# Adoption



## Tyrese (Jan 28, 2013)

Before I make this comment I want to first say I'm all for adoption. I also hope I don't come across as judgmental. I just find it strange that Christians in our churches tend to adopt foreign kids even though there are countless children (black or white) in our own country, cities, and neighborhoods that desperately need placement. I think families have the right to choose where they want to adopt from, but again what about American children? Now your experience may be completely different than mine, but this is what I see. Your thoughts?


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## smhbbag (Jan 28, 2013)

I have been thinking about this exact issue, and I look forward to the responses.


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## Edward (Jan 28, 2013)

I'll start. Two words. "Open Adoption" 

The only practical way to avoid it with domestic adoptions is to adopt a child where parental rights have been terminated by the state, and those children tend to be highly damaged. 

One more word. "Extortion"

It's rare, but not unknown, for the 'father' to show up late in the process and threaten to derail the adoption unless a large payment is made. And frequently, he will be standing on solid legal rights - it isn't an empty threat. 

And in the hardest cases, the girl may have hidden the facts from him as well as you, and law and equity would be firmly in his favor and he actually does want his child. 

And a final 3 words. "Emotional roller coaster"

By the time most folks consider adoption, they've had ups and downs of near misses. To have a teenager back out at the last minute can add stress to the couple, particularly the wife, that she should not have to deal with. 

So I advocate foreign adoption as the best course, family adoption as a last choice. And open non-family adoptions? No thanks.


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## Jack K (Jan 28, 2013)

I think foreign adoption has been easier, quicker and generally less filled with unpleasant surprises. But now that Russia is banning US adoptions and China is drastically cutting back on them, the balance may shift. There's a bit of a backlash internationally as countries start to suspect Americans of raiding them for their babies.


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## Edward (Jan 28, 2013)

Jack K said:


> There's a bit of a backlash internationally as countries start to suspect Americans of raiding them for their babies.



It's a two way street. These articles are a few years old, but:

Born in America, adopted abroad / The Christian Science Monitor - CSMonitor.com

Why Are American Babies Being Adopted Abroad? - Adoption, Real People Stories : People.com


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## EKSB SDG (Jan 28, 2013)

I've got lots of thoughts on this topic. But for now, I'll share this one: We have five children. The oldest is our "homemade" daughter. We adopted our other four (two boys and two girls). All four were domestic adoptions.


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## KMK (Jan 29, 2013)

We have adopted two from the county of San Bernardino and are currently trying to adopt two more. I would also like to encourage more families (Christian or otherwise) to adopt locally. Statistics show that local children who age out of foster care without permanency end up, most of the time, contributing to local social problems like crime, unemployment, and unwanted pregnancy.


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## AThornquist (Jan 29, 2013)

I have two sisters who were adopted domestically. In fact, they were friends with one of my other little sisters from a summer camp before we started fostering them unto adoption. I think Edward raises helpful points that are realistic and worth considering, but I do think that, depending on your circumstances in life, fighting for a child stateside is worth doing. But I will be honest, my perspective is a unique: our adoption process was one of the easiest I have ever heard of. It was fast, relatively easy, and the girls' parents already lost their parental rights when they went to prison for various drug offenses. The only difficulty, if one would call it such, that we have had in the whole process was that their father, who was a major drug lord in our area and across several states, had (has?) lots of eyes on the street checking us out. But even then, since he wants his daughters to be safe and taken care of, he is very happy we have them.


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## BobVigneault (Jan 29, 2013)

I couldn't agree more Tyrese and thank you for bringing it up. Edward, there is some truth in your cautions and it's definitely a roller coaster but it is so worth it. There are no guarantees whichever direction you decide on but domestic adoption, and especially adopting through special needs foster care, is a whole lot cheaper. I have adopted 6 children through special needs foster care and have been blessed beyond all expectations. Raising kids is difficult no matter how the Lord brings them to you but adoption is the heart of the Gospel.

Not to get preachy, but I did preach on it.


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## nicnap (Jan 29, 2013)

(We are currently riding the roller coaster of private, domestic adoption.)


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## Caroline (Jan 29, 2013)

There is this myth out there that there are countless US babies waiting for adoption. That is simply not true in any meaningful sense. In fact, there is severe competition for the babies that are available. People can wait years for a placement and may never get one, especially if they are less than ideal in some way (have a disabled child, are low income, etc.) Birth mothers are generally allowed to choose the family, and they almost always choose white, middle-or-upper-class, professional, with no other children or just one or two other children, and no disabilities. 

Foster-to-adopt is more realistic for many people, but even that is not as open as people think. Those lists of 'waiting children' on the internet are mostly bogus. When you call around, you find that most of them are already involved in adoption processes or else are not adoptable for some reason or (especially if they are young) have hundreds of applicants already on file. Even when you find one that is available, you face years of waiting for parental rights to be terminated, constant shifting around of the situation, children being given back to their parents or moved to another foster home, etc. When you do adopt, the children are mostly older, and they often have serious problems--fetal alcohol syndrome, attachment disorder, etc. While the child is in foster care, you are subject to constant evaluation, you have to attend classes to maintain your certification, you have to attend regular meetings, host social workers in your home, take children to parental visits, and give the child every med prescribed by the doctor even if you think they are severely over-medicated (which most foster children are, or at least that is my experience). You are not allowed to discipline them beyond giving them a time-out, and they can call their social worker at any point and report anything you do that they do not like, and you will be investigated. You will also be investigated if the parent doesn't like you and accuses you of anything.

I don't mean to discourage those who want to foster-to-adopt too much, but you should know that it is a full-time job and not for the faint of heart.

Also, be warned that the state is eager to unload these children so that they won't have to support them, and they will pressure you to adopt even if you think it is probably not a good idea. Be cautious and move slowly, and watch your back. In my own situation, I adopted a twelve-year-old girl even though I had some hesitation about it, but I thought her behavior would improve over time. It ended with a huge crisis in which she abused my younger children every chance she got. I finally called CPS and begged them to remove her (I couldn't even sleep, because I had to watch her constantly), and they refused, but threatened to take away my younger biological children if I didn't find someone to take care of the older adopted one. The younger children were of a more easily adoptable age, and in the minds of child protective services, that would solve the abuse problem with a lot less investment of their time and energy. I ended up paying thousands of dollars a month for someone to care for the adopted girl in their home. It financially ruined us for a long time.

She is currently is a very restrictive group home and has to have 24-hour supervision to prevent her from abusing other residents. It is sad, but sometimes, that's just the way things work out when you adopt an older child.

I think that sort of thing is why people don't adopt in the USA.


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## AdoptedDaughterHeir (Jan 30, 2013)

Both kinds of adoption are sorely needed. Both kinds of adoptions are strenuous, heart-wrenching, financially complicated and just plain hard. Every family needs to decide with their own family situation, abilities, comfort zones, and interests which one God is calling them to. 

God's adoption of us wasn't easy either ;-) But both vertical and horizontal adoption is totally worth it!


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## JoannaV (Jan 30, 2013)

There are more domestic adoptions than foreign. I don't know what the ratios are within churches. You could do a PB poll if you want. I imagine a local church may sometimes have similar adoptions because people get advice etc from their fellow churchgoers. If I were to adopt, although I know many people online who've adopted, the people I would talk with first would be those I know in real life. So if they recommended their agency I would be likely to use it too.

People have different situations, finances, skill-sets, motivations, families, personalities, etcetc. What works for one family may not work for another. Some people make decisions very logically; others are very emotional. Adoption is hard. Some people deal with certain types of difficulties better than others.


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## BobVigneault (Jan 31, 2013)

Caroline, I'm very sorry for all the trouble that you endured. As I said before, raising children is in no way easy. 

We have to be very careful about what our purpose is in adopting. Adoption is a mission field. We don't adopt to create a house full of perfect children, we adopt to bring these children into a saving knowledge of God. It's hard, the results and rewards are delayed but we must remain faithful to our commission.

One practical item I do wish to suggest and I was reminded of this by Caroline's post - if you already have children in the home, it's highly recommended that you adopt children YOUNGER than those already in the home. This allows the children in the home to help with the new and younger kids. The socialization is more natural and of course your kids need constant reminders of the big picture. My kids are often encouraged to remind themselves, "this is not about me, this is about the Gospel". Last night we looked again at John the Baptist who best expressed this sentiment.

Obviously, the older the child the more baggage they bring. If you are going to adopt a teen then make very sure you can focus all your energy on that teen and have a good idea how to remediate the problems the child may have. We adopted children at 11, 8, 6, 5, 2 and 4 months.


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## Caroline (Jan 31, 2013)

I absolutely agree with you, Bob. I wish I had realized before I got into it that adopting a child OLDER than the children I already had was a terrible idea. Even if it seems like it might work out initially, you don't know what is going to happen when the child turns into a teenager. Sometimes new behaviors emerge. And once you adopt, there is no turning back. The kid can threaten to stab your three-year-old to death, and you still can't get them removed from your home.

I am in favor of adoption still, but just a lot of caution about it. And adoption is like every other ministry--you don't know for sure that it will succeed. I think there is an expectation that parents can change a child by loving them enough, and sometimes they can. But sometimes they can't. Sometimes it is worth it. But sometimes it just isn't, no matter how hard you try (Despite the six years, many struggles, love, tears, and tens of thousands of dollars poured into my adopted daughter, my Session tells me to just accept that I can do nothing about her behavior and leave her at the group home, which is where she should have gone from the beginning instead of family adoption.) I have known families to adopt two children, and one turns out well and goes to college and joins a church, and the other ends up in jail. 

It's risky. But then, every ministry is risky. Sometimes people adopt an older child because they can't find a baby to adopt, and they expect a fairy-tale ending, and there rarely is one. Your counsel to be in a situation to focus all your energy on an older adopted child and have resources to remediate potential problems is spot on.


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