# Travelling missionary dilemma - how to turn down housing offers



## Pergamum (May 6, 2014)

Hello,


Well...I am back in the USA, basing out of Saint Louis but travelling much over the next months.

As I make travel plans, here is a common dilemma:

As I make plans to visit churches on weekends, sometimes the pastors or church-people graciously offer that I stay with them in their homes.

This is really a blessed dilemma that shows the love, care, and hospitality of the people that invite us to visit them. However, travel can be wearing and I am also wanting to use "off-hours" during travel to write and prepare for other occasions and to finish reports. 

I am aware that I am a guest. But I also feel a need to have some privacy and solitude and "off-time" during travels as well. Staying in someone's house does show hospitality, but sleeping on a couch or having a family clear out a room for us also is embarrassing. We are also going on a special diet (trying to get fit to go back to the jungle) and sometimes families have really gone overboard in baking for us (what a wonderful predicament to have people wanting to cook good food for you).

We've have wonderful experiences of dinners and talks into the night. We've also had stressful times of trying to keep the kids (who've been riding in a car for hours and hours) from running around in another person's home. 

Overall, we've been bombarded by love and hospitality. And staying in homes does help us save money and both lodging and meals and for that we should be enormously grateful. Also, we have so many fond memories of really getting to know people this way. However, to be truthful, we are still really exhausted from the field (I have 4 emails from the field right now and cannot even open them today...my stomach got knotty just thinking about thinking of the field). 

We often try to get a Hampton Inn because we know how the layout of every hotel is (a sense of familiarity) and I can workout at night (a big relaxer).

What is your advice as I communicate with churches? When should I stay at homes and when should I stay at hotels? What is normal?


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## Pergamum (May 6, 2014)

or should I just see this as a necessary part of my calling and submit to any wishes of the person/church who invites us (i.e., if we are there to serve, we have already relinquished control over our time and our schedule). After all, everything they offer is out of love and in an effort to further bless us.


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## Hamalas (May 6, 2014)

Perhaps you could just type up an explanation of your situation (much like what you've shared here) that you could e-mail to churches before you come visit. That way they can know that you see and appreciate their love and care but that its actually a better fit to stay in a hotel.


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## earl40 (May 6, 2014)

Pergamum said:


> And on one occasion the pastor proceeded to question my son on his catechism questions to "check to see if your dad has been catechizing you."



Ok what is the answer to question #130 of The Heidelberg Catechism...no GOOGLE allowed.


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## Hamalas (May 6, 2014)

earl40 said:


> Pergamum said:
> 
> 
> > And on one occasion the pastor proceeded to question my son on his catechism questions to "check to see if your dad has been catechizing you."
> ...



Is that the question which references Psalm 152:15?


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## Leslie (May 6, 2014)

Explaining your need for down time will probably not be offensive. Maybe you can offer to house-and-pet-sit for someone who is off vacationing for a week or weekend. If you explain that house-sitting is an ideal, then a family might just take a weekend vacation for your convenience. Their natural inclination would be to stay around to meet your needs if they are not told otherwise. 
We used to do that for missionaries; hid the key amongst the potatoes in the root cellar. They let themselves in and left the house in a livable condition. Nothing was missing or ruined, and they were very appreciative of not having to live with another family (i.e. us). We also pet-sat for a family that were off on some sort of tour. They appreciated our doing it.


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## Jack K (May 6, 2014)

We had some of the same issues when I was growing up in a missionary family. Sometimes host churches even separated our family because a single host home couldn't fit all (six) of us. Partly, this is just what you get as a missionary and you have to accept it with grace an gratitude. But I do think you can hint at some of these issues with the contact person at these churches... perhaps something like this:

"Regarding accomodations: We have often had delightful stays with host families from churches we visit. We're glad to accept such hospitality if you have a family that has the space and the desire to serve us in this way. A host home can be a wonderful experience! However, a hotel room is a good option too. A hotel allows us to relax, get necessary work done, and enjoy some private family time. So especially if space is limited in a host home and we would be imposing on that family, please don't feel bad about having us stay in a hotel room. It may be just the break we ourselves need at that point in our schedule."

A comment like that is honest while still expressing gratitude and flexibility, which are good missionary qualities. It hints that cramped quarters are sometimes a problem, and gives churches the freedom to chose a hotel (which they sometimes might like to do, but feel they cannot do because of a perceived hospitality duty). If you were visiting my church and I were making arrangements and got such a note from you, I would either find a host family with lots of space that would afford you plenty of privacy or I would put you in a hotel.


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## Pergamum (May 6, 2014)

Thanks. My practice is usually to inform that I will pay and arrange lodging myself. This gives me flexibility and also takes any issue of money/expense expectations off the table (I pay for my own expenses). I usually like to settle in, even shower, go eat and work-out, review sermon notes, play with the kids, etc. We love meeting church families, but we also love time away from expectations and meeting new people as well.


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## Alan D. Strange (May 6, 2014)

Earl and Ben:

I am really confused. For some reason, I can't find either that catechism reference or the scriptural reference! Help, fellows! 

Peace,
Alan


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## Alan D. Strange (May 6, 2014)

Seriously, Perg, as one who travels and speaks a lot, I find your wishes with regard to this to be perfectly understandable and believe that they should be honored as much as possible by your hosts. 

Peace,
Alan


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## Bill The Baptist (May 6, 2014)

I think you'll find that most people would probably rather you and your family stay in a hotel as well. They are offering their homes because they assume that staying in a hotel would be a financial burden for you. If you are honest and gracious and explain the situation, I don't think you will have any problems.


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## jwithnell (May 6, 2014)

"I've already made arrangements for housing," in the same note as your accepting a date will answer questions before they're raised.


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## Pergamum (May 7, 2014)

Alan D. Strange said:


> Seriously, Perg, as one who travels and speaks a lot, I find your wishes with regard to this to be perfectly understandable and believe that they should be honored as much as possible by your hosts.
> 
> Peace,
> Alan



Thank you for this advice. 

You don't think anyone will believe me to be ungrateful for this approach? 

Far from ingratitude, we feel overwhelmed by love and hospitality. And sharing a meal in a home is often the highlight of some of our trips. However, I often stir at night (night owl), and the baby (now 2 year's old) still cries at night, etc. 

I usually have one opportunity every 4 years or so to maximize my time and my conversations with these precious church people (who often know the names and ages of my children from prayer letters, though I've never met them in person). I want to make the most of it. But, we have also been real tired as a family. I want to show love and gratitude and appreciation to all.


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## earl40 (May 7, 2014)

Bill The Baptist said:


> I think you'll find that most people would probably rather you and your family stay in a hotel as well. They are offering their homes because they assume that staying in a hotel would be a financial burden for you. If you are honest and gracious and explain the situation, I don't think you will have any problems.



That is insightful and honest. We probably should just ask where they would like to stay while in town? I suspect if someone paid for a nice hotel, condo, townhouse, etc. and said...."We think you would love so and so place which we have paid for your family while you are in town". Of course we would have our wives communicate this in a way that tells them we love them staying with us if they prefered.

I will sugest this to our church.


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