# Help Me Resolve a Dispute w/ My Mom - Was I Being "Disrespectful"?



## No Name #5 (Apr 19, 2010)

I am feeling like an island in a sea of crazy.

My mom & I just finished a dispute over essentially moral relativism vs. moral absolutism, except it isn't as it sounds. We both are Christians & therefore side with moral absolutism, naturally; we were merely in the process of witnessing with an unbeliever on the subject, & I felt as though she wanted us to make statements that made us appear "ignorant". So I got frustrated and told her that I believed she was too "ignorant" on the topic to have a lucid debate about it, and she chewed me out for being "disrespectful". I asked _how_ I was being "disrespectful", and she told me that she was my mother, and as such, fundamentally has authority over me to arbitrarily decide what is "disrespectful" & what isn't.

I disagreed. I felt like she was abusing a tenet of Scripture & turning it into a tyrannical dictation. I told her that I wasn't being disrespectful, I was only telling her a _fact_. I said if I discovered that she was ignorant on a fact about King Henry VIII, I would inform her & maybe provide some information that would enlighten her. There's nothing inherently insensitive - or more importantly, "disrespectful" - about it. Nothing. If I called her an "idiot", on the other hand, I would probably agree that I was being disrespectful - because the word has an intrinsically negative connotation. I may even be willing to give her side an ear if I called her "stupid" - same thing. But ignorance isn't necessarily disrespectful _at all_, & I _sincerely wasn't intending on disrespecting anyone_.

That um, should, in theory, resolve everything. But no.

My mom calls for my dad & he enters the room, because he's supposed to "escort me out". I was outraged, because I didn't do anything wrong. We even got into this petty dispute because my mom & I were witnessing to a friend of mine online _together_. I started sobbing because I was just that _that_ affronted that my mom would abuse a tenet of Scripture (parental (dis)respect) just because she got emotional & overreacted to the fact that she is, indeed, ignorant. I couldn't believe my parents would do something like this. I usually like to believe my parents are rational people. My dad, without even knowing anything, said yes, that I was being disrespectful, "you don't talk to your parents that way, you should 'repent'", etc. etc. Since even my dad seemed to support this, I became even more emotional and just walked _myself_ to my room. At one point, I apparently asked my mom if "she was on drugs" since she seemed to behaving so unreasonably, and she...actually took me seriously. Yes. "I will not tolerate being accused of drug use!!!"

???????????

It's. An. *Idiom.* Are you kidding me? It's not to be taken literally. Are we in medieval times? Am I going to be challenged to a duel at the crack of dawn? Am I going to be beheaded?

Seriously - Was I being disrespectful? I actually am open to hearing opposing sides, as long as that side has _reasons_, which my mom quite evidently doesn't.

I like reasons. Reasons are nice.


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## christiana (Apr 19, 2010)

Sounds to me that both of you 'meant well' and got rather carried away with your zeal for truth of scripture!
Telling the truth in love requires believers to speak from their heart! Your use of the word 'ignorant' was incendiary to a parent I would think and the conversation went south from that point to where neither of you could really hear the other! An apology for that would have been in order and would have brought some restoration of calm and then continued discussion in a quiet manner. However, your mom feeling you had called her 'ignorant' actually shut down her being able to hear your point of discussion! Children are to honor their parent, period! I remember well feeling intense disagreement with my parents at times but my healthy fear of repercussion restrained me. Today that restraint seems to have been loosened or removed by culture and by 'every man doing what is right in their own eyes', rather than to submit to both our Lord and our parents and to discuss matters of controversy in a more respectful manner. I admit that if one of my children even used the word 'ignorant' in a discussion with me about anything at all I would have a problem with that! Your point of disagreement got lost due to this 'injury' to her spirit, even if you were correct in your theology! Bring restoration and love back into harmony and then dialogue may be again possible. Blessings! Keep us posted here!!


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## MarieP (Apr 19, 2010)

Liz,

I don't know you or your mom, and I don't know the circumstances of what exactly you objected to your mom saying, but reading your comments it sounds like you need to sit down, take a deep breath, consider several things, and, yes, repent before God and your mom and dad (and the nonbeliever if he/she got wind of this).

First, how old are you? I get the idea from the post that you are fairly young. I have a hard time believing your mom is as ignorant as you may believe. You said you both are Christians, and so you need to honor her as both your mother and as an older woman in the faith.

Second, how did this affect your conversation with the nonbeliever? I for one, and I'm sure you and your mom as well, are glad this was an online discussion and not one in person. Unless there's something really heretically wrong with what someone says in the process of witnessing to a nonbeliever, I'll forego the matter and get back with them later on it. Satan hates it when we witness to his subjects, so don't be surprised when it's so easy to get sidetracked from the Gospel to other matters, as legitimate as they might be. I would also say that whatever we talk about, with the nonbeliever AND with each other must be in accordance with love. Remember that it is by our love that all men will know we are disciples. I don't know how your mom treated you, but it sounded like you were reviling her in return. Saying she was on drugs was very disrespectful. I don't care if it's an idiom, we don't talk to one another like the world talks to one another.

Third, why are you so unwilling to hear your mom out? You say she is a Christian. Yes, you may know more than her in this particular matter, but does she not have the same Spirit dwelling within her? What exactly was she saying that you thought made you all sound "ignorant?" The truth is, many times we DO sound ignorant to unbelievers. Is not the wisdom of God foolishness to the world?

Don't seek to justify your own actions under the disguise of "it's the truth!" Believe me, I've been there, done that. If you don't have love, you're just going to be a clanging cymbal. I'm not saying we don't have our convictions and opinions, but we need to deal with others, especially those who have Biblical authority over us, in a climate of gentleness and respect, even if the favor isn't returned (which honestly I think your mom and dad were more respectful to you than you think- it's easy to be blinded by our emotions, believe me, I've been there!)


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## CNJ (Apr 19, 2010)

E-Liz, 

Do you need to win? Do we need a poll so you can win? "Ignorant" is an emotional word like "stupid". "Perhaps misinformed" would be a more polite way to talk. Mother/daughter dynamics to boot. Dad called in. I can see why you are upset, but calm down. 

You write: _I like reasons. Reasons are nice._

I like Scripture above reasons. Scripture is nice. Look to Scripture. I love The Living Translaton in Proverbs 17:9: _*Disregarding another person's faults perserves love; telling about them actually separates close friends. *_Someone who wants to argue will argue about The Living Translation and so I say pick other Scripture, but do go to Scripture this one and others. 

It is your parents' home and you are under their roof in "Take Me Out of My Missouri" your location. When you are in your thirties you may not get in these arguments, In my humble opinion and I am assuming you are young. To your Christian mother I can see saying, _I love you Mom and I don't want words to come between us again and horrors of all horrors not while we are witnessing. _ If you continue to have problems in the home, go to your pastor or an elder, with your parents, or by yourself.


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## Mushroom (Apr 19, 2010)

Submission can be very difficult. But even when you're right in the facts, you are wrong to allow that to carry you beyond submitting to the instruction of your parents. If they are wrong, the Lord will bring them to repentance, but as long as what they are instructing you to do is not sin, you are called to endure it as our Lord endured much worse at the hands of sinners.


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## Christopher88 (Apr 19, 2010)

Liz,
You may not agree on everything your mom and dad say but here is the truth. 
First; You are living under their roof, their care. So you are not independent, you are to obey them always. You may disagree with a theory of theirs, but to call your own mother "Ignorant" is disrespectful. 
Not to be rude Liz, but you placed meaning of words before the sinners salvation. You and your mom got in a tizzy when you should have just been focused on the sinners coming to salvation. 
I do allot of stupid things in my youth as well, even as a young adult. One thing I have always done is respect my parents, I don't agree with my parents fully but in what I don't agree with I keep my mouth shut. Its better to be a listener than someone who wants to be right over the little things. 

I would repent to your mother and father, because name calling is name calling no matter if your right or wrong.

my $0.02


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