# Marriage Thoughts Regarding Emotions



## greenbaggins (Sep 12, 2008)

Let's face it, men. We are not always that great at reading our wives' emotional state. In fact, we are usually pretty poor at it. Furthermore, we are often selfish, thinking that our wives need to read us first and take care of our emotional needs (at the same time denying that we even have them...ego, ego, ego). We come home from a bad day at work, and the thing that grabs our attention most is whether or not our wives greet us with cheerfulness, despite having spent most of the day with the children (which, more likely than not, results in her being somewhat grumpy). And believe you me, I am definitely preaching to myself first, here. 

We need to read body language a bit more, men. I know that seems like a foreign concept to many, but it's true. My wife, for instance, if she's mad at something, will simply clam up. And she also walks about a bit stiffly. That's when I know something is wrong. If your wife has a tell, then you need to read it, and _then do something about it_. All too often, we can read the signs, but then we don't want to do anything about it, resulting in a simmering, boiling cauldron of a wife. Women are strange in this way. I won't seek to generalize from just my experience, but I have seen that submissive wives will tend to test their husbands to see if they are paying attention. They want their husbands to notice whether something is wrong or not. Mine certainly does. That is why she will almost never bring it up, but will wait for me to sound her out. 

Women, maybe your husband is just not good at noticing things. But you also have to remember that your husband is not a mind reader. Hey, most of the time he's not even a body-reader either! Don't be afraid to bring up something. But here's how not to do it: "Honey (!), why did you do this AGAIN!!!" Avoid generalizations that will immediately put the husband on the defensive. Attacks like this will make the husband think furiously for a way out in saying that no, he hasn't always done it like that. There was that time, oh, it was only a little while ago, maybe, uh, three years ago, on a Thursday, I think it was... If, however, you were to approach your husband this way: "This particular action done at this particular time made me feel like x," then your husband will not feel like your are making him out to be the nincompoop that he really is. He will be much more likely to appreciate this little white lie of ignoring his normal stupidity, and be much more likely to consider that you are hurt by something. It will be the surest way possible for you to achieve reconciliation, which is the goal, after all. Isn't it? ISN"T IT? Oh, and I thought (you're saying) that the goal was to keep score for years and years! "Remember that time 40,000,000 years ago when you made me feel fat? Well, I've never forgotten it, you insensitive Cretin!" 

So, how about a compromise? Husbands, do better at reading your wives so that you can keep short accounts and achieve forgiveness. Oil up those gears a bit, men. Wives, if your husband isn't noticing all the MILLIONS of signs you're giving off, don't despair. That subtle twitch of your finger done in a certain way at a certain angle when the light was low might very well have escaped his football-riveted attention. Try a more direct approach, like a branding iron, for instance. No, seriously, try saying his name, and then telling him directly what the problem is. "Oh, but won't he think I'm being forward and challenging his He-man status?" A most emphatic no. Most men are pretty linear creatures. They like obvious problems stated clearly. Then they can deal with the problem linearly as well.


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## Backwoods Presbyterian (Sep 12, 2008)

Were you at my house last night?


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## SolaScriptura (Sep 12, 2008)

Thanks for that. That was convicting.
I think that in general I'm a pretty good husband... but I have to confess that I can be quite a selfish jerk at times.


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## FrielWatcher (Sep 12, 2008)

Along with Mr. Glaser, Mr. Keister, you must of been listening in...since you live in the next state. Go NoDak! Excellent points brought up because I know myself that this is a hard road to walk, this marriage thing. I constantly have to remind myself of the verses that tell me to love my wife as I love myself...or as Christ loves the church. It is not something automatic in my depraved state because if I don't, I will forget. Then we all know where it goes from there. If Christ can loves His church as much as it is sinful, how much more can I love my wife when I am far more sinful than her...I must and am obligated to love her more. That means holding my tongue and waiting. 

Thank you for that edifying exhortation.


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## VirginiaHuguenot (Sep 12, 2008)

http://www.puritanboard.com/f51/tim-hawkins-35882/


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## JBaldwin (Sep 12, 2008)

VirginiaHuguenot said:


> http://www.puritanboard.com/f51/tim-hawkins-35882/



I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes! Thanks for sharing that.


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## Mushroom (Sep 12, 2008)

So funny, yet so true! Thanks, Lane, you ministered to this family.


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## Grymir (Sep 12, 2008)

Nice!!


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## jwithnell (Sep 12, 2008)

What always amuses my husband is how our two older girls and I will sometimes hold a whole conversation without saying a word!


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## a mere housewife (Sep 12, 2008)

As a woman, I'd like to add that I think one the most helpful things Ruben does for me, is that he is so forgiving himself. It seems like remembering not only how immeasurably much God is always forgiving in me, but how very much my husband daily, hourly overlooks, is the best remedy to most of my emotionalness. Sure there are times to say his name and tell him that x hurt, but I think it's actually sweeter and often simpler to remember how kind he was the last time I was grumpy or unsubmissive (and my memory does not have to go floundering through the very distant past), and let it pass. If being a hopeless, daily failure of a sinner is only good for one thing, it should be good for not getting too upset at other people's repeated failures (and yet one is constantly failing in that, too: and learning to forgive other people for having the same trouble). Marriage seems like the ultimate life long practice in charity: removing the beam in your own eye before harping on the mote in someone else's.

In other words I agree with the advice about being straightforward instead of using body language; but I think it's even nicer in most cases between Christian men and women to simply overlook and forget; and I notice that most of the wiser, older women I know have far more of this 'forgetting' ability than many of us younger ladies (myself very much included). I think it probably springs from a very good memory they've built up, of being forgiven. R leaves me without any excuse (though of course he doesn't bring it up  for not having such a good memory, by forgiving me so kindly, so often, before I even ask: it's so hard to keep score against someone who refuses to put any marks against you.


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