# Irish Humor



## C. Matthew McMahon (Apr 18, 2004)

You gotta love the Irish!
This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.


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## luvroftheWord (Apr 18, 2004)

That's dang funny!

You know what an Irishman is? A Scot that can swim!


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## Irishcat922 (May 3, 2004)

An Irish man goes into a bar and orders martini after martini, as he finishes his martinis he tosses the olives in a jar, when the jar is full he gets up to leave. The Bartender asks &quot; Friend what are you doing?&quot; the Irish man responds &quot; oh me wife sent me out for a jar of olives.&quot;


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## blhowes (May 3, 2004)

Don't know how I missed this thread last month! I've gotta pay closer attention.

[b:450b97a485]Paul wrote:[/b:450b97a485]
how many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I give up. How many?

Playing the straight man,
Bob


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## cupotea (May 3, 2004)

[quote:e858bc7170][i:e858bc7170]Originally posted by Paul manata[/i:e858bc7170]
how many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [/quote:e858bc7170]

It depends if they are Baptist. If they are Irish Baptist, then the answer would be an entire congregation. A Committee on Committees made up of 5 members has to create a Building and Grounds Committee made up of 5 members and a Finance Committee made up of 5 members. The Building &amp; Grounds Committee has to consult the Finance Committee if their is money in the budget. If their is money in the budget, then the request needs to be presented to the church at its quarterly business meeting. A majority vote is then required by the membership to give the Building and Grounds Committee authorization to purchase the light bulb.

By that time, a little old lady who is a charter member borrowed her son's ladder and changed it herself.


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## Irishcat922 (May 3, 2004)

Two Irish men got a job in a sawmill, one called out to his friend &quot;hey Sean, I lost one of my fingers.&quot; How'd did you do that Mick? I just touched this big spinnin thing here like this.. oops there goes another one.


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## duke (May 4, 2004)

Funny,

I heard Webmaster's supposed &quot;actual transcript&quot; with the Americans in the role that the British have and the British in the role that the Irish have.

Guess it would work with many nations. 

Duke.


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## duke (May 4, 2004)

How do you spot an Irish man in a carwash?


He's the one on the motorcycle.


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## duke (May 4, 2004)

Did you hear about the Irish man who broke his arms raking leaves in the autumn?

He fell out of the tree.


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## duke (May 4, 2004)

What do you call an Irish man who steals your beer?

Nick McGuiness.


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## Irishcat922 (May 4, 2004)

An Irish woman goes to her Lawyer to get council about a divorce. The Lawyer asks &quot; do you have a grudge?&quot; &quot;oh, no the woman responds, I wish we did we only have a carport.&quot; the lawyer shakes his head and asks&quot; well does he beat you up?&quot; The woman says &quot;no,no, oim up way before him in the mornin.&quot; The Lawyer frustrated asks &quot; what grounds do you have?&quot; The woman laughs and says &quot;grounds, ha! we live in a flat, we don't even have a planter box.&quot; Finally the Lawyer asks, Madam why do you want a divorce? The woman says &quot; oh, well now you see, me husband is ignorant, why we can't even carry on so much as an intelligent conversation!&quot; uzzled:


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## sundoulos (May 4, 2004)

Then there was the Irishman who drove into an Ulster petrol station and asked for a fill-up. &quot;We don't have any petrol,&quot; he was told. 
&quot;How about checking the oil, then.&quot; 
&quot;Sorry, sir, we don't have any oil, either,&quot; replied the attendant.
&quot;What kind of a petrol station is this?&quot;
&quot;It's not really a petrol station. It's just a front for the IRA.&quot;
&quot;Well, in that case -- just blow up the tyres.&quot;

[Edited on 5-4-2004 by sundoulos]


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## sundoulos (May 4, 2004)




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## Mary (May 4, 2004)

Not an Irish joke, but...

How do you sink a Polish submarine?


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## blhowes (May 4, 2004)

[b:c05b8e2d9c]Mary wrote:[/b:c05b8e2d9c]
How do you sink a Polish submarine?

uzzled: I give up. How?


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## Mary (May 4, 2004)

You swim down and knock on the door.


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## sundoulos (May 5, 2004)

Eight years in submarines and I never heard that one. I love it!


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## Mary (May 6, 2004)

[quote:7ff9ecd5d9]
Eight years in submarines and I never heard that one. I love it! 
[/quote:7ff9ecd5d9]

Thank you! Thank you! You're a great audience! I perform here nightly!

Seriously, I can only remember 1 joke at a time, and that's my entire repertoire for right now. Eventually I'll hear one I like better and forget this one...

Mary :bs2:


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## bigheavyq (Dec 5, 2004)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

To another bar


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## bigheavyq (Dec 5, 2004)

An Irish man is driving home late one night and a policeman pulls him over.
The cop comes to his window and says "Mr. McGinty, your drunk and swerving all over the road."
To which he replies "saints be praised, I thought the steering had gone.


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## LawrenceU (Dec 5, 2004)

How have I missed this thread? As a dyed in the wool Scot (you'll get that one if your a descendant of highlanders) my family thrives on Irish jokes. Of course the biggest jokes are the Irish!

**How do you tell the Irish submarines? 

They are the ones with the screen doors on them.

**How do you find a sober Irishman?

Go to a morgue at night.

**How do the Irish herd sheep?

They dain't. That's the cause of the reeking sweaters.


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## bigheavyq (Dec 5, 2004)

An Irishman is walking home late one night after many drinks at the bar.
As he's stumbling around, a beat cop comes to him and says,
"Now, what would you be doin' at 3 o'clock in the mornin' "
"I'm goin to a lecture"
"So, just who is giving a lecture now"
"Me wife"


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## cupotea (Dec 6, 2004)

the most famous one ever is:

Q.: Why did God invent Whiskey?

A.: To prevent the Irish from taking over the whole world.

One of my favorite lines from a movie is the one from "Michael Collins" where the British officer, being presented with a roomful of IRA 'soldiers' singing some Irish song at the top of their lungs, says, "D**mned Irish, you can't get them to talk, but they'll sing at the drop of a hat."

I'm of British-Welsh extraction, so, for me, the Irish are fair game.


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## Irishcat922 (Dec 6, 2004)

Guinness 

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


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## Ivan (Dec 6, 2004)

> _Originally posted by CajunBibleBeliever_
> [quote:e858bc7170][i:e858bc7170]Originally posted by Paul manata[/i:e858bc7170]
> how many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [/quote:e858bc7170]
> 
> ...




Ain't it the truth!!  

Thank God for those little old ladies!


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## Ivan (Dec 6, 2004)

You guys are a hoot!!! Politically correctness OUT THE DOOR!!! 

I'm of German-Irish descent (now there's a deadly combination). 

Any good German jokes?


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## Ivan (Dec 6, 2004)

> _Originally posted by Paul manata_
> Knock Knock
> 
> Who's there?
> ...




This one is funny! The first one was BRUTAL!!!


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## Ivan (Dec 6, 2004)

> _Originally posted by Paul manata_
> how did the germans conquer Poland?
> 
> The marched in backwards and the polish thought they were leaving



 

BTW, what is the picture behind you in your atavar?


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## cupotea (Dec 6, 2004)

A French Joke:

Q.: Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in Paris?

A.: Because the Germans like to march in the shade.


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## Authorised (Dec 6, 2004)

What do you get when you mix a Jew and a Pole?

A janitor that owns the building.


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## cupotea (Dec 6, 2004)

Q.: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

A.: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.


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## bigheavyq (Dec 6, 2004)

An Italian, German, and a frenchman are construction workers are having lunch on the 55th floor.
Italian says, If I get another salame sandwich tomorrow, Isa gonna jump off and kill myself
German says, If I getz another polish sausage, I going kerplat
frenchy says, If I have another monte christo, I'm jumping off.
the next day
the Italian is happy with his meatball sub
the german's happy with bratwurst and pancakes
but frenchy has a monte christo, so he jumps off and splatters on the cement

the italian says I just don't understanda, our wives maka our lunches but he makes hissa own.


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## bigheavyq (Dec 6, 2004)

An american, a russian, and a frenchman are sitting at a bar talking about space.
the russian says, we're the best, we put the sputnik in space, the first man in space, etc
the American says no way, we landed on the moon, you haven't even gone their yet.
they go back and forth. finally they ask the frenchman what they're going to do.
He says, We're going to be the first on the sun.
The others start laughing, You can't land on the sun you'll burn up before you get there.
No we won't cause we're gonna land at night.


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## bigheavyq (Dec 6, 2004)

Did you hear about the italian who lost an arm in the war? 
He now has a speech impediment

How do make an italian shutup?
Tie his hands together

What do get when you cross a mafioso with a neo-orthodox?
he will make you an offer you can't understand


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## Ivan (Dec 6, 2004)

> _Originally posted by Paul manata_
> it's of the destruction of Jerusalem in 70 ad.



I dare say I've never seen it!


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## bigheavyq (Dec 6, 2004)

> _Originally posted by Paul manata_
> it's of the destruction of Jerusalem in 70 ad.




Where can I get a copy and who painted it. I heard of this painting years ago but have never been able to find a copy of it


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## PuritanCovenanter (Dec 6, 2004)

Get out of the way so we can see it.


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## cupotea (Dec 6, 2004)

Is there a version of it online?


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## Ivan (Dec 6, 2004)

> _Originally posted by Paul manata_
> it's of the destruction of Jerusalem in 70 ad.



I went to the Web to get a better look. I like the contrast of light in the painting. Here's a link. You may have to copy and paste.

http://www.vision.org/jrnl/9901/jerufire.html

[Edited on 12-6-2004 by Ivan]


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## Ivan (Dec 6, 2004)

> _Originally posted by bigheavyq_
> 
> 
> > _Originally posted by Paul manata_
> ...



A Scottish painter in the 19th century, I think by the name of David Robets.


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## Ivan (Dec 6, 2004)

> _Originally posted by Paul manata_
> yup. I received it for a gift, it was about $400 with the painting and frame.



Wow! Good thing it was a gift!


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## LawrenceU (Dec 6, 2004)

Three Admirals were walking along the pier one day at a rendevous of square-rigged ships: American, French and British. They were discussing the bravery of their sailors. The American said with no hesitation, ' Our sailors are brave beyond compare. They have kept both your nations from speaking German, twice.' He then orders a soldier to climb the ratlines of the ship, blindfolded, cross the yard arm, and climb down. The sailor complies without delay. The French and British admiral stand amazed.

The French Admiral, not to be outdone, orders one of his sailors to go aloft and then to walk the yardarm out and back. The sailor does as ordered, slips and falls to his death. Both the American and British admirals admit that the French soldier was very brave, but not very nimble.

The British Admiral then orders one of his sailors aloft, blindfolded. The sailor goes aloft and stands ready to receive his order. The admiral then calls to him to jump to the deck. The sailor rips off his blindfold and yells, 'You're are bl**dy fool!!' And promptly climbs down. The British admiral turns and declares boldly, 'Now, THAT is bravery.!


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## FrozenChosen (Dec 8, 2004)

Lawrence, that's hilarious!

If you haven't done it yet, go to www.google.com and type in "french military victories" and *CLICK* the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button. A neat little Internet Joke. Probably my favorite.


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## Jonathan (Dec 8, 2004)

A few French jokes 

Paris - April 8, 2004 - French Interior Minister Jean-Pierre Lafontaine announced today that, due to the recent terrorist bombings in Spain, France's Terror Alert Level has been raised from "Run" to "Hide." Mr. Lafontaine further added that if the bombings continue, the Terror Alert Level would be increased to "Surrender and collaborate." 

What do you call a bunch of French men with their arms held in the air? A: The French Army

How fast do French tanks go? ...it depends on how fast you push them

How many jokes are there about the French? A: One, the rest are true


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## PuritanCovenanter (Dec 8, 2004)

Even google doesn't mess around with the Facts do they?


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## VirginiaHuguenot (Dec 8, 2004)

In heaven the English are the police, the French are the lovers, the Germans are the mechanics, the Italians are the cooks and vintners, and the Swiss run everything.

In hell, the English are the cooks and vintners, the French are the mechanics, the Germans are the police, the Swiss are the lovers, and the Italians run everything.

Cited in _Drinking With Calvin and Luther_ by Jim West


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## PuritanCovenanter (Dec 8, 2004)

> _Originally posted by VirginiaHuguenot_
> In heaven the English are the police, the French are the lovers, the Germans are the mechanics, the Italians are the cooks and vintners, and the Swiss run everything.
> 
> In hell, the English are the cooks and vintners, the French are the mechanics, the Germans are the police, the Swiss are the lovers, and the Italians run everything.
> ...




I'm going to purgatory then.


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## bigheavyq (Dec 10, 2004)

I know a lot of jokes, but I don't tell any political ones. Why?

because too many of them get elected


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## bigheavyq (Dec 10, 2004)

A group of congressman and senators and their staff were on a bus trip. 
As they were traveling on a country road that night a cow was in the middle of the road. The bus swerved off the road and ran into a tree.

The FBI came across the bus the next day and didn't find a soul. They went to the local farmer who told them that he buried them all that night.
The investorgator was shocked. They're all dead
farmer replied Well some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.


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## VirginiaHuguenot (Dec 10, 2004)

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.


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## RamistThomist (Dec 10, 2004)

That is hilarious! Irish Jokes are the best. And I be Irish


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## Me Died Blue (Dec 10, 2004)

Drunkenness is bad, but still...


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## bigheavyq (Dec 21, 2004)

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down 
when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. 
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you 
decided to come to Mass. What made you come to! day?" Murphy said, "I 
got to be honest with you, Father. A while back I misplaced my hat and 
I really, really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn had one just like 
mine and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew 
that McGlynn had to take his hat off during Mass and I figured he would 
leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after 
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I 
notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" 
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, 
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave 
Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not 
Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in 
Hell, right?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you 
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' 
I remembered where I left my hat."


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## Irishcat922 (Dec 21, 2004)

An Irishman goes into a bar and orders three beers, he takes a sip out of each beer from left to right, he does this until he finishes all three beers. The bartender asks, "friend what are you doing?" the man says "me and my brothers always use to drink a beer together on Saturday nights, my older brother now lives in America, and me younger brother lives in Australia so I have decided to keep the tradition by drinking a beer for each of us." The next saturday the man comes in but only orders two beers, and the bartender says, " I'm sorry friend did one of your brother's die" The man says, "Oh no, I quit drinking."


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## bigheavyq (Dec 23, 2004)

A Frenchman was hitchhiking from NY to LA. while he was in NJ he saw a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS".
By the time he arrived in LA he cleaned over 2,000 restrooms.


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## bigheavyq (Dec 23, 2004)

A Frenchman came to America and a street vendor showed him a knife and said "do you want this knife"
so the frenchman gave him his wallet, the clothes he was wearing, and the keys to his car. 

Moral: The french will surrender under any circumstances even when they don't have to.


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## bigheavyq (Feb 18, 2005)

we need more ethnic humor


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## turmeric (Feb 18, 2005)

Haven't read the whole thread, hope this isn't a repeat!

An English construction boss is asked for a job by an Irishman. He says "You dumb (insert Irish racial slur here)! You wouln't know a joist from a girder!" The Irishman says "I do too, one wrote Ulysses and the other wrote Faust!"


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## Puritanhead (Feb 19, 2005)

*Ethnic Jokes should always be at the expense of the French*
Since the Huguenots left... there is scarcely anything redeemable in France except Parisan architecture and little chateaus.

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
--Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
--Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
--Rush Limbaugh


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## Average Joey (Feb 20, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Puritanhead_
> *Ethnic Jokes should always be at the expense of the French*
> Since the Huguenots left... there is scarcely anything redeemable in France except Parisan architecture and little chateaus.
> 
> ...


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## VirginiaHuguenot (Feb 20, 2005)

> _Originally posted by Puritanhead_
> *Ethnic Jokes should always be at the expense of the French*
> Since the Huguenots left... there is scarcely anything redeemable in France except Parisan architecture and little chateaus.
> 
> ...



It's sad that the homeland of my ancestors, so famous for good wine, has become a nation of whiners! :bigsmile:


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## Puritanhead (Feb 20, 2005)

A question for Europeans espousing Anti-Americanism: which part of Europe are you from? The part whose butt we kicked, are the part whose butt we saved?


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## Puritanhead (Feb 21, 2005)

Q. How do you spot a French soldier?

A. He is the one with the sunburned armpits.


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