# Marriage



## TheocraticMonarchist (Jun 18, 2009)

Might I draw from the PB well of wisdom?

I know that finding the right spouse is important for any believer, but as one who plans on going into the ministry (D.V.) it seems especially important. Not only will I need to find a woman who is qualified to fulfill the role of wife and mother, she will also have to be able to cope with the pressures associated with ministry. I’ve been observant enough to notice that pastor’s wives are held to a higher standard than most women in the church and are often under social stress. This brings my to my question:

What qualities should I look for in a potential wife? I not only need to know the general qualities of a good wife, but also the characteristics that would make her suited for ministry.


This is all new territory for me *( PLEASE HELP!!!)*. Any sound advice will be appreciated—especially from those in the ministry .


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## WaywardNowHome (Jun 18, 2009)

I am in the same situation as well. I look forward to hearing the replies.


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## christiana (Jun 18, 2009)

Aside from all the needed qualifications it must be someone you can love, heart and soul above all in this world forever, and as Christ loved His church! If you truly love sacrificially then all the qualifications will fall into place!
Many blessings and may He guide your search with much discernment!


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## Scottish Lass (Jun 18, 2009)

For any man called to the ministry, his wife needs to be completely on board with that idea and all that it entails. It can be a 24/7 job for Tim at times--1 a.m. trips to the hospital, for example. It's the only job I can think of where the wife is part of the interview process. 

If she loves the Lord like you do, and desires to serve Him as the Bible describes (think Titus 2, etc.), then that's a good start.


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## Sven (Jun 18, 2009)

The easiest way for me to describe what you ought to look for is to have you come over to my place and observe my wife...but if you observe too much, I'll kick your hind end. 

Seriously though, there are several great descriptions of godly women in the Bible. Read about Sarah, Esther, and Ruth in the OT, and Phoebe, the description of deacon's wives in 1 Tim 3:11 (not deaconesses--don't even think it), and Priscilla in the NT. And by all means, read Prov. 31. I have one piece of advice for you though, don't worry yourself about whether a girl you meet is the "right one" for you. It's a lot easier than many people make it out to be. Is she godly? Does she desire to go into the ministry? Is she hospitable? Does she know how to keep good house? Then she's good to go.


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## LawrenceU (Jun 18, 2009)

I agree with everything posted so far. In addition to loving you, loving the Lord even more, she must have a sincere love for the church and her well being. There will be times that will sorely try her. If a sincere love for the church is not in her heart bitterness will become a very real reality for her. Even with that love it is a challenge.


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## CatherineL (Jun 18, 2009)

Its true that pastor's wives are held to a higher standard - maybe its not fair, but it just seems the way that it works out. Her attitude, actions, demeanor, love or lack thereof reflect on her husband for good or bad - much like any wife, but in the context of a church the effects can be profound. A wife's enthusiasm, humility, good humor, servant-heartedness, and joy can be absolutely infectious to any congregation! But her sin issues will be more scrutinized - if she is over-sensitive or prideful she will have an awful time, always feeling judged and never being able to be truly authentic and transparent.

Just a few thoughts in my experience. Of course, your wife will grow in maturity and grace presumably guided by your good and loving leadership.


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## ADKing (Jun 18, 2009)

You may be interested in the following article from GI Williamson: "What (Most) Pastors Need" found in the OPC's "Ordained Servant" here: http://opc.org/OS/pdf/OSV5N2.pdf

The following excerpt is from Samuel Miller's "Clerical Manners and Habits". It is invaluable in my opinion on the topic. (Sorry for the length, but it is worth it).
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6. In seeking a matrimonial union, bear in mind the inestimable importance of piety in a clergyman's wife. I say the inestimable importance; because I am verily persuaded, that no one who has not made the experiment can adequately estimate the importance of genuine and even eminent piety in one who is intended to be a "help meet" for a minister of the gospel. However great the other excellencies of his wife may be, yet if she have not real piety, she cannot be a "helper" in the most important of all interests. She cannot aid him in the conflicts of the spiritual life. She cannot stimulate him in devotion when he is languid; or sympathize with him when he is dejected and comfortless. She cannot counsel and excite him in the delicate and arduous duties of his office. She cannot strengthen his hands among the people of his charge, by appearing foremost among the sisters of the church, in every pious, benevolent, and laudable undertaking in which they engage. She cannot exert a proper influence in "training up her children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." [Eph 6:4] In a word, she must so utterly fail of affording him the least aid, in all that large portion of his duties and conflicts which pertain to the spiritual welfare of himself, his family, and the souls committed to his care; and, if not an aid, must be so frequently a snare and a drawback in reference to all these interests, that, methinks, a conscientious man, entering on the work of the holy ministry, will be extremely unwilling to form a connection, to say the least, promising so little of either comfort or advantage.
Let me earnestly exhort you, then, in seeking a wife, to look for one of unfeigned and ardent piety. Nothing that she can possess ought to be considered as a compensation for the want of this great characteristic. However beautiful, however amiable, however intelligent, however extensively read, and however polished in her manners, if she lack the "one thing needful," [Luke 10:42] she will be essentially deficient as a companion for an ambassador of Christ. But if, with other qualities, which may fairly be presupposed, she whom you choose for a wife be a person possessed of enlightened, active piety, you will find her a treasure beyond all price; a comforter in trials; a counsellor in study, in labour, and in perplexity; a soother of your careworn hours; a suitable guide of the best interests of your household in your absence; an efficient helper in a variety of respects, incapable of being specified; and, above all, a happy medium of intercourse, and pledge of confidence, between you, and the pious females of your congregation. I have often known the pious wives of clergymen exert an influence so manifest, so extensive, and so happy, within the pastoral charges of their husbands, that, in some cases there were those who felt constrained to doubt whether the pastors or their companions were, all things considered, the more useful. But you cannot be made, at present, to see the whole importance of this matter. If you wish to find your own personal piety nurtured, your comfort increased, your influence extended, and your usefulness doubled, never think seriously of any other than a pious wife. All experience, you may rely upon it, speaks this language. I have never yet known a minister who appeared to know much of the religion of the heart himself, who did not, as he advanced in his course, manifest a growing sense of the great importance of securing a spiritual helper in the companion of his life.
7. You will not fail, I trust, to consider good sense, and prudence also, as indispensable qualities in a clergyman's wife. Whatever piety the object of your choice may possess; yet if she be a person of weak mind, and strikingly deficient in practical discretion, she will perpetually mortify you, and probably do you more harm than good among the people of your charge. She will seldom fail, by her precipitancy, her rashness, her imprudent speeches, and her childish deportment, to weaken your hands, and counteract some of your best efforts. Or the most favourable supposition is, that, when her character is once fairly understood, she will be considered as harmless, and do you no positive injury. Surely something better than this ought to be sought and expected by him who is about to choose a companion for life; a mother for his offspring; a "guide of his house;" [1 Tim 5:14] a lightener of his cares; and a counsellor of his most confidential hours. Who can tell the importance of having, in so near a friend, sound, practical wisdom, and habitual prudence? To a clergyman it is highly desirable that his wife should have good sense and piety enough to be a helper even in his professional duties; but that she should have the principal management of all his domestic concerns, will follow as a matter of course. For this purpose, every one sees that wisdom, prudence, and energy too, are indispensable.
8. I scarcely need to add, that you will, no doubt, consider good temper, and amiable manners, as holding a very important place in the qualifications of her who is to be a "helpmeet" for a minister. It has often been remarked, that no clergyman ever married a wife of a remarkably weak understanding, without severely repenting it. With this I agree. But I am inclined to think that a wayward temper, and repulsive manners, in a wife, are more destructive of domestic happiness, and especially that of a clergyman, than even folly itself.
It is of the utmost importance, that the wife of a public man have that amiable, bland, accommodating disposition; that habitual equanimity and benevolence, which will dispose her at all times to consult her husband's comfort, and to receive with a kind welcome all his friends and visitants. If her temper be irascible, discontented, querulous or vindictive, she will not only create many a bitter hour under her own roof; but will also alienate the friends of him whom she has the deepest possible interest in sustaining, and present an additional obstacle to the favourable influence of his best exertions. Many a minister has had his usefulness in a great measure prostrated, and some have been driven from comfortable settlements, by the acerbity and perverseness of female tempers. And, on the other hand, it is but justice, and equally to my purpose, to add, that, in many cases, a clergyman of weak mind, or unhappy natural temper himself, has been most happily influenced from day to day, and in a great measure sustained in dignity and usefulness, by the affability, prudence, and address of an amiable wife.
9. Good health and a good flow of spirits in a wife are of incalculable importance to any man; but to a minister of the gospel they are, obviously, of peculiar importance. I will not suppose you capable of being so insane as to wed a known valetudinarian; in other words, voluntarily to connect yourself with an incumbrance, rather than a help, for life. Your companion may become sickly, after marriage. If this should be the case, submit to it without a murmur, and cherish her with growing affection, just as you would wish her to do, if your own health should fail. But pray do not begin with a nursling. An invalid of either sex ought, undoubtedly, to receive your compassion, and, as far as practicable, your benevolent attention; but in seeking a wife, I shall take for granted that you wish to obtain a companion by whom your own enjoyment and usefulness will be increased. But surely there is a miserable prospect of either of these objects being, to any extent, attained, when any one commences his conjugal career with a companion, whose frail, morbid frame, and continually recurring indisposition, are ominous of the sick room, rather than of the cheerful, active housewife, as long as she lives. Nay, more; not only seek a wife of good health, and some activity and energy; but one who has also a good flow of animal spirits. How inestimably important to an intellectual and moral labourer, that he have a companion who will be able habitually to cheer him in his gloom; to encourage him in sickness; to incite him in his languid hours; and to banish the clouds which occasionally obscure his prospect, by the fascination of a smiling countenance, which "doeth good like a medicine!" [Prov 17:22]
10. You will, no doubt, have observed that, in the foregoing list of requisites, I have said nothing of personal beauty. For this, my reasons are various. There is no danger of this quality having less influence than it ought to have, in the choice of a wife. All the danger is on the other side. It is a fading flower; soon passing away, and leaving the intellectual and moral qualities, the grand requisites to conjugal felicity. Even while it lasts, it enters much less into the essence of connubial bliss, than the youthful imagination is apt to suppose. Some of the happiest marriages I have ever known were cases in which the wife was remarkably homely, rather than beautiful; but in which her moral beauty was very conspicuous. While, therefore, it is, doubtless, desirable that the woman with whom you hope to spend your life, should have a face and person entirely agreeable to you; I trust you will not be unwise enough to consider a "set of features and complexion," as all in all in your choice. In less than half a dozen years after you have become a husband, every thing of this nature will be lost in the more important considerations of the understanding, the temper, the heart, and the practical duties of domestic life.
11. I solemnly warn you against marrying for money. And by this I mean something more than is commonly intended by the expression. To be influenced, in forming a matrimonial connection, solely or chiefly, by the consideration of property, and not by genuine affection, I hold to be a complicated wickedness; a sin against God, against nature, and against domestic enjoyment; and it is no less a folly than a sin. Such marriages are scarcely every happy; and no wonder that the frown of heaven, as well as the disapprobation of all the wise and good, should rest upon them. But I would go further, and say, to a young clergyman, by no means marry a lady of very large estate, even if you can love her sincerely. Her property will, without something like a miracle, be a snare to you. She will probably expect to live in splendour; to see much company; and to adopt a style of equipage and expense by no means friendly to Christian simplicity and spirituality. This will be fatal to your ministerial fidelity and comfort. Besides, the very care and anxiety unavoidable in managing a large estate, would make your heart and hands so full of the world, as wholly to interfere with exclusive consecration to the duties of your office. I say again, then, be not in haste to wed a large worldly property. In one case only would I allow such a step, viz., where the female who brought the property was decidedly pious; disposed to be plain and simple in her habits; and not likely to ensnare a servant of Christ, by worldly cares and parade. But who can be sure that this will be the case with her whom he marries? The best way is to avoid the danger altogether. In giving this advice, however, I acknowledge, I have little hope that it will be considered as wise, and far less that it will be followed. But if you go counter to it, you will bring on yourself many a heartache, which will convince you of its wisdom afterwards. I have known of one instance of a clergyman declining a matrimonial connection of the most attractive character from motives such as these; but he was a man of singular piety, disinterestedness, and magnanimity.
12. Recollect that there is no step in life, in which you stand more in need of constant divine direction, than in choosing a wife. Perhaps I ought rather to say, that there is no temporal step in which you stand so much in need of the guidance of infinite Wisdom. To marry without cordial affection is madness. To marry without sacredly listening to the dictates of prudence, as to the piety, the good sense, the good temper, and the amiable manners of the individual selected, is equal madness. How shall the demands of both be satisfied? Especially since this, of all the subjects which come before the mind, is that concerning which caprice, fancy, and passion are, perhaps, most apt to blind the judgment, and bear a sovereign sway? For my part, when I recollect these things, I am constrained to ask, can there be a subject concerning which you more urgently need guidance from above? Can there be a subject in regard to which it behoves you more implicitly to cast yourself on the teaching and the control of God, and more importunately to beg him to choose for you? To this momentous matter, let me, with peculiar emphasis, apply that precious precept and promise of God's word;—"Acknowledge him in all thy ways, and he will direct thy steps." [Prov 3:6] Beseech him with unwearied importunity to go before you; to guard you against the confidence of selfwill, and the government of unhallowed passion; to point out the proper object; to direct your choice in mercy; and to preside over every step in your progress. He can, and if you importunately ask him, you have reason to hope, he will, guide your eye; control your feelings; lead you by his providence; remove difficulties; and conduct you to a union for which you will have reason to praise him for ever. If God were more acknowledged and honoured in forming matrimonial connections, we should see more happy marriages. But if, instead of this, in seeking a wife, you forget the best Counsellor; conduct your inquiries more by the eye than the ear; think only of those qualities which please the fancy; depend on effecting an entire revolution in a character confessed not to be, at present, at all suitable; and turn away from the warnings of piety and experience;—why, then, you will probably find your acquisition a scourge instead of a blessing, and all your anticipated joys turned into gall and wormwood.


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## westminken (Jun 18, 2009)

I agree with everything so far. 

I would like to add one caveat though. Other wiser pastors have told me and I have no reason to doubt this, when you are examining a call to a particular church the session or board of elders should be interviewing you only. Your wife is YOUR helpmeet and you should make that clear during the interview process. She should not be expected to be involved in the church any more than a regular church member in good standing. 

What I am trying to say is that the church should not be expecting to get a package deal when you are hired.

If I need to clarify anything, let me know.


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## py3ak (Jun 18, 2009)

Scottish Lass said:


> For any man called to the ministry, his wife needs to be completely on board with that idea and all that it entails. It can be a 24/7 job for Tim at times--1 a.m. trips to the hospital, for example. It's the only job I can think of where the wife is part of the interview process.
> 
> If she loves the Lord like you do, and desires to serve Him as the Bible describes (think Titus 2, etc.), then that's a good start.



Secret Service interviews the wife and the family, including in-laws.

A wife who understands and loves her own role, your role, and you, and who is increasingly godly is what you want. As I see it, the only _specific_ point that's related to you desiring to enter the ministry is that she would value you for your desire to fill that role and appreciate the place it will play. But if you were an AF pilot or a doctor the same kind of appreciation would need to be in place. In other words, she ought to value you in your vocation; but every man's wife ought to value him in his.


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## greenbaggins (Jun 18, 2009)

westminken said:


> I agree with everything so far.
> 
> I would like to add one caveat though. Other wiser pastors have told me and I have no reason to doubt this, when you are examining a call to a particular church the session or board of elders should be interviewing you only. Your wife is YOUR helpmeet and you should make that clear during the interview process. She should not be expected to be involved in the church any more than a regular church member in good standing.
> 
> ...



I'm glad someone said this, because if they hadn't, I would. It is extremely important that she not be expected to be a second employee of the church. However, having the gift of hospitality and the gift of sanctified gab (people skills) can be helpful in a ministry. But you have to decide what your ministry is going to look like first. Do you want people in your home all the time, or do you want to go to other people's homes, primarily? How many children do you want? Beyond this, I second Samuel Miller's call for a pious woman. She needs to be someone you can talk to about the ministry, and be absolutely 100% on board with it. She needs to be able to listen appreciatively to the things you learn, because you have to shepherd her, too. She also needs to be someone who is not simply a yes person. If she sees you doing something unhelpful or unwise, she needs to be able to stand up and call you on it. You need someone who is more concerned about inward beauty than external beauty, although the latter is not unimportant, since one of the two main assaults that Satan unleashes against pastors is in the area of sexual purity (the other one is greed, although arrogance has to rank up there pretty high as well). She needs to understand that she has to protect you in these ways.


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## AThornquist (Jun 18, 2009)

Great advice here; thanks for contributing, y'all.


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## Curt (Jun 18, 2009)

greenbaggins said:


> westminken said:
> 
> 
> > I agree with everything so far.
> ...



Amen.


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## Grymir (Jun 19, 2009)

You also have to hold out for the right woman. I was looking for a female Rush Limbaugh and got it (that's what I told everybody when I was looking for a wife). She's great. Don't give in to the "whoever smiles at me first approach"


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## jwithnell (Jun 19, 2009)

Want a woman's viewpoint? Find someone first and foremost that you can love as a wife, which in my mind means first and foremost, someone who loves Christ as you do. Then see where God takes her as a pastor's wife. I've known many wonderful women who have been great helpers to their pastor/husbands and each had a unique way to go about her life.


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## TheocraticMonarchist (Jun 19, 2009)

Thanks for all the valuable input! I'm taking notes . 

Anyone have anything else to add? I'm sure there is more to know about this subject 

-----Added 6/19/2009 at 11:25:45 EST-----

I just read the thread _again_. Great stuff!


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## Vonnie Dee (Jun 19, 2009)

The first thing I would say is TELL HER! TELL HER! TELL HER! up front if you already know you are going to be a minister. If she doesn't know that early on, I think it is unfair to invest your time and hers if "pastor's wife" is not a postion she is interested in. Of course some people are called after they are already married. However, if you already know she should know. I'm a PK and the wife of a future pastor. I know that it is a job that involves the whole family.


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## he beholds (Jun 19, 2009)

I would think a woman who is discreet, as you may share things with her that shouldn't be shared with the whole church. Definitely not a Mrs. Bennet (_Pride and Prejudice_).


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## Wannabee (Jun 19, 2009)

Most of this is simply reiterating what's been said.

One thing you must grasp a hold of - you marry your wife, not the church. She is your first charge. Often a man must leave the ministry because of his wife. This can be for varying reasons, some relating to character issues, but many simply relating to God's sovereignty in your lives. She may be a wonderful pastor's wife for a few years, then have a major ailment that changes her personality and brings a great deal of stress to your marriage. She may get injured or crippled, which can inhibit pastoral ministry. And much of this depends upon you, and how you handle the pressures of life, marriage and ministry. It might even turn out that she's been fooling herself and isn't really saved. This is more common than we'd like to admit. Simply put, you cannot be guaranteed that you will get along well with your wife for the next 50 years. Try as you might, remember that God will do what's best for you and your godliness, including a wife that keeps you humble. 
Having said that, do all you can to assure yourself of her commitment to Christ. Be up front and tell her that your first is and, by the grace of God, will always be Christ. Share your dreams with her, and let her know that you don't know where they will take you. You may end up serving in the most difficult of circumstances. In fact, read "On Golden Shores" and grasp how difficult it could be. Make sure that she's willing to follow God by following you. Study the roles of husband and wife together and make sure you both agree what that means. Talk about children. How many? Will you home school? What are her parents like? She will most likely relate to you as she does to her father. And this will give you an idea of her attitude toward God (and authority/headship in general). She will also tend to be a lot like her mother. Even if she doesn't seem like it today, she will likely grow into it. My wife struggles with this to a certain degree, and she never even lived with her mother.
She must own her own vision for God's glory and the centrality of the church in His plan. If she doesn't, then the challenges life brings will cause self-centeredness and she may even blame you when you spend "too much time" doing anything, including ministry. Of course, it's possible to make outside ministry an idol and fail in your ministry to your wife. Balance must be maintained.
Forget about pastors' wives being held to a higher standard. You have no right to hold your wife to a higher standard because you are a pastor. That's bigotry. Pursue her godliness selflessly. Don't put the pressure of ministry on her. Scripture does not tell you that your wife must meet the qualifications of the elder. Your home must be in order, period. And the church is not calling her, they are calling you. Make sure they know that before you accept a call. Though she should serve as any godly woman in the church, she should not be expected to do any more than any other elder's wife. That pressure alone can lead to a type of pharaseeism or be too much for her.
To the best of your ability, discern her godliness. If she's caught up in "things" and external beauty then she will count on these things for her happiness. But if her greatest treasure is the Lord Jesus Christ then her pursuit of Him will render her more beautiful as the years pass, and her joy will be founded on Him, rather than earthly baubles. Like I told my sons, no marriage at all is much preferable than a bad marriage.


Blessings,


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## Sven (Jun 19, 2009)

he beholds said:


> I would think a woman who is discreet, as you may share things with her that shouldn't be shared with the whole church. Definitely not a Mrs. Bennet (_Pride and Prejudice_).



Not another Pride and Prejudice reference!


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## ubermadchen (Jun 19, 2009)

Everyone has already given great responses and I have little to add but really any woman who is truly walking with the Lord-- that strives to love Him with all her strength, heart, soul, and mind will be a lovely candidate for a pastor's wife. As others have said, make sure she knows up front what she's in for. There are several biographies of pastor wives out there (Sarah Edwards are Susanna Spurgeon are the first that come to mind) that provide a wonderful insight into the strength and patience needed to support a man in ministry. I've read them, not because I'm gunning to be a pastor's wife but, because those are character qualifications that are required of any woman of God.


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## CatherineL (Jun 19, 2009)

I take back what I said about being held to a higher standard after reading Wannabee's post. Completely right. I think a better phrasing of it would be that she has a lot more influence for good of bad than your average wife in the congregation. She also gets more grief. She hears a lot and has to keep her mouth shut. She gets indignant over the way someone (or many someones) treat her husband and is tempted to hold grudges or get back at them in some nasty but socially acceptable way. She will be watched to see how she disciplines her kids, how she interacts with them, what kind of education she provides. And on that note, she'll never make *everyone* in the congregation happy - if she homeschools some people will think her children are weird, if she doesn't homeschool some people will think she's lazy or not involved enough or...or...whatever. Of course a church shouldn't be scrutinizing your wife when looking to call you, but I think the OP is looking for qualities in a wife particular to the ministry. I think a desire to serve God through helping her husband and a pretty thick skin would both come in very handy.


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## Pergamum (Jun 20, 2009)

Grymir said:


> You also have to hold out for the right woman. I was looking for a female Rush Limbaugh and got it (that's what I told everybody when I was looking for a wife). She's great. Don't give in to the "whoever smiles at me first approach"



A "female Rush Limbaugh" now THAT is a disturbing graphic image in my head!


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## David'sBeloved (Jun 23, 2009)

I agree with those that said she is your helper not a second employee of the church. I believe you have to have a mindset of protecting her. Many in the church will try to take advantage of her or monopolize her time, energy, and resources. She is first and foremost your wife, then the mother of any children you have. Some in the church may feel that she has "all the time in the world" to do whatever they feel needs doing in the church because she doesn't have a paying job. Value her for her role as your wife and the mother of your children.

Also, remember that some church members can be very mean and seem to want to discredit a truly godly woman. Please make sure your loyalty is to her (and your children) first and the church second.


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## Scott1 (Jun 23, 2009)

> Proverbs 31
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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