# Spouses with a past



## dog8food

As with anyone else, it's common for Christians to mary other Christians who have some baggage. I'm looking to take the next steps of commitment myself, yet I still have trouble with past relations that I am hoping won't carry through to marriage.

My question is: for those of you married where one spouse had prior relations and one didn't, and it became an issue in your current relationship, how was it resolved? was it fully resolved? do you still strggle mentally? has it affected your family at all?


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## OPC'n

I'm not married, but I'm unsure why it should be a problem. It's not like the other person who's never had a relationship isn't without their own set of baggage which has been forgiven them by Christ.


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## Christopher88

I am getting married next year and while I won't share detail my partner has had some relational issues in her past and I have had my share of other issues. We both are sinners in need of grace. You by your self can't work through it nor should your fear control how the relationship progresses. 

Yes the baggage will come up more then once, the trick is to keep loving your partner and focusing on Jesus being the center of the relationship. Of course this is advice when you are looking at the marriage door. 

Jesus brings healing and having your mate with you along the healing in OPEN COMMUNICATION is all the better. Just be honest, look to Jesus, and love hard even when you want to throw in the towel. 

God speed my friend, and who is the lovely lady? Its always wonderful when "Adam" find his missing Rib. Or as my Fiancee' and I joke, see God's arranged marriage for our life.


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## Amos

"yet I still have trouble with past relations"

Dear Juan, it would be in your best interest to deal fully with these past relations so that they will not continue to give you "trouble".


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## jwithnell

Speak with your pastor about pre-marriage counseling. Issues won't become easier once you are married, only more complex. There are also marriage mentoring programs that try to match a young couple with an older couple, preferably one who has a background similar to yours. I'd suggest this_ in conjunction with_ solid pastoral counseling.


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## Marrow Man

When Sinners Say "I Do": Dave Harvey: Amazon.com: Kindle Store


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## newcreature

In my humble opinion, the biggest and most important thing in marriage is forgiveness. You will have to forgive each other daily for your trespasses, for baggage that you may disagree with, for sins they carried before you even knew each other, for leaving the cap off the toothpaste, etc. If you are having some issues, make sure they are discussed, because as JWithnell stated above, they will only become more complex after marriage. Marriage requires a level of commitment to live out those vows, for better or worse, for as long as you both shall live. 

I am currently in a broken marriage. My partner did not choose to keep his commitment to God or to our family. I believe if we both could forgive each other daily, then love can grow stronger. But even on those days when love does not seem strong, remember that even Jesus wept in the garden. There will be times when you may wonder about each other's past. Be open and honest. And then forgive. And right along with forgiveness of course is daily repentance, don't ever go to bed angry at each other.


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## Randy in Tulsa

Imagine how Hosea felt. Amazes me every time I read the book, especially when I remember I'm the "wife" in the story. 

A couple of years ago, it was our custom on the Lord's Day for me to read a sermon (usually by Scott Willet, OPC pastor in Atlanta) and have the others in the family read the Bible verses referenced in the sermon. On one particular Lord's Day, I asked my teenage daughter to read the sermon and my son to read the verses. My wife and I listened to our children. The sermon text was from Hosea. At the conclusion of the sermon, my daughter said, "That was amazing. I didn't know the Old Testament was so relevant."

My only advice is that, as with all other issues in life, diligently pursue the ordinary means of grace: the word, prayer and the sacraments. As our pastor, Jim Stevenson, reminded us last night at prayer meeting, "Our God is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us," which includes giving us the wisdom we need for all of life's decisions.


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## PuritanCovenanter

I agree with Randy from Tulsa. 

Also, when we learn to love our Enemies our marriages will work more to the Glory of the Lord and our mutual love will be undeniable. After all, If we are commanded to love our enemies we should be able to love our Spouses as Christ loved the Church. That goes both ways from male to female and female to male.


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## PuritanCovenanter

OPC'n said:


> I'm not married, but I'm unsure why it should be a problem. It's not like the other person who's never had a relationship isn't without their own set of baggage which has been forgiven them by Christ.



There are different kinds of baggage and they effect situations and relationships differently. They cause affections to flow differently. It can matter. I am not sure it is something that can be dealt with adequately until it arises. It is kind of like John Owen's illustration of the heart. It is like an ever ending castle full of an unlimited amount of rooms. You never know what lurks behind the door you haven't opened before. And it usually aint pretty. But when you open a new door it is always good to be shod with the preparation of the whole Gospel and all of its armour.

At the same time me giving martial advice might be like the Pope giving it. I cracked up the first time I heard that. Experience might matter.


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## Miss Marple

Everyone has a past, do they not?

So do keep things in perspective.

However, speaking from a female perspective, I would not want to marry a man who considered me in some way dirty or tainted. So if you can't get past it, I wouldn't marry. She needs to be treasured by you, not looked down upon.


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## PuritanCovenanter

And speaking from a male perspective I wouldn't want to marry a woman who didn't cherish and love me despite me. How did God love us? Romans 5:8 is precious. But God commendeth His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.


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## OPC'n

Miss Marple said:


> Everyone has a past, do they not?
> 
> So do keep things in perspective.
> 
> However, speaking from a female perspective, I would not want to marry a man who considered me in some way dirty or tainted. So if you can't get past it, I wouldn't marry. She needs to be treasured by you, not looked down upon.



I took what he said the opposite from you. That the woman he's involved with is having trouble with his past relationships. Funny how ppl read things differently


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## dog8food

OPC'n said:


> Miss Marple said:
> 
> 
> 
> Everyone has a past, do they not?
> 
> So do keep things in perspective.
> 
> However, speaking from a female perspective, I would not want to marry a man who considered me in some way dirty or tainted. So if you can't get past it, I wouldn't marry. She needs to be treasured by you, not looked down upon.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I took what he said the opposite from you. That the woman he's involved with is having trouble with his past relationships. Funny how ppl read things differently
Click to expand...


That was done intentionally so that I can get a perspective from both sides. I appreciate everyones suggestions but what I am really looking for is those who have experienced this first hand


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## Edward

dog8food said:


> and it became an issue in your current relationship


Unless it is something that will impact the marriage (an incurable social disease, for example), if it is something that the 'innocent' party can't deal with, or will keep throwing in the other's face ever time there is an argument, go ahead and move on now.


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## Pergamum

Just really bluntly, pasts do matter. 

And, no, everyone does not have a past, in the way the OP was intended. 

Most folks want to marry a virgin, for example. And it does make a difference if a girl or guy has lived with multiple people prior to marriage or has had a past abortion or pregnancy, or STD, etc.

Sanctification is a slow process. When stress or troubles strike, many people revert to old patterns of behavior. Even after many years, old sins or old sinful patterns of relating impact present relationships. Since personalities change slowly, looking at a potential spouse's past relational habits is vital to determining possible future relational trends.

Forgiveness can cover a lot, but in a world where marriages already suffer many challenges, a marriage choice without such baggage is preferable to one with much baggage.

It is better to be very cautious about your choice of a spouse. It is better not to marry than to go into a relationship with reservations. If a potential spouse has had a lot of baggage in their past, I would highly recommend very extensive pre-marriage counseling to make sure the factors which led to such baggage has been overcome. Those things in the past happened for a reason and your potential partner (unless the past baggage was rape or sexual abuse as a child) committed those past acts voluntarily. 

Believing truly in Christ makes us new creations. Praise God that not all of our past sins presently matter and thank God that not all past actions need to continually haunt us. But some past actions do, indeed, continue to haunt us for many years. In a world of potential mates, all of these factors matter.

You are free to throw your tomatoes now (but keep in mind the very high U.S. divorce rates as you do so)...


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## SolaScriptura

Pergamum said:


> Just really bluntly, pasts do matter.
> 
> And, no, everyone does not have a past, in the way the OP was intended.
> 
> Most folks want to marry a virgin, for example. And it does make a difference if a girl or guy has lived with multiple people prior to marriage or has had a past abortion or pregnancy, or STD, etc.
> 
> Sanctification is a slow process. When stress or troubles strike, many people revert to old patterns of behavior. Even after many years, old sins or old sinful patterns of relating impact present relationships. Since personalities change slowly, looking at a potential spouse's past relational habits is vital to determining possible future relational trends.
> 
> Forgiveness can cover a lot, but in a world where marriages already suffer many challenges, a marriage choice without such baggage is preferable to one with much baggage.
> 
> It is better to be very cautious about your choice of a spouse. It is better not to marry than to go into a relationship with reservations. If a potential spouse has had a lot of baggage in their past, I would highly recommend very extensive pre-marriage counseling to make sure the factors which led to such baggage has been overcome. Those things in the past happened for a reason and your potential partner (unless the past baggage was rape or sexual abuse as a child) committed those past acts voluntarily.
> 
> Believing truly in Christ makes us new creations. Praise God that not all of our past sins presently matter and thank God that not all past actions need to continually haunt us. But some past actions do, indeed, continue to haunt us for many years. In a world of potential mates, all of these factors matter.
> 
> You are free to throw your tomatoes now (but keep in mind the very high U.S. divorce rates as you do so)...



Preach it, brother!


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## calgal

It almost sounds like you are saying the folks who have certain types of sin (and there are MANY in the church) are not good enough or forgiven enough or that God is incapable of changing their hearts. That sadly is the impression your interesting post gives Pergy.


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## earl40

calgal said:


> It almost sounds like you are saying the folks who have certain types of sin (and there are MANY in the church) are not good enough or forgiven enough or that God is incapable of changing their hearts. That sadly is the impression your interesting post gives Pergy.



God is capable to change the heart. The fact is that even though all Christians have had the heart changed they can still have a past that can be troublesome to certain relationships.


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## Tim

calgal said:


> It almost sounds like you are saying the folks who have certain types of sin (and there are MANY in the church) are not good enough or forgiven enough or that God is incapable of changing their hearts. That sadly is the impression your interesting post gives Pergy.



I didn't read his post to describe the relationship of the sinner with God, but rather that there are past sins and events that necessarily have worldly consequences that affect relationships.


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## Caroline

Well, frankly, I don't think anyone in their right mind goes into a marriage without reservations. If they do, somebody should have a serious talk with them, because they are way too starry-eyed about it. I don't mean that everyone should jump into marriage without pausing to consider, but I do mean that nobody is ever going to find a perfect person who never gives them reason to say, "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life this way?" So I think it is a balance. On the one hand, don't marry if you have serious qualms about it, but also, don't keep waiting for that perfect person to come along who is always right for you all the time.

As far as previous relations goes, I think it is mostly a question of circumstances. There are a number of people who made mistakes and other Christians need to let it go and move on. On the other hand, if someone has shown themselves to have poor impulse control and no real desire to change... well, that's a real concern. I once knew a young woman who married a guy who had been married twice and divorced for adultery both times, and had another child with a woman he had not married. She said she had forgiven him and it was in his past. It was no surprise to any of us when he cheated on her as well.

But as to whether even things long in the past will come up in a marriage... of course. Along with a number of other things. In my marriage, there was baggage, but the most-argued-ever point is actually a certain bag of leaves that sat too long before being taken to the curb, so that it got damp in the rain and the bottom fell out. That bag of leaves was the topic of periodic arguments for at least five years. So if it's not one thing, it's another, because humans will find things to argue about.

I can't really say what the secret to a happy marriage is. For me and my husband, it just seems that we are too lazy to be mad at each other. After a day or so, it is exhausting, and no matter how upset we are over that bag of leaves (or whatever), it doesn't seem worth the hassle of slamming doors and glaring for very long. I always want to say to couples who say they have been angry for months, "Seriously, how do you do it? I don't have that kind of time and energy." So maybe that's what the secret is... staying busy enough that the bag of leaves or what happened with some other relationship ten years ago eventually just doesn't seem so important anymore, because, well, we've got stuff to do.


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## NB3K

I know this is off point, but I am so greatful that Christ took all my baggage on Himself to the cross.


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## Zach

NB3K said:


> I know this is off point, but I am so greatful that Christ took all my baggage on Himself to the cross.



Hallelujah and Amen, brother!


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## earl40

NB3K said:


> I know this is off point, but I am so greatful that Christ took all my baggage on Himself to the cross.



So true. I also am happy my wife puts up with my baggage now also.


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## Edward

Caroline said:


> Well, frankly, I don't think anyone in their right mind goes into a marriage without reservations. If they do, somebody should have a serious talk with them, because they are way too starry-eyed about it.



Don't want to recopy your whole post, but definitely the best post on the thread.


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## dog8food

Thank you all very much


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## Tirian

Hi mate. Anyone with concerns about the past would be acting in a juvenile manner. If my wife had slept with 100 guys before I met her (she hasn't btw!!!!) - what is the problem? If God caused me to be united to her in marriage then how could I be so childish to reject her because she knew other men before me? What matters is this point forward - is she going to sleep with other men? Are you going to sleep with other women? Of course not! I presume you have told your friend about your past? If you haven't then you must. Then move on.

Matt


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## BarryR

Matthew Glover said:


> Hi mate. Anyone with concerns about the past would be acting in a juvenile manner. If my wife had slept with 100 guys before I met her (she hasn't btw!!!!) - what is the problem? If God caused me to be united to her in marriage then how could I be so childish to reject her because she knew other men before me? What matters is this point forward - is she going to sleep with other men? Are you going to sleep with other women? Of course not! I presume you have told your friend about your past? If you haven't then you must. Then move on.
> 
> Matt



Hi Matt - 

I understand the point you are trying to make, and I think it is a good one - all people have sinful pasts and we should love as Christ has loved us knowing we are all connected to the same vine. With that said, it does not mean that if one were to enter into a courtship process and found that the woman or man had "known" a 100 partners would not be "wrong" to call off the courtship. There can be deeper issues that the person hasn't dealt with yet - there are a whole host of things to consider if someone lived this sort of lifestyle before the courtship began. I would never make a young man or woman feel "inferior" or "juvenile" for passing on marrying someone that had that lifestyle beforehand. On the other side of the coin, I would chastise them if they were to treat the other party in an inferior manner - they do belong to Christ and our love, support and service should be there for them no matter what becomes of the courtship. 

Perhaps a similar illustration would clarify things and I think you would agree with. Would you allow your child to be picked up from "fill in the blank" by a man that had admitted to you he had molested over 100 children in his past, but was now a Christian? You would be no less Christian for not allowing this and as a matter of fact I think it would be the wise move for both your child and that man. 

With all that said, if a young man was ready, after all his due diligence during the courtship process, to deal with the baggage that 100 partners brings and the scaring that must be upon this girl emotionally (that sort of activity opens up a whole host of other deeper issues that would need to be looked at; was the father abusive or absent from her life, is she looking for someone to replace her father or fill needs no young man would be able to fill) If, after all of that, they are prepared to love this girl and support her and carry her along as she struggles with the effects of her past - I think that would be a wonderful testimony to what Christs love has done in his life and the sanctification and refining of his character that Christ as brought about in his life to make that sort of commitment. I also think it would be a wonderful testimony to pass as well - that Christ has given the man wisdom as to what he would be ready for. It's no different then a man not having any means of providing for a family and therefore had to pass on entering into any courtships at all until he was able to do so. That is wisdom. 

Sadly most men and women never really look at things this deeply - they see a "pretty" person that loves Jesus and that seals the deal for them, never fully realizing what sort of commitment and effort it will take to make this marriage successful. Most of the young men I have seen today are no where close to being able to give the sort of love and effort that a girl like this would need and deserve.


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## dog8food

I guess everything is hard in life. I just wish I had a clearer way of knowing which relationship God would want me in. It just seems like its so subjective. I love this girl very much and I could easily marry her tomorrow...or I could easily break things off with her. I dont want to be with anyone else...yet I just cant forget certain negative things. I wish it didnt feel like it all comes down to my own decision because I perceive things much differently than the average person.


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## gordo

dog8food said:


> yet I just cant forget certain negative things.



Consider that God 'forgets' ALL negative things about you, both in past, present and future.


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## Mushroom

dog8food said:


> I love this girl very much and I could easily marry her tomorrow...or I could easily break things off with her.


Seems rather non-committal. 


dog8food said:


> I dont want to be with anyone else...yet I just cant forget certain negative things.


Then you're in a real pickle. 

You say you could marry and don't want to be with anyone else, but you don't mention love. Love really does cover a multitude of sins. Fixating on things of the past, from my own experience (done it myself), is generally more about you and your own insecurities than anything else if she is now a Christian and repentant of her past. If she is, then she is my sister, and unless you can get over yourself about her past, I'd ask you to leave her alone. I wouldn't want a sister of mine to have to endure being hounded about pre-regenerate behavior every time you had a bout of the poor-me's. Man up and leave it all in the past and marry her, or man up and realize you can't handle it and move on, but no matter what, brother, man up.


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## lynnie

This might not be the norm, but when we had problems and got counseling, it was childhood that brought the most baggage, not former romance. Bad parents seemed to create more damage.


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## BarryR

Brad said:


> Seems rather non-committal.



I want to echo Brad's thoughts. Juan, I am not sure how your relationship is being managed with this girl - if it's a modern dating scheme, I would caution about throwing yourself into this unprepared. Brad makes a very good point in that as a man you must be ready to love her as she needs to be loved. You must be ready to protect and provide for her spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I also agree with Brad's last line, but would like to add that it is "ok" to realize you aren't ready. That is a very wise thing to do and I am sure I speak for most of us here when I say you would not be looked down upon because you "backed away" to better prepare yourself for your future wife. If you don't know what I mean by "preparing" yourself PM me and I'll link you to some material I have found helpful. 

I hope this helps brother.


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## Zach

Juan, in the past you have posted a lot about decisions you have to make and have asked for advice and I am not sure how often you have taken the advice given to you. You say in your post above that wish you didn't have to make the decision and a lot of the questions you have asked in the past have been about help making major decisions. Brother, life is about decision making and if you feel unable to make decisions then you aren't ready to be the leader of your marriage to this young lady. Brad's advice is spot on.


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## SolaScriptura

Few things are as unfortunate in these cases as ignorance and naiveté wrapped up and packaged in a box of pious language.

Pergamum's advice is the only advice that has been given on this thread that is realistic and makes sense of indwelling sin, even in a regenerate person.


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## Caroline

Well, I think all of us on this thread are ignorant... it is hard to give relationship advice at all, much less advice about someone we don't know. It's really hard to predict relationships, even if you know the people pretty well, In my humble opinion. I knew one guy who had a VERY mixed up past with all sorts of women before he became a Christian, got married at age 23, broke and with no college degree to a volatile young woman. It was also an inter-racial relationship (which I am not against, but statistically does make divorce more likely). And twenty years later, they are still poor as church mice, but still married and doing well in their relationship, as far as I can tell. 

There have been two divorces that has occurred in my circle of friends in the past ten years. Both were relationships that everyone would have predicted to succeed. In one case, both husband and wife were raised in Christian homes, both virgins when they married (normally I don't ask, but in this case, I knew one of them very well), and they had known each other since they were in first grade. The other was a couple that had been married for twenty years and the husband was a minister. I don't know what their past was, but if there was one, it would have appeared to be very much behind them.

One thing that is frightening about marriage is that there is an element of unpredictability. You may THINK you are marrying the right person, but there really is no way to KNOW, because you can't see anyone else's heart. And people can give you all kinds of advice, and there still is no way to know for sure. Furthermore, if the relationship does start to fail, there is not always much you can do. In both divorces mentioned above, one spouse tried desperately to save the marriage, and there was no saving it, because the other spouse just wanted out. 

I've actually seen virginity work both ways in a relationship. Sometimes it becomes an issue when someone who wasn't a virgin at the beginning reverts to previous patterns of loose behavior. But I have also seen a marriage implode between people who WERE virgins because the wife, upon experiencing marital relations, found the experience "gross" and decided she didn't want to do that anymore. Extensive counseling could not change her mind in the slightest, and after three years of sleeping in separate bedrooms, she eventually moved back in with her parents. I suppose you could say that she also reverted to a previous pattern of behavior.

Of course, I'm not advocating fornication AT ALL, but just saying that there's no one-size-fits-all answer to these kind of things--it's not like virginity assures no marital problems. The OP could marry the girl, and they might live happily ever after, and twenty years from now, he might say, "What was I so scared of?" or he might marry the girl, and three years from now, it's a disaster, and he says, "Why didn't I listen to my instincts?" None of us know him well enough to say. And even he doesn't know his girlfriend well enough to know for sure, because knowing for sure is impossible.

Love is dangerous. But the other option is loneliness. So at some point, we roll the dice and take our chances.


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## Mushroom

SolaScriptura said:


> Few things are as unfortunate in these cases as ignorance and naiveté wrapped up and packaged in a box of pious language.
> 
> Pergamum's advice is the only advice that has been given on this thread that is realistic and makes sense of indwelling sin, even in a regenerate person.


Ben, The last thing I want to do is give advice. You are far more qualified to do that. My intent was only to make some observations and ask Juan to treat our sister rightly. There was probably some advice wrapped up in it that maybe shouldn't have been, and I'll gladly retract that. I have just seen too much hand-wringing panty-waist uncertainty in the way young CHRISTIAN men treat young CHRISTIAN women, and I have no patience for it. I truly admire the tender way our brother Barry has addressed Juan's dilemma (you sound like the kind of guy I'd want to get to be good friends with, Barry), and I agree there is no shame in backing out, but I also have a 'fish or cut bait' attitude about this sort of thing. While Juan is concerned about his own future and where it will lead him, my thought is that there is a young Christian lady in the mix here who deserves some consideration.


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## Tirian

BarryR said:


> Matthew Glover said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hi mate. Anyone with concerns about the past would be acting in a juvenile manner. If my wife had slept with 100 guys before I met her (she hasn't btw!!!!) - what is the problem? If God caused me to be united to her in marriage then how could I be so childish to reject her because she knew other men before me? What matters is this point forward - is she going to sleep with other men? Are you going to sleep with other women? Of course not! I presume you have told your friend about your past? If you haven't then you must. Then move on.
> 
> Matt
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [snip]
> 
> Perhaps a similar illustration would clarify things and I think you would agree with. Would you allow your child to be picked up from "fill in the blank" by a man that had admitted to you he had molested over 100 children in his past, but was now a Christian? You would be no less Christian for not allowing this and as a matter of fact I think it would be the wise move for both your child and that man.
Click to expand...


I guess what I would say is that is not a valid comparison. A man who is truly converted may never commit such an horrendous offence against children again. But here in Australia we have a sex offenders register for a reason. Your analogy is more like asking a converted alcoholic friend to go to the local liquor store and pick up a six-pack of beer and a bottle of whiskey. Putting a child into a car by themselves with a repentant pedophile is like asking the repentant alcoholic to hold your beer for you. Don't put stumbling blocks in front of the weaker brother. I just can't draw the conclusion you make.

Life for a couple starts when they meet. God heals wounds, and as for the chaste partner having to forgive the other that is nonsense. The promiscuous one was forgiven by Christ and has not sinned against the other. I agree the chaste partner needs to be told about the history but were I in that position of hearing that history told to me, I would embrace her with unconditional love and look at her the same way Christ looked at Peter after Peter denied him three times - a look that caused Peter to weep bitterly. Perhaps the look said "I love you and there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you" I would never raise it with her again because unbelievably, my sins have also been forgiven and forgotten, as far as the east is for the west.

Frankly I am astonished and saddened by a lot of the advice that has been give here. The marriage bed has not been defiled. The sins have been forgiven. If Christ calls two people together and in pre-marriage all of this has been openly and honestly discussed preferably in the presence of a compassionate elder - then let no man try to dissuade them or put them asunder if the past activity is no stumbling block to the other.

To the OP author, God bless you brother. Be open and honest and if the work of mercy in your hearts makes this past activity meaningless then rejoice!

Matt


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## BarryR

Matthew Glover said:


> I just can't draw the conclusion you make



Matt - I apologize for the misunderstanding, perhaps I could have picked a better analogy but I still think the point holds (although there are other points as you have noted). That point is there is nothing wrong about a Christian making prudent choices based on other Christians past choices. It _appears _you almost take issue with Juan because he is concerned about her history. He has every right to be concerned about past sins before entering into a covenant with this young lady - just as much as she should over Juan's.

I think Juan has been given enough "advice" here and I hope he seeks the counsel of those men that God has put in his life that know him and the situation way better then what we do.


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## Tim

Are you both communicant members and receiving the oversight of elders at faithful churches?


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