# Marriage This Weekend - Counsel?



## TaylorOtwell (Jul 9, 2009)

Greetings All,

This weekend, Lord willing, I will be married to a godly young woman. I just wanted to ask for advice on any marriage/honeymoon related topic from the brothers and sisters here on the board.


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## JML (Jul 9, 2009)

*ELOPE*


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## Backwoods Presbyterian (Jul 9, 2009)

Do not post on the PB over the weekend.


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## JML (Jul 9, 2009)

Seriously, though, my advice is to enjoy the celebration of your wedding. It can become a very stressful day. 

Congratulations. I pray that you two will have a wonderful, God-honoring marriage.


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## SemperEruditio (Jul 9, 2009)

Backwoods Presbyterian said:


> Do not post on the PB over the weekend.



Do not post on the PB for a few weeks at least.


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## Semper Fidelis (Jul 9, 2009)

1. Enjoy the wedding night.
2. Remember that your wife doesn't always want to have you solve her problems but sometimes just wants to know that you care about what she's telling you.
3. Love her. Always. Even when she doesn't "deserve" it (just as she'll have to submit to you when you will often not deserve it).
4. Honor her as precious to you in the presence of others. Praise her in the gates.
5. Keep her "warm", next to your side, let her know that she's precious to you and important to you.
6. Teach her. Learn the Word so that you are able to answer her questions. Be patient with her as she learns to learn from you.

I wish I had more profound things to say but, all I can tell you is that finding a good wife is a tremendous blessing. Thank God always for her and repent often that you don't cherish the helpmeet that God has gifted you with. There are so many men that are not so blessed.


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## Gord (Jul 9, 2009)

Communication, patience, and pay attention to her in all ways. Your heart will lead you the rest of the way.


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## AltogetherLovely (Jul 9, 2009)

> 1. Enjoy the wedding night.
> 2. Remember that your wife doesn't always want to have you solve her problems but sometimes just wants to know that you care about what she's telling you.
> 3. Love her. Always. Even when she doesn't "deserve" it (just as she'll have to submit to you when you will often not deserve it).
> 4. Honor her as precious to you in the presence of others. Praise her in the gates.
> ...



That about says it all, doesn't it? 

I only wish to add #7 - you have signed up for a lifelong doctoral program, and you will die before you finish your dissertation. Get a Ph.D in Wife Studies. Pay attention, study and pursue her as long as you live. There is very little in life as satisfying and uplifting to a woman as being known completely - sins, strengths, passions, body, warts, beauty marks and all - then being completely and utterly cherished despite all of it.

Enjoy the wife of your youth! Congratulations!


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## SolaScriptura (Jul 9, 2009)

Taylor - Congrats on your upcoming marriage! You've received excellent advice, particularly from Rich.

I'll just add two things:

1. Learn to find your happiness in hers.
2. Don't be a selfish lover.


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## larryjf (Jul 9, 2009)

Praise God...that's wonderful!

If you don't pour all of your love into God, then you won't be able to pour God's love into your wife.


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## SolaGratia (Jul 9, 2009)

Some very important things to remember:

1.) Women are not men and vice-versa, they think way different than us men (all this, of course is obvious). However, both of you need to keep this in perspective. 

2.) Let her be a women and you be the man. 

3.) In a Husband and Wife relationship you need three persons. Wife, Husband and the Second Person of the Trinity. 

And Lastly

4.) Whatever she says or wants in the Honeymoon you do it, just don't make it obvious to her. 

This is still a man's world


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## py3ak (Jul 9, 2009)

Weddings are stressful: don't let that affect the way you treat her. You don't want a sinking feeling after the wedding, "Who have I married?" But some of that is normal: just relax and be the person she agreed to marry.


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## Marrow Man (Jul 9, 2009)

Make sure both of you eat before the wedding. Seriously. I've heard of brides who almost fainted because they hadn't eaten all day.

I remembered the evening of the rehearsal that I hadn't eaten anything except for 2 donuts at breakfast. On the day of the wedding, at the reception, I think I managed to eat two chicken fingers -- everybody wants to shake your hand, talk to you, congratulate you, making it difficult to eat. Perhaps your best man can help you out here.


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## Caroline (Jul 9, 2009)

Don't wear tight shoes to the wedding, even if they look really sharp and only pinch a little. (In my wedding video, I'm limping visibly by the time it's half over...)


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## AltogetherLovely (Jul 9, 2009)

> Make sure both of you eat before the wedding. Seriously. I've heard of brides who almost fainted because they hadn't eaten all day.
> 
> I remembered the evening of the rehearsal that I hadn't eaten anything except for 2 donuts at breakfast. On the day of the wedding, at the reception, I think I managed to eat two chicken fingers -- everybody wants to shake your hand, talk to you, congratulate you, making it difficult to eat. Perhaps your best man can help you out here.



As an additional, obvious note, don't make the mistake I did. My husband is severely allergic to most fruit. As I was feeling a bit weak before the ceremony, I ate a cranberry granola bar in the waiting room, 15 minutes before the service. Realizing my potentially deadly mistake, my maid of honor ran across the street and bought a toothbrush and toothpaste so I could still kiss the groom! I ended up delaying things by about 5 minutes. They had to assure everyone that I was still there and alright!


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## Marrow Man (Jul 9, 2009)

Caroline said:


> Don't wear tight shoes to the wedding, even if they look really sharp and only pinch a little. (In my wedding video, I'm limping visibly by the time it's half over...)



The Missus and her bridesmaids decided at the last minute to go sans shoes. If you look closely in the video, you can see bare feet!


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## Edward (Jul 9, 2009)

1.Don't smash cake into each other's face at the reception. It shows a lack of respect for the other, and a level of immaturity. 

2. Remember, it's likely to be a stressful day for one or both of you. Show each other some consideration that evening. You have the rest of your lives together.


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## smhbbag (Jul 10, 2009)

I'm reminded of a great few lines in Reforming Marriage, which was part of our pre-marital counseling. I've loaned out all my copies, so I can't find the quote.

Your job is to make your wife beautiful. When and how is a woman beautiful? She is beautiful and stunning when the fruits of the spirit are alive in her. When she overflows with love and thankfulness to God, when she is faithful in the midst of hard times, when her mere presence is calming and peaceful to you, when she bears the battle-scars on her body from bearing children for the Lord, and when her smile reeks of a woman who is loved.

It is your job to prosper her - to guard her as your greatest treasure, to nurture her faith as a gardener does his flowers, and to make her strong because she knows she is safe in the love of her husband and of her God.

Those analogies do not stick with me nearly as often as they ought. But that is our calling.

These things cannot be accomplished by your efforts alone. Pray for her, and for God to continue to bless and keep her. Apart from His work, you're screwed, to put it bluntly. Pray hard and often.


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## jlynn (Jul 10, 2009)

Wow!! A month for engagement!!! I don't have any advice as I will not be a married woman until September. I can say, though, that may the Lord draw you closer to Him so you can enjoy being together all the more. Congratulations!


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## Augusta (Jul 10, 2009)

Congratulations!! May God bless your union.


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## SolaScriptura (Jul 10, 2009)

Getting ready for the cad label...

You're received good advice from many people.

But take care lest you come away with the all-too-common notion that things are primarily about HER.

At the risk of sounding too extreme the opposite direction...

You are not her helpmeet. She's yours.


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## smhbbag (Jul 10, 2009)

> Getting ready for the cad label...
> 
> You're received good advice from many people.
> 
> ...



Thank you for adding that. 

Another sentence risking sounding extreme in that direction: Christ is the loving, sacrificial servant of the Church....while also being her King and Head.


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## Ask Mr. Religion (Jul 10, 2009)

After 27 years of marriage to a woman who continues to make me want to be a better man, I have only one piece of advice:

The man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck.
The neck is the part that turns the head.



AMR


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## Ruby (Jul 10, 2009)

Congratulations to you both!
May God richly bless you as you serve him together.


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## Brian Withnell (Jul 10, 2009)

Backwoods Presbyterian said:


> Do not post on the PB over the weekend.





I don't know as I'd add much. One thing that might be worthwhile is to read the Song of Song on the wedding night to each other. It is beautiful, it is about marital love.

Oh, and love her as Christ loves the church. Get that one right and everything else will fall in place.


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## Dovecat (Jul 10, 2009)

When we reached our honeymoon site we called both sets of parents to thank them for our wedding celebration. My husband, talking to his mother (in the bluegrass of Kentucky), was given this advice... "Treat your wife like a thoroughbred and she won't turn into an old nag." It still makes me chuckle after 32 years.


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## PuritanCovenanter (Jul 10, 2009)

Have fun and remember your spouse is probably going to be very stressed, so bear well with her in patience and love.


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## PuritanCovenanter (Jul 10, 2009)

Dovecat said:


> "Treat your wife like a thoroughbred and she won't turn into an old nag." It still makes me chuckle after 32 years.



Sound advice. LOL


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## Wannabee (Jul 10, 2009)

It breaks with some tradition, but one of the things my son and his wife found helpful was a time of prayer before the service. I got them alone an hour before it was to start and we spend a few minutes talking, where I reminded them that what goes wrong isn't huge, just to be expected, and that I would be there to straighten anything out. Then we prayed and I left them alone to pray for about 5 to 10 minutes before the ceremony. It seemed to have a calming and focusing affect... at least on me.


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## lynnie (Jul 10, 2009)

How wonderful! Praise the Lord. Next week will be our 30th anniversary and I feel so blessed beyond words to have a Christian husband who loves the Lord and His word (and good theology books  ). I love it when he tells me what he read in the bible and is thinking about and reading about and praying about and struggling with. Women like their man to talk to them about what is going on inside them. Hard for a lot of guys, and the wife has her true deep fellowship with her girlfriends. You don't want that. Force yourself to open up, for the rest of your life, even when you just want to vegetate after a long day. You'll be surprised that when she seems needy and demanding and you feel like you'll need to talk for hours, just ten or fifteen minutes will be enough. Keep the daily connection a top priority. 

I notice you haven't gotten any X rated advice, which does not properly belong on the main page anyway. But I sure hope some of the guys here are sending you a PM. We got books during our premarital counseling that were enormously helpful (first time for intimacy both of us, thank God). Let me just put it this way- there are some things it is helpful for a man to know about to help him slow down what seems to want to happen real fast, naturally speaking, and you generally need to slow down a bit for the sake of the wife, and you might want to be sure to get her, um, speeded up a little bit, or at least on the track in the right gear. I hope you get some PMs. 

I've known several girls whose hubs went into it with no advice, and they never got much pleasure out of it and never enjoyed that part of marriage. A tragedy. We had a pastor 25 years ago whose wife never- um, you know-and it wasn't until they went on a marriage retreat that they found out some things they should have known about 25 years ago. It was nice to see her happiness at finally -um, tasting the proverbial song of solomon fruit- but what a shame, 25 years without it. I know another girl and they never read a thing or got advice or help, and after 10 years she confided to me that she had never had what she was aware existed...and she didn't enjoy the act but did it from duty. What a terrible shame. Maybe your pastor gave you "the books" but if not, I hope some of the guys here will give you some practical tips privately. 

Marriage is great, even with the hard times. May the Lord bless you both.


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## Wannabee (Jul 10, 2009)

Well stated Lynnie. Delicate but necessary...


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## SolaScriptura (Jul 10, 2009)

Thank you, Lynnie.... this is what I alluded to when I advised "don't be a selfish lover." But you spelled it out a little more clearly.


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## Zenas (Jul 10, 2009)

Shut up and listen to her. (I don't alot)


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## Berean (Jul 10, 2009)

Zenas said:


> Shut up and listen to her. (I don't alot)



And don't interrupt her when she's telling you something.


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## Semper Fidelis (Jul 10, 2009)

I agree with the above that a healthy sex life is very important from the aspects of enjoying marriage and (not to be underestimated) suppressing lust.

I know you're really busy right now but when you guys catch a breath, I recommend reading: Amazon.com: Overcoming Sin and Temptation: John Owen, Kelly M. Kapic, Justin Taylor, John Piper: Books

The book was transformative for me.


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## Zenas (Jul 10, 2009)

I don't mean it in the sense of taking orders. I mean it in the sense that one should avoid being unduly burdensome and developing a general tone of tyranny.


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## Wannabee (Jul 10, 2009)

Semper Fidelis said:


> I know you're really busy right now but when you guys catch a breath, I recommend reading: ...




Did that strike anyone else as humorous?


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## Berean (Jul 10, 2009)

Wannabee said:


> Semper Fidelis said:
> 
> 
> > I know you're really busy right now but when you guys catch a breath, I recommend reading: ...
> ...



The "catch a breath" part


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## he beholds (Jul 10, 2009)

Edward said:


> 1.Don't smash cake into each other's face at the reception. It shows a lack of respect for the other, and a level of immaturity.
> 
> 2. Remember, it's likely to be a stressful day for one or both of you. Show each other some consideration that evening. You have the rest of your lives together.



1. I disagree. Some couples are flirty and competitive, and for them, cake smashing is lighthearted fun, and shows that instead of respect/maturity. Now if it would bother your wife, don't do it, but I am always disappointed when I don't see this at a wedding! Just like Edward thinks it's disrespectful and immature, I think it is boring and stuffy not to do it! So I think it depends on the couple. 

2.The rehearsal (my advice may be too late already!) was a thousand times more stressful for us than the wedding. Drink a shot tonight before you meet the evil wedding nazi--I mean planner--if you have one.


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## Marrow Man (Jul 10, 2009)

Expect something to go wrong. Even if it does, things could be far, far worse. Have a good laugh and rejoice that God is still sovereign.

I messed up the lines during the ceremony. We both got tickled. Instead of saying I would be her "loving husband", I said "lovable husband." Of course, that's still true. 

However, after the wedding, as we were getting ready to leave town, my wife's wallet was stolen from her purse. Everything -- driver's license, checkbook, id cards, cash, two large checks -- gone. We spent part of the honeymoon calling the credit card companies canceling the cards. This was at a hotel on a remote island with only one guest phone!

About two months later, we got a phone call in the middle of the night (about 1 or 2 am). It was from the Brunswick, Georgia police department. They had pulled over a guy who was driving around with a sack full of wallets under the seat of his car. They were confirming (they had gotten my father-in-laws info off the checks, and he had given them our number) that ours had indeed been stolen so they could arraign the guy the next day. They then mailed the wallet (complete with id cards and such) back to us!


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## Marrow Man (Jul 10, 2009)

*MODERATOR WARNING:* Let's try to keep everything decent and tasteful in this thread, please. Wedding night advice might best be served in Dad's Tool Shed. Any other suggestive comments will be deleted if they are posted.


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## smhbbag (Jul 10, 2009)

On a lighter note, you are surely aware of the phenomenon of the Freshman 15 weight gain when one starts college.

There is a more deadly, but much more enjoyable phenomenon in marriage - the Newlywed 50. I pray your wife is a good cook, but beware!


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## nicnap (Jul 10, 2009)

Congrats, brother. No advice, just well-wishes.


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## Edward (Jul 10, 2009)

he beholds said:


> Edward said:
> 
> 
> > 1.Don't smash cake into each other's face at the reception. It shows a lack of respect for the other, and a level of immaturity.
> ...



I don't expect we'll find grounds for agreement on that issue.


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