# I struggle so much



## INsearch (Jan 21, 2010)

you know, last night after replying to the "to serious" thread I realized that I feel drained of joy. This wasn't a good feeling, I miss my joy though I'm suppose to be able to have my Joy in the Lord and his Word, but it put me in a stooper, and not to touch on a sensative subject but that man Jaybird..his "obituary" on the home page..I read it some times, I don't know why but when they said he was home with the Lord (praise God btw) I just get this shooting in my stomach..I try to fathom an afterlife..I try to think of it but I end up feeling drained and empty..almost like I'm treating it as wishful thinking..then I realized that I honestly FEEL like everything I'm doing...is kinda a empty wisfhul thinking..reading the word puts my mind to ease..but the second I stop..its like I'm suddenly snapped out of this "dream sequence" where everything is going fine and dandy. Last night I tried to read the Word and snap my self out of those awful feelings but it just wouldn't work..so I decided to just try to shut it out and sleep..hoping I would wake up better..refreshed..I woke up with the same thoughts in my head..still plaguing me..making me miserable inside..I screwed up BAD today..I mean...I was the most ungodly person today..now I find myself just sitting here...the days over and i'm regretting with every fiber in my body what I did...sitting here not even understanding how God could forgive me for such easily moved..easily stirred faith! (sometimes I doubt I even have that!!) I feel like I'm blown around in every direction..my emotions constantly feed my decisions..I try to shut them out, I prayed that God will help guard me against them..but I fell regardless  caught between feeling like I was just doing the motions, and feeling depressed over a seemingly loss of joy, a wishfullness to not have to change on my friends..because I become so serious..my conversations become limitted (not an excuse) ..I'm desparing right no...I need..advice..edification..something! I wish so much to follow the Lord! but every worldy Doctrine, problem, and emotion seems to be able to sweep me off my feet so easily  help  please help


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## au5t1n (Jan 21, 2010)

I've had those feelings too. Of the various things I've tried, singing has been the most helpful to me in these times when thoughts like yours fill my head and heart. Lately I have been learning psalms on YouTube, and I have found those especially helpful to sing to God when I am feeling like this. PM me if you want me to send you my psalms playlist for youtube.

And  for you as well.


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## py3ak (Jan 21, 2010)

Joshua, I'm sorry to hear of your continuing struggles. Of course, struggle is normal. We have relentless enemies without, and an opportunistic traitor within, so conflict is going to be continuous.

For the moment, I would make just a couple of suggestions.
1. Don't analyze or attribute much importance to your feelings. Feelings change and waver on many different triggers, from environmental factors that have incidentally been linked to some memory to physiological changes. But giving them too much importance is almost always a surefire way to enter into doubt and depression, because your emotional state is no kind of foundation to build on. Hoping for sudden changes in the variability of your emotional condition is also a good way to bring yourself to despair. Be seeking to know the truth and to practice what you know, rather than trying to work up certain specific emotions.
2. Don't worry about an inability to imaginatively apprehend the realities of the word. That will come with time, with experience, with reading things like _Pilgrim's Progress_.
3. A keen realization of the reality and pervasiveness and heinousness of your sin is good; but every sin is answered by the blood of Christ. Ask yourself if the particular sin you committed today is more powerful or more significant than the sacrifice of Christ.
4. Continue to do the right things, regardless of how you feel. Read your Bible, pray, expose yourself to the best teaching you can, be constant in the means of grace. Don't worry about your feelings not lining up. The less you worry about your emotions, the less power they will have. 
5. Be patient. All these things take time: God has wisely ordered it so, that it might be clear that the work He is doing in us is difficult, and is not due to us.

I will pray for you tonight.


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## D. Paul (Jan 21, 2010)

It may or may not be helpful, but for starters, know you are not alone. The worst part of my day is reading my 1599 Geneva Bible and the notes. Unlike any other I've read, they expose me! Yet the best part of my day is reading my 1599 Geneva Bible and the notes because they expose me...yet give me all hope by the clarity of their sound minds. I don't tell you this so that you purchase that Bible, but because the depths of despair you describe are so familiar to so many Godly men and women. 

I will offer you this, even though I'm not certain it applies directly but it WILL stir you, my friend, and will also give wonderful and needful perspective. You need perspective.
http://ia301505.us.archive.org/3/items/MenOfWhomTheWorldWasNotWorthy/05_cowper.mp3
Let me know if it was helpful. Listen carefully.


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## INsearch (Jan 21, 2010)

Firstly let me say guys..thank you! you don't know how much the edification of others helps me! I just need to ignore my feelings..you know..I've always based my faith..and how strong it is on my emotions? If I feel doubtful and feel empty like I wanna give up..then that just translates for me "no faith" but I wouldn't be in such a battle if there was no faith in the first place.



D. Paul said:


> It may or may not be helpful, but for starters, know you are not alone. The worst part of my day is reading my 1599 Geneva Bible and the notes. Unlike any other I've read, they expose me! Yet the best part of my day is reading my 1599 Geneva Bible and the notes because they expose me...yet give me all hope by the clarity of their sound minds. I don't tell you this so that you purchase that Bible, but because the depths of despair you describe are so familiar to so many Godly men and women.
> 
> I will offer you this, even though I'm not certain it applies directly but it WILL stir you, my friend, and will also give wonderful and needful perspective. You need perspective.
> http://ia301505.us.archive.org/3/items/MenOfWhomTheWorldWasNotWorthy/05_cowper.mp3
> Let me know if it was helpful. Listen carefully.


 Sorry, but I have dial up, I can't listen to your MP3 BUT just as coincidence might happen, my mother is ordering for me tomorrow the Geneva Bible 1599 for a birthday present


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## AThornquist (Jan 21, 2010)

I'm having trouble remembering, Joshua--are you connected to a solid church?


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## INsearch (Jan 21, 2010)

Define solid? I go to a Church which is currently without a pastor (as he left) its not a reformed Church. We have a Pastor (evangelist..old guy..very nice, very Christ centered) currently "subbing" for our old pastor atm.


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## AThornquist (Jan 21, 2010)

I'll cut to the chase and ask, have you approached this older man or another older, much wiser man for insights, prayer, or other help? Is any older, much wiser man holding you accountable? Is an older, much wiser man monitoring what you look at on the internet via Covenant Eyes or another program?


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## INsearch (Jan 21, 2010)

No such thing is going on. He once aproached me and said he would like to meet with me to "chat" and get to know me better..but we never did. Personally in regards to the computer I'm not sure that is needed..I basically spend my time on forums..either this one (though very little time atm) christianforums.com or a Christian metal forum called Firestream..other than that I am using facebook or wikipedia.


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## AThornquist (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, okay. I really encourage you to be held accountable by an older, wiser man. I am held accountable by one of my best friends, who is a godly man who is 30, married, and a father of two beautiful little girls. Find _someone_ for the task. If there is absolutely no one at the church capable or willing to do that, there are some other issues afoot.


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## Andres (Jan 22, 2010)

Joshua, like Andrew above, I'll cut to the chase too. If these questions are too personal, then my apologies in advance, and I hope you will just ignore them if you are uncomfortable. 
How old are you? What is your schedule like? Are you working full-time? Are you in school? I ask because it sounds like you may have too much idle time on your hands and I speak from experience when I say that idle time is the devil's playground. Brother, the internet can certainly be a valuable tool and I generally encourage people to use it for edificiation purposes, but have you considered _limiting_ your time online? Also when I have too much idle time and am not focused on a goal-oriented task, my mind is much more prone to wander, and unfortunately it usually seems to wander where I would not prefer it. If you are staying busy and working as unto the Lord, whether it be chores, job, or school then there is a lot less room for the enemy to work his lies into your mind. Again, I apologize if I am way off in your case, but this has been my experience so I hope it helps. I will continue to remember you in prayer brother.


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## Nebrexan (Jan 22, 2010)

Joshua, I can identify. This article helped me:

Our Blessed Struggle by Guy Richard | Reformed Theology Articles at Ligonier.org



> I find it interesting that, of all the names God could have chosen for His people, He chose “Israel.” And while different opinions exist as to what the name Israel actually means, it seems that the context in which the name is given in Genesis 32 favors the meaning “he struggles with God” over every other option (see verses 22–32 and Hos. 12:3–4). It would seem that God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to call His people “strugglers.”


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## JBaldwin (Jan 22, 2010)

> I just need to ignore my feelings..you know..I've always based my faith..and how strong it is on my emotions? If I feel doubtful and feel empty like I wanna give up..then that just translates for me "no faith" but I wouldn't be in such a battle if there was no faith in the first place.



Not to contradict the wise counsel that has already been given. Being in the Word and praying is always wise counsel, but I beg to differ on the approach of ignoring your feelings. I've worked through the same types of struggles, and it wasn't until I faced my emotions head on and gave them to God, that I was able to deal with them. To explain further, everything you have shared with us, you need to share with God directly. So often we feel guilty because we are not joyful, and we put all negative emotions such as sadness and grief in the category of sin (and some or all of it might be based on sin, but only you and God know that). There is a godly sorrow for sin which leads to repentance, and to ignore those emotions can be a way of stopping real repentance. 

The best way to deal with these emotions is to not hide them from God. If you are feeling depressed, tell God "I feel depressed." If you are feeling as though heaven is a dream world, tell God, "I feel as though heaven is a dream world." God does not reject us because we sin, nor does He expect us to be stoics. We are His children. He wants to know how we feel. He already forgave us, so why not be honest with Him and ourselves about the situation and our need? He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows so that we can have joy. So give Him your feelings and ask Him to sort it out. Tell Him you can't. In fact you could never do it without Him. 

There is a book entitled "Feelings buried alive never die" While I can't agree with the theological approach of that book, the author is right about one thing. Lying to God about how we feel is nothing more than hiding our sin. He who covers his sin will not prosper. 

I know I have been a bit harsh, but honestly, dumping it all on God and allowing Him to heal my heart was the best thing I ever did, (and it is something I must do every day), and it brought back the joy of my salvation. Giving our emotions to God and asking Him to give us the emotions and thoughts He wants us to have is the same as asking God to give us the mind of Christ. It is opening our heart to Him. It is giving all that we have back to Him. And that is what He wants from us.


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## py3ak (Jan 22, 2010)

INsearch said:


> Firstly let me say guys..thank you! you don't know how much the edification of others helps me! I just need to ignore my feelings..you know..I've always based my faith..and how strong it is on my emotions? If I feel doubtful and feel empty like I wanna give up..then that just translates for me "no faith" but I wouldn't be in such a battle if there was no faith in the first place.


 
You are absolutely right that your faith is not the same as your feelings. Looking to your feelings as an index of your faith is attempting to walk by sight (your sensations) rather than by faith. Faith looks to Christ, and trusts Him, whether the feelings line up or not.

I agree with Joy that you should go to God with honesty in regard to your emotions, but you still need to treat them as practically irrelevant: truth is truth, therefore to be believed, and godliness is godliness, therefore to be practised, no matter what you feel about it. Asking God to set your heart straight so that you consistently love the good and hate the evil is necessary; but giving your emotions too much significance is a great way to be miserable.


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## INsearch (Jan 22, 2010)

Andres said:


> Joshua, like Andrew above, I'll cut to the chase too. If these questions are too personal, then my apologies in advance, and I hope you will just ignore them if you are uncomfortable.
> How old are you? What is your schedule like? Are you working full-time? Are you in school? I ask because it sounds like you may have too much idle time on your hands and I speak from experience when I say that idle time is the devil's playground. Brother, the internet can certainly be a valuable tool and I generally encourage people to use it for edificiation purposes, but have you considered _limiting_ your time online? Also when I have too much idle time and am not focused on a goal-oriented task, my mind is much more prone to wander, and unfortunately it usually seems to wander where I would not prefer it. If you are staying busy and working as unto the Lord, whether it be chores, job, or school then there is a lot less room for the enemy to work his lies into your mind. Again, I apologize if I am way off in your case, but this has been my experience so I hope it helps. I will continue to remember you in prayer brother.


 
I go to school every day except for saturdays and sundays, and I also hold down a part time job, I am 19 years old.


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