# Courtship Questions: Less-than-Ideal Situations, Part I



## Theoretical (Apr 10, 2009)

Basically, this is the first in what I hope becomes a series of threads to help people who don't have ideal situations for courtships to apply the principles to romantic relationships. Each successive thread will link to the others with this title. 

If anyone has hypo ideas, PM me and I'll create a new thread with the same header and your desired hypothetical, linking it back to the previous ones.

The difficutly of the hypotheticals will progressively increase with each new thread.

For the first hypothetical, assume the following are true regarding a prospective couple:


Both the man and woman have living, Christian parents, but neither set lives in town and both are indifferent about courtship.
Both the man and woman live in the same town and go to the same church.
Both the man and woman have a lot of Christian friends.
The man and woman are 18-22, with the guy being older and both in college.


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## DonP (Apr 10, 2009)

What are their ages??? This would make some difference 

But I would still say it would be good for both to ask the parents about the person they want to court, and meet them. 
You are often marrying not just the person but the inlaws as well, better find out about them. 

The woman could also ask her elder for his opinion on beginning courtship since if parents are not acting as such or around and she is a single woman she is under the headship of her elder. 
If he is dysfunctional or not much help, as sadly is common today among too many elders, then ask the pastor.


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## Theoretical (Apr 10, 2009)

Good point, Don - I added age range to the hypo


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## Scottish Lass (Apr 10, 2009)

Same church--can the elders function as part of the courtship equation?


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## Idelette (Apr 10, 2009)

Well, I think the parents of both the young man and girl can still oversee the courtship by creating parameters and rules. And as Scottish Lass mentioned above, having the elders of the church involved in the courtship to act as immediate overseers. The parents could also encourage that they spend time with other Christian friends in a group rather than being alone with one another. Just my


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## Wannabee (Apr 10, 2009)

Encourage church members to invite them over as guests, but to arrive separately. This could involve many things, but should not simply be a "eat and run" sort of arrangement. Church members should see the value in having the couple come over and see what a good marriage looks like. The women talk. The men talk. The men help with cleaning up. Challenging questions are prepared before hand.
One thing that we've pointed out is that marriage isn't sitting around looking into each others' eyes and longing to spend the rest of your lives together. Marriage IS life together, and carries a dynamic that is hard to duplicate outside of being married. However, if the couple has a vision for God and serving Him, then they should ask themselves what sort of things they see their lives involving, and pursuing those together to see how well they work together. To this end, church families should invite the couple to come help with work around the house. Have them work together and see how they do. Work with them individually and see how their work ethic is. Challenge them on it, and tell them to observe their counterpart's work habits. Help them to see their prospective mate's weaknesses so that they can get a better perspective of the future. 
Let's face it, life can be hard. Marriage is hard. It's worth it. It's glorious. But, in order for it to be a good marriage, it takes hard work. The church should have a vision to help the couple see the reality of this so that they are not caught flat footed a few months down the road with the honeymoon is over, she wakes up with messed up hair and he has bad breath. All of a sudden all those little things that they hardly noticed become issues because of our sin nature. These things need to be made clear, and the church as a whole has a wonderful opportunity to be involved in helping the couple see this by getting involved in their relationship.
During our time away for the past few weeks we've been encouraged to find out that some of our church families have been doing this with our son and his fiance. We're striving for the vision, and apparently it's taking root. Praise God!


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## DonP (Apr 11, 2009)

And working at church work days on the property and building. Also some mission work in local homeless shelters etc. 

I discourage praying together much at first as it is very emotionally binding, next to physical intimacy it is the strongest I think

They can pray in groups initially


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