# Thoughts on Fostering?



## Ryan&Amber2013 (Jul 30, 2016)

So, we have had an interest in fostering, and we want to look more into it. One issue comes to mind though - what do we do about bringing an ungodly child into our home and the influence he will have on our 6 month old who we are raising in the fear of the Lord? If the family is in essence a small church, how do we reconcile having one who is doing evil things in our home knowing we can't discipline him or her? I'm not worried about it for our sake, but for our son's sake. Bad company corrupts good morals. If our son sees him or her acting in wicked ways, he might be tempted to join in, wouldn't you think? I don't want him to be exposed to such things if I can help it, but I want to care for orphans as well. Any thoughts to help clarify this for me would be great. Thanks!


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## Edward (Jul 30, 2016)

Children who have been abused are more likely to be abusive. I would consider it irresponsible to expose your child to anyone that the Florida DCF might issue you. 

Sort of like bringing a pitbull into your house - you might not ever have a problem, but don't act shocked if your child gets bitten.


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## Ryan&Amber2013 (Jul 30, 2016)

Edward said:


> Children who have been abused are more likely to be abusive. I would consider it irresponsible to expose your child to anyone that the Florida DCF might issue you.
> 
> Sort of like bringing a pitbull into your house - you might not ever have a problem, but don't act shocked if your child gets bitten.



Do you think we would be in the same boat if we fostered a child under the age of our son? Thanks.


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## Edward (Jul 30, 2016)

Ryan&Amber2013 said:


> Do you think we would be in the same boat if we fostered a child under the age of our son? Thanks.



Fostering an infant would certainly decrease the direct risk. You would still have the indirect issues of intrusive interactions with the state. An an infant that's been taken from its mother likely means neonatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, so you will be dealing with an additional layer of issues. But if you are prepared to do so....


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## timfost (Jul 30, 2016)

Ryan&Amber2013 said:


> So, we have had an interest in fostering, and we want to look more into it. One issue comes to mind though - what do we do about bringing an ungodly child into our home and the influence he will have on our 6 month old who we are raising in the fear of the Lord? If the family is in essence a small church, how do we reconcile having one who is doing evil things in our home knowing we can't discipline him or her? I'm not worried about it for our sake, but for our son's sake. Bad company corrupts good morals. If our son sees him or her acting in wicked ways, he might be tempted to join in, wouldn't you think? I don't want him to be exposed to such things if I can help it, but I want to care for orphans as well. Any thoughts to help clarify this for me would be great. Thanks!



Hi Ryan,

We've fostered since 2011 (which has nothing to do with our last name-- thought I'd beat people to the pun!). 

Fostering while having young children can be difficult. We made the rule for ourselves that we would not consider anyone older than our oldest child. That has been a good rule of thumb.

Children come from all backgrounds, many of which will be disclosed prior to you making any commitment. Some of these backgrounds pose a greater risk to other children, sexual abuse being at the top of the list. Neglect has serious consequences for the child, but may not pose the same kind of risk to your other children. 

Age is another huge factor. A child that has been in a bad environment for years is going to be much more difficult than an infant removed from a home. On the flip side, a child that is older will have an easier time in the future sorting out their past because what they experienced can be, in part, expressed through language. In contrast, when an infant was subjected to abuse (etc.), they will grow up not remembering what happened and in turn won't be able to process their past as easily (often such behavior manifests itself in completely inexplicable impulses). I can explain this more in private if you wish, as examples that come to mind are very personal.

Also, a word about discipline. You made the comment that "we can't discipline him or her..." This is not completely true. Discipline is encouraged in the foster system. However, because of the situations many of these children come out of, spanking is _not_ a good option. Many of these kids have seen domestic abuse or have been abused. Your own child can tell the difference. Many children in foster care _cannot_. 

Discipline, like the commandments, is a two-edged sword. There is both negative and positive discipline. Negative discipline is designed to stop a behavior. Positive is designed to teach the correct behavior. Too often we speak about discipline only in the negative. Like God's law, the bad behavior ("you shall not..." needs to be replaced by good behavior ("you shall"). So these children must be disciplined, but the discipline may look different than some of the methods you would use with your biological child.

I think fostering is a wonderful opportunity. We have adopted two beautiful little girls through foster care. Before fostering I thought that I could never love someone else's child as my own. I was _very, very wrong_!


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## timfost (Jul 30, 2016)

Edward said:


> Ryan&Amber2013 said:
> 
> 
> > Do you think we would be in the same boat if we fostered a child under the age of our son? Thanks.
> ...



The county we work with has disclosed what the "intrusion" looks like. If, after full disclosure, one finds it intrusive, they are certainly not obligated to move forward. There are no unexpected visits or anything like that.

Yes, drugs and alcohol are major considerations. Many of the parents are already in the radar prior to the mother giving birth, so drug history is often known (to an extent) prior to placement through intervention (doctor visits, drug tests, etc.).


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## reaganmarsh (Jul 31, 2016)

I have to confess that I misread your title. I thought it said Thoughts on _Frosting_. 

My initial response was, "I prefer chocolate." 

As you were.


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## Edward (Jul 31, 2016)

I will yield to Mr. Foster's more direct expertise in this area. We did a direct foreign adoption, so the legal proceedings were all overseas and the follow up was only paperwork (except for that visit from the FBI). We did stay off the radar of the state.


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## Jack K (Jul 31, 2016)

Not everyone is cut out to be a foster parent. There are two central questions a prospective foster family might ask:

1. What might happen to us if we help this child?
2. What might happen to this child if we don't help?

Both are good questions. But my experience, based solely on observing a handful of foster families, is that those who are inclined to think mainly in terms of the second question make the best foster parents. And despite certain risks, great benefits for a foster parent's own children come simply from being raised in a home that thinks this way.


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## lynnie (Aug 1, 2016)

_Fostering while having young children can be difficult. We made the rule for ourselves that we would not consider anyone older than our oldest child. That has been a good rule of thumb._

When we adopted, we were told in the strongest possible way not to consider a child older than any of ours. The adopted one is always to be the youngest.

Having said that, I have seen one situation where an older child who had seemed Ok turned out to be a bully to the adoptive sibling. Jealousy perhaps, or just taking out anger on somebody helpless and "foreign". 

I would suggest you move forward without making any final commitments...if the Lord has put this on your hearts it is a wonderful thing, and you can take it slow.


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## nicnap (Aug 1, 2016)

We foster. Our rule is similar to the Fosters, except we will not accept any child older than our youngest. 

There are blessings and trials with fostering. You will not get all the information about a child up front; some of it comes as details in their fullness come to the social workers. Sometimes, you will not have all the information ever. Other times, you will receive information after a child has moved on from your care--information that would have been nice to have up front. You will become frustrated with the red tape and bureaucracy that will come with having foster children in your care. We do it to help the children; the red tape is a hassle that has almost caused us to quit, but hasn't yet. 

I think the questions Jack poses are good questions; though, there are other questions to take into consideration, some of which, you won't know to ask until after you've fostered for a while.


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## C. M. Sheffield (Aug 1, 2016)

My wife and I provided foster care in Florida years ago. We would not be open to doing it again. Adoption perhaps, but never foster care. Your first priority is for the safety and well-being of the children you already have. Being a foster parent is a loving thing to do, but it is not something that everyone can do. The state makes it even more difficult by forbidding godly discipline. I am very reluctant to say you should ever bring a child into your home with the state tying your hands in that way. First, it isn't good for the child who needs all the help they can get. Secondly, it sends a very confusing message to your young children who will be confused by the double standard in discipline. This can lead to other problems between them and your children. If your children were older (adolescent) and the child you were bringing in was very young, it would certainly mitigate some of the problems. But you are still going to be limited by the state in a most unhelpful way.


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## Pilgrim (Aug 1, 2016)

I can think of at least one family that began fostering after their children were grown and probably also completely out of the house. Of course, some wouldn't want to take that on at 50+ years of age.


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## Pergamum (Aug 1, 2016)

My parents took in about a dozen kids over a period of 3 years when I was 10-13 years old and when my sister was 15-18 years old.

The kids were very needy. I believe we helped them. We almost got to adopt one little girl, but her mom went through a special rehab program at the last moment to reclaim her and we were heart-broken. Very heart-broken, not only because we missed her after a year, but because we knew the lifestyle she'd be returning to. It still makes me angry and sad. The mother was a real low-life and I am sure that daughter grew up badly. 

One troubled girl pulled a knife on my sister. Several stole from us and buried things to horde them due to past poverty and even past starvation. One little girl stole our ham and buried it in our yard and we found gnaw marks on it. Several of the children were sexually abused and one little 5 year old girl who is now in prison for drugs was a chronic masturbator because a step-dad abused her and taught her how as a form of affection and she was starved for affection. My parents taped details of this abuse and sent it to a lawyer but the social workers (who were, by and large, very unlikable and perhaps calloused and themselves seemed to be poor mother figures) refused to prosecute the parents.

The State gave us a little money for each kid every month, and I have heard stories of people taking in foster kids to make money...but I cannot imagine how. Each of the kids we took in came with hardly any clothes and no toys. And I saw my dad working over-time and buying each child a full set of clothes and toys and I remember that we were not very well-off during that time. But each kid left our home with full suitcases, even though Christmases for me were more sparse. I remember the looks on the faces of the kids when they got toys of their own.

We had one of the foster kids look up my parents after adulthood and show up at their house in a suit to thank my parents. It was very moving. Another said that our house was the happiest years of their childhood before the state forced them to move on. 

I believe my parents came out the other side of it slightly broken though. There was a cost. It caused much stress and worry. My parents tried to make time for me, but family events often devolved into dysfunction due to some of the kids. Yet, over time, the kids adjusted and we functioned as a happy family with a few. After my parents were done, they said, "we are DONE...never again." We had arguments with the State and my dad cussed out a social worker. 

I believe I was able to learn appreciation and gratitude as an 11-year old boy seeing my parents take in these kids and seeing the environment of many of these kids. Also, after seeing all the sleazy mothers preferring parties and guys and drugs to their children within the foster system, I was very choosy with dating girls once in high school and college.


I would advise adoption or fostering on the way to adoption. But many kids were with us only for a few months and then they went back into a dysfunctional environment.


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## timfost (Aug 1, 2016)

Thanks, Perg.

One thing we have routinely done when we got "the phone call" is to sit down with the whole family, pray together and then ask each of our children individually their thoughts. It is a family decision, not a parent decision. We have also committed ourselves to each child before they come to live with us, so that everyone involved knows that once placed with us, they have a "forever home" if needed.

I also think that foster care has come a long way since Perg was little. Certainly there are problems, but it has been a fairly smooth experience for us. We have had some great case workers and some ignorant ones. With the ignorant ones, we keep their advisors informed and have a good relationship with the children's attorney.

One comment about discipline: Negative discipline is never "one-size-fits-all," even with our biological children. I believe that good parenting consists of discipline that is helpful for the child, not the same accross the board (compare Jude 22-23). For this reason, I have no problem with disciplining foster children differently than our biological children. Our biological children understand why, as we explain it to them, and the foster child's situation as age-appropriately as possible.


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## Ryan&Amber2013 (Aug 1, 2016)

Thank you all for your input. We also talked to our pastor, and I think we are seeing that right now is not the best time to do this, seeing that our son is only 6 months old. It is something we are interested in, but we are thinking that now is not a fitting time.


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## Miss Marple (Aug 2, 2016)

It sounds like you decision is made but I'd like to encourage you as well to only foster kids younger than your bios. The reason is that if they are older they simply have dominion and because they are often very damaged they will be in a position to greatly harm kids younger than themselves. Not so much the older. Be very aware of sexual abuse. It is a very rare thing for a younger child to sexually abuse an older one. My knowledge of this is anecdotal but I do think it is very important


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## Pergamum (Aug 3, 2016)

Miss Marple said:


> It sounds like you decision is made but I'd like to encourage you as well to only foster kids younger than your bios. The reason is that if they are older they simply have dominion and because they are often very damaged they will be in a position to greatly harm kids younger than themselves. Not so much the older. Be very aware of sexual abuse. It is a very rare thing for a younger child to sexually abuse an older one. My knowledge of this is anecdotal but I do think it is very important



I think this is good advice.


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## KMK (Aug 25, 2016)

Please read my family's story in the Pray Ye Like This Forum. Count the cost of yoking yourself with County bureaucrats, especially when you have biological children living in your home.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Pergamum (Aug 25, 2016)

I know that when my parents took in foster kids, that, even as an 11-year old, I was greatly offended at being questioned by a social worker about my parents' parenting skills and abilities. I remember pointing out my sense of shock and irony when I discovered that our social worker (and many that we encountered) were divorced women with children in daycare as they worked, and several had multiple kids from multiple men. As an 11-year I remember saying to my parents..."How did SHE become an expert on parenting?" Such questions were brief, however, and always in my parent's presence, for I did not trust them and neither did my parents and we had heard stories of social workers taking biological parents into rooms alone to question them and my parents warned me of this. 

While I support fostering, the way the government is getting, this may mean opening up your family into needless scrutiny by an increasingly intrusive State.


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