# How to minister to hopeless cases



## Caroline (Nov 12, 2012)

I wonder how other people manage ministry to people who, unless God works a miracle, are truly hopeless. And by this, I mean that they are what many would refer to as 'leeches'--taking whatever they can and then wanting more.

I've had to ask myself this many times over the past few years and again this week, and it is never easy. On the one hand, there is the biblical mandate to turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, etc. But what do you do when your cheeks are both slapped silly and the extra mile has turned into 50 extra miles with no end in sight?

I used to be much more optimistic about such people, thinking that if only I stuck by them, they would mature and change. But these days, I'm less optimistic that way, and I realize that some people just take and take and then, when you are out of things to take, they move on to the next person.

I will be vague about the situation (not that I think the person that it is about is likely to read this), but there is someone who has wandered the circle at our church a few times, and she is unquestionably mentally ill. For that, I have much sympathy. But she also shows no interest in getting better. Her constant belief is that it is our responsibility to provide her with the resources necessary to continue her homeless, meandering existence. She has lived with various church members for a few weeks at a time, but it has never led to an improvement in her situation.

She has frequently asked to live with me. And it is hard to shut the door, when it is cold outside and I know that she will likely spend the night on the street if I refuse. But the thing is that there are lots of places she could go but won't go--the city rescue mission, the room that she is renting, etc. And if I let her move in with me, that (a) puts my children at risk and (b) only permits a continuation of irresponsibility--as long as she has some place to go that doesn't charge her rent or demand that she take her psych meds, she will go there. But it seems heartless to shut the door on a woman on a cold night. It is difficult to do. I tell her, "Get on the bus. Go to the city mission. Go to your rented room." And I only hear a lengthy complaint about how people at those places are all against her and that I'm her only hope and why won't I do this for a sister in Christ?

Obviously, there are bigger issues here than just a woman needing a place to stay for the night--psychological issues that she has, etc. But I wonder... what do you do with those people? This is only one of many situations in which things seem impossible, and if you let someone, they will take everything you have and then ask why you don't have more. But then there are situations in which people just need some patience and kindness, and they get better.

How do you know? And what do you do when someone seems truly hopeless?


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## TylerRay (Nov 12, 2012)

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is to lovingly and prayerfully drop her on her rear end. Otherwise you are just enabling her.


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## JonathanHunt (Nov 12, 2012)

When we had to move on from one church to another after our call into the ministry, we discovered that some whom we had been generously ministering to for years with friendship and hospitality virtually turned on us for letting them down, rather than thanked us for all that we had done. Their true colours came out.

I agree with the previous comment. Your church has doubtless done all it can do, and tough love is required. If she has a place to stay, there is no reason why she must stay with you.


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## Miss Marple (Nov 12, 2012)

You have to include "do not cast your pearls before swine" in you consideration of scripture.

"Turning the other cheek," I think, refers to tolerating insult without becoming vengeful. I don't know that it means you have to continually support an ungrateful person.


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## bug (Nov 12, 2012)

For obvious reasons you wisely keep the details sparse, but at the same time that makes it impossible to make a good judgment. Generally speaking though we do not help people by simply caving in to their desires and cravings all the time. We certainly don't do that with our children, so why do it with someone in the church. If all her needs are actually met, ie she has a place to stay etc, then she needs help to learn to stand on her own too feet, and not a bed for the night in your house. It might that the best thing you could do for her is find a group that are skilled in dealing with cases like hers and refer her on, perhaps a christina charity of some sort?


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## Tim (Nov 12, 2012)

Caroline, it sounds like you feel "put on the spot" to decide one way or another (please forgive me if I am reading you incorrectly). 

What do your deacons say? It would seem to me that the starting point is that your deacons (and elders, since this is likely a spiritual issue too) should consider the situation, decide on the approach, and then announce this to the congregation (or all concerned parties) so that everyone may approach it similarly. It would make no sense if some people in the congregation are more "strict" and some are more "relaxed" in offering help. 

Has your church leadership come to a unified decision as to how this will be addressed? If this is a problem that has affected several members of the congregation, no one member should bear the responsibility to make a decision in isolation.


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## Caroline (Nov 12, 2012)

Yes, we probably should be more organized about it. It is difficult because the person in question would never directly approach the church for help, preferring instead to just show up randomly at homes late at night or walking up to us on the street asking whether we have a place for her to stay. That is really the worst problem--she will never agree to evaluation or work with an organization, and so efforts that way have always come to nothing. (Our deacons have helped some elderly and disabled people who benefited greatly from it and soon were able to care for themselves much better, but in this case, the person is ... well, hopeless).

I know intellectually that there really is nothing that can be done for her. It is hard knowing that she really might die shut out on the street that night because she won't go where she can get help, even though help is readily available. Part of the struggle with people who are mentally ill is to know how much control they have over it--can they do better if they wanted to? I suppose many of you have probably dealt with situations where someone presented themselves as being in immediate and temporary need: "I just need a little help right now... somewhere to stay for a few days... I'm looking for work... I'll get back on my feet....No one will help me..." And then you come to find out that this 'temporary problem' has been going on for ten years or more. They are always needing somewhere to stay for a few days, always looking for work, but quitting any job given to them, etc. There are often a long list of people who have already tried to help this individual get back on their feet, and none of them have succeeded yet, because, in reality, the person doesn't want to be on their own feet.

I have become increasingly convinced that for some people, homelessness is addictive. Some people truly suffer from it and need help to get out of a bad situation, but others have sorted out how to work the system to enable them to maintain it as a lifestyle. And I think a large part of the addiction is their view of themselves as victims. It is a touchy thing to say because I know better than most people how some homeless people really are victims of bad circumstances. But then, when I have reached out to help some of them, I find that they do not really want help. They want maintenance. For all their claims of doing their best, they really have no intention of improving and they are not even really unhappy with their lot in life. They like the freedom of irresponsibility.

It is a baffling problem to me. I cannot imagine anything more crushing than being shut out of someone's house and told, "Go to the city mission if you are cold." But then, in order to avoid that, I would do anything asked of me--visit doctors, sign up with charity organizations, etc. 

The bizarre thing is that most people that I have encountered who are like this have neither any idea how much trouble they are putting other people to, nor any idea of the insult of being turned away. Far from being crushed, they are scarcely even deterred, and it is only a few days until they return and start again, "See, I'm in some trouble right now and I'm out of money for food and haven't paid my rent. I quit my job because my boss was rude and..." etc, etc. They are impossible to embarrass and impossible to discourage. I do not even know how to answer it.


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## TylerRay (Nov 12, 2012)

Caroline said:


> Yes, we probably should be more organized about it. It is difficult because the person in question would never directly approach the church for help, preferring instead to just show up randomly at homes late at night or walking up to us on the street asking whether we have a place for her to stay. That is really the worst problem--she will never agree to evaluation or work with an organization, and so efforts that way have always come to nothing. (Our deacons have helped some elderly and disabled people who benefited greatly from it and soon were able to care for themselves much better, but in this case, the person is ... well, hopeless).
> 
> I know intellectually that there really is nothing that can be done for her. It is hard knowing that she really might die shut out on the street that night because she won't go where she can get help, even though help is readily available. Part of the struggle with people who are mentally ill is to know how much control they have over it--can they do better if they wanted to? I suppose many of you have probably dealt with situations where someone presented themselves as being in immediate and temporary need: "I just need a little help right now... somewhere to stay for a few days... I'm looking for work... I'll get back on my feet....No one will help me..." And then you come to find out that this 'temporary problem' has been going on for ten years or more. They are always needing somewhere to stay for a few days, always looking for work, but quitting any job given to them, etc. There are often a long list of people who have already tried to help this individual get back on their feet, and none of them have succeeded yet, because, in reality, the person doesn't want to be on their own feet.
> 
> ...



"... An object at rest will stay at rest ..."

I agree with Tim. Get your church officers involved. If this woman is constantly harassing/mooching on people at your church, then you all need guidance on it, and a concerted effort.


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## a mere housewife (Nov 12, 2012)

Oh Caroline, it sounds like the people on your church have tried their best to stand in her life holding a sign that says 'Christ welcomes you'. And perhaps that is the most we can ever really do for people whose mental and physical and spiritual issues are such that we simply find at some point we are not equipped to deal with them. They need help beyond what we can give; and we cannot make them willing to receive it. Only God can minister to hopeless causes. If you keep her in your heart, pray for her, you will not have turned her away from the help she most needs that you are able to give.


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## Scott1 (Nov 12, 2012)

There is no simple answer, and things that can seem improbable certainly can happen, especially in the Kingdom of God.
The most basic need is point them to God and neighbor, and away from self preoccupation. Serving and loving God and neighbor. Don't try to take upon yourself the responsibility to do that for them. Pray, be faithful, and leave results to God.

If they profess to be a believer, curiously, you may find one fruitful place to start is discussing obedience and the delight in the sabbath.


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## py3ak (Nov 12, 2012)

People need different kinds of help, and not everyone is equipped to give all kinds of help. There are situations I don't have the resources to deal with, so the help I can give will be mostly in the way of referrals/transportation to the places with those resources. I wouldn't feel badly, for instance, if someone came to my door running from an abusive boyfriend for calling the police - they are the ones equipped to deal with a situation like that. The shelter for battered women is likely to provide better security than I can. 
Mental illness is somewhat similar: you can extend sympathy, you can provide referrals, you can transport someone to where they need to be; but realistically, you cannot prescribe needed medications, the infrastructure of your house is not set up to handle all special needs, what might be helpful in ordinary cases could even prove harmful here. It is very difficult, and one always wonders if one is being sane or just selfish, but in the long run providing help that does no harm could well be more effective than providing indiscriminate help.
The homeless mission our church has been involved with for the past 12 years can be a tough place - I've seen people kicked out on to the street for what seemed like a minor point. Of course, I've also seen the cops come out because one guy attacked another. But there has been a steady trickle of people whose lives are quite different now because of the help provided them there. And it seems that the structure, the discipline, the insistence on conditions is part of it.


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