# Childrearing in the Reformed Way?



## Nse007

Hi guys,

My wife (Tami007) wants to know if there are any Reformed minded/slanted books on early-infant child rearing (from age 0-24 months). For example, how to deal with excessive crying (the baby), breastfeeding (on deand vs. scheduled) and things of that nature. Interested to get your thoughts.

Love, peace and hairgrease


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## Backwoods Presbyterian

Here is a couple Good resources...

Jay Adams "Christian Living in the Home"

Jean Fleming "MOTHERS HEART"


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## ServantOfKing

I have heard good things about books by Gary Ezzo such as BabyWise and the Growing Kids God's Way programs. BUT I have also heard a lot of bad things too. Most people who recommend it say to read with discretion. The program advocates "parent directed feeding."
My husband and I are expecting a baby in October so I am glad you asked this question too!


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## Reformed Covenanter

Nse007 said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> My wife (Tami007) wants to know if there are any Reformed minded/slanted books on early-infant child rearing (from age 0-24 months). For example, how to deal with excessive crying (the baby), breastfeeding (on deand vs. scheduled) and things of that nature. Interested to get your thoughts.
> 
> Love, peace and hairgrease



There was a thread recently were Rev. Bruce Buchanan dealt with this issue (excellently in my opinion), though I am not sure which one it was. Maybe someone else can dig it out.


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## Zadok

I can only speak from personal experience - and our experience is that the books that speak to this issue speak contrary things and can not only confuse but also lead to a great deal of heartache. What my wife and I came to realise is that each child is different and how you deal with them will therefore also differ. 

Generally speaking though when babies cry there is a reason for their crying - hunger, wind, some other pain etc. so take their crying seriously. For older babies, once these factors have been discounted, then if the crying is persistent and over a long period of time, it may be wise to ignore the baby's crying because this could be a cry merely for attention.

As for feeding it seems to be the politically correct thing to breastfeed (in the UK there is government sponsored program in hospitals to get all new mums breastfeeding) but again we need a level head. If it is possible (and sometimes physically it is not) then it may be the best thing, but there are other considerations - mum's health, father's involvement etc.. 

As to the pattern of feeding - again I think that wisdom must dictate. We fed ours on demand when they were very young and then stretched them to an interval of 4 hours between feeds and they adapted very well.

Trust that this helps.

BTW re: The Gary Ezzo book - I would not bother if I were you.


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## Kevin

We read Ezzo, back in the day, & found it helpfull. However some people that I have known read it & it seemed like they had just joined Amway! You couldn't stand to be around them, it was all they talked about.

My advice is not worry about finding the "right book", that will give you everything you need to know from a reformed perspective. It doesn't exist.

Rather find some (older) friends who have a few kids already who are (both husband & wife) godly, and seem to be doing a good job. Spend time with them & ask them questions. Observe how they deal with issues. This will be the best help to you.

Also try to avoid any couple that promote themslves as "experts" in any aspect of parenting. Count on it they never are. In my expirience they are just advocates of some "system' that they will try to "sell' you on adopting. Just find a normal older couple who love the Lord & are doing as good a job as they can.


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## LadyFlynt

Avoid Ezzo, Pearls, and their ilk like the plague. I've been there, done that.

For infancy, there is no real specifically "reformed" place, but there are places with excellent information. Mothering.com, Kellymom.com.

I agree with Kevin in avoiding any "experts". If you need a book, Sears is good and the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (LLL) is considered the "breasfeeding bible" in that it covers EVERY issue a mother can come across on the issue.


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## JBaldwin

I agree with JC and Kevin. The best advice I get are from my mother and other folks who have raised children. When it comes to things like eating schedules and breastfeeding, you have to find out what works best for you, your family and your child. When it came to my children, I had to throw the "feed on a strict schedule" idea out the window, because I have two children with extremely high metabolisms, and they literally needed to eat more and more often than what the books said. If I had followed the books (which I tried to do for awhile), my children would have starved.


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## N. Eshelman

I would avoid Ezzo as well. He was excommunicated from MacArthur's church. I cannot imagine that an ex-communicant would be able to tell us much about 'raising kids God's way'. 

Ezzo.info: Evaluating Ezzo Programs Including Babywise and Growing Kids God's Way


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## Pergamum

From some Reformed circles I have heard advice that makes it sound like the more reformed one is is equatable to how big the stick is that they beat their children with. 

"I spank and I homeschool and I only run with folks who do.." Oh yes, and add the strict scheduling too...if baby cries for 5 hours at night, don't you dare pick that baby up until the allotted time!




However, to be fair..the Netherlands just passed a law that makes it illlegal to spank, making some of my good friends into habitual criminals.


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## N. Eshelman

*Some Parenting Books*

A number of months ago I had a friend email with some questions about which books I would reccomend for parenting. Here is what I wrote: 

*_Raising Children God's Way_ by Martyn Lloyd-Jones.
This book is new, but is from some sermons that were preached a number of years ago. His style is good and he shows the importance of a godly home (one chapter will not apply. It is on unbelievers in the home.)
* _Shepherding a Child's Heart _by Paul Tripp.
This book is the must have for learning to use the Word of God as the means of Discipline instead of your own thoughts. It helps to show how using Scripture when disciplining connects the discipline to God and not to your own authority.
_The Duties of Parents_ by Jacobus Koelman.
This book was first published in 1679, but is timeless. It was translated from Dutch in 2003. It discusses the reason God has designed parenting all the way to various promises that parents can claim for their children. There are good discussions on how to train them in godliness as well and giving Christian instruction in the home.
_Christian Living in the Home_ by Jay E Adams.
This book is helpful in more areas than just parenting. It gives concise chapters on husbands, wives, leadership, submission, and other areas as well. It is important to look at child rearing in the scope of all of the Scriptures and this book does this for you.
_The Christian Father At Home _by WC Brownlee.
This book is another classic. It was written in 1837 originally. This book shows that the father's NUMBER ONE duty is to show the way of salvation to his children. The book helps fathers to discuss, demonstrate, and model what a sinner redeemed by grace looks like. (This is where the rubber hits the road, so to speak, many dads can talk the talk, but are they living out a life of redemption applied in their home? Many do not.)
_Proverbs for Parenting_ by Barbara Decker.
This book is an arrangement of the book of Proverbs into sections that are applicable to Christian parenting. It is worth having just because the work of categorizing Proverbs is done for you. (I would not start here though).
*_ Help to Domestic Happiness_ by John Angell James.
This is another Nate-classic. He also deals with a lot of other issues in the home, but look at chapters 5 and 6 especially. This book also has the old-school oddety of a chapter for servants in the home. James also writes a book just for women that is really good as well called Female Piety.
_Of Domestical Duties_ by William Gouge. This is another classic, but needs to be updates with current illustrations. If you are not used to reading old writing, save this one for later. I LOVE it, but it is hard even for a reader of the Puritans. Someone has put it online, but the format is super ugly. It can found here._
Don't Make Me Count to Three_ by Ginger Plowman.
This is a really new book. It was recently on James Dobson's show (so they tell me). It takes a biblical counseling approach to parenting and also gives the 'rebuke the children with the Word' approach. Many people forget that we have no authority over our children just because they are our offspring, but because God has entrusted us to raise them to his glory and honor! (Lydia just finished this one and liked it a lot.)
_Praise Her in the Gates_ by Nancy Wilson.
This book is especially for women. It shows the importance of being a godly mother as well as how to train your children in many biblical virtues. I have profited from a lot that the Wilsons have penned.
* _Standing on the Promises_ by Douglas Wilson.
This book shows the importance of building a Christian culture in the home. Children will not be raised to honor the Lord Jesus in a home that is Sunday-Christian at best. Wilson helps to fight against this while aiding in the rearing of covenant children. The cover says, " The norm for faithful members of the covenant is that their children will follow them in their faithfulness. Unless we reestablish faithful Christian culture in countless homes, we will never reestablish it anywhere."

I hope that this helps. I am sure that others will come to mind and I can send them off. This list may seem to be overwhelming, but I think that they are all reasonable reads. I have starred the three that I would begin with. I will also put this list on PRESBYTERIAN THOUGHTS to see what some of my readers can come up with.

With humility and for Christ's Honor,
Nate


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## 5solasmom

Zadok said:


> I can only speak from personal experience - and our experience is that the books that speak to this issue speak contrary things and can not only confuse but also lead to a great deal of heartache. What my wife and I came to realise is that each child is different and how you deal with them will therefore also differ.
> 
> Generally speaking though when babies cry there is a reason for their crying - hunger, wind, some other pain etc. so take their crying seriously. For older babies, once these factors have been discounted, then if the crying is persistent and over a long period of time, it may be wise to ignore the baby's crying because this could be a cry merely for attention.
> 
> 
> 
> BTW re: The Gary Ezzo book - I would not bother if I were you.



Ditto.

I would highly recommend an older book called Heart and Home: A Reaffirmation of Traditional Mothering by Debra Evans. Not reformed, but Christian - written by a seasoned and wise mom.

Also, many of the books recommended by nleshelman are excellent.


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## Jon Peters

I would echo much of the advice given. Specifically, avoid the Ezzos. We tried with our first and it made everything more difficult. Not to mention that back then they really twisted the Scriptures to support their suppositions (don't pick up a crying baby because the Father turned his back on the Son while he was on the cross). I finally threw away all the books I was so disgusted. Slavishly following somebody else's program can have the negative effect of not allowing you to enjoy your baby. You are so busy following the rules you forget to just hold or play with him or her. Have fun and relax and try not to be so uptight, these little things are pretty tough!


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## FenderPriest

I'm trying to track down some messages from Marty Machowski, one of the pastors at my church who oversees children's ministry. I've been wanting them anyways, but they could provide some help. We took a class from him recently that gave an overview of the Biblical model for parenting children, from newborn to adult. Anyhow, you can find some of his stuff on parenting here. I hope this helps in some way.


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## Soonerborn

Jon Peters said:


> I would echo much of the advice given. Specifically, avoid the Ezzos. We tried with our first and it made everything more difficult. Not to mention that back then they really twisted the Scriptures to support their suppositions (don't pick up a crying baby because the Father turned his back on the Son while he was on the cross). I finally threw away all the books I was so disgusted. Slavishly following somebody else's program can have the negative effect of not allowing you to enjoy your baby. You are so busy following the rules you forget to just hold or play with him or her. Have fun and relax and try not to be so uptight, these little things are pretty tough!



Ditto for us. After the birth of our first child, we had many of our friends recommend Ezzo and Babywise. We tried it, and the material ended up in the garbage when our 2nd child was born. 

We have 3 children and each experience has been better for us. There is something about that first child! I am a CPA and tend to overanalyze everthing. With my first child, I was keeping spreadsheets of the number of dirty diapers, feeding schedules, napping times, etc, etc.


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## LadyFlynt

Yes, with the first 1-3 children, I wanted to be the "perfect mother" with the "perfect children". Stupid Sheep! (speaking of myself  )

I'm about to have my 8th...I laugh now at my previous self, and cry that I sometimes didn't do things differently, and rejoice that God has been changing me.


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## ServantofGod

LadyFlynt said:


> Avoid Ezzo, Pearls, and their ilk like the plague. I've been there, done that.
> 
> For infancy, there is no real specifically "reformed" place, but there are places with excellent information. Mothering.com, Kellymom.com.
> 
> I agree with Kevin in avoiding any "experts". If you need a book, Sears is good and the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (LLL) is considered the "breasfeeding bible" in that it covers EVERY issue a mother can come across on the issue.



Oh c'mon! We all know the Pearl's are the infallible, all-knowing gurus on this one!


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## Stephen

I would advise against Esso as well. There are some good books on child-rearing, like, Tripps books, but most of this is sanctified common sense. You certainly do not need a book to tell you something is wrong when a two year old child is not walking. Be careful with the "experts."


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## 5solasmom

Jon Peters said:


> I would echo much of the advice given. Slavishly following somebody else's program can have the negative effect of not allowing you to enjoy your baby. You are so busy following the rules you forget to just hold or play with him or her. Have fun and relax and try not to be so uptight, these little things are pretty tough!




Hey Jon! 

I agree. We regret a lot of how we parented our first one that first year. I rarely enjoyed her because the schedule was paramount. There are people who've used their materials w/o that problem, but it seems to be the exception from those I've known or read of. It's very easy to slip into the mindset of believing that the methods in Ezzo really are *best* and that other methods are inferior (and unbiblical). I ended up feeling "trapped" with following Ezzo stuff, even when it wasn't "working" after following it to a T and struggling, because the only "alternative" in my mind was uber attachment parenting. I've learned that's not the case at all - there is a lot of room for balance btw the two...

I'm sure you weren't expecting to see this thread delve so much into the Ezzo's, but I know for me I so much want to see other parents spared some of the pitfalls that are so easy to fall into through using it. 

Blessings to you both as you seek the Lord's will in this.


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## Contra_Mundum

Always, always, always... beware of _categorical_ statements!

Seriously, the best approach is to get hold of standard reference works (i.e. not a "Christian" book) on things like breastfeeding, home-remedies, etc. This is a perfect place to note that the "world" has accumulated a reserve of "natural" wisdom that Christians should take advantage of. Might even be a Christian who wrote the book (or not), but the book is for "everybody."

As far as the rearing goes, you do far better with books that focus on principles, rather than formulas. Prescriptive books (and the ezzo's book is just one obvious example) are examples of legalisms parading as spiritual rubrics. If there is a "God's way" (which would naturally be the 'reformed' way, if there was such), then it would be SINFUL no to follow it! Do you want that kind of pressure? Especially if it's manufactured?

How to choose your Christian-behavioral-experts? Look at the publisher of the book, what sort of stuff does this group put out generally. Note the author's background (if available); what gives him/her any clout to speak? And ask at your church, the "successful" parents, the pastor, etc. Take from the old and the new.

Remember, there are no shortcuts to being a good parent, no cookie-cutter approach, no reductionistic plug-ins that will churn out "decent" kids. Inflexible parents may produce highly disciplined little soldiers, but the cost may be higher than anticipated. And then there is the rebellion--hidden or overt--that comes out of that mold.

And you will not be perfect anyway. So start praying now that God will sanctify your sin-tainted efforts, and even your sinFUL efforts (losing your temper, bad example, etc) to the blessing of your child. Let the Spirit rear your child through you.


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