# Pun Time!!



## Wayne (Jan 30, 2012)

What do you call a diminutive rural German peasant without property?
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"a little farmless Hun"


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## Zach (Jan 30, 2012)

I shared this with my roommates...I was the only one that laughed. I guess it takes a rare breed of nerd.


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## Philip (Jan 30, 2012)

Millionaire Howard Hughes once talked the Franciscans out of setting up a charity flower business, because only Hughes can prevent florist friars.


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## timmopussycat (Jan 30, 2012)

A man walked into a fish and chip shop run by a monastery and asked the counterman: "Are you the fish friar?" and received the reply: "No, I'm the chip monk."


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## VictorBravo (Jan 30, 2012)

A punster is like a pup
whose reckless tail upsets the cups
if you reverse the letters
you will see much better
the truth that a nup is a nup

So, if you run across an incorrigible punster, please just don't incorrige him.

Others from the past: http://www.puritanboard.com/f52/anyone-pun-28871/


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## Philip (Jan 30, 2012)

A Mongolian tribe had a superstition that their chief needed to have a beard. One day their chief, Benny, decided that he would risk a shave. The next day, the elders found that their chief had been transformed into a Grecian urn, proving that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


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## Wayne (Jan 30, 2012)

Every once in a while, the cartoon strip Pearls Before Swine has a real winner.

One recent example : Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip, January 08, 2012 on GoComics.com

And the all-time best : Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip, December 06, 2009 on GoComics.com


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## Southern Presbyterian (Jan 30, 2012)

Some of these (I'm not saying which ones) are only 2/3 of a pun..... P - U.


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## Philip (Jan 30, 2012)

Puns are the lowest form of humour . . . therefore they are the foundation.


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## FenderPriest (Jan 30, 2012)

Had a profesor ask: "So... Any questions in general?.... [silence] Any questions in Lieutenant?"

I nearly died laughing. It was as awkward as you are imagining.


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## reformed_vanilla (Jan 30, 2012)

Well, well, well, water we have here?


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## Philip (Jan 30, 2012)

An African tribe had the custom of putting the thrones of conquered kings in the chief's hut. However, one day the pile of thrones collapsed, taking the house with it, proving that those who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones.


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## reformed_vanilla (Jan 30, 2012)

The Longest Joke in the World

If you have a bit of time read this one.


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## MarieP (Jan 30, 2012)

One wintry evening, a couple returns to their hotel to find a group of old men carrying on around a table in the lobby. "Ha," they heard one say, "I've captured more kings in my life than all of you combined!" "Oh yeah," says another, "my middle name is 'Checkmate!'" They asked the clerk at the front desk what was going on, and the clerk said...

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"Oh, they're just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"


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## reformed_vanilla (Jan 30, 2012)

What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?

...a receding hare line.


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## MarieP (Jan 30, 2012)

reformed_vanilla said:


> The Longest Joke in the World
> 
> If you have a bit of time read this one.



I want my time back!!!!!! LOL!!!! Enjoyable story, though...


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## Danny (Jan 31, 2012)

You know that, if you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.


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## Southern Presbyterian (Jan 31, 2012)

....

View attachment 2626


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## Philip (Jan 31, 2012)

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


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## Rich Koster (Jan 31, 2012)

A frog goes into a bank to apply for a loan. The clerk Patricia, asks for his name. He tells her Kermit, Kermit Watts. How much do you want to borrow? He says $10,000. She asks do you have a job? No, he responds. Do you have any collateral? Here, he says, handing her a Miss Piggy snow globe. At this point she calls for her manager to get the final say on what looks like a definite "loan declined" candidate. To her surprise the manager tells her.....

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.That's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.


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## Pilgrim Standard (Jan 31, 2012)

So an Indian goes into a Saloon at 6am.
He has a leash in his hand, at the end of the leash a Large Bison stands.
He slaps his hand down on the bar and states to the bartender "Me need Coffee."
Puzzled and staring at the bison, the bartender fills up a mug, passes it along to the Indian proclaiming "Sure 'nuff Chief, here ya' go!"
The Indian drinks the cup, slams it back down on the counter, stands up turns around pulls out a six shooter and shoots the Bison 6ix times and runs out the front of the saloon.
The next day the Indian shows up promptly at 6am, with another leash and a Bison. Again He slaps his hand down on the bar and states to the bartender "Me need Coffee."
The Shocked bartender says "Woah, Chief! We just finished cleanin' up the mess you left from yesterday! What's this all 'bout anyway?"
To which the Indian proclaims "OH! Me train for upper management training. Come in early, drink coffee, shoot much bull, leave mess for others to clean up and disappear for rest of day."


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## Marrow Man (Jan 31, 2012)

Joan of Arc didn't quit. She was fired.


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## Wayne (Jan 31, 2012)

View attachment 2627


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## Philip (Jan 31, 2012)

During the French Revolution, a certain count was suspected to have the whereabouts of the Scarlet Pimpernel. They decided to take him to the guillotine to see if they could get him to talk. They got him under the blade and just as he was about to break down and spill the beans, the rope broke, thus proving that you shouldn't hatchet your counts before they chicken.


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## toddpedlar (Jan 31, 2012)

timmopussycat said:


> A man walked into a fish and chip shop run by a monastery and asked the counterman: "Are you the fish friar?" and received the reply: "No, I'm the chip monk."



The very, very long version of that used to be one of my favorite jokes...


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## toddpedlar (Jan 31, 2012)

Roy had a brand new pair of shoes. He goes to visit his friend. Being polite, he removed his shoes and leaves them at the door. While visiting with his friend, the friend’s cat discovers Roys new shoes, likes the smell and proceeds to chew them up. Roy goes ballistic. The friend, feeling very bad, has a dilemma: he has two cats. One of the cats enters the room at that moment. The friend then asks, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"


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## toddpedlar (Jan 31, 2012)

And this is not exactly a pun.... but the music theory oriented folks among us will enjoy it 

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.​


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## timmopussycat (Jan 31, 2012)

P. F. Pugh said:


> If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?



No, but a fired conductor is disconcerted.


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## JM (Jan 31, 2012)

View attachment 2636


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## Philip (Jan 31, 2012)

timmopussycat said:


> No, but a fired conductor is disconcerted.



And a defunct message board is dismembered.


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## kvanlaan (Feb 4, 2012)

Ok, you guys really need the long version of one of the previous jokes:

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so,
thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

---------- Post added at 09:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:40 AM ----------

A farmer had a sprawling farm with a patch of woods that ran right up against the local airport. Day after day, planes would crash into the woods causing all sorts of problems. No one could figure out what to do. Finally, the farmer gathered up a flock of the ugliest female sheep he could find, set them loose in the woods, and planes never crashed into his trees again. The moral of the story: Homely ewes can prevent forest fliers.

---------- Post added at 09:41 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:41 AM ----------

The local church was looking a little worn around the edges, and the minister decided that a new coat of paint would spruce the building up just fine. He hired painters to do it. Halfway through painting the church, the painters realized that they wouldn't have enough paint to finish the job. They decided to thin the paint by half and finish covering the building. Soon after, it rained, and the poor-quality paint melted right off the steeple. It was a mess. The minister was very angry. He called the painters and yelled at them, saying...

are you ready?...

wait for it...





"Repaint, repaint and thin no more!!"

---------- Post added at 09:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:41 AM ----------

There was a man named Bill whose greatest love was tractor pull competitions. He subscribed to tractor pull magazines and even paid for the all-tractor-pull specialty cable channel. He had never actually attended a tractor pull, so when it was announced that the tractor pull was coming to his home town, he was beside himself with anticipation. He lined up the night before tickets went on sale, even though he was the only one there. He marked the days on his calendar and booked the day off work.

Finally the day of the big event came, and Bill went to the arena six hours early to get the best seat. By the time the show began, he had all the programs, souvenirs, posters, accessories and junk food he could want.

The competition began, and from the moment it started, it was all a crushing disappointment. It was noisy and smoky, it took so long to restage the tractors each time that it was all a colossal bore. Bitterly disappointed and angry, Bill threw all his souvenirs into the trash, left the arena, and marched straight across the street to the nearest pub. He stomped in and slammed the door mightily. 

As he did so, a great load of soot fell from the chimney, rolled out of the fireplace and engulfed the room in a huge cloud. The pub owner was aghast. "Look at this mess," he cried, "And I'm expecting a big crowd in here tonight after the tractor pull."

"I can handle this," said Bill, stepping forward. He took in a huge lungful of air, sucking up every speck of soot in the place. He walked to the door and opened it, and exhaled, spraying the big cloud outside.

The pub owner stared at him. "How can you do that?" he asked incredulously.

"Simple," said Bill. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

---------- Post added at 09:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:43 AM ----------

Hey, what time do we have to stop this?


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## Zach (Feb 4, 2012)

JM said:


> View attachment 2636



This is pretty hilarious. Where is What on Second?


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## kvanlaan (Feb 4, 2012)

I'm enjoying myself, but there's only so much a man can take...or give.


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