# Funny things you only hear in Church



## Marcellus (May 23, 2008)

Preachers and people say things in Church that are often funny to me and I am sure there are more. I guess its Christian buzz words and phrases. 

Here are 2 that I bet you hear in Church but never outside the doors. 
“As it were” I really don’t think I could use this in a sentence if I wanted to, then again English was never my best subject.
“If you will” I’m thinking “Will what?”
__________________


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

*"Turn with me, in your Bible..."*

I have heard this from the pulpit before.

"Turn with me, in your Bibles..."

I always have to supress the urge to yell,

"YOU GET OUT OF MY BIBLE!"




____________________________

Another one is "Turn in your Bibles....to Matthew."


I always picture a line of worshippers walking toward a dear saint named Matthew and giving him their Bibles.


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## py3ak (May 23, 2008)

You're creating performance anxiety for the preachers on here, Sterling! Is "please open your Bibles to the book of _________" OK?


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

Sorry Ruben.

 And, yes -- "Please open your Bibles to the book of _______________" would be OK.


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## Mushroom (May 23, 2008)

I have counted the number of times an elder has said "this morning" during announcements. It can rise to surprising numbers.

But then, I could do no better, so I gratefully endure the redundancy.


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## Herald (May 23, 2008)

I know a man in Christian leadership who says, "Father God" every five second when praying publicly. One time I counted the number of "Father God's" and had to stop when it exceeded thirty.


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

joshua said:


> North Jersey Baptist said:
> 
> 
> > I know a man in Christian leadership who says, "Father God" every five second when praying publicly. One time I counted the number of "Father God's" and had to stop when it exceeded thirty.
> ...




If not "taking the Lord's name in vain" -- it sure sounds like "vain repetition" (Matthew 6:7).


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## nicnap (May 23, 2008)

Presbyterian Deacon said:


> I have heard this from the pulpit before.
> 
> "Turn with me, in your Bibles..."
> 
> ...



 pffftahahahaha!!! I needed that.


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## nicnap (May 23, 2008)

joshua said:


> North Jersey Baptist said:
> 
> 
> > I know a man in Christian leadership who says, "Father God" every five second when praying publicly. One time I counted the number of "Father God's" and had to stop when it exceeded thirty.
> ...



Josh, why does this sort of thing bother you, Josh? Josh, is it that it just seems to be vain repitition, Josh. That, Josh, by saying our Father God's name over and over Josh, that He may hear more or something? Me, Josh, I do not think, Josh, that it is that. Josh, I just think it has become filler words that, well Josh, they do not realize they are saying Josh. I too believe it is vain repition, Josh. (Sorry, Josh and Bill and Sterling; this one is one is a pet peeve o' mine...but I couldn't resist.)


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## Herald (May 23, 2008)

I think this gentleman says "Father God" so many times because it is habit. I don't believe he was ever told how to pray. Yes, I do think we need to teach people how to pray. Not for the sake of eloquence but in how to direct our prayers. Vain repetition is when words or phrases are repeated (multiple prayers) in order to be heard.


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

nicnap said:


> joshua said:
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> > North Jersey Baptist said:
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We know, you're just *joshin* us! ?


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## nicnap (May 23, 2008)

True...I just think it has become filler words...I stand corrected on the vain rep.


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## nicnap (May 23, 2008)

Presbyterian Deacon said:


> nicnap said:
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> > joshua said:
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I was; that was quite the *sterling* observation you made.


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

North Jersey Baptist said:


> I think this gentleman says "Father God" so many times because it is habit. I don't believe he was ever told how to pray. Yes, I do think we need to teach people how to pray. Not for the sake of eloquence but in how to direct our prayers. Vain repetition is when words or phrases are repeated (multiple prayers) in order to be heard.



 Point taken. Thanks.


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

nicnap said:


> Presbyterian Deacon said:
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> > nicnap said:
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And just in the *NICK* of time!


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

I have had to consciously train myself not to do this. I had a college professor say we would never communicate with a close friend by repeatedly saying there name back to them, so why do we do this with God.

A little off, but, have you ever run across people who repeatedly say man, "you know what I mean man", "I was like, man", "yeah man","that's right man" etc.?


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

I hear ya man!


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## Simply_Nikki (May 23, 2008)

nicnap said:


> joshua said:
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> > North Jersey Baptist said:
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 That was funny lol!


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## Herald (May 23, 2008)

Pilgrim's Progeny said:


> I have had to consciously train myself not to do this. I had a college professor say we would never communicate with a close friend by repeatedly saying there name back to them, so why do we do this with God.
> 
> A little off, but, have you ever run across people who repeatedly say man, "you know what I mean man", "I was like, man", "yeah man","that's right man" etc.?



Dude, no. Like I don't know anyone like that, dude. Whoa.


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

North Jersey Baptist said:


> Pilgrim's Progeny said:
> 
> 
> > I have had to consciously train myself not to do this. I had a college professor say we would never communicate with a close friend by repeatedly saying there name back to them, so why do we do this with God.
> ...


That's cool man, man I'm ok with that, you know what I mean man


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

My wife has pointed out in the past how often I said "um" "a" "you know what I mean" , I have now trained myself not to use filler words, when I hear it in other preachers it can be somewhat distracting.


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## nicnap (May 23, 2008)

Well, at least no one still uses phat...and thankfully I NEVER heard it in a sermon!! I do believe that a church is still the only place you can receive a "pounding" from 50-60 people and end up better off than before it happened. 

(In case you don't know...I found this out with some confusion, in my first pastorate...a pounding is when the members of a church gift a member in need with canned goods and other groceries.)


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

nicnap said:


> I do believe that a church is still the only place you can receive a "pounding" from 50-60 people and end up better off than before it happened.
> 
> (In case you don't know...I found this out with some confusion, in my first pastorate...a pounding is when the members of a church gift a member in need with canned goods and other groceries.)


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## etexas (May 23, 2008)

Are you saving a space in that pew? Think about it! You NEVER get that anywhere but Church!


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

Every head bowed, every eye closed, no one looking around . . .


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## raekwon (May 23, 2008)

I see that hand.


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

etexas said:


> Are you saving a space in that pew? Think about it! You NEVER get that anywhere but Church!



"Is that seat saved?" 

"Not only that, but baptized and sanctified, too!"


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## nicnap (May 23, 2008)

Presbyterian Deacon said:


> etexas said:
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> > Are you saving a space in that pew? Think about it! You NEVER get that anywhere but Church!
> ...


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

We got all night folks . . . do I see a hand.


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## nicnap (May 23, 2008)

Pilgrim's Progeny said:


> We got all night folks . . . do I see a hand.




The buses will wait...


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 23, 2008)

one more verse of "Just As I Am!"....


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

Oh, the good ole days, so I thought!


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

I remember this one time in seminary . . .


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 23, 2008)

This one time my wife . . .


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 24, 2008)

Pilgrim's Progeny said:


> This one time my wife . . .



Careful....watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iY4k...he_speaks_pastors_wives_get_their_day_youtube

[video=youtube;iY4khRpG8O8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iY4khRpG8O8&e[/video]


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## Nebrexan (May 24, 2008)

"If you're here this morning ..." 

And then there are these extreme examples of prayers, such as, "Lord, forgive this congregation for their continued failure to tithe."


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## Galatians220 (May 24, 2008)

Presbyterian Deacon said:


> Pilgrim's Progeny said:
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> 
> > This one time my wife . . .
> ...


 


 

*THANK YOU!!!!*



Margaret







http://www.sweetim.com/s.asp?im=gen&ref=12


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## nicnap (May 24, 2008)

Presbyterian Deacon said:


> Pilgrim's Progeny said:
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> > This one time my wife . . .
> ...




That was the funniest thing I'v heard in a while....


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## nicnap (May 24, 2008)

joshua said:


> nicnap said:
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> > Presbyterian Deacon said:
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 You been stalkin' me? How did you know about the pink?  Oh your use of powers is quite incredible...maybe I was wrong; Andrew isn't the Grand Poo-Bah...you are.


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 24, 2008)

joshua said:


> nicnap said:
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> > Presbyterian Deacon said:
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Pink, Oprah, and Joel Olsteen. What a combo!


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## jambo (May 24, 2008)

I heard one speaker urging people to have early morning devotions said "It's good to get up before God in the morning"

Another speaker getting husbands to think of the missionfield said, "Ok, so you may have a large wife and family..."

One that I still laugh at was at college. Some of us had put in an order for some books. Some books arrived, some didn't. The guy responsible for processing the order announced, "Those who ordered Satan Cast Out will get a refund."


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## Presbyterian Deacon (May 24, 2008)

jambo said:


> "It's good to get up before God in the morning"


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## py3ak (May 24, 2008)

Presbyterian Deacon said:


> Pilgrim's Progeny said:
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> > This one time my wife . . .
> ...



Is this what they teach women who go to seminary?


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## Galatians220 (May 24, 2008)

Presbyterian Deacon said:


> Pink, Oprah, and Joel Olsteen. What a combo!


 
They go together like a horse and carriage - and the shovel that's used to clean up after the horse... 

Margaret


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## Sonoftheday (May 24, 2008)

I am soooo glad that I now attend a reformed church, but before I did these were some things I heard frequently in church.



> "Did you see ________ about Israel? Looks like the end times are very near now."
> 
> "Last Days this, Last Days that, Israel this, Israel that."
> 
> ...


As one who was not dispensational attending that church became frustrating. 

Oh 3 more things that made me wanna scream.



> "God helps those who help themselves."
> 
> "God is in the business of helping people, and we as God's people should be too."
> 
> "Whenever _____ prays he always talk to God like they're best friends, he starts every prayer with 'Hey there Big Guy'" (I actually heard a conversation two people had about how they were impressed by someone addressing God in such a blasphemous way)



Now (at my new church)I haven't heard anything laughable yet.


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## turmeric (May 24, 2008)

Funniest thing I heard at a Dispie gathering:
"Hey did you get _The Mark_ yet?"


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## bookslover (May 25, 2008)

nicnap said:


> Well, at least no one still uses phat...and thankfully I NEVER heard it in a sermon!! I do believe that a church is still the only place you can receive a "pounding" from 50-60 people and end up better off than before it happened.
> 
> (In case you don't know...I found this out with some confusion, in my first pastorate...a pounding is when the members of a church gift a member in need with canned goods and other groceries.)



Ah, pounding! Years ago, I knew a woman whose father was a pastor during the Depression, in the Middle West. His official salary was $300 - a year! During the worst times, he rarely got paid in money. But, thanks to pounding, he and his family never went hungry.


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## Pergamum (May 25, 2008)

I heard a sermon where the pastor was naming off a list of place-names and then mentioned someone being "interred" in a prison camp....

But the way he said it was, " And he was in Frankford, and he was in hamburg, and he was in Paris, and he is in....terred."


I laughed. I thought he said turd and almost laughed out loud.


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## Pilgrim's Progeny (May 25, 2008)

When I was at seminary, a chapel speaker said(I don't know what he was thinking), 



> "Some of you have come to seminary hoping you will find a little wife and get a big church, but a lot of you will end up 20 years from now in a little church with a big wife"


I hope his wife thumped him good.


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## Prudence and Passion (May 26, 2008)

Pilgrim's Progeny said:


> When I was at seminary, a chapel speaker said(I don't know what he was thinking),
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Now, Paul, I remember you laughing heartily at that line until you received an elbow to the rib cage.


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## py3ak (May 26, 2008)

Bethany, he just didn't want the speaker to miss out on the blessing of a thumping like the one he received!


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## servantofmosthigh (May 26, 2008)

North Jersey Baptist said:


> I know a man in Christian leadership who says, "Father God" every five second when praying publicly. One time I counted the number of "Father God's" and had to stop when it exceeded thirty.



And Spurgeon addresses that in his _Lectures To My Students_.


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## servantofmosthigh (May 26, 2008)

Presbyterian Deacon said:


> Pilgrim's Progeny said:
> 
> 
> > This one time my wife . . .
> ...



So what do Single Pastors use for sermon illustrations? Their mothers?


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## etexas (May 26, 2008)

Pergamum said:


> I heard a sermon where the pastor was naming off a list of place-names and then mentioned someone being "interred" in a prison camp....
> 
> But the way he said it was, " And he was in Frankford, and he was in hamburg, and he was in Paris, and he is in....terred."
> 
> ...


 Turd!


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## Backwoods Presbyterian (May 26, 2008)

Great You Tube!!! Though I must say I rarely if ever use my wife or my kid in Sermon illustrations.


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## Sonoftheday (May 26, 2008)

> Great You Tube!!! Though I must say I rarely if ever use my wife or my kid in Sermon illustrations.



That is because you are reformed and believe the pulpit is for proclaiming the word of God, not proclaiming yourself, friendly advise, or a comedy routine.


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## moral necessity (May 26, 2008)

"And I said to myself, self..." as if a literal conversation was taking place between two people! A friend of mine and I actually speak like this when together sometimes, just for the laugh!


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