# Should single men and women spend their time differently?



## Tim

A men's forum discussion led me to ask this question:

Should single Christian adult men and women spend their time differently? If so, why and how? If not, why?

Let us assume that we are discussing persons who have no children, and would like to be married someday. Should the activities that take up their time each day and week be different while they remain single?


----------



## jogri17

Best to put us together so those numbers will dwindle down in my opinion .


----------



## Tim

Good comment! 

So, you see a place for single men and women to work along side each other. They can cooperate in worthwhile endeavors and get to know one another at the same time.


----------



## Peairtach

Well their time won't be spent regarding the concerns of their spouses or children, anyway, because they don't have any.

Do you mean that their concerns can be more devoted to "spiritual" things?



> I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.(I Cor 7:32-34, ESV)


----------



## elnwood

Tim said:


> Let us assume that we are discussing persons who have no children, and would like to be married someday. Should the activities that take up their time each day and week be different while they remain single?



Really, the activities one does and how one ought to spend one's time greatly varies depending on each person's gifts, callings and situation, including marital status and whether they have children. Almost any blanket statement, such as "single married people ought to be doing <blank>", is too simplistic.


----------



## TexanRose

You ask, should single Christian men and women spend their time differently? 

My question is, differently from...what?


----------



## TimV

In the sphere of the Church, a male deacon may well wait on tables while in the sphere of the State a woman may well run a University.


----------



## Tim

elnwood said:


> Tim said:
> 
> 
> 
> Let us assume that we are discussing persons who have no children, and would like to be married someday. Should the activities that take up their time each day and week be different while they remain single?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Really, the activities one does and how one ought to spend one's time greatly varies depending on each person's gifts, callings and situation, including marital status and whether they have children. Almost any blanket statement, such as "single married people ought to be doing <blank>", is too simplistic.
Click to expand...


Don, what I am trying to explore are appropriate roles for single Christian men and women before they are married. I am not looking for a blanket statement. You are welcome to provide guiding principles that are not simplistic. 



TexanRose said:


> You ask, should single Christian men and women spend their time differently?
> 
> My question is, differently from...what?



From each other!  That is, what are biblical principles for the role of single men vs. women? We can't use the descriptions for married men and women because these hypothetical persons are not married. However, do the eventual husband and wife roles of these hypothetical persons impact their roles while they are still single?


----------



## jogri17

Tim said:


> So, you see a place for single men and women to work along side each other. They can cooperate in worthwhile endeavors and get to know one another at the same time.


Yes. 


Our church tries to do a weekly bible study where men will take turns leading (headship prep) and the youth together do 2 times a month get together (1 fun social and 1 service project). It works well.


----------



## Tim

Joshua said:


> _Should_ or _may_?



I can't decide.



jogri17 said:


> Tim said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, you see a place for single men and women to work along side each other. They can cooperate in worthwhile endeavors and get to know one another at the same time.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes.
> 
> 
> Our church tries to do a weekly bible study where men will take turns leading (headship prep) and the youth together do 2 times a month get together (1 fun social and 1 service project). It works well.
Click to expand...


Sounds good.


----------



## jogri17

I do think in the 21st century given the high divorce rates that both men and women ought to pursue higher education if possible (in the leas expensive way without going into debt) or a trade and save up money... While supporting a family is primary the role of the man, work is apart of the creation mandate demands that a girl work to support her lifestyle (whether at home or with other girlfriends in an apartment). I don't think it has to be babysitting or making family meals. It is not uncommon for a husband to ditch his wife with kids and leave her with no trade and that happens in the Church sadly.


----------



## Tim

I don't like your reasoning at all. So, if a girl gets engaged, she should tell her fiance, "I'm developing my career right now in case we get divorced"?

---------- Post added at 08:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:02 PM ----------

You don't prepare for divorce, you prepare for marriage.


----------



## satz

A woman certainly shouldn't be developing a career in case of divorce, but earning income is part of the role of a wife/woman, as is clearly stated in Proverbs 31. Even if a husband desires his wife to be a full time homemaker (or a woman desires to be full time homemaker), there is absolutely nothing "anti-family" about a woman getting a skill and working a job before marriage. 

In fact a godly woman should be working to build up as much saving as possible to take into the marriage (as one of the many things her life will be focused on). As i mentioned in the other thread, I do believe that a few years in the workforce is good training in responsibility, problem solving and dealing with the stresses of an unpredictable life (1 Cor 7:34) even for a future fulltime homemaker.

Off course, the accumulation of debt is another issue altogether..

---------- Post added at 01:52 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:47 AM ----------

Just a random thought, maybe a single family-focused christian woman should be working more at a "job" (i.e. something to pay the bills each month and build up some savings) while a man should focus more on a "career", in terms of aimming for future earning potential, job satisfaction, and taking on debt to obtain education as an investment because it will pay off over the many future years you have to work.


----------



## Tim

Okay, so you are suggesting that skills gained before marriage (even if applied to a non-family end in the workplace) can be useful within marriage as part of the family economy. 

Do any women care to comment on specific instances where their marriage/families benefited from skills gained "on the job"? Are there certain jobs that are particularly good for this sort of thing? Would any women care to reflect on things they did that, upon reflection with hindsight, were probably a waste of time?

---------- Post added at 08:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:53 PM ----------

Do any of you wish to comment on skills or experiences you wish your husband had acquired prior to marriage?


----------



## satz

Ideally the skills themselves would be useful, but I think just the experience of working is good in helping young women (and men) to grow up and take responsibility. Something, which I do not think naturally happens at home in our modern nuclear, urban families.


----------



## jogri17

Tim said:


> I don't like your reasoning at all. So, if a girl gets engaged, she should tell her fiance, "I'm developing my career right now in case we get divorced"?
> 
> ---------- Post added at 08:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:02 PM ----------
> 
> You don't prepare for divorce, you prepare for marriage.


I am the child of two divorces, my dad is in a loveless marriage, my uncle was also, I've seen 4 cases of young women in the church who got married get pregnant and because they went to an unaccreditated college or did a bible major/classics/piano, etc... major and their husbands left them and they were left with nothing but debt and kids. You may not like it but it is a reality in the world.

---------- Post added at 09:09 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:07 PM ----------




Tim said:


> Okay, so you are suggesting that skills gained before marriage (even if applied to a non-family end in the workplace) can be useful within marriage as part of the family economy.


 Ideally no, ideally the women's responsibility is head of the house while the male is head of the family and provides the income (not that he doesn't have household responsibilities of course).

---------- Post added at 09:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:09 PM ----------




satz said:


> A woman certainly shouldn't be developing a career in case of divorce



A career no, but basic skills yes. Maybe math classes that could work as an accountant and in case something happened she could support her family and hopefully that could never end, but it is also very practical within marriage.


----------



## Tim

Brother, I understand the reality of things. I am just as grieved about sin in the world as you are. You have my complete sympathy regarding these hardships that you have experienced and that you have seen in others.

However, what you are describing seems to be a non-Christian way of dealing with these issues. Faithful Christians should aim to ensure that they marry someone who values the marriage covenant as much as they do. I believe this lessens the possibility of divorce, abandonment, and the like. No, it doesn't eliminate it all together, but seeking someone who submits to the bible will go a long way to preventing these circumstances because the bible itself speaks against such things. 

The bible also gives us a way that the church ought to provide for widows, single mothers, orphans, etc. Thus, the Christian way of addressing these problems should not be exchanged for an overemphasis on a woman providing for herself. These women you mention are not without because they failed to prepare themselves. They are without because a man sinned greatly against them. While it is good for all people to be responsible and capable, I believe you are overemphasizing that a woman strive to become as independent and self-sufficient as possible. I don't believe the bible would have this emphasis.


----------



## jogri17

Tim said:


> Faithful Christians should aim to ensure that they marry someone who values the marriage covenant as much as they do. I believe this lessens the possibility of divorce, abandonment, and the like. No, it doesn't eliminate it all together, but seeking someone who submits to the bible will go a long way to preventing these circumstances because the bible itself speaks against such things.
> 
> The bible also gives us a way that the church ought to provide for widows, single mothers, orphans, etc. Thus, the Christian way of addressing these problems should not be exchanged for an overemphasis on a woman providing for herself. These women you mention are not without because they failed to prepare themselves. They are without because a man sinned greatly against them. While it is good for all people to be responsible and capable, I believe you are overemphasizing that a woman strive to become as independent and self-sufficient as possible. I don't believe the bible would have this emphasis.



I understand where are you are coming from. I really do, but as I grow older and have seen families break up with in Conservative Reformed Churches, I see no reason to be pragmatic about it when no violation of scripture is required. 

I do not believe that divorce is ever wanted or foreseen. If it was the case than nobody would get married, but Christians backslide into horrible sin. It sucks. But it is a reality. I'm sure when my friend got married at first he would have rather killed himself than cheat on his wife, but after a couple of years life happens, and people change and he abbanonded his family, faith, and friends. She got married to him at 18 after high school and they did the whole courtship thing à la Wilson/ Voddie (that guy I forgot his whole name), and luckily she got a minimum wage job from a family in her church. She said if she could it over, she would have gotten an BA and waited to get married. Realizing that it is not 1800 is not a compromise of biblical convictions, rather it is simply trying to be faithful individuals, families, and churches, in a world radically different than the world our grandparents and their ancestors knew.


----------



## Tim

I am not quite sure that I completely get your reasoning , but I think you are saying that women should be more independent these days (and perhaps marry later in life) because of the greater divorce rate. Am I reading you correctly?


----------



## jogri17

Tim said:


> I am not quite sure that I completely get your reasoning , but I think you are saying that women should be more independent these days (and perhaps marry later in life) because of the greater divorce rate. Am I reading you correctly?


 I am saying that it is legitimate and could be considered wise ( it is in my opinion) and ought to be encouraged to promote courtship during university and hopefully marriage soon after.


----------



## Scottish Lass

Tim said:


> Okay, so you are suggesting that skills gained before marriage (even if applied to a non-family end in the workplace) can be useful within marriage as part of the family economy.
> 
> Do any women care to comment on specific instances where their marriage/families benefited from skills gained "on the job"? Are there certain jobs that are particularly good for this sort of thing? Would any women care to reflect on things they did that, upon reflection with hindsight, were probably a waste of time?
> 
> ---------- Post added at 08:54 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:53 PM ----------
> 
> Do any of you wish to comment on skills or experiences you wish your husband had acquired prior to marriage?



My English degree will come in handy when homeschooling Grace, though a degree certainly isn't required for that. I also proofread text for Tim and other Reformed folk.


----------



## jogri17

Scottish Lass said:


> My English degree will come in handy when homeschooling Grace, though a degree certainly isn't required for that. I also proofread text for Tim and other Reformed folk.


Exactly. That is all I am saying. It is useful, and in case of an horrible event it is there as a backup, plus education is always useful.


----------



## Pergamum

I think single guys ought to play with GI Joe and single girls ought to play with Cabbage Patch Dolls.


----------



## rookie

I am of the personal opinion, that women, should first and foremost learn submission to her parents (respect and all that takes place in Ephesians 5) toward her parents before she meets a potential husband. If she cannot obey and respect her parents (providing they are not breaking the law) she won't do any of them with her husband. And a college or university degree can absolutely be persued before marriage. I don't think women have to stay with mom and dad and cook all the meals till she meets someone. Help around the house, absolutely. The idle single person has great potential to sin. And if something happens that her husband loses his job for whatever reason, she may pick up her career again until he is able to support again.

For the men, they should learn first and foremost to be obedient to the word of God, and not weaver left or right (but remain in humility and grace, and not become either legalistic or shovenistic, which I am struggling with immensely).
He should also be working on activities that will give him either experience and knowledge in supporting his future family. (Gameboy, Xbox, Facebook are not those activities). 

And he should also be studying the word, so that when he does get married, he will not rule the house with an iron fist, but with grace and love. Most men these days (I can only speak about in my local town) are not prepared for marriage (at least not the secular world) as they are more interested in going to malls with their pants down to their knees to see who they can pick up.

But when it comes to a young couple that don't have kids, I see nothing in scripture that stops the woman from working if it is a mutual consent, or they have debt that demands both work till debts are eliminated.

I really hope I didn't go to hard, or that I made sense.


----------



## Tim

What are some practical ways single women can demonstrate submission to their parents if they happen to not live with them (perhaps in a different town and church)?

---------- Post added at 11:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:08 AM ----------




rookie said:


> He should also be working on activities that will give him either experience and knowledge in supporting his future family. (Gameboy, Xbox, Facebook are not those activities).



Apart from developing his career skills so that he is financially fruitful, how can a young man gain experience in supporting his future family (as husbands/fathers are more than just money-earners)? I am using "support" in the broadest sense.


----------



## rookie

Tim said:


> What are some practical ways single women can demonstrate submission to their parents if they happen to not live with them (perhaps in a different town and church)?
> 
> Submission to the elders and older women in her church. If she didn't like or listen to direction under her parents rule, it will usually carry over in the church as well.
> 
> ---------- Post added at 11:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:08 AM ----------
> 
> 
> 
> 
> rookie said:
> 
> 
> 
> He should also be working on activities that will give him either experience and knowledge in supporting his future family. (Gameboy, Xbox, Facebook are not those activities).
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Apart from developing his career skills so that he is financially fruitful, how can a young man gain experience in supporting his future family (as husbands/fathers are more than just money-earners)? I am using "support" in the broadest sense.
Click to expand...


Working on his patience with others in the church, brothers and sisters at home. And spend lots of time with current husbands and fathers that have experience in that department. And always being ready to lend himself when someone is in need. If someone is in need, and he has the time or means and would rather do whatever pleases himself instead (once or twice shouldn't be an issue, but if a single brother never wants to help anyone out and is always out to build his own agenda, that is what I am talking about) he has either much to learn, or is not ready to sacrifice himself for a wife.

---------- Post added at 12:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:18 PM ----------

My last post created a gab between your 2 quotes, highlight between them and you will see what I posted about women...in the dark gray...


----------



## a mere housewife

Tim, it is not just divorce rates -- I think a man ought to wish to help his wife provide against a time when he may not (for whatever reason) be able to care for her. Lloyd-Jones points this out in his commentary on Ephesians. The church is often carrying a heavy burden just to provide for its ministers and missionaries; and a realistic concern for the welfare of one's wife in this day and age would lead one not to simply expect the church to be able to pick up the pieces for her if things fall apart. While the Lord will never let her down, one of the means He might use to that end are her own developed skills. The more education she has, the more options she has for less physically demanding work (and perhaps the more options for working at home); and those things should be considered with regard to her gifts and her frame.

Godly parents do often consider these things and that is why many will wish their daughter to have some kind of degree or certification. A girl who is complying with her parents' requests in this regard may well be demonstrating a submissive heart -- not to say that a great many of us aren't infected with the 'career woman' mentality, but just because a woman is well educated does not mean she is so infected.

Most people must expect to deal with a 'learning curve' as they adjust not just to each other but to married life. Single life *does* generally look different than marriage (or Paul's whole argument about singleness being better than marriage makes little sense); so one must expect to work through a certain amount of adjustment to new roles. There will also be immaturity of character which we grow through together, as we face different challenges. I think if one is looking for someone who is already inhabiting many of the duties of the role with maturity (having already learned to face and cope with a number of difficult factors), the single mothers in our churches ought to be considered.

I think Ray's thoughts are sound. I don't think a single woman must always live as if she were under her parent's household authority. But a submissive heart will show itself in her interactions with them in honoring them, and in the way she listens to older women and the elders in her church, etc. Incidentally I also think men should be demonstrating some of this with regard to older men and elders in the church. It's not a good sign for a man to be unable to be humble and conscientious in listening to those that watch for his soul, while insisting on submission in a wife.

I won't probably be able to spend much time defending any of this at present -- it's just my opinion as you asked for female input


----------



## rookie

Awesome that I wasn't way off, and that someone else agreed with my points (BTW, I claim no mastery at what I mentioned above, my wife and I are both sinful people saved by grace, and there are struggles of all kinds). What I mentioned above should be what we (men and women before marriage) thrive for....


----------



## Tim

a mere housewife said:


> I won't probably be able to spend much time defending any of this at present -- it's just my opinion as you asked for female input



Great thoughts, Heidi. You have made some very well-reasoned points.


----------



## jwright82

jogri17 said:


> A career no, but basic skills yes. Maybe math classes that could work as an accountant and in case something happened she could support her family and hopefully that could never end, but it is also very practical within marriage.



3 years ago my dad and mom were going to get a divorice and she was very worried about what she was going to do. She was a stay at home mom for over 25 years and knew nothing else. It appeared that Florida was going to take that into consideration by forcing him to pay for some kind of "school" for her. He unfortuanitly solved the "problem" by shooting himself and leaving her his life insurance (a lot of money), very tragic. So I think that states take precautions on this.

As far as the OP goes I think that there are many profitable things a single person can do to prepare for their life. I think that both sexes should read books about the opposite sex to prepare. They should be mentored unofficially by older married couples. They should be about the work of the kingdom until they get married, where their priorties shift. Love is like a smack in the face, you pretty much know it when it happens. So we can be doing "single" person things until it hits us. 

I can't speak from personal experience though because I am divoriced with a kid. I am the only single parent in my "Young Couples/Single Parents" group at church, I love it it though and all the people involved. But boundries should be in place to prevent sin. Single people can go on missionary endeavers a little more easily than a family. So obviously males and females should be housed in seperate locations. That goes without saying but I think the principle should be applied to all mixed/single activities. We can mingle but only withen boundries.

---------- Post added at 12:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:34 PM ----------




a mere housewife said:


> Tim, it is not just divorce rates -- I think a man ought to wish to help his wife provide against a time when he may not (for whatever reason) be able to care for her. Lloyd-Jones points this out in his commentary on Ephesians. The church is often carrying a heavy burden just to provide for its ministers and missionaries; and a realistic concern for the welfare of one's wife in this day and age would lead one not to simply expect the church to be able to pick up the pieces for her if things fall apart. While the Lord will never let her down, one of the means He might use to that end are her own developed skills. The more education she has, the more options she has for less physically demanding work (and perhaps the more options for working at home); and those things should be considered with regard to her gifts and her frame.



Isn't that just loving her more?


----------



## johnson

In addition, it makes sence to prepare for a career as a single woman, because we don't know what God has in store for us. All do not marry. Husbands can get sick or die. My daughter married 6 years ago, she stopped working when pregnant with her first child. Her husband started spending a lot of time in bed, was cold, had headaches got sicker and sicker though the doctors get saying it was depression. He lost his job. They lived with us, and my husband and I didn't want my daughter to leave her baby to go to work. Eventually, it was discovered that his had a problem with his thyroid, finally it had to be removed. It was hard to find the right adjustment for his medication, and there were other issues. They have two sons, my daughter nows works part time and has completed 2 years of college (mostly online). Her goal is to get her master's degree and teach on-line classes from home. My son-in-law health has improved, though he still gets sick frequently. He is starting a course tomorrow to learn to install cable tv's and we are praying that he is sucessful. This isn't how they planned their marriage but adjustments sometimes have to be made. Though my daughter isn't home all day the boys are always with family and we work together to makthis e things work. I work and have for many years, I also didn't plan it that way but God has been good and my daughters have always been my priority. God bless stay-at-home moms, but when life is difficult God still blesses. Women should work hard at whatever they do and do it as unto the Lord. It's easy to say "this is how a family should look and operate", but we need to trust God even when things go differently than according to our plans.


----------



## Andrew P.C.

Something that My wife and I have done has been helpful. I joined the military while dating my wife. She had her DNA license. My wife can still get certified in California again. Right now I'm working in the military while my wife goes to school. Eventually my wife will have her ba in health science. Eventually working towards occupational or physical therapy. After she gets her ba, I will be going to school free of charge (via government pay). So as of right now it's working out. When we have children then she won't work to stay home and take care of the children.


----------



## Bradley-1991

Well, from what I see, young men aren't really preparing for marriage or really care that much about it. They spend their time on games and movies when better time could be sent on reading and studying. I remember what my old Sunday School teacher asked us back when I was 16 or 18 (Before God saved me), He asked:"How many of you want to be married one day", We all raised our hands. Then he asked: "Well, what are you doing to prepare?" No one said anything and there was a weird silence about the room for a minute. I see very little difference from that time till now in those guys. But when the Lord saved me I knew I needed to prepare(I'm not saying these guys aren't saved, there just seems to be no true desire for marriage). I didn't grow up with a Dad who displayed manhood in it's biblical context, so since the Lord saved me and showed me that i needed to prepare for marriage I have been reading books and listening to sermons on manhood, marriage and preparing for marriage. I think if someone truly wanted to get married for reasons other than just to have sex then they would do a lot more then they do. It's through these books and sermons that I see how God planned marriage to be a benefit to us and to draw us nearer to Him. 
I recall yet another memory: I was out to lunch with my pastor and we were talking about the change in my life (my conversion) and I told him I was reading about marriage. He asked me if I had a girlfriend and I told him no. He was kind of shocked because most people just wait till they have a girlfriend or are engaged to learn about such things. I think that we need to stress preparation more then we do now-a-days. I think the reason we are in such bad shape in the church is these reasons, and of course sin. But I want to ask one question before I'm finished: How can we expect people to stay in marriage if they haven't properly prepared in the first place? I'm not talking about jobs or any of that but the simple fact of learning about what true biblical marriage is. I'm not trying to be modernistic but there is at least some benefit from knowledge.


----------



## Tim

Thanks to everyone who has commented above. I would now like to phrase the question in a slightly different way:

"Should single men and women prepare for marriage differently?"


----------



## Scottish Lass

Tim said:


> Thanks to everyone who has commented above. I would now like to phrase the question in a slightly different way:
> 
> "Should single men and women prepare for marriage differently?"



Yes. The responsibilities and skill sets, so to speak, are different.


----------



## Tim

I ask because it seems that there has been some suggestion that there may be _considerable_ overlap in these preparations (not just occassional overlap). So, I am testing these suggestions by asking the question in a different way.


----------



## kvanlaan

Sorry, but I must be the dissenting voice from the 16th century (or somewhere around then) here. I don't think that we should prepare for divorce, the death of a loved one and subsequent abandonment by everyone in their lives, or my daughter getting pregnant/an STD. The reality may be that all of the above are alive and well in the church, but I will not prepare by way of extra pre-emptive education (in my wife's case) or condoms and Gardasil (in the case of my daughter) - I will have faith that the Body of Christ will act as it should, and it is well founded, since I see their reaction to what is giong on with my son even now. 

My own brother is divorcing his wife. Because they are both educated, there is no reason to think that either will need help with work/income going forward. They will simply go their separate ways, because the framework is there for each to support themselves and his church body is such that hey, it happens all the time; roll with it. There is no grievous deliberation over the covenant made before God, there is no church body to take up the task of trying to save this marriage because hey, this is reality. People get divorced, all the time. And in the church. So deal with it. But wait, there has been a covenant BEFORE GOD. Both parties made their vows. Unless there was adultery involved, why are the elders/pastor of the church not dealing with the significant sin of the two parties in breaking these vows because of irreconcilable differences? Because that's reality, and reality that flies in the face of church order (biblical church discipline) eventually undermines the biblical approach when good men fail to follow the vows made to their congregation. Our Christian liberty is so elastic as to allow much of the world's culture and practises (read: 'reality') to enter the Body (or what we label as the Body). Then, when 'reality' strikes (which never should have been there in the first place) we are rather more comfortable than we should be. I am a Christian, I have seen divorce in the church, therefore divorce belongs in the church, though we don't like it. Soon 'we don't like it' slips to 'oh well, that's the way things are' and before too long, we go with the flow and sit in the pews with people who were once couples before 'irreconcilable differences' caused them to break the vow they made before God. But it is OK, and the church doesn't even need to get involved, because everyone will keep the jobs they had anyway and they'll simply split the assets and go on their way.


----------



## Tim

Thanks, Kevin. I have been unsettled with some of the reasons offered in some of the above posts (and don't think such reasons are biblical). You have given a good explanation of the position that I think I would also hold.


----------



## jwithnell

> Do any women care to comment on specific instances where their marriage/families benefited from skills gained "on the job"?


My qualifications in wildland firefighting enabled me to provide a large portion of the family's income during the 18 months my husband was out of work and in the years he was underemployed. My journalism skills are now used quite a bit by my church and this provides three things: support for my husband's work as a deacon, support for the church in general, and skill maintenance and development in case something should ever happen to Brian. (Let's see, your skills are 15 years old and you've never done anything with html? Next ....)

As for life while single: I made decisions specifically for personal and professional growth. My attitude was: well, if I'm not married I should do the most I can. I saw it as a waste of my skills to stay behind in a town that most typically recruited backhoe operators. But thinking back, staying there and continuing to help build that church would have been no waste of time at all and would have protected me spiritually in so many ways. I don't know if this would have made much difference between men and women except that maybe a man might have had different choices in serving the church or perhaps might have been more justified in putting an emphasis on career goals for the eventual support of his family.


----------



## a mere housewife

Jean I was thinking something similar earlier -- people are different. Some single girls who are trying to be content may deliberately not engage in a lot of activities that look like, and make them long for, marriage -- others may spend all their spare time picking up those skills as a way of waiting on the Lord for to give them the calling they desire. I think it is more important before the Lord to practice contentment, compassion, discipline, submission, a servant's heart, etc. than to be practicing all the skills, if one can't do both. It is easier to learn skills, however hard they are to come by (especially for some of us), than those heart qualities, in my own ongoing self-experience.

I want to reiterate that what I said above wasn't in view of divorce so much as other realities (death and sickness {& poverty} are realities specifically mentioned in our covenants with one another). I don't think Lloyd Jones had divorce in mind in his words about trying to help a wife to be more, not less, able to face the world against a day when a husband is unable to shield her from it. I don't think this means every woman must have a degree (I don't have a degree). But I don't think there can be a biblical basis to raise objections to a woman having an education, or a trade, either (the widows in Israel did business, the seller of oil -- and Lydia, a single woman? sold purple -- and the virtuous woman, married, engaged in business). As with some of the personal testimonies above, situations are different, and sometimes an education is the means of God's provision in hard times (even with a family/church support system in place). I believe it isn't something God has made a matter of legislation, so much as of wisdom; and the law of perfect love is enough to be striving for.


----------



## satz

It is not wrong, and it can be good, for a single woman to get an income earning skill (doesn't have to be a degree) simply because it is good for any human being to have such a skill. 

Yes, the church should help those in need, but we all have duty to help ourselves to minimise being a burden to the church. Under God's ideal, the church should only be fully supporting widows 60 and over (1 Tim 5:9). In the OT widows were to be supported by allowing them to gleam - a form of work (Deut 24:20-21). So why shouldn't a woman try her best to obtain a skill if she is single and has not yet met as husband to set the course of her life?

If a woman's skills deteriorate because she is busy caring for her family, that is a sacrifice she has made that should be honored. If she has no skill because she neglected to get one when she was single and had the time, isn't that her fault?


----------



## TexanRose

I'm stating the obvious here, but I think that a woman who hopes to be married some day should seek to develop the following skills:

Basic domestic skills--cooking, cleaning, organization. A young lady might learn these skills at home in her teens or even earlier, but if she didn't, for instance, if her mother was domestically inept, she can learn them on her own, perhaps making use of the internet and the library, or "shadowing" an older woman at church.

All-around education--this is important for any woman who wants to be a "help meet" to her husband, but particularly important for a young lady who would like to homeschool her children some day. She might further her education by pursuing a college degree, or she might simply develop the habit of reading and studying useful topics on her own.

Financial management--a young lady needs to practice basic financial skills, running a budget, balancing a checkbook, saving for the future, etc. 

And I know this is really obvious, but a woman who hopes to marry some day, like any woman, ought to be pursuing personal godliness.

All of these skills/pursuits would be useful in marriage, but they would also enrich a woman's life while single. (And they would help her to manage if she were to marry and then find herself a widow, or divorced.)

Last but not least, and this is difficult to define/quantify, but I think it's important for a woman to remember how to "give" or compromise, in general. I think it's easy for a woman who lives on her own to get used to having things her way, but it's important to remember how to let someone else be in charge. It's easier to practice this skill when living with less-than-perfect parents and/or brothers, but a woman on her own can also practice cheerful yielding to others to a limited degree.


----------



## Tim

TexanRose said:


> Last but not least, and this is difficult to define/quantify, but I think it's important for a woman to remember how to "give" or compromise, in general. I think it's easy for a woman who lives on her own to get used to having things her way, but it's important to remember how to let someone else be in charge. It's easier to practice this skill when living with less-than-perfect parents and/or brothers, but a woman on her own can also practice cheerful yielding to others to a limited degree.



And I think this would equally apply to single men, wouldn't it? Or perhaps a bit less for a man, given his role in leadership.


----------



## TexanRose

Tim said:


> TexanRose said:
> 
> 
> 
> Last but not least, and this is difficult to define/quantify, but I think it's important for a woman to remember how to "give" or compromise, in general. I think it's easy for a woman who lives on her own to get used to having things her way, but it's important to remember how to let someone else be in charge. It's easier to practice this skill when living with less-than-perfect parents and/or brothers, but a woman on her own can also practice cheerful yielding to others to a limited degree.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And I think this would equally apply to single men, wouldn't it? Or perhaps a bit less for a man, given his role in leadership.
Click to expand...


Well, yes and no. Yes, it's important for single men to learn how to compromise with others, but no, I would not think that a single man would need to practice yielding and letting another be in charge, in the same way that a woman would. I was thinking specifically of a woman's duty to submit in marriage, and how she might prepare mentally for that.


----------



## Tim

Agreed. That is why I put "perhaps a bit less for a man". But I was thinking of items of practicality and preference when I wrote that.


----------

