# Being comfortable and self-denial in marriage



## cris (Jun 3, 2010)

Hi my friends and brothers in Christ

I have been thinking about an issue for a long time. 
This is it:

On one hand, there is our desire to be comfortable in marriage (I don't mean peace and understanding here, but that our spouses accept us and treats us nicely).
On the other hand, there is turning the other cheek when someone wrongs us, and obviously that applies here, too. In this case, that would mean to accept the blame even when it's undeserved. To avoid a fight, for instance. I relate this to our sanctification, patience, self-denial.

So, the question is, how "comfortable" is "too comfortable" in marriage?

Maybe I put the problem in the wrong terms, I need you guys to help me here.
I'm sure you know what I mean. If not, I'll re-phrase it.
Obviously, I don't mean it like "tell me exactly where I can draw the line so that at that point I can draw daggers".

And, as a second question, do you think that to fight is a sin? I think it is, but I couldn't say exactly why. I just couldn't picture Peter or Paul (in case he had a wife) fighting with their wives in clear conscience.
I know it says "Be angry, yet do not sin", but I still don't see that as a permit to fight.

I heard someone say "we have to learn how to fight biblically". I think it is our flesh that pops up when we do that.

Thank you so much for your help
Cristian


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## timmopussycat (Jun 4, 2010)

If our spouse does something that hurts or grieves us to such an extent that overlooking it creates a long term problem, the matter needs to be explored. 
I don't think learning how to disagree and explore disagreements in a God honouring fashion is unbiblical or necessarily of the flesh, even though the flesh does pop up when such disagreements take place. If done well such exploration of disagreements is not like a fight at all. But it is very hard to do this well. One suggestion; if you are newlyweds, I suggest that you might find it profitable to give more time than you might think required to exploring the disagreements before too quickly moving to a resolution. I have found that this often pays dividends as the real issue has often turned out not to be the presentation complaint.


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## Pergamum (Jun 4, 2010)

Enablement and allowing sin is not love. We must be loving to our spouses, and love means confrontation sometimes.


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## cris (Jun 4, 2010)

timmopussycat said:


> If our spouse does something that hurts or grieves us to such an extent that overlooking it creates a long term problem, the matter needs to be explored.


Assuming it doesn't create a long term problem, where's the balance between comfort and self-denial?
Do you think God works godliness in us when the spouse treats us undeservedly harsh? (I do)



> I don't think learning how to disagree and explore disagreements in a God honouring fashion is unbiblical or necessarily of the flesh, even though the flesh does pop up when such disagreements take place. If done well such exploration of disagreements is not like a fight at all. But it is very hard to do this well.


What I was saying (or what I meant) was that if it comes to a fight (and I don't mean just disagreeing, but raising the voice or even shouting) at least one of them has done wrong and possibly sinned (by fighting). Would you agree?



> One suggestion; if you are newlyweds, I suggest that you might find it profitable to give more time than you might think required to exploring the disagreements before too quickly moving to a resolution. I have found that this often pays dividends as the real issue has often turned out not to be the presentation complaint.


Thx a lot for your post, Tim

---------- Post added at 10:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:37 PM ----------




Pergamum said:


> Enablement and allowing sin is not love.


What do you mean by that? I don't understand.


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## Pergamum (Jun 4, 2010)

Enablement is allowing someone else to sin and encouraging them to continue in unhealthy, destructive or sinful patterns of life by your silence or passivity.


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## Andres (Jun 4, 2010)

Yes, I do think it's proper for spouses to expect loving treatment from one another. With that being said, a marriage is two sinners coming together, so we must know that times will arise when our spouses disappoint, hurt, and wrong us. (And we will certainly do it to them too.) So the real question is how do we handle those occasions? In short, grace. But this doesn't mean spouses should just be a doormat for abuse. I believe communication plays a large part. If a spouse is doing something hurtful to the other, then I presume they are doing it non-intentionally, because why would a dear spouse desire to hurt their beloved on purpose? With that being the case, communication is essential to explain what the spouse did to hurt the other and why it hurt them. Of course, there is a right and a wrong way to go about this, so that is where forgiveness, understanding, compassion, all come into play. 

As for whether fighting is a sin, I guess that depends on how one defines fighting. I don't think it's reasonable for couples to agree on everything 100% of the time, so disagreements will occur. However, if by fighting you mean yelling, accusing, and generally saying unloving comments to one another, then yes, I deem this inappropriate and contrary to fulfilling the roles God has called us to in Ephesians 5.


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## JBaldwin (Jun 4, 2010)

There people who naturally give in to avoid a fight, and there those who find it difficult to admit they are wrong. When these two types of people are in a marriage together, it can be a recipe for disaster, or it can be an opportunity for God's grace. If a person always takes the blame or always gives in just for the sake of harmony, it can eventually turn into a situation where there is real abuse.

My advice to myself since I am in one of those types of marriages (and when I listen to this advice it works) is to step back and take the matter before the Lord. By that, I mean asking the Lord to search my heart and make sure I'm not sinning. At that point, I'll either give in and admit I'm wrong or approach my spouse quietly with my thoughts on the matter. 

Most often when we allow the Lord to search our hearts, we discover that sin is not very far away. This is the opportunity for God's grace to manifest itself.


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## cris (Jun 6, 2010)

Definitely, I do the same to my dear wife (hurt/disappoint/wrong her). But When it's me who does that, I know what to do. I'm not saying that I do that always, though.
And of course, not on purpose. It never crossed my mind.
Thank you very much for your reply, Andres

---------- Post added at 07:01 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:55 AM ----------

Thanks for yout reply, JBaldwin. Praying that the Lord searches our hearts is a very good idea.


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