# Dread



## alexanderjames (Dec 19, 2021)

This is a long post. But I thought it best to preface this with context.

Three times in the last week I have felt a deep but momentary sense of dread. A sense of eternal wrath, of being cast off and lost forever. A sense of being barred from the blessings of the Almighty now and in the life to come. 

I have been living in a great deal of hypocrisy, foolishness and wallowing in sin at times over the recent weeks. Not always, but grossly. I fear because I have kept returning to the same sins and acted in obstinacy and selfishness, despite having prayed earnestly and resolving otherwise. Further, it has been a long time since I have truly felt joy and love in the Lord… again, not that I have not sought God.

From these moments of dread, I cannot recall ever having a greater fear in my life. I don’t normally fear anything. The first of these times was the worst by far. Each has come when I have been considering some part of Scripture alone. The first being reading John Brown’s commentary on Hebrews 10, you know the passage. The last coming from the parable of the wedding feast in Matthew 22.

Immediately I have sought the Lord, pleading the promises of His salvation purely out of the goodness of His Character of His love and mercy, which endure forever, given to us in Christ. And though I have found a sense of relief in time, I do not sense God’s love. Though I do find assurance of His promises of mercy, I do not sense the peace that passes understanding, or joy in the Holy Spirit. And there is great doubting at times as I seek God for faith and salvation. I do not presume upon His mercy, I am altogether undeserving, but am assured that there must be mercy, even for me, because our God is merciful. There is forgiveness with Him, that He may be feared. These things I do believe.


I intend to speak to the ministers of my church about this. I do not believe these feelings are of God, because He does not give us a spirit of fear. Nevertheless in these times there is a part of me that questions whether this is indeed God speaking condemnation to me, and it’s *almost* as if I the creature am in futility trying to argue with His authoritative sentence upon my soul.

Any words of counsel I will hear. Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## Smeagol (Dec 19, 2021)

Your not alone. Your sense of lacking is a good sign regarding your faith. Yes speak to your elders. Study God’s attributes and promises. Hold fast and continue to persevere. Do NOT give up nor loose hope. I have felt myself to be in a long season (almost a year now) of spiritual drought. For my case, I have not really had any gross outward moral failures beyond times of just being lazy towards the ordinary means of grace the Lord has asked me to utilize. This season has been filled with a “going through the motions” attitude regarding my private worship, family worship, and public worship.

Hang in there! #1 get your spiritual overseers involved asap!

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## Ed Walsh (Dec 19, 2021)

alexanderjames said:


> I intend to speak to the ministers of my church about this. I do not believe these feelings are of God, because He does not give us a spirit of fear. Nevertheless in these times there is a part of me that questions whether this is indeed God speaking condemnation to me, and it’s *almost* as if I the creature am in futility trying to argue with His authoritative sentence upon my soul.
> 
> Any words of counsel I will hear. Thank you for taking the time to read this.



Hi Alex,

I don't have the time right now to do justice to your concern--but I smell a rat.

Your sin may have opened the door, but it is not God's voice you are hearing. What you describe sounds to me like a roaring lion, but in disguise, seeking who he may devour. God just plain doesn't speak this way to anyone who shows the slightest interest or hope in the work of His glorious Son. For, "A bruised reed shall he not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench: he shall bring forth judgment unto truth. He shall not fail nor be discouraged, till he have set judgment in the earth: and the isles shall wait for his law." (Isaiah 42:3-4) There is good hope for any person who shows the least faith in Christ, our only hope.

Consider who Jesus gave a hard time to. It was the blind and hypocritical Pharisees He condemned. Are you a hypocrite? If so, you are a strange one indeed. The men Jesus rebuked were not fearful in the least of Jesus' pronouncements of doom. They just hated Him all the more and eventually killed the Lord of Glory. Self-condemnation and confession of sin are more evidence of saving faith than its opposite--even when sent as a fatherly discipline.

I'll try to take some time later today to reread your post and perhaps write again. You should always feel free to write to me personally if you think I might be on the right track.

Ed

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## Ed Walsh (Dec 19, 2021)

Smeagol said:


> This season has been filled with a “going through the motions” regarding my private worship, family worship, and public worship.



For what it's worth, I have stopped altogether "going through the motions." When I am unhelped by the Spirit, I quit praying except for self-examination and prayer for the Spirit's help. Since we do not know how to pray without the Spirit, I consider my words as dead and not accepted by God. I have discussed this at more length elsewhere on the PB.

I read the following verse this morning and was helped way beyond any efforts I was able to put forth.

Luke 11:13​If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children:​how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?​

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## Smeagol (Dec 19, 2021)

Ed Walsh said:


> For what it's worth, I have stopped altogether "going through the motions." When I am unhelped by the Spirit, I quit praying except for self-examination and prayer for the Spirit's help. Since we do not know how to pray without the Spirit, I consider my words as dead and not accepted by God. I have discussed this at more length elsewhere on the PB.
> 
> I read the following verse this morning and was helped way beyond any efforts I was able to put forth.
> 
> Luke 11:13​If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children:​how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?​


Thanks for sharing Ed. Most of the older dead guys I have read give the advise of persevering in the regular means of grace even when it doesn’t “feel” right.

And finally, Brakel offers some instructions for perseverance during times of spiritual drought, pg. 197 (TCRS Vol. 4):



> (2) You are thus to start from the beginning. Neither reach out for lofty matters, nor exert your intellect and mental faculties; rather, stay with the Word. Read it, and in reliance upon that Word, flee to the Lord Jesus as Surety and receive Him. Do not strain yourself to get a view of Him, however, for that would be counterproductive. Rather, do so humbly and, so to speak, with closed eyes. Rely upon Him because the Word enjoins you to do so, promising that those who put their trust in Him will not be ashamed. Likewise humbly pray and hear the Word, refrain from that which is forbidden, and perform that which is commanded. I assure you that if you thus begin to engage yourself, the Lord will gradually restore you—even though unbelieving thoughts may initially assault you vehemently, and even though you may for some time engage yourself without finding delight and sweetness in doing so.





> (3) Keep your condition concealed from others, be it that they are unconverted, beginners in grace, or weak Christians—and especially from those of whom you notice that they are also under assault. Rather than being of mutual help to each other, you would cast each other down. Instead, go to an experienced minister or another godly person who is strong in faith and reveal your condition to him. Do not contradict him, however, but listen attentively to what he has to say to you and consider quietly whether it pleases the Lord to apply these words to your heart. If not, then upon your return, use the means by renewal which the Lord has instituted in His Word, doing so quietly and without much ado. Neither by might, nor by power, but by the Spirit of the Lord you will be restored.


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## A.Joseph (Dec 19, 2021)

alexanderjames said:


> This is a long post. But I thought it best to preface this with context.
> 
> Three times in the last week I have felt a deep but momentary sense of dread. A sense of eternal wrath, of being cast off and lost forever. A sense of being barred from the blessings of the Almighty now and in the life to come.
> 
> ...


I’m a living, breathing epitome of hypocrisy. 

I relate!


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## Zach (Dec 19, 2021)

I'm so sorry, dear brother. I've prayed that the Lord may comfort you. I'm also sharing two portions of 1 John that have always been a great source of comfort to me.

By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. (1 John 3:19–23 ESV)

Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:15–19 ESV)

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## Taylor (Dec 19, 2021)

Brother,

I empathize with you; I have many of these same feelings from time to time. The only advice I will give here is to listen to the following sermon. I just listened to it again this afternoon and found it to be a balm to my soul. It is the sermon "That One Sin" by Martyn Lloyd-Jones. It is from his sermon series called "Spiritual Depression," which was eventually made into a book that has now rightly become a classic. I think it will help you.

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## Ed Walsh (Dec 19, 2021)

A.Joseph said:


> I just recently cursed off my in-laws after years of silence. No self control or grace on my part. I deserve eternal hell and damnation. I’ve been foul mouthed, impulsive, short-tempered, and even nasty (at times) to brothers and sisters on this board. I’m a living, breathing epitome of hypocrisy. Nothing less than a vessel of wrath fitted for destruction….



Is that all? You should see my heart. And we don't know the half of it. The neat thing is, that God _does_ know what is in man and loves us passionately. Always has--always will.

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## JimmyH (Dec 19, 2021)

In spite of feeling inadequate to offer my feelings ... my first thoughts after reading the original post were of how Peter must have felt, having denied the Lord three times when the cock crowed the second time. How Paul felt on the road to Damascus, having thought he was doing God's will in persecuting the church, breathing out threatening and slaughter, he was confronted with the risen Lord. I've heard it said that Paul thought himself the 'least of the Apostles' because of his history as Saul of Tarsus. That God selected him to illustrate to Christian believer's who came after that no matter what their sins, they weren't worse than Paul's.

Thank the Lord for the Holy Scriptures,.

Romans 5:1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

Romans 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (ESV)

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

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## Ryan&Amber2013 (Dec 19, 2021)

I agree with everyone above. I would also consider if there is any truth to your feeling the way you do. Only you and God know your secret life that happens away from others. I truly desire holiness, but if there is legitimate sin in my life, I feel awful, sick, and fearful. This leads me away from sin in the same way the brain registers fear in certain situations, which leads us to find safety. Also, sin has a relational impact between people. Depending on the sin you deal with, someone is being affected by it negatively. Hurting others isn't something to mess around with. It should crush us even knowing we've hurt another life. I only point this out to encourage true and lasting faith and repentance from sin. I don't know your situation at all, but may you find true consolation and love in God, while at the same time hating all sin. Blessings!

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## alexanderjames (Dec 21, 2021)

Thank all very much for your support, thoughts and prayers. I am enjoying more assurance and health in my soul by God’s grace, and seeking to walk with Him every hour.

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## alexanderjames (Dec 21, 2021)

Further does this not give more evidence of the reality over the spiritual war over life and death that we each face, the breathings of Satan, and the life to come??

Do not underestimate these things nor the power afforded by the prayers of the saints.

The Lord our God is faithful. He cannot deny Himself. His covenant in Christ is immovable.



Psalm 89
“19 Then You spoke in a vision to Your holy one, And said: "I have given help to one who is mighty; I have exalted one chosen from the people. 20 I have found My servant David; With My holy oil I have anointed him, 21 With whom My hand shall be established; Also My arm shall strengthen him. 22 The enemy shall not outwit him, Nor the son of wickedness afflict him. 23 I will beat down his foes before his face, And plague those who hate him. 24 "But My faithfulness and My mercy shall be with him, And in My name his horn shall be exalted. 25 Also I will set his hand over the sea, And his right hand over the rivers. 26 He shall cry to Me, 'You are my Father, My God, and the rock of my salvation.' 27 Also I will make him My firstborn, The highest of the kings of the earth. 28 My mercy I will keep for him forever, And My covenant shall stand firm with him. 29 His seed also I will make to endure forever, And his throne as the days of heaven. 30 "If his sons forsake My law And do not walk in My judgments, 31 If they break My statutes And do not keep My commandments, 32 Then I will punish their transgression with the rod, And their iniquity with stripes. 33 Nevertheless My lovingkindness I will not utterly take from him, Nor allow My faithfulness to fail. 34 My covenant I will not break, Nor alter the word that has gone out of My lips. 35 Once I have sworn by My holiness; I will not lie to David: 36 His seed shall endure forever, And his throne as the sun before Me; 37 It shall be established forever like the moon, Even like the faithful witness in the sky." Selah”

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## alexanderjames (Jan 3, 2022)

Update:

Yesterday’s Lord’s day I did experience more fears of a similar nature in prayer, like a cold sweat of perplexing doubting. But, thanks be to God, I do more firmly believe these are of the devil, and they do not hold the sway over my conscience they did before. By the Lord’s grace I am surely kept and able to hold fast to Christ. 

Thomas Watson says,

“Temptations are called darts for their swiftness, they are shot swiftly, and fiery for their terribleness. They are shot like flashes of fire into the soul which amaze and frighten, and does this not retard the work of salvation and make it difficult.” 

(From a sermon on Philippians 2:12, “The One Thing Necessary” - ‘The Puritans on Conversion’ S.D.G.)


William Gurnall’s words have also been resonating with me about the accusations of Satan. His directions encouraging. As an example from ‘The Christian in Complete Armour’,

“if he haunts thee with the fears of thy spiritual estate, ply thee to the throne of grace, and beg a new copy of thy old evidence, which thou has lost. The original is in the pardon office in heaven, whereof Christ is master, [and] if thou beest a saint, thy name is upon record in that court. Make thy moan to God, hear what news from heaven, rather than listen to the tales which are brought by thine enemy from hell. Did such reason less with Satan, and pray over their fears more to God, they might sooner be resolved. Can you expect truth from a liar, and comfort from an enemy?”


The fact that these experiences are occurring when I am in prayer or considering the word of God, leads me to believe Satan aims to keep me off from holy duties or else drive me to despair in doing them. And I admit to my shame he has kept me off them to a significant extent recently. But the fact that my hope in our God is growing spurs me on to fight the good fight of faith.


Thank you so much for your prayers.

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## Miss Marple (Jan 3, 2022)

Much of what has been posted in this thread reminds me of the diary entries of David Brainerd. "The Life of David Brainerd" by Jonathan Edwards may help you to grasp that you are not alone.


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## Taylor (Jan 3, 2022)

Miss Marple said:


> Much of what has been posted in this thread reminds me of the diary entries of David Brainerd. "The Life of David Brainerd" by Jonathan Edwards may help you to grasp that you are not alone.


Personally, I found _The Life of David Brainerd_ to be one of the most depressing and least helpful books I have ever read. I find no solace in reading about a man who so severely lacked assurance—even in spite of apparently great godliness and tremendous work for the Lord on the mission field—that it virtually killed him.

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## Jerusalem Blade (Jan 3, 2022)

Alex @alexanderjames , I note that when you first (in the OP) wrote of your trials, you said, "And though I have found *a sense* of relief in time, I do not *sense* God’s love. Though I do find assurance of His promises of mercy, I do not *sense* the peace that passes understanding, or joy in the Holy Spirit." [Emphases added]

This sensing or not sensing – depending on how you are using that word – may be the culprit in your feelings of dread. We often want *a felt experience*, felt in the emotional part of our faculties. This is indeed an aspect of the spiritual war, for the demonic foes may, at some time in our past, have given us a counterfeit of love, peace, and joy which we accepted as divine, and thus gave ground for a minor infiltration of our souls. 

The trouble is, when ground is so given, the content of feeling may change, from joy into dread, and there seems no escape from it, no matter what we do Godward, in prayer. This accepting of counterfeits may also come in the area of guidance, sensing an approval of the Lord's Spirit in some action or endeavor, which may turn into a condemning *dis*approval we cannot shake.

Going back to the OP, there is a difference *in kind* between a *felt sense* of God's presence and the simple, pure *awareness* of such, apart from any feeling sensation. Awareness, as in a profound inner *knowing* based upon God's word – what He has said is real.

I've written of this in a paper, from which I'll give this excerpt:

*God’s Presence Our Portion*

I would like to demonstrate that our portion – that which is freely given us by God – is nothing less than His presence with us in our lives, day in and day out, during our sojourn here on the earth in this life. In the life to come, this will be so much more the case, in that we will see with our very eyes, and experience with all our being, the glory and rapture of His immediate presence, in a fulness we do _not_ know in this life. In _this_ life we know God’s presence by faith, that is, by believing in the truth – the reality – of His words. Alexander Nisbet, who wrote a commentary on 1st & 2nd Peter, said, “it [is] the nature of true faith to make the thing it closes with spiritually present to the soul.” In other words, faith experiences – in the soul of that person – the reality of what God has said, and the reality of God Himself.

Here, in our 21st century, we may walk with Him and be assured of His presence with us, so that He is our strength and our joy in the present moment, whatever life brings. Please note, this is not to say that we have a _sensory_ experience of His presence, a necessarily _felt_ experience of it, as in a _sensation_. Yet His presence is nonetheless a genuine experience. It is a truism that our walk – our relationship – with God is _experiential_, meaning _it is real to us!_

I suppose a lot depends on how one understands the term “experiential” with regard to the Christian’s life with God. Of course we will not have a “flat” affect – that is, no inward experience in and of it – and then again we will not be guided by sensations as a marker of the Christian life. Yet one may say, “A _sense_ of God’s presence on the heart” – for the heart may sense apart from the physical or emotional senses. I hope this will be made clear as we continue.

I am fond of saying that – with regard to our faith – we have a profound assurance in the depths of our being that God’s words are the reality of our lives. Whatever we may feel, His words are true, and _they_ are what is real. So when the Scripture quotes the Lord as saying, “I am with you always, even unto the end of the world” and “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 13:5), does this necessarily mean we have a “felt presence” of the Lord? No, although _upon occasion_ we _may_ be very aware of the glory of His Person, as He draws near to us. I remember R.C. Sproul, in one of his video series, talking about this unusual manifestation of the Lord’s presence, and that it does not happen often, rather, quite rarely, in his case.

But I am _not_ talking of this sort of “visitation” Sproul speaks of when I say “a profound assurance in the depths of our being”. There are feelings in the heart – whether you call it one’s spirit, or one’s depths – that are not of the emotions. Perhaps one could call it an essential *knowing*. _From His word_, I *know* that the Lord is with me (Matt 28:20; Ps 23:4; Heb 13:5; Deut 31:8) and is kindly disposed toward me (Rom 8:35-39; Jer 31:3; Prov 15:8). Now this *knowing* is not a mere cerebral assent or activity, but a dynamic force in my heart, such that it causes me to rejoice and sing, or to venture into danger with calm courage; this *knowing* (perhaps you can come up with another word) is the apprehending of God’s reality (via His word) by and in my heart, and His word is full of power and glory – and many promises – and His word moves my heart, deeper than emotions, although it may give rise to emotions.

So when I talk of “profound assurance in the depths” it is of such I am referring to. This, to me, is an experiential walk with God. I am experiencing His presence, not sensations of it, but a profound knowing of it, such that by it I could face death, fear having been overcome by His presence – His presence *known* but not necessarily “felt” as in sensations. It is important we become familiar with this idea of inner awareness that is deeper than emotional feelings. As I mentioned above, this awareness may well give rise to emotions, but it is not the emotions. One’s emotions may feel fear (from some threat), yet one’s awareness – one’s deep inner knowing – that God is with one _right now_, replaces the fear with confidence, trust, and joy. Such as David felt when he said, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).

This sort of communion with God is not the portion of “seasoned saints” only, but of _all_ His children, even newly born-again ones. All that is needed is simple trust in His words, His promises. This is precisely what Peter meant when he said, “Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature” (1 Peter 1:4), partakers of the heart of God in Christ.​
The full paper:


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## Miss Marple (Jan 4, 2022)

Taylor said:


> Personally, I found _The Life of David Brainerd_ to be one of the most depressing and least helpful books I have ever read. I find no solace in reading about a man who so severely lacked assurance—even in spite of apparently great godliness and tremendous work for the Lord on the mission field—that it virtually killed him.


I don't personally relate to the agonies of Brainerd. I just thought the poster might. I find Brainerd's extreme emotions exhausting! I am happy when I think of him in heaven with the Lord, all agony at bay.


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## Stephen L Smith (Jan 4, 2022)

Miss Marple said:


> Much of what has been posted in this thread reminds me of the diary entries of David Brainerd. "The Life of David Brainerd" by Jonathan Edwards may help you to grasp that you are not alone.





Taylor said:


> Personally, I found _The Life of David Brainerd_ to be one of the most depressing and least helpful books I have ever read. I find no solace in reading about a man who so severely lacked assurance—even in spite of apparently great godliness and tremendous work for the Lord on the mission field—that it virtually killed him.


Yes it is a depressing book in a number of ways, but I thought it was helpful in that Brainerd soldiered on in service for the Lord in spite of crippling health challenges. He did inspire future mission works. If you get the Banner of Truth Ed on Brainerd's works, it includes an essay by Jonathan Edwards on Brainerd's spirituality. It is a magnificent essay.


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