# Overcoming Shyness



## Martin (Oct 18, 2011)

For as long as I can remember, I have always been very shy. I am tired of being a shy person. If you have faced this, what are ways that you have overcome it?


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## GulfCoast Presbyterian (Oct 18, 2011)

Eric: This is not exactly the same thing, but I know a couple of folks that have gotten involved in Toastmasters doing regular public speaking and interacting to increase their comfort level with public speaking and interaction. There may be a chapter in McComb (which I think is near Summit). Its just a thought.


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## Martin (Oct 18, 2011)

That is something to consider. Thanks for the suggestion!

To elaborate a little more on my situation, I struggle with conversing with people I have just met as well as in small group settings.


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## VictorBravo (Oct 18, 2011)

Eric, folks don't believe me, but I'm very shy as well. 

One thing that helps is to practice listening carefully to someone you meet. Pick up on what might be important to him (or her) and ask more about it. Even small talk can be interesting if the person you are talking to senses you are interested in what they have to say.

By developing that skill, you might find that part of your shyness is a fear of not being able to prove yourself. When you are interested in the other person, that burden is lifted. 

Another thing I have always found very difficult to do is to approach strangers and greet them. You know how you overcome that? You march up to them and greet them. . . . And remember to listen to what they have to say.


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## JoannaV (Oct 19, 2011)

I find it is easier to talk to people if we are engaged in some kind of activity which involves interaction. Eventually I become able to talk to them about other things without the activity as a stimulus. But I'm not so much shy as scared of social interaction  I don't like to talk, and nor do I like to force others to talk, meaning I've not yet picked up the skill of asking other people questions about themselves...


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## seajayrice (Oct 19, 2011)

VictorBravo said:


> Eric, folks don't believe me, but I'm very shy as well.
> 
> One thing that helps is to practice listening carefully to someone you meet. Pick up on what might be important to him (or her) and ask more about it. Even small talk can be interesting if the person you are talking to senses you are interested in what they have to say.
> 
> ...



Excellent suggestion, the core issue is acceptance. People always like people that like them. Let the love of Christ shine through, take a sincere interest in the folks you meet. The determiner is not how they see you but how you see them. The good stuff follows. And remember who loves ya baby!


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## Andres (Oct 19, 2011)

Hi Eric, 
I've never been a shy person, but there was a time when I wanted to sharpen my people skills a bit due to working in sales. Perhaps you'd like to read an old book _How to Win Friends and Influence People_. It's been years since I've read it, so I can't endorse it completely, but I do remember there was some stuff in there that was beneficial in learning how to talk to strangers, carry a conversation, etc.


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## InSlaveryToChrist (Oct 19, 2011)

Shyness, codependency, peer pressure, they all go to the same category, THE FEAR OF MAN. It's so common for human reason to explain away shyness and other similar problems as _non-moral_, _psychological_ problems, when its roots are deep in the _heart_ of man. This is understandable, though, because there are very few resources handling the issue of the fear of man in much detail. This is a big problem for Christians since the fear of man is, believe or not, the subject of one of the most repeated lessons in the Bible. And the antidote to this problem is offered by God time after time, and it's the fear of the Lord. There is a book that has blessed me enormously in this field of theology, it's called "When People Are Big and God is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man," written by Edward T. Welch, who has also written many other good books on "psychological" problems of our day, such as depression, extreme mood swings, addictions, eating disorders, self-injury, and the list goes on. I cannot recommend the afore-mentioned book enough, it's totally life-changing, it makes you see the world and your own motives in a clear light.

The thrust of the book could be summarized in the following way: People either submit to the world's or God's standard of good and evil, and the one they choose will control their lives. If you submit to the world's standard of good and evil, your conscience will condemn you if you don't, for instance, look "cool," and you will feel ashamed because of that. People who submit to the world's standard of good and evil cannot help that -- "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and [people]." On the other hand, people who submit to God's standard of good and evil will despise and _feel indifferent_ (the opposite of shyness!) of the things that the world esteems and expects/demands you to esteem. They will literally see God as BIG and people as small.

One thing that has certainly contributed to the fear of man in our day is that Christians don't talk about God much in their _freetime_, but only in theological debates, where their _own pride_ is at stake. From the perspective of an outsider, Christians today seem not to think of God as glorious as their confessions portray Him to be. And when there is no room for God in the mind of Christians, it is consumed by wordly values, and controlled accordingly.


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## Jack K (Oct 19, 2011)

I'm shy, too. It's bad enough that sometimes I can't bring myself to make necessary phone calls or initiate important conversations.

While I do think some of us just have different personalities, I believe there's also a spiritual, sinful element to much of my shyness. I'm insecure and overly concerned for what people will think of me. Part of my solution to my shyness is to recognize this and repent of it. Sometimes I'm successful.

Interestingly, I have very little fear of public speaking despite my shyness in other situations. This is probably because I know I'm _good_ at public speaking, and thus less insecure and instead eager to impress people with my speaking. I mention this to point out that shy people are not necessarily more sinful or more in love with man's approval than are gregarious types. They may just have different strategies when it comes to trying to control what others think of them.


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## py3ak (Oct 19, 2011)

Shyness/boldness are not the only categories: there are also intro/extraversion. An introverted person is not necessarily shy; but any introvert, and especially a shy one, is going to have to carefully pace the tempo of social situations.


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## Martin (Oct 19, 2011)

Thank you for all of the replies. I have never put into perspective that the root cause of shyness is really acceptance. When that is in perspective, that shyness comes from my natural self wanting acceptance and worrying about how people view me, it makes sense to me now. Also, pride would fit into this. I also see it somewhat as being dishonest with people, in that I will not open up and be me for fear of not being accepted.

I see that this falls under a spiritual thing that I need to work on through repentance and prayer as well as forcing myself to overcome shyness.


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## saintandsinner77 (Oct 19, 2011)

If we believe what Scripture says about us being accepted in Him and meditate on our position in Christ and of His acceptance of us by His grace through faith in His blood, then we will care less and less about the opinions of others...


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## Philip (Oct 19, 2011)

InSlaveryToChrist said:


> Shyness, codependency, peer pressure, they all go to the same category, THE FEAR OF MAN. It's so common for human reason to explain away shyness and other similar problems as non-moral, psychological problems, when its roots are deep in the heart of man.



I have to disagree with this. Often it's not a fear of man but not knowing what to say and being uncomfortable and feeling awkward in social situations. You are really reading stuff into his motivations here. Subsuming all of these things under the heading of sin fails to recognize the real complexity that goes with it. Our brother Eric needs help in working through the problem. Now, I recognize that whenever fallen human beings are involved, there will be sin, but is being socially uncomfortable necessarily sinful? No, it may just be a challenge that God is calling you to overcome. It's not necessarily sinful any more than my absent-mindedness or my brother's learning disabilities are sinful: they are challenges that, by the grace of God, can be worked through with fear and trembling. The solution certainly has much to do with faith, but I'd be careful about labelling it sin.

Eric,

I would also echo the suggestions of others that you become good at listening and asking the right questions. People will like you better for listening than they would someone like me who tends to wax eloquent (I'm working to be better at listening too).


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## elnwood (Oct 19, 2011)

Have you read "Overcoming Shyness" by M. Blaine Smith? I've read parts of it, and it seems pretty good, and I've appreciated his other books. Smith goes to an EPC church.


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## InSlaveryToChrist (Oct 20, 2011)

P. F. Pugh said:


> Often it's not a fear of man but *not knowing what to say and being uncomfortable and feeling awkward in social situations*.



Well, to be honest, that sounds very man-centered to me. Why does it matter if you don't know what to say? GOD doesn't care whether you have the "right" words or not, His interest is in your heart and its motives -- if those are right, it doesn't matter to GOD what comes out of your mouth. But certainly, if you're more interested in the opinions of other PEOPLE about you, it becomes crystal clear why you'd feel uncomfortable/awkward in social situations: PEOPLE are sinners, and sinners have _wordly_ expectations of you. So, you need to meet those expectations to feel justified.

Why must we make life so hard for ourselves? If we just simply thought about God's opinion of us in all matters of life, it would be enough! God's opinion is to be our standard of thinking. When you're praying to GOD in a group of Christians, you're not praying to THE CHRISTIANS. When you're preaching to THE CONGERATION, you're not preaching as in the eyes of THE CONGREGATION, but as in the eyes of GOD. Charles Spurgeon certainly realized this:

"We should aim to speak as in the sight of God. We are to ask ourselves not, 'what did the people think of me?', but, 'what was I in the sight of God?'"

And don't think it a coincidence that Spurgeon was a bold man with no shyness. And the same could be said of Whitefield and many others. They were men who feared the Lord more than man. Their minds were so filled with God's Word that the opinion of other people couldn't shake them. They had a HIGH view of God, whereas their view of people was very low.


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## Philip (Oct 20, 2011)

InSlaveryToChrist said:


> Why does it matter if you don't know what to say? GOD doesn't care whether you have the "right" words or not, His interest is in your heart and its motives -- if those are right, it doesn't matter to GOD what comes out of your mouth.



Ah, so it doesn't matter how you alienate people in ordinary conversation so long as your heart was in the right place. It doesn't matter if your conversation was actually edifying, just that you meant it to edify. I have heard this kind of language used to justify all kinds of hurtful speech.

I come from the other end of the spectrum: I put my foot in my mouth left and right. I think there's a bit of truth to the old adage "Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and confirm it."

In addition, for someone who struggles with talking to people, saying "just think about what God thinks" isn't terribly helpful on a practical level. It's like telling an arachnaphobe, "oh that's just a harmless spider." The fear isn't about the consequences at all---it's about finding _anything_ to say at all.


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## Galatians220 (Oct 20, 2011)

Being in work and school situations where you *must* reach out to other people and the only alternative is failure is what helped me. For the first 18-20 years of my life, I had something eventually diagnosed as "selective mutism" and couldn't do a thing about it myself. It was extremely painful. When I was 18, a kind co-worker of mine in a store in the inner city of Detroit saw my predicament and appointed herself to help me. (This was the year after the riot in '67 and Detroit was an _interesting_ place...) She was 8 years older than I, a black woman who was very self-confident, and she spent a lot of time with me, dismantling my barriers and walls piece by piece. She wasn't a professional anything; she was just a friend, but a good one. Everyone with crippling shyness needs someone like my friend Dorothy. I think of her every so often and pray that she has found the fellowship of the Lord. Anyway, today, I'm totally without the person-to-person anxiety and aversions that I used to have.

I still have problems with the phone, even after 30 years as a legal paraprofessional, but only in social situations, not so much at work. Sometimes you just have to roll with the shyness you're left with and as others have said, remember to Whom you belong. There can be NO earthly condemnation, censure, social judgment, disapproval, etc. that can cause permanent or even semi-permanent harm to us. *We are the Lord's, and He is ours.*


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## InSlaveryToChrist (Oct 20, 2011)

P. F. Pugh said:


> Ah, so it doesn't matter how you alienate people in ordinary conversation so long as your heart was in the right place. It doesn't matter if your conversation was actually edifying, just that you meant it to edify. I have heard this kind of language used to justify all kinds of hurtful speech.



I've got to agree with you here. God does care about what comes out of our mouth, regardless of our right motivation. Our best is not enough to God, and our incapability does not excuse us. But still it's the opinion of God, not the opinion of other people, that should control us.



> The fear isn't about the consequences at all---it's about finding _anything_ to say at all.



When we cannot seem to edify others, we must look to Christ for mercy. He will free us from our guilt, uneasiness and shyness.


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## FenderPriest (Oct 20, 2011)

I think reading When People Are Big and God is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man by Ed Welch would be a really good, Biblical place to start.


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## Philip (Oct 20, 2011)

InSlaveryToChrist said:


> When we cannot seem to edify others, we must look to Christ for mercy. He will free us from our guilt, uneasiness and shyness.



Where did I mention guilt? It seems to me that you're categorically imputing sinful motives to shy and introverted people without regard for individual persons and situations. Is feeling uncomfortable necessarily sinful? Where do we see this in Scripture? Again, I'd like to suggest that shyness is something to be worked through, not a sin to repent of, at least in many cases.


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## CharlieJ (Oct 20, 2011)

Interacting with people is a skill. People who are naturally talented at it often fail to recognize that fact. The more skilled you are, the more you will choose to engage in it, thus reinforcing your skills. But on the other hand, if you aren't talented at it, you will choose to do it less often, thus potentially falling farther behind. 

So, shyness doesn't have to be about fear. It can be about lack of skill. For example, I'm terrible at soccer, and I tend to shy away from opportunities to participate. Shyness is problematic only if it gets in the way of your responsibilities or dictates your life choices. The proper approach would seem to be finding safe environments, where one can practice skills without huge social consequences for mistakes.


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## "William The Baptist" (Oct 20, 2011)

CharlieJ said:


> Interacting with people is a skill.



I definitely agree with this. I used to be extremely painfully shy years ago. Though I am young, and was even younger (about 14) when I realized that my shyness was actually a form of selfishness. I realized I was not loving people with the love of Christ when I was too shy to talk to them! I had to work at cultivating the skill of interacting with people. It took years of practice... and now most people don't even believe me when I admit I used to be so shy I wouldn't even talk at all.

I second Victor's comment. Most of it is going out of your comfort zone and thinking of others instead of yourself. It is such a joy to meet new people and find out about them!

Though sometimes I can still be pretty introverted, most of those times are spent listening to others and asking minimal questions to get them talking so I can enjoy listening to them.  I don't think there is anything wrong with not being a "social butterfly" as long as that doesn't hinder you from sharing Christ's love when you are around others. It's not about us, after all.


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## InSlaveryToChrist (Oct 20, 2011)

P. F. Pugh said:


> InSlaveryToChrist said:
> 
> 
> > When we cannot seem to edify others, we must look to Christ for mercy. He will free us from our guilt, uneasiness and shyness.
> ...



You just suggested in your previous post that it does matter whether our conversation is edifying or not. So, if one cannot find words to edify others then he's in guilt of not edifying others, right? And the ultimate reason we cannot edify others is our sinfulness, our lack of conformity to God's Word. There is, then, reason to feel guilty. That's why I said, "we must look to Christ for mercy." Note: I nowhere said feeling uncomfortable IS sin, I simply made the implication that uneasiness is a natural _result_ of sin.

Philip (and others),
If you have any Biblical resources regarding shyness as a _psychological_ problem (yet the author of which would acknowledge that shyness can also be a _moral_ issue), please, recommend some.


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## Zenas (Oct 20, 2011)

Eric said:


> That is something to consider. Thanks for the suggestion!
> 
> To elaborate a little more on my situation, I struggle with conversing with people I have just met as well as in small group settings.



I do too. For me, part of it depends on the other person. 

I'll give an example:

I was at a client dinner last night. I was seated beside one of my co-workers and a man who worked for our client whom I had never met before. My co-worker would bring up subjects all three of us could relate to in order to move the conversation along, and all three of us would talk about the topic. When that topic died, I'd give one a try. When that topic died, one of the other two would give it a try. I just spoke from my experiences where able and that was all.

Do you see how it depends on the person though? I have tried to carry on conversations with people and they just refuse to do it, making it awkward for me and everyone else. When I bring up a topic, they either won't say anything or don't have anything to say about that topic. They also won't bring up a topic, which just leads to awkward silences.

It takes someone else to move a conversation along, otherwise it's just a monologue. 

There's a select few who can have a conversation with anyone. My wife is one of those people, as is my boss. Both of them can seemingly talk with anyone with little effort. I can't do that. If the other person isn't interested in what I'm saying, then I'm dead in the water. 

When you meet someone, start with "small talk." Where are you from? Where did you grow up? Where do you live now? If they are a bit older and wearing a wedding ring, possibly ask if they have children. They may be from somewhere you've visited, then you can talk about things you saw or liked in that area. Last night, the gentleman I was with lived in another city in my state that I've been to numerous times. We talked about a popular restaurant there. We talked about our children, the sports they play, the differences between his city and my city and the types of people there. Places to eat in my city while he is here. Where the best BBQ is. One the conversation is started, pick stuff out from what they say and ask questions about it or, if you know something about the subject, mention something about it. If all else fails, just keep asking them questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. That's what my brother-in-law does. He sells insurance and he'll get you to tell him all of your likes and dislikes as well as as much as he can get of your life story in about five minutes. He's another person I know who can literally talk to anyone. 

Hope that helps.


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## Philip (Oct 20, 2011)

InSlaveryToChrist said:


> So, if one cannot find words to edify others then he's in guilt of not edifying others, right?



Listening can be just as edifying as saying something. I have been in many situations where my saying anything at all, no matter how well-intentioned, would have been unhelpful. There are times when people have just needed to vent to me, and that's fine. I try to be a safe person, not one who thinks he has all the answers.



InSlaveryToChrist said:


> I nowhere said feeling uncomfortable IS sin, I simply made the implication that uneasiness is a natural result of sin.



One can be ill-at-ease for any number of reasons. I can be ill at ease because I'm in a situation where the cultural customs are far different from the ones I am used to and therefore I have to be cautious lest I do something rude. Let's not assume that being uncomfortable is always the result of sin: everyone is uncomfortable in situations where they are aware that their social skills are lacking or they missed the memo or just that they don't have much common ground. I'm going to feel awkward turning up to a cookout wearing a suit; I can't very well contribute to a conversation about sports given that I know and care little about the subject; the list goes on.



InSlaveryToChrist said:


> If you have any Biblical resources regarding shyness as a psychological problem (yet the author of which would acknowledge that shyness can also be a moral issue), please, recommend some.



This is mostly drawn from experience, actually. The people I tend to hang out with are often introverted. I would echo the idea above that, at a core level, being at ease in social situations and contributing usefully to conversation are skills, not traits. Does it necessarily mean that you are in sin if you're not good at it and therefore reluctant to engage in it? Not any more than it is sinful to be unskilled in science and therefore reluctant to take upper-level biology.


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## bookslover (Oct 20, 2011)

I remember reading some psychology-type person's article in which he said that shyness is really just yet another manifestation of narcissism - that people are "shy" because they spend their time wondering what people will think about them. In other words, to this guy, being shy is really just another version of "it's all about ME."


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## a mere housewife (Oct 21, 2011)

Jane Austen, one of the most sensible women ever to express herself, knew better than that psych article. Shyness goes with sensitivity and a more hesitant personality in general. It is something to try to be overcome insofar as it interferes with the duties of love. It is not something to be overcome insofar as it turns one into an insensitive, overbearing, or rude individual, who has no idea when to be silent. All of our natural characteristics are to be overcome insofar as they interfere with love. However I am not convinced that the duties of love are as undistinguishing as the world generally wants to make them, in its idea of the well adapted individual. God is the one who made us, and He made us to be dutiful in certain spheres, with certain priorities. Some of those spheres are naturally not as large as others; and the usefulness or companionableness of some people in their sphere depends more on qualities that go along with sensitivity or self awareness (Jane Austen was self aware: so was John Owen). We are all narcissistic by nature -- 'shyness' has no more natural claim on that than 'boldness' -- and we must all seek to adapt ourselves to duties that are not generic and across the board, but that are providentially to be expressed more towards some individuals, and have more to do in some circumstances, than others.


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## InSlaveryToChrist (Oct 21, 2011)

P. F. Pugh said:


> InSlaveryToChrist said:
> 
> 
> > I nowhere said feeling uncomfortable IS sin, I simply made the implication that uneasiness is a natural result of sin.
> ...



I think I didn't phrase my sentence right. My intention was to say that while sin does not always follow uneasiness, uneasiness always follows sin. In other words, where there is sin, there is uneasiness also -- but where there is uneasiness, there is not sin necessarily.



> InSlaveryToChrist said:
> 
> 
> > If you have any Biblical resources regarding shyness as a psychological problem (yet the author of which would acknowledge that shyness can also be a moral issue), please, recommend some.
> ...



But what about a situation where you know you have something edifying to say, but you cannot because you're too "shy?" Does shyness become a justification, then, for not saying what is beneficial to others? Or are we not obligated to bless others?


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## Philip (Oct 21, 2011)

InSlaveryToChrist said:


> But what about a situation where you know you have something edifying to say, but you cannot because you're too "shy?" Does shyness become a justification, then, for not saying what is beneficial to others?



Described thusly, yes it's become an excuse.


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## itsreed (Oct 21, 2011)

Eric: my basic makeup has been introvert-extremely shy, with an awkward personality. I'm one of those persons who to this day a certain percentage that a people (thankfully small) the first time they meet me, before I've even finished saying "hi," decide they do not like me and never will. And no, I'm hardly exaggerating. A lot of my lifer has been very painful. Social settings are usually very, very physically draining for me. That God called me to be a pastor still regularly amazes me.

When I was a very young believer two things occurred that blessed me in these weaknesses. The first was through my involvement in a large singles group (100+). The Spirit had gotten a hold of me with the needs of others. I realized one day that the gregarious guy and the bubbly gal had the same kinds of fears I did, fears about what other's thought of them. This then was used of the Spirit to yield some key repentance and faith. 

This realization led first to repentance - I am convinced that in my case shyness fed a deep, deep selfishness. I not only was afraid no one would like me (many didn't), I wanted everyone to think I was the greatest.

Then this realization led to faith - I decided to trust God, ask him to help me stop focusing on myself and start focusing on the needs of others. I was helped in this by realizing that their deepest need was just the same as mine, and that it often expressed itself in same or similar ways. People's motives and behavior, in spite of even dramatic cultural differences, are basically the same, since we're all sons of Adam. Deep inside we all know we're in trouble with someone/thing who is not going to let us off (Rom 1:19-21), and this inherent real fear, under the dominion of sin, yields all the various kinds of selfishness we see. Basically we're tying to get others to like us enough that we can suppress the real fear of God resident in our souls.

I found myself making a commitment to help others hear and learn the gospel. Almost immediately I found myself leading the singles group, and being substantially used of the Spirit in both witness and discipleship.

The second thing that helped me during this period was a boss who saw management potential in me (I'm very organized). To help me develop people skills he paid for me to take the Dale Carnegie Public Speaking course. Hands down this was the most practical and helpful course I have ever taken, in terms of my shyness.

I don't know your soul, but I'd encourage you to ask the Spirit to reveal the "hidden" sins of your heart. In what ways does your shyness support your fallen motives and goals. This may or may not be a key issue. Then I'd ask the Spirit to deepen both your love for him and his love for his people into your soul. Mt 9:36-38 was especially helpful in my prayers. Last I'd express my faith in a simple manner - go get some training in something that forces you to learn how to overcome the habits of your shyness. 

I expect you will find the Spirit blessing.


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## py3ak (Oct 26, 2011)

Zenas said:


> If all else fails, just keep asking them questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. That's what my brother-in-law does. He sells insurance and he'll get you to tell him all of your likes and dislikes as well as as much as he can get of your life story in about five minutes. He's another person I know who can literally talk to anyone.



I don't like it when people I don't already know ask me questions about myself. In general asking people about themselves seems to work, and I do that myself, but there are some scattered individuals for whom that is a bad approach. As far as I'm concerned, you can monologue away about whatever your pet peeve is and it will have some entertainment value for me.


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