# A Question of Pursuit



## Ephrata (Aug 30, 2014)

Hello, my friends!

After a long bit away from the forum, I have yet another question about gender roles to place on your collective wisdom (sorry if this is grating; hopefully it is fruitful to others as well as me). My question is this: is it ever appropriate for a woman to actively pursue a man in any way, or to express the wish for a man to pursue her? There seems to be something of an egalitarian culture in both the secular and Christian dating scene, which is clearly wrong, but I've known many godly couples whose men seemed to need some encouragement before engaging in pursuit of the lady's heart. Where do you folks draw the line? Should I encourage my brothers to refuse a woman who don't allow them to make the first move? Am I allowed to express interest to a young man, should one come along? Personally, I have no wish to bow to culture, but there does not seem to be a hard and fast rule in the Bible on how to wisely navigate the 21st century Christian courting scene (not that there's much of a scene on-campus, anyhow).

Thank you!


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## SeanPatrickCornell (Aug 30, 2014)

Every time I read the book of Ruth, I cannot help but notice that it is Ruth that pursues Boaz. 

Yes, I understand that "narrative isn't always normative", but... well, nothing in that book hints in any way to it being wrong for Ruth to pursue Boaz.


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## SolaScriptura (Aug 30, 2014)

I definitely think it is ok to show interest and encourage a man to engage.

Many good men don't know how to read a woman and therefore don't know the difference between how "I'm being cordial," "I like you as a friend," and "I am romantically attracted to you" look in real life. So it can be helpful to clarify.


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## SeanPatrickCornell (Aug 30, 2014)

Hear, hear, Ben


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## Edward (Aug 30, 2014)

By the time a decent guy is past his mid or late 20s, he probably isn't going to make any move unless he's getting positive signals.


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## Ephrata (Aug 30, 2014)

Oh, wow. This is totally different than what a lot of culture teaches. That's actually pretty encouraging. Thank you all! Do any women have input?


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## SolaScriptura (Aug 30, 2014)

Ephrata said:


> That's actually pretty encouraging.



I'm glad you're encouraged. But please bear this in mind: if, even after you make it clear that you're interested in him, he still displays unwillingness or hesitancy to take initiative, I think this should be a warning sign. Not necessarily a sign that he doesn't like you, but rather a sign that he may not be prepared to be the kind of leader that a man should be.


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## Ephrata (Aug 30, 2014)

> I'm glad you're encouraged. But please bear this in mind: if, even after you make it clear that you're interested in him, he still displays unwillingness or hesitancy to take initiative, I think this should be a warning sign. Not necessarily a sign that he doesn't like you, but rather a sign that he may not be prepared to be the kind of leader that a man should be.



Ah. Understood. So you would summarize it as unauthoritative encouragement, then. That makes good sense.


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## SeanPatrickCornell (Aug 30, 2014)

All I know is that as a man in my very early 40s, I don't even bother anymore unless the woman practically has a neon sign over her head that says, "Hey! I like you! Ask me out!"

Kidding. But you get the picture.


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## timmopussycat (Aug 30, 2014)

SolaScriptura said:


> Ephrata said:
> 
> 
> > That's actually pretty encouraging.
> ...



While such non-responsiveness should be a red flag, it does not necessarily mean that the man is not prepared to be a biblical leader in all situations. It may mean something else: in at least one case known to me, it was a sign that the man was emotionally uneasy with the prospect of marriage to the individual women who initiated the situation.

And while the book of Ruth makes it clear that bad consequences do not always follow when women start the dance, my wife and I are both happier when we see courtships where the initiative came from the man. Having been in both positions, I learned that one thing that has kept me going through the hard places of our marriage, was my pre-marriage emotional certainty that I was courting an amazing Christian girl, (which has since been exceedingly abundantly bourne out by what has followed!). This kind of certainty was not present in an earlier situation when the lady was more encouraging than I was ready for. I wonder if perhaps this difference is meant to be built into "marriage DNA": since marriage is a type of Christ and the church, and since salvation came from God to the church, perhaps it is easier for a marriage to flourish when the courtship is initiated by the man? Pure speculation offered for what it's worth. your mileage may vary.


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