# Maybe my most important question ever...



## Jairus (Dec 13, 2009)

Hello folks. I struggled with this question and even where to post it. My apologies if its in the wrong place.
I will try to be brief. I believe this to be of critical importance to my soul, so I hope those of you who know the Lord well, will respond.
I have been a "Christian" for over 20 years now. I have put Christian in quotation marks because I am troubled and concerned if that truly is so. I have been married now for 20 years. My wife and I are at best, un-evenly yolked. That hasn't helped my walk, but that's not much of an excuse. You see, I look back and feel like I haven't changed much at all in all this time. In fact I have had terrible runs of backsliding into ugly sin's for prolonged periods. I have struggled to even spend time with the Lord. There is so much I could say, but time and your attention span deserves a break. I don't much buy the old Arminian argument for the carnal Christian. But that creates another complexity, at least for me...As a Calvinist, If I walked away from this conversation convinced that I was lost, what in the world could I do about it?
I can say this, I never seem to be able to walk away and shut the door on God. I also know its only by His Grace that I still breath today to post this. When in my 20 plus years spending time in Gods word, nothing has touched me the same. I just cant put it into words. There must be something going on!
Well I apologize for the choppy and erratic nature of this post, as its hard to gather your thoughts on such a topic as this and be systematic with them. I greatly look forward to reading your honest advice and thoughts.


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## rbcbob (Dec 14, 2009)

Jairus said:


> Hello folks. I struggled with this question and even where to post it. My apologies if its in the wrong place.
> I will try to be brief. I believe this to be of critical importance to my soul, so I hope those of you who know the Lord well, will respond.
> I have been a "Christian" for over 20 years now. I have put Christian in quotation marks because I am troubled and concerned if that truly is so. I have been married now for 20 years. My wife and I are at best, un-evenly yolked. That hasn't helped my walk, but that's not much of an excuse. You see, I look back and feel like I haven't changed much at all in all this time. In fact I have had terrible runs of backsliding into ugly sin's for prolonged periods. I have struggled to even spend time with the Lord. There is so much I could say, but time and your attention span deserves a break. I don't much buy the old Arminian argument for the carnal Christian. But that creates another complexity, at least for me...As a Calvinist, If I walked away from this conversation convinced that I was lost, what in the world could I do about it?
> I can say this, I never seem to be able to walk away and shut the door on God. I also know its only by His Grace that I still breath today to post this. When in my 20 plus years spending time in Gods word, nothing has touched me the same. I just cant put it into words. There must be something going on!
> Well I apologize for the choppy and erratic nature of this post, as its hard to gather your thoughts on such a topic as this and be systematic with them. I greatly look forward to reading your honest advice and thoughts.




Troy, you do not have to know whether you were saved 20 years ago or not. Whether you were or not your need at the moment is to look to God in Christ for the saving and keeping of your soul. The message for you as well as the first-time hearer of the gospel is the same. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Believe that Jesus alone can satisfy the Father on your behalf. Look to Christ and not yourself. Do it Now!

Tis a point I long to know,
Oft it causes anxious thought;
Do I love the lord or no?
Am I his, or am I not?

If I love, why am I thus?
Why this dull and lifeless frame?
Hardly, sure, can they be worse,
Who have never heard His name?

Lord decide the doubtful case!
Thou who art thy people’s sun,
Shine upon thy work of grace,
If it be indeed begun.

Let me love thee more and more,
If I love at all, I pray;
If I have not lov’d before,
Help me to begin today.
-John Newton


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## Wayne (Dec 14, 2009)

Troy:

I want to underscore what Bob said. Keep clinging to the Lord, despite all outward appearances in your life. None of us has any hope apart from Jesus Christ and what He accomplished on Calvary. Meanwhile, love your wife as Christ loves the Church and trust Him to make that relationship one that honors Him. None of this is easy, and we all fail constantly. But He draws us back to keep trusting Him.


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## Mushroom (Dec 14, 2009)

Troy, I'm no theologian, and you can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, but here it is:

You've been 20 years a Christian (quotation marks notwithstanding), I've been 30. I've been precisely where you are as well. Here's what I did - ran like a dog back to his own vomit. And it may be that you will do that, too. But here's the problem; your Shepherd will never let you go. You can run, hide, blaspheme and debase yourself to the best of your ability, but He'll still come find you, brush you off, and carry you back to His fold on His shoulders. The only thing that will remain is your regret for the days you wasted feeding shells to pigs. And you will be so very thankful that He is such a faithful Shepherd.

These changes you're looking for, maybe you see them as works and attributes you should be able to attain to? But they're not. They're gifts and graces. The Lord wouldn't waste your time and His in drawing you to Himself only to let you fall away. Focus for awhile on finding out how much He loves you. As that dawns more and more upon you, your love for Him will grow.

That's gonna happen eventually, brother, may as well be now rather than later.


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## Wayne (Dec 14, 2009)

Amen, brother Brad!


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## TKarrer (Dec 14, 2009)

Really, I just want to echo what these dear brothers have already stated.

Troy, is there a new principle within you? Is the Lord precious to you? and by that I mean, does your heart long for Him? Has He awakened your soul to see His beauty, and to delight in it?

Brother, your failings are no obstacle to the grace of God. Surely your own testimony of concern bears witness to repentance in your heart. Is this repentance not realized in the way youd like it to be? Then meditate upon the grace of God in Christ- disipline your flesh and kneel in the presence of God. Cry out to Him in angst for more of Him! The saints have always had nowhere to turn but Christ. If we seek holiness, we will only find it through the disciplines of godliness; the use of the devotional means of grace. Through these God fillsour hearts with love for Him.

I think all of us have been through what you're experiencing. Some for longer periods of time than others. But dont you recognize the Fatherly discipline of God in your life (Hebrews 12)? Doesnt your joy run dry when you fill the flesh? Arent you desperate for God to change you? These things are always evidences of Divine grace- you do not have the capacities of yourself to know and experience these things; they're fruits of sanctification.

Knowing you're in a sensitive place, I do not wish to make you look to yourself. The worst thing you could do is over-analyze your weaknesses; or fail to discern your sin in the context of the Gospel. Mortify the deeds of the body and you will live. Meditate on the Gospel. Humble yourself and wash other's feet. Study your Bible with thankfulness. Fulfill the lusts of the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. If youre spending your life in the front of the tv, or computer, or playing childish games, then simply stop and pursue a simpler lifestyle of holiness. The latter suggestion I add because God used it to snatch me out of some serious sin I was partaking of at one time. I spent most of my free time on the internet, or watching tv, and wasnt satisfying my soul in the treasures of Gospel living, in the ways I shouldve been, and I grew incredibly weak of spirit. My flesh grew strong. Being overcome, I repented and got active for the Kingdom of God. First and foremost, I devoted myself to prayer and study and outreach. God graciously helped me out of that pit through these means. 

Press on for His glory brother. And may His peace and assurance comfort your soul soon.


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## A.J. (Dec 14, 2009)

Troy, I would recommend Jonathan Edward's sermon, How To Know If You Are A Real Christian. I think it addresses much of your concern. 

I like what Joshua (one of our Admins) said in another thread: 



> ....Conversion is not as the Finneyists have made it. You believe the gospel and cling to Christ, trusting not in your merit, but His. And _this_ you do all of your life. It's pointless to "look back" and agonize over whether you were saved at this point or that. The question is, do you believe _now_? Do you confess Christ? Do you detest your works? Do you cling to His merit and not your own?



-----Added 12/14/2009 at 06:15:18 EST-----

The Canons of Dort First Head of Doctrine Article 12 is also helpful on this: 



> The elect in due time, though in various degrees and in different measures, attain the assurance of this their eternal and unchangeable election, not by inquisitively prying into the secret and deep things of God,1 but by observing in themselves with a spiritual joy and holy pleasure2 the infallible fruits of election pointed out in the Word of God, such as, a true faith in Christ,3 filial fear of God,4 a godly sorrow for sin,5 a hungering and thirsting after righteousness,6 etc.
> 1 Dt 29:29; 2 Rom 4:18-5:2, 5; 3 1 Cor 2:10-11; 4 2 Cor 13:5; 5 2 Cor 7:10; 6 Mt 5:6



Praying as you make your election and calling sure.


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## ChristopherPaul (Dec 14, 2009)

"If I knew I were one of God's elect, I would come to Christ; but I fear I am not.' To you I answer: nobody ever came to Christ because he knew himself to be one of the elect. It is quite true that God has of His mere good pleasure elected some to everlasting life, but they never knew it until they believed in Christ. Christ nowhere commands the elect to come to him. He commands all men everywhere to repent and believe the gospel. The question for you is not, 'Am I one of the elect?' but 'Am I a sinner?' Christ came to save sinners."

--Robert Murray M'Cheyne​


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## Jairus (Dec 14, 2009)

Thanks to all of you for your help and time. It is humbling to see so many people respond! I want to express my gratefulness for the kindness shown in each post.

God bless each of you!

I think I will go back to the forum for introducing myself, as I am new here and would like to make some friends here


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## rbcbob (Dec 14, 2009)

Jairus said:


> Thanks to all of you for your help and time. It is humbling to see so many people respond! I want to express my gratefulness for the kindness shown in each post.
> 
> God bless each of you!
> 
> I think I will go back to the forum for introducing myself, as I am new here and would like to make some friends here



Continuing to pray for you Troy.


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