# The Importance of Grammar



## LawrenceU (Jul 15, 2009)

In this day of nihilistic grammar I would like to post the following as evidence that grammar rules are a necessity.


- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10," with
wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the
residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his
relatives.

- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her
husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine
buck as well as her husband.

- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last
year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a
2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch
watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies
hunting elephants armed only with spears.


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## Rich Koster (Jul 15, 2009)

I think the cows used up the m and o tiles, but struggled with the rest.


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## Wannabee (Jul 15, 2009)

I'm glad we have guns now so that we don't have to worry about hunting animals with spears.


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## Scottish Lass (Jul 15, 2009)

I teach this at work--may I use these examples?


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## LawrenceU (Jul 15, 2009)

Sure. I copied and pasted them from an email.


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## LawrenceU (Jul 15, 2009)

I love church bulletin bloopers! These are not derived from dangling participles, but they are good! 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett

Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.


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## VictorBravo (Jul 15, 2009)

Thanks, Lawrence. A few of those about had me in tears. It helps on this dreary day.


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## VictorBravo (Jul 15, 2009)

Brings to mind a recent continuing legal seminar put on by our State Bar Association:

"Lawyers’ Roles in Preparing and Responding to Disasters"

Something that, I suppose, many suspect: Lawyers prepare disasters so they can fix them.


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## Caroline (Jul 15, 2009)

There have been a couple of funny ones in our church bulletin.

The first was the unfortunate placement of a Bible verse that rendered the front of the bulletin as follows: _Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Calvary Orthodox Presbyterian Church._

The second was the one that had the entire church in stitches from laughter: _Join us this evening to learn how to fight the food fight._ (It was supposed to be 'good fight', but the f and the g are just so close together on the keyboard ...)

Oh, one more that I almost forgot: _Prayer is requested for Adam who suffered serious facial injuries (from the Smith family). _ (The secretary meant that it was a prayer request from the Smith family, but we were all wondering which of the Smith's six teenage daughters had given poor Adam the facial injuries).


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## LawrenceU (Jul 16, 2009)

victorbravo said:


> Brings to mind a recent continuing legal seminar put on by our State Bar Association:
> 
> "Lawyers’ Roles in Preparing and Responding to Disasters"
> 
> Something that, I suppose, many suspect: Lawyers prepare disasters so they can fix them.




That is hilarious! Now you had me near tears.


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## jfschultz (Jul 16, 2009)

victorbravo said:


> Brings to mind a recent continuing legal seminar put on by our State Bar Association:
> 
> "Lawyers’ Roles in Preparing and Responding to Disasters"
> 
> Something that, I suppose, many suspect: Lawyers prepare disasters so they can fix them.



That explains a lot with so many lawyers in Washington!


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## Herald (Jul 16, 2009)

Being from New Jersey I have grate grammer spelling and pronunseeation. At leest Im not from Arkansaw or West Verginia.


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## LawrenceU (Jul 16, 2009)

Herald said:


> Being from New Jersey I have grate grammer spelling and pronunseeation. At leest Im not from Arkansaw or West Verginia.



Hee hee. Believe it or not you spelled Arkansaw (Arkansas) correctly. The original charter is with a 'w' not an 's'. 

And, by the way, as an Arkansawyer I am trying not to take umbrage at your solicitous comment


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## Herald (Jul 16, 2009)

The three states in the Union that are the brunt of the worst jokes: New Jersey, Arkansas and West Virginia.


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## LawrenceU (Jul 16, 2009)

Herald said:


> The three states in the Union that are the brunt of the worst jokes: New Jersey, Arkansas and West Virginia.



Yeah. I'm sort of proud of that. But, don't leave out Mississippi. Growing up we used to thank the Lord everyday for the Magnolia State. If it weren't for that great state we would have been at the bottom of all the stats. 

Remind me to tell you of the time that I was in a pretty high powered business meeting and it came out that I was from Arkansas. . .

-----Added 7/16/2009 at 09:23:12 EST-----

Just yesterday someone who had found out that I grew up in Arkansas launched into the following joke:

'Hey, if a woman in Arkansas divorces her husband is he still her brother?' He was cracking himself up so hard I thought he might have a coronary.

Like I've never heard that one before


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## Rich Koster (Jul 16, 2009)

In NJ it is Arkansas, New York, & California. I think the first 2 have something to do with the Clintons. The second 2 have to do with large homosexual communities.


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## Skyler (Jul 16, 2009)

Herald said:


> The three states in the Union that are the brunt of the worst jokes: New Jersey, Arkansas and West Virginia.



Here in Ohio, it's primarily West Virginia. We like the fact that there's someone out there who's more a redneck than we are.


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## SarahB (Jul 21, 2009)

It's pretty bad here...we make all kinds of hillbilly, redneck jokes about West Virginia. Like, it's the state where the toothbrush was invented; had it been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the teethbrush. We also tease my brother-in-law, who is from WV, because he married my sister-in-law (his third cousin) We're still trying to wrap our heads around their daughter being their 4th cousin. *cue the music from I'm My Own Grandpa*

What's really bad is that we make all these jokes and yet I can look out my window and see the Ohio River and WV on the other side. We're not too far removed


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## coramdeo (Jul 21, 2009)

Never ask a man where he is from. If he is from Texas he will sure tell you. If not, you wouldn't want to embarrass him!


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## Mark Hettler (Jul 21, 2009)

Rich Koster said:


> In NJ it is Arkansas, New York, & California. I think the first 2 have something to do with the Clintons. The second 2 have to do with large homosexual communities.



Actually in NJ it's NJ. At least for those of us who moved here from out of state.


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## Rich Koster (Jul 21, 2009)

Mark Hettler said:


> Rich Koster said:
> 
> 
> > In NJ it is Arkansas, New York, & California. I think the first 2 have something to do with the Clintons. The second 2 have to do with large homosexual communities.
> ...



 I'm from NY 

I guess you're talking about political jokes.


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## Jon Peters (Jul 21, 2009)

LawrenceU said:


> 'Hey, if a woman in Arkansas divorces her husband is he still her brother?' He was cracking himself up so hard I thought he might have a coronary.



Now that's funny. I actually laughed out loud.


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