# Redneck Humor



## Solo Christo (Aug 16, 2005)

*Redneck IQ Test*

_I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:_ 

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane 
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or 
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO. 

3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front? 

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift? 

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer? 

_I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life. 

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... _


*Redneck Etiquette - DRIVING ETIQUETTE *

a.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 
b.. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 
c.. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. 
d.. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 
e.. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 
f.. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. 
g.. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. 


*PERSONAL HYGIENE* 
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. 
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. 
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. 


*DINING OUT*

a.. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours. 


*ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME* 

b.. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 

c.. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. 

d.. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. 


*THEATER ETIQUETTE* 

a.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 
b.. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 


*WEDDINGS* 

a.. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. 
b.. Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. 
c.. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. 
d.. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent. 
e.. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 


*TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS* 

a.. Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. 
b.. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 
c.. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. 
d.. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 
e.. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. 
f.. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. 
g.. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.


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## PuritanCovenanter (Aug 16, 2005)

Wow. I guess I am a stupid redneck from the North than. I didn't know any of this stuff.:bigsmile:


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## Bladestunner316 (Aug 16, 2005)




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## Average Joey (Aug 17, 2005)




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## biblelighthouse (Aug 17, 2005)

This is SCARY . . . I got all the answers RIGHT!


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