# Shame over past sins



## Unoriginalname (Dec 11, 2015)

I don't really know if I am asking anything or just stating something. Probably 2 years ago, I lived with my parents at home while looking for work after college and was greatly discouraged. Discouragement grew from that subtle discontentment that we have a hard time putting are finger on to open anger towards God for my lot in life. I remember my mother and I got into an argument over something to do with job applications and stated how many people at her church were praying for me. I mocked her and told her that it was God who put me into this situation (my language was more blasphemous than that). I still feel great shame to this day that I mocked both God, his saints and my mother so openly in that moment. The way my mother cried when I said that still haunts me and it routinely fills me with the feelings of being a fraud when I go to pray.


----------



## earl40 (Dec 11, 2015)

Unoriginalname said:


> I don't really know if I am asking anything or just stating something. Probably 2 years ago, I lived with my parents at home while looking for work after college and was greatly discouraged. Discouragement grew from that subtle discontentment that we have a hard time putting are finger on to open anger towards God for my lot in life. I remember my mother and I got into an argument over something to do with job applications and stated how many people at her church were praying for me. I mocked her and told her that it was God who put me into this situation (my language was more blasphemous than that). I still feel great shame to this day that I mocked both God, his saints and my mother so openly in that moment. The way my mother cried when I said that still haunts me and it routinely fills me with the feelings of being a fraud when I go to pray.



You are not alone here.....Do what I do and simply realize you have asked Our Lord for forgiveness and try not to think about such things. I blush when I remember many of the horrible things I did and thought.


----------



## Elizabeth (Dec 11, 2015)

Oh, as a mother who has known these sorts of hurts in the past, please know that likely your mom would not want you to dwell on these past hurts. That she rejoices in your growth, and that she bares you much grace, more than likely. 

She would NOT want her tears of the past to interfere with your growth as a man of God today.

Don't be haunted. Your mom loves you and rejoices in you and is proud of you. And she knows you are human, just like she.


----------



## Cymro (Dec 11, 2015)

Daily be recumbent on this sweet promise and fact,"The blood of Jesus Christ His Son, cleanseth us from ALL sin. If we confess our sin He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin."


----------



## Edward (Dec 11, 2015)

Unoriginalname said:


> I don't really know if I am asking anything or just stating something. Probably 2 years ago, I lived with my parents at home while looking for work after college and was greatly discouraged. Discouragement grew from that subtle discontentment that we have a hard time putting are finger on to open anger towards God for my lot in life. I remember my mother and I got into an argument over something to do with job applications and stated how many people at her church were praying for me. I mocked her and told her that it was God who put me into this situation (my language was more blasphemous than that). I still feel great shame to this day that I mocked both God, his saints and my mother so openly in that moment. The way my mother cried when I said that still haunts me and it routinely fills me with the feelings of being a fraud when I go to pray.



Nothing in there about an apology to your mother.


----------



## Reformed Roman (Dec 11, 2015)

Edward said:


> Unoriginalname said:
> 
> 
> > I don't really know if I am asking anything or just stating something. Probably 2 years ago, I lived with my parents at home while looking for work after college and was greatly discouraged. Discouragement grew from that subtle discontentment that we have a hard time putting are finger on to open anger towards God for my lot in life. I remember my mother and I got into an argument over something to do with job applications and stated how many people at her church were praying for me. I mocked her and told her that it was God who put me into this situation (my language was more blasphemous than that). I still feel great shame to this day that I mocked both God, his saints and my mother so openly in that moment. The way my mother cried when I said that still haunts me and it routinely fills me with the feelings of being a fraud when I go to pray.
> ...



So blunt Edward... But you always seem to find certain things or have an eye for things others don't always see. 

It is a very good question to ask, if you have been able to talk to your mother in the past regarding these things.


----------



## Berean (Dec 11, 2015)

Edward said:


> Nothing in there about an apology to your mother.



I agree. Have you ever gently told your mother what you told us in the OP? Find an appropriate moment and consider doing so.


----------



## JimmyH (Dec 11, 2015)

I was 36 years old when the Holy Spirit enlightened the eyes of my understanding. A lot of blasphemy and sin under the bridge by then, and a considerable amount afterwards. Now, thirty years gone by, at 67 the adversary can bring many things I am ashamed of to my remembrance, but I have the choice of remembering that I am washed in the Blood. Adopted into sonship through the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Paul, on his way to Damascus breathing out threatenings and slaughter, following his participation in the murder of Stephen, referred to himself as 'the chief of sinners'. I think of that sometimes in comparison with my own record, and remember Romans 8:1. 

Like David crying for his son Absalom, I may have to pay the earthy consequences of my sins, but I'm saved by the grace of God and Christ's eternal sacrifice. I try to bring that incontrovertible fact to my mind when I have the tendency to wallow in the slough of despond. As already suggested, apologize to your Mother if you haven't already.


----------



## MW (Dec 11, 2015)

My sins and faults of youth
do thou, O Lord, forget:
After thy mercy think on me,
and for thy goodness great.

Ps. 25:7, metrical version.


----------



## Unoriginalname (Dec 11, 2015)

Edward said:


> Unoriginalname said:
> 
> 
> > I don't really know if I am asking anything or just stating something. Probably 2 years ago, I lived with my parents at home while looking for work after college and was greatly discouraged. Discouragement grew from that subtle discontentment that we have a hard time putting are finger on to open anger towards God for my lot in life. I remember my mother and I got into an argument over something to do with job applications and stated how many people at her church were praying for me. I mocked her and told her that it was God who put me into this situation (my language was more blasphemous than that). I still feel great shame to this day that I mocked both God, his saints and my mother so openly in that moment. The way my mother cried when I said that still haunts me and it routinely fills me with the feelings of being a fraud when I go to pray.
> ...



I apologized to my mother and there is no issue between us. I am not sure if some of this is self pity or just grief over not realizing the depth of my own depravity. I just find the whole situation horrible. I still feel guilt over mocking the idea that others were praying for me.


----------



## bookslover (Dec 11, 2015)

I remember visiting an elderly saint (he was in his 90s) at his nursing home shortly before his home-going. He told me that the adversary was trying to bring to his mind sins he had committed 60 and 70 years before. 

It can be hard to remember God's grace to us in Christ for forgiveness - especially when our memories tend to highlight all the terrible sins we've committed in the past. And, it doesn't help that people tend to remember the bad things, not the good things.

"The evil men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones." - William Shakespeare


----------



## Edward (Dec 11, 2015)

Thanks for the clarification.


----------



## Leslie (Dec 12, 2015)

Apologizing is also a problem. I recently realized how I'd wronged many people. The universal response when I tried to apologize was "You have nothing to apologize for," which really hurt. I was asking for forgiveness and got only denial. Now I'm looking forward to spending all eternity apologizing to zillions of people who, by then, might be able to offer the forgiveness that I crave.


----------



## OPC'n (Dec 12, 2015)

I know what you mean. I feel painfully good when i punish myself for my sins. Works for awhile till that pain becomes unbareable even for me to withstand. Then i remember I'm sinning even deeper by not acknowledging God's forgiveness. You see it's not about us it's about giving God his due glory. But I'm right there with you a lot of the time.....prayers!


----------



## Unoriginalname (Dec 12, 2015)

Edward said:


> Thanks for the clarification.


Not a problem, I could see how it could be read a very different way if my mother and I were not reconciled to each other. The Lord has granted me wonderful godly parents and I deeply appreciate their wisdom. My shame comes from squandering that and in that moment mocking the Lord and my mother's love.


----------



## Jeri Tanner (Dec 12, 2015)

Eric, just to add to what others have so helpfully said- this may have been your first time to mock/deny the Lord, at least so blatantly. It is a horrifying thing when one realizes that this is what one has done. I'm so thankful that Peter's denial of the Lord, and that in his moment of greatest need (humanly speaking), is included in the Scripture. What grief he had- but then his grief was assuaged, I think, by Christ's words to him that he would yet die a faithful witness. I think our terrible failures like this serve as a huge and rude awakening to why we needed a Savior in the first place. And then dear Peter- and who could have been more chastened than him over his sin- did it again! And had to be publicly reprimanded by Paul for it. I'm sure that Peter's ultimate landing place from that humiliation was a deeper gratitude for the saving work of Christ. We must be brought to agree with God over our terrible state apart from him and the grace and mercy and love of God for us in saving us. He knew you would do this when he elected you to salvation before the foundation of the world (just as he knew I would do many such things after I became a Christian, also). "If in anything our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows all things." So submit to this journey of self-discovery and coming to more comprehend the love and mercy of God. It's a painful journey with rich rewards.


----------



## bookslover (Dec 12, 2015)

Leslie said:


> Apologizing is also a problem. I recently realized how I'd wronged many people. The universal response when I tried to apologize was "You have nothing to apologize for," which really hurt. I was asking for forgiveness and got only denial. Now I'm looking forward to spending all eternity apologizing to zillions of people who, by then, might be able to offer the forgiveness that I crave.



In eternity, you won't have to apologize to anyone and no one will have anything to forgive you for. We will all be fully cleansed from sin and will be perfect in every way. With all sins, even the deepest and darkest ones, fully forgiven, eternity will be bliss in the presence of God.


----------

