# The American Mainstream Church Catechism



## WrittenFromUtopia (Feb 18, 2005)

The American Mainstream Church Catechism

Q. 1. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to serve God in as many ways as our talents allow, be creative in how we conduct our worship services, and get as many people as possible to join our local church.

Q. 2. What rule hath God given to direct us how we may glorify and enjoy him?
A. We glorify God by serving Him in as many ways as possible, going to Church on both Wednesday and Sunday night, and avoiding grievous sinful acts, such as dancing, card playing, tattoos, drinking alcohol, smoking, attending blasphemous theater, getting caught up in theology, and condemning anyone who does such things as children of Satan.

Q. 3. What do the Scriptures principally teach?
A. The Scriptures principally teach us that God loves everyone equally and that Satan has a ton of power to deceive and lead us good, God-fearing, Bible believers astray.

Q. 4. What is God?
A. God is God. Next question.

Q. 5. Are there more Gods than one?
A. There is but one God, the God of my Bible.

Q. 6. How many persons are there in the Godhead?
A. There are three persons in the Godhead. It’s like water. Water is in three forms: Ice, Water, and Water vapor. God is just like that.

Q. 7. What are the decrees of God?
A. Whatever my Bible says.

Q. 8. How doth God execute his decrees?
A. Whatever my Bible says.

Q. 9. What is the work of creation?
A. Definitely not evolution like the educated devil worshippers teach. Whatever my Bible says.

Q. 10. What are God’s works of providence?
A. God’s works of providence are how he reacts to our long and pious prayers.

Q. 11. What is sin?
A. Sin is dancing, card playing, tattoos, drinking alcohol, smoking, attending blasphemous theater, and getting caught up in theology.

Q. 12. What is free will?
A. Free will is God’s gift to all God-fearing, Bible believing Christians wherein we can choose to do as much as possible to serve Him. The more we do, the better our experience in heaven will be.

Q. 13. What is Church?
A. Church is a building where all God-fearing, Bible believing Christians gather to be immersed in meaningful, heartfelt worship, engage in popcorn prayers, fellowship with others, listening to a relevant sermon preached by the Senior Pastor, keep up on the current state of Israel through the national news, and get more and more excited about the Rapture. Come Lord Jesus!

Q. 14. What is worship?
A. Worship is the time in a Church program where we are immersed emotionally by an assault of meaningful, relevant music with heartfelt, meaningful, and relevant words. The music is performed by a band (sometimes with an orchestra in more old-fashioned churches), along with as big a choir as possible (having more people in the choir than in the congregation is both acceptable and preferred), and, in blessed congregations with really good singers, a praise team.

Q. 15. What is the purpose of a praise team?
A. To lead the congregation into a worshipful spirit where they can encounter God in a personal, intimate way, through heartfelt, meaningful, and relevant words.

Q. 16. What is the purpose of a choir?
A. To, through obsession over perfection, worship God through the best singing possible, no matter what it takes. The choir also must sing in a Christmas musical every year at the local mall, because this ministers to the community.

Q. 17. What is the purpose of music in the Church service?
A. To manipulate the emotional state of the congregation so that they can, only then, truly encounter God in a personal, intimate way, through heartfelt, meaningful, and relevant tunes.

Q. 18. What is the purpose of preaching?
A. The purpose of preaching is to meet people’s felt needs with “warm fuzzies”, remind them to shake off their past, and encourage them to continue tithing, avoiding sins, rebuking the Devil and his demons, and fearing the imminent rapture.

Q. 19. Who is to preach?
A. The Senior Pastor, who is the one and only true head of any given local, autonomous, church body.

Q. 20. What is the purpose of being saved?
A. The purpose of being saved is to enjoy God’s blessings more abundantly, be successful in your business or home, wear Christian t-shirts, listen to Christian music alone, promote the importance of God’s love for all people, and avoid being Left Behind in the Rapture (Which could happen at any minute; Are you ready?).

Q. 21. How can one be saved?
A. To be saved you must walk down the aisle on Sunday morning, fill out a membership card, pray the Sinner’s Prayer, get baptized, and go through a “New Disciple’s” Class.

Q. 22. When is the proper time to walk down the aisle?
A. During the Invitation.

Q. 23. What happens during the Invitation?
A. Hymns such as “As the Deer” are played (or emotional instrumentals), and the preacher tells everyone who feels unsaved to come forward and make sure, just in case, because the Devil is really tricky and can fool us into thinking we are saved when we aren’t.

Q. 24. What is the Lord’s Supper?
A. The Lord’s Supper is nothing but a reminder of Christ’s death. That’s it!

Q. 25. How is the Lord’s Supper conducted?
A. Everyone who is in attendance receives a piece of bread (symbolizing Christ’s body) and glass of grape juice (symbolizing Christ’s blood) as an act of remembrance, but nothing else. That’s it!

Q. 26. Wait, didn’t they use wine at the Last Supper?
A. Yes, but the grape juice is a symbol of that wine, because their wine was non-alcoholic. Don’t be silly.

Q. 27. So, you’re using a symbol of a symbol?
A. Yes.

Q. 28. What are the lawful officers of the local, autonomous church?
A. The local officers of a local, autonomous church are Deacons, the Senior Pastor, the Music Minister, the Children’s Minister, the Youth Minister, the College Minister (if applicable), the Administrative Minister, the Pastoral Care Minister, and the Secretaries.

Q. 29. Who is in charge of the local, autonomous church?
A. The Deacons are in charge in the abscence of a Senior Pastor, and in his presence, they are equal in power.

Q. 30. What is the purpose of the Holy Bible?
A. The purpose of the Holy Bible is to act as a compass for life; a self-help guide, if you will.

Q. 31. What are the best versions of the Bible available to God’s people?
The best versions available are the Message, NLT, NIV, GNB, and NCV.

Q. 32. What will happen during the end times?
A. During the end times, which we are living in, there will be more and more trouble in the world for Christians until we are Raptured away into the sky with Jesus (our homeboy). After this, JC will establish an earthly kingdom with Jews for a whole THOUSAND years!!! It will be amazing, and Satan and his demons and all the drunkards and druggies will be cast into the Lake of Fire for all eternity, while the Christians will go to Heaven to receive their crowns of reward for living righteous lives on earth in God’s service.

Q. 33. What is Heaven?
A. Heaven is a huge, eternal worship service, with the best lighting and sound possible.


----------



## Me Died Blue (Feb 18, 2005)

Hilarious! I found it interestingly funny how many of those describe my old church.


----------



## alwaysreforming (Feb 18, 2005)

Man, that was good! I like the way "Left Behind" was capitalized!


----------



## WrittenFromUtopia (Feb 18, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Me Died Blue_
> Hilarious! I found it interestingly funny how many of those describe my old church.



Sadly enough, it is based on experiences in my past church.


----------



## Abd_Yesua_alMasih (Feb 18, 2005)

Sadly enough I could show it to friends in the Apostolic/Pentacostal church I go to and they would heartily agree with it... except it could be a bit conservative for them...


----------



## SolaScriptura (Feb 18, 2005)

Priceless!!!


----------



## street preacher (Feb 19, 2005)

Rollling on the floor. Thank God I am not in that any more. It is really sad that people really hold to those things.


----------



## Presbyrino (Feb 19, 2005)

These were great! Sounds just like my old church as well.

You may want to add this one (I heard this explanation once at my old church)

34. What is Election?
Election is God choosing me, based on God knowing I would choose him first through the corridors of time.


----------



## Authorised (Feb 19, 2005)

Hilarious. Needs another question as well...


Q. 35. What is a catechism?
A. You don't know either?


----------



## Ianterrell (Feb 19, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Authorised_
> Hilarious. Needs another question as well...
> 
> 
> ...



Nice addition.


----------



## WrittenFromUtopia (Feb 19, 2005)

lol


----------



## ReformedWretch (Feb 19, 2005)




----------

