# A query about divorce (when is it permissible?)



## Montanablue (Mar 21, 2009)

I recently found out that my aunt (who is a Christian although not reformed) is divorcing my uncle. I was initially shocked that she would do such a thing, but after hearing the details, I wonder if she is, perhaps, justified. My uncle has left her for another woman and is now living with said woman. Although my aunt has tried to set up counseling appointments for them both, he has only attended once. This has been going on for about 8 months. The reason that she decided to initiate the divorce is that he has begun to spend their money and run up their credit (they have joint bank accounts, credit cards, and both hold the deed to their house). A few months ago, she had no money to pay her electric bill as he had spent everything in their joint checking account. 

Of course, I know that God "hates" divorce, but then in Matthew 5:31, Jesus says “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’a 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Since my uncle is actively having an affair and has no remorse, I wonder if she is biblically corrrect to divorce him. I have talked to some other reformed people about the issue, and I've heard mixed reactions. A few have said that as he is still the head of the household, he is free to spend the money as he likes. I question this because he's leaving his wife without sufficient funds to feed herself and pay the bills.

At any rate, what do the PBers think? Any additional scripture that applies would be most welcome too.


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## Theoretical (Mar 21, 2009)

Absolutely justifed. Matthew 5:32

I have extreme problems with the idea he is within his rights to impoverish her while sharing another woman's bed.

This is both desertion and adultery.

This situation breaks my heart to read.  for you and for her.


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## Montanablue (Mar 21, 2009)

Thank you for the WCF reference! I am still "newly reformed" and although I've read it through, I'm not as familiar with it as I would like.


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## SolaScriptura (Mar 21, 2009)

Montanablue said:


> I have talked to some other reformed people about the issue, and I've heard mixed reactions. A few have said that as he is still the head of the household, he is free to spend the money as he likes.



Whoever said that is a moron. And you can take that to the bank.

Unfortunately, your uncle has broken the covenant he made with both God and your aunt. He has committed adultery and he has abandoned his wife. To add insult to injury, to the extent that the joint account contains money that she has earned, he is stealing from her. And for him to take the money knowing that she has financial obligations to meet demonstrates a very callous heart.

She should pray for his repentance, but at this point she needs to “cut sling load” (as they say in the Air Assault community).


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## Scott Shahan (Mar 21, 2009)




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## Scottish Lass (Mar 21, 2009)

Theoretical said:


> Absolutely justifed. Matthew 5:32
> 
> I have extreme problems with the idea he is within his rights to impoverish her while sharing another woman's bed.
> 
> ...


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## Edward (Mar 21, 2009)

There are two separate, but interrelated issues here. 

First the spiritual one. From your description, it does sound like she has Biblical grounds for divorce. If she is a member of a true church (one, which among other things, properly administers church discipline), she should turn to her elders for guidance. Reconciliation is preferable to divorce, but divorce can be permissible. But this is a decision that shouldn't be made alone. It should be made after obtaining proper counsel from the elders.

The other issue concerns protecting herself. Whether or not she gets a divorce, she should see a lawyer about taking the steps necessary to protect herself - separate bank accounts, separating the credit obligations to the extent possible (note that agreements between the parties, even when reflected in a court order, may not be binding on lenders), etc.


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## Montanablue (Mar 21, 2009)

Edward said:


> There are two separate, but interrelated issues here.
> 
> First the spiritual one. From your description, it does sound like she has Biblical grounds for divorce. If she is a member of a true church (one, which among other things, properly administers church discipline), she should turn to her elders for guidance. Reconciliation is preferable to divorce, but divorce can be permissible. But this is a decision that shouldn't be made alone. It should be made after obtaining proper counsel from the elders.
> 
> The other issue concerns protecting herself. Whether or not she gets a divorce, she should see a lawyer about taking the steps necessary to protect herself - separate bank accounts, separating the credit obligations to the extent possible (note that agreements between the parties, even when reflected in a court order, may not be binding on lenders), etc.



Since she discovered that he was draining her bank account, I believe she has taken steps to protect herself (opening a bank account in just her name and having her paychecks deposited there instead etc). 

As well, I know that she has set up appointments and meetings with her church leadership. I'm unsure what her church's role in all of this has been. Like I said, she's a Christian, but not reformed (she's United Methodist) and not being familiar with the Methodist church, I'm unsure as to how they would likely deal with this. We're very friendly with each other, but we're not really close about our personal lives, so I hesitate to pry too much into what I am sure is a painful subject for her. 

Thanks to everyone for the responses. I have a very very small circle of reformed friends, and so I appreciate the insights.


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## Blueridge Believer (Mar 22, 2009)

It is obvious your aunt, bless her heart, is married to a hell bound reprobate. He has proven this by his unrepentant behaviour. To brother Joshua's posting of the confession I'll add this passage of scripture:



1Co 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. 
1Co 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. 
1Co 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.


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## Michael (Mar 22, 2009)

Blueridge Believer said:


> It is obvious your aunt, bless her heart, is married to a hell bound reprobate. He has proven this by his unrepentant behaviour.



Hell bound if he continues, yes. But I think we should be cautious to stamp him as reprobate so quickly. From *WCF XV.IV*: _As there is no sin so small but it deserves damnation; so there is no sin so great that it can bring damnation upon those who truly repent._ We should pray toward the latter as God may yet grant him repentance (see also *WCF V.V*). The aunt, however, is by no means bound to 'wait and find out'.




> To brother Joshua's posting of the confession I'll add this passage of scripture:
> 
> 1Co 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
> 1Co 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
> 1Co 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.



Amen.


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## A.J. (Mar 23, 2009)

Montanablue said:


> At any rate, what do the PBers think? Any additional scripture that applies would be most welcome too.



Kathleen, the PCA has a position paper defending the Reformed consensus on the validity of divorce and remarriage in cases of adultery and desertion. The paper is well-written because it examines and responds to objections to this view. The position paper (which is divided into several chapters) may be accesed in this page: PCA Historical Center: Index to the Position Papers of the Presbyterian Church in America. Look under the heading "Divorce and Remarriage." The chapter that deals directly with your concern is chapter 2: Scriptural Perspective on Divorce and Remarriage.


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## Montanablue (Mar 23, 2009)

A.J. said:


> Montanablue said:
> 
> 
> > At any rate, what do the PBers think? Any additional scripture that applies would be most welcome too.
> ...



I haven't been able to read it through yet (just skimmed it since I'm out the door to work in few minutes), but that looks extremely helpful. Thank you.


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## Scott1 (Mar 23, 2009)

Only one other thought. The Westminster Confession summarizes the doctrine of scripture on this clearly. Understand this carefully, the innocent party is not _commanded_ to do so, but _may_ do so. That is, God does not require that kind of undue burden to be born by an innocent party and therefore allows exception but still leaves a door open for reconciliation, if desired by the innocent party.

The case you describe sounds awful and gives biblical grounds, but understand biblically, there have been cases of reconciliation even from cases of this kind of immorality (and understand the adultery was repented of, forsaken, accountability instituted, grieving and reconciliation sought, etc. No easy process, but with God, all things are possible).

You may also find helpful studying the Scripture proofs to this section of the Westminster Confession:



> [11] MAT 1:18 Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. 19 Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily. 20 But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.
> 
> [12] MAT 5:31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: 32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
> 
> ...


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