# Limping.



## Krak3n (Apr 5, 2013)

I have come to a point in life where all of my joy is gone. For 4 months straight I have been filled with anger towards people. And not just specific people, people in general as well. I know this is not healthy, and further, it is sin. I know what Jesus says about hate. (I am not disagreeing with Jesus, but I need a tutorial on following that command... seems there is no on/off switch.)

I don't know what to do. I know there was once a much simpler time in my life when I read my Bible and kept my thoughts on God, but that was so long ago... years. I feel like so much has changed in my life that I cannot have that kind of time ever again. That said, I've not tried. I started this race at a run, but plan to finish with a limp? This can't be right.

I would love to be specific, but Google has made anything stated online a treacherous thing. I would love to write pages more.

Is it possible that I have spiritually starved the new-man so much that I am feeling the pangs through depression?


----------



## Goodcheer68 (Apr 6, 2013)

Joshua,

Praying for you! I would encourage you to read God's promises, especially Philippians 1:6 "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." I would also strongly suggest that you seek Godly council with your elders.


----------



## thbslawson (Apr 6, 2013)

Joshua,

Brother, the words you have typed above are veyr much like the words that I uttered myself once almost 14 years ago. You're in a serious state. But DO NOT despair. 

My little response here cannot fix you. Only the Lord can provide healing. By all means seek older, wiser and Godly counsel. When I cried out to God when I was in a similar state, he sent me two older Christian men who mentored me during that time. This will be my prayer for you. 

As soon as you can either get on the phone with or knock on the door of someone older, wiser and Godly, who you can trust, and in whom you can confide. I would not hesitate with this any longer. Idealy this will be one of the elders at your church. 

I don't want to presume, but I'm guessing there might be some hidden and unconfessed sin that sounds like it's eating away at you. Remember:

_"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."_ - James 5:16

I'll be praying for you.


----------



## Krak3n (Apr 6, 2013)

My thanks goes to both of you, I do not take your advice lightly. 

My wife has told me the same thing, seek godly counsel. Up to this point I have not been able to bring myself to accept that. I suppose that it the nature of feeling this way. Now becomes the task of trusting someone outside myself and knowing who to go to.

Thank you both again for taking my request seriously with so little information.


----------



## Rich Koster (Apr 6, 2013)

I am also a plodder. Two years ago I served as my dad's hospice nurse. This gave me a serious attitude adjustment. It also helped me to focus on what is important, and what is not. When we look at people through a tinted lens, we don't see them properly. Remember, at the Lord's table, we are all there by invitation only, not by any of our so called merits.


----------



## A5pointer (Apr 6, 2013)

Wow brother. I will be praying too. I have experience with feeling low but not anger. I would just like to encourage you. You will be fine. I would caution you in directly correlating your struggle to "spiritual condition". This while spurring you back to lost disciplines may also lead to a guilt and uncertainty that feeds the fire. All of us seem to inherently be pulled by various sinful struggles each to his own. However we must fight back. I am confident you will prevail. Wise advice above. You need someone to talk to. Specifically try to find not only a wise person to speak to but if possible someone who has had similar struggle. This is important from my experience. Some people who have not struggled with mental/emotional issues cannot relate to your experience. With no harm intended they will quickly dismiss it or attribute it to another sin or spiritual falling away(whatever that is). Hang in there brother. Not to be cliche but simply remind yourself of what God has done for you of all people.


----------



## A5pointer (Apr 6, 2013)

PS You are right to think cautiously about posting on line. I would refrain from long personal anecdotes at this time. You are likely in a vulnerable state right now that will lead to you sharing things you may look back on and wish you had not. I have done that in other contexts. When you are feeling and doing better you will have a different perspective on things. If you cannot talk to someone soon feel free to ask for someone here to allow you to converse privately. There is no shortage of wise men tuning into this board, men that would be glad to come along side. God Bless


----------



## Edward (Apr 6, 2013)

While I agree with those who advise seeking spiritual counsel, a medical exam, if you haven't had one recently, might also be in order. While the mental attitude can impact physical health, sometimes a physical condition can impact the mental.


----------



## A5pointer (Apr 6, 2013)

Edward said:


> While I agree with those who advise seeking spiritual counsel, a medical exam, if you haven't had one recently, might also be in order. While the mental attitude can impact physical health, sometimes a physical condition can impact the mental.



Great advice


----------



## Krak3n (Apr 6, 2013)

Rich Koster said:


> I am also a plodder. Two years ago I served as my dad's hospice nurse. This gave me a serious attitude adjustment. It also helped me to focus on what is important, and what is not. When we look at people through a tinted lens, we don't see them properly. Remember, at the Lord's table, we are all there by invitation only, not by any of our so called merits.



Thank you. I know this kind of mental adjustment is needed. That is something that has been brought to my attention as well by a close relative of mine. If I am understanding you correctly, that I need to focus on what is truly important and to have a clear view of people and my own position. Please understand, and I think you do having to go through that with your father, that I do not disagree. I am sure, that if someone had asked the same of you prior to that event you would have agreed as well... but the trouble comes in finding the footing and focus to change - apart from going through such an ordeal.

It may be that this is a type of trial that James wrote about, however, I do not feel that I have the mettle to reach it's conclusion. Going it alone just isn't working for me. And tomorrow I will speak with an elder at church per the advice given above by so many other brothers.



A5pointer said:


> Wow brother. I will be praying too. I have experience with feeling low but not anger. I would just like to encourage you. You will be fine. I would caution you in directly correlating your struggle to "spiritual condition". This while spurring you back to lost disciplines may also lead to a guilt and uncertainty that feeds the fire. All of us seem to inherently be pulled by various sinful struggles each to his own. However we must fight back. I am confident you will prevail. Wise advice above. You need someone to talk to. Specifically try to find not only a wise person to speak to but if possible someone who has had similar struggle. This is important from my experience. Some people who have not struggled with mental/emotional issues cannot relate to your experience. With no harm intended they will quickly dismiss it or attribute it to another sin or spiritual falling away(whatever that is). Hang in there brother. Not to be cliche but simply remind yourself of what God has done for you of all people.



My thanks to you as well Bruce. I only bring up my spiritual condition in the context of my emotional/mental state because of how I am sinfully predisposed. I know that sometimes things can become imbalanced in one's physiology, that is not really a road I wish to take just yet. (No, you did not bring that up, no worries.) I do not think that many of the illnesses that we encounter are directly related to specific sins, beyond of course Adam's original sin. My issue is that I am a man easily swayed by idols when given even a short amount of time from God's word and thoughts. I run after hobbies and interest with a fervency that causes others to joke at work about me. I am not able to just dabble it seems. This is wonderful when righteously used, but has a choking effect on anything else besides. This is why I see it as a correlation betwixt my time in scripture and over mental state. I really feel that I have worked hard to get to the pit that I am in... but as you said, even so, that guilt is not a balm itself. I hope that the elder I'm going to speak with can relate, and that maybe I can one day offer some help to others. Earlier today after I had first read what you posted I thought about how much I would want to help someone if they were going through the same thing. Just have to find my own way out first.



Edward said:


> While I agree with those who advise seeking spiritual counsel, a medical exam, if you haven't had one recently, might also be in order. While the mental attitude can impact physical health, sometimes a physical condition can impact the mental.



Thank you, I have one scheduled at the end of the month. Hopefully I can have this behind me by then but it has been a long trek into this mess. I'm not fond of the government having a hand in my medical records especially with any mental/emotional concerns.


----------



## AlexanderHenderson1647 (Apr 7, 2013)

While I couldn't add much more than an amen to both those brothers who recommended 1) counsel with your session 2) medical exam (gut and head!), just please remember and dwell, yes meditate on this fact: your Jesus promises, "Matthew 12:20 a bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory;" Take delight that Jesus LOVES sinners. As good Dr. Luther once said, "...when the devil throws your sins in your face and declares that you deserve death and hell, tell him this: "I admit that I deserve death and hell, what of it? For I know One who suffered and made satisfaction on my behalf. His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God, and where He is there I shall be also!”


----------



## PuritanCovenanter (Apr 7, 2013)

About a year ago I did something I have never done in over 30 years. I went to speak with a Professional Counselor at the advice of my Pastor. I started having dreams in December that were of a very hard nature and I even was waking up with tears in my eyes. That had never happened in my life as far as I had known. I had a physical examination with the Dr. and a few counselling sessions to determine if I was bitter about some past issues or if I just lived with an ongoing regret and distrust of others. I was also having a hard time falling a sleep. It was spiritual as well as physical I think. Some of my time in the word started to lack hearing from God as Father and became a wall for protecting my fragile brokenness. I also needed to refocus on having the mind of Christ by submitting to His Spirit laid out in Philippians 1 and 2. Pride issues were getting all over me and ruining my life. And it was s self preserving pride. One that didn't view mortification as laying my life down for the sake of others but one that views whether or not my life was worth laying down. I was overly self abased in some situations which was also self exalting. I hope that doesn't sound as confusing as it might sound. 

Real Christians get in bad places in life. It is a fact. Dr. David Murray wrote a little booklet by the title, "Christians get depressed too." I highly recommend it. [video=youtube;5qUEddgZNPc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qUEddgZNPc[/video]

You can read the preface and first chapter here. 
http://www.westminster.coresense.co...df?utm_source=bhayton&utm_medium=blogpartners


----------



## Stephen L Smith (Apr 7, 2013)

Joshua, I have a medical condition that brings on similar challenges so I know something of what you are going through. The best advice I can give is read Martyn Lloyd-Jones book 'Spiritual Depression' Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Its Cure - Reformation Heritage Books. As you read this, listen to the sermons that make up the book Spiritual Depression | Collection | MLJ Trust. The book and sermons combined would powerfully reinforce the message and bring encouragement. Meditate on both the book and sermons. Lloyd-Jones was a Harley St medical doctor too, and one of the outstanding pastors/counsellors of the church.

Ensure you eat plenty of healthy food - wholegrains, fruit, vegetables, omega 3 fish oil etc. Relax plenty and get good sleep. If you have a wise and godly pastor in your area seek his advice.

May God richly bless you as you work through these difficulties.


----------



## Stephen L Smith (Apr 7, 2013)

PS. Granted Ministries have a hardbound copy of Lloyd-Jones Spiritual Depression which includes a CD of all the messages. Very convenient in one package! Also a free study guide on their website Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure by Martyn Lloyd-Jones

you might also like to seek out some good Reformed material on meditation


----------



## RobertBruce (Apr 7, 2013)

I, too, suffer from some of what you're enduring brother. In addition to what the brothers highlight above, I found the following useful:
Richard Baxter on the cure of melancholy
Piper's When the Darkness Will Not Lift and The Hidden Smile of God

Spurgeon wrote advice to pastors than we can glean from here and recounts some of his own struggle that helps (me at least) in the encouragement that I am not alone in this valley of despair at times His account


----------



## Krak3n (Apr 7, 2013)

PuritanCovenanter said:


> ... Pride issues were getting all over me and ruining my life. And it was s self preserving pride. One that didn't view mortification as laying my life down for the sake of others but one that views whether or not my life was worth laying down. I was overly self abased in some situations which was also self exalting. I hope that doesn't sound as confusing as it might sound.



While I do find that last bit a little confusing, the beginning of what I have quoted makes much sense. I did speak with an elder today and have scheduled to meet with him and another in the coming week. A large source of my anger is pride based, it is a very selfish attitude that I have taken as I have walked further from God's word over the years. I should not have expected to have the continued benefits of a right mind apart from the source of wisdom that I once clung to so tightly.



Stephen L Smith said:


> Joshua, I have a medical condition that brings on similar challenges so I know something of what you are going through. The best advice I can give is read Martyn Lloyd-Jones book 'Spiritual Depression' ... Relax plenty and get good sleep. If you have a wise and godly pastor in your area seek his advice...



Thank you Stephen, I have not picked up the book yet, but I have downloaded the sermons and have them queued up to play tomorrow after work. As far as the dietary advice goes I try to eat pretty well, quality and in moderation. Not much fish though... I prefer them in "stick" form. I'll mention it to my wife and see what she can do as far as dinner goes. As funny as it may sound, I can sleep pretty easy, I just haven't been able to relax in a very long time. It's always there, that feeling of frustration and anger. You did mention getting "good" sleep. As I said, I sleep easily enough, but did you have something further in mind that I'm not considering?



RobertBruce said:


> I, too, suffer from some of what you're enduring brother. In addition to what the brothers highlight above, I found the following useful:
> Richard Baxter on the cure of melancholy ... Piper's When the Darkness Will Not Lift and The Hidden Smile of God ... Spurgeon wrote advice to pastors than we can glean from here and recounts some of his own struggle that helps (me at least) in the encouragement that I am not alone in this valley of despair at times His account



Thank you as well David. Of the first three resources, do you have a preference. I lean towards Piper because of their chronological proximity. I did begin reading Spurgeon's advice toward pastors... I would feel better reading it if I didn't believe my present situation was not my own foolishness. Despite that, he does remind one that life is not to be sunshine and roses at all times, regardless of a man's godly stature.


----------



## RobertBruce (Apr 7, 2013)

I would recommend Piper's When the Darkness precisely for the reason you outline - it's far more accessible at a time when energy can often be difficult muster and focus. If you get a chance, read Baxter when you are feeling able - it's dense, but good. For me, I need to be reading when I'm able to sustain me when I'm struggling. I find that reading 'swimming lessons' is less helpful whilst I'm actively drowning that they are when I'm better able to take the lesson on board and apply it at the right time.

Kudos on taking steps with the eldership. Hang in there!


----------



## Krak3n (Apr 8, 2013)

RobertBruce said:


> ... at a time when energy can often be difficult muster and focus... For me, I need to be reading when I'm able to sustain me when I'm struggling. I find that reading 'swimming lessons' is less helpful whilst I'm actively drowning that they are when I'm better able to take the lesson on board and apply it at the right time.



Wow David, you nailed it. That is one of the irritating influences of feeling this way. There is so much available, as you have all been wonderful enough to show me. It's in finding the strength and focus to begin. There is an amount of hope that is fleeting when I pick up even my Bible, just from the weight of it. Knowing full and well that I needn't read it all at one time for the nourishment to be found.

My thanks once again to all of you. I know my inclination is to wrap myself in solitude and try to settle in the despair... but this is not wise. Your encouragements to speak with an elder as well as so many of the personal accounts have done much good for me.


----------



## Stephen L Smith (Apr 8, 2013)

Krak3n said:


> I sleep easily enough, but did you have something further in mind that I'm not considering?



Not really. Just that your overall health can make a difference. Also, some of the latest research on depression argues that exercise and strength training can make a big difference


----------



## Krak3n (May 6, 2013)

Hello again all, I wanted to tell you all how things are going for me recently.

I did take much of the advice given to me here and put it to use. First and foremost, despite my every inclination, I did speak with an elder at church. He had much to say that was very practical but wanted me to meet with another elder of a neighboring church. I was unsure of how that might turn out, but they are theologically likeminded and only about a half hour away. His reasoning? The second elder was trained in Biblical counseling... CCEF methinks. The elder from my church has been attending with me, which was reassuring. I have to say, that really tells me alot about how much he cares for his congregation.

I don't know how that kind of counseling is seen around here, but I can say that I have found it helpful. It really was a battle for me to let go of my percieved issues and get beyond my own little cocoon of anger and depression. Please don't misunderstand, life has not been rainbows and unicorns. It's been frustrating, this is no, "let's find someone else to blame" counseling. I have assigned readings in Scripture and written responses. The responses are not just filled away, they come out in our meetings and I'm made to answer for them. I must say again, it has really opened my eyes to how much the elders at these churches care for their congregations. Taking the time to meet, as well as read over my responses and mull it over to find my underlying issues.

My own love of sin and apathy toward God have brought me to where I am. I've left myself nowhere else to turn so I look inward and begin building my own little fortress. Problem is, it is quite difficult to live unto one's family alone. Oh, I'd still love to, but that is just not feasable for me. (I can't afford that much real estate.) As you may be thinking, that is only dealing with a symptom. Yes, a symptom that I am still struggling to look beyond.

So am I saying that all is well? No, but it's getting better. My thanks again to all of you. I wished to let you know that I was not just going to stop in for advice and never return again. I've been around, lurking quietly. I still have no idea of the exact course I'm on, but I do trust God to be doing something that would fall under the "...all things work together for good to them that love God" category. It's funny, I would always fight vehemently for God's sovereignty in theological discussion, but in this matter I was not interested in hearing that... actually I was quite annoyed that God would "mess" with my life for His purposes. Yeah... reflecting on that still shames me.

Oh, I also went to the doctor and was found physically healthy. Except for not enough Vitamin D... so I'm doing a bit more yardwork.


----------

