# On Parenting



## greenbaggins (Oct 23, 2008)

Last night my wife and I had a good discussion about parenting, and some fairly decent thoughts came out of that which I'd like to share. 

Firstly, and most importantly, parenting is by grace from first to last. I think there are few temptations more alluring than to try to parent children without practical grace. We think that our effort comes first, and then God picks up where we leave off. As a result, we get frustrated when the behavior of the child doesn't change. We also then set up heart idolatries of what we want our household to look like, and get frustrated and angry with God when they don't materialize. 

Secondly, speaking of behavior, we get WAY too wrapped up in considerations of behavior without realizing that behavior is always symptomatic of the heart, which is the real problem. See the outstanding discussions of this in Tedd Tripp's book, and the general outlines of this problem among all people in Paul Tripp's book (Paul and Tedd are brothers, by the way). These two books are, I think, two of the most important books to read about parenting. 

So, practically speaking, what we came to was a realization that we don't love our children enough. We would rather take the easy way out and issue a warning rather than a spanking for something we know that they know is wrong. This has the effect of making the children want to play the fence the whole time to see how far they can go. Children need to know that those boundaries are cast in bronze. It makes them feel more secure. 

Furthermore, we found out that we need to tie in discipline to the Gospel. Our daughter Ila has been asking the perfect question as a lead-in to the gospel, "Why do I do these wicked things?" (She's not quite 5 years old). What a perfect opportunity to talk to her about Adam and what he passed on to us, showing the problem to which Christ is the solution! It takes time, of course, to tie in discipline with the Gospel. I am convinced, however, that if we were to do that more often, the child would see that discipline really is an act of love, and they would see God's grace more clearly. If they do, of course, it is due not primarily to our good parenting, but to God's grace in opening their eyes. I am merely saying that this is a good way to share the gospel with children.


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## VirginiaHuguenot (Oct 23, 2008)

brother! As William Plumer says to parents, "Teach well, rule well, live well, pray well." May the grace of God season us as we teach our children, and may they know His saving grace which above all things is the work of the Holy Spirit. 

Internet Archive: Details: How to bring up children


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## LadyFlynt (Oct 23, 2008)

Has anyone read this yet? http://familymatters.net/resources/Grace-Based_Parenting/index.asp


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## Heldveld (Oct 23, 2008)

Thanks for the information. 

I really benefited from Tedd Tripp's book as well. It definitely makes you think about the values you express in your punishments. I still find myself using the 'you won't do this', 'you won't get this', or 'you will lose this' types of punishment. I guess I should use that to talk to my children about what Adam passed on to Dad as well.


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## Semper Fidelis (Oct 24, 2008)

greenbaggins said:


> Last night my wife and I had a good discussion about parenting, and some fairly decent thoughts came out of that which I'd like to share.
> 
> Firstly, and most importantly, parenting is by grace from first to last. I think there are few temptations more alluring than to try to parent children without practical grace. We think that our effort comes first, and then God picks up where we leave off. As a result, we get frustrated when the behavior of the child doesn't change. We also then set up heart idolatries of what we want our household to look like, and get frustrated and angry with God when they don't materialize.
> 
> ...



I could echo so much of the above sentiment.

I've even noticed a certain "competition" among Christian parents that tends to make one prideful about the behavior of our kids. New visitors will come in who have not been blessed with the benefit of the wisdom of the Word regarding parenting but the attitude is: "We don't do nurseries here - we make sure our kids are disciplined enough to sit through the whole service with their hands folded...."

I consistently have to remind myself that my children's discipline isn't about a badge that I wear about me but is toward the end that they would love the Lord. We've understood the end of our parenting for a while but you are so right to note how lazy we often get. I hate having to administer corporal discipline but I often don't love my child enough to overcome my dislike for it.

I also have to continually remind myself that, in the end, this isn't about a broken will that cowers under the thumb of my rule. I want my children to understand that I discipline them because I love them. I want them to understand this is about grace. I want them to hear Daddy or Mommy repent when we sin in anger in our discipline instead of administering it in love.

Without the Gospel, I'm convinced I could make my children the best behaved souls that are twice as fit for Hell.


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## Pergamum (Oct 24, 2008)

Semper Fidelis said:


> greenbaggins said:
> 
> 
> > Last night my wife and I had a good discussion about parenting, and some fairly decent thoughts came out of that which I'd like to share.
> ...



_I also have to continually remind myself that, in the end, this isn't about a broken will that cowers under the thumb of my rule. I want my children to understand that I discipline them because I love them. I want them to understand this is about grace._

Amen Rich! 





I have had folks that actually sounded proud of how consistently they whip their kids...not due to the results but due to their faithfulness at physical discipline. I find this troubling.

ANd yes, I have seen kids be trained to be very quiet - which often means passive...almost like the fear of discipline has driven all initiative and fun away from the kids....naturally many of them would have no trouble sitting still for a whole church service instead of my son that wants to bounce on my lap and ask me what the preacher is doing every 5 minutes and dance to the hymns and look where I am loking in the Bible......Different kids have different energy levels and I think some churches I seen have attempted to make quiet, passive, non-resistant, non-curious as norms when these are anything but healthy traits in a child.

Relationship and love comes first before all rules and adding rules and strcitness without adding love will open the gate in our childrens heart to allow in rebellion. Yes, indeed, grace from first to last and all things done in love.


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## Semper Fidelis (Oct 24, 2008)

Right. My opinion on my children is that they'll sit through Church eventually and I no longer get anxious about it. I know some parents that insist their children remain with them through the whole service as early as possible but I work with them gradually toward that end. It is more important that I hear the Word than try to deal with a toddler every 2 minutes (or longer if I have to remove them from the service for regular discipline). I think some people forget that there was a court for women and children in the Temple.


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## ReformedWretch (Oct 24, 2008)

> I also have to continually remind myself that, in the end, this isn't about a broken will that cowers under the thumb of my rule. I want my children to understand that I discipline them because I love them.



QFT!

And oh that all parents (or childcare workers would honestly strive for such.


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## Pergamum (Oct 24, 2008)

Qft?


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## ReformedWretch (Oct 24, 2008)

lol, I figured that would make someone ask

It's internet jargon for "Quoted for truth"


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