# Singlehood



## Alex Foo (Mar 6, 2017)

I suppose from the moment Bunyan's main character walked off from his family, his hometown, toward the Celestial City, that he never assume to get marry again.

At least Christian, and Faithful accompany him. Faithful died at Vanity Fair, correct me if I'm wrong. I forgot about Christian, is he with the main character until that river?

I am greatly surprised that there is no one section dedicated to the 'singles'. Perhaps I've missed it, I have only seen the 'family' group, and I admire people who are married, have children, and raise the family according to how God intended.

How would you advise a man like me, going 28, while waiting for marital grace? Perhaps God has celibacy gift for me, though I greatly plead with the Lord not to do so. Would be glad if you could share some of your experience on the waiting stages prior to meeting your loved one (i realise most of you are married? haha)

Also, touch on issue where marriage may be not feasible due to sickness issue. The last thing I want is to marry a wife knowing that I couldn't protect her physically. I am *all these while* rather underweight. I guess there's only so much I could eat, exercise, and the result is still a disappointed 47kg/168cm.

Yes, you can do pastoral counseling on this case. Am glad to be with PB. God bless =)


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## LilyG (Mar 16, 2017)

Hey Alex! Welcome.

I probably won't be much help (you are in a unique situation it seems), but I wanted to comment on waiting. 

It's HARD. One of the toughest times of my life. We met and married in our mid and late twenties. "So young!" Some might say. But well beyond what we wanted! Our generation has unique challenges (like feminism, extended "adolescence") that frustrate early marriage. It's destructive, and sad.

That to say it is helpful simply to admit it shouldn't be this way. Be active in your search for a wife, and don't fall for the "you must not be content enough in Jesus! " or, "if I'd just stop making this an idol..." nonsense.

See it for what it is, a trial. Suffering. Singleness is a "gift" only for a very few. Your desire to be married proves you're outta that camp.

That probably wasnt helpful at all. Haha! But seriously, I do feel for you. Prayers, brother.

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## Ed Walsh (Mar 16, 2017)

LilyG said:


> We met and married in our mid and late twenties. "So young!" Some might say.



My wife and I married at 21 years old, six _long_ months after the Lord saved us. I wish to this day, 44 years later, that the Lord saved us sooner and we had gotten married at 17 or 18. Just that many more years to be together. We are still very much in love.



LilyG said:


> That probably wasn't helpful at all. Haha! But seriously, I do feel for you. Prayers, brother.



If you doubt that your post was helpful, where does that leave me? I'm just bragging I guess.

Alex - Just hope and pray that the Lord brings you a wife sooner rather than later. I will pray for you tomorrow morning.

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## Edward (Mar 16, 2017)

While others deal with the merits, let me try to help with this:



Alex Foo said:


> and the result is still a disappointed 47kg/168cm.



Think of yourself as 103 rather than 47. 

When I graduated from college, I was roughly the same height as you, and weighed in only 12 pounds more. Now I weigh a good bit more (but haven't gotten any taller). And I was a LOT older than 28 when I got married.


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## arapahoepark (Mar 16, 2017)

Don't worry and pray in your search for a wife!!! Pray you'll be made bold in the Lord and get to know the girls around you. One of them will think you're and catch and that's all you need!
This is something I have been figuring out myself for the last couple of years. Maybe lower the bar if you're shallow like I was. I think that is a big problem today. Also being active and intentional is another. I'd like to take my advice, I do not have time...plus what I learned wasn't just from my experience but from some friends who married pretty young too. So it is tried and tested and trust them!
As for self defense, punch using your hips. There is also this: http://e-martialart.com


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## Alex Foo (Mar 23, 2017)

thank you for the replies

i recently come across 9marks journal on singlehood
https://www.9marks.org/article/9-ways-to-pastor-those-longing-for-marriage/

I saw the qualification of an elder to be the ruler of the household. Also the husband of one wife, having children in subjection. Also in Eph 5 the husband ought to sacrifice for his wife.

Because of being poorly underweight, I guess it kills my ambition to try to establish a family on my own. There's only so much I can eat everyday, and so much exercise/strength training I can do.

This year I will walk the 28th year of Earthly sojourn, and I guess John Bunyan didn't complain so much when he was imprisoned for so many years.

My question: Do you encounter friends who desire to get married (male) but was limited by health issue?


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## reaganmarsh (Mar 25, 2017)

Hi Alex,

I thought of the recent 9Marks journal on the subject of singleness while reading your thread. Glad to see that you've found it! I hope it proves helpful for you.

Let me encourage you as others already have: if you desire to marry, chances are very good that such is indeed the will of God for your life. It may come to you sooner or later; that is under the providence of a sovereign and faithful God. A dear pastor friend finally married about 5 years ago at age 51. During his singleness, through college, seminary, and 20+ years of full-time ministry, he gave himself to serving Christ in what was very much a 1 Pet 4.19 sense.

You don't get a wife as a reward for somehow hitting some vaguely-defined, extra-biblical spiritual marker. Such bumper-sticker theology is merely superstition and idle talk, and I'm very thankful that you're not indulging it. God is far too good and kind to us to toy with us like that. 

I'd encourage you toward several things in this interim period. 

1. Seek to give a pointed, intentional focus to your personal spiritual growth. Grow in the Bible, theology, discipleship, spiritual disciplines, and personal integrity. Make an honest assessment (and enlist the help of mature, trusted Christian friends) of your spiritual state. Confer with your elders regularly concerning the state of your soul. Seek, as much as lies within you, to make 2 Cor 5.9 and 1 Cor 10.31 the all-encompassing aims of your life. 

2. Seek to grow as a servant of Christ's kingdom. Marriage is, in a very real sense, a state of permanently serving one another in love, particularly for husbands (Eph 5.25f). Should God entrust a family to you (and I earnestly pray he does!!!), you'll be the chief servant to them, too. Dad sets the tone for the home (Eph 6.4). Your service to others can be good practice for one day serving your own family. Ask the Lord to sanctify your service unto the good of your soul, the souls of those you serve, and the glory of Christ. Give attention to serving others (1 Cor 7.32-35), asking the Lord to help you serve in genuine love, in increasing gratitude for the opportunity, and in a way that does battle against temptation toward selfishness or discontentment. (I'm not accusing you of those things, just considering that they're frequently temptations for some of the single folks in our congregation).

3. Seek to grow as a shepherd of Christ's sheep. I don't know if you have any aspirations toward being an ordained servant in your church, and I'm certainly not guilt-tripping you toward it. Rather, I mean to encourage you like this: husband and father = spiritual head of your home. So learn to shepherd. Get to know God's people with whom you worship each week. Be that man who phones the shut-ins every week to pray with them and minister to them. Visit the nursing home on Sunday afternoon to read J.C. Ryle's Expository Thoughts on the Gospels to the people. Write birthday cards, or "it was nice to meet you, hope you come back" notes to visitors, or encouraging letters to hurting people in your church. Pick a teenage boy or college guy who needs a godly older friend and help him navigate the challenges of living unto Christ (it's amazing how God uses such Titus 2 relationships to glorify himself). Take biblical counseling training and serve in that way. Help teach a Sunday School class, and make it your goal to know each week the state of those you're serving, so you may pray specifically for them.

4. Seek to grow as a steward of Christ's resources. Deal with your own financial situation so that you're operating biblically and able to give more. Practice and grow in giving generously (this may seem odd, but I think Mk 10.29 applies beautifully here). Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Whether or not the Lord has yet seen fit to give you a wife, seek to ensure that His bride is cared for well (such as you can). Consider whether a missionary needs additional support you could help with, or perhpas you might begin contributing to your church's mercy ministry for the poor. Our Father who sees secret acts of righteousness will himself reward us openly (Mt 6.3-4).

5. Seek to grow in savoring and being satisfied in God. Ultimately, marriage is a picture of Jesus bringing sinful people to be delighting in and partaking of God's holiness by the gospel.

Anyway, I sincerely hope this doesn't sound like a lecture or correction. I hope it encourages you by giving some practical steps to take in waiting on the Lord. Entrust yourself to the Lord, regardless of whether or not you get a wife (1 Cor 7.32); and he will be faithful to his promises and purposes for your life.

I'll pray for you tonight, Alex.

Grace to you.

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## arapahoepark (Mar 26, 2017)

reaganmarsh said:


> You don't get a wife as a reward for somehow hitting some vaguely-defined, extra-biblical spiritual marker. Such bumper-sticker theology is merely superstition and idle talk, and I'm very thankful that you're not indulging it. God is far too good and kind to us to toy with us like that.


Can you expand on this a bit more. I think that may be how I think at times...


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## TheOldCourse (Mar 26, 2017)

Alex Foo said:


> thank you for the replies
> 
> i recently come across 9marks journal on singlehood
> https://www.9marks.org/article/9-ways-to-pastor-those-longing-for-marriage/
> ...



You seem rather focused on and almost despairing over the issue of being underweight. I don't mean to pry, but is it merely a matter of you not seeing yourself as having the strength to protect a wife/family in a physical sense, or is there a deeper health issue that is causing you concern, perhaps with regard to lifespan or ability to provide for a family through gainful employment? I don't see why being underweight, even very much so, would disqualify you from establishing a family of your own.

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## arapahoepark (Mar 26, 2017)

TheOldCourse said:


> You seem rather focused on and almost despairing over the issue of being underweight. I don't mean to pry, but is it merely a matter of you not seeing yourself as having the strength to protect a wife/family in a physical sense, or is there a deeper health issue that is causing you concern, perhaps with regard to lifespan or ability to provide for a family through gainful employment? I don't see why being underweight, even very much so, would disqualify you from establishing a family of your own.


I agree. Have you seen some of these karate masters? They're at least shorter than you and maybe me...


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## reaganmarsh (Mar 27, 2017)

arapahoepark said:


> Can you expand on this a bit more. I think that may be how I think at times...



Frequently, you'll hear things like this:

"God's waiting for you to become the right man before he gives you the right woman." 

"God's waiting for you to be perfectly satisfied with him alone before he blesses you with someone else."

"God wants you to be more spiritually mature/spiritually-minded/spiritually wise/spiritually sensitive/spiritually competent/etc., and then he'll bring that perfect someone."

The problem with that kind of thinking is that it's simply unbiblical. Nowhere in Scripture do we find God holding out the proverbial carrot in that manner. If a philosophy, idea, or concept "goes beyond what is written," it is speculative, superstitious, and what Scripture terms idle words. 

It is pietistic and mystical, and sounds really spiritual -- but it's not biblical. I know that thinking because I was raised in it and believed it. It often comes from well-intentioned people, but it is misguided. 

I didn't call it bumper-sticker theology to be pejorative, so I do hope it didn't come across that way. 

Popular thinking says we aren't complete without a mate. Scripture presents us with quite a different picture of the Christian life:

We are commanded to grow in grace and knowledge of Christ (2 Pet 3.18). Spiritual formation is central to Christian discipleship, irrespective of a wife.

We are promised that God has ordained every day of our lives before one of them came to pass (Ps 139.16). A robust view of God's loving sovereignty sustains us amidst difficult providences, with or without a wife. 

We are assured that God has predestined where we will live (Ac 17.26). We may rest in his governance of the details of our lives. 

We are encouraged that God has prepared (i.e., planned, purposed) good works for us to do (Eph 2.10). Surely these include our obedience, our service, our growth in the things of God, and our growth in relationship to others, whether or not these are developed and expressed in the context of marriage. 

Examples could be multiplied. But none of these even begin to approach implying something like the worldly philosophies I mentioned above. Thus, my encouragement to you to focus on being a godly man in the most holistic and self-giving/self-denying ways you can. 

In conclusion: obey in faith, aim to glorify and please God, and rest in the faithfulness of his providences toward you. In so doing, you will find the joy of the Lord, fellowship with God and his people, and a living hope -- regardless of whether or not you find a wife. 

I hope that helps, Alex. Prayed for you this morning. 

Grace to you.

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## Semper Fidelis (Mar 27, 2017)

Alex Foo said:


> I suppose from the moment Bunyan's main character walked off from his family, his hometown, toward the Celestial City, that he never assume to get marry again.


I don't want to totally derail the thread but let's not forget that this is an allegory. In one sense, in the spiritual sense, a man may have to forsake wife and child for Christ while _at the same time_ staying with them and taking care of them. The spiritual journey of Pilgrim's Progress typifies a believer's walk in the same physical world but his experience of it differs as he is no long enslaved to its principles.

Let me just commend you that you desire to be married. One of the judgments against this culture is the growing immaturity of men especially who do no pursue marriage and adult responsibility. What I see, more often than not, are young women who are ready and eager for marriage in Churches where the men are too busy being boys to grow up and marry them.

It's on both sides of the equation sadly that there are men who are heartbroken over not being able to find a spouse. Our culture destroys the desires of many.

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## Alex Foo (Apr 1, 2017)

TheOldCourse said:


> You seem rather focused on and almost despairing over the issue of being underweight. I don't mean to pry, but is it merely a matter of you not seeing yourself as having the strength to protect a wife/family in a physical sense, or is there a deeper health issue that is causing you concern, perhaps with regard to lifespan or ability to provide for a family through gainful employment? I don't see why being underweight, even very much so, would disqualify you from establishing a family of your own.



hi brother. Yeah, kind of swing between both. On one hand I doubt I could provide physical safety to my wife due to my underweight build. On the other hand, I do concern of my lifespan as well, though now 28, in my ability to provide for my family through regular employment.

I face fatigue (I guess all does), and I worked for 5 years before resigning. While serving my resignation period my health started to fall apart. I couldn't concentrate during meeting, in class, and while driving. Long story short, I am now getting a lot better after seeing >7 doctors, having some health check here and there, and ate and rest and slowly regaining stamina necessary for a normal day work.

I take the husband's ability to protect his wife as a pre-requisite, a God-intended role, and being underweight diminishes my ability to do that. With all that said, I ought to place my trust in my Lord, but at the same time I couldn't force her to place greater trust in the Lord because she is going to marry a man who is physically weaker than him.


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## Alex Foo (Apr 1, 2017)

arapahoepark said:


> I agree. Have you seen some of these karate masters? They're at least shorter than you and maybe me...



haha....i'm good in badminton sport, that makes me agile. But i guess i need more strength training to build up muscle =)


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## Alex Foo (Apr 1, 2017)

reaganmarsh said:


> Hi Alex,
> ...
> I'll pray for you tonight, Alex.
> Grace to you.



Thank you for the lengthy but very encouraging response. To know that there is someone who at least care and reply according to the promises of God, that is a comfort to me.

An update (so your prayer is updated, haha)

I realise in repeated introspection and prayer before God I find spiritual issues arising, related to how I feel concerning my state as a single man hoping to get married.

I need to work on personal integrity, and personal holiness. I've fallen behind my usual habit of reading the Bible, meditating on His Word, and a conscious decision to follow Him and to glorify Him in all that I do in everyday of my life.

To hope for marriage, while charging God for not providing the best to me, is a serious sin I must repent of. I cannot charge God as if He withhold from me the best gift, when the best gift He has given me is He Himself, Christ, the Eternal Life. Without His grace, I cannot by my own seek life and repent. My destiny was hell, and that is a just punishment for a sinner like me.

Having now begotten into the family of Christ, to be His slave, even elevated to be co-heir with Christ, friend of God, children of God, I realise my identity is not defined by my marital status.

Yes, I do desire to get married, because the earthly marriage is a beautiful expression of how Christ loved the Church (Eph 5), and I want to be part of that grand promise and providence. Yet, in my current state where a man too weak to protect his counterpart, I can only pray that I could get better in shape, to properly render my role as a husband who protects and provides. 

Many times I pray that the desire for marriage be removed, if it means wholehearted service to Christ. Yet, whether I will be married or not, I am already called for wholehearted service to Christ. 

I guess by writing it up here it helps to see where I am, and I truly appreciate your prayer.

Pray for my personal holiness. Pray for my faithfulness to Him. Pray that with whatever limited energy and strength the Lord decides to give me in this weak vessel everyday, I will use it as a faithful steward, in discharging my duty with joy, be it at home, at work, at church.

Pray for my trust in Him. Many times I felt the body couldn't take on anymore (normally feeling like lack of sugar, or lack of blood pressure), due to my rather athletic body shape, the body couldn't store more energy, and I need to be constantly eating. 

At many points it affects the range of my ministry. For example, when time get stretched, and there's need for mercy ministry, hospitality, discipleship and counseling (you know counseling takes a looong time).

I kind of thinking, 'Lord, I'm in the midst of counseling and discipling someone, and I'm about to faint soon'.

I will brace myself for another full body checkup, somewhere in May.

Thank you, everyone of you, who have the patience to read concerning my situation. My writing is messy. English isn't my primary language. (that's an excuse when you don't want to write thoughfully haha).

Thank you. I will hold to the promise of God, and learning daily to exercise 2 Cor 5:9.


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## reaganmarsh (Apr 1, 2017)

Greetings Alex,

Thanks for the update, brother. I've prayed for you this past week and will do so again today in light of what you've shared in your post. 

It sounds like you're heading in the right direction. I'm encouraged as I read your post. 

Fix your eyes on Jesus (Heb 12.1ff) and entrust yourself to him (1 Pet 4.19). He is good, and does good. He is faithful, and always deals with his people in goodness and love as the great Shepherd of the sheep. He can't and won't do otherwise. 

Please do keep us updated! 

Grace to you.


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