# What is it to "Honor thy Father and thy Mother"?



## LadyFlynt (Jan 10, 2007)

I believe, gentlemen, that distinguishing the outworkings of this phrase may help us in the other thread. Is it dishonoring to not attend a get-together with family? What if you are honoring them and they feel you aren't...ie., they think you are dishonoring them for not attending certain events that truely may interfere with your beliefs. They may think you are dishonoring them if you honor your spouse and disagree with your parent. So WHAT exactly is it to dishonor/honor your parent/s???


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## Scott Bushey (Jan 10, 2007)

Please see this quotation in light of harmonious theology:



> Matthew 10:32-38 32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. 34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. 37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.


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## toddpedlar (Jan 10, 2007)

LadyFlynt said:


> I believe, gentlemen, that distinguishing the outworkings of this phrase may help us in the other thread. Is it dishonoring to not attend a get-together with family? What if you are honoring them and they feel you aren't...ie., they think you are dishonoring them for not attending certain events that truely may interfere with your beliefs. They may think you are dishonoring them if you honor your spouse and disagree with your parent. So WHAT exactly is it to dishonor/honor your parent/s???



Hi Colleen (my mother's name, btw)

A few thoughts here - totally scattered as is usual for me at this time of the afternoon.

First - honor of parents NEVER takes precedence over honoring God. If your parents are implicitly demanding some kind of behavior as befitting their "honor", and that behavior is contrary to God's precepts, then forget it. Obey God, not men. Their view of what is honorable and dishonorable is moot. 

Second - I'd point you again to James Durham's Treatise on Scandal, for a reminder of something everyone knows already. People sometimes take offense at things that are not properly offenses. This can happen a great deal, particularly if parents are unbelievers, but even if they are. We all carry chips on our shoulders once in a while that have nothing to do with true honor, but only to do with our own priggishness and pride.

Third - Believing parents should be glad to have you obeying what you believe is the God-honoring thing to do, and should be glad to see you honoring God ABOVE them. They may not necessarily like it, but if they are believers, they must accept your call to duty. I suspect here is where many intra-family conflicts arise. People are happy to have their relatives honor God as long as it doesn't inconvenience them.

That's all I've got on my mind now - probably not all that helpful, and it's certainly too scattered and overlapping. Long and short of it is that you've got to honor God, whether or not your parents like it.


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## MrMerlin777 (Jan 10, 2007)

toddpedlar said:


> Hi Colleen (my mother's name, btw)
> 
> A few thoughts here - totally scattered as is usual for me at this time of the afternoon.
> 
> ...


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## LadyFlynt (Jan 10, 2007)

Todd, I think you spoke very well.


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## Robin (Jan 10, 2007)

Colleen,

"Honor" is not dependant upon perceptions or definitions of another (because abusive people usually will not think or behave appropriately.)

Honor is a grateful attitude (to God) for being born; showing dignity towards those who gave us life. (Sometimes this can only be expressed in our hearts since some parents are estranged from adult children due to abuse or bad behaviors.)

Here is a brief overview from a Jewish essay on what the Torah means:

Honor your parents by treating them as distinguished, even if they are not.

Speak to your parents in a soft and pleasant tone. The Talmud (Baba Metziah 58b) tells us that distressing someone with words is worse than cheating them financially. Taking someone's dignity and happiness is worse than taking their money. We would never think of cheating our mother, yet when it comes to speaking disrespectful words too often slip out.

Treat your parents respectfully by addressing them always as "Mom" or "Dad" or "Mother" or "Father." Calling your parents by their first names is considered disrespectful, as is disturbing their sleep, and sitting in their usual place -- whether at home or in the synagogue or another public setting. 

Serve your parents food and drink with a pleasant expression. Welcome them in and escort them out.


You are not expected to honor your parents' behavior which is abusive or disrespectful of you. For that matter parents are prohibited from acting cruelly toward their children, or needlessly anguish them. (Sefer Habris, part 2, no. 13)

Furthermore, parents are forbidden to burden their children excessively, and to be overly concerned about the respect due them. This directive to parents refers to all sorts of burdens including psychological ones, as very often the stress and pressures that parents bring to bear on their children can cause great strain. 

For parents and children to have a proper relationship, parents must show understanding, respect, and patience toward their children. Every child needs to be loved by his parents and, most importantly, to be accepted for what he or she is."

I hope this helps.

Robin


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## LadyFlynt (Jan 10, 2007)

Absolutely, Robin! Thank you.


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## MW (Jan 10, 2007)

I think John Flavel sums it up well:



> Q. 7. What are the duties of children to parents?
> A. Their duty is, (1) To obey them only in the Lord; Ephesians 4:1. Children, obey your parents in the Lord. (2.) To reverence and honour them; Leviticus 19:3. Ye shall fear every man his mother and his father, &c. (3.) To submit to their reproofs and corrections; Hebrews 12:9. Furthermore, we have had fathers of our flesh, which corrected us, and we gave them reverence. (4.) To provide for them, if they be poor and needy, and we have ability; Genesis 47:12. And Joseph nourished his father and his brethren, and all his father’s household, with bread, according to their families.
> 
> Q. 8. What shall children do when parents abuse their authority, by forbidding duty, or commanding sin?
> A. In such cases children are to obey God, rather than their parents; Acts 4:19. But Peter and John answered, and said unto them, whether it be right in the sight of God, to hearken unto you, more than unto God, judge ye. But yet to manage their refusals of obedience with all meekness and humility.



On family functions -- I think our Lord's attendance at the wedding of Cana is worthy of imitation.


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## WrittenFromUtopia (Jan 11, 2007)

I'm pretty sure the context of honoring one's parents in the OC was that of taking care of them when they are older, as they took care of you when you were younger.


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