# Biggest challenges/opportunities facing today's Reformed pastor's wife?



## Blessed5x (May 22, 2008)

Not sure if this is the right forum for this question. Moderators, if it isn't - please move it to where it should go

Ok, this is my question: What do you think are the biggest challenges and opportunities facing today's Reformed pastor's wife? 

In the past, I've seen the pastor's wife through the eyes of a pastor's daughter, elder's wife and friend of a few pastor's and elder's wives in the Reformed community. I've been wanting to study more about the role of the Refomed pastor wife and would like your personal thoughts as well as books you think would be helpful.

Also, to the seminary students, do the seminary wives have any training or counselling in "what to expect" as a Reformed pastor's wife? 

By asking these questions, I am *not* endorsing any leadership role or teaching over men. Simply wondering among different denominations, what do you think are the challenges and opportunities faced by today's Reformed pastor's wife? What do they need to know? What do Reformed congregations need in a pastor's wife? How can we in the congregation help or encourage them?


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## KenPierce (May 22, 2008)

Misty (Mrs. Lee) Irons wrote a great article about this several years ago. YOu may be able to find it online.

Everyone always says unrealistic expectations by the church. I have been in 4 churches of various kinds, denominations, regions, cultural settings, and sizes. None of them had any unrealistic expectations. They wanted my wife to do what she wanted to do, to love them, and be with them. NOthing unrealistic about that. And, she is fantastic at it.

As the husband of a pastor's wife, I know what my wife's greatest challenge is.

ME.

Seriously, she cannot help but bear the brunt of ministerial discouragement and challenges, because, let's face it, ministers have few friends they can unburden themselves to.

And, that, in turn jades her on the life of the church.

All else pales in comparison to that.


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## Blessed5x (May 22, 2008)

Joshua,

I completely agree!

I've seen too many congregations expect the pastor's wife to be in charge of teaching the sunday school kids, clean the church or are expected to go out work to provide an additional income and provide health insurance for the family.


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## Zenas (May 22, 2008)

The Pastor's family in general is going to suffer because the Pastor is the Pastor.

The wife, the kids, etc. are all going to be held to standards that the congregants themselves don't hold to. It's not something they're going to intentionally do, I don't think, but something they will subconsiciously do. I know of wives of pastors that are held to such a high standard, only to have those holding her to it turn around and get irrate with her because she's "making them look bad". It's as if she's supposed to be better than everyone else, but not so much as to make them look bad. Too much in either direction spells out trouble. If she's not good enough, then the pastor must be a bad leader and he needs to be fired. If she's too good, she's being pretentious. She is constantly under the microscope.

I've also noted another strange observance. Most people, especially in rural situations, expect the pastor and his family to be and live poor. I have also known a pastor's wife who was criticized because she drove a Volvo that her mother gave her. Some congregants felt that she souldn't be driving such a nice car, so she let another family member drive it. 

My suggestions: be perfect, but not too perfect, and make sure to be poor. 

*rolls eyes*


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## Simply_Nikki (May 22, 2008)

Zenas said:


> My suggestions: be perfect, but not too perfect, and make sure to be poor.
> 
> *rolls eyes*



*joins you in the eye rolling*  I've seen the same thing happen with my family's church, although it's not reformed, our pastor's wife suffered greatly at the hands of some of the members who reviled her for beyond ridiculous reasons. 

Our church has since split.


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## KenPierce (May 22, 2008)

LEt's not make it sound all bad.

Churches can be incredibly kind and generous to their pastor's wife. This has been our experience, almost universally.

Maybe it's just because I've got such a great one!!!


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## Simply_Nikki (May 22, 2008)

KenPierce said:


> LEt's not make it sound all bad.
> 
> Churches can be incredibly kind and generous to their pastor's wife. This has been our experience, almost universally.
> 
> Maybe it's just because I've got such a great one!!!



No of course it's not all bad, since our church split it's been great.  But I will agree that the pastor and his family are often looked at as a type of "model" family for the church. So I think in general they tend to undergo more scrutiny.


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## sastark (May 22, 2008)

I am the son of a pastor's wife, so all my observations come from that point of view. But, here's my humble advice:

First, whatever congregation your husband is called to, make sure they understand they are calling *him* and not you. By the nature of his call, he is duty bound to perform certain tasks, be held responsible for needs to the congregation, etc. You are not. The congregation doesn't get a "two fer" sort of deal.

Having said that, expect to have some sort of leadership roll among the ladies of the church. Although you are not required to, ladies will view you as a sort of authority in the congregation and may ask for your advice/help. But, at the same time, do not lord it over the other women of the congregation, especially the older women. They can be learned from and have experience and wisdom you do not, even if they never were pastors' wives.

Expect to be looked down on by some. It won't be everyone, but there will be some who will hurt your feelings.

Don't be expected to be invited over whenever friends from church get together. I was constantly amazed, growing up as a pastor's kid, at how many social functions we didn't get invited to, simply because we were the Pastor's family.

As Rev. Pierce noted, there are few people that a pastor can unburden himself to. There are even fewer for a pastor's wife. You will, on some level, feel isolated.

I remember one book my mother had dealing with the issues of being married to a pastor. It was: _Marriage to a Difficult Man: The Uncommon Union of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards_. You can read a bit about it here.

I hope this helps. I really don't write negative things to discourage you, but perhaps to help prepare you for a life few women are called to. May the Lord bless you and your husband in this endeavor!


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## Prudence and Passion (May 22, 2008)

*Confessions of a Reformed Pator's Wife*



sastark said:


> I am the son of a pastor's wife, so all my observations come from that point of view. But, here's my humble advice:
> 
> First, whatever congregation your husband is called to, make sure they understand they are calling *him* and not you. By the nature of his call, he is duty bound to perform certain tasks, be held responsible for needs to the congregation, etc. You are not. The congregation doesn't get a "two fer" sort of deal.


 
This is very well put! Our church is a small, rural congregation and one of the challenges that I face all the time is that our people want me to fill musical roles that I would rather not fill. I know my job is to keep our four kids in line during worship, but when the regular piano player is sick it is just expected that I will fill in. (My personal opinion is that it would be better to do without accompaniment than take a mother away from her children.)

I do not see any grand opportunities in my role as a Pastor's wife that any other wife/mother does not have. My main concern is caring for Paul and the children. I like the observation that Joshua made that Pastors' wives need to be like any other Christian - serving their husband/family. I think too many women want to serve the church first, then their family. I have been tempted to this same thing myself. Years ago (when we had just one child) I led a women's Bible study. There I was, talking about putting others first and serving God while neglecting the biggest task He gave me! (I am not saying that wives/mothers cannot lead womens' Bible studies, just that it was too consuming a project for me.)

The best thing you can do for your preacher's wife is to lift her up in prayer - often! Preachers' wives are in this position (as was already pointed out) that we need to appear better than everyone else, but not too much better. I, for one, find that you cannot share your individual hurts/feelings/pains/challenges with your congregation, because everything spoken reflects on the Pastor. I have always sought to be genuine about the struggles I have in my life, so that someone else may be helped by my mistakes. But, just imagine how it would make my husband look if I shared with people in my church any recurring sins I struggle with (lack of patience and self-control, to name a few). But, neither do I want to present the picture that a preacher's wife is without sin and struggles... 

To end on a happy note: 
The most helpful, hands-on things that the ladies in my church have done for me were when I was sick/pregnant with baby number four. They made me meals, helped me with laundry, and even cleaned my house. One lady got on her knees with a toothbrush and cleaned around the bathroom stool. (Not a job a woman can do at 9 months pregnant). Not all women may feel comfortable with these types of things, but for me it was most appreciated!


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## Blessed5x (May 23, 2008)

I agree with everyone's observations/experience. I know that my mom, as a pastor's wife, felt the loneliness and isolation in not having any friends with whom she could share without causing harm to my dad, the pastor. Of course this was back in the 60s-70s in a pre-internet and cheap/free long distance phone service age. I think today it is easier to feel connected (like many of us do here in the Puritanboard) to others who share our convictions/ideas and "meet" other pastor's wives. 

I've also seen the pendulum swung in the Reformed community over the years regarding the value of a stay-at-home wife/homeschooling mother. Unfortunately, back in the 60s-70s many churches were affected by liberal thinking/women's lib movement and were critical of woman wanting more than 2 children, women who didn't get those kids in public school and get a real "career" and make some money so the congregation doesn't have feel guilty about not paying the pastor enough to support his family. At least that how it was in California at that time. 

Re-reading about the Corrinthian church and how it was still called God's church is helpful in having a good perspective as to what can be expected. I think remembering that your congregation is made up of sinners, saved sinners, but sinners who might even need discipline/correction/counselling and are in various stages of sanctification is important too. 

Thanks for the great responses.


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## Pergamum (May 23, 2008)

MY wife's biggest challenge is....well...er....me. 

A pastor's wife must be patient and pray that her husband does not get drowned in the work or consumed by it. 

My wife is independant and is not demanding and picks up the slack when I am too busy to handle many things at home. I would not advocate neglecting wife or family, but sometimes duty calls and it is good to have a wife that does not help you do your duty only begrudgingly but jumps in and helps ease the husband's burdens and doesn't add guilt or further burdens to his stresses.


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## py3ak (May 23, 2008)

It seems the major problem is the tension between responsibilities and expectations. Congregations need to be educated on the responsibilities, which will hopefully change their expectations. But if everyone is taught to value a woman being primarily a keeper at home, and doing whatever else she can do in her spare time (assuming there is any, and understanding that everyone's mileage will vary), it would help to correct unhealthy assumptions about the pastor's wife. 

Our congregation in Mexico lavished love on Heidi.


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