# For wifeys: do any of you get to feeling trapped by house, kids, over-working hubby?



## Pergamum (Jun 18, 2009)

Hello;


Pastors work HARD. We often overwork. 

Also, we PBers tend to breed a lot too, and some of the families on here have over 6 kids. Also, many of you'alls homeschool your kids (all 24 of them) and also many of you make do on small incomes (part of being a ministerin many places).


So,

Do any of you get to feeling trapped by kids, marriage, your husband's smothering work duties. 

Is ministry "the other woman?" Do you find yourselves being resentful? If so, what do you do or read or think to curb it?


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## SolaScriptura (Jun 18, 2009)

My wife isn't on the PB, but I can promise you that she would answer your thread title-question in the affirmative.


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## OPC'n (Jun 18, 2009)

Well, I don't fit into this category....but I just wanted to say that I never thought of them feeling this way. I guess we all have our trials which should help us look around ourselves and try to extend a helping handing to each other....single women to married women and married women to single. We should all try to understand where others stand in life and what their "burden" could be.


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## he beholds (Jun 18, 2009)

My husband is not a pastor, but otherwise, we seem to fit your description: breed like bunnies, smaller income, etc. 
I do sometimes feel overwhelmed, but I think this is my personality and not my station. I know of wives that have it all under control. 
I wouldn't say I feel trapped, though. Just overwhelmed and impatient. I still would not choose any other way to live. Well, if I had the choice, I would have family live near me so we could have a babysitter every once in awhile. But otherwise, despite what I may say or feel when especially stressed, I never want to leave the home for work or for a major source of fun. I want to be content where I am, which is where I think is best for our family.


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## a mere housewife (Jun 19, 2009)

Pergy, when we were little, my mom (who was the kindest and gentlest mother imaginable) struggled with resentment towards us because she had been working up to the point of our being born, and suddenly she was isolated from the adult world at home without even time between our interruptions to sew and do things she enjoyed. She also found it very difficult to be on furlough because they were going into all sorts of homes with ladies who were settling down and had the joys of modern housekeeping etc., and she was in very temporary situations. I think it is easier for us women to content ourselves at home when the situation affords some convenience and stability. There is very little comparison between the situation of even the hardest up in the States and what I know your wife has to face daily on the field.

When we were in Mexico there were some days when I felt a_ little_ resentful of all the claims on Ruben, and wondered where I came in. It really helped that occasionally he would simply set aside a day to take me off to do something. I loved being in Mexico but after I started to get quite sick, I struggled with longing that we could just live like 'normal' people because we had no money to treat my problems or to make things more comfortable. I know that many missionaries have more funds but sometimes they have as little access to conveniences and are dealing with illnesses that wear at the emotional/mental ability to enjoy life on the mission field, even if they would find it otherwise enjoyable. I think this would be even more difficult if one were on a very hard field/situation that was intrinsically not very enjoyable. (I think your wife is an incredible trooper in that regard.)

I think God brings us each through this in His time; there's no quick fix or easy program. We learn to find our all in Him, and it is a lifelong process and there are sometimes not just weeks but months or years of difficult struggle. However the real factors that make life difficult for a woman in the situation need to be considered and alleviated as much as possible. A very difficult field is probably not a situation any woman could thrive in and deal with long term, without serious effects mentally or physically -- quite apart from the contentment at home issue. Furlough has its own challenges: constantly meeting new people, your husband always being in a different part of the room, long days with fussy kids who are also feeling displaced, etc. A man does what he does for a calling, and he has more recognition for his sacrifices from the world. The wife does what she does for him; and she needs to have a reward in him. This is more natural in most situations because our husbands are around and able to focus on us more; but I think a missionary's wife doesn't need it any less. Her husband is her calling; and she needs to have joy of that. This is not inconsistent with finding our all in Christ -- it is an earthly picture that helps us to learn how.

If I could recommend reading anything it would be missionary wife's biographies -- _My heart in His Hands_ by Anne Judson that was mentioned on the board recently is a great one, and very readable if I remember -- most of us do better with biography than theology, and learn a lot from it. I think that most books directed at dealing with these things in normal stateside life are probably going to fall short in many regards of the kind of pressures on a difficult field, with constant demands on you, your health, your childrens' health etc. I would recommend things that are simply directly devotional, or things written by women in situations that one would relate to more instinctively.


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## Idelette (Jun 19, 2009)

a mere housewife said:


> If I could recommend reading anything it would be missionary wife's biographies -- _My heart in His Hands_ by Anne Judson that was mentioned on the board recently is a great one, and very readable if I remember -- most of us do better with biography than theology, and learn a lot from it. I think that most books directed at dealing with these things in normal stateside life are probably going to fall short in many regards of the kind of pressures on a difficult field, with constant demands on you, your health, your childrens' health etc. I would recommend things that are simply directly devotional, or things written by women in situations that one would relate to more instinctively.



 I have read "_My Heart In His Hands_" and it is an incredible book for any woman to read.....I think it would be especially profitable for a missionary's wife! I would highly recommend it as well!


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## CatherineL (Jun 19, 2009)

I'm not a ministry wife, but my husband and I were married through part of college and all of his graduate school (through getting his Ph.D.) and even now continues to work quite a lot. So we've been through poor and working all the time to not so poor and still working most of the time. I've struggled on and off with contentment with who he is and what his calling is - mostly in the sense of how it affects me and my comfort. I wish that he didn't travel as much, he could take more time off, that he was home earlier in the evening, that he had more time to help me with the children. I think Heidi really nails it when she said a wife's calling is her husband and its important to find joy in that. Its joyful to do the work God has set before us - help a husband, raise up children, run a home - but sometimes its very *hard* and the being constantly on call wears down on us. Its been very helpful to me to counsel myself that by holding up and encouraging my husband and doing all that needs to done to care for my children and my home, I'm serving the Lord, and it really is well pleasing to Him. I've found it helpful to memorize scriptures that reassure me like:

Isaiah 40:29 "He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power."

Galatians 6:9 "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

Isaiah 40:11 "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; he gently leads those who have young"

Its very common to feel this way, its a common struggle. It doesn't make me want to leave home, but it does affect my attitude and my relationship with the Lord when I'm dwelling on the difficulties. Sometimes just my man affirming me really helps - even compliments for things like having a cheerful attitude or taking good care of the babies go long way. Hope that helps a bit!


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## Pergamum (Jun 20, 2009)

For men, where is the balance between being "hard-working and industrious" and being "a compulsive workaholic?" And what should be the wife's role in helping the hubby stay balanced.


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## JBaldwin (Jun 20, 2009)

I sometimes feel trapped, and I only have two children. My husband does work a lot and then comes home and works some more (we have a lot of land and animals to attend) and he does work on the side, so he is often gone in the evenings. I homeschool my children, and I do some work on the side as well. I think every woman who stays home with children and has a busy husband will feel trapped from time to time. 

One of the ways my husband helps me is by taking the girls off my hands. He keeps an eye on them while I do other things a few times a week, and a couple of times a month, I leave him with the children, and I go spend the evening with women friends. We also have a date night once a week. Most of the time we don't go out, because we don't have money, but we send the kids to their rooms early, and spend the night doing something with just the two of us. Doing this forces my husband to spend time with our girls, it gives me a break and it forces us to spend time together.


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## py3ak (Jun 22, 2009)

Pergamum said:


> For men, where is the balance between being "hard-working and industrious" and being "a compulsive workaholic?" And what should be the wife's role in helping the hubby stay balanced.



If you _can't_ take a break, then you're definitely compulsive. My observation is that you probably tend more towards compulsive working than towards idleness. It's a hard line to draw, because so much depends on your energy level and your circumstances. As a single 19-year old who never gets tired, you might be able to do far more than as a 95-year old husband with chronic fatigue and inner-ear problems.

It isn't your wife's job to keep you balanced: she can't, because you're the boss. But if she lets you know that _she_ is being negatively impacted by the amount of stuff you are doing, you *really* need to listen to that. You are her protector, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and part of your job is making sure that nothing interferes with you carrying that role out well. And part of that means making sure that no one else is filling her head with stupid notions about how much she should endure, etc.

Naturally, taking care of your wife is not only right, it is also prudent: the better you care for her, the better she can care for you, and the better you can focus in a non-compulsive way on your work outside the home.


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## Romans922 (Jun 22, 2009)

Could someone give a little bit of information about this book?



In His Grip said:


> a mere housewife said:
> 
> 
> > If I could recommend reading anything it would be missionary wife's biographies -- _My heart in His Hands_ by Anne Judson that was mentioned on the board recently is a great one, and very readable if I remember -- most of us do better with biography than theology, and learn a lot from it. I think that most books directed at dealing with these things in normal stateside life are probably going to fall short in many regards of the kind of pressures on a difficult field, with constant demands on you, your health, your childrens' health etc. I would recommend things that are simply directly devotional, or things written by women in situations that one would relate to more instinctively.
> ...


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## Pergamum (Jun 22, 2009)

Yes, please provide a link to the book, I'd like a peek too.


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## py3ak (Jun 23, 2009)

Amazon.com: My Heart in His Hands: Ann Judson of Burma: Sharon L. James: Books


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## LawrenceU (Jun 23, 2009)

Early on we struggled in this area. Me in my workaholism and Molly being overwhelmed. Our life together has rarely, if ever, been a coasting ride. Normally, we are tight financially, busy with ministry demands, have children and other families in and out of the house on a daily basis, late evenings, early mornings, homeschool things, and more. It should be overwhelming and at times is. On top of that I work another full time job.

Molly and I were talking about this last night. God has been gracious to us to bring real changes to both of us. We are currently counseling another couple who are really struggling. They love God desperately, but things are off. Seriously off. Molly made a very wise observation about Christian 'wifehood': 'A wife has to be willing to give everything she has for her husband and his calling. His desires need to become her's. She needs to embrace the dreams that God has placed within him. If she doesn't, or won't, do this she will be devoured by the desire to rule over her husband.' 

This type of wifeyness is so out of the norm and against the will of the flesh that it has to be learned. This is one reason that Paul dictates that the older women are to teach the younger women how to love their husbands. That implies that God honouring love from a wife to a husband is not 'natural'. Affection may be, but love is more than that.


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## dr_parsley (Jun 23, 2009)

Pergamum said:


> For men, where is the balance between being "hard-working and industrious" and being "a compulsive workaholic?" And what should be the wife's role in helping the hubby stay balanced.



That's the role of Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiastes is never far from my mind when I'm in the thick of it.

"Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed.
Light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun
However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all.
But let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many.
Everything to come is meaningless." - Ecclesiastes 11:6-8

Work hard, but don't forget achievement is meaningless and your wife and family are God's best gift to you which He meant for you to enjoy to the utmost.

For me personally, I find it very useful to keep on remembering that the great God of all doesn't need me to do the work I do - he could achieve the results in a million other ways. The work God gives is primarily a blessing to me (another lesson of Ecclesiastes) and God doesn't give one gift at the expense of another gift.

If the wife has a role in this it would be as a barometer and to regularly remind her husband of these things when the pressure hits a certain level.


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## Pergamum (Jun 23, 2009)

*Wife as a barometer*



dr_parsley said:


> Pergamum said:
> 
> 
> > For men, where is the balance between being "hard-working and industrious" and being "a compulsive workaholic?" And what should be the wife's role in helping the hubby stay balanced.
> ...



Yes, my wife is a barometer. We have even used this analogy together. She gives me feedback about how much more busy I can be or how less busy I need to be. If course, during medical situations overseas neither she or I can do anything until a crisis passes or an issue is resolved, but now here we can kickback and watch movie. Now, if I can only find a decent movie to watch!


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## David'sBeloved (Jun 23, 2009)

LawrenceU said:


> Molly made a very wise observation about Christian 'wifehood': 'A wife has to be willing to give everything she has for her husband and his calling. His desires need to become her's. She needs to embrace the dreams that God has placed within him. If she doesn't, or won't, do this she will be devoured by the desire to rule over her husband.'
> 
> This type of wifeyness is so out of the norm and against the will of the flesh that it has to be learned. This is one reason that Paul dictates that the older women are to teach the younger women how to love their husbands. That implies that God honouring love from a wife to a husband is not 'natural'. Affection may be, but love is more than that.



Your wife seems very wise. That is an excellent way to put it!


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## he beholds (Jun 23, 2009)

Pergamum said:


> Now, if I can only find a decent movie to watch!



Try _Pride and Prejudice_


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## Pergamum (Jun 23, 2009)

he beholds said:


> Pergamum said:
> 
> 
> > Now, if I can only find a decent movie to watch!
> ...



Aaarrggh! I'll wait for the Clint Eastwood version.


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## Idelette (Jun 23, 2009)

Romans922 said:


> Could someone give a little bit of information about this book?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm sorry, I just now saw this....

It is based on a collection of letters and journal entries written by Ann Judson; wife of missionary Adoniram Judson to Burma. Much of it is about their lives and the trials that they endured on the mission field..... persecution, imprisonment, the loss of an infant, being separated from one another for a time etc. And through it all Ann Judson wrote some amazing letters that speak of God's Mercies and Sovereignty! What was so amazing was her faithfulness in reconciling herself to God's will through it all! She was a great example of patience, perseverance and faithfulness in the midst of hardship and opposition! It is an incredibly humbling and edifying book to read!

"If nothing in providence appears to prevent, I must spend my days in a heathen land. I am a creature of God, and he has an undoubted right to do with me as seemeth good in his sight...He has my heart in his hands...." (Ann Judson, 1810)


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## py3ak (Jun 24, 2009)

Pergamum said:


> he beholds said:
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> > Pergamum said:
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What happened to your resolution to watch it with your wife?


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## Pergamum (Jun 24, 2009)

py3ak said:


> Pergamum said:
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> > he beholds said:
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D'OH! When's the deadline for this duty? I can do it before the year is up, deal? 

In the meantime, will _The Outlaw Josey Wales_ pass as a romantic comedy?


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## he beholds (Jun 24, 2009)

Pergamum said:


> py3ak said:
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> > Pergamum said:
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somehow i doubt it...


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## AThornquist (Jun 25, 2009)

Wow, another great thread to get the mind's wheels turning! Thank you, Perg.


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## Lady of the Lake (Jul 15, 2009)

40+ years of marriage, 30+ years in ministry and raising children, lots of blood sweat, tears and poverty, and I'm just coming out of the feeling that "the church is the other woman." I'm sure there are very helpful books out there as well as supportive counsel galore. As for me, I'll continue to seek God through His Word and trust Him to change hearts, mine and my husband's. I haven't found a better combination.


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