make about a gallon of tomato sauce. It's okay if you want to buy tomato sauce canned, but don't you dare buy pre-made red sauce. That junk isn't called 'Raw-Goo' for nothing.
B. Chop 4 large onions and toss them in.
C. Mince 30 or so cloves of garlic. Toss that in, too.
D. Mushrooms. Slice up a pound or so of them, and throw them into the fray.
E. Sliced black olives. About 7 oz. worth. Drain and throw into the pot.
F. A half a cup of so of a good red sherry cooking wine will help.
G. Celery salt. Add, ohh... I'd guess you could call it a tablespoon's worth.
H. Brown sugar. At least one cup. Maybe two. Uh, we'll call it a cup and a half.
I. Honey is nice. Drip in about two tablespoons worth, more or less.
J. Roma tomatoes. Chop about two pounds, and throw them in.
K. Pour in about a cup of extra virgin olive oil.
L. Pickled artichoke hearts need to be added. About two cups, drained, should do the trick.
M. Spices... you'll need oregano (fresh preferably), basil, rubbed sage, red pepper, black pepper, cilantro, thyme and savory. I shake until it looks right. I dunno just how much I put in of these, although I use more oregano and cilantro than I do the others. Don't be afraid to use the peppers. The total product will never be as spicy hot as the sauce is alone.

N. With all of this stuff in one helluva big pot, cover and bring it VERY slowly to a simmer, stirring occasionally. Use very low heat only. Don't rush this. Once the brew has been simmering for at least one hour, spice it to taste. You may wish to wait to add the spices until it is hot.

O. While the sauce is coming up, take one pound of hot Italian sausage, remove skins and brown light and loose. Once browned, do not drain. Pour whatever is in the skillet into the sauce.

P. Simmer this concoction for at least three hours, but the closer to six you are, the better. Sometimes I make the sauce the night before, and let it simmer overnight. I cannot stress enough to use the lowest heat setting on your range that you have, even to bring it up to a simmer. Trying to get it to a simmer too fast will cause the sauce to coagulate, and ruin the texture.

Q. Once it's cooked up and ready, remove from heat and let it cool to room temperature. Put it in the fridge if you have room, but I'd not suggest the freezer.

2. The dough

Note: Here's where I get silly. You can use a simple yeast dough, and it'll work. This dough, however, was compared to manna from heaven. Gee, I'm so humble...

A. Put 1 cup of warm water into a small bowl.
B. Add a dash of salt and about one tablespoon of brown sugar.
C. Add two heaping teaspoons of dry, active yeast (that's about what's in a packet, if that's what you've got). 
D. Stir lightly to soften the yeast. Once it's all dissolved, cover it with a damp cloth and let it get real foamy (it takes about ten minutes).
E. In a big bowl, put ohh... I'd say three or three and a half cups of flour into it.
F. Once your yeast is ready, make a well or a hole in the flour that's in the big bowl. Into this well, add the following:
G. 1/2 cup brown sugar
H. 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
I. 1/4 cup crushed pineapple
J. twenty or so fennel seeds
K. about two tablespoons olive oil
L. 1/2 teaspoon crushed mint
M. 1 teaspoon (I think... I've never measured it, or most of this other stuff for that matter) cilantro
O. 1 teaspoon oregano
P. The yeast that is busily making a head of foam.
Q. Mix this stuff into a gooey mass. I always use my hands for this. It's messy and fun!
R. (I almost forgot what came after the letter Q... Gee, I am tired) Put this sticky mass onto a well-floured counter. Kneed, adding more flour, until the dough is stiff. 
S. Pour olive oil over the dough, and rub it until coated. Place into a large bowl and cover with a cloth. Let it rise for about an hour, then punch it down. After another hour it should be ready.
T. If you made the amount of sauce that I laid out, you'll need five batches of dough to use up your sauce. I prefer to make the dough this way because I don't use a machine, and that much dough is simply hard to handle. If you want to quintuple the recipe, go for it.

3. Meats, cheese and such.

Note: Vegetarian is an Indian word meaning, 'lousy hunter'. You can substitute spinach for meats if you really have to, but don't say I didn't warn ya.

A. Brown two pounds of hot Italian sausage light and tight (skinned).
B. Coarse grate at least a pound of Mozzarella cheese. Be generous; for I am a cheesy kind of guy.
C. Grate fine a wedge of romano and a wedge of parmesian cheese.
D. If you like pepperoni, slice up a big stick of it. Slice thin.
E. Ham (also called Canadian bacon) is cool if you'd like. Slice it thin as well.

4. Let’s put it all together!

Note: You need lots and lots of counter space. If you've got a small kitchen, set up a staging table, You'll need it.

I hope that you made five individual batches of dough. Otherwise, I'll have a hard time with this.

A. Take a batch of dough and cut into eight equal pieces. You can make six or even twelve (tonight I did the twelve thing) but we'll use eight for now 'cause it's easy math.
B. On a floured counter, press and roll dough into a round about 12" in diameter.
C. Put a couple of scoops of sauce into the center (note- this is why you want your sauce room temperature. if it's too hot, it will melt the dough and make assembly almost impossible)
D. Sprinkle some sausage over the sauce.
E. Add some slices of whatever other meat (if any) that you wish to add.
F. Sprinkle a dash of romano and parmesian cheese. Don't go overboard with these two cheeses, or else it will make the calzone taste too sour.
G. Liberally apply mozzarella.
H. Fold dough over the mass in the middle, leaving about a half of an inch to go.
I. Dab the lip of the dough that you just folded over with olive oil. You finger will do fine, no need to brush.
J. Fold the bottom dough over the lip, and press into place with the tines of a fork.
K. Place on a floured pizza stone or floured cookie sheet, if that's what you've got. Use flour, not non-stick spray.
L. Fill up the stone with the little buggers!
M. Fire up the oven to 425 degrees.

5. Cook 'em!

Note: With the sauce simmering and the calzones cooking, you house will smell heavenly. You may find neighbors knocking at your door that you have not yet met. Don't laugh, this has really happened to me.

A. In a small bowl, separate two eggs, and save the yolks. Give the whites to your cat, if you have one.
B. Add two or three tablespoons of water.
C. Mix well.
D. Brush this yolk mixture over the calzones. This will give them a golden brown look.
E. Lightly sprinkle the calzones with mozzarella cheese. I mean, really lightly. It's really just for looks.
F. When the oven is good and pre-heated, bake these little dudes for about 20 minutes, or until golden brown.

6. Eat these things!

Note: You will find yourself unable to stop eating, and could suffer spontaneous combustion. Be wary!

The calzones freeze well, and are ready to eat again after a minute or so in the nuker. It's a good thing, cause it's way too much trouble to go through for a one-night dinner. 

...And so, there's my 'recipe' for calzones. Just be happy that I didn't give you my recipe for Lasagna.

Theognome


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## Augusta (Oct 12, 2008)




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## VirginiaHuguenot (Oct 12, 2008)

What does 'Shaddappi' mean?


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## ReformedWretch (Oct 12, 2008)

I'm assuming she meant "Shut up!" (lol)


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## ReformedWretch (Oct 12, 2008)

Bill, do you have a recipe for Pizza Sauce? Or would this work too? The black olives don't sound too appealing to me....


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## Theognome (Oct 12, 2008)

My pizza sauce is similar, but is a bit thinner and not quite as sweet. Use half the brown sugar, omit the veggies and use twice the olive oil.

Theognome


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## ReformedWretch (Oct 12, 2008)

Cool, thanks a lot!


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## Mushroom (Oct 12, 2008)

Saving this recipe. Sounds great! Thanks, Bill. Welcome To PB. Very much welcome....


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## Augusta (Oct 14, 2008)

Ok I can't stop thinking about these calzones. They sound so totally good. I just have a couple of questions. Do you weigh 300lbs too?  Just kidding. My real questions. 

-Would a crock pot work alright for the slow cooking or does it need to be an open pot. How can you possibly sleep with that aroma going all through the house all night? I guess I could use an open crock pot on high to get the same low temp effect.

-When I buy canned tomato sauce should I get unsalted. I see you add celery salt in your recipe and you use fresh tomatos. Wouldn't it be too salty if I still put celery salt with canned unless I get unsalted?

-What brand of sausage do you usually use or does it matter?

Thanks a bunch.


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## Theognome (Oct 14, 2008)

Augusta said:


> Ok I can't stop thinking about these calzones. They sound so totally good. I just have a couple of questions. Do you weigh 300lbs too?  Just kidding. My real questions.



I lost 10 pounds during my recent colon surgery and recovery, so I weigh in at 135. Momma Pietro weighted slightly more than Orson Wells.



Augusta said:


> -Would a crock pot work alright for the slow cooking or does it need to be an open pot. How can you possibly sleep with that aroma going all through the house all night? I guess I could use an open crock pot on high to get the same low temp effect.



I've tried a crock pot, but I had problems- mostly it being to hot on the slow setting causing the sauce to coagulate, or too cold on the warm setting and thus not blending well. If you have a crock that allows you a finer control of the temperature, you may be okay.



Augusta said:


> -When I buy canned tomato sauce should I get unsalted. I see you add celery salt in your recipe and you use fresh tomatos. Wouldn't it be too salty if I still put celery salt with canned unless I get unsalted?



If you use canned sauce with salt, use celery powder instead- half as much. There's really not a huge amount of salt in the canned sauce, but those sensitive to it (or folks on a low-sodium diet) may prefer to omit the salt.



Augusta said:


> -What brand of sausage do you usually use or does it matter?



Typically, I get my sausage from the butcher as opposed to the pre-packaged stuff. Often, I get hot and mild and use them together. Surprisingly, fresh sausage from the grocery store butcher is about the same price as the 'Pepperidge Farms' (or whatever brand they've got) or even cheaper! 



Augusta said:


> Thanks a bunch.



You're very welcome. Happy cooking!


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## FrielWatcher (Oct 14, 2008)

Awesome. Will have to try someday soon. Thank you brother!


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## Semper Fidelis (Oct 14, 2008)

Augusta said:


> Do you weigh 300lbs too?



Bill already told you his weight but I just want to say that he disgusts me. He eats all he wants and still weighs < 145.

Bill is a natural genius who is self-taught in just about everything.

You should post some of your woodworking creations in another forum Bill.


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## Theognome (Oct 14, 2008)

Semper Fidelis said:


> Augusta said:
> 
> 
> > Do you weigh 300lbs too?
> ...



There's a woodcrafter's section here? Kewl!

I don't have a digital camera beyond what's in my cell phone, so I don't have any good pics of the stuff I've built since I got to KC. I did build quite a few condominiums... well, gutted apartment buildings and converted them, plus I've constructed more stuff around the home. I finished a new sewing table for Pat the day before I had my surgery, which is pretty decent. I'm thinking about the possibility of building some for local sewers and quilters. I know the one I designed and built for Pat would sell for a decent price- one comparable to it went for over five grand plus shipping in one of her catalogs.

Theognome


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## Theognome (Oct 14, 2008)

Semper Fidelis said:


> Bill is a natural genius who is self-taught in just about everything.



Apparently, I need a WHOLE lot more 'self teaching' in Theology. Thankfully, there's a wealth of wisdom and resources here. 

Theognome


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## Augusta (Oct 14, 2008)

Theognome said:


> Augusta said:
> 
> 
> > Ok I can't stop thinking about these calzones. They sound so totally good. I just have a couple of questions. Do you weigh 300lbs too?  Just kidding. My real questions.
> ...



Cool thanks. I have a plug doohickey that I can use to lower the temp on my crock pot so that is solved but do I leave the lid off or on? My costco makes their own sausage. I will try it. 

Hope you are doing well after your surgery.


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## Theognome (Oct 14, 2008)

Augusta said:


> Cool thanks. I have a plug doohickey that I can use to lower the temp on my crock pot so that is solved but do I leave the lid off or on? My costco makes their own sausage. I will try it.
> 
> Hope you are doing well after your surgery.



Leave the lid off until it's simmering, then pop the lid on once it's up to heat. Stir it every half hour or so, or whenever you feel like it.

The surgery was almost a month ago, and so far, I'm doing very well. I went back to work yesterday. 

Theognome


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