# Friends and the Adult Christians



## nickipicki123 (Sep 22, 2018)

How did you, as a single Christian adult, go about making friends who live near you?

Did your church have groups for young adults?

I thought this article was interesting:
https://www.scienceofpeople.com/group-of-friends/


Also this video:


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## sc_q_jayce (Sep 28, 2018)

nickipicki123 said:


> How did you, as a single Christian adult, go about making friends who live near you?
> 
> Did your church have groups for young adults?
> 
> ...


Honestly? I invited people over to our home for a meal. Or I would "invite myself" over to their home to say hello and spend time with them. Or I would "happen to stop by" and just shoot the breeze. When I was single I knew all of my neighbors simply from doing what I just said above. At the time our church did not have a group for young adults; it was too small a church to sustain such a group for any extended period of time.


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## earl40 (Sep 28, 2018)

When I was a single adult, a long long time ago, I made friends on common interests. Some of them would be fishing, surfing, and such. Then along came my wife Tina and children, which threw a monkey wrench on many of those relationships.


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## Pergamum (Sep 28, 2018)

When you get a wife and some kids, those are now your friends. 

I distrust especially any woman that has a family at home but regularly goes out with her friends. Unless it is related to work or ministry, vast swathes of time spent on friends when you've got a family at home is misused time.


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## nickipicki123 (Sep 28, 2018)

Pergamum said:


> When you get a wife and some kids, those are now your friends.
> 
> I distrust especially any woman that has a family at home but regularly goes out with her friends. Unless it is related to work or ministry, vast swathes of time spent on friends when you've got a family at home is misused time.


So you can't have friends until you get married?
Seems a bit off

This post wasn't asking about what to do once you have a family. Sometimes being a single Christian can be very lonely, and I was asking what to do for people in that position. Someone who's married is in a different phase of life.

Now, you could just say, "Get married, then you won't be lonely." But not everyone has marriage options. 

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## Smeagol (Sep 28, 2018)

Pergamum said:


> When you get a wife and some kids, those are now your friends.
> 
> I distrust especially any woman that has a family at home but regularly goes out with her friends. Unless it is related to work or ministry, vast swathes of time spent on friends when you've got a family at home is misused time.


Perg,

I disagree brother. My wife is a great women (quite trustworthy) and works very hard with teaching (private Christian School 5th graders), house work, serving our Church, and taking care of our 2 daughters. Of course we both work hard, but my point:

Bottom line she needs a break every now and then, which I am happy to provide, so she can go hang out with some of her other "mom" friends or have herself some "me" time. I would hope you of all would understand that sometimes work & ministry can leave you feeling "burned-out" and in need of some R&R. True a wife could abuse this, but so could I. There is NO immediate reason to distrust a mother, just because you see her out in public recreational shopping with a friend.

Maybe I am misreading reading you. If so, you may need to clarify your statement. Otherwise your statement seems like a "ready, fire, aim".


@OP...maybe check out your local Bingo Night!....haha
But more seriously..through the Church and through hobbies.

Reactions: Like 1


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## JimmyH (Sep 28, 2018)

I got divorced, after 12 years of marriage, in 1984. I came close to tying the knot again, but didn't after all. Being very involved in my congregation is my way of making new friends. I do have some friends, a few, outside of those I go to church with, but only a few who I've known for decades. Also in my 55 & older condo community. I've made friends with neighbors. At 70, and with a fixed income, I don't get out and engage in secular groups for exercise, social events, but if you do, there would be another opportunity to make new friends.


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## earl40 (Sep 28, 2018)

JimmyH said:


> I got divorced, after 12 years of marriage, in 1984. I came close to tying the knot again, but didn't after all. Being very involved in my congregation is my way of making new friends. I do have some friends, a few, outside of those I go to church with, but only a few who I've known for decades. Also in my 55 & older condo community. I've made friends with neighbors. At 70, and with a fixed income, I don't get out and engage in secular groups for exercise, social events, but if you do, there would be another opportunity to make new friends.



So Jim are you friends with your next door neighbor President Trump?

Reactions: Funny 1


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## JimmyH (Sep 28, 2018)

earl40 said:


> So Jim are you friends with your next door neighbor President Trump?


Did you see his press conference last week ? I think he is going to make America great again ! I've never met, nor spoken with him, but I intend to vote for him, Lord willing, in the next presidential election and fervently pray that he is victorious.


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## Pergamum (Sep 28, 2018)

Grant Jones said:


> Perg,
> 
> I disagree brother. My wife is a great women (quite trustworthy) and works very hard with teaching (private Christian School 5th graders), house work, serving our Church, and taking care of our 2 daughters. Of course we both work hard, but my point:
> 
> ...



After marriage your family and not your friends are your main focus, especially for wives. After you marry you lose track of friends because you are supposed to. They are no longer your main focus. 

For a married guy, maybe a theology night once a week might be possible. For the wives, maybe a lunch once a week might be possible. But my point is that after marriage, all your efforts are towards keeping the household going. Social needs outside the home get minimized. That is why single people have a hard time with making friends with married families in church. There is simply too little time to add a new friend. 

I've made friends working out with my son when he was allowed into the circle, like for jui-jitsu. But "just hanging out with friends" is not something that healthy married folks do all the time. All things must serve a greater purpose and further the state of the home.


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## Jack K (Sep 28, 2018)

Pergamum said:


> But "just hanging out with friends" is not something that healthy married folks do all the time. All things must serve a greater purpose and further the state of the home.



I accept your point that the focus of relationships changes with marriage. But I'm not sure that for everyone, in all ways, it is an either/or situation. My wife's friendships give her Christian encouragement and respite that are healthy for her, ultimately furthering the state of the home.

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## Pergamum (Sep 28, 2018)

Jack K said:


> I accept your point that the focus of relationships changes with marriage. But I'm not sure that for everyone, in all ways, it is an either/or situation. My wife's friendships give her Christian encouragement and respite that are healthy for her, ultimately furthering the state of the home.


I suppose taking my wife off to various military posts and then another continent for missions makes my context an extreme one. Friends relocate and so do we. But the constant is family. If a husband or wife is distracted from family overly much by friends, these are wrong priorities. That is why it is harder to make friends after one gets married and has kids. And that is how it should be normally.


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## Smeagol (Sep 28, 2018)

Pergamum said:


> I suppose taking my wife off to various military posts and then another continent for missions makes my context an extreme one. Friends relocate and so do we. But the constant is family. If a husband or wife is distracted from family overly much by friends, these are wrong priorities. That is why it is harder to make friends after one gets married and has kids. And that is how it should be normally.


Pergamum,

I like this wording much better. I agree.


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## Pergamum (Sep 28, 2018)

Grant Jones said:


> Pergamum,
> 
> I like this wording much better. I agree.


I would still warn you against getting a wife that likes to go out "recreational shopping" with friends regularly, though!  Unless she's buying stuff for her family.

Reactions: Funny 1


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## Smeagol (Sep 28, 2018)

Pergamum said:


> I would still warn you against getting a wife that likes to go out "recreational shopping" with friends regularly, though!  Unless she's buying stuff for her family.


Hmmmm Maybe... just depends on ones definition of regularly. My wife and I often shop together. She might hang with some ladies from church once a month or so.
I in no way limit it, because praise the Lord it has never been an issue.

I will always approve of her recreational shopping if buying me a cigar .


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## Jack K (Sep 28, 2018)

nickipicki123 said:


> How did you, as a single Christian adult, go about making friends who live near you?
> 
> Did your church have groups for young adults?



My church during my single years had many other single adults. I think it would have been very hard to make good, Christian friends without the contacts I had through my church.

Our circle of single friends from church included a few folks who belonged to other churches that didn't have many singles. We always welcomed in those people. 

Christian friendships are important. If your church doesn't have many good candidates for friendship, I think you ought to look beyond your own church. Are there other solid-enough churches in town that do have single adults? When and where do those people gather? How can you become part of their circle without abandoning your own church?


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## nickipicki123 (Sep 28, 2018)

Pergamum said:


> After marriage your family and not your friends are your main focus, especially for wives. After you marry you lose track of friends because you are supposed to. They are no longer your main focus.
> 
> For a married guy, maybe a theology night once a week might be possible. For the wives, maybe a lunch once a week might be possible. But my point is that after marriage, all your efforts are towards keeping the household going. Social needs outside the home get minimized. That is why single people have a hard time with making friends with married families in church. There is simply too little time to add a new friend.
> 
> I've made friends working out with my son when he was allowed into the circle, like for jui-jitsu. But "just hanging out with friends" is not something that healthy married folks do all the time. All things must serve a greater purpose and further the state of the home.


Oh, I definitely understand why my married friends to not have as much time to "just hang out". My question was more about making friends with other single adult Christians. 


I'll cross the marriage friendship bridge when I get there! 


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## nickipicki123 (Sep 28, 2018)

Jack K said:


> My church during my single years had many other single adults. I think it would have been very hard to make good, Christian friends without the contacts I had through my church.
> 
> Our circle of single friends from church included a few folks who belonged to other churches that didn't have many singles. We always welcomed in those people.
> 
> Christian friendships are important. If your church doesn't have many good candidates for friendship, I think you ought to look beyond your own church. Are there other solid-enough churches in town that do have single adults? When and where do those people gather? How can you become part of their circle without abandoning your own church?


My church isn't huge, and it's mostly families (who are all awesome and very hospitable btw). 
There is a singles group that I sometimes go to, but it's at an Evangelical church not a Reformed Church. I should go more often though. 

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## Afterthought (Sep 28, 2018)

nickipicki123 said:


> There is a singles group that I sometimes go to, but it's at an Evangelical church not a Reformed Church. I should go more often though.


That's what I do, except it's a student (not specifically singles) group. In my experience, it can be hard to make close friendships due to the differences of religion (which lead to differences in tastes, opinions, spiritual maturity, other maturity, what one likes to do with one's time, etc.) in such a setting, but it can be helpful nevertheless.

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## ZackF (Sep 28, 2018)

If your standard is single Reformed Christians only then you will have it tougher. While as Perg said, time for married couples diminishes as they get older but some families are more given to hospitality. Find out who they are and go to some of their meals and open houses. You'll meet others there.

Married men without children often have time to 'hang' more as their wives will spend time her friends or his mother-in-law that he would just as soon avoid. I had the opposite situation when I got married. My wife was shy and had just moved 900 miles to marry me. Finally after a few months of marriage I handed her a chunk of money and told as her husband I was ordering her to call two or three women at church and take them to lunch. I wanted her to have these relationships independent of me or however often we could get together as couples. Almost ten years later she has close relationships with women at all of the reformed churches in the city. Men who have relocated for work have trouble meeting new friends so be on the lookout for them at church.

If you're willing to branch out and do things you like from astronomy to zoology there are organizations to get involved in. They won't all be Christian but if you're mature enough that shouldn't be a problem.

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## TheOldCourse (Sep 30, 2018)

Pergamum said:


> After marriage your family and not your friends are your main focus, especially for wives. After you marry you lose track of friends because you are supposed to. They are no longer your main focus.
> 
> For a married guy, maybe a theology night once a week might be possible. For the wives, maybe a lunch once a week might be possible. But my point is that after marriage, all your efforts are towards keeping the household going. Social needs outside the home get minimized. That is why single people have a hard time with making friends with married families in church. There is simply too little time to add a new friend.
> 
> I've made friends working out with my son when he was allowed into the circle, like for jui-jitsu. But "just hanging out with friends" is not something that healthy married folks do all the time. All things must serve a greater purpose and further the state of the home.



While I agree in the main, we should also be careful about painting with too broad a brush. One of the benefits (with concomitant temptations) of our modern, industrialized society is that those works of necessity such as preparing meals, vocational labors, maintaining the home, caring for the children, etc. take up less and often far less of our weeks than they did in the past. This gives many of us a great deal more free time which may well be spent in cultivating godly friendships. While free time and "hanging out" can be idolatrous when overindulged, so can overmuch preoccupation with familial duties. 

When we read letters and memoirs of many of the foremost divines of the past, we see that many had exceedingly close friends that they valued deeply, often moreso than we in our cold age do, and doubtless they had more time devoted to their familial and ministerial responsibilities than many of us. Certainly, priorities change with marriage and the birth of children and that does affect our friendships. But I would contend that it should not utterly displace them in most of our situations.

A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: 
and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

To the OP, church is my main avenue of making friends as an adult, while also some have arisen with colleagues in my vocational field.

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## jwithnell (Sep 30, 2018)

I was rather disheartened by some of this thread. 

If you envision women friends as hanging out and giggling over Chardonnay most nights, I tend to agree. But the post World War II era, especially 1970 and later, has meant increased isolation for moms at home. Dads leave the neighborhood for increasingly long commutes. Women have gone along too, stashing their kids off in daycare or public schools.

Large, extended families nearby and life-long friends used to mean daytime fellowship and a sharing of labor. Husbands might be home from work at noon (the main reason that meal is still called dinner in parts if the south). The family business or farm might be operated on the same property.

Friendships are to be prized in the modern situation, especially with dear sisters in Christ.

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## nickipicki123 (Oct 1, 2018)

jwithnell said:


> I was rather disheartened by some of this thread.
> 
> If you envision women friends as hanging out and giggling over Chardonnay most nights, I tend to agree. But the post World War II era, especially 1970 and later, has meant increased isolation for moms at home. Dads leave the neighborhood for increasingly long commutes. Women have gone along too, stashing their kids off in daycare or public schools.
> 
> ...


I was a bit disheartened because the thread wasn't intended to be about what you do when you're married. [emoji17][emoji849]

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## Jack K (Oct 1, 2018)

nickipicki123 said:


> I was a bit disheartened because the thread wasn't intended to be about what you do when you're married.



Ah, yes. Such is the struggle of church-going singles in America. You start a conversation about single life and the married people come along and turn it into a conversation about married life.

I didn't get married until I was 35. During the younger part of my single years, I had friends who were also young singles. But as I got older, I found that I often fit in better with married people my age than I did with singles (who mostly were younger than me). So my friendships changed.

I was still able to have married friends even though we didn't share married-ness. But the friendships were not at close as those I'd had with single friends during my younger years, probably because being unattached often does allow one to attach more closely to friends. The single years of one's life can end up being very rewarding due to friendships, and I for one look back at that time with fondness. Based on my experience, I do urge you to do what it takes to find other single believers.


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## jwithnell (Oct 1, 2018)

To the OP, as a single adult I really didn't like specialized groups; I wanted to be a contributing adult in the congregation. Single and married, some of those friendships have endured across a few decades and many moves on my part. The workplace provided friendships as did volunteer positions.


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