# The Gift of Singleness??



## Idelette (Nov 28, 2009)

How does one determine if they have the gift of singleness?? It doesn't seem to be very clear in Scripture. Scripture only speaks of the eunuchs who remained single for the sake of the Kingdom. (Matt 19:12). And then Paul advises men to remain as they are in 1 Corin 7, however, its debated that the context was in light of the difficult circumstances at that time. (1 Corin 7:26).

So, what are some practical ways to determine if one has been called to singleness? Is there anything in Scripture that can make this more clear? Is it based on our desires, or whether we can exercise self-control or not? Or is it based on our circumstances?


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## Peairtach (Nov 28, 2009)

No desire to get married?

Certain providences pointing out that marriage would be an unwise move?


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## Idelette (Nov 28, 2009)

Richard Tallach said:


> No desire to get married?
> 
> Certain providences pointing out that marriage would be an unwise move?



While I do believe that God rules our desires, and often uses them to accomplish His will...I'm not entirely sure that we can use that as the standard?? The only reason I say this, is because I've known plenty of people that had absolutely no desire to get married...and ended up getting married. And I've known quite a few people that had a very strong desire to get married and never did! So, can we properly use the desire or lack thereof for marriage as an indicator of God's calling in our lives?

-----Added 11/28/2009 at 01:50:11 EST-----



Joshua said:


> I'd think it's more like "I know I _don't_ have that gift!" sentiment.



Okay, so would we assume that if one is content to remain single then they automatically must have the gift or calling for singleness?


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## Semper Fidelis (Nov 28, 2009)

I assume you're referring to 1 Cor 7-8.

I think many people err in not looking at what Paul is addressing in this Chapter. He is not commending singleness or married life, per se, in the abstract. He's dealing with a Church full of spiritual pride and disunity where one group is flaunting its "spirituality" according to singleness while another is flaunting its "spirituality" by another.

The main point is that, in the Lord, it's indifferent. Each person ought to be content with the station and condition that the Lord has brought upon them in His Providence. The betrothed and the married are not to seek chastity as a "higher spiritual good" because whatever station the Lord has called them to is what station they ought to be in.

I think a determination on whether a person is called and gifted to be single is going to work itself out Providentially. It may even be a season of one's life where opportunity for marriage is not possible but that doesn't mean a person ought to assume this is a call to being single. Nevertheless, if a person believes they have the self-control for the lifestyle and desire to devote themselves to the things of God then it seems to me that it ought to be something they have some control over now and not live with the illusion that lustful thoughts toward women or desire for children are simply going to magically disappear as they devote themselves to singlehood.

I believe "giftedness" manifests itself when people devote themselves to the things of God and their vocation and their gifts "organically" emerge where others can see them. We all need to be under self-control but our giftedness cannot be manufactured even if we convince ourselves that we have possess a gift that the Lord has not given.

Seek external confirmation of the gift to see if others see the gift in you rather than assuming the internal call is controlling.


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## Idelette (Nov 28, 2009)

That was very helpful Rich, thank you! 

About the following, I would agree with you regarding an external confirmation. But, in what sense are you speaking of? Do you mean someone who is actively serving the Lord in ministry, or the church? 



Semper Fidelis said:


> Seek external confirmation of the gift to see if others see the gift in you rather than assuming the internal call is controlling.


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## Semper Fidelis (Nov 28, 2009)

In His Grip said:


> That was very helpful Rich, thank you!
> 
> About the following, I would agree with you regarding an external confirmation. But, in what sense are you speaking of? Do you mean someone who is actively serving the Lord in ministry, or the church?
> 
> ...



Right. Singleness wouldn't be an end to itself. I know plenty of selfish men these days that prefer solitude to adult responsibility. It allows them to remain perpetual teens. They might even have sexual self-control but that doesn't mean they have a gift they're using for spiritual service.

Sonya has a friend she went to college with who has been in full-time missionary work for 13 years. I think it's pretty obvious she has this gift from external evidences without her having to tell everybody she has a gift for it.


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## Hebrew Student (Nov 28, 2009)

I agree with Semper Fidelis. Ultimately, whether or not you have that gift is going to be providential. Now, obviously, that doesn't mean that you just sit around and do nothing if you want to be married. God uses means. However, whether or not he chooses to use those means is entirely up to him, and we have to leave it to his providence that he knows what is best.

That being said, I also agree that, whether single or married, we have to be careful to make sure we are living our lives to the glory of God, and not to the glory of ourselves [1 Corinthians 10:31]. Being single or married does not give you the right to live for yourself.

God Bless,
Adam


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## MarieP (Nov 28, 2009)

In His Grip said:


> Okay, so would we assume that if one is content to remain single then they automatically must have the gift or calling for singleness?



Well, no, because we are to be content in all circumstances. To be content while being single is Christian faithfulness, not whether or not one has the gift of celibacy.

On the other hand, how content we are to be single might have a lot to do with it. It's one of those things where, if you spend all your time wondering if you have the gift, you probably don't have it. Paul says that it is better to marry than to burn. If you desire a husband and all the blessings that come with having one, then it's good to marry. If you don't desire a husband, and you are not dealing with sexual temptation by not having one, then don't marry.


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## Emmanuel (Nov 28, 2009)

I was pondering this topic a few weeks ago and was blessed by hearing a sermon on 1 Corinthians 7 by Vito Aiuto, pastor of Resurrection Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Brooklyn, NY.:

If anyone's interested ...
Link here:


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## Andres (Nov 28, 2009)

if you have a desire to get married, I would say you don't have the gift of singleness.


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## TimV (Nov 28, 2009)

At the end of the day, you're either in God's hands or you aren't. And if you're in God's hands, He deals with you in love, and in your best interests. He loves you like no other, and wants you to be happy, and will make you happy, even though we often don't have enough faith to believe it, and certainly never deserve it.


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## Simply_Nikki (Nov 28, 2009)

Just to be clear, "burning with passion" does not also mean one should get married right away, especially if you are not prepared to handle the responsibilities God calls married persons to take care of. Any 13 year old who has hit puberty can burn with passion, and justify his or her seeking out a marriage partner to gratify his or her desires. But seeking out a spouse with no preparation to take on the responsibility of being a submissive wife or husband who can lead and provide and lay his life down for his wife is ultimately making decisions based on physical self-gratification instead of based on the wise counsel of God. I like the way Paul Washer treats this particular subject. I'll have to get the link to you lateras I am still in the airport lol. But, when a man or woman burns with passion that should indicate that its time to prepare to become the type of spouse that God commands us to be, not necessarily to immediately go out seeking someone who can satisfy those urges. 
However I am beginning to agree that the gift of singlenessin its most basic form is something every single Christian has if they are using their singleness to glorify Godby serving his people. And I believe he will continue to give single believers the grace and strength to be content in that station of life until God decides to place you in another state. 

This doesn't mean that a single Christian who desires marriage should sit on the sidelines waiting for God to drop the perfect spouse. But I tend to agree with you Yvonne that the desire in and of itself does not necessarily mean God wants you to get married right away. I think we should think of the gift of singleness as the grace God has given us to be faithful with our singleness serving the Church for the time being.  

Does that make sense?


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## Susanna (Nov 28, 2009)

Thank you for asking this question. I've asked it. I used to. I've given up thinking about it because to do so tends to stir up a sense of discontentedness within me. 

BUT here are some wise sayings some delightful, yet brutal, well seasoned (here I mean "older") women of the faith have shared with me:

"If you are burning with lust ... STOP! ... it doesn't have to 'mean' anything". 

"You DO have the gift of singleness, Sue. Use it as such."


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## Hebrew Student (Nov 28, 2009)

I think it should also be pointed out that Gordon Fee has an interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 that I think better fits the context. He argues extensively in his commentary that we should understand the term "unmarried" in verse 8 to mean "widowers." I won't bore you with all the details, but it has to do with the fact that the normal word for widower is rarely used in the history of the Greek language, and is falling out of usage at this point in time. Also, it is extremely difficult to conceive of Paul as a virgin, since he was a Pharasee who sat in on legal cases. Also, Paul goes through 1 Corinthians 7, and addresses each group once. If he were addressing virgins twice, it would be the only group he does address twice.

If that is the case, then Paul is dealing with the unique temptations that widows and widowers deal with when their spouse passes away. If you have a sexual relationship with a woman, unbroken except by agreement for a time to devote yourself to prayer, then having that suddenly taken away by death is going to cause all kinds of unique problems in dealing with temptation. This interpretation can also be derived from the fact that Paul, when addressing married couples who have decided to refrain to devote themselves to prayer, commands them to get married so satan does not tempt them because of their lack of self control. The next logical question is, "What happens when the spouse dies, and that is no longer possible." Paul would then be taking that up in verses 6-9, and saying that, in such a context, it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

God Bless,
Adam


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## Peairtach (Nov 30, 2009)

> Also, it is extremely difficult to conceive of Paul as a virgin, since he was a Pharasee who sat in on legal cases.



Is this true, that male virgins weren't allowed to sit in on legal cases? Why?

What did they think of Christ being unmarried until his thirties, or of Jeremiah, who was forbidden to marry?

Is "it is better to marry than to burn" referring to a general lustfulness or to romantic attachment to a specific person? 

Clearly it's not a licence to get married as soon as possible to anyone.

Clearly our Lord in His discussion of "eunuchs" taught that some were more suited to the state of singleness than others.

Once again, I would say that providence has a lot to do with it. Suitable spouses don't grow on trees, and God may also have arranged your providence, e.g. with illness/disability of one kind or another, so that you, yourself, aren't the most eligible. 

Choosing a spouse isn't just about love, but also involves wisdom.


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## Idelette (Nov 30, 2009)

Richard Tallach said:


> Is "it is better to marry than to burn" referring to a general lustfulness or to romantic attachment to a specific person?



This is something I've wondered about as well...can anyone clarify is this a general lusting, or strong attraction towards a specific person? Or does it not matter??


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## Scott Shahan (Dec 1, 2009)




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## Pilgrim72 (Dec 1, 2009)

This is an interesting question. I've thought about it a few times regarding myself. Even though I've always wanted to share my life with someone, it seems God has had other plans.

First, it never helped that I was pretty darn shy when I was younger, and I fell into the "When He's Not Asking" category.

And when I actually started dating girls, I was already getting into my late 20s. I dated friends' friends, and even used some of those online sites. Nothing seemed to work out.
Now I'm 37. I finally just gave up a couple years ago.

For the longest time (maybe 15 years) I prayed daily that the Lord would bless my future wife. And He was silent in the area.

But now I must say that I'm happier and more content than I ever was before. Even though I still wish I had a wife to share my life with, I'm not expecting it to happen. God has other plans, it seems. At least for now. If I think too much on it it makes me sad, (I'll be honest), but I know that my home is in heaven. My life is with the Lord. He is preparing us for an eternity with Him. I've learned, and am learning, to not put too much stock (actually none) in this world. And these lessons I'm learning, and have been blessed to learn, from our friends, the Puritans.

So, in answer to the OP, I have no idea... 
It seems I would be a prime candidate for this gift, but I don't know the will of God for me in this life. Nothing's impossible. He blessed Abraham & Sarah with a son when it seemed impossible...

The Lord may take me home tomorrow -- then, I guess, I would have my answer...


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## Peairtach (Dec 1, 2009)

_Godliness with contentment is great gain_, whether you're rich or not, or married or not, or whatever.
(I Timothy 6:6)


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## Idelette (Dec 1, 2009)

Pilgrim72 said:


> This is an interesting question. I've thought about it a few times regarding myself. Even though I've always wanted to share my life with someone, it seems God has had other plans.
> 
> First, it never helped that I was pretty darn shy when I was younger, and I fell into the "When He's Not Asking" category.
> 
> ...



Alex, thanks for sharing so openly! You're probably the one that I can most identify with. You're right....we don't really know what the Lord holds in store for us, and with Him nothing is impossible! I guess I'm just at a point in my life, where I feel that I am at His disposal! Sinclair Ferguson once said something along the lines of; _"Yes, God desires to bless us, and He is concerned with our every need and comfort, but He is MOST concerned with making us Christ-like rather than blessing us in any other way."
_
So, on that note, I have learned to be flexible and open to His will, even if it is not what I prefer. And I just wonder if this is the gift itself? I don't think that the gift of singleness is necessarily that you have absolutely no desire for marriage at all....but perhaps it is an easier burden to carry for some than others. Perhaps some can reconcile their own desires with the will of God. Just some thoughts.


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## Scott Shahan (Dec 1, 2009)

I hope I don't have the gift of singleness..... but I have been single now for 5 years.. and the demographics of the church I am in isn't helpful to a single guy like me.... the Church is 95% married with kids.... single people dont go to church. or at least the churches that I have been involed with... Church life can at times be a lonely place for singles.. just say'n... There are some churches in this town that have single people there but I just cant stomach the theology that is preached there... Sometimes I wonder if the "congregation" looks at a single person differently... Even my pastor said to me once, about being single and in the church..." I bet it is hard being single here at this church".... oh Ya... Church potlucks Im the only single guy there...... makes me feel like a loser..... just say'n... ENUF said out of me! - Shalom


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## PuritanCovenanter (Dec 1, 2009)

In my younger days I declared to someone that I had needs. And I just felt like God was ripping me off. The gentleman's wife who heard me say that jumped right in and told me that what I was desiring was not a need and that I was bordering on sin. God is good and every perfect gift comes from Him. She also pointed me to Colossians 2:10 and showed me that I was complete in Christ. The very fact that Christ died for me should prove that I had already found favor in His sight. 

I was very discontent with being single as a young twenty three year old. I was taking scripture out of context such as, "He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing and favor from the Lord." I felt like God was withholding from me. I wanted children as do many and I was over anxious.

Then I happened upon Genesis 3:4,5 and saw the same lie being told to Eve. God was withholding on her also according to the serpent. 

I had a lot of repenting to do. 

This is a difficult area and one hard to wait for. In His Time things become clearer. Hang on to the general will of God in your sanctification and the rest just seems to work out. 



> (1Th 4:3) For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
> 
> (1Th 4:4) That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;
> 
> ...


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## ubermadchen (Dec 1, 2009)

The "gift" of singleness truly is the gift that no one wants! Ha! 

But maybe instead of wondering whether one has the gift, one should spend time thinking about how their present circumstances can be used as a gift. I'm reminded of someone who made a seemingly negative comment regarding all the time I devote to Bible study and the Church (through BSF, serving in the church, other Bible studies, etc). She said to me insultingly, "You can do that because you have nothing better to do." It took me a while to realize that she was right. My loneliness and almost helplessness in this station in life was the filter I needed to realize that all the world could ever offer me could never compare to being with Christ. Could I have known this so soon in life had I been married early and had multiple children? Only the Lord knows; but I am thankful that God has allowed me to realize this truth sooner rather than later. The Church, as a whole helps to some degree in managing the trials that come with being single if I discipline myself to remain in community. So, I wouldn't say that the gift of being single is the ability to be alone and not go crazy. No one who is truly part of God's Church is suitable alone. Neither would I say that the gift of being single means a lack of romantic desire. Instead, a person who can channel that drive into godly avenues and keep it in check through repentance and avoidance, is a better example of someone who may have the gift of singleness. Thus, anyone who is single, whether for a time or forever, could have this gift.


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