# A Question about a daughter



## kvanlaan (Dec 24, 2006)

OK, I want to pick the brains of those among you who are older and wiser on this topic (or even just wiser).

We have a 9 year old daughter (Esther) who is everything that the world loves. She's tall, brilliant, and beautiful. (I can very comfortably claim all these things because she's also adopted, and I had nothing to do with these qualities of hers!)

The thing is that she is also very ambitious. I sometimes wonder if a traditional role will be enough for her. Though we are constantly expounding on the wonders of motherhood and having a family (and she has indeed told us that she wants nothing more than to be a mother to her children and a wife to her husband before God) she is a prime candidate for falling off the wagon and into the open arms of secular society. We already have people just walk up to us and tell us how beautiful she is (which, by the way, kinda creeps me out) and I have a feeling it will just get worse as she matures.

We try to stress modesty in clothing and behavior and don't have a TV (which helps a lot!) But are concerned that when we head back to N. America (in a couple of years), the exposure to what is going on there will tip the scales if we are not careful. We want to keep the kids (but especially her) on the straight and narrow but are wondering how to go about it. We have a couple more years to seriously ingrain this in her and want to make the most of what we've got - please advise!


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## ReformedWretch (Dec 24, 2006)

1) Pray like you've never prayed before

2) Remember God is Soverign 

3) Remember God's providence

4) Do not over protect. Some parents get angry at me when I say this, but from my experience it's so true. If you seek to lay down the law too much, too heavy handedly, you will foster rebellion. Most pk's experience this.

If you've had you daughter since birth you have an advantage I am envious of, if your daughter has not experienced abuse in any way, again you have an advantage I wish my wife and I had with our daughter. If she has learned your rules are there because you love her then PRAISE THE LORD! However, as she grows (especially in a new culture) she will see children with freedom she's never even imagined, I suggest preparing her for what she will see and hear NOW, before you come. If she's prepared for what she will encounter I would think she would stand a greater chance of standing against it.

Our daughter is also beautiful 





but she never really believed that. Until she went to College and the boys came after her like a pack of starving wild dogs after a raw steak.From that point on it was never the same. If you can continue to teach your values to your daughter before College comes it's still going to be tough, but she will stand a better chance!

I understand your concerns and if I can ever be of help please let me know. I am praying for you and your daughter!!


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## kvanlaan (Dec 24, 2006)

Thanks for that; some of it I already know (or think I know) but it is nice to hear the same from someone with experience.

We have had Esther since she was one month old and no, she is not the victim of any sort of "abuse" (save for the occasional spanking, which we only use when we see it as a necessity and which even she would admit she had coming.)

She _knows_ she is loved but she's a woman in the body of an nine year old. She rushes through life because she's all ready to move on to the next thing and get on to bigger and better things. It's just really awkward for her right now. The part that really concerns me is that if she follows in mom and dad's footsteps, she will be married in just over 10 years and have her first child in just over 12 years. Therefore, I've got less than a decade to prepare and _that_ scares me more than a little.


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## Richard King (Dec 24, 2006)

I think you are wise to be aware of the world in regards to your daughter but I agree with Adam. Too much sheltering often backfires for some reason.

I think you are on the right track avoiding TV as much as possible. 
I would also PRAY now for the young man that will someday meet her and marry her.

A good approach when strangers or even family mention her outer beauty is
I would say to them out loud so your daughter can hear..."thank you, we are especially blessed because she is even more beautiful on the inside and we thank God every day for the kind of heart and mind she has."

She will hear that and it should plant an appropriate attitude in her regarding what is real beauty.


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## kvanlaan (Dec 24, 2006)

We started praying for her husband long ago, and the children now all pray for each other's spouses (it's really cute to listen to.) We tend to talk to the children about their future quite a bit.

One issue is that my wife was previously a model. That was a long time ago, and she tells the girls about how, in retrospect, it was not a healthy experience but the stars still sparkle in their eyes when they think about what it must have been like to have their mom on a runway. We live a VERY different life from that now but you can't erase the past and we are trying to use our own mistakes to help our children in avoiding them.

We do try to reinforce the idea that physical beauty is fleeting, that it means so very little in the end. They have taken the message to heart, but the siren song of the world is a powerful thing... 

I'm still of the persuasion to look for a bit of land out in the countryside and commute to the city, however far it may be, at least until we get our children properly prepared. That may not be the most practical idea in the world but if we don't feel like the kids are ready by the time we're set to move back to N. America, that may be the most reasonable option.


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