# How to love your spouse, but not too much



## QueenEsther (Oct 29, 2006)

from The Godly Man's Picture, by Thomas Watson
Section 16: a godly man is a patient man
(iv) Perhaps God is correcting you for a fault, and if so, it becomes you to be patient. It may be your friend had more of your love than God and therefore God took away such a relation, so that the stream of your love might run back to him again. ...

Husbands, you are commanded to love your wives, how do you make sure that you don't start to love her too much, while still being obeident in loving her?

Wives, how do you keep from letting your love for your husband become too much? 

Can you love God too much, as in, service? Is there a point when your service to God shouldn't come before your spouse and family? Can service or ministry become the thing that is loved more than God even though the service is to God?

Is this a common struggle, or am I crazy?


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## ReformedWretch (Oct 29, 2006)

I doubt it's common, but as a house parent who LOVES what he does I am more than certain that there are other care givers/providers/pastors out there who can love their service more than God.


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## Scott Bushey (Oct 29, 2006)

Ephesians 5:25 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;


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## Ivan (Oct 29, 2006)

QueenEsther said:


> Is this a common struggle, or am I crazy?



I'd say a lot of Christians struggle with loving themselves too much.


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## ReformedWretch (Oct 29, 2006)

The unique position that I am in though is that my wife works with me every day. So it's seldom that I chose my service to kids over her. I think I can often love the "service" so much that I place more stock in it than anything else. Though I try not to and pray about it daily.


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## BJClark (Oct 29, 2006)

QueenEsther,



> Wives, how do you keep from letting your love for your husband become too much?



What is too much?

if we don't go to church or serve where God has placed a desire in our heart to serve: because our spouse will get mad or angry, is that really love? or is it more not serving out of fear of our spouses reaction?




> Can you love God too much, as in, service? Is there a point when your service to God shouldn't come before your spouse and family? Can service or ministry become the thing that is loved more than God even though the service is to God?
> 
> Is this a common struggle, or am I crazy?



I don't think we can love God to much, but we can lose track of why we serve Him, where our motives for serving are wrong.

I know with as much as I love to serve, I have to limit what I do, because if I don't my family would be neglected. In other words I would volunteer for everything if I could, so I had to evaluate what I was doing and why. I started cutting back on the things I said Yes to, and found a balance.

Maybe look at it in terms of hours, if there are 168 hours in a week, minus 56 for 8 hours of sleep a night, that still leaves us with 112 hours a week to work with.

So lets say on Sunday we go to Sunday School, Church and Church training, thats what about 3 hours, then one hour a night doing the home work for the week for Sunday School or Church Training, thats another 7 hours. If we are in the Choir thats another 2 hours of practice during the week, so thats still only 12 hours during the week, and still gives us 100 hours a week to work with.

If your working outside the home, thats 40 hours a week given to your employer, and if you have kids in sports and various activities thats more time away from the home on top of all the other service things. 

If you are over extending yourself, just evaluate what all your doing and why, 
and maybe cut back on some of the things your doing. If God wants the ministries, He will lift up others to take your place.


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## polemic_turtle (Oct 29, 2006)

Dr. Joel Beeke said a Puritan once told another Puritan that he loved his wife too much. The man went home, read his Bible, and prayed about it. The next Sunday, he read the text cited above and said that he didn't think he even approached the standard of Christ's love, much less surpassed it. Surely our love has turned into something else before it is too much.


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## Ivan (Oct 29, 2006)

polemic_turtle said:


> Dr. Joel Beeke said a Puritan once told another Puritan that he loved his wife too much. The man went home, read his Bible, and prayed about it. The next Sunday, he read the text cited above and said that he didn't think he even approached the standard of Christ's love, much less surpassed it. Surely our love has turned into something else before it is too much.


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## Laura (Oct 29, 2006)

Ivan said:


> I'd say a lot of Christians struggle with loving themselves too much.



I think this is key. Perhaps when it looks like someone is loving her spouse "too much," what's wrong is that she is selfishly and foolishly loving her own temporal comfort with and enjoyment of him (or what he provides) more than the glory of God and the _eternal_ good of both their souls.


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## VirginiaHuguenot (Oct 29, 2006)

Keith Green:



> Well I pledge my wife to heaven, for the Gospel,
> Though our love each passing day just seems to grow.
> As I told her when we wed, I'd surely rather be found dead,
> Than to love her more than the one who saved my soul.


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## Abd_Yesua_alMasih (Oct 29, 2006)

BJClark said:


> If your working outside the home, thats 40 hours a week given to your employer


I don't want to change the topic but that would be a good job. Most people I know would work closer to 60 hours a week. Maybe it is a difference in living standards in different countries but I think the 40 hours work week does not really exist. The average person must now dedicate more and more time to work just to keep their job and care for their family.


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## gwine (Oct 29, 2006)

VirginiaHuguenot said:


> Keith Green:
> 
> 
> > Well I pledge my wife to heaven, for the Gospel,
> ...



Ah, Keith Green. You left too soon.


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## BobVigneault (Oct 30, 2006)

Gerry,
That song haunted me after Keith died. I kept thinking, did he end up loving his wife more than God so God took him in accordance with Keith's prayer. You know, the whole 'be careful what you pray for.... you might get it." I know it was a silly thought but I couldn't shake it back then. Keith did certainly leave too soon.


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## QueenEsther (Oct 30, 2006)

Is there a line where you can only love your spouse this much..?

If there is a line does it move? Does our compacity to love grow as we grow in Christ? 

Does there come a point where what was loving too much is now not enough?

How do you know you are loving them enough while not putting them above God? How can you tell?

Is it possible to love someone with all you have and it be all wrong?

Does love look different to different people?


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## a mere housewife (Oct 30, 2006)

I don't think there is a line, I don't think we can ever love 'too much'. There is a much greater danger of loving too little. As has been pointed out above, we can only love unselfishly in the context of loving God most of all, and wosrhipping Him in all our loves. Otherwise we end up with idols, and real love cannot be offered from/to an idol. Love, like everything else, coheres only in God. If we recognize as the Psalmist, that 'I have no good apart from you' -- then I think we only grow in love in all our various relations, as we grow in love to God in whom we have the good of them. As Lewis says, the solution is not to love others less, but God more.


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## QueenEsther (Oct 30, 2006)

a mere housewife said:


> As Lewis says, the solution is not to love others less, but God more.



That's a really good quote, Heidi, thank you


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## Laura (Oct 31, 2006)

I believe Heidi's quote about answers the question. Here's the same thing in Christina Rossetti's words:

Trust me, I have not earn'd your dear rebuke,
I love, as you would have me, God the most;
Would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,
Nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look
Unready to forgo what I forsook;
This say I, having counted up the cost,
This, though I be the feeblest of God's host,
The sorriest sheep Christ shepherds with His crook.
Yet while I love my God the most, I deem
That I can never love you overmuch;
I love Him more, so let me love you too;
*Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such
I cannot love you if I love not Him,
I cannot love Him if I love not you.*​("Sonnet of Sonnets")


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## QueenEsther (Nov 1, 2006)

That's really good, Laura.


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## Mrs.SolaFide (Nov 1, 2006)

a mere housewife said:


> ... the solution is not to love others less, but God more.



 , Heidi - I can't think of a more concise & clear answer.


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## BJClark (Nov 1, 2006)

Abd_Yesua_alMasih



> I don't want to change the topic but that would be a good job. Most people I know would work closer to 60 hours a week. Maybe it is a difference in living standards in different countries but I think the 40 hours work week does not really exist. The average person must now dedicate more and more time to work just to keep their job and care for their family.



Sure it does, but I guess it also depends on your employer. I know my husbands employer values time with family and believes it a priority, not only for himself, but his employees as well.

He also has the belief that if the work is not done today, there is always tomorrow, and if we aren't here tomorrow then the work must not be THAT important.

He's pays his employees a reasonable pay for the area, and has even insisted my husband take a vacation, as the work would still be there when he returns.

They also know if they need my husband to work longer hours on some days he will, but then they will tell him to leave early on other days, so that it all evens out. My husband doesn't mind hard work, nor does he mind working long hours if needed, he would rather work late one night than leave a job unfinished till the next day when he could be doing something else.

Now back to the questions of the OP--



> Is there a line where you can only love your spouse this much..?



I don't think so.



> If there is a line does it move? Does our compacity to love grow as we grow in Christ?



Again, I don't think there is a line, but I do believe our capacity to love others, including our spouse, grows as we grow in Christ.



> Does there come a point where what was loving too much is now not enough?



I guess I am confused by your question, and wondering if there is something specific your wanting to know. Could you give an example of what you think is not loving your spouse enough? or even what is loving them much? 



> How do you know you are loving them enough while not putting them above God? How can you tell?



Again, it sounds like you are looking for something specific, but not quite asking what you really want to know.



> Is it possible to love someone with all you have and it be all wrong?



yes, it's possible.



> Does love look different to different people?



yes, it does.

Have you ever heard of the books "The Five Love Languages" or "His Needs Her Needs?"

They both go over the various ways people feel loved. Even though everyone has certain needs to feel loved, they aren't always lined up in the same order.

Here is an article that explains some of this that may be more helpful.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html


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## QueenEsther (Nov 1, 2006)

Thank you, Bobbi. I don't know that I had anything specific in mind, they were just questions that came to my mind while I was reading the section on patience from the The Godly Man's Picture. I noticed that while it maybe be easy for me to love and take care of people, that I probably have a tendency to do it my way and to the extent that I want to and often displace the love I should be having for God (I think that came out right).


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## Semper Fidelis (Nov 1, 2006)

Others have quoted this text but I want to highlight the specific command given to wives:


> Eph 5
> 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
> 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.


I agree with those who have stated that husbands cannot possibly love their wives as much as they are commanded to do. Making their wives an idol is not the same as loving them. All men love their wives far too little. The idea of a man loving his wife as Christ loved the Church is very devotional and has been haunting me for about a month now since I've been teaching on this very subject in Sunday School.

Marriage is said to be a picture of Christ and His Church so that when _any_ man falls short of that picture it is sin. For us, thankfully, it is a sin covered by Christ's Blood. Think about the husband who cheats on his wife. He is saying that Christ cheats on His Bride. He who "punishes" his wife for crossing him says that Christ punishes His bride for its unfaithfulness. Heaven forbid that Christ would abandon us based on our obedience! Such love that is commanded!

Women are not commanded specifically, within the marriage relationship, to love their husbands. They are commanded to _respect_. They are commanded to _submit_.

I believe the commands speak, in many ways, to our weaknesses. Women are good at loving, men are not generally so. Women love, and serve, those they do not respect. They love creeps. They are commanded to respect. They are commanded to submit. They are not commanded to respect _if_ the husband is respectable any more than a husband is commanded to love _if_ his wife has given sufficient reason. The commands stand _without_ condition.

Women can love their husbands in very disrespectful ways and even sinful ways. They will share details of their husband's failures to other women so that they can pray for each other's weak husbands. They don't necessarily do so with malice aforethought but women are not very good at respecting. Why? Read the curses in Genesis 3.

Thus in answer to your question:

1. Can a man love too much? No. That requires faith in Christ.
2. Can a woman love too much? That's not her issue. She needs to learn how to practice submission. She needs to learn how to practice respect. Both require great faith in Christ.


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## QueenEsther (Nov 1, 2006)

SemperFideles said:


> Thus in answer to your question:
> 
> 1. Can a man love too much? No. That requires faith in Christ.
> 2. Can a woman love too much? That's not her issue. She needs to learn how to practice submission. She needs to learn how to practice respect. Both require great faith in Christ.




I realized some time ago when I was in a relationship that I talked about respecting him, and read books about giving respect and honour to your husband, but I really had no idea *how* to show him respect and honour. I couldn't (and he couldn't) figure out why I was so bad at it when it seemed so simple, just do it, right? He ended up just giving me examples of how I could show him respect and I had to seriously pray that God would give me wisdom to know how to do this.

Since the issue isn't necessarily love but respect (for wives, anyway) what are things your wife does to show you respect and honour? And, wives, what are ways that you show this to your husbands?

And for husbands what are ways you show love to your wives? 

Specific examples are welcome, I don't, apparently, do well without examples.


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## Semper Fidelis (Nov 1, 2006)

You'd have to ask my wife about subtle ways that she practices respect (I've tried to convince her she needs to post here but she hasn't taken me up on it yet). I can tell you one thing that's helped us: She's quiet when I'm angry. That's huge because I tend to sin when I'm angry and I get angry far too easily. She's not always quiet but she is far more than she used to be.


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## QueenEsther (Nov 1, 2006)

SemperFideles said:


> You'd have to ask my wife about subtle ways that she practices respect (I've tried to convince her she needs to post here but she hasn't taken me up on it yet). I can tell you one thing that's helped us: She's quiet when I'm angry. That's huge because I tend to sin when I'm angry and I get angry far too easily. She's not always quiet but she is far more than she used to be.




That's a wise wife you have there, I think I remember there being a proverb along those lines


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## bookslover (Nov 2, 2006)

gwine said:


> Ah, Keith Green. You left too soon.



On the contrary: in the wise providence and grace of God, he left exactly when he was supposed to. But, I know what you mean...


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## BJClark (Nov 2, 2006)

QueenEsther,

Respect as with love, looks different to different people.

Some husbands could say they feel respected when their wives do every single thing they want them to, and never complain. If they don't or if they complain, it's disrespectful.

While others if their wives would only have more sex with them, would feel more respected.

And for others if their wives keep a clean house, makes sure they have clean clothes to wear, cooks dinner, when husbands discipline the kids the wife backs the decision on the discpline even if she has a problem with how discipline was meeted out, and then speaks to him in private about it later.

If a husband makes a foolish purchase the wife doesn't complain and harp on it, she accepts his decision, and prays.

So you see, men, like women are different, and various things show them their wives respect them.

My husband shows me he loves me in lots of different ways, spending time with me talking, doing things with the kids and me, calling me before he agrees to work or do something on a day he's scheduled off to make sure I don't have anything else planned. He gets on to the kids or anyone else who speaks to me disrespectfully, letting them know "you don't talk to HIS wife that way." He encourages me to serve God where I am called to serve and doesn't complain if it sometimes takes longer than planned. 

When he says he will do something, he makes plans to accomplish it, if it means we have to save for certain purchases to get a home project done in stead of going into debt, he sits down with me and discusses what we need and how much we need to set aside for the purchase for it to get accomplished then we work together to save and make the purchase.

There are times I lack trust that he can get certain things accomplished, and want to know what his back up plan is in case something goes wrong, so he lets me know. Especially if it's something he's never done before. (I know not really respectful, but it's one of my weaknesses, but he still lets me know, which shows me he loves me, even in my weakness).

Those are just a few things, there are many many more...


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## QueenEsther (Nov 2, 2006)

Thank you, Bobbi, this helps. So, I'm guessing it has a lot to do with knowing your spouse and what they like or need.

Other examples are still welcome


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## BJClark (Nov 2, 2006)

QueenEsther,



> So, I'm guessing it has a lot to do with knowing your spouse and what they like or need.
> 
> Other examples are still welcome




Most of us, show love the way WE feel loved. 

Example: If we like recieving gifts or cards as an act of love, that is how we will show others we love them...by giving them cards or gifts.

The other person may not have that as a top love language, so to them, it could come across as just a waste of money, because they would have rather spent time doing something with the other person.

Gifts are not one of my top love languages, spending time together is...so even if my husband buys me a gift, I can appreciate the gift, but I'd much rather he spend time giving me a backrub or something...so the perfect gift would be massage oils that he can use to give me a back rub...and I can in turn use them to give him a backrub...It is a gift we can both benefit from!!  

Just like for my husband feels loved when I help him clean the garage, I'm being his helpmate, helping him accomplish a task, not that he couldn't do it all on his own, but it's my helping him (Domestic Support) as some call it, that shows him I love him. But at the same time, I feel loved because it's spending time with him doing something together, even if it's not a 'fun' task. So again, we both benefit by working together.

So yes, it is about knowing your spouse and how they feel most loved, and respected. 

So how do you know your spouse? that is where communication comes in, if a husband or wife are not communicating with their spouse, then one of their most important needs is not being met, and the rest will eventually go unmet,
because the other one will be guessing at what the other needs to feel loved.


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## Gregg (Nov 2, 2006)

It is impossible to love your spouse too much. I've had lots of years to reflect upon the many times I could have loved more.

Gregg

Widower since age 31


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