# In vivid English



## a mere housewife (Apr 2, 2008)

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.... (According to the forward I received, high school teachers annually enter their favorites in a national contest and vote on which are the funniest.) 

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 

17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 

18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work. 

19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 

20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 

21. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 

22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 

23. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


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## Southern Presbyterian (Apr 3, 2008)

Funny stuff.


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## turmeric (Apr 3, 2008)




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## kvanlaan (Apr 3, 2008)




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## etexas (Apr 3, 2008)

#5 Cracked me up for some reason!


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## Pergamum (Apr 3, 2008)

I love stuff like this....


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## danmpem (Apr 3, 2008)




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## VirginiaHuguenot (Apr 3, 2008)




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## panta dokimazete (Apr 3, 2008)




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## JBaldwin (Apr 3, 2008)

Before I was halfway through the list, I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face like rain in a spring thunderstorm when it pours down real hard and makes a lot of noise on the roof of our mobile home.


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## BobVigneault (Apr 3, 2008)

Those are hilarious, thanks! I must admit I had been avoiding the thread because I thought it was about another stupid modern translation of the Bible. TVEV - The Vivid English Version. I'm glad I finally looked.

As my 4 year old JB would say, "That's so funny it's not even funny."




> 18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.


That is rich!


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## LadyCalvinist (Apr 3, 2008)




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## Backwoods Presbyterian (Apr 3, 2008)

How did they get a hold of my Systematic Theology paper??????


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## Galatians220 (Apr 3, 2008)

(I *LOVE* Nos. 4 & 15!!!)


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## etexas (Apr 3, 2008)

JBaldwin said:


> Before I was halfway through the list, I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face like rain in a spring thunderstorm when it pours down real hard and makes a lot of noise on the roof of our mobile home.


Nice one J!


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## ChristopherPaul (Apr 3, 2008)

These are great. Many of them remind me of Jack Handy quotes.


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## Ravens (Apr 3, 2008)

> 12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.





That was a good read. Thanks, Heidi!


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## Presbyterian Deacon (Apr 3, 2008)

> 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
> 
> 12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.



I laughed as I found these two as amusing as something I might laugh at when I'm amused.


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## Augusta (Apr 3, 2008)

Thanks Heidi, I love laughing that hard. I especially liked numbers 3 & 17.


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