# Dad-kid interactions - what is the nature of such interactions and time



## Pergamum (Jun 23, 2008)

Hello;

This is both a descriptive and a prescriptive thread.

I am seeking, on average, how much time dads usually spend with children each day. How much of this is "near" the children and how much of this is engaged "with" the children. How many minutes of conversation each day is normal for a dad to talk to their children?

Also, how much should this be? 

And what should be the nature of this interaction. Is it usually playing, talking lightly, counseling, scolding, teaching, etc? What patterns does it follow?


I am very busy. I take my son riding with me on trips and meetings with church members and chase lizards on breaks. But I often get very busy. I really am quite unengaged with our 1 year old daughter because...well, she doesn't talk much and Mommy is there to help her walk. Once or twice a week I take my son out for long periods and spend Daddy-Peanut time (Peanut is his nick-name) of just us two for long periods of chasing bugs, etc.


I am trying to figure out the norms and the healthy limits of those norms and also what I should be doing and what is the nature of my interacion with my children. 

Between me and my son, it is usually play while my wife does more teaching. When I teach my son it is usually the Gospel, while my wife teaches him school-type lessons. Usually time between me and my son is outside. I also incorporate him into much of my work. I hug my daughter and play with her for short periods but am not real engaged yet because she is still at the pre-logic stage (does that sound cold?) and we cannot talk and can only coo.



Any advice on maximizing time with kids? Or improving it "quality"?


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## Pergamum (Jun 23, 2008)

i.e. one cause for me asking this question is: when should a father feel guilty? What is the balance being godly labor and relaxation and family time and vigorous effort in other areas of life?


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## Anton Bruckner (Jun 23, 2008)

for what it helps, I get my kid for the whole weekend on alternate weekends, and for 2 hours every friday on the weekends I am not having him.

During this time I try to cram some solid catechism and Bible teaching with him. Video Games and soccer seem to be our bonding experience. 

Other than that I am thankful for God blessings because it could have been worse. As of next week, I am taking the whole week off and his mom has been kind to give me him from 6/30-7/5. I plan on taking him to the beach, the aquarium, the park, and a cousin. But our thing will be the video game (I plan on getting him Supermario Galaxy, and playing soccer in the park early Thursday morning)


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## Pergamum (Jun 24, 2008)

One of my reasons for asking all this:

When I was in the army I worked about 4 12-hour shifts per week. This was away from home at the base of course. Now, I do much of my work from my home and go to meetings that I schedule myself (i.e. I run my own schedule to some degree and can involve my family).

The struggle I am having is this: I have greater opportunities to be with my family, but also I have no office that is out of the house.... which means that often the kids run into my office and distrub any studying that I do.



So, I have great blessings but challenges as well. I can spend more time with family, but also I have a challenge of keeping them away from me when I need solitude and study time. I am always struggling to keep my office door closed so I can work at home, or when the baby bumps into stuff I always end up leaving my work and going to check on the Little Sweety.


So...that is the situation that is prompting my question. How to balance home and work life. Kicking one's kids out during "Work Hours" while in one's own home is a hard thing and I feel a bit guilty about this, but also need some boundaries and time to think and type.


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## BJClark (Jun 25, 2008)

Spend time putting your daughter on your lap and reading to her, and take time to read to her at night before bed..

Men do tend to bond easier in the midst of 'doing something', even in taking your child with you to 'work'.

As your daughter gets a little older take her with you occasionally as well, that way you can talk to her and bond with her as well..


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## Wannabee (Jun 25, 2008)

It doesn't sound "cold." I had a hard time with my sons before they could communicate. As their communication skills grew so did our relationship. And, taking him with you or having him help you at work is even more valuable than "play" time. He is learning to be a man from experiencing being a man with his dad. He's learning work ethics. He's learning skills. Work is a privilege of image bearers of God. Help him to relish in that honor and pursue it for Christ's glory, regardless of what God gives his hands to do.

Your daughter needs your love in a different way. With all children, parents represent God. Be the father to her that God is to you. Make sure she knows that she is loved and cherished as your daughter. If you don't let her know then some other young man will. And, you might not think that the early years count so much, but they do. Take her heart and seal it until you know you are ready to hand it to a godly man. That starts today, reading to her, holding her, taking naps with her, singing to her. Make her heart yours.


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## Walkthecalling (Jun 25, 2008)

I guess like all things this must be handled with prayer. It is a tough subject to defend for too much time or too little. We must be focused on the Kingdom of God AND the responsibilities He has given us here. We can't make our family an Idol, nor can we hide behind busyness to it's detriment. I think this subject is something to handle individually in your private time with the Lord. Ask for the Spirit's conviction and the wisdom to pay attention to His prodings. There are times I miss my family so much I can barely stand to work, and times I miss the Word the same. But if my family becomes so much an addiction I no longer miss the Word, my priorities are out of wack. My advice would be to prioritize your whole life. Between my work, then the Word, then my family, I don't have time, most of the time, for much else. My work has set-in-stone boundaries of time, and it is what supports us. But at 5 when I'm done, my life prioritizes around what matters. If you are spending your time as a wise steward, and not filling it with TV, sports, unproductive busyness, then you are on the right track. With your kids (I'm guessing your realtionship with your wife is strong and growing), I say soak up every moment you can, for as quickly as it is here it will be gone. I get less sleep at night because I need my time in the Word, but I am not willing to lose my family time for an extra hour or so of sleep. I don't think there is a formula of time to use, but instead a humble, prayerful practice of love for your Great loves: God, Wife, Kids. You must desire to live your life fully passionate about many things that if prioritized correctly bring glory to the Lord. You bring glory to Him by how you love Him, AND how you love the people He has put in your care. Hope that helps.


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## Pergamum (Jun 25, 2008)

Walkthecalling said:


> I guess like all things this must be handled with prayer. It is a tough subject to defend for too much time or too little. We must be focused on the Kingdom of God AND the responsibilities He has given us here. We can't make our family an Idol, nor can we hide behind busyness to it's detriment. I think this subject is something to handle individually in your private time with the Lord. Ask for the Spirit's conviction and the wisdom to pay attention to His prodings. There are times I miss my family so much I can barely stand to work, and times I miss the Word the same. But if my family becomes so much an addiction I no longer miss the Word, my priorities are out of wack. My advice would be to prioritize your whole life. Between my work, then the Word, then my family, I don't have time, most of the time, for much else. My work has set-in-stone boundaries of time, and it is what supports us. But at 5 when I'm done, my life prioritizes around what matters. If you are spending your time as a wise steward, and not filling it with TV, sports, unproductive busyness, then you are on the right track. With your kids (I'm guessing your realtionship with your wife is strong and growing), I say soak up every moment you can, for as quickly as it is here it will be gone. I get less sleep at night because I need my time in the Word, but I am not willing to lose my family time for an extra hour or so of sleep. I don't think there is a formula of time to use, but instead a humble, prayerful practice of love for your Great loves: God, Wife, Kids. You must desire to live your life fully passionate about many things that if prioritized correctly bring glory to the Lord. You bring glory to Him by how you love Him, AND how you love the people He has put in your care. Hope that helps.



It helps tremendously, as do the other posts. Thanks.

This is a hard and personal issue for me. Tv and entertainment are not big snares here..in fact we would love a bit more...and I always lift weights and exercise when we do get a dvd to watch. So, I feel okay with most of my time usage and elimination of "time wasters" but still I am always short of time it seems for productive things. I even type on the PB fast (reason for all the typos) and try to limit my PB time.

Yes, I admit it is hard to sit and read for even 30 minutes with Baby Girl because she just doesn't understand yet. I like to hug her briefly and hold her while I talk to Big Brother. It really is hard for me to spend too much time with infants. 

Really my struggle at present is that I am craving solitude and some alone time in the Word but see this only at the expense of more family time. So, I am trying to prioritize. Just how much Bible reading is enough? And just how much playing with kids is enough? Just how much praying is enough?


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## Walkthecalling (Jun 25, 2008)

Pergamum said:


> It helps tremendously, as do the other posts. Thanks.
> 
> This is a hard and personal issue for me. Tv and entertainment are not big snares here..in fact we would love a bit more...and I always lift weights and exercise when we do get a dvd to watch. So, I feel okay with most of my time usage and elimination of "time wasters" but still I am always short of time it seems for productive things. I even type on the PB fast (reason for all the typos) and try to limit my PB time.
> 
> ...



Those last three questions haunt us all. How much Bible Study and prayer can ever be enough? And if you have ever lost a child, you constantly wonder how you could have had more time with them. We must humbly seek the Lord's help and do our fallen best. We are only fallen, sinful creatures who must struggle daily with the limitations upon us. Praise the Lord for the day when we can worship Him forever. Stay the course sir, do what is best as you can tell and plead with Jesus for forgiveness for what we don't get done. We'll never be perfect here, or anywhere's close. Pray for strength and focus and that He will search out your ways to show the areas that need work. Just wanting to find the faults shows your sanctification process, we are all there brother...


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## Mushroom (Jun 25, 2008)

Had to chuckle when I read this thread, Pergs, because just prior I was playfully "making" my almost 13 YO son sit and listen to me tell him to maximize the gift God gave him of a sound mind. He has heard it all before, but out of respect he sat and listened again. 

Soon enough you'll be desirous of more time with them, brother, so enjoy all you can now, but don't make an idol of it. The Lord will provide all the time and wisdom you need to properly care for the children He ordained to fill the quiver of two of His own. He is only always amazingly faithful.


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## Semper Fidelis (Jun 25, 2008)

Perg,

For what it's worth, I don't usually play much with my kids during their first year. I'm not much into infants. I don't think I've harmed them indelibly.

I don't think there's a standard amount of time. I think probably the most important time you'll spend with them each day is in prayer and worship. Obviously, discipline also provides that teaching/restorative function. Other times, I play it by ear with the time I have and I just have fun with my kids.


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## BJClark (Jun 26, 2008)

Pergamum;

What time do you get up in the mornings? Could you get up a little earlier to have your private time with God and read His word?

When my kids were little I would read to them from the Bible, I had a bunch of other books to read to them, but when I was wanting them to settle down for the night and get ready for bed..that is what I read to them. Now when they wanted to sit in my lap and have me read to them, I would read other books, but even then I'd say "lets read the Bible".

my son is 13, and occasionally still likes for me to read him the bible at night..yes, he can read it himself, but there is just something about that time together that makes it special, making memories, and most nights we take turns; I'll read a few verses and he reads a few, builds his reading skills while also learning God's word. 

I've done the same with my daughters, they share a room, so they would curl up next to me on each side and I'd read. I'd even make up little songs to sing to all of them, my 16 year old called me in her room the other night and asked me to sing her a song before she went to sleep..she wanted me to sing one I sang when she was little..I had laugh, because I'd made the song up and couldn't remember the words..but she did..

I used to sing them Jesus Loves Me..and I'd change the words..and instead of using "me" I'd use their name..and they would giggle and laugh. They loved to hear that..

And over the years typically at bed time or about an hour before, they'd go in their room and call me in and want to talk..they'd share their day or something they've been struggling with, or something funny, and then they'd want me to read to them. 

I take them with me when I go places, and they love to talk then, they like that one on one time when we can do that. So even as your daughter gets older, take her and talk to her, listen to as she babbles on about whatever is on her mind..and you will find that many times she'll say something which will remind her of something else and the subject will be changed just like that, and then a little bit later, she'll get back to the original topic..when she goes shopping (especially when you don't go) when she gets home ask her to see the new clothes she got..let her model them for you..and tell her how beautiful she looks. Girls need to hear that from their daddy's..

If she eventually has barbie dolls or whatever kind of baby dolls, play with her with them, just like you'd play a game with your son. If she has baby dolls pretend to feed them, little girls get a kick out of those things..and as you watch her play, you will see her emulate things she sees in her world.

My daughters used to get their baby dolls, put them in chairs and play school
and when I'd walk in the room to check on them, they'd be like "shhh, everyone be quite, the Principal is here." they'd look up at me and smile and I'd smile back and say "Just checking on you, go back to playing".

And even now, while she is little let her hear you tell her mom how beautiful you think she is, because as she gets older she'll see her mom in herself.

Talk to your kids about the things you love about their mom, the qualities that make her so special, not just her outward beauty, but her inner beauty.

Oh and as far as TV time, instead of using that time to work out, have your kids curl up in your lap and watch it with them..

Not sure what time your kids go to bed, but you could work out after they go to sleep.


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## BJClark (Jun 26, 2008)

Rich,




> For what it's worth, I don't usually play much with my kids during their first year. I'm not much into infants. I don't think I've harmed them indelibly.



Honestly, I don't think many dad's do the first year as there really isn't much you can do to play with them..until they start getting mobile, other than lay on the floor or bed next to them, rubbing their back.


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## TimV (Jun 26, 2008)

One of the huge benefits of having a family business. My sons all work for me, so especially as they're homeschooled we're together much more often than most, which has been a particular blessing in the hard times we're presently experiencing as a family. I'm glad you brought this question up in a selfish sort of way, as it gives me another reason to be thankful. I could write a book about what not to do as a dad, but I have always been surrounded by my sons, and would encourage others reading this thread to at least think about a part time hobby that you can do together. And from my experience that hobby will have to generate income for them to hold their attention. Instead of an allowance, which I've never done, an opportunity to earn some spending money of their own under your direction. It helped my oldest get through College with only 5,000 in student loans, as there was always work in his spare time.


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