# Seeking a wife



## JPT (Jun 5, 2012)

Forgive me if this isn't the best forum to post in. I was debating between this one, Family Forum, and General Discussions.

To be frank, I'm seeking a wife, specifically one who is wanting to be a homemaker and a homeschooling mom. I read one time that it's not good to say that to women for some reason or another.



What are your thoughts on this?
Is it wrong to "pass by" Godly women because they're wanting to go the career path rather than a homemaker path?
Is it wrong that I refuse to send my future kids to public/private school?


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## TylerRay (Jun 5, 2012)

Jeremy,

1. I say let her know up front.

2. "How can two walk together unless they be agreed?"

3. No. You've got the right idea as far as that goes.

I have the same views as you on these things, and I'm dating a like-minded young lady and have been for over a year and a half. It took me a while to find someone who agreed with me, but the Lord provided. But we didn't agree on everything at first. There were issues to work through, but we did agree from the get-go on the roles of men and women, and on home education.


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## JPT (Jun 5, 2012)

TylerRay said:


> 1. I say let her know up front.
> 2. "How can two walk together unless they be agreed?"
> 3. No. You've got the right idea as far as that goes.



Thanks for the input, Tyler! 1/2: Yeah, the "advice" I got a while back made me confuzled beyond confused because of this. I don't remember who said it, but I do remember it being someone of prominence. But for me the issue of homeschooling is just too important to me. It's the difference between raising my kids in the admonition/discipline of the Lord and sending my kids off to some place to be indoctrinated with worldly thoughts and ideas from both teachers and students.




TylerRay said:


> I have the same views as you on these things, and I'm dating a like-minded young lady and have been for over a year and a half. It took me a while to find someone who agreed with me, but the Lord provided. But we didn't agree on everything at first. There were issues to work through, but we did agree from the get-go on the roles of men and women, and on home education.



Well, I be jealous!  I'm 23 on the 20th and just asked a beautiful, Godly woman's father for permission to ask her out to coffee to get to know each other more. He said no due to her not being interested in anyone. :-/

Through my conversation with her father, I became very curious about why that advice was given.

Now, I guess I'm back on the search...


I guess I have a 4th question...
4. Is it ok to "pass by" Godly women because of cultural differences?


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## MarieP (Jun 5, 2012)

JPT said:


> Is it wrong to "pass by" Godly women because they're wanting to go the career path rather than a homemaker path?



Honestly, a desire to pursue a career at the expense of raising a family would give me great pause. Granted, she might be untaught on the issue- but she ought to be teachable! A godly wife's heart is going to be for her home, even if, in God's providence, she works outside of it. There's a spectrum of what Titus 2 means by "workers at home" but everyone would agree that the home ought to be her priority. Obviously, the Proverbs 31 woman is doing more than staying cooped up in her house all day. She sells linen garments and buys land- and they didn't have eBay then!

So, in your question, I'd take this sister aside and ask her to humbly think about what the Bible says about the family, and then see how she reacts. That will tell you much right there about how godly she truly is.


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## TylerRay (Jun 5, 2012)

MarieP said:


> Honestly, this would give me pause as to how Godly the woman is, truly. Granted, she might be untaught on the issue- but she ought to be teachable! A godly wife's heart is going to be for her home, even if, in God's providence, it's necessary for her to work outside of it.



I agree there. Teachability is key. I suppose I didn't take that into consideration.



JPT said:


> Well, I be jealous!  I'm 23 on the 20th



I didn't realize we were so close! I'll be 22 in a week.



JPT said:


> I guess I have a 4th question...
> 4. Is it ok to "pass by" Godly women because of cultural differences?



I guess that just depends on what kind of cultural differences. As with a lot of things there, it's hard to give a one-size-fits-all.

I have some friends who met there spouses on www.sovereigngracesingles.com/

You might check it out.


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## Edward (Jun 5, 2012)

JPT said:


> He said no due to her not being interested in anyone. :-/



That's not why I'd say 'no'. But perhaps he was just being diplomatic.


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## Philip (Jun 5, 2012)

JPT said:


> What are your thoughts on this?
> Is it wrong to "pass by" Godly women because they're wanting to go the career path rather than a homemaker path?
> Is it wrong that I refuse to send my future kids to public/private school?



1. Be honest but not forward.
2. No. There are more wrong answers than right ones.
3. Not if you have a conviction about it.



JPT said:


> 4. Is it ok to "pass by" Godly women because of cultural differences?



Such as?

I'm in something of this boat myself (and my aspirations to seminary and graduate school complicate matters) and I guess the only advice I can give is to be willing to try doors to see if God opens or closes them. It has taken me the last four years to be ok with hearing "no" in this area---and it's freeing.


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## JoannaV (Jun 5, 2012)

When someone is seeking a spouse they should be open and truthful about such things from the beginning. Of course be tactful about it. And be open to discussion before ruling someone out. Some women may appear to be career-oriented before you talk to them, but you may find their views are actually the same as yours.


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## Miss Marple (Jun 5, 2012)

I'd like to take a stab at your questions, and take my answers for what they are worth - I am sympathetic to your stated goals, and am a mother both to adult sons and to (ineligible!) daughters. That said:

1. I find men who know their own minds to be very attractive. I don't mean a fellow who spouts his own preferences in a swaggering way; but rather one that firmly and humbly holds on to his convictions; willing to be convinced otherwise only by good reasoning and Scripture. I think many if not most women feel the same way. Not too many of us are looking for mushpots.

2. Don't pass her by as "career minded" unless you are sure she really is. There is a young lady at our church, for example, who is a full time schoolteacher and is considering getting a Master's degree of some sort. You might assume she is career minded, but she is actually debating what to do as she may need to provide for herself since she has no fiance. 

So you have to go ahead and get to know people a little bit, first. Men resist that, don't they? Well, you have to put yourself out there. A woman who seems career minded may be just trying to accept the idea that God does not have a husband for her.

However, if you get to know her well enough to be certain she plans on pursuing her career over her family if married, kindly explain to her your perspective. If you really like her, give her some time to respond. Maybe you will change her mind.

3. No, that is a personal and biblical conviction. Are there any instances in which you would change your mind? Perhaps a Christian school if your wife becomes incapacitated? Perhaps a co-op if your wife feels insecure? It would be nice to see some parameters as the idea of home schooling a potentially large family can be intimidating to some. Assurances of your help and practical support, like perhaps use of satellite schools or tutors or a Grandma who will teach the French lessons or whatever might help reassure a potential wife.

Hope this is helpful.


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## nicnap (Jun 5, 2012)

JPT said:


> Is it wrong to "pass by" Godly women because they're wanting to go the career path rather than a homemaker path?



Just a thought; you might want to spell this out more. Do you mean they are wanting to go to college, etc. in order to provide for themselves if the Lord doesn't send them a husband, or do you mean they want to go to college in order to have a successful job where they might get rich, then have a child (who may or may not be raised by a nanny) ... etc.? Not all women who seem to be on a "career path" are against the "homemaker path". Some are just being wise and seeking ways to provide if the Lord doesn't send a husband to them.


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## Supersillymanable (Jun 6, 2012)

Miss Marple said:


> So you have to go ahead and get to know people a little bit, first. Men resist that, don't they? Well, you have to put yourself out there. A woman who seems career minded may be just trying to accept the idea that God does not have a husband for her.



This is so important. You may meet someone who agrees with you on a lot of stuff, but you find out later, is completely unteachable and so it actually less suited to say, someone you disagree on over a few issues, but is humble and teachable. The second, though maybe less knowledgeable, is definitely more wise. I would seek someone who is humble and teachable as well as godly first, not someone who agree's with you on all these things, as if they are humble, then you will encourage each other towards the best solution, not simply go along with each others preconceptions etc. Just my quick thoughts.


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## lynnie (Jun 6, 2012)

So, you want to insist that your wife do all the higher level maths and lab sciences at home, schlep the kids to piano and art and sports and all the rest, even if you are making nice money and could afford to put them in a good Christian school?

Perhaps the ones with the brains and organizational skills to do that without extreme stress and resentment are the same ones who currently like having a career. You really want the girl who barely passed high school and is flipping burgers to supervise physics class and 12th grade English?

For thousands of years, women did all sorts of things that have been removed from the home. Nursing, production of household goods, teaching children. Of course with babies and toddlers it is best to be at home, I agree, but many careers are godly and feminine. I know a lot of moms who work at the kids Christian school and get the summer off. I think your hopes are too narrow. You don't want a hard driving feminist CEO or lawyer who works 70 hour weeks in an agressive environment, but careers differ and a school teacher or nurse might be a wonderful blessing and great Mom.

And yeah, be honest, maybe not on the first date but at least as soon as the first sparks fly. Many women would love a guy with your attitude, and not a guy who expects her to earn a lot and stick kids in day care. I wanted an old fashioned guy and have been very happily married for almost 33 years as mom at home to 5 kids. Lots of girls still want that.


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## OPC'n (Jun 6, 2012)

Never settle for anything less than what you want in a wife (as long as you don't want perfection) because it will be for life!


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## AThornquist (Jun 6, 2012)

I don't have anything to add to what has been said in the previous posts, but I just thought I'd say that I'm over in Ukiah, am 22, and am courting a godly young lady who is like-minded in all the areas you mentioned and more, including the desire to be lifelong missionaries to a certain foreign country to reach M*u*sl*ms. Keep on the search, brother. Keep asking, seeking, knocking... In the Lord's timing, what is best for you will happen. Also remember, sometimes the Lord doesn't bring us a spouse because _she_ isn't ready. Be praying for her too. Blessings, brother!


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## jwithnell (Jun 6, 2012)

Courting is more the Biblical model In my humble opinion. If you are seeing someone because you are both trying to see the appropriateness of marriage, then you should be very open about what you want for your life and family. I can second the previous posts about not making too many assumptions based on the woman's current life beyond a love for Christ. I went all-out in my career, and now go all-out for my family. (I also failed to mention that I was Presbyterian right away because I was afraid to be associated with the mainline church, but my now-husband caught on when discussing the writings of the reformers : )


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## JPT (Jun 8, 2012)

Thanks everyone for putting in your two cents. I definitely have a lot to think and pray about.



MarieP said:


> Honestly, a desire to pursue a career at the expense of raising a family would give me great pause. Granted, she might be untaught on the issue- but she ought to be teachable! A godly wife's heart is going to be for her home, even if, in God's providence, she works outside of it. There's a spectrum of what Titus 2 means by "workers at home" but everyone would agree that the home ought to be her priority. Obviously, the Proverbs 31 woman is doing more than staying cooped up in her house all day. She sells linen garments and buys land- and they didn't have eBay then!
> 
> So, in your question, I'd take this sister aside and ask her to humbly think about what the Bible says about the family, and then see how she reacts. That will tell you much right there about how godly she truly is.





TylerRay said:


> I didn't realize we were so close! I'll be 22 in a week.





TylerRay said:


> I guess that just depends on what kind of cultural differences. As with a lot of things there, it's hard to give a one-size-fits-all.
> 
> I have some friends who met there spouses on www.sovereigngracesingles.com/
> 
> You might check it out.



I have thought about online sites like sovereign grace singles, and I actually signed up for Christian Mingle a while back and recently reactivated my account to see if there was anyone that "stuck out", but instead I got 0 matches... ha! I'm not a huge fan of meeting someone online anyway. I'd much prefer getting to know a potential someone through interactions at Church first.



Edward said:


> That's not why I'd say 'no'. But perhaps he was just being diplomatic.



Haha, I'm not sure what all went in behind his saying no, but I wish to respect his decision.



JoannaV said:


> When someone is seeking a spouse they should be open and truthful about such things from the beginning. Of course be tactful about it. And be open to discussion before ruling someone out. Some women may appear to be career-oriented before you talk to them, but you may find their views are actually the same as yours.





Miss Marple said:


> 2. Don't pass her by as "career minded" unless you are sure she really is. There is a young lady at our church, for example, who is a full time schoolteacher and is considering getting a Master's degree of some sort. You might assume she is career minded, but she is actually debating what to do as she may need to provide for herself since she has no fiance.
> 
> So you have to go ahead and get to know people a little bit, first. Men resist that, don't they? Well, you have to put yourself out there. A woman who seems career minded may be just trying to accept the idea that God does not have a husband for her.
> 
> However, if you get to know her well enough to be certain she plans on pursuing her career over her family if married, kindly explain to her your perspective. If you really like her, give her some time to respond. Maybe you will change her mind.


Yeah, I'm aware of this. There are at least a couple of Godly women I know at church who either are in a career or are heading towards a career, but I'm 100% positive that they would give it all up when the right guy came along.



Miss Marple said:


> 1. I find men who know their own minds to be very attractive. I don't mean a fellow who spouts his own preferences in a swaggering way; but rather one that firmly and humbly holds on to his convictions; willing to be convinced otherwise only by good reasoning and Scripture. I think many if not most women feel the same way. Not too many of us are looking for mushpots.



I definitely have some growing to do in this area, but since being saved in '08 I've been slowly becoming more firm and bold in my beliefs. It's been a struggle for me being completely anti-social for most my life, but God has been gracious.



Supersillymanable said:


> This is so important. You may meet someone who agrees with you on a lot of stuff, but you find out later, is completely unteachable and so it actually less suited to say, someone you disagree on over a few issues, but is humble and teachable. The second, though maybe less knowledgeable, is definitely more wise. I would seek someone who is humble and teachable as well as godly first, not someone who agree's with you on all these things, as if they are humble, then you will encourage each other towards the best solution, not simply go along with each others preconceptions etc. Just my quick thoughts.





OPC'n said:


> Never settle for anything less than what you want in a wife (as long as you don't want perfection) because it will be for life!



Too bad, I'm looking for perfection! 



AThornquist said:


> I don't have anything to add to what has been said in the previous posts, but I just thought I'd say that I'm over in Ukiah, am 22, and am courting a godly young lady who is like-minded in all the areas you mentioned and more, including the desire to be lifelong missionaries to a certain foreign country to reach M*u*sl*ms. Keep on the search, brother. Keep asking, seeking, knocking... In the Lord's timing, what is best for you will happen. Also remember, sometimes the Lord doesn't bring us a spouse because _she_ isn't ready. Be praying for her too. Blessings, brother!



Praise God for the woman He has brought into your life and both of your desires to reach lost people with the Gospel! 



jwithnell said:


> Courting is more the Biblical model In my humble opinion. If you are seeing someone because you are both trying to see the appropriateness of marriage, then you should be very open about what you want for your life and family. I can second the previous posts about not making too many assumptions based on the woman's current life beyond a love for Christ. I went all-out in my career, and now go all-out for my family. (I also failed to mention that I was Presbyterian right away because I was afraid to be associated with the mainline church, but my now-husband caught on when discussing the writings of the reformers : )



Amen, brother! I'm definitely pro-courtship myself. However, I have a bad habit of switching words up and use "dating" instead 



Again, thanks for all your input and thought everyone! I appreciate it tons


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## kappazei (Jun 8, 2012)

JPT said:


> 4. Is it ok to "pass by" Godly women because of cultural differences?



Yes, it most certainly is ok. Take it from one who has married cross-culturally. But if you do consider a woman from a different ethnic/cultural back ground, a big consideration is, can your prospective wife and your mother communicate fluently? My mother-inlaw passed away fairly early and my mother, because of the language barrier, could not be a good mentor to my wife. Some cultures are more compatible than others ofcourse. My wife and I will be married 30 yrs this September, BTW and it's been good.


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## Mushroom (Jun 8, 2012)

jwithnell is a dear sister, not a brother.


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## malum in se (Jun 9, 2012)

You should consider checking out Marry Well - The Lodge my wife and I met through this site. Marrywell is a Christian site loosely associated with Focus on the Family and their young adults site Boundless. One of the advantages to Marrywell as opposed to other christian dating sites is that they encourage you to have references (people that can support and guide you in your path to marriage). You can browse people based on their theological preferences church background and affiliation. An advantage to online 'dating' is that it gives you a larger pool of potential spouses, though it is definitely not for everyone.


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## kappazei (Jun 9, 2012)

Brad said:


> jwithnell is a dear sister, not a brother


 Oops. Sorry about that.


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## moral necessity (Jun 9, 2012)

JPT said:


> To be frank, I'm seeking a wife...



"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord." - Proverbs 18:22


Just remember that you are seeking for something that is provided for you by somebody else. Direct your seeking through him, as he is the source and fountain of such blessings.

Prayers in this regard...


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