# Speaking the truth in love cost me a friend



## paculina (Sep 6, 2010)

Sigh. I won't detail the situation since I'll likely be reprimanded for gossip or something, but I recently called a friend out on his misbehavior and he got mad at me and stopped speaking to me. I realize I'm new here and you all don't know me that well, except Meg, but I assure you I was not mean. In fact, I was probably more kind than I should have been. In any case, I know I was right, but it still hurts that he's angry with me for loving him enough to tell him the truth, but he still likes all the other people who are telling him what he wants to hear about the situation. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it hasn't made it any easier. 

How do you all deal with this kind of thing? And have you ever reconciled a relationship after something like this? How did it go? 

Thanks.


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## Michael (Sep 6, 2010)

Hi Laurel,

Sorry to hear of this distress. Is your friend a Christian?


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## paculina (Sep 6, 2010)

He professes to be, yes.


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## Michael (Sep 6, 2010)

Well, if he is I would suggest to simply trust God to work in his heart. And if you were truthful and spoke appropriately then your own conscience should be clear. Of course prayer is always a blessing in these matters too, so that's probably not a bad idea. 

I will pray about this tonight myself.

P.S. An awful lot of folks have also learned that the Lord works things out in his own time, not ours. That's something that has been helpful for me to remember.


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## he beholds (Sep 6, 2010)

I have lost friendships, or at least a closeness that I could have had with friends or family, over my relationship with God--without even having to speak any truth. I think it is just part of the Christian life. Even if I don't say "I think you should stay with your husband," or something, a family member simply knowing that's how I feel won't let me all the way in or will reject me. 

I heard in a sermon of John Piper's that whatever we are willing to lose for Christ, friends or family, we will be restored thousandfold. (Or something! Don't quote me quoting him♥)

You were truly willing to die to yourself by sharing the truth, knowing that it might cost you something you value--that friendship. That's hard, and sad, but that's what we are called to do for our friends.

To live is Christ but to die is gain; believe Christ when he calls you blessed for being persecuted for his name's sake.


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## PuritanCovenanter (Sep 6, 2010)

First off, and I am necessarily saying you did anything incorrectly, I would have had another gentleman who knew of the situation to confront him. There isn't enough information here to really discuss it and I am not sure there can be. Who are the other people saying what he wants to hear? Is it a moral issue or is it just a wisdom call? There is a lot of unknowns here. 

As for how you can deal with it emotionally and spiritually I would recommend you stand before the Lord on the issue and give it some time.


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## littlepeople (Sep 6, 2010)

Perhaps in time he read Psalm 141 (Let the righteous smite me in kindness and reprove me; It is oil upon the head; Do not let my head refuse it,) as I once did. I can tell you from experience, nothing compares to the love I feel for brothers who have watched out for my soul, rather than fill my head with delicacies....but it always took time to sink in for me. If this truly is a lost friendship then, consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 

I'll be praying for the restoration of the friendship


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## lynnie (Sep 6, 2010)

Perhaps the best book on this subject is Ken Sande's Peacemakers. I think every Christian would do well to read it.

Amazon.com: The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (9780801064852): Ken Sande: Books

There may be things wrong on your end like attitude, timing, wording, method, expectations, reaction to hostility, etc. Maybe not. But this book will help you sort out a lot of things regarding confrontation, and be a helpful guide in the future. You can't change your friend but you can change you. I think it would bless you to read it. If you have a church library it is probably in it, or your pastor may have a copy.


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## CuriousNdenver (Sep 7, 2010)

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend; although the kisses of an enemy are profuse." Proverbs 27:6 WEB Bible 

It sounds like your "friend" has many who tell him what he wants to hear, but a friend in you who spoke the truth in love.

Without knowing specific facts, I take you at your word that you spoke in LOVE and your "friend" is professing faith but walking in sin.

Stand firm sister - but in LOVE and in prayer. Remember, that if he IS a believer, he must be rejecting the prompting and chastening of the Holy Spirit, not just you. 

I experienced a similar situation with a "friend" over a year ago. I grieved for the friendship first, but as I prayed for him and the situaiton, and he continued in sin, I grieved more for his broken fellowship with God. Only God knows his heart - if he is in Christ - but my "friend" has chosen to stay out of fellowship with believers, not to read the Word, and to continue in sin, while denying that anything is wrong. After over a year, I find that I do not want to spend much time with someone like this: we can not have fellowship in the Lord. 

Matthew 10: 36,37 says: "and a man's enemies will be the members of his household. The person who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; the person who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me." HCSB

Your relationship with God is far more important than that of a friend.

Blessings!


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## TimV (Sep 7, 2010)

When you spoke to the elders of your church about the issue, what did they say?


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## paculina (Sep 7, 2010)

Just for the sake of clarity, this is all online that I'm dealing with this, and the issue is one of his speech and general treatment of people lately on another forum. My normally kind, thoughtful and funny friend has just become mean and nasty and his recent behavior has been completely inexcusable for anyone endeavoring to even exhibit common respect and courtesy towards others, never mind someone professing to be a Christian. 

I will say that my timing this time was probably not the best and that probably didn't help. I commented on an incident in passing a few weeks ago and he didn't respond. Actually, he effectively quit talking to me at that point. I addressed it more pointedly this time, and I think my timing was what prompted the angry, nasty response I got, but I sorta don't think that his response would have been different in a positive way no matter when I said it or how just because he doesn't want to hear that he's out of line. I think even if I had chosen my timing a little better, at best he would have not responded and at worst I would have gotten the same kind of nasty response I did get. I just don't think he's ready to be sorry or to change yet. 

At this point, I've said my piece about his behavior, I told him I love him and value his friendship, and invited him to contact me when he's ready. I don't plan to initiate contact with him again at this point, simply because I don't think it will lead to anything good. So in the meantime, I guess I will continue to pray for him and wait to see if he comes around. I really hope he does. 

Sigh. Knowing all this and being able to express it logically doesn't make it hurt less. I've still lost a friend that I care about in the deal.

---------- Post added at 10:56 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:55 PM ----------




TimV said:


> When you spoke to the elders of your church about the issue, what did they say?


 
They don't have any authority over him, he's not a member of my church. But I did speak to one of them and asked him to pray for him.


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## TimV (Sep 7, 2010)

paculina said:


> They don't have any authority over him, he's not a member of my church. But I did speak to one of them and asked him to pray for him.



Sounds to me like you've gone above and beyond the call of duty, and the guy is the big loser rather than you.


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## jambo (Sep 7, 2010)

Two verses come to mind. From Proverbs _better the wounds of a friend than the kisses of an enemy_ whilst Paul's advice to the Galatians that _if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. _

When people react in this way then they know that they are guilty and reacting against you is a smokescreen. Hopefully he may repent of whatever he has done and also repent to you and seek restoration of your friendship. These things are never pleasant and can cause pain. But a true friend is to care and advise and to to seek the good of the other. just to have not said anything would not really be true friendship, nor Christian, and what is often overlooked is that misbehaviour spirals downward. Its far easier to stop it now than it would be later.

It is sad when such things happen but they do happen all too frequently. I would say you did the right thing and do not let this experience put you off saying it again to someone else in the future.


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## MarieP (Sep 7, 2010)

paculina said:


> Sigh. I won't detail the situation since I'll likely be reprimanded for gossip or something, but I recently called a friend out on his misbehavior and he got mad at me and stopped speaking to me. I realize I'm new here and you all don't know me that well, except Meg, but I assure you I was not mean. In fact, I was probably more kind than I should have been. In any case, I know I was right, but it still hurts that he's angry with me for loving him enough to tell him the truth, but he still likes all the other people who are telling him what he wants to hear about the situation. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it hasn't made it any easier.
> 
> How do you all deal with this kind of thing? And have you ever reconciled a relationship after something like this? How did it go?
> 
> Thanks.


 
Dear sister, I have been in this situation too...and first, if you did detail the situation it probably would be gossip...this is sooo tempting to do- to run to others instead of first to God and then to the person who is offended. Instead of assuming that your brother won't listen to you, I would suggest praying and then speaking to him and trying to work this out. I would also look at your own heart and ask the Spirit to show you if there is any sin on your part. Believe me, we can be blinded to this easily, especially when we are actually right in what we said!

And...you asked if I have ever reconciled a relationship like this. The answer is no, I haven't. But God has!! Sure, it took time and patience. Yes, there were things I did as tools in God's hand, but it is God that works in our hearts to make us more forgiving and holy and loving.

I will be praying...ask God for an opportunity to speak to your brother, especially if he is a member of your church. There is nothing that Satan likes better than fellow church members at odds with one another.

---------- Post added at 09:56 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:51 AM ----------




lynnie said:


> Perhaps the best book on this subject is Ken Sande's Peacemakers. I think every Christian would do well to read it.
> 
> Amazon.com: The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (9780801064852): Ken Sande: Books
> 
> There may be things wrong on your end like attitude, timing, wording, method, expectations, reaction to hostility, etc. Maybe not. But this book will help you sort out a lot of things regarding confrontation, and be a helpful guide in the future. You can't change your friend but you can change you. I think it would bless you to read it. If you have a church library it is probably in it, or your pastor may have a copy.


 
Yes, it's a good book...but, like Lynnie alluded to, make sure you read it first and foremost for your own benefit and not to search out the other guy's responsibilities. I say that from experience.

---------- Post added at 09:59 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:56 AM ----------




paculina said:


> Just for the sake of clarity, this is all online that I'm dealing with this, and the issue is one of his speech and general treatment of people lately on another forum. My normally kind, thoughtful and funny friend has just become mean and nasty and his recent behavior has been completely inexcusable for anyone endeavoring to even exhibit common respect and courtesy towards others, never mind someone professing to be a Christian.
> 
> I will say that my timing this time was probably not the best and that probably didn't help. I commented on an incident in passing a few weeks ago and he didn't respond. Actually, he effectively quit talking to me at that point. I addressed it more pointedly this time, and I think my timing was what prompted the angry, nasty response I got, but I sorta don't think that his response would have been different in a positive way no matter when I said it or how just because he doesn't want to hear that he's out of line. I think even if I had chosen my timing a little better, at best he would have not responded and at worst I would have gotten the same kind of nasty response I did get. I just don't think he's ready to be sorry or to change yet.
> 
> ...


 
Oh- in that case, then...it doesn't surprise me...Christian charity is sadly lacking in the Christian blogosphere these days


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## CuriousNdenver (Sep 8, 2010)

My pastor shared an interesting insight: "If you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the one that yelps is the one that got hit."

Since he has reacted as you shared, clearly it hit home...but from his response, he is not ready to deal with it and only the Holy Spirit can bring it to light for him.

Blessings


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