# Dating and Young Christians...



## InChains620 (Apr 26, 2007)

I am 16 years old. I have been a Christian less than a year and have a bunch of questions I need to ask but so little time to ask them. But this question has been on my mind more than any other lately so I thought I would ask it. 

I am young and of course, sometime or another have looked at someone of the oppisite sex. This is an issue I found is often ignored by alot of Christians, but is is something I really need to know about. When a young Christian starts being attraced (physically, not lustfully because that breaks a commandment) to someone of the oppisite sex, how does one go about the dating process?

What should a young Christian do concerning dating? What is permissible? How does a someone date in a Christ-like manner?


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## Civbert (Apr 26, 2007)

First you need to contact the parents and fill out an application. Then the father does a background check.

What? You think I'm kidding? 


I wouldn't be in a hurry to start looking for one-on-one time with someone. Try to get involved in group activities so you can get more comfortable with the person you're attracted to. If you think things could have long term potential, try to meet the parents early on. But at sixteen I think your a long way from long term. So try to do group stuff and not get to focused on one person. That might be difficult, the focus part, but you don't need to be dating anyone at your age (In my humble opinion). 

Also, religious compatibility is going to be more important than physical attraction. If you find yourself in conflict over matters of faith - it won't matter how attractive she is.


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## InChains620 (Apr 26, 2007)

Ha Ha, I agree. In the mean time I will work on my resume' to give some lucky girl's father. And I am not looking for a wife just yet, I was just curious of what to do when the time comes. (lol) Well thanks for the input.


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## InChains620 (Apr 26, 2007)

yah your right, I need to meet with them and ask a few of the more important questions on my long list....... and also I am working on coming up with some on notecards for our youth q&a session whenever that comes up....


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## Barnpreacher (Apr 26, 2007)

You know I think it's tremendous that a 16 year old young man would want to be a part of something like the PuritanBoard. The fact that he's looking to discuss the Bible and have it reflect the way he lives does my heart good!!


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## InChains620 (Apr 26, 2007)

Why thank you, I appreciate the kindness and sincerity of the people I have met on PB. Most everyone tries to answer questions in a bilblical manner, and in a friendly way. PB is a great resource for learning about certain theological issues and questions. I love to read others opinions on the topics presented. And as josh reminded me earlier, I also have the elders of my church to whom I can ask questions. Puritan board is a good addition to my already plentiful resources God has given me to grow in the knowledge of Himself. Praise be to God for all the wonderful influences he has surrounded me with!


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## Me Died Blue (Apr 26, 2007)

I would highly recommend Joshua Harris' book [ame=http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Meets-Girl-Hello-Courtship/dp/1590521676/ref=si3_rdr_bb_product/103-8176477-9249451]_Boy Meets Girl_[/ame]. His first book, _I Kissed Dating Goodbye_, was good as well, but the second book has more to it. In fact, in _Boy Meets Girl_, Harris even summarizes the first book in one sentence: "The main point of _I Kissed Dating Goodbye_ was: If you're not ready for marriage, wait on romance." The principle is more than sufficiently elaborated on and applies throughout _BMG_, yet in the light of a big-picture view of relationships and their nature and purpose.

Don't be fooled by the book's subtitle, "Say Hello to Courtship." It is anything but a typical, "Thou shalt court rather than date; which means you have to do this, and this, and this, and this and this before and during any kind of relationship, and necessarily refrain from doing this, this, this and that at all times." In fact, the second chapter is titled, "Why Dating vs. Courtship Isn't the Point: Getting Past a Debate Over Terms and Back to What Really Matters." As he explains there, the terms are largely meaningless anymore, and even the word "courtship" has no consistent definition other than the set of rules that each respective courtship-advocate believes in. Harris explains that he simply happens to like the term courtship, since "it's old-fashioned, and it evokes romance and chivalry."

But in terms of a discussion, illustration and biblically-wise presentation of getting "back to what really matters," regarding both before and during the time of relationships in one's life, I couldn't recommend _Boy Meets Girl_ too highly.


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## Simply_Nikki (Apr 26, 2007)

Hey Alex,

I'm also a young christian, and have recently reshaped my view of dating and courtship to comply with biblical guidelines. This site really helped to guide me in understanding the biblical guidelines for dealing with relationships with the opposite sex. I hope it helps.

I recommend you start here with a biblical introduction to dating: http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001401.cfm

Here is the regular site:www.boundless.org


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## InChains620 (Apr 26, 2007)

Simply_Nikki said:


> Hey Alex,
> 
> I'm also a young christian, and have recently reshaped my view of dating and courtship to comply with biblical guidelines. This site really helped to guide me in understanding the biblical guidelines for dealing with relationships with the opposite sex. I hope it helps.
> 
> ...


 
Thanks, it looks interesting I will be sure to check it out. I was looking for a site like this.


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## kvanlaan (Apr 27, 2007)

See what you think of this. As a father of 3 girls, I liked it.

http://www.soundclick.com/pro/view/02/default.cfm?bandID=15398&content=song&songID=4893969


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## KMK (Apr 27, 2007)

joshua said:


> Alex-it's called save some stuff to ask the Elders.



Spoken like a man who watches for souls. Alex, be sure to make Joshua's job a joy! (Heb 13:17)


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## VaughanRSmith (Apr 27, 2007)

As a younger married man, I feel qualified to give you a little advice.

1) Dating is really tough. Even with a Christian girl, the pressure that the world will put on you as a couple is pretty terrible, and highly unnecessarry. Since getting married I've realised just what a minefield dating is, and wouldn't recommend it. I hated Josh Harris until I got married, and then worked out just how wise his advice is.

2) If you decide to date, make sure you surround yourself with a good group of Christian friends who will keep you both accountable. A constant pressure like that on purity is invaluable.

3) Don't date. Just get married. [/idealist]


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## salaam alaykoum (Apr 27, 2007)

Civbert said:


> First you need to contact the parents and fill out an application. Then the father does a background check.
> 
> Also, religious compatibility is going to be more important than physical attraction. If you find yourself in conflict over matters of faith - it won't matter how attractive she is.



AMEN!!!


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## Chris (Apr 27, 2007)

InChains620 said:


> And I am not looking for a wife just yet,



Stop dating. By your own admission, you're not ready. 




<--wishes someone would have told him that a decade ago....


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## Anton Bruckner (Apr 27, 2007)

when you can afford to take care of yourself financially then think on the opposite sex and marriage, if you cannot get it out of your head.  

As of now you need to be maturing and training yourself to be a godly man in every facet of your life.

1. Grow in the knowledge and wisdom of God. Yes, Jesus did this and so are we.

2. Your career and means of earning an income must be in development so that you can become a productive member of society and able to contribute financially to the things of God i.e tithes, alms, savings, investments.

3. Then you get a mentor.


As a 16 year old you have the perfect opportunity to model your life after Joseph and David. Don't let it go to waste. Many of us here including myself became Christians in our 20's after we have made a bunch of mistakes. You have an opportunity not to go that way. Don't blow it.

Get into the things of God and let it manifest itself in ever aspect of your life then God will provide you the help meet/ help mate.


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## ajrock2000 (May 5, 2007)

kvanlaan said:


> See what you think of this. As a father of 3 girls, I liked it.
> 
> http://www.soundclick.com/pro/view/02/default.cfm?bandID=15398&content=song&songID=4893969



This one by Paul Washer is on of the best sermons/teaching you can listen to about dating. I am very blessed to have heard it before getting to involved with woman. Much of my before-conversion worldview about girls has drastically changed, this being a huge help.

Another link to it: http://www.grantedministries.org/audio/p_washer_dating_talk.mp3


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## InChains620 (May 5, 2007)

Thanks for the links guys i will check them out.


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## kvanlaan (May 5, 2007)

Alex, let us know what you think after you've listened. It sounds great to me because I have daughters. But how does it play to someone getting into this 'scene' - I have no idea...


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## ~~Susita~~ (May 5, 2007)

I'm enjoying that sermon.


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## SRoper (May 6, 2007)

I just finished listening to the series of lectures by Paul Washer. There was going to be a lot I objected to in the first two, but his clarifications in the third removed most of them.

Now the good is that he has a high view of what it means to honor thy father and mother, and he is quite serious about fleeing youthful lust. Still, he comes across as identifying that which is generally prudent with what God requires. This is most clear when he compares praying about not stumbling while being alone with a girl with praying about stealing a car. The latter is clearly proscribed by the Law, the former is not.

While his clarification that there are hard cases is good, I still think he goes beyond what scripture requires in the area of courtship. It would be interesting to do a survey of all the courtships mentioned in scripture and compare them to his idea of biblical courtship. I'm not sure many of them fit this model of the man going to the father first before approaching the woman. For example, The courtship of Boaz and Ruth breaks just about every rule he made (the woman takes initiative, the man doesn't consult the woman's guardian at all, they are alone together before they are married), but perhaps it is not normative.

I also wonder whether the motivation to avoid emotional hurt is biblical. While no one likes to be hurt, I don't think it is wrong to be in a situation that might lead to hurt. In any case, I don't see how his model of courtship avoids emotional hurt. If one is that concerned about avoiding emotional hurt, one is better off avoiding courtship altogether.

This isn't a huge deal, but I wonder where he got this idea that the concept of adolescence comes from an evolutionary worldview. Anthropology has a huge percentage of atheists, yet I don't see anthropologists embracing this idea at all (and it's a question that is of interest to them). They actually recognize that the behavior is different with different societies. From what I understand, the accepted view is that the phenomenon of an intermediate state of rebellion and emerging independence during adolescence is correlated with whether a society is neolocal or not (neolocality is the expectation that children will not live with or near either their parents or their in-laws). The explanation is that relationships between children and parents are more harmonious in societies where the child is expected to live with or near his parents for the rest of their lives. Only 5% of societies are neolocal, so this is why we don't see such adolescent rebellion in most of the world.


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## InChains620 (May 6, 2007)

*Thanks*

Thanks for all the info. I listen to that one sermon and it was great, but I like the article I read better. This is really helpful stuff, thanks for the insight, keep me in your prayers brethren.


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## kvanlaan (May 7, 2007)

I know it was mentioned earlier, but I've just got to say that, to me, what I've read in this thread almost belongs in the "Praise the Lord" section of the Prayer forum. If I look at the simple fact that Alex and Susita (and I'm sure there are others of you that are not so old as the language of your posts suggest) are spending their time here, on the PB, instead of in some chat room griping about how your parents suck, the world doesn't understand you, and you honestly think that the latest Nickelback album really spoke to you on a personal and spiritual level, I am thrilled and thankful. If I think how I threw away so many years of my life around the same time with truly meaningless/sinful/rebellious pursuits, it makes me truly ashamed (because my parents raised me better than that, I simply chose to disregard their teaching.) 

Anyway, don't mean to get too tangential here but the thrust of my post is that what you guys don't realise is that you're spending this time in your life in a way that few do anymore. You are making productive weeks, months and years that your peers (in age only, mind you) are by comparison truly throwing away on the things of this world.

Thank you. (And thank your parents for me while you're at it - I'm sure they had something to do with it.) My eldest daughter is coming up on her tenth year and I am dreading these next 8 or so years. Seeing posts like this gives me great hope!


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## Herald (May 7, 2007)

My daughter will be allowed to date after she is married.


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## kvanlaan (May 7, 2007)

> My daughter will be allowed to date after she is married.



 

Bill, I'm just about to that point myself...


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## Herald (May 7, 2007)

Kevin - Bethany is 16 and asked me, "Dad, when can I date?" I answered, "After you're married." She gave me a puzzled look and muttered something unintelligible as she walked away. I heard her telling her Mom about the exchange and the next thing I heard was my wife yelling, "Bill! What did you tell our daughter?!"  I love causing trouble.  

While that conversation actually did take place I have spent a considerable amount of time talking to my daughter about boys. I do not allow dating, but this does not mean she cannot have boy "friends." I want her to have honorable relationships with boys her age. She is allowed to have male friends. I encourage it. But her exposure to male friends is in mixed company and with adult supervision. I encourage her friends to come to our house. They are always welcome. While I don't hover over her, I provide a reasonable amount of adult supervision. No closed doors, no whispering and no physical contact. So when will my daughter be ready for a relationship that may lead to marriage? There is no exact answer to that question. My prayer that is that the three of us (Bethany, her mother and I) will understand when she displays the maturity to handle that type of relationship. In addition I am a strong proponent of courting. There is no reason to "play the field."


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## kvanlaan (May 7, 2007)

> While I don't hover over her, I provide a reasonable amount of adult supervision. No closed doors, no whispering and no physical contact.



Yep, I think this is the way to go. And courtship, NOT dating.


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## Storm (May 7, 2007)

*The Word Is "Courtship"*

What?! You're only 16?! I don't think you're supposed to even be dating yet!

I was always taught that Christians only went on "group dates."

Don't you want to ride your bike and climb trees a few more years???


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## ~~Susita~~ (May 11, 2007)

Read what he's saying, folks. He's not dating and furthermore, he realizes he is not ready. All he wants is advice and a better understanding of this _confusing concept_. *giggle*

Anyway. Hang in there, brother. I've been waiting for all my 19 years, and it's super hard, but the thought of my future husband (the ONE God has for ME) is quite motivating. I've written him a letter, not sure if I'll write more, but yeah. You might even write her a letter when you are feeling frustrated. I've found it sometimes helps to put things into perspective. Just think of it like God having the ultimate love story planned out for you - all you have to do is prepare yourself by growing closer to Him and surrendering the calendar to Him. You'll be leading a young lady in marriage some day; prepare yourself well.

Now go outside and play hide and seek or something


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## kvanlaan (May 11, 2007)

Our Joseph (the one on the right in the photo) is 8. He writes his future wife letters about how thankful he is for her and my wife saves them. Very cute on the one hand and very encouraging on the other.


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## ~~Susita~~ (May 11, 2007)

kvanlaan said:


> Our Joseph (the one on the right in the photo) is 8. He writes his future wife letters about how thankful he is for her and my wife saves them. Very cute on the one hand and very encouraging on the other.



That is so awesome! Give him a bear hug for me


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## Covenant Joel (Sep 19, 2007)

Just ran across this thread...

Just to give a couple personal cents from a single guy that's only 4 years older than you, Alex...

Cent #1 -- Getting involved when you're young is just hard. Trust me, I know. No matter how mature you are, relationships before the time when you can seriously do anything with it are hard. I know you don't mean you're necessarily looking or anything right now, but just keep it in mind. I'm not saying necessarily they're always bad, because I've known some relationships that started young and worked out great (with proper parental guidance and supervision of course). But it's not the norm and it's not easy. Mine didn't work out (primarily because her dad was an independent fundamental Baptist, and I'm a Reformed guy). And seriously, my last year of college, when I was unattached, and got to spend so much time with my guy friends was one of the best times of my life. Enjoy those times, because they won't last forever.

Cent #2--You'll save yourself (and just as/more importantly, the girl) a lot of trouble if you are on the same page theologically to start with. I'm not saying they never work out...I'm just saying it can be so hard. 

Ok, enough of me acting like I really know anything about this kind of stuff at this point in my life...


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## Simply_Nikki (Sep 19, 2007)

*Paul Washer on Dating*

Found a series of sermons of Paul Washer on Christian Dating. I thought it was very nice 

HeartCry Missionary Society - Web Links 
Go there and click on the "Dating" Link.


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