# Advice Needed



## JML (Dec 6, 2011)

What advice would you give in a situation like this?

My family and I live 14 hours away from my parents. My parents are 70 years old. My older and only brother lives with my parents but has health problems. All of my extended family is also in the vicinity (within 2 hours). I really have no desire to move near family as they are all unconverted and there is not a reformed church in the area. They have already said that if their health begins to fail that they will not move to where I am for me to help them.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.


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## moral necessity (Dec 6, 2011)

I'd probably ask myself: Which will lead to the bigger regret for me later on?

Praying for you in this situation...


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## Jack K (Dec 6, 2011)

My wife's parents are likely unconverted and are living across the country from us. Most of the rest of her unconverted family is still living near her parents. Her parents are older than yours and their health is failing.

This is hard on my wife. She gets frustrated and sad. She often feels like she should be there; that maybe she could make a difference for their salvation if she were around them more. But when she does go to see them, she usually just gets more frustrated and remembers why she left in the first place.

We have to remind ourselves often that although it's good to be representatives of the gospel in their lives, we can't be taking responsibility for getting them saved or feeling guilty if we don't constantly drop everything to make one last visit in the hope that things will be different this time. As her parents age and health issues mount, the "death watch" can become a huge burden if we let it... as each visit seems more filled with both urgency and sadness.

I would suggest you not disrupt your life to try to *make* something happen with your parents. Love them as opportunities arise. Pray for them constantly. Look for chances to speak into their lives as these things come up. But don't drop everything in an attempt to force it. You can't force God's work, tempting as it is to try.


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## rookie (Dec 6, 2011)

Jack K said:


> My wife's parents are likely unconverted and are living across the country from us. Most of the rest of her unconverted family is still living near her parents. Her parents are older than yours and their health is failing.
> 
> This is hard on my wife. She gets frustrated and sad. She often feels like she should be there; that maybe she could make a difference for their salvation if she were around them more. But when she does go to see them, she usually just gets more frustrated and remembers why she left in the first place.
> 
> ...



I would echo this response. My grandparents lived 1 mile from my parents house (and where I grew up), and they are (were) unconverted. My parents are both saved. My mom dropped everything all the time to attend to her parents needs to the point of spending days with them (groceries, cleaning, cooking, basically everything but bathing since they had a nurse 3 times a week). 

In the end, my grandfather still wanted nothing to do with Christ, his philosophy was, "I was born Catholic, and if my religion can't take me to heaven, I don't want to go". He passed away July last year, with absolutely no evidence of salvation, and my grandmother has advanced dementia (I think it's how you spell it) so unless God's grace intervenes now, she has no chance as most the time she doesn't know her own kids. 

As much as my mother (and my dad and myself) grieve that my grandfather passed in eternity without the Savior, we can't blame ourselves for not sharing the gospel. Mom and dad did it everytime they visited, only to be nearly thrown out of the house and blasphemed. When I spoke to him, tried to bring it in conversation as well, and his response was always "I know more about life than you do", to which I replied "truth is not a matter of how long you have known it, I have been saved since 2000, and the pope has been wrong all his life". 

Might have not been the right response, but his decision was made. IF the opportunity presents itself (job transfer, kids, or some other situation we can't predict) that you must move, so be it. But I wouldn't move closer just to be closer. Vacations would be fine. 

That's the situation my wife and I are in with her parents. Neither of us intends on moving 1400 miles closer....

Hoping this helps as far as advice goes.

Praying for you as well.


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## JBaldwin (Dec 6, 2011)

Is the reason for moving close to the family to convert them? Or is it to fulfill the responsibility of caring for your family? If the care is provided for the family, then I don't see a reason to pick up and move closer. However, if the parents are in need, it would seem to me that something would need to be done. 

My parents left what I believe is a good example. As long as my grandparents could care for themselves, my parents stayed put. After my grandfather died, and it was clear that my grandmother could no longer care for herself, my parents took action and moved closer to my grandmother, as my father was the only child. 

As has been said, jumping to move just to "convert" the family is not a good enough reason to move In my humble opinion. Neglecting to care for the family, however, is another issue.


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## JML (Dec 6, 2011)

JBaldwin said:


> Is the reason for moving close to the family to convert them? Or is it to fulfill the responsibility of caring for your family?



My concern is the second one. Not that I am not concerned about their conversion but my original post was caring for them when they are older.


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## rbcbob (Dec 6, 2011)

Hi John,

I would encourage you to weigh your primary and immediate responsibilities. You have responsibility for your soul and the souls of your wife and children. This cannot be separated from your responsibility to have your family in a sound church where God is worshiped and served. Any secondary responsibility or desire that compromises that primary responsibility is to be rejected.

Praying for you brother.


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## py3ak (Dec 6, 2011)

Elder Bob, I agree with you about primary and secondary responsibilities; but the "corban" incident, and 1 Timothy 5:8 would make me hesitant to demote care for parents in need from the status of a primary responsibility.


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## rbcbob (Dec 6, 2011)

py3ak said:


> Elder Bob, I agree with you about primary and secondary responsibilities; but the "corban" incident, and 1 Timothy 5:8 would make me hesitant to demote care for parents in need from the status of a primary responsibility.



Ruben, I appreciate the point you make, and (as an old guy) have sympathy with the encouragement of young Christian families keeping an eye to their parents' needs. But there still comes into the lives of any number of Christian heads of homes a competition between legitimate responsibilities in which some prioritization must sift out the highest duty before God. I will argue that the husband *must* allow no other good thing to subvert the his primary calling and responsibility.


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## py3ak (Dec 6, 2011)

Indeed, I would argue the same way; but I have a hard time imagining a responsibility more primary than _not denying the faith_.


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## lynnie (Dec 6, 2011)

You are willing to take them in. You are willing to care for them.

They don't want to move. Well, I'd say their decision is not your problem and you have fulfilled your responsibility.

If they get tired and feeble enough they'll likely consider changing their minds, or decide to go into assisted living. My inlaws chose assisted living, they didn't want to be with us all the time. They wanted to be with their own age group and all the activities. (this was one they paid for, not sure about how good they are on medicare). 

My dad openly says he can't stand being around Christians all the time. We stink to them. Why should they want to move to be around you? Yuck- narrow minded intolerant religious freaks. 

Just my opinion. Stay put and see what happens.


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## Edward (Dec 6, 2011)

lynnie said:


> You are willing to take them in. You are willing to care for them.
> 
> They don't want to move. Well, I'd say their decision is not your problem and you have fulfilled your responsibility.
> 
> If they get tired and feeble enough they'll likely consider changing their minds, or decide to go into assisted living.



Agreed. No reason that you should have to disrupt your family. Offer to help your parents move to you, if they need your assistance.


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## Scott1 (Dec 7, 2011)

One aspect is that in the age of telecommunications we live in, there are many ways to be in touch-

phone, mail, email, Skype. If they don't have it, but it for them, set it up, show them how to use it and call them (for free)!


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