# "Your spouse will fail you, but God won't"



## deleteduser99 (Mar 12, 2014)

I can't deny there's wisdom in realizing that the one whom you marry (or are married to) is a fallen sinner saved by grace and renewed, although imperfectly; and that they will occasionally fail to let their yes be yes or their no be no, that they will have deficiencies in their responsibilities toward you, and that at times you'll be surprised at what you see (and not in a pleasant way). You cannot look to a husband or wife to be your fullness of joy, because that place truly only belongs to God.

Though, I see variations of the phrase in the title repeated a lot, and I think that when phrases get repeated often, they lose their original value and sense; and sometimes, there's a subtext to the phrase which starts to take on meaning. So, when someone tells you to remember that your spouse will fail you at times though God will never fail you, no doubt many times they mean to emphasize the former, and mean to communicate that God is first, foremost, and entirely sufficient for you. But still, that former phrase (will spouse will fail you) can take a life of its own.

Do you think phrases like the above ones can actually do damage to a marriage? How wise is it to live with an expectation that your spouse will fail you? Shouldn't two born-again Christians reasonably expect the opposite of each other? There seems to be a thin line between trusting God first and plain mistrust of your spouse. For a marriage to work you must certainly have some trust--no, full trust!--in your spouse even if it means that you will (unintentionally) be hurt. And if that trust is well-founded, your spouse will sincerely (though imperfectly) fulfill their role in the marriage, and it's hard to think of a spouse living in obedience to God's command as being characterized by failure. And if a marriage will in any sense be good, it _depends_ on both spouses not being failures in their roles, but rather a success, finishing their work well. And to give this train of thought more practical bearing, it would sting not a little in my future married life if I somehow sinned against my bride-to-be and someone off the cuff just remarked to her, "Well your husband will fail you, but God won't."

Another thing: it seems that if you have a spirit of love and charity as found in 1 Corinthians 13, then your tendency will be to maximize the good you see in your spouse, and minimize their weaknesses and shortcomings as far as both love and truth will allow you to. I can't see this your-spouse-will-fail-you-but-God-won't colloquialism doing that.

Like I said, I understand what is intended. But it also seems to cast a spouse into the light of being insufficient to their husband or wife and becoming a fifth wheel (contra the spirit of Ephesians 4). Adam certainly needed Eve, was lonely without her, and that was _before_ sin. You don't want to inflate the role of a husband or wife, but it doesn't seem wise to minimize it either.

Any thoughts?


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## KMK (Mar 12, 2014)

Harley said:


> How wise is it to live with an expectation that your spouse will fail you?



As Christians, our standards for holiness are set very high. In fact, they are set impossibly high. However, if in this life you set your expectations of anyone, including yourself, at that same bar, you will be continually disappointed. Therefore, keep your standards high, but your expectations low (or realistic).


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## Alan D. Strange (Mar 12, 2014)

Harley:

It is typical for men and women, particularly entering into marriage or early in marriage, to look to each other for what only God can give. I am speaking of believers, of course. Thus there is wisdom in remembering, and reminding one another, that the best of us, whoever that is, fail regularly (if we understand the law properly, we understand this) and that we ought not to put on others a weight that neither they nor we can bear and that, if we do, we are bound to be disappointed. 

I grant you the statement can be made in a way that is jaded and rather despairing of marriage. On the other hand, we should come to see more and more that the Triune God alone is the one who never fails. We fail others. Others fail us. We must not look to others for that which God alone can provide. We must look to Him who never fails. Our trust is in Him in a way that it is properly in no one else.

Do I trust my wife? I do. And I've increased in that in the years of our marriage. She's given me every reason to do so and I believe her to be trustworthy. And yet, we both fall so far short of what we should be toward our God and toward each other. We both see this and this prompts us to seek to trust Him more and more and to grow in our love and trust of each other. 

If this is said with a heavy sigh that causes me to dismiss my spouse or minimize my failings, then the statement is simply an expression of frustration or an excuse. If it's said, however, in a way that causes me all the more to cast myself on Him and Him alone, even as I give myself more and more to my wife, then it's a good thing. 

Perhaps you should make a list as to why this sort of statement so offends you and examine that list in the light of God's Word, asking Him to direct your paths in this regard. May the Lord richly bless you and your wife in Him in your upcoming marriage.

Peace,
Alan


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## MarieP (Mar 12, 2014)

KMK said:


> As Christians, our standards for holiness are set very high. In fact, they are set impossibly high. However, if in this life you set your expectations of anyone, including yourself, at that same bar, you will be continually disappointed. Therefore, keep your standards high, but your expectations low (or realistic).



Amen. I think the quote in the OP is a very helpful reminder for any human relationship! Brother, I don't quite understand why you believe it could be detrimental? 

You said:



Harley said:


> But it also seems to cast a spouse into the light of being insufficient to their husband or wife



I actually believe that's the whole point! The spouse isn't sufficient! They need God to give them love, longsuffering, and forgiveness. Sure, the believing spouse is transformed by grace and is indwelt and being filled with the Holy Spirit. But they will fail, and they will fail you. I agree with Ken and Pastor Strange. As one who finds it easy to put people on a pedestal, and as one who knows what it's like to fail others, I need to remember this every day.


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## Andrew P.C. (Mar 12, 2014)

Harley,

There is great wisdom that was said in these posts. I think what helped me to understand this was a book called "When Sinners Say I Do". I'm still young in my marriage (4 years.. 5 in December. Praise God!) but I know that the only way to view marriage is to view it through Christ. The picture is given to us in Ephesians 5:


> 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
> 
> 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.



I have learned so far that my wife is a sinner, just as I am. We still have that old nature and struggle with it everyday (Rom. 7). We must show each other grace and love each other with a merciful heart. 

I was reminded of what I was taught in the Marine Corps concerning every event or operation we did, but I think this applies: "Hope for the best but expect the worst". Now I'm not saying expect your wife to do the worst thing or be the worst person, but the principle applies. I keep in mind that, although we are evil and wretched, my wife and myself have been bought by the very precious blood of Christ, therefore I will love her as I ought to the best of my abilities as a sinner, yet I will fail her everyday to do so. This is why Christ is my strength, because I am weak.

Hope this helps.


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## kodos (Mar 12, 2014)

I believe statements such as this one are not meant to cast the spouse in a negative light, but to enable us to keep them in a _positive_ one. 

By keeping our expectations for our spouse in check, we are enabled by God's grace to treat them graciously, and to cover over their sins in love. That when my wife falls short of the glory of God, that I look at her and see a sinner that God loved so much that Jesus died for her. And if Jesus loves her like that, then how cold indeed is my own that I might have any sort thought of disappointment or anger towards her.

1 Peter 4:8 - And above all things have fervent love (charity) for one another, for “love (charity) will cover a multitude of sins.” 

How different would our homes, churches and Christian fellowships be if we would spend time each morning to meditate deeply upon this verse!


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## Free Christian (Mar 12, 2014)

Your spouse will fail you but God wont. Not a personal lover of those sayings to be honest. Heard them used and yes I have seen them have negative effect.


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## deleteduser99 (Mar 23, 2014)

Alan D. Strange said:


> Harley:
> 
> It is typical for men and women, particularly entering into marriage or early in marriage, to look to each other for what only God can give. I am speaking of believers, of course. Thus there is wisdom in remembering, and reminding one another, that the best of us, whoever that is, fail regularly (if we understand the law properly, we understand this) and that we ought not to put on others a weight that neither they nor we can bear and that, if we do, we are bound to be disappointed.
> 
> ...



How this came about is because my fiancee and I are going through "Preparing for Marriage God's Way" by Wayne Mack, and what struck me in the book (and from other sources) is the need to cover the sins of one another as well as we can without denying truth or permitting sin. Between the book, studying 1 Corinthians 13, Matthew Henry's commentary, and a piece on candour by John Newton, it crossed my mind that perhaps it had some bearing on phrases like the one above. There's a very proper place for phrases like in the thread title, as everyone here has demonstrated, and as I make more discoveries of my own sin I hope that my fiancee will be all the more persuaded to look first and foremost to God. So the slogan is good within proper parameters. My goal here is to just think out the parameters, and just ask myself if the phrase does justice to a spouse.

So, applying what I've learned, I asked myself, "Does a slogan like this really help me to love my future wife? Will it help me love her in married life, and think the best of her?" Well, that depends on how you want to use it. If the emphasis is on God's power and complete sufficiency for you, single or married, then that's where it's a wise and true statement. We'll find enough sin in the very godliest to make us shudder, and I think I can reasonably say that we're not as far along in our sanctification as others. So it will remove burdens from both of our backs which no one is able to bear.

Though, where the cows jump the fence is when you fail to see the good that God does through your spouse. Suppose (may it never be!) that some years down the road we become cold and indifferent, suspicious of each other, neither of us feeling satisfied with the other, or maybe a controversy arises between us... the natural instinct in that situation is to think that your spouse is failing in their responsibility toward you. It would not be right of me to say in that moment, "Well people will fail you, but God will never fail me." I'd certainly never say it to anyone whose marriage was on the rocks.

That's a bit more extreme of the misapplication I have in mind. In another example I can say my pastor is a man like I am, though I could never categorize him as a failure. He is regular, faithful, constant in his duties as a pastor, and indisputably qualified. It goes without saying that I know I must depend first and foremost on God, yet my pastor's ministry to me has been good and fruitful, and I could never describe his oversight using the word "fail." Men will fail you, God will never fail you, but whatever his sins and failures may be, he's still an elder worthy of double honor. It also stands too that even though men fail and God never fails, our road to the celestial city would be much rougher without faithful pastors.

So, applying that to marriage, I know we'll see many sins in each other, and many failings. But my hope is that, though she's sinful flesh like I am, that I will often be saying, "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." I'm sure that Lemuel's mother knew her son would marry a sinner, no matter how sanctified she is, but that's the end thing said about the godly woman, whatever may be said of her sins and failings. To use the examples I gave in my first post, God said "It is not good for man to be alone", and we know that marriage is purposed (among many things) for helping one another on to godliness. We know from Ephesians 4 that we need other Christians in order to grow up into Christ. The implication of both examples is that we'd have many more troubles if the spouse or the fellow believers were not in place.

So, it seems that would be one way to have a spirit of love and candour during rough patches.

Part of the reason for doing this too is because I've found by experience that slogans are easily to misapply even if they are true. Sometimes they are only half true. It's good to make sure these are words in season when they are used.



MarieP said:


> KMK said:
> 
> 
> > As Christians, our standards for holiness are set very high. In fact, they are set impossibly high. However, if in this life you set your expectations of anyone, including yourself, at that same bar, you will be continually disappointed. Therefore, keep your standards high, but your expectations low (or realistic).
> ...



I think perhaps I used the word "sufficient" in a double sense, and that probably wasn't helpful. If I do put my fiancee before God, and expect to find in her what I can only find God, then I am certainly guilty of idolatry.

At the same time, marriage is ordained by God, and by God's own words, "It's not good for man to be alone." If the Lord had Moses pen that for our instruction in godliness, I have to infer from it that even in a sinful and fallen world, that by the grace of God a spouse may be more characterized by the good that they do for you than the ways in which they fail you. Eve was "sufficient" for Adam in that God put her with Adam to help him complete the work he was given to do, and he would not do so well were she not there. God was perfectly sufficient for Adam, but He even said that Adam needed some help.

The post is meant in the spirit of my previous reading; that is, learning to think the very best you can about a person without denying truth or excusing sins. And even when you see sin, be as charitable as you can. I need to exercise myself in a spirit of love. And like I said above, I'd rather be sure it was a word spoken in season (I typically find such slogans, even when true in the form of words, are misapplied, and can be unhelpful).


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## a mere housewife (Mar 23, 2014)

I can appreciate the reaction against this phrase. I hate the jaded sound of so many things we say about marriage. The sweetest part -- the depth of trust and love in marriage -- is that it is an institution that is not for perfect people, but is formed to handle the reality that people are deeply flawed. In this it truly is a reflection of how Christ loves the church. That I can trust my husband with the most intimate record of my daily faults, trust him to pick me up time and again, to still delight in me and when I try to remind him of all my truly memorable failings to say 'I don't remember those things: I only remember (something kind)' -- that is too full for words. Ruben is my true friend. I trust him more than I could anyone else -- because I trust him with the failure that I can't show anyone else. (There is plenty of failure that anyone who knows me can see 

Yet that whole paradigm is premised on the reality that everyone will fail everyone, except Christ -- and that this universal failure puts real strain on our relationships. We are so terribly fragile and so terribly blind, corrupt, still full of selfish hatred in ways we don't even fathom, weak to the core, prone to wander in so many ways (even from our Lord). We are all seeking our own life, most of all, in one another -- or at least, to avoid self-death. Love is the area where this comes out the most, not the least. Anyone who is steadfast to another human being must contend with the reality of their own, and the other's corruption -- not just as an idea, but as a long, bitter experience. Christ had to contend with it, and it cost Him everything. He was crucified because of the strain our failure put on the relationship. We can't give the kind of love that can look back and see only something kind in one another unless we are relying on His unfailing love -- picking us up when we fall, seeing the best in us every day, forgetting our sins -- and we are giving to one another out of His fullness.

So, I don't like the jaded sound -- I wouldn't wish to simply give that one liner as the whole impression of my marriage -- but I can see that it is quite true, that its being true is actually, as Rom cited, what enables Christians to love each other in a way that is sweet and idealistic.


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