# Puritan Board members not permitted to use American English any more



## Stephen L Smith (May 24, 2013)

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


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## Vladimir (May 24, 2013)

Stephen L Smith said:


> and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'


And here I thought it was the other way around


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## Reformedfellow (May 24, 2013)

What am I to do in Japan? Whilst during this probationary period, I hearby swear only to read puritan literature and the only scriptures which were authorized by his majesty king James.


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## AlexanderHenderson1647 (May 24, 2013)

I accept only the British reign circa 1642 - after Cromwell rose to power it all tanked and the restoration of the Stuarts cemented the deal. Besides, who in their right mind could be subject to someone who pronounces the word library as "lighbree." Everyone knows it's pronounced "liberry."

Oh, never mind. To your satisfaction, it looks like the third British invasion has already begun. A group of "bobbies" just gave my front door the bum's rush, burst into my "loo," and confiscated my toothbrush. Apparently, no one loyal to the crown is to enjoy good dental hygiene. Then they the gave the heave-hoo to my breakfast and replaced it with those pastry biscuits and substituted my drink for tea (not even the cold, sugared stuff that we formerly enjoyed with our afternoon and evening meals here in the Southern states in the US.) From there they switched my "telly" from the sport I was watching to a bunch of guys on a "pitch" - I overheard the "tannoy" announce that it was football, but it looks just like soccer. Where's my rifle? I can't stand this already! Oh good, in the frenzy to confiscate my toothbrush, they've overlooked it. Well, here goes again - see what you've started! Now I'm like as not to end up in that penal colony, Australia.


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## sevenzedek (May 24, 2013)

I understand that Americans have many faults, not the least of which is the bad beer. But what should we do about how the how those Brits speak in such a funny manner? Words ending in "L" are not supposed to end with the "R" sound.


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## Christopher88 (May 24, 2013)

"The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion."

Yes, the urine of bud light must go, but do not disrespect a fine brew such as Duck Rabbit or Red Oak from the American brew, and may I remind you Queen, Ashville NC, home of brews and pubs. 

Fun stuff...


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## irresistible_grace (May 24, 2013)

#6 (metric) had me rolling because....
The first time my husband road a scooter (Made in China), he didn't realize the speedometer was in km (not miles) per hour. I was laughing so hard the whole way home (I was following him with my hazard lights on, of course). He thought he was flying & going about 20mph but he was only going 12.427mph!!!


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## Gforce9 (May 24, 2013)

This is hilarious......dern hilarious. I about fell on my bum and choked on my crumpet reading this.......


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## sevenzedek (May 24, 2013)

Gforce9 said:


> This is hilarious......dern hilarious. I about fell on my bum and choked on my crumpet reading this.......



Who needs crumpets when ya got toast? That ain't so American if you just lift your pinky. Then it's British.


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## jwithnell (May 24, 2013)

I can concur with #9 and #15, which my family already follows anyway. The rest of it, you know, like, stuff it in your crown!


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## Rich Koster (May 24, 2013)

Number nine almoust made me wish it was real


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## Berean (May 24, 2013)

Stephen L Smith said:


> Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.



Does this mean that we will soon be getting more Muslims?


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## sevenzedek (May 24, 2013)

Berean said:


> Stephen L Smith said:
> 
> 
> > Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
> ...



That's so funny I can't even believe you said it.


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## Cymro (May 24, 2013)

Good on you Stevie boy, it almost wants me to speak well of your Rugby team,
but I smothered the impulse. We sent a couple of Ambassadors over there from 
my town, (Richard Burton, Anthony Hopkins, Zeta Jones, Katherine Jenkins), to improve the English
with a Welsh accent, but sadly it has not worked yet!


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## Quatchu (May 24, 2013)

It would be much more simpler if HM the Queen just made America the 11th Province of Canada


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## AlexanderHenderson1647 (May 24, 2013)

AlexanderHenderson1647 said:


> I accept only the British reign circa 1642 - after Cromwell rose to power it all tanked and the restoration of the Stuarts cemented the deal. Besides, who in their right mind could be subject to someone who pronounces the word library as "lighbree." Everyone knows it's pronounced "liberry."
> 
> Oh, never mind. To your satisfaction, it looks like the third British invasion has already begun. A group of "bobbies" just gave my front door the bum's rush, burst into my "loo," and confiscated my toothbrush. Apparently, no one loyal to the crown is to enjoy good dental hygiene. Then they the gave the heave-hoo to my breakfast and replaced it with those pastry biscuits and substituted my drink for tea (not even the cold, sugared stuff that we formerly enjoyed with our afternoon and evening meals here in the Southern states in the US.) From there they switched my "telly" from the sport I was watching to a bunch of guys on a "pitch" - I overheard the "tannoy" announce that it was football, but it looks just like soccer. Where's my rifle? I can't stand this already! Oh good, in the frenzy to confiscate my toothbrush, they've overlooked it. Well, here goes again - see what you've started! Now I'm like as not to end up in that penal colony, Australia.



Oh, fantastic. I sneaked some real breakfast and lowered my blinds to enjoy it in peace. Apparently the mandatory video camera posted outside my residence caught a glimpse of it. Within minutes the bobbies kicked my door in again and smothered it in beans. I stormed about the house and was so irate I was near to going out of doors and bashing in the windscreen of my auto, perhaps even pounding on the boot of it. Alas I was too knackered to lift a finger. Wait - 'about,' 'windscreen,' 'boot,' 'knackered?' Oh look, now I'm speaking like a Brit! Stop the insanity. Ooops! Sorry, need to go - afternoon tea's set. Did I just say that?! Aaaargh!


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## Rich Koster (May 24, 2013)

Tell QEII that Sir Bernanke will take care of #14 with QEIV & V


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## Stephen L Smith (May 24, 2013)

Cymro said:


> Good on you Stevie boy, it almost wants me to speak well of your Rugby team,
> but I smothered the impulse.


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## The Calvinist Cop (May 24, 2013)

Yes!
Rugby
Chips
Rugby
Roundabouts
Rugby
Tea Time!!


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## AlexanderHenderson1647 (May 24, 2013)

Quatchu said:


> It would be much more simpler if HM the Queen just made America the 11th Province of Canada



Says the man from the land that could have had the best of three nations: British culture, French cooking and the American military. Instead you have British cooking, the French military and American culture. Oh, and you are living where?  What happened to that great paradise north of the border?

Tell you what, contact HM and let her know that she can add the entire West Coast, and the whole Northeast area. They are far more like good old Canada - they are virtually a vassal state anyway. They get all their political thought straight from the USS of Canada or USSK across the pond. Have her appoint you the Governour. We've been thinking of ways to best way to get rid of them anyway. The bidding war between Russia and China is gone stale. We got them all the way up to the asking price of a candy bar and huge fence to block off the eyesores. Then the catch - we stipulate that the purchaser has to KEEP ALL THE CURRENT CITIZENS WITH NO POSSIBILITY OF INTERNATIONAL PASSAGE BACK INTO THE US. When that fell apart, we'd even offered to foot the bill for our own fence. It is that keeping the citizens clause that we insist on that is the sticking point. Check it out, it is on eBay. In fact, let me translate that last sentence into Canadian English - "Check it oot, eh?" I would translate it into French as mandated by the neighbor the Great White North, but I only know basic French phases like, "I surrender." So for all you Quebecers, "Je m'abandonne."


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## Quatchu (May 24, 2013)

The first thing that would be done with the new 11th province. Is all the population of Texas will be transplanted to Nunavut, Yukon and Northwest Territory's. Also the population of those 3 territory's will be transplanted to Texas, at which time Austin will be renamed New Iqaluit, Houston renamed New Whitehorse and San Antonio will be New Yellowknife.


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## AlexanderHenderson1647 (May 24, 2013)

Quatchu said:


> The first thing that would be done with the new 11th province. Is all the population of Texas will be transplanted to Nunavut, Yukon and Northwest Territory's. Also the population of those 3 territory's will be transplanted to Texas, at which time Austin will be renamed New Iqaluit, Houston renamed New Whitehorse and San Antonio will be New Yellowknife.


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## AThornquist (May 24, 2013)

Berean said:


> Stephen L Smith said:
> 
> 
> > Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
> ...


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