# Incompatibility?



## arapahoepark (Nov 15, 2019)

A hypothetical situation: how would you counsel a couple (or one person in the relationship) who wants to divorce because "it's not working out?" Aka i incompatibility. 
Related and probably asked previously by me, how compatible should a couple be?


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## timfost (Nov 15, 2019)

Incompatibility in marriage says, "I'm not getting what I want from this relationship." Love says, "how can I serve, what can I give?" Incompatibility says, "God made a mistake putting me with you." Love says, "God knew exactly what I needed joining me with you."

Reactions: Like 10 | Amen 1


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## TylerRay (Nov 15, 2019)

arapahoepark said:


> A hypothetical situation: how would you counsel a couple (or one person in the relationship) who wants to divorce because "it's not working out?" Aka i incompatibility.
> Related and probably asked previously by me, how compatible should a couple be?


I agree with Tim. The "incompatibility" mindset is the mindset of a person who doesn't want to change in order to grow closer to his/her spouse.

I see nothing about so-called "compatibility" in the Scriptural teaching on marriage. To put it bluntly, it's a cop out that people in our culture use to justify leaving a relationship, rather than working things out.

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## Ed Walsh (Nov 16, 2019)

arapahoepark said:


> Related and probably asked previously by me, how compatible should a couple be?



Well, I think it's safe to say for starters that one party should be a man and the other should be a woman, and they both must be Christians. I think it's good if they speak the same language also.  Cultural considerations are also to be considered, but some supposed incompatibility there can be overcome as husband and wife submit to one another in the Lord and of course, bear with one another in their weaknesses. Beyond that, I think compatibility is overrated. Parents have arranged many many successful marriages throughout the years while their children were still children. They married younger, had more children, and certainly had a much more difficult life than we have in this modern first world.

Twenty-five years ago, I put my wife and family through a lot due to my failings as a father husband and Christian. If we were not Christians, my wife certainly would have left me. But fast forward to today, we're almost 68 years old and still very much in love. A much higher love then when we first fell in love. I do praise God so much for the beautiful Christian woman with beauty inside and outside. I have the best of both worlds as they say. When I say grace at meals and thank God for the food, I always add, "and thank you for my gorgeous wife who made it," or words to that effect. Christian marriage, when there is some dedication to the Lord by both parties, will overcome every compatibility obstruction that would destroy the worldly person's marriage.

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## RJ Spencer (Nov 16, 2019)

arapahoepark said:


> A hypothetical situation: how would you counsel a couple (or one person in the relationship) who wants to divorce because "it's not working out?" Aka i incompatibility.
> Related and probably asked previously by me, how compatible should a couple be?



Incompatibility to which degree? What is the cause of the incompatibility? If the incompatibility is caused by mental/verbal abuse that is a different matter than it just not working out...


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## Dachaser (Nov 16, 2019)

RJ Spencer said:


> Incompatibility to which degree? What is the cause of the incompatibility? If the incompatibility is caused by mental/verbal abuse that is a different matter than it just not working out...


Agreed, but think most of the time it's just one not feeling that their needs are being met, but Jesus is the one to fully meet them.


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## ZackF (Nov 17, 2019)

This is all going to depend. If the party desiring the marriage is the only one willing to be counseled then I would start about faithfulness to Christ and His word. If he(or she) is seeking to honor the one wishing to leave there is not much that can be done about the other. The would be leaver cannot be forced to stay. I don't see why the keeper needs to make it easy for the leaver to go with a Vegas divorce party. I would encourage the keeper to stand firm unless a biblical reason is present for divorce.


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## Dachaser (Nov 18, 2019)

ZackF said:


> This is all going to depend. If the party desiring the marriage is the only one willing to be counseled then I would start about faithfulness to Christ and His word. If he(or she) is seeking to honor the one wishing to leave there is not much that can be done about the other. The would be leaver cannot be forced to stay. I don't see why the keeper needs to make it easy for the leaver to go with a Vegas divorce party. I would encourage the keeper to stand firm unless a biblical reason is present for divorce.


My understanding of the scriptures on marriage is that 2 who are really saved should never divorce, but can separate for a season, in order to work out their relationship to God and them themselves. If however the other party is into say adultery or some other sexual prevision, and will not repent and forsake, that would be another matter I just do not see any biblical justification due to being simple incompatible, as the Holy Spirit, scriptures, godly counsel are means given to overcome that situation..


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## ZackF (Nov 18, 2019)

Dachaser said:


> My understanding of the scriptures on marriage is that 2 who are really saved should never divorce, but can separate for a season, in order to work out their relationship to God and them themselves. If however the other party is into say adultery or some other sexual prevision, and will not repent and forsake, that would be another matter I just do not see any biblical justification due to being simple incompatible, as the Holy Spirit, scriptures, godly counsel are means given to overcome that situation..



I disagree with "and will not repent and forsake" as a necessity before the offended party may seek a divorce. The adulterer is not entitled to a second chance or couples counseling. If the victim chooses to do that then so be it. Forgiveness doesn't necessitate keeping the marriage together though that is certainly an option. A bank owner may forgive an employee for stealing money but that doesn't mean he must keep the employee on payroll. As I understand it that is the plumb line view in Reformed Christianity while realizing the PRC(and maybe other denominations) have their own teachings on this matter.

A pastorally difficult gray area or continuum to navigate would be a person who didn't divorce when a spouse committed adultery but say two, three, five or fifteen years later decides to do so. How should we respond to that? Has he not moved past his wife's adultery or does he have his eyes on the 28 year old administrative assistant bringing him coffee every day?


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## Dachaser (Nov 18, 2019)

ZackF said:


> I disagree with "and will not repent and forsake" as a necessity before the offended party may seek a divorce. The adulterer is not entitled to a second chance or couples counseling. If the victim chooses to do that then so be it. Forgiveness doesn't necessitate keeping the marriage together though that is certainly an option. A bank owner may forgive an employee for stealing money but that doesn't mean he must keep the employee on payroll. As I understand it that is the plumb line view in Reformed Christianity while realizing the PRC(and maybe other denominations) have their own teachings on this matter.
> 
> A pastorally difficult gray area or continuum to navigate would be a person who didn't divorce when a spouse committed adultery but say two, three, five or fifteen years later decides to do so. How should we respond to that? Has he not moved past his wife's adultery or does he have his eyes on the 28 year old administrative assistant bringing him coffee every day?



God has given to us grounds for Christians to seek a divorce, but still see that as while allowable, God still would have the two to stay together and reconcile back to each other if at all possible. That was why I stated if the one sinning refused to acknowledge and deal with their sin was grounds for divorce.


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## Edward (Nov 18, 2019)

ZackF said:


> A pastorally difficult gray area or continuum to navigate would be a person who didn't divorce when a spouse committed adultery but say two, three, five or fifteen years later decides to do so. How should we respond to that?



I would suggest, in that circumstance, looking to the common law doctrine of Condonation. (In short, if the victim spouse takes no action after learning of the infidelity, they are estopped from re-visiting the issue later). 

For a longer discussion, try this: https://www.uakron.edu/dotAsset/1fc6b452-1aa1-4f96-8797-5020af3fad0c.pdf although I haven't bothered to read it myself.

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## Saxon (Nov 19, 2019)

arapahoepark said:


> A hypothetical situation: how would you counsel a couple (or one person in the relationship) who wants to divorce because "it's not working out?" Aka i incompatibility.
> Related and probably asked previously by me, how compatible should a couple be?



Would you be counselling the couple in the capacity of a church leadership role, or as a concerned friend? 

I would exercise caution against getting too invested in solving a friend's relationship problems. Despite best intentions, it often leads to ill-will (i.e. "shooting the messenger").


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## Dachaser (Nov 19, 2019)

Saxon said:


> Would you be counselling the couple in the capacity of a church leadership role, or as a concerned friend?
> 
> I would exercise caution against getting too invested in solving a friend's relationship problems. Despite best intentions, it often leads to ill-will (i.e. "shooting the messenger").


Best to have Pastor or qualified Elder to help them out formally.


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