# Leading your family through suffering



## Jack K (Nov 12, 2014)

Don't ask how it happened, but I have been assigned to write on the topic, "Walking with Your Family Through Suffering." I have some thoughts, some Bible passages to bring up, and I've consulted with wise believers who seem to have been through more suffering than my family has. Still, I feel like I'm missing much.

What would you be sure to say on such a topic? Is there anything you would make extra sure to avoid saying?


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## rookie (Nov 12, 2014)

Since my wife and I have just lost a child through adoption (the province awarded custody to a different family), we were/are very heartbroken. The last thing even a believer wants to hear (though we know it's true) is "it was God's will". While we all know God's decrees are at work, and he knows best, it's not something that is encouraging to hear when you lose someone to death or are going through hardship.
The hurting individuals will usually see it in the long run.

Second, I don't recommend having people over (let's say it's the loss of a loved one) and read scripture to you, or pray for a few days. Simply because there is still a shock value going on in the individual's life that they won't be able to focus on the prayers or the readings. Simply having a shoulder to cry on, or arms to hold you are what should be valued. Not saying prayers aren't needed, however they should be done before visiting the hurting individual for wisdom, patience and grace.

The last thing, find some folk that have gone through exactly what the sufferers are going through. My wife and I had lots of difficulty till we found another couple that went through EXACTLY what we were going through. Now there was an emotional connection, they could completely relate to our pain.
Not saying others won't try to encourage, but the common saying will simply be "You just don't get it". 

If both my parents are alive, there is no way I can relate to a friend whose parents just died in a car accident. Losing all 4 of my grand parents is not the same thing, losing a brother or sister, friend, co-worker are not the same thing. If I lost one or both of my parents, now I can relate.

That being said, it's touchy, since not all suffering is the same, some may appreciate prayer or reading of verses. But you have to let them lead in where it's going. 

I know for my wife, neither were beneficial, since she was hallucinating for 4 days. No amount of prayer or reading with her would have been beneficial since I had to do everything for her for 4 days with the exception of helping her in the bathroom. I had to cook, clean, take care of the dogs and could not leave her unsupervised for any length of time.

Finally almost a week later, she was coherent again, and our lives are starting to get back to normal, sort of.

Hope this helps brother.


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## whirlingmerc (Nov 12, 2014)

I like the verse from Job explaining a purpose for suffering 
Job 35:15 He delivers the afflicted by their affliction and opens their ear by adversity

As far as families, it is an opportunity to model trusting in God

Sometimes it helps for a person to read biographies from the past of how people coped with suffering.

There is allot of good talks from a 2005 conference from Desiring God on Suffering and the Sovereignty of God
2005 National Conference | Desiring God

some a family might like include 
Steve Saint Sovereignty, Suffering, and the Work of Missions | Desiring God
Joni Ericson Tada Hope: The Best of Things | Desiring God
and others...


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## deleteduser99 (Nov 12, 2014)

rookie said:


> Since my wife and I have just lost a child through adoption (the province awarded custody to a different family), we were/are very heartbroken. *The last thing even a believer wants to hear (though we know it's true) is "it was God's will"*. While we all know God's decrees are at work, and he knows best, it's not something that is encouraging to hear when you lose someone to death or are going through hardship.
> The hurting individuals will usually see it in the long run.
> 
> Second, I don't recommend having people over (let's say it's the loss of a loved one) and read scripture to you, or pray for a few days. Simply because there is still a shock value going on in the individual's life that they won't be able to focus on the prayers or the readings. Simply having a shoulder to cry on, or arms to hold you are what should be valued. Not saying prayers aren't needed, however they should be done before visiting the hurting individual for wisdom, patience and grace.
> ...



At age 27 I'm not sure how much I can write on true suffering (though I've had some heavy trials in the last four years). I'd just like to second by agreement the parts that are emboldened.


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## Jack K (Nov 12, 2014)

whirlingmerc said:


> There is allot of good talks from a 2005 conference from Desiring God on Suffering and the Sovereignty of God



Ah, yes. In the back of my mind I was aware of that. It's a great resource! Thank you so much for mentioning it.

I especially need to know what I can say to parents to prepare them for guiding their children through times of suffering. Any thoughts on that in particular?


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## whirlingmerc (Nov 12, 2014)

Maybe by examples of other people's lives

I know when my brother died, leaving three children, I thought back and remembered strangely enough when his wife was a little girl her dad died leaving her mom to raise 3 kids, in a way preparing her to see that it's possible. That was a long time ago and the three children are all grown with children


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## Miss Marple (Nov 12, 2014)

Casting no aspersion on Ray, and respecting his opinion, I must say that being reminded that suffering IS God's will has been of comfort to me, and I am much helped by being reminded of it.

Perhaps there is not one right or wrong thing to say to anybody. Which makes comforting the suffering hard, if not seemingly impossible.


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## Free Christian (Nov 12, 2014)

I think it would be hard to place a formula on how to react. My mother was greatly comforted by Bible readings and prayers when my Father passed away.
Being that the topic is "your family" you would know what to expect, especially if they are Christian.
I personally am not a fan of formula type things like that. I think that if you read your Bible and follow what God teaches in things like Proverbs, reading Job and others you would know what to say to your family members. I once saw a person who I believed was operating as per the manual and I and others, who thought the same, found it disturbing and un-natural.


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## jwithnell (Nov 13, 2014)

Some quick, not-so-organized thoughts:

In suffering, we must first focus upon Jesus -- recognizing that He has experienced our suffering -- that He was a man of sorrow and acquainted with grief. Contemplate upon how He can perfectly intercede for us before his father. 

My husband has often commented, based upon his experience losing his first wife, that you can't prepare for battle (suffering) after the fighting has already started. Build your faith now. Have scripture and solid hymns -- _How Firm a Foundation, If Thou But Suffer God to God Thee_, and so forth -- memorized and close to your heart.

A critical verse in my experience has been 2 Corinthians 1: 3b-4 "... and God of all comfort; who comforts us in our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Not only does this point to God's love and comfort for us, it also provides the context for our suffering within the body of Christ. What we experience is not isolated and can be used in the lives around us.

Recognize the eschatological nature of our hope. I recall hearing a dear pastor praying for his sick child, recognizing that God may not heal her in this life -- these are hard times but not outside God hand. His prayers would be answered, but the prayer for healing may not come until we are in the new heavens and the new earth.


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## Ask Mr. Religion (Nov 13, 2014)

I think if we look carefully in the Scriptures we can determine some of the reasons for suffering.

*First suffering can be a test of faith* such as described in
_1Pe 1:7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ._

*Second, suffering can be a sanctifying experience.* Joseph saw how an apparent evil towards him was meant for a greater good by God:
_Gen 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today._

*Third, suffering could be a chastisement as the result of sin in a person’s life.* Chastisement does not mean complete and total rejection by God, only that our souls may be cleansed from the malady of sin. Paul spoke of this chastisement:
_1Co 11:29 For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.
1Co 11:30 That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died.
1Co 11:31 But if we judged ourselves truly, we would not be judged.
1Co 11:32 But when we are judged by the Lord, we are disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world._


Yet, not all illnesses or sickness is the result of sin. Christ clearly said as much:
_John 9:1 As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth.
John 9:2 And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
John 9:3 Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him._

We see here that Christ did not imply that the man or his parents had not sinned. He meant that the man’s blindness was not a direct result of sin in their lives. God had ordained this man to be born blind in order that the man might become a means of displaying the mighty works of God. Before the man was born, the Christ knew He would give sight to those blind eyes.

*Fourth, suffering can sometimes be considered a means by which we display the sympathy of Christ in a practical manner, thus proving our faith through works.* The Apostle Paul notes:
_Col 1:24 Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church,_

The afflictions endured by Paul in his flesh were for the sake of Christ's body, namely, the church. The sufferings of non-believing people are, in one sense, purposeless. There is no high dignity attached to these sufferings. The sufferings of the non-believer are only a foretaste of the torment of hell to be endured forever. But the suffering of the believer is not the same. When believers suffer for Christ, Christ in a very real way suffers with them.

*Fifth, suffering can be a means by which we are tempered (strengthened) for the eventualities to come.* Christ, when speaking to Peter of his eventual death stated:
_John 21:18 Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go._

As in the old saying, “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, suffering can build us up, tempering us, so that we are better prepared for the future and its travails.

*Sixth, suffering can be used as a witness to others of God’s unmerited grace.* All watch how we bear our suffering. Our attitude (spoken and unspoken) towards an illness, accident, etc. and our reception of illness, accident, etc., speak volumes when our spoken testimony of faith is rejected. 

*Seventh, suffering is sometimes a means of weaning us from the things of this world to cause us to draw nearer to God.* Suffering should be a means of educating us to the prospect of heaven. This earthly world is not the home of the believer. We are pilgrims and strangers whose citizenship is in another place. Our minds should be focused on things invisible and not in the temporal things of this life.

We must remember that with the fall of mankind in Eden sin entered the world, corrupting earth and all its inhabitants. Thus we have sin directly causing suffering when sinful people commit sinful acts. We have sin causing suffering indirectly by the deteriorating earth and all its natural disasters. 

*Eighth, suffering is actually a means by which we can comfort others, so there is a fellowship of suffering in some cases.*
_2Co 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,
2Co 1:4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2Co 1:5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too._

*Christ told us that we would suffer in this world:*
_John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world._

But why doesn’t God just stop evil actions that cause innocent people to suffer?

_Jer 12:1 Righteous are you, O LORD, when I complain to you; yet I would plead my case before you. Why does the way of the wicked prosper? Why do all who are treacherous thrive?
Jer 12:2 You plant them, and they take root; they grow and produce fruit; you are near in their mouth and far from their heart._

So in the end, some still like to ask questions like: Why doesn’t God intervene to stop evil if He is all-loving and all-powerful? Why doesn’t He stop the drunk driver’s car that is going to crash into a bus? Why doesn’t He deflect the murderer’s bullets? 

The person asking these questions doesn’t really want God to stop all their evil actions. They don’t want to be invisibly gagged every time they’re about to say something hurtful; they don’t want to stub their toe when they try to kick the dog. They just think it would be good if God stopped certain evil acts or just the evil acts of others. But that would make life impossible. There would be no freedoms, no regularity and no personal responsibility.

Having said this, we must never forget that God is not indifferent to our sufferings for we have the Helper to bear our travails with us. Moreover, God's grace restrains sin and sinners so that we can appreciate mercy and unmerited grace in light of sin. If God did not do so our streets would be running with the blood drawn by the reprobate.


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## Jack K (Nov 13, 2014)

jwithnell said:


> A critical verse in my experience has been 2 Corinthians 1: 3b-4 "... and God of all comfort; who comforts us in our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Not only does this point to God's love and comfort for us, it also provides the context for our suffering within the body of Christ. What we experience is not isolated and can be used in the lives around us.



And this might directly pertain to the task of helping one's children through times of suffering. Thanks. It probably reflects poorly on my preparation, but I hadn't really considered this passage yet. This is a helpful thought (among many... keep 'em coming, folks).


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## jwithnell (Nov 13, 2014)

Jack, I'm not sure if this relates, but your mention of children jogged a thought: something I have very self-consciously picked up from the Puritans was the importance of reminding my children that God alone knows the number of our days and that we cannot know how much longer (or in how much robust health) we will live. We cannot pick up our cues from a modern society that lives in a blind faith that tomorrow will be better and that everyone is young and healthy and happy. Children should not be shielded from death. They need to know the reality of the fall and what that means for all of us. (And, of course, its inverse -- the hope of the resurrection.) In doing so, I hope I am protecting them from ever having to lament: "it wasn't supposed to be this way ..."


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## Jerusalem Blade (Nov 13, 2014)

Jack, I immediately think of the families in the path of the ISIS scourge going through Iraq, and what these demon-energized barbarians do. I realize this is a worst-case scenario. But while teaching believers in the Middle East at risk of being sent back to their Islamic countries, or Sudanese men about to go back to their native animist villages — I prepare them to die (as well as live). Children, and women, I would pull no punches (given an approaching menace like ISIS), but let them know they will likely be badly hurt and abused beyond their worst dreams, and to not forget to cleave most closely to the very present Jesus (He also will cleave to you), who promised not a hair of their head will perish, which shall prove true on the other side of death. The furnace of affliction will not destroy those who trust Him, no matter how bad it looks or feels. Jesus went first — and He gives us strength to follow.

I would make sure they would be prayerful, to know how to draw near Him, to trust Him, to know select Scripture passages that are windows to His presence. I would let them know there are times _*I*_ could not protect them, that their only hope is the Almighty, who has promised never to leave them nor forsake them. While this is an unusual worst-case situation, in principle it applies to all lesser situations as well. All this means that we parents or pastors or teachers must ourselves walk close with Him, so as to bring our families with us to His presence.


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## Jack K (Nov 14, 2014)

jwithnell said:


> I hope I am protecting them from ever having to lament: "it wasn't supposed to be this way ..."



This seems important to me, too. In America, I think the default response to suffering is to say "this shouldn't be happening." We believers need a better answer. What Steve just said fits this idea too, I think.


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## David Pope (Nov 15, 2014)

I recommend DA Carson's book "How Long O Lord". It was a great blessing as my wife and I faced the birth and death of a beloved child with a severe congenital heart defect. 

During that time my thankfulness for God's covenant love and my awareness and hatred of sin and it's effects were especially acute.


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