# Christian hospitality stretched too far?



## gordo (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi guys.

I have a Christian friend who is really struggling with a situation. Her husband has an old friend who always comes and stays with them and kinda lives off them. He's a nice chap and his family has kinda abandoned him and he really doesn't have any friends. He is kinda a 'poor me' case. He doesn't go to church but says he's a Christian. My friend tells him that he will meet other Christians if he goes to church but he never goes. He isn't poor by any means, but he always comes over and stays because I spose he is lonely.

This is causing my friend some grief. She has no problem helping out those in need (and she does), but this guy when staying with them just sits in their basement. He is a bit lazy. He doesn't really try to in anyway get connected with a church or community of believers. My friend thinks her husband needs to kinda get tough with him and say he needs to get his life figured out and quit being pitiful or stop coming by. The husband fires back with comments about her being un-Christian and un-compassionite. He throws Matthew 25:31-40 at her. Her view is that they are enabling this guy's sin by letting him have a free ride at their house. The kicker is that the husband travels during the week so alot of the time it is the wife that is left to deal with this guest.

Just looking for some good sound biblical advice I could share with her. Of course a Christian should serve others, especially other believers, but at what point do you use a little tough love?

Thanks for any info and advice.


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## Tim (Nov 15, 2011)

Well, for one thing, I believe it to be quite insensitive (and improper) of your friend to put his wife in such a situation.


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## gordo (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Tim

Thanks for the reply. I really like my friends husband, but I said something similar to her that you just said. It kinda seems like her husbands issue and perhaps he needs to 'get tough' with his friend. He thinks he is doing his Christian duty by letting this guy come and go and stay as long as he needs.

It's a tough situation as my friend is really tearing herself apart inside. She goes from anger to annoyance at this guy to then feeling selfish and sinful for having these thoughts about the guest.


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## Berean (Nov 15, 2011)

gordo said:


> who always comes and stays with them and kinda lives off them.



How often and for how long does he invite himself to move into their home (basement)? How old is he, and does he have a job? Are you saying that he doesn't have his own place? If it were me, I'd sure feel awkward and embarrassed taking advantage of this couple and interfering in their lives. How can he be 'in need' if he 'isn't poor by any means'?


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## gordo (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Norm

This chap is in his mid-thirties. He has a house, job and truck. I don't know all the details. This all kinda just came to my attention today when my friend was brought to tears today explaining the situation. I think the issue is he is lonely (he lives in a different city). Apparently he has no friends. And as said above, he doesn't want to go to church to meet people. 

It also sounds like this chap might be a "I'm a Christian. I said the sinners prayer so I am good to go." type Christian. Either way I just feel for my friend. It was on my heart to try and give her some comfort on whether she needs to endure or if she needs to tell her husband that something needs to change. As always, the sound advice from the Puritanboard is something I value.


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## jwithnell (Nov 15, 2011)

Seems like you need a man-to-man talk with the husband. This is not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. And a Christian who refuses to go to church is likely either very spiritually poor or is not a believer at all. The gospel needs to be front and center with this guy. I'm also wondering if there might be something else in play here -- depression maybe? But the spiritual problems need to be addressed first.


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## MarieP (Nov 15, 2011)

Would 2 Thessalonians 3:6-15 have any bearing on the situation?



> 6 But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us. 7 For you yourselves know how you ought to follow us, for we were not disorderly among you; 8 nor did we eat anyone’s bread free of charge, but worked with labor and toil night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, 9 not because we do not have authority, but to make ourselves an example of how you should follow us.
> 
> 10 For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat. 11 For we hear that there are some who walk among you in a disorderly manner, not working at all, but are busybodies. 12 Now those who are such we command and exhort through our Lord Jesus Christ that they work in quietness and eat their own bread.
> 
> 13 But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good. 14 And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. 15 Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.


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## Tim (Nov 15, 2011)

gordo said:


> Either way I just feel for my friend. It was on my heart to try and give her some comfort on whether she needs to endure or if she needs to tell her husband that something needs to change.



Gord, I believe the first thing that needs to change (based on my limited knowledge) is the husband's relationship with his wife. If you have a situation in which this wife is confiding in you and weeping in front of you, I would be very careful about this sort of communication. I am NOT saying that you have done anything wrong, but she needs to be confiding with her husband, not you. You wouldn't want it to be that she finds you more of a comfort than her own husband.

Do you think you can direct your efforts to encouraging her to discuss this with her husband, and to encouraging the husband to be sensitive to her plight?

Do you have elders and/or deacons from which you can seek advice? Do you attend the same church as they?


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## gordo (Nov 15, 2011)

JWithnell,

Thank you for the reply. Although I don't know if I know the husband well enough to chat with him about this, I fully agree with your assessment on the guest and his walk with the Lord. I will definitely share this with my friend and maybe suggest that her husband should talk to his friend about his Christian walk.

Marie,

Praise God and God bless you for sharing that scripture. It seems to hit the nail on the head.

---------- Post added at 08:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:17 PM ----------




Tim said:


> gordo said:
> 
> 
> > Either way I just feel for my friend. It was on my heart to try and give her some comfort on whether she needs to endure or if she needs to tell her husband that something needs to change.
> ...



Hi Tim

Thank you for the reply.

I will encourage my friend to discuss this with her husband. You are right. She needs to be telling her husband how she feels, more then her friend. Just to put it out there for clarity, this friend was an early influence for me in my Christian walk. She is 20 years older then I and is more of a motherly friend then anything. Almost a family friend.

No, we don't attend the same church. I will share some of the thoughts and scripture on this thread. Hopefully that will help.

God bless you all.


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## Tim (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for the further info on the nature of the relationship. I am sure you can be a blessing in this situation.


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## Todd King (Nov 15, 2011)

MarieP said:


> Would 2 Thessalonians 3:6-15 have any bearing on the situation?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## kvanlaan (Nov 15, 2011)

One other thing - if the husband travels during the week and the wife is at home with the guy, it is simply inappropriate for her to be alone with him all week. I think it's time for him to man up and put his house in order (that means getting his buddy out and putting his wife back in the position of honour she deserves, not as someone to wait on his chum).


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## jogri17 (Nov 15, 2011)

Yes Christians are to be hospitable, but that doesn't mean encouraging sloth. First, I don't think its unchristian to kick someone out of your home for poor behaviour. Eventually if you let him stay you really loose the right to complain. Second, Ask him to pitch in for a meal during his stay if is a regular thing. That is more than reasonable and compassionate. An example from my life is when I took a seminary course in Montréal, I stayed with a pastor. He kindly said I don't know what your expectations are, but we can provide you breakfast and you are welcome to join us for food and prayer, but the rest has to be up to you. He offered to give me a lift to the grocerystore and let me use the kitchen. 

Letting yourself get taken advantage of is not a christian virtue. If we sacrifice all for one person, how can we be able to help others?


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## gordo (Nov 16, 2011)

Thanks for all the sound advice. It is greatly appreciated. 

I don't know the full situation so I don't want to get ahead of myself. I was looking for advice for her and I got it! 

But I only really have one side of the story so I will try not to pass judgment too quickly. I like her husband but don't know him too well and have never met the guest. Either way it was on my heart today as she was upset and it is something that needs to be dealt with.

Thanks again and God bless.

---------- Post added at 10:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:36 PM ----------




jogri17 said:


> Yes Christians are to be hospitable, but that doesn't mean encouraging sloth. First, I don't think its unchristian to kick someone out of your home for poor behaviour. Eventually if you let him stay you really loose the right to complain. Second, Ask him to pitch in for a meal during his stay if is a regular thing. That is more than reasonable and compassionate. An example from my life is when I took a seminary course in Montréal, I stayed with a pastor. He kindly said I don't know what your expectations are, but we can provide you breakfast and you are welcome to join us for food and prayer, but the rest has to be up to you. He offered to give me a lift to the grocerystore and let me use the kitchen.
> 
> Letting yourself get taken advantage of is not a christian virtue. If we sacrifice all for one person, how can we be able to help others?



Great advice!

---------- Post added at 10:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:37 PM ----------




kvanlaan said:


> One other thing - if the husband travels during the week and the wife is at home with the guy, it is simply inappropriate for her to be alone with him all week. I think it's time for him to man up and put his house in order (that means getting his buddy out and putting his wife back in the position of honour she deserves, not as someone to wait on his chum).



Thanks for the reply Kevin. Hehe. I don't think she really has to wait on him, but the situation still seems very awkward when it's just her and the guest.


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## Pergamum (Nov 16, 2011)

gordo said:


> Hi guys.
> 
> I have a Christian friend who is really struggling with a situation. Her husband has an old friend who always comes and stays with them and kinda lives off them. He's a nice chap and his family has kinda abandoned him and he really doesn't have any friends. He is kinda a 'poor me' case. He doesn't go to church but says he's a Christian. My friend tells him that he will meet other Christians if he goes to church but he never goes. He isn't poor by any means, but he always comes over and stays because I spose he is lonely.
> 
> ...






You wrote:



> He throws Matthew 25:31-40 at her




This is Matthew 15:31-40:




> 31When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
> 
> 32And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
> 
> ...




Who are these brethren of which the Lord is talking?

I believe they are poor Christian itinerants going around preaching the Gospel; not just any poor person off the street.

If you give a drink of water and help to those spreading the Gospel, it is the same as giving hospitality to the Lord.

Thus, this man misapplies the verse unless he has come in the name of the Lord and is suffering poverty due to his calling.


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## J. Dean (Nov 16, 2011)

jogri17 said:


> Yes Christians are to be hospitable, but that doesn't mean encouraging sloth. First, I don't think its unchristian to kick someone out of your home for poor behaviour. Eventually if you let him stay you really loose the right to complain. Second, Ask him to pitch in for a meal during his stay if is a regular thing. That is more than reasonable and compassionate. An example from my life is when I took a seminary course in Montréal, I stayed with a pastor. He kindly said I don't know what your expectations are, but we can provide you breakfast and you are welcome to join us for food and prayer, but the rest has to be up to you. He offered to give me a lift to the grocerystore and let me use the kitchen.
> 
> Letting yourself get taken advantage of is not a christian virtue. If we sacrifice all for one person, how can we be able to help others?


I could not have said it better myself.

Charity is good; charity that feeds dependence, self-pity, or sloth is not charity.


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## gordo (Nov 18, 2011)

God bless you all for your responses! The situation is in the process of being dealt with in a Christian manner.


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