# Is It Ever Ok to Live With Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend



## Quatchu (Apr 6, 2011)

I was talking to my best friend the other day, he is a Christian who has been seriously dating a girl for about two years now. He told me about a complicated situation he is in right now. His girlfriend has been living in a house with another girl since last year and all was going good until for personal reasons her roommate moved out. Basically the landlords let some guy move in without any consent from my friends gf. Basically she tried to get out of the lease however the landlords would not allow. This guy basically has very perverse attitude towards her, added to the fact that she has been sexually assaulted in the past she is not comfortable being alone with this guy. In order to keep her comfortable and safe my friend has been spending the night for last month at his girlfriends so that she has some semblance of safety within her home. This will go on until the end of this month when her lease will run out and she will be able to get a new place.

This raised the question as to whether it is ever ok to live with ones boyfriend or girlfriend?


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## Kevin (Apr 6, 2011)

Are there engaged?


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## Quatchu (Apr 6, 2011)

No they currently are not engaged


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## jayce475 (Apr 6, 2011)

This sounds like a pastoral issue and ought to be handled by his church leadership. Removed from your friend's full context, it's unfair for anyone here to give a definitive answer.


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## Jack K (Apr 6, 2011)

Is it ever okay? Yes, we could probably come up with an unusual scenario it which it'd be the right thing to do. Your friend's story may even qualify. But as others have said, it's hard to be definitive about that without knowing much more about them and their situation.


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## smhbbag (Apr 6, 2011)

Wait a minute - the landlord threw some random guy into her same apartment without her consent?! I'm no lawyer, but that is utterly outrageous and unacceptable. I also have no idea how that is legal. I fully understand and applaud your friend's desire to help her.

Assuming they are believers - have they asked for the help of their church? Other believing friends?

If so, and there is no substantive help offered by anyone who can do so appropriately (an older married couple, other single ladies), then all I have to say is SHAME, SHAME, and MORE SHAME on the body and "friends" that would not help the poor girl stuck in this.

Somebody has to have a couch and storage room for her stuff. This girl should be having to turn away a dozen offers for places to stay. If they don't have couches - they have floors and blankets. Any "church" that won't help at least that much in this situation does not deserve that name.

But, if it is really the case that no help like that is available, the options are very narrow indeed. Living under the same roof with a girlfriend must truly be the last resort. Can she sleep at his place, and he sleep in his car or somewhere else? Assuming he lives alone or has Christian roommates, even that would be preferable. 

Whatever other options are there, including her sleeping in her own car somewhere, they cannot be worse than having her under the same roof with a creep like you describe. The boyfriend being there to protect her may not be sufficient.

I'll be praying for them. This is the definition of messed up.


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## TimV (Apr 6, 2011)

I share Jeremy's concerns and suspicions about that particular situation but leaving that aside I doubt it's any of the church's business. It may or may not be the best, especially if they're not engaged, but I don't see how an elder has any business doing anything other than give his opinion.


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## LawrenceU (Apr 6, 2011)

Sure it is okay . . . after they say, 'I do.'


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## he beholds (Apr 6, 2011)

If it were me, I'd continue to pay the rent, b/c I had to, but I'd move back home or move in w/someone else or just about anything. Are these people in America? This is a little hard to believe that in America a landlord can add people to the space he rented to others. 

The bf could really step it up and marry her. I'm sure after two years he knows whether he's going to marry her.


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## SolaScriptura (Apr 6, 2011)

I agree with Jeremy.

This sounds really fishy.


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## JennyG (Apr 6, 2011)

SolaScriptura said:


> I agree with Jeremy.
> 
> This sounds really fishy.



me too. It doesn'tsound as if it could possibly be legal. She ought to be able to sue! That wouldn't help her much right at this moment of course - but if she moved out to sleep elsewhere while still paying rent, she certainly ought to be able to get her money back afterwards.
And of course, it SOMETIMES is ok for an unmarried couple to sleep under the same roof. It partly depends on the roof (and who else and how many are also under it).
If one goes to the other's family home to visit for eg, it surely isn't the custom over the Atlantic for the visitor to sleep in the garage 


....oh sorry, the OP said "live with" meaning not just a temporary arrangement. Whatever happens in this case though, it will be temporary


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## jwithnell (Apr 6, 2011)

I had a friend that was living on a farm where there was a homicide (one of her employees). Since it was both her home and workplace she couldn't go stay with someone else. Her fiance brought his rifle and set up a tent in the yard.


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## torstar (Apr 6, 2011)

Oh yes, the "complicated situation."

That's a tough mountain to drive a team of horses up.


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## Zenas (Apr 6, 2011)

She needs to find out if the Uniform Residential Landlord Tenant Act (URLTA) has been adopted in her area and do some research. There might be a provision that she could avail herself of.


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## seajayrice (Apr 6, 2011)

Actually, the situation described is not uncommon in college towns where landlords rent out rooms not whole houses. Not much different than many campus housing arrangements.


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## Joseph Scibbe (Apr 6, 2011)

If this happened to me I would move out. I am not a lawyer but I am pretty sure you can't just stick someone else in the house that you are already renting. Is there a lawyer at your church that could look at this and figure out the situation? I think in this case that I would be the first person to be sleeping in front of her door at night to protect her.


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## Skyler (Apr 6, 2011)

He's been dating her for two years?

Maybe this is a subtle hint from God telling them they need to get on with it and get married.


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## Quatchu (Apr 6, 2011)

smhbbag said:


> Wait a minute - the landlord threw some random guy into her same apartment without her consent?! I'm no lawyer, but that is utterly outrageous and unacceptable. I also have no idea how that is legal. I fully understand and applaud your friend's desire to help her.



From what my friend told me that is what happened and I really agree that it can't be legal.



smhbbag said:


> But, if it is really the case that no help like that is available, the options are very narrow indeed. Living under the same roof with a girlfriend must truly be the last resort. Can she sleep at his place, and he sleep in his car or somewhere else? Assuming he lives alone or has Christian roommates, even that would be preferable.



My friend lives in a big house with 4 other Christians, she was staying in there spare room when this first happened. However to spite my friend (he and his roommates have been having issues) they called the landlord and and said she spent to much time there and the landlord said she was no longer allowed there.



he beholds said:


> Are these people in America?



No this is in Canada.


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## Zenas (Apr 6, 2011)

Nevermind. Canada hates freedom. (The URLTA is an American statute.)


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## Mike Southerland (Apr 6, 2011)

My question is, "Where is this girl's father?" Why is she living "alone" before marriage anyway? I know that's not a popular stance, but that's how it's going to be in our family. A lady should be protected by her father until marriage, then by her husband afterward. If this was observed, this would not be an issue. Not to mention the question of "why are they dating?" Dating is simply practice for divorce.

Courtship...under the close scrutiny of her father, would have made all the difference in the world in this case.


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## MarieP (Apr 6, 2011)

Quatchu said:


> My friend lives in a big house with 4 other Christians, she was staying in there spare room when this first happened. However to spite my friend (he and his roommates have been having issues) they called the landlord and and said she spent to much time there and the landlord said she was no longer allowed there.



Yikes...it's getting stickier and stickier! Surely her church can help her out. It's only until the end of the month! I also thought it was a good point about them getting married soon. At any rate, if she stayed, she would not only have to deal with this other guy she's scared of but with the attraction she feels for her boyfriend.


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## smhbbag (Apr 6, 2011)

Justin, thanks for adding some more details. Very distressing.

Maybe they can call other non-church sources of aid. If she is being forced to live with a man she is scared of, and has no other options, I would think a battered women's shelter or other public/charity refuge for such women may be willing to help her.

I hate debt, but debt would be worth it if that could get her out. I assume she has not already left because she/they don't have the money to pay two leases at once. With no other option, borrow the money and move anyway. It may be difficult to get a personal loan, so even a creative use of credit cards could work. The church should be willing to foot this bill for her, but if they won't give her a couch/floor to sleep on, that certainly isn't going to happen.

Where exactly is this? PB folks have a lot of connections, and may be able to help make something happen. I'd want leadership from the moderators on how to handle it appropriately (verification, liability issues, etc.), but even donations from PB members would seem reasonable.

I'll repeat that this is messed up. But it needs to be solved.


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## Theoretical (Apr 6, 2011)

smhbbag said:


> Justin, thanks for adding some more details. Very distressing.
> 
> Maybe they can call other non-church sources of aid. If she is being forced to live with a man she is scared of, and has no other options, I would think a battered women's shelter or other public/charity refuge for such women may be willing to help her.
> 
> ...


 
What Jeremy said.


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## Quatchu (Apr 6, 2011)

Just a heads up on this situation. I got a hold of my friend as I have a few connections near were he lives and was going to offer to make some calls to find some solutions. To find out some people from his parents church (also my old church) have offered her a room until her lease expires and she can get a new place. So it seems things are looking up.


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## smhbbag (Apr 6, 2011)

Praise God.


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## LawrenceU (Apr 6, 2011)

Mike Southerland said:


> My question is, "Where is this girl's father?"



Precisely.


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## Theoretical (Apr 6, 2011)

LawrenceU said:


> Mike Southerland said:
> 
> 
> > My question is, "Where is this girl's father?"
> ...



Many times, he's not in the picture or worse, only makes situations like this worse. And in those circumstances, the mother might well not be a sound influence or protector either. This isn't to say that's a good thing, but I've known enough Godly young women with terrible fathers that sometimes this happens. Of course when it does, families in their churches should make a point to try to mentor and guide the young woman in the absence of a good father.

Situations like these also give me great reinforcement on being a Godly, serious father when the time comes for me to marry and have children.


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## TimV (Apr 6, 2011)

Just looking at my immediate circle of Christian friends probably 10% of young women go from their father's household to their husbands. That percentage may be a bit high, though.

Is it really different in other parts of the country? I'm talking what really happens, not what people plan.


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## Kevin (Apr 6, 2011)

Zenas said:


> Nevermind. Canada hates freedom. (The URLTA is an American statute.)


 
Huh? jk?


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## Edward (Apr 6, 2011)

Kevin said:


> Zenas said:
> 
> 
> > Nevermind. Canada hates freedom. (The URLTA is an American statute.)
> ...


 
Probably needs a thread of its own.


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## BertMulder (Apr 6, 2011)

Zenas said:


> Nevermind. Canada hates freedom. (The URLTA is an American statute.)


 
so what are you doing about liberating us? Aren't you Americans supposed to help out your northern friends, just like you help the Iraqis, the Lybians, the 'you name it'?


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## JennyG (Apr 7, 2011)

BertMulder said:


> Originally Posted by Zenas
> Nevermind. Canada hates freedom. (The URLTA is an American statute.)
> so what are you doing about liberating us? Aren't you Americans supposed to help out your northern friends, just like you help the Iraqis, the Lybians, the 'you name it'?



What Bert said - then when you've sorted Canada, you can come over here and help us (as the Macedonian said)


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## jogri17 (Apr 7, 2011)

TimV said:


> I share Jeremy's concerns and suspicions about that particular situation but leaving that aside I doubt it's any of the church's business. It may or may not be the best, especially if they're not engaged, but I don't see how an elder has any business doing anything other than give his opinion.



Well, it is the Church's business presuming they are members. I don't get how you think the lives of church members are none of the concern of the wider body of Christ.


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## TimV (Apr 7, 2011)

> Well, it is the Church's business presuming they are members. I don't get how you think the lives of church members are none of the concern of the wider body of Christ.



If you don't get it, then you should study up on sphere sovereignty. If an elder in my church told me what kind of shoes to wear or what kind of house to by or which city to live in or whether or not I could live with my girlfriend for a few weeks I'd politely tell them it's none of their business and if they pursued things I'd send them a certified letter and have the presbytery educate them.


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## NaphtaliPress (Apr 7, 2011)

Thread's done; start new ones for the leftover trails.


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