# Children & Choices



## BJClark (Sep 26, 2005)

ChristianasJourney,



> While I very much agree with your decision, I am also a "shelterer"--meaning I wouldn't let my children play with others without supervision. And with older children in their teens, I would not let them go off unsupervised unless I trust everybody involved. While good children may have the knowledge and desire to do what's right, they often don't have the strength to resist peer pressure.



A question, when are they going to make their own choices and decisions, When they are adults? That will be too late, unless you are always going to be there telling them who they can and can't hang out with. Whose a good influence and who isn't.

As parents we are to TRAIN our children to make good choices in order to be responsible Christian adults.

It is during the childhood years that we guide them, we let them make choices and when they make bad decisions, and they ALL will, just as we did, we use those times to TEACH them, and we also praise their good decisions.

I have learned that as my children have made some bad decisions those were the most growing times in their lives, just like they are in my own life. If you shelter them to much, they will not be prepared for adulthood and will struggle long term. 

As you learn to let them make their own choices, it strengthens YOUR faith as a parent and allows you to grow in trusting God to teach HIS Creation that are on loan to us as parents. It also prepares our heart to let them go when they eventually leave home because we know we have taken every opportunity to prepare them for that life. 

We're not training children to be children, we're training to them be adults to be able to learn from their mistakes and showing them where to find the answers and learn God's forgiveness and grace when they do make mistakes.

My oldest daughter will be graduating high school next year, and has learned to choose her own friends, and has learned to set healthy boundaries with them. She knows some of her friends drink and others do drugs on weekends and after school, so *she* decided they are friends she hangs out with 'at school' only; when they aren't drinking or doing drugs. 

She had a friend who would take boys home with her after school and they would ask her to come with them, she made the choice NOT to take that path, when they started teasing her she just told them "you know I respect your choice to go home with these boys, I don't like your choice because so many things can happen, I just ask that you respect mine not to do" they couldn't respect her choice so my daughter stopped hanging out with them. 

We can teach our children our values, and guide them easier if we let them make their own choices and trust God to help us. 

Like houseparent, I have known many adults who couldn't make good decisions if their lives depended on it, because their parents didn't allow them to make any of their own. They always seconded guessed themselves, and looked for others to tell them if they were making good choices or not. It not only stunted them as adults, but caused them harm in their marriage choices, many of the women married controlling abusive men, and many of the men married controlling abusive women. The mens careers suffered because they couldn't even make decisions on the job.

Children learn to stand against peer pressure by being faced with it, and knowing their parents stand behind them, and will be there for them even if they mess up. Not that the parents won't allow them to suffer whatever consquences they might face, but will be there with them while they suffer the consquences encouraging them and loving them through it.

You can't shelter them forever, and they need to learn to trust God as well.

[Edited on 9-26-2005 by BJClark]


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## LadyFlynt (Sep 26, 2005)

BJ and Janice, click on my blog link in my signature. My first entry is on Guided and Guarded Exposure vs Tossed to the Wolves.


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## LadyFlynt (Sep 26, 2005)

NM...pasting it here:

Guiding and Guarding vs. Hiding Away
Exposure vs. Tossed to the Wolves

I really believe that people can go overboard in either direction. For some reason we tend to defend our position to the point of backing ourselves into one othe two ditches (I'll tell the ditch story later). There are some families that say they are sending their children out as examples to the world. Are you kidding me?! Children! They don't toss a student nurse into the ward and say, "you care, you're smart, figure it out...come and ask questions if you don't know." Children aren't mature enought to logically debate what is thrown at them. A new idea comes along and they think, "neat!" Children also are not thick-skinned like most adults. Bullying and peer pressure does not encourage this when one is emotionally immature as well. All it does is create anger, insecurity, distrust of those that put them there, and the weakness of having to constantly be pulled upon by the crowd.

On the other hand, you have those few that are giving home educators the bad rap. The ones that say, "we don't participate in ANY activities that involve other people's children...they will corrupt mine." We knew a family like this once. The father felt no obligation to the fatherless in the church. He felt no obligation to others int he covenant community. His children were seen only at service and never at any other time. Even amoung families that guarded and guided their children, his kids were not permitted to develope relationships. His children did not help out in assisting those in need in the church. We loved this family. We had much in common. But you could never get close to them. And their ideals led them to not be able to be under any type of church leasdership or authority other than their own. I don't think this is what Doug Phillips had in mind. In fact, I believe he encourages us to work together as covenanted church families.

I believe the balance and joy can be found in Guided Teaching and Guarded Exposure. Take your children out, join activities and ministries, and be involved with them in it. Teach them to be particular of their chosen peers, yet to also be gracious towards others.


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## BJClark (Sep 26, 2005)

LadyFlynt ,

I agree there is a balance, and it starts when they are young. 

I don't have a problem with parents who home school their children, as I know there are many activities they join and are involved in even outside of the family. 

I'm blessed in that I have a close relationship with my children, they seek my advice often even when it comes to their friends, and they always have.

As I said my daughter is in high school, well, a few years ago she found out one of her friends was being molested by one of her coaches, my daughter and another friend came to me asking how they should handle it, what are our choices and what can we do to help our friend?

I sat down with them and explained their choices.

1. Go to the girls parents directly and let them know whats going on
2. Go to the school and talk to a trusted teacher and let them talk to her
3. I could go talk to the girls mother myself and let her know what was going on
4. The other girl tell her mom, as she knows the other girls mother and let her talk to her
5. I could contact the police and let them investigate it and find out if this girl is only looking for attention, or if this is really whats going on.

I suggested the last option was the best, and what is required by law when something like this is suspected, they went with that option.

This took them out of the mix, blame and realm of responsibility for reporting this and their friend getting mad at them because she was 'so in love with this man' , they liked knowing they had different choices and that one of those choices was that someone else would report it so that their friend wouldn't hate them. They know they made the right choice even though it initially cost them the friendship, the girl got counseling and was able to come back a year later and thank them for caring about her. The man was arrested and is now in jail.

When my daughter was in grade school, It was a battle to get her to do her homework, so I stopped battling with her over it, and let her know if she fails she fails, those are the consequences of her choices. She eventually failed, the teachers wanted her to go to summer school, I refused, said she didn't want to do the work this year she can come back next year and do it, she earned her F's by not doing the work. 

I was a single mom at the time and wasn't going to be taking off from work to make sure she got to summer school on time or home from school, the rest of the family wasn't going to suffer financially because of her bad choices. She made straight A's the next year, all but two years since then she has been A-B honor roll. 

To me, it's about allowing them to fail and make bad choices while I am still here to help guide them, instead of sending them out into the world ill prepared. 

She's had her first job and was fired, because she held to her convictions, she told me what was going on (falsifying documents) and asked me how she should handle it, she followed my advice and reported what was going on, the owner chose to believe the older person who had been there longer and fired my daughter, his choice, and when the state goes in to investigate in the future they could lose their license. 

So yes, I do understand there is a balance, and that balance has to come when they are home in our care.


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