# Need some advice with adopted twins



## MMasztal (Mar 30, 2007)

We adopted twin 5 yr olds about 1 1/2 yrs ago. At the time we got them they were in unacceptable foster home. Their history is one of neglect. The Mom abandoned them twice, favored one over the other, and failed to nurture them.

Prior to adopting my sons, we had been foster parents for about 2 yrs. We've been married 27 years and have no other children.

While my boys are doing well in school (despite not even knowing their alphabet prior to entering kindegarden), they tend to be a disciplinary problem at home, but not so much at school- at least no more than I was. I think they view my wife and I as contemporaries rather than parental authority figures in that they don't listen to us when we try to correct them or ask them to do things like wash their hands, straighten their rooms, etc. They will back talk and say things like "you stink" or "I don't like you"

Given their history, we've tried to discipline them with means other than spanking, but they will get spanked for certain behaviors.

Now I know how my Dad felt when he would say prior to my getting a spanking--"This will hurt me more than you."

I think they need to learn respect. For us as parents and others. 

Am I expecting too much given our time with them? 

Thanks in advance.


----------



## bwsmith (Mar 31, 2007)

MMasztal said:


> We adopted twin 5 yr olds about 1 1/2 yrs ago. At the time we got them they were in unacceptable foster home. Their history is one of neglect. The Mom abandoned them twice, favored one over the other, and failed to nurture them.
> 
> Prior to adopting my sons, we had been foster parents for about 2 yrs. We've been married 27 years and have no other children.
> 
> ...





How wonderful you have opened your home, because God has opened your heart to serve these precious lives. One of my favorite psalms is 113.

It seems you have a heart issue to address: pray for them to quickly know and trust God though they have been badly treated – pray that God would quickly deliver them of the effects of generational sin – their biological parents’ and your’s. Assure them of your love because God had loved you through some tough time – He has never left you, and because He gave them into your care, you will not leave them. 

Pray through Psalm 139:23-24 to see where the logs are in your eye before you address their specks. 

Keep expectations short and sweet – and may I recommend _Shepherding A Child’s Heart_?


----------



## turmeric (Mar 31, 2007)

Hi, Michael! 
What a wonderful thing you are doing! I do think they should definitely be learning obedience, however it will probably take them longer, and part of it is trust. Until they know in their hearts you won't leave them, they'll think it's just them against the world. You should get some professional Christian advice though, if you haven't already.

I think you need to create a signature. It's a requirement unless you've been given a variance about that. If you look at mine, there's a place to get info about that.


----------



## jenney (Mar 31, 2007)

I think our kids, even the ones who've been with us from birth, sometimes act up to see if we will set boundaries and enforce them. I honestly believe they see it as caring for them. In that sense, I _don't_ think it is too much at this point to say, "I love you and I know that you love me. I also know that God has blessed us by making us a family and we want to honor Him in the way we treat each other. When you disobey/call me names/ignore me/whatever it dishonors God and me. I can't allow you to do that anymore. From now on, whenever you ___, I will ______..." along those lines.

We have a chart of consequences, including spanking for certain things, which includes Scripture verses and little pictures to remind us of what the rules are of the house. You can get a similar one at Doorposts. That way the children know what to expect and that we discipline them because God has commanded us to. Even our little toddler can point to the picture when I tell her how she has broken God's Law.

I second the recommendation of Ted Tripp's book.

Another excellent one is The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. It deals with helping your child to recognize when there is sin in his anger and what its root cause is. It's compassionate and gracious and uses Scripture to explain what the Bible says about anger, the children's as well as ours. Your boys might be a little young for it, but because of their background, sinful anger may be something they are tempted with deeply for their whole lives. I don't say that to be discouraging, but to recognize that the Lord in His providence has allowed each of us to develop areas where we struggle more than others.

You are doing a great thing in loving those boys. Truly you are all blessed!


----------

