# Jokes about other denominations...?



## PresbyDane

If you have any please write them here.

I am trying to start aome action here....


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## Marrow Man

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


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## Theognome

On the act of thinking...

Protestantism: It's the thought that counts.
Taoism: You are what you think.
Catholicism: Stop thinking those thoughts!
Judaism: You should have thought of that before.
Atheism: It's not a thought- it's an idea.
TV Evangelism: Don't think- have faith.
Buddhism: Think a god thought.
Zen Buddhism: It's not the thinking that counts.
Hinduism: I've had that thought before.

Theognome


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## Hippo

When being shown around Heaven a newly arrived saint was asked to speak quietly when he approached a large white building, surprised the saint asked why he had to be quiet only to be told that the building was occupied by Baptists who thought that they were the only ones in Heaven and no one wanted to upset them.


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## MrMerlin777

Marrow Man said:


> Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
> 
> He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
> 
> He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
> 
> Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.



I believe I saw Emo Phillips tell this one back in the 1980s


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## steven-nemes

LOL! "Die, heretic!!"


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## Marrow Man

A few tidbits I've heard over the years:


Why do they call Episcopalians "Whiske-palians"? Because whenever you find four, you'll always find a fifth.

The nice thing about Presbyterians is that when you put 4 in a room together you'll always get at least 6 opinions.

And this oldie but goodie: A man dies and goes to heaven. An angel shows him around and informs him that heaven is made up of many rooms in which are the various denominations. The angel takes him down a hallway upon which the man hears beautiful choral singing. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the Methodists. This is how they want to praise God." The angel takes the man a little further down the hallway and all of sudden the man hears clapping and tambourine music. "These are the charismatics," the angel explains. After several more such rooms (I've heard that the Presbyterian room had lots of snoring coming from it), the angel takes the man to the last room at the end of the hallway. The angel places his finger over his mouth and warns the man to be very, very quite. "Why?" the man asks. The angel answers, "Because this is the room with all the Baptists, and they think they're the only ones up here."
I had a roommate in college who said he told that joke at a camp he worked at one summer (a Baptist camp). When he finished, no one was laughing!


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## cih1355

What did the Roman Catholic church tell a quarterback to do in the fourth quarter? Offer up a Hail Mary!


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## Theognome

Mark and Grace Miller were a nice couple, Southern Baptists through and through. Mark was a barber, and one of the best. I went to his shop every month for a good straight blade shave and a haircut, and to hear him preach and pray as he worked.

But I recently went to his shop, and Mark wasn't there. I was told that his mother was ill, and he went to tend to her- so his wife performed the hair services. She did a good job, but she spoke not a word during the whole cut, which really had an effect on my overall countenance. 

However, I noticed that after a few days, I had not grown any of my beard. After a week, still no facial hair. After two weeks without a single whisker. I returned to the barber shop.

"Brother," I asked, "I had my usual done while you were gone, and now for the last two weeks I've stopped growing facial hair. What happened? What did she do?"

He replied, "Well, you know what they say- once shaved by Grace, always shaved by Grace."

Theognome


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## Marrow Man

MrMerlin777 said:


> I believe I saw Emo Phillips tell this one back in the 1980s



Yep, Emo claims to be the author of the joke. I can tell it because we're related.


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## SolaGratia

Presbyterians churches have fans in their ceilings so that no one will lift up their hands.

Note:This is a joke.


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## Hamalas

> Well, you know what they say- once shaved by Grace, always shaved by Grace.



Oh, Bill. No, that's just wrong.


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## Theognome

Hamalas said:


> Well, you know what they say- once shaved by Grace, always shaved by Grace.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, Bill. No, that's just wrong.
Click to expand...


I certainly hope so.

Theognome


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## Hamalas




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## Marrow Man

SolaGratia said:


> Presbyterians churches have fans in their ceilings so that no one will lift up their hands.
> 
> Note:This is a joke.



No, it's not. I am requesting to our Session that we install ceiling fans for just that purpose.

Of course, I'll be the one in trouble, as I'm the only who lifts hands (during prayers and the benediction).

From now on, just call me stumpy. Idiot, heretic, or stumpy. Or all three.


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## Theognome

Marrow Man said:


> SolaGratia said:
> 
> 
> 
> Presbyterians churches have fans in their ceilings so that no one will lift up their hands.
> 
> Note:This is a joke.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> No, it's not. I am requesting to our Session that we install ceiling fans for just that purpose.
> 
> Of course, I'll be the one in trouble, as I'm the only who lifts hands (during prayers and the benediction).
> 
> From now on, just call me stumpy. Idiot, heretic, or stumpy. Or all three.
Click to expand...



A heretical stumpy idiot perhaps?

Theognome


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## Marrow Man

Theognome said:


> A heretical stumpy idiot perhaps?
> 
> Theognome



Guilty!


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## No Longer A Libertine

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."


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## Rangerus

A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with the governor and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now get out!!.


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## Marrow Man

Rangerus said:


> A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
> "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
> "What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
> "You heard, no Celtic fans."
> "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
> "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
> "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
> "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
> "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
> "Hmmm. Anything else?"
> "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
> "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
> Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with the governor and he agrees with me.
> Here's your thirty quid back, now get out!!.



I knew a Christian guy in college who told me he was going to be pretty upset when he got to heaven if St. Peter was there to personally greet him...


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## Marrow Man

rimshot!

Hey, can we get an emoticon for that?

This is as close as I can get:


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## No Longer A Libertine

A young single Baptist woman used to be harassed at every church function celebrating a wedding as elderly women took it upon themselves to seek her out and point at her "You're next" with an ominous finger.

They finally stopped doing this after she returned the gesture at funerals.


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## Hippo

This is a true story concerning the Louvin Brothers, the finest brothers bluegrass band that we have ever seen. I cannot remember which brother is which so this element may be the wrong way round.

Ira and Charlie Louvin were on the road and Charlie (who had always been the "bad" brother) had been drinking heavily. The car stopped and Charlie jumped out, falling down the steep bank into a ditch.

Ira climbed down to help his brother and knelt by his injured sibling praying out loud "Lord please help my drunk brother" to which Charlie replied "don't tell him I'm drunk, just say that I'm sick"


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## Theognome

Osama Bin Laden died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted him there.

"Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."

Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"

By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.

Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.

By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"

Peter calmly explained, "Why, Obama. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."

Theognome


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## No Longer A Libertine

Theognome said:


> Osama Bin Laden died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted him there.
> 
> "Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."
> 
> Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"
> 
> By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.
> 
> Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.
> 
> By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"
> 
> Peter calmly explained, "Why, Obama. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."
> 
> Theognome


Wacka Wacka.


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## Marrow Man

Theo, that was the best one yet!


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## PresbyDane

A christian and an Atheist were out walking, the Christian starts singing about God and all the joys in life.
Eventually the Atheist gets annoyed and said there is no such thing as God.
Well said the christian, ther is and he has done all these great deeds like he feed the isrealites and... and even let them go through the red sea.
"let me stop you right there, he did no such thing it was the sea of reeds and there were only a couple of inches of water..."
The Christian went silent for a couple of minutes, but then started singing again.
"what is it now, the Atheist asked"
"My God is so great he drowned Farao and all of his army in only a couple of inches of water"


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## Hippo

Theognome said:


> Osama Bin Laden died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted him there.
> 
> "Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."
> 
> Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"
> 
> By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.
> 
> Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.
> 
> By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"
> 
> Peter calmly explained, "Why, Obama. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."
> 
> Theognome



A crafty change from Osama to Obama there.


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## No Longer A Libertine

Theognome said:


> Osama Bin Laden died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted him there.
> 
> "Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."
> 
> Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"
> 
> By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.
> 
> Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.
> 
> By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"
> 
> Peter calmly explained, "Why, *Obama*. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."
> 
> Theognome


Freudian slip here my friend?


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## Theognome

I suppose so. Maybe.


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## Marrow Man

No Longer A Libertine said:


> Freudian slip here my friend?



 Good eye, my friend, good eye!

But Freud? See, there's that integrationist stuff creeping in again!


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## No Longer A Libertine

Marrow Man said:


> No Longer A Libertine said:
> 
> 
> 
> Freudian slip here my friend?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Good eye, my friend, good eye!
> 
> But Freud? See, there's that integrationist stuff creeping in again!
Click to expand...

You obviously haven't been reading the New york blogs and the fantasies some misguided member of the Obama cult have


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## PresbyDane




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## Theognome

Here's a serious question:

Is it normal for the PB to have a round of irellevant, pointless and downright silly threads after Bob Gonzales and Matt Winzer spend a couple of nights pounding on each other?

Theognome


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## Rich Koster

A Rabbi gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you Rabbi. The next day the barber comes to work and finds a bottle of Mogen-David wine by the door.

Next a Catholic Priest gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you Father. The next day the barber comes to work and finds a bottle of Eastern Monastery wine by the door.

Next a Televangelist gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you preacher. The next day the barber comes to work and finds 10 Televangelists waiting at the door.


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## PresbyDane

I do not know


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## discipulo

In a time of crisis, a Baptist Pastor was getting a very low salary, when he sees an advertisement asking for people to help on the local Circus.

He went there and they asked him to be disguised as a monkey and walk around to give some atmosphere.

Rather humiliating he thought, but at least nobody recognizes me.

He was wondering around in the Circus area in his monkey costume, when he makes the wrong turn and enters an open cage, suddenly he sees a Lion.

I’m going to die, he thinks, he falls on his knees and starts praying out loud.

Suddenly hears the Lion saying:

Brother don’t worry, it’s me the Nazarene Pastor.


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## Athaleyah

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.


The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."


The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."


The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."


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## Theognome

Athaleyah said:


> A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
> 
> 
> The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
> 
> 
> The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
> 
> 
> The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."



Now that's funny!

Theognome


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## reformed trucker

Theognome said:


> Osama Bin Laden died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted him there.
> 
> "Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."
> 
> Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"
> 
> By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.
> 
> Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.
> 
> By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"
> 
> Peter calmly explained, "Why, Obama. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."
> 
> Theognome




You kill me!


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## steven-nemes

Question: What's the great thing about being an Episcopalian?

Answer: Being an Episcopalian never interferes with your politics. (...OR your religion! )

-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:03:59 EST-----

Why are Unitarian Universalists such lousy hymn singers? They are reading ahead to see if they agree with the next line.


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## Michael Doyle

Athaleyah said:


> A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
> 
> 
> The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
> 
> 
> The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
> 
> 
> The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."





That truly made me laugh, hilarious


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## Casey

Think American frontier situation: Of course the Presbyterians and the Congregationalists are rather slow at this. On the other hand, the Methodists will ordain any guy on a horse, and the Baptists will ordain the horse!


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## Rich Koster

In a restaurant, a bunch of old pastors were bragging about their accomplishments over the years. A man dressed in a turban and shabby denims comes over to them and tells them "I got more Christians to pray than all of you combined". Rather indignantly the elder of them asks him " OH and what did YOU do to accomplish that?" He said " I drove a cab in New York City for 20 years".


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## Michael Doyle

Things you never hear in church.............. 
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!

-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:35:47 EST-----

Top 10 Reasons You Know You're a Baptist:
1. Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
2.when someone asks you what you would be if you weren't a Baptist, you say "I'd be ashamed!!!".
3. you are very sure that the so-called "wine" in the Bible was unfermented grape juice.
4. You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.
5. you think sword drills have something to do with the Bible and not with fencing.
6. You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
7. You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
8. you consider fried chicken to be the gospel bird.
9. yours is the oldest and most Biblical denomination of all, after all, it was founded by John the Baptist. 
10. You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.


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## Presbyterian Deacon

SolaGratia said:


> Presbyterians churches have fans in their ceilings so that no one will lift up their hands.
> 
> Note:This is a joke.




No it isn't!





















-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:40:04 EST-----



Joshua said:


> How can you tell the difference between a Presbyterian Deacon and a Baptist Deacon?
> 
> The Presbyterian Deacon will say _hello_ to you in the Liquor store.




Hello Josh!


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## kalawine

Rich Koster said:


> A Rabbi gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you Rabbi. The next day the barber comes to work and finds a bottle of Mogen-David wine by the door.
> 
> Next a Catholic Priest gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you Father. The next day the barber comes to work and finds a bottle of Eastern Monastery wine by the door.
> 
> Next a Televangelist gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you preacher. The next day the barber comes to work and finds 10 Televangelists waiting at the door.


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## Michael Doyle

*You might be a southern baptist if...*

- You think John the Baptist started the SBC.

- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.

- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

- You think worship music has to be loud.

- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

- You judge the quality of a service by its length.

- You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.

- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.

- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.

- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.

- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus


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## Theognome

He was definately a Baptist. When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
Clean Christian Jokes

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"


Theognome

-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:57:33 EST-----

Last year, the International Association of Scientists gathered in Geneva. Their topic of discussion- Does mankind need God?

After two days of debate, the council came to a resolution that mankind no longer needs God. A decision was made to send five of the most celebrated scientific thinkers of the modern world to the gates of heaven to inform God of their findings. And so, resolution in hand, the men said to God...

"God, mankind no longer needs you. We have evolved to a state of perfection and knowledge that demands we accept our superiority. Consider this: We can fly through the skies and even plow the reaches of space. We can travel well beyond the speed of sound and can intelligibly communicate at the speed of light. We can create machines that can think on their own and furthermore, we can even engineer life itself through genetics. In fact, we can prove to you that we no longer need you. You make a man, and we'll make a man- and whoever mans the best man, wins."

With a snicker God replied, "Okay boys, you go first."

And so the scientists began to gather some dirt for base material, but suddenly God slapped their hand away, "Sorry boys," God declared, "You'll have to get your own dirt."

Theognome


----------



## A.J.

You can find lots of jokes about fundamentalist doctrines and practices here: Stuff Fundies Like

HT: Bob Hayton of Fundamentally Reformed


----------



## kalawine

The pastor of a poor Baptist church passed away and the congregation 
went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.

They stopped at the door of a local Presbyterian pastor and asked, "Would you give $5 to bury a Baptist preacher?"

Then he excitedly reached into his pocket, pulled out some money and exclaimed, "Here's $10. Bury two of them!"


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## ColdSilverMoon

Here's the inevitable light bulb joke: (I like the Unitarian version)

*How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? *

Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

*How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? *

No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness. 

*How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? *

Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. 

*How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? *

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today. 

*How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? *

Only one because any more would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip. 

*How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? *

At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light. 

*How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? *

None. They always use candles. 

*How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change light bulb? *

One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing. 

*How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? *

Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one to offer a toast to the old light bulb. 

*How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? *

CHANGE??????? 

*How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? *

About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not. 

*How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb? *

There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back at their next meeting.

*How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? *

What's a light bulb? 

*How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? *

Five. One man to change bulb & four wives to tell him how to do it. 

*How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb? *

None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. 

*How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb? *

300. 12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee, which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the House Committee, which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee, which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation. After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all. 

From here.


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## Theognome

Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?

One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.

At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.

A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.

This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.

At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.

The horse came in dead last!

As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."

"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Theognome


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## kvanlaan

A Dutch Reformed man is shipwrecked on an island. When he is picked up twenty years later, the crew of the rescue vessel see three buildings on the shore and inquire as to their use.

"Well," says Douwe, "that one is my house, the second one is my church, and the third one is the church I _used to_ go to."


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## A.J.

Glossary

Terms to know when reading about Baptist fundamentalists:
(_This list is a work in progress and will be expanded as the author finds time. Feel free to submit your own definitions via the comments section._)


Amen!
- The proper response to the query “And all God’s people said?”

Bud-dumber
- A clever play on words that combines “Budwiser” and “dumber.” Fundies are full of these little gems.

Compromiser
- One of the worst insults a fundamentalist can muster. In the insult taxonomy it falls about one level below “Democrat” and two levels above “liberal.”

Fightin’
- A fundamentalist’s favorite self-descriptor adjective.

Horses
- What you can’t contend with after the footmen tire thee.

Hyper-Calvinist
– A person who believes one more point of TULIP than I do.

Managawd
- A fundamentalist pastor. Especially those who fancy themselves to be modeled after the Old Testament prophets.

Movie House
- A sinful, godless movie theater where movies from Hollyweird (or perhaps Hellywood) are shamelessly displayed.

Rock Music
– Any music where the beat is not on the first and third note. The only exception to this rule Southern Gospel.

Sacred Desk
– A pulpit.

Standards
- The things that I do that and you don’t do because you’re a compromising liberal Democrat. Includes everything from hair length to radio station presets.

Wine
-Welch’s Grape Juice​
* From Stuff Fundies Like

-----Added 2/19/2009 at 11:07:43 EST-----







link: Calvinistic Cartoons: Mass Confusion






link: Calvinistic Cartoons: Church Discipline

* See more jokes from Calvinistic Cartoons


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## nicnap

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school all by himself when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first few days, but one day he came home and asked if he could walk by himself. He wanted to be like the "big boys."

Not wanting to disappoint him, she decided to allow him to walk without her, via plan B (which consisted of recruiting a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to repetitiously follow him to school, at a distance far enough behind him that he would not likely notice he was being followed, but close enough to keep a watch on him).

Mrs. Goodnest was agreeable, since she was up early with her own toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. So, the very next school day Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out to follow behind Timmy as he walked to school. Timmy was accompanied by another neighbor boy he knew.

As the boys walked to school each day, chatting, and kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy began to notice that a lady seemed to be following them every day.

"Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" he asked Timmy.

"Yea, I know who she is," Timmy replied

"Well who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the is she? Why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "Every night Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm in my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it the Psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."


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## Rangerus

Athaleyah said:


> A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
> 
> 
> The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
> 
> 
> The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
> 
> 
> The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."



Winner, winner, Baptist Chicken Dinner!


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## 21st Century Calvinist

10 REASONS WHY I AM A CALVINIST

1. Calvinists tend to wear wool and cotton. Dispensationalists tend to wear lime-green polyester leisure suits.

2. John Calvin was French...being French is very chic.

3. Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein...and his clothes are very chic.

4. Calvinists can drink.

5. Calvinists can smoke.

6. Dispensationalists are into prophecy conferences where they talk about Star-Trek eschatology and the mark of the Beast. Calvinists have conferences on "life and culture", art, social justice, and other high- brow things like that. Afterwards, we go to the local pub and talk about philosophy over a pint of Bass ale.

7. Calvinists have close ties with Scotland and Scotland is very cool: you know --Sean Connery, the movie Highlander, Bagpipes, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenlivet 18 year old Scotch, the movie Train Spotting, Brave Heart, etc.

8. Calvinists think we are smarter than anybody else.

9. It is more socially acceptable to say, "I go to Grace Presbyterian Church" than to say, "I go to Washed In The Blood Worship Center", "I go to Sonlife Charismatic Believers Assembly", or to say "I go to Boston Berean Bible Believing Baptist Bethel", or to say "I go to the Latter-Day- Rain Deliverance Tabernacle Prophecy Center, Inc.", or to say "I go to the Philadelphia Church of the Majority Text", or to say "I go to the Lithuanian Apostolic Orthodox Autocephalic Church of the Baltic union of 1838".

10. Ultimately, I am a Calvinist because I had no choice in the matter.

Found this one at JollyBlogger.


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## Ask Mr. Religion

Top 10 Reasons I am a Calvinist
<someone beat me to this one -- see above>

-----Added 2/20/2009 at 12:59:37 EST-----

Calvinists are not the only ones who have a flower (TULIP). Arminians do as well...the Daisy....he loves me, he love me not, he loves me, loves me not....

-----Added 2/20/2009 at 01:01:21 EST-----

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? 

A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. (Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.)

-----Added 2/20/2009 at 01:04:58 EST-----

It is not a denomination joke, but one of my most effective and funny illustrations:

A Christian hunter is hunting bears in the woods. While walking up a hill he grabs a branch for leverage and it breaks sending the hunter tumbling down the hill, gun flying off elsewhere. When the hunter dusts himself off he sees a huge bear charging him. The hunter begins running, but trips and falls, landing on his knees. Seizing the opportunity, and being a good Christian, the hunter begins to pray, "Lord, make this bear a Christian."

The woods are quiet, the hunter turns and, Hallelujah! He sees the bear on his knees, paws together, praying! But listening, he hears the bear praying, "Father, bless this food to my body."

The key message here is that God answers prayers of the righteous, but the answer you get may not be the answer you want, but it will always be the right answer.


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## Pilgrim

From the _NTJ_ a few years ago: 

Q: What is a Presbyterian? 

A: A Presbyterian is a Methodist with a drinking problem who isn't rich enough to be an Episcopalian.


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## Rev. Todd Ruddell

Theognome said:


> Osama Bin Laden died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted him there.
> 
> "Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."
> 
> Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"
> 
> By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.
> 
> Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.
> 
> By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"
> 
> Peter calmly explained, "Why, Obama. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."
> 
> Theognome



Hopefully, the name used twice toward the end of the post was a typo!

-----Added 2/20/2009 at 07:55:27 EST-----

Did you all hear the story about the Irishman that came into a pub and asked the bartender for three Guinness and three glasses? He proceeded to pour each into a glass and took a sip of the first, then the second, then the third until they were gone. He then asked for three more Guinness and three fresh glasses, and proceeded to do the same, finishing all six beers in the course of the evening. At the end of the evening, as he was leaving, the bartender asked him to explain his strange drinking custom. He explained that he had a brother in Ireland, a brother in Germany, and he himself here in the states, and that as a statement of family unity, they each agreed together to go to the local pub every Tuesday evening, and have a round of drinks, one for each brother, and if it was an especially good week, to have a second round. The Bartender told him that he would maintain a good stock of Guinness for his quaint custom, and would be happy to seem him every Tuesday night. 

This went on consistently for about 6 months. Then, one Tuesday evening, the Irishman came in and declared, "Bartender, I would only like 2 Guinness this evening". Well, a hush fell on the bar, and everyone was placed in a more somber mood. Later the Bartender came over and told the Irishman that he was sorry to hear about his brother. The Irishman replied, (in his Irish brogue) "Dear friend, you're thinkin' that because I've asked for only 2 Guinness that one of me brothers has died. How very kind of you, Sir! Surely, it bring a wee tear to me eye just thinkin' of your kindness. But happily, it isn't the case at all. Y'see m'wife and I have joined the Baptist Church, and they don't allow me to drink any longer--but that hasn't stopped me brothers a bit!"


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## Richard King

Joshua said:


> How can you tell the difference between a Presbyterian Deacon and a Baptist Deacon?
> 
> The Presbyterian Deacon will say _hello_ to you in the Liquor store.



excellent, consider this one STOLEN. I am taking it.
There is no place on earth where this is more true 
than this very city I'm in.


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## Zenas

Q: What's the difference between a Baptist and Presbyterian? 

A: Presbyterians will say "Hi" to you in the liquor store. 

-----

Q: Why do you always take two Baptist preachers with you fishing? 

A: If you only take one he'll drink all of your beer. 

-----

That's all I got.


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## CNJ

Years ago when I taught third grade in a public school in California I showed a film, "The Toy Maker". I had two Jewish boys in this class. The film showed a pok-a-dotted puppet fighting with a stiped puppet until they both realized that they were both connected to the puppet master and then the two puppets made peace. 

You can always ask questions when you are the Christian teacher in a public school. So I asked, "Class, who do you think the puppet master is or represents?"

The first Jewish boy answered "He is Abraham Lincoln."

The second Jewish student piped up, "No, stupid. You have it wrong. We all come from Abraham, not Abraham Lincoln."

The other boy retorted, "Yes, but you don't have to go back that far. No one will believe you."


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## Ivan

Marrow Man said:


> A few tidbits I've heard over the years:
> 
> 
> Why do they call Episcopalians "Whiske-palians"? Because whenever you find four, you'll always find a fifth.
> 
> The nice thing about Presbyterians is that when you put 4 in a room together you'll always get at least 6 opinions.
> 
> And this oldie but goodie: A man dies and goes to heaven. An angel shows him around and informs him that heaven is made up of many rooms in which are the various denominations. The angel takes him down a hallway upon which the man hears beautiful choral singing. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the Methodists. This is how they want to praise God." The angel takes the man a little further down the hallway and all of sudden the man hears clapping and tambourine music. "These are the charismatics," the angel explains. After several more such rooms (I've heard that the Presbyterian room had lots of snoring coming from it), the angel takes the man to the last room at the end of the hallway. The angel places his finger over his mouth and warns the man to be very, very quite. "Why?" the man asks. The angel answers, "Because this is the room with all the Baptists, and they think they're the only ones up here."
> I had a roommate in college who said he told that joke at a camp he worked at one summer (a Baptist camp). When he finished, no one was laughing!



I've heard the second one applied to Baptists too. As to the last one, I've been around many Southern Baptists that tell that on themselves. I love it!


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## Rich Koster

When was the first Hymn written? At the wedding in Cana. After Jesus changed the water into wine, 3 guys with empty cups walked up to the vat and started singing " What a friend we have in Jesus"

A serious point: Too many are like this today, they say I love Jesus, but when evaluated, for all the wrong reasons....


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## Pilgrim

A Baptist pastor was having trouble with attendance at the Wednesday prayer meeting. Eventually, it got to the point that he was the only one showing up. The next week he figured that "If you can't beat them, join them," so he stopped going himself. Four weeks later the deacons found out about it and fired him.


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## Rich Koster

During an altar call a cloud appears. When it dissipates, a figure dressed in red, holding a pitchfork appears. Everyone starts screaming and running out of the building..... everyone but this one old deacon. The figure asks "aren't you afraid"? The old deacon says "nope". The figure asks " do you know who I am?" The old deacon says "yep.....I've been married to your sister for 55 years".


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## Ivan

These are great! I haven't had time to read all of them, but the ones about Baptists are great!!


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## Mark Hettler

There were a Catholic, a Protestant, and a Christian Scientist in hell. The Catholic turned to the Protestant and said, "Why are you here?"

The Protestant replied, "I heard the Gospel many times but I refused to believe it. How about you?"

The Catholic replied, "I wasn't a very good person and I never went to confession."

The two then turned to the Christian Scientist and said, "Why are you here?"

The Christian Scientist replied, "I'm not here."


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## A.J.

Mark Hettler said:


> There were a Catholic, a Protestant, and a Christian Scientist in hell. The Catholic turned to the Protestant and said, "Why are you here?"
> 
> The Protestant replied, "I heard the Gospel many times but I refused to believe it. How about you?"
> 
> The Catholic replied, "I wasn't a very good person and I never went to confession."
> 
> The two then turned to the Christian Scientist and said, "Why are you here?"
> 
> The Christian Scientist replied, "I'm not here."





-----Added 2/21/2009 at 04:35:44 EST-----



> A Dictionary of Arminian Terms
> 
> All (1): All always means all. Yup, Jesus died for every single human, including those already dead and in hell, and even including himself.
> 
> All (2): (as to sin) If its related to sin, "all" doesn't include babies.
> 
> Amazing Grace: Horrible song composed by a Calvinist. Teaches wretched "doctrines of grace."
> 
> Argument (1): The mean things Calvinists do, means: a group of propositions wherein the truth of one is asserted on the basis of the evidence furnished by the others.
> 
> Argument (2): An unfortunate term for how Arminians lovingly discuss the glorious truth of Scripture, means: if it feels good, it probably is.
> 
> Arminius, Jacob: The first church father.
> 
> Assurance: Keep trying, hopefully you'll make it, but since you have libertarian free will, you could just flip sides one day. Never can tell.
> 
> Barney: Purple dinosaur currently being sued by Arminians over rights to the “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy fam-il-ly” song.
> 
> Bible: Cool book with stories that can be used as springboards into inspiring sermons about nothing to do with the text whatsoever. (See exegesis.)
> 
> Big Meany: Use this term when losing a debate with a Calvinist.
> 
> Brach Davidians: A Christian cult that believes in libertarian free will.
> 
> Calvinism: We love everyone, because God is love. Calvinists are devil worshipers, their God is the devil, and Calvinism is a devil worshipping doctrine. We love them.
> 
> Calvin, John: Satan incarnated.
> 
> Caner, Ergun: You don’t mess with.
> 
> Clause, Sanata: Cool story about a nice old man who loves all the children of the world and gives them what they want. Great way to teach Children about God. (See: Jesus loves the little children.)
> 
> Christian: Someone with fish bumper sticker on car who repeated a prayer after a pastor with a head-mic on.
> 
> Context: Another text that I can put together with the text at hand to render the meaning satisfactory to my philosophical preconceptions. Example: John 6:44 and John 12:32 (no surrounding verses allowed, please).
> 
> Dead (1): (as to Christ) Really, complete dead. Unable to see, hear, or respond to stimuli.
> 
> Dead (2): (as to Adam's posterity) Somewhat sick. It's hard to see, hear, or respond to the Gospel.
> 
> Determinism: False Calvinist teaching that God makes sure that his plan will come about.
> 
> Devil Worship: What Calvinism leads to. (Really.)
> 
> Drawing: Wooing. Usage example: "Drawing doesn't mean God will surely bring men to himself, he (now, pooch lips out, making a small opening, and, in a low voice say) woooos them."
> 
> Dude: Term used in sermon at least 15 times, makes us interesting to non-Christians (See missions.)
> 
> Edwards, Jonathan (1): A devil.
> 
> Edwards, Jonathan (2): He's some kind of TV celebrity, right?
> 
> Effectual call: Unbiblical Calvinist doctrine. Just as Calvinists try to make unwarranted leaps from physical death to spiritual death, they also make unwarranted leaps from earthly careers like "Shepherding," viz., "My sheep hear my voice, I know them, they follow me," to how God brings in his people in the flock, er fold, er, group.
> 
> Election: God's "choosing" of people who chose him first. Kind of like me "voting" for the president after November 4th, 2008.
> 
> Esau: A nation, that‘s it.
> 
> Evil: Something God cannot decree (except in the case of Jesus since God decreed his death at the purposeful hands of humans, and the only way an innocent man could be purposefully put to death is by murder. Hence, God decreed murder. Murder is evil. God decreed evil.).
> 
> Exegesis: What?
> 
> ....



See Paul Manata's entire post here.


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## discipulo

In a Charismatic Church at the end of the service the Pastor tells:

Those of you who want a coffee low your hand please.


----------



## moral necessity

A man walked into the ladies department store in a local mall. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the assistant.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the assistant, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras" 

Confused, the man asked what were the types. 

The assistant replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" 

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" 

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.


----------



## Mark Hettler

Mark Hettler said:


> There were a Catholic, a Protestant, and a Christian Scientist in hell. The Catholic turned to the Protestant and said, "Why are you here?"
> 
> The Protestant replied, "I heard the Gospel many times but I refused to believe it. How about you?"
> 
> The Catholic replied, "I wasn't a very good person and I never went to confession."
> 
> The two then turned to the Christian Scientist and said, "Why are you here?"
> 
> The Christian Scientist replied, "I'm not here."



There's a Word of Faith variation of this. The Catholic and Protestant have their "why are you here" dialog, and just then a Word-of-Faith-er walks by, waving his hands in the air, saying, "This is heaven. This is heaven. This is heaven."


----------



## Rich Koster

Is hell to late for positive confession? Let's ask Pastor Benny:worms


----------



## A5pointer

Why never take only 1 baptist fishing with you? He will drink all your beer.


----------



## cwjudyjr

I grew up in the Episcopal Church. 

We called ourselves Catholic Lite - 50% less guilt!


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## PointyHaired Calvinist

Levels of Reformedness:

AR - Almost Reformed (has only heard of R. C. Sproul)
BR - Barely Reformed (has heard of R. C. Sproul and thought about buying some of his tapes)
CR - Critically Reformed (more negative than John MacArthur on the Charasmatic movement)
DR - Doubtfully Reformed (only attends this church for the music) 
ER - Errantly Reformed (a Four Point Calvinist) 
FR - Fantastically Reformed (owns a set of Calvin's Commentaries) 
GR - Grossly Reformed (the kid you would want your daughter to date but not marry) 
HR - Hopefully Reformed (the kid you would want your daughter to marry for his money but you would keep his name on your prayer list) 
IR - Incredibly Reformed (even the Session doesn't believe half of what this guy believes) 
LR - Loudly Reformed (maybe right, maybe wrong, but never in doubt) 
MR - Mostly Reformed (watches football on Sunday afternoons with the family and reviews the Shorter Catechism during halftime) 
NR - Newly Reformed (has recently begun attending a Reformed church and has had to buy a new bookshelf for all the additional reading material) 
PR - Possibly Reformed (spoke up once at Bible Church and told to try the PCA) 
SR - Staunchly Reformed (can quote limited sections of the Shorter Catechism and the Confession of Faith) 
TR - Truly Reformed (has memorized the entire Shorter Catechism and can quote the Confession of Faith by chapter and section)


----------



## Marrow Man

Nice list, Jonathan! I blogged about it here and added a few of my own!


----------



## Rich Koster

Three childhood friends gather together every year to go deer hunting. One is a lawyer, one is a doctor and the other a Baptist Pastor. About five minutes from the car they all spot a huge buck and simultaneously fire. The deer falls dead on the spot. The lawyer yells out "it must be mine and I claim it by law of first mention" The doctor says "friends, let me examine the body and I will be able to tell who bagged it by the angle of the shot". They all agree. The doctor goes over to the buck and almost immediately come back. He looks at his Pastor friend and says "the buck is yours". "How can you tell?" the Pastor asks. The doc says "because the shot went in one ear and out the other".


----------

