# Between a rock and a very hard place



## Herald (Nov 22, 2006)

A bit of background is in order. In August of 2000 my family left our home church for a church plant in a town a few miles north. I was already a Calvinist, and neither my current church nor the one I was going to shared that theological point of view. A little over two years later my pastor embraced the doctrines of sovereign grace. He posts on here occasionally but is more of a lurker on the PB. Theologically our church has moved more and more towards, what I like to call a Spurgeon-like theology. I am more than pleased with this. Unfortunately, being a new church we have a few holes. These are not the result of any persons failure, they are just inherent to church plants. I daresay they are common to even mature churches. One of these holes is in the area of teenagers.

My daughter is a soon-to-be 16 year old. She is the _only_ teenager in our church. That's right...the only one. I must be honest. For the past few years I have been (for the most part) unyielding in this area. I have demanded that she attend worship with us and participate in the church as opportunity affords. She is well-liked by the adults and enjoys working with the pre-schoolers. But she is a teenager and has been crying out for friends. After much prayer and discussion with my wife, I agreed to allow my daughter to attend youth group at our old church. I have to admit that there really isn't much of a threat that she will be infected with Arminian theology. What passes for their devotion time is weak and superficial. So for the past year my daughter has been going to youth group at our old church.

Today my daughter wanted a sit-down talk with her "Daddy-O" as she calls me. She enjoys being with her friends and wants to attend our old church. As you can imagine this took me for a complete shock. But instead of launching into a diatribe on our sending church I shut my mouth and listened. She made some good points. Even though my heart broke for her, there was no way that I was going to allow her to attend a different church then her parents. She was in tears bemoaning the fact that she has no time with her peers outside of Tuesday evening youth group. I had to admit to myself that she is a nearly 16 year old girl, and she is a social creature. She is also a good girl. Every Saturday we go out for breakfast and talk about anything and everything you can imagine. I am blessed to have such an two-way relationship with my daughter. So my quandary persisted. Do I play the part of family dictator or consider another solution?

After prayer and talking with my wife, I made the decision that she could attend our old church every other week. My mother-in-law lives me with and she will be able to attend with her. I am not completely happy with this but I realize that my daughter cannot continue to hate going to church each Lord's Day because there is no one else her age to fellowship with. I had to ask, "How would I feel?" 

FIRST: Please do not throw your assorted rotten fruit and veggies at me. I feel rotten enough already. I am interested if any one on the PB has crossed this bridge personally? I've made my decision, and I feel it is the right one given our circumstances, but I am interested in your insight.


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## gwine (Nov 22, 2006)

I have a 25 year old son who wants nothing to do with going to church, although he still says grace even if he is eating alone and claims that he has accepted Christ. I would rather be in your situation any day. As long as she is willing to be submissive should you find her doctrinal thinking going south, I hope you will support her request.

But I would also encourage you and her to look for other times that she can get together with her friends as well. Perhaps you can invite her friends over to your house and even to church the week's she is with you. When our boys were teenagers we had many of their friends over because their parents seemed to have no time for them and many were from divided homes. Quite sad, really.

May God give you peace, my brother.


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## ReformedWretch (Nov 22, 2006)

At 16, she is quickly going towards adulthood! I think your willingness to hash this out with her is comendable! So many fathers would bark orders and claim that was their right and responsability. Gerry's advice/thoughts are very good! I agree with him completely.



> As long as she is willing to be submissive should you find her doctrinal thinking going south



YEP! Does your daughter believe in the D.o.G.? If so I assume you've told her your concenrs with the old church? If she can go there and stand strong for the D.o.G. it may be a good thing!



> invite her friends over to your house and even *to church* the week's she is with you.



Great idea! When her friends ask why she left, there is her chance to share the truth with them and invite them to your church. She may bring some teens to your new church and thus have friends there she can then stay with not returning to the old church!

As I said in the beginning, your daughter is a young lady approaching adulthood. You're still the dad of course and her authority, but she has got to learn to make decisions for her self. Stay by her side and guide her.

Good job!


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## BJClark (Nov 22, 2006)

I am in agreement with the others, allow her to invite friends to come over on Saturdays, spend the day with them and stay the night and go to church with your family on Sundays.

My kids do this, shoot my kids even invite friends just to go to church even when not spending the night, so I've been known to go pick the kids up on Sunday Mornings so they can go with us.

After they have come a few times, you could extend an invitation to their parents to visit.

My nephew didn't fit in w/ some of the youth in our church, so his dad allowed him to go w/ friends to another churches youth group at night, where he had many friends, he would go to church w/ his parents in the mornings, then go to the youth activities at the other church at night. My Sisters family eventually left our church for other reasons, but his dad, like you knew his child needed the Christian friendships. And was willing to make concessions in that regard.

His dad wanted him to WANT to be in church, and if it mean't allowing Him to go to another church at night then okay. That was 2 years ago, and my nephew is still going to church on Sunday nights at the other church.

All of my kids (18, 14, 11) sometimes go to Church with their friends, and yes, they hear different doctrines taught, and you know what, they always come to me later to talk about what the other church taught. 

A prime example: My son who is 11, went to an AoG church with one of his friends, and that night when he was getting ready for bed asked if he could talk to me about some things the pastor said, that was very different than what our PCA church teaches, and they didn't settle well with him. I sat down and listened to what was said, we pulled out the Bible to see what it says, I had him read it, and asked him--what does this say concerning that? He told me, and I said, okay, so should you believe what the pastor said, or what God's word says? His response was...We believe what the Bible says...I asked so what does that tell you about what the pastor was teaching? He looked at me confused and questioning his own answer, "The pastor is teaching false?" I said, that's right, we always look to what the Bible says to see if what a pastor says lines up with it. I said, we don't listen to what the pastor says and then try and force the bible to line up with it, because that is contrary to scripture. He no longer wants to go to that church, but has instead started inviting his friend to our church, his friends mom has even started visiting our church. 

Granted my kids still have a long way to go and grow (as do I) but I see God working in their lives at a young age, teaching them discernment, and to question what they are being taught, and it gives me the opportunity to show them where to look for the answers.

Just don't be so hard core, she must go to church with you, that God can't work in her heart, growing her in her own walk with Him.

Your daughter knows sound doctrine, the Holy Spirit will prompt her heart when something being taught is false, and may decide that instead of going to the other church to start inviting her friends and their families to visit your church.

And so you know, you don't need to feel rotten, about wanting your daughter to go to church with you, nor about the fact the church hasn't grown enough at this point to have more teenagers her age to meet her social needs, God will bring them in, and may even use your daughter to help do so.

Do you have a Youth Minister at your new Church? If not, maybe that is something you could be praying for, that God will raise someone up who can grow the youth ministry.


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## BobVigneault (Nov 22, 2006)

I believe you made a wise decision Bill. In the mean time do everything you can to prepare and equip your daughter to infiltrate your old church with the doctrines of grace in a loving manner of course.


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