# READ THIS!!! (And forward to all your friends!)



## Semper Fidelis (Jun 11, 2009)

I just want to thank all you people that have sent me educational e-mails over the past several years.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. 

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. 

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. 

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. 

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. 

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. 

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. 

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. 

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. 

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life. 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. 

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. 

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . 

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. 

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. 

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. 

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off. 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician .. . .. 

Oh, by the way...... 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


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## Archlute (Jun 11, 2009)

Good thing I'm using my laptop's touch pad!


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## AThornquist (Jun 11, 2009)

Haha  YES! I was using the directional arrows to move the page down!!!


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## Rich Koster (Jun 11, 2009)

I checked Snopes, the scientist was actually in Brazil.


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## OPC'n (Jun 11, 2009)

I actually missed this email. Thanks for the info....I'll tuck it away in my draft section of my email....can't be too careful these days!


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## Southern Presbyterian (Jun 11, 2009)

This is great, Rich!

I know just the people to send this to.


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## Semper Fidelis (Jun 11, 2009)

Southern Presbyterian said:


> This is great, Rich!
> 
> I know just the people to send this to.



BTW, I didn't write the above (I wish I had). The irony is that I got this from somebody in my family who is the person that sends me all the above.


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## Craig (Jun 11, 2009)

> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..
> 
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.



Priceless! And guilty as charged!


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## Berean (Jun 11, 2009)

I just sent it to those people who always forward urban legends to me along with 8,000 exclamation points and ALL CAPS!!!!!!!!!


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## Grace Alone (Jun 11, 2009)




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## SolaScriptura (Jun 11, 2009)

That was rich, Rich!


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## nicnap (Jun 11, 2009)

Semper Fidelis said:


> Southern Presbyterian said:
> 
> 
> > This is great, Rich!
> ...



A few years ago, I "targeted" one family member who was sending me at least a dozen forwards everyday. In order to not single her out, I sent an email to everyone in my mailbox. I told them all that I didn't have time for forwards, and asked them kindly to never include my name on their forwarding lists...even if it meant that I was ashamed of Jesus, because I didn't want to send it on. 

The next day, the very person I was targeted sent me a reply: "Yeah, I hate forwards too."

I was so frustrated, but it seemed to work...mostly because I changed my email address.


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## VictorBravo (Jun 11, 2009)

Semper Fidelis said:


> Oh, by the way......
> 
> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..
> 
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.



Hah, didn't catch me. I'm using Dragon NaturallySpeaking and I don't even touch the mouse--so there.

BTW, you can add the "NutraSweet is ant poison" to the list too--although I actually sprinkled some on some ants a few years ago and they seemed to love it.


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## Joseph Scibbe (Jun 12, 2009)

> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..



I sure hope that is not true. I am caught red-handed!


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## Blue Tick (Jun 12, 2009)

No matter what I will never touch the handles in public restrooms with my bare hands!


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## dbroyles (Jun 12, 2009)

SolaScriptura said:


> That was rich, Rich!



...such a clever fellow!


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## nasa30 (Jun 12, 2009)

This is soooo good. I cannot stand these types of e-mails and I think I have received every one mentioned!


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