# My Dark Season



## SoliDeoGloria (Apr 26, 2010)

Excuse me if this thread is placed in the wrong forum, although I'd care to share with you all my experiences I've had over the past six or so months in life and what you all think.

My conversion was roughly 18 months ago. In reading a book to help me with one of my sexual addictions I came across Ezekiel 36:26,27 and the Lord showed me my depravity and I came to repent of my sin sincerely and since that day I've displayed common fruits of conversion- i.e. constant prayer, high religious affections which were genuine, much feeding in the Word, repentance, hatred of sin, and so forth. I don't want to dedicate this thread to a defense of my salvation, nor do I want to sound as though I have to do everything to validate it. For the sake of the thread I'd simply like to let it be known that my church body as a whole has confirmed my salvation via gifts and spiritual fruit and I am by no means unregenerate for I can affirm to you I am no one near or anything like I formerly was.

Moving on, back in October in 2009 I had a very difficult evening of my life that has since marked me. Before that night I was experiencing religious affections like none other. I was massively infatuated with Christ as Savior and I saw my depravity in light of the Gospel and I spent my days on my knees in prayer, repentance, and soaking my heart and life in the glory of the Gospel and God's goodness to me.

Since October though I've had a very immediate dark and difficult season of my spiritual well being. The Puritans (as all you educated people are all aware) diagnosed that people at times experience periods of "desertion" where it appears God's presence is so very faint and we feel very long. Sinclair B. Ferguson wrote on this in his book _Deserted by God?_ and the Psalms wrote an experience about this in Psalm 42 as well.

Very suddenly after this very bad night in October I've been constantly wrestling with God and my salvation. I'm very confident I am a justified sinner saved my grace but I am also struggling with such things on a daily basis (which can be a good and bad thing). This is difficult because the Gospel is not as glorious or illuminating as it once was to me. I find it hard to find my joy in God despite how often I pray for it and seek the Lord in it. I find myself dry and empty and hard to get into the word despite how much I used to delve into it with pure excitement and joy that I may be sanctified by the Word.

Now, day after day, I find myself occasionally battling some forms of depression because of how serious of a desertion this feels like. When it comes to spiritual warfare, there were times I felt very discouraged because of accusations I heard subtly in my mind. Of course they always came in _you, you, you!_ and I rightfully spent a lot of time listening to myself instead of talking and preaching to myself.

It would be a lie to say that I have not made progress. At the lowest point of my dark season I was so discouraged and depressed I wouldn't leave my bed because I felt so tired and discouraged about everything. I had feared God had abandoned me and that He didn't love me, or die for me, and I was going to hell. This of course is not my current or immediate state of being but I was just putting that in here for your informatino.

I must confess that I've never felt so heavily distraught in spiritual warfare before prior to this mess and I was wondering if any of you guys had any encouragement or information or any good books for to read on it.

Anyone you ask that knows me (like Mike Doyle on here) might affirm to you that I am a born again Christian and I am surely not who I was. So my salvation is not a question or doubt in my mind.

Another thing that is not a doubt in my mind is that God has me where I am for a very good reason. My level-headed Christian family believes I have a call for ministry, my pastors and elder board do, friends I know suggest so too. They all are comforting me that this Dark Night of the Soul is for a very good purpose and I will come out of it trusting in God more than ever, which I don't doubt. But this does not always comfort me when I am feeling most discouraged. Some friends I know are on their peaks, who read their entire Bible in one or two months out of pure infatuation with Yahweh, and others are reading constantly other spiritual books because they want to grow, while I am struggling with sin daily (as are they, but it seems so much more magnified in my mind) and struggle to remind myself of the glorious Gospel truth that is before me every day. My hope and prayer is that if God has called me for ministry that this will be used in a major way in my life a a defining moment to make me the person He needs me to be for whatever purpose He has for me.

But what I'm asking all of you (Puritan Board members) is that do any of you have any comments, encouragement, books, or suggestions to help me through this time of my life?


Edit: I'd also like to clarify that I'm not spending massive hours dwelling on my sin. I do my best to take my sin that I encounter and fight it with the Gospel and when I do sin I seek the Lord in repentance and ask for forgiveness (not in a legalistic sense). I understand the concept gutsy guilt that I must fight as a glorified sinner being sanctified by the grace of God.


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## Scott1 (Apr 26, 2010)

> I Corinthians 6
> 
> 11And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
> 
> ...


.



> Romans 13
> 
> 12The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light.
> 
> ...





> Philippians 4
> 
> 4Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.
> 
> ...


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## au5t1n (Apr 26, 2010)

It sounds like you have a love for the things of God. What I do when I'm feeling like this is ask God to give me a renewed love for spending time in the Word and prayer. Inevitably, if those things improve, my comfort and joy do as well.

 for you.


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## lynnie (Apr 26, 2010)

John Piper, who is one of the most influential teachers in the country, talks on an audio about being so depressed as he sat on the grass in a park, that he could not even remember the names of his own children. Wish I could remember the title.

His book Future Grace might help you. It is about how in the Pauline epistles Paul constantly motivates people with a forward look and hope to future grace, both in this life and heaven. It is not enough to only look backwards at the cross and what God did in the past, one must have a future hope. 

God will work it for good. Hard to believe but He will.


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## dudley (Apr 26, 2010)

Jake , I am praying for you. Remember too that if you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, he died for you and all of us who are sinners. Depression is a real human situation that can be difficult. I have battled depression myself in my life. Depression is a form of dying to your self emotionally and with proper certified psychological guidance and counciling and prayer and help from your minister you will experience again a rebirth of new life. We all die little deaths during our lives in order to grow again. If you ever need any help please e mail me or send me a private message. I have been there , I know depression is real and can be tormenting. In the meantime I am praying with you and for you my PB brother in Christ. Continue to pray also every day.

There is an old saying that goes like this: Just when the catepillar thought it was the end of the world, he became a butterfly!


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## Calvinist Cowboy (Apr 27, 2010)

Hey Jake,

I just want to encourage you with the Gospel. I went through a similar situation a few years back, where I deeply wrestled with God, and what got me through was meditating upon verses such as Ps 103:1-4, Php 1:6, and Rom 8:28-39. Soak and revel in those promises and indicative statements about who you are as a child of God. Also, what was tremendously helpful for me was reading Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners by Bunyan. Great book; I wish I had read it sooner, as it marks out Bunyan's own time of deep despair and depression. I would also suggest reading through Job and Gen 37-50.

Regarding ordinary life, just take it one day at a time, one step at a time. As a dearly beloved child of His, God will never give you more than you can handle. 

Blessings, man. Praying for you.


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## Michael Doyle (Apr 27, 2010)

Jakob,

I am starting a course called gospel transformation which the context of the lectures has been debated on this forum concerning the teachings of Jack Miller and I myself struggle with his position (another topic and thread) but one element that has been really helpful for me is his treatment of our adoption. He says "cheer up, you are far worse than you thought you were." In other words, when we are regenerated, there is still a sense of goodness that we see about ourselves that over time should get completely obliterated in the knowledge of ourselves and the knowledge of God. It is as if we come into salvation on a high and as time goes by and we think we should be getting better and better, what we are inevitably doing in our pursuits in making the cross smaller and smaller as we look internally for growth. The truth is, we come into salvation knowing nothing of who Christ truly is and as we grow in knowledge of Him we are also growing in grace because as we know Him more we become more and more aware of our own wretchedness. It can be a startling thing to see us warts and all. It is in this that our true dependence on Christ grows and it is in this weakness that He is our all and all.

It is essential as a Christian that we preach the gospel to ourselves everyday for we are whom Christ died for. It is not the healthy who were in need of a physician but us sick and lowly sinners who were dead in our trespasses and sins, raised again to life in Christ Jesus and yet we live in the already, not yet. 

Praying for you brother


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## Jerusalem Blade (Apr 27, 2010)

Hello Jake,

It seems that after the “very difficult evening / very bad night” in Oct ’09 your _experience_ of Salvation went south. It sounds like there was a reverting to sin that evening. Before that night you were “experiencing” — as you put it — strong religious affections for and massive infatuation with Christ; after it you are experiencing an immediate darkness and sense of desertion. And your question is, What’s going on with me, and with my God?

Assuming you fully reckon that the Lord has forgiven your sin and cleansed you of _*all*_ unrighteousness after you confessed to Him (1 John 1:9), and also clothed you in His righteousness, seeing “you are dead and your life is hid with Christ in God” and Christ is now your life (Col 3:3, 4) in the sight of God, *therefore* God loves you as He ever has, with an everlasting love (Jer 31:3), with the very love He loves Christ, as you are now united with His Son (John 17:23, 26; 14:21, 23; 15:10), “of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones” (Eph 5:30 KJV), and “he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit with Him” (1 Cor 6:17). This all is the *actual* condition of your soul according to the decree of God. Per the John passages above in chapter 14 you keep His commandments in that you confess and forsake sin, and return to Him, and receive His promise that, having come to Him, He will in no wise cast you out (John 6:37). So in truth it is well with your soul.

But in your experience, what’s going on? This is the crux: you think because you do not _feel / experience_ the glorious affections and sensations of your initial “honeymoon” you are deserted, or going through some dark season of the soul. God’s love for you hasn’t changed, for you are in His Son, one of His adopted children in Christ, and you are precious in His eyes. What has changed are _your_ feelings, after that evening. Now it is time to walk by sheer faith. Children are taken from their mother’s breast at the right time, and they learn to live at seemingly greater distance from her (but it is not distance, for they are in her heart).

You may still have _the profound assurance in the depth of your being_ (I am very precise in this language) that your heavenly Father is with you, and your Lord and elder Brother the King abides in your heart and you in His by virtue of His word: “I am with you always, even unto the end of world . . . I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Matt 28:20; Heb 13:5).

Assurance is different than experience; it is based on the awareness of God’s presence from the reality of His word; we can be aware of something though we do not feel it; this results in a profound assurance of the reality of His word as regards us; this assurance is not in our feelings (our “experience”) but in a place deeper, more interior, the very depths of our beings. Feelings may change; they may be drowned out from various causes; but this assurance of His presence with us neither torture nor death can rip out of us. Nor can sin remove it from us; nothing in all creation can separate us from His Love in Christ our Lord (Rom 8:31-39).

Even as you read this He is with you (with us). But now He is bringing you into spiritual manhood, that you may cultivate the awareness of His presence simply on the basis of His word to you. Not that this awareness may not be intense at times, where you indeed have a felt sense of His presence — sometimes in singing a hymn, or hearing the word preached, or reading the Scripture, or in prayer with Him. But it will be a different kind of walk, of calm assurance, and joyful gratitude, with a gyroscopic stability grounded in trust that His word is true, _and true for you!_

God has no “throw away” children such as men do, for He has said,

I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me.

And this is the Father's will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day.

And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. (John 6:38-40)​
So it is well with your soul, Jake. He has just brought you a new spiritual maturity. Here’s a good meditation (a hymn):

Before the throne of God above 
I have a strong and perfect plea. 
A great high Priest whose Name is Love 
Who ever lives and pleads for me. 
My name is graven on His hands, 
My name is written on His heart. 
I know that while in Heaven He stands 
No tongue can bid me thence depart. 

When Satan tempts me to despair 
And tells me of the guilt within, 
Upward I look and see Him there 
Who made an end of all my sin. 
Because the sinless Savior died 
My sinful soul is counted free. 
For God the just is satisfied 
To look on Him and pardon me. 

One with Himself I cannot die. 
My soul is purchased by His blood, 
My life is hid with Christ on high, 
With Christ my Savior and my God! 
Behold Him there the risen Lamb, 
My perfect spotless righteousness, 
The great unchangeable I AM, 
The King of glory and of grace.​ 

It will be good for you to relax in His care and plenteous provision for the wretched children of men, whom He loves and transforms into beings fit for the glory of His direct presence in the New Heaven and Earth. Truly, it is well with your soul!


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## Mindaboo (Apr 27, 2010)

I don't have a lot of wisdom, but I would second the Bunyan book. I found that book to be very helpful to me. 

When I am struggling spiritually I find great comfort in hymns. I try to surround myself with the truth as much as possible. I read even when I don't feel like it, because the Lord promises His word won't return void. I listen to music and take comfort in the fact that when I don't know what to pray the Holy Spirit is interceding for me. 

Psalm 23 says we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. We do have times when we are walking through that valley. The point is we are walking, we don't stand still. The Lord is with us even in those dark times. It will end. For me sometimes the only comfort I can find is that I know my trials are only temporary. They will end, maybe not in this life, but in heaven. The Lord will preserve his people.

I will be praying for you.


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