Are my girlfriend and I unequally yoked?

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Jonathan95

Puritan Board Sophomore
I met my girlfriend online back in May. She was living in California at the time and now she moved out here to Boston for work and to try and make things work with me. She is an incredible Christian woman although we disagree on things which I think is a big deal. She continues to say that I am making mountains out of mole hills.

She ascribes to being Pentecostal because she grew up in that kind of church although she doesn't really know if the gifts are still for today. She doesn't practice any like the Pentecostals claim to. Also, and it's strange to try and explain this, it seems like she's a Calvinist that doesn't want to be a Calvinist. I mean this in the sense that she accepts the doctrines of grace as described in the 5 points. With that said, she would NEVER claim to be a Calvinist for whatever reason, and that's fine. In the end Christ in king. We are Christians before we are anything else anyway.

We also disagree about the use of contraception. If we ever got married she would want to use it for about 2 years while I'd rather not. Maybe that's my bad and I just don't know it yet.

Another thing is that she continues to go on and on about how the culture affected why some things in the Bible had to be said but that don't apply to us today where we live. Like in 1Tim 2:12:

"I do not permit a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet."

She claims that Timothy was dealing with a specific issue in Ephesus. That it was written to a specific audience and that we cant expect to apply it to every circumstance. Hence, sometimes women preachers and teachers might be ok. But in the end she makes sure to tell me that she just doesn't know. That she hasn't done extensive reading and research.

Another time when she'll use the same argument is in 1 Cor 11:4-10:

"Every man who has something on his head while praying or prophesying disgraces his head. But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved. For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head. For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake. Therefore the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels."

She'll point how how women don't use head coverings anymore so that this was purely cultural that has no bearing on us nowadays and that if it did, it means that women who have cancer and bald heads can't pray to God without covering their heads or else they are sinning.

It's frustrating debating with her because she'll tell me that, no matter what I say, she just isn't sure unless she does her own research but she never actually goes and does research to hear the different arguments for this stuff. It's just frustrating.. I hope I'm not doing the wrong thing in staying with her.. I love her but I just want to be doing the right and Godly thing for Jesus Christ in the end.

Any questions, comments, advice, or concerns would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
 

RamistThomist

Puritanboard Clerk
Is she Trinitarian Pentecostal or Oneness Pentecostal?

Don't worry too much about making her a Calvinist. The term "Calvinist" is almost worse than useless. Show her the larger vision of Reformed covenantal theology.

As to birth control: all forms of contraceptives (Pill, condoms, etc) or just the pill is what you are opposed to? And medically, people's bodies react differently to different methods (and for what it's worth, I think NFP is cheating but I am not going to fight that here).
 

Jonathan95

Puritan Board Sophomore
Is she Trinitarian Pentecostal or Oneness Pentecostal?

Absolutely Trinitarian

As to birth control: all forms of contraceptives (Pill, condoms, etc) or just the pill is what you are opposed to?

Opposed to all abortifacients as is she. Although, she is fine with condoms. As for me.. I'm not sure I've ever considered that before. I didn't think the woman I would marry would ever want to use stuff like that. I never know how to respond or what to think about condoms.
 

Gforce9

Puritan Board Junior
Is she Trinitarian Pentecostal or Oneness Pentecostal

Jacob brings up an essential point here. If a Oneness, you have an problem. The other issues are tricky because we don't know the future. Will she, one day, submit to the the authority of a Reformed church? Will her views on women officers change over time? I bet over 90% of us here believe differently (to one degree or another) than we did 20 years ago. Will God so work in her to bring her views (and your's) into a harmonious Reformed view in time? No one can answer thes. Before marriage, I believe it good to look at and judge soberly the situation. After marriage, don't look so critically.....
 

RamistThomist

Puritanboard Clerk
Absolutely Trinitarian



Opposed to all abortifacients as is she. Although, she is fine with condoms. As for me.. I'm not sure I've ever considered that before. I didn't think the woman I would marry would ever want to use stuff like that. I never know how to respond or what to think about condoms.

Do y'all have a working (if tentative) timeline on marriage? That might put some of the issues in perspective. That's she's Trinitarian is good. The rest are workable
 

PuritanCovenanter

The Joyful Curmudgeon
Staff member
Have you spoken with your Elders / Pastor about this. I didn't listen to mine before I got married when I was a younger man. I was in Love and God changes people. I ended up raising 3 boys by myself. After I got married I learned the importance of Hebrews 13:7,17 along with the importance of Pastors and Eldership for helping the body of Christ to mature. Ephesians 4:11-13
 

greenbaggins

Administrator
Staff member
On the one hand, it does not seem to me that she is particularly hardened in any of the opinions wherein she differs from you. My wife did not believe in paedo-baptism until shortly before we were married, but even then, she was not fully convinced of it. You don't have to have everything in place. On the other hand, the Scripture issue (of which the 1 Tim 2 and headcovering views are merely a symptom) is really important. What kind of authority does Scripture have? This seems to me the one most important point you will need to settle. But you don't have to have every theological point ironed out ahead of time. Some of the spiritual leadership you would exercise after marriage would be in those areas, and you would need to lead gently and lovingly to the truth.
 

Southern Presbyterian

Puritan Board Doctor
Randy is correct. This matter is best dealt with by godly men who know you both. Anonymous internet advice is a poor substitute in matters of such personal and individual import. in my opinion.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk
 

Jake

Puritan Board Senior
Don't worry too much about making her a Calvinist. The term "Calvinist" is almost worse than useless. Show her the larger vision of Reformed covenantal theology.

Agreed. I think looking at bigger picture things from a Reformed perspective like covenant theology, how to read the Bible, the law, and so on is a better place to start than getting bogged down in the particulars of the five points. Also it's worth discussing the things with practical applications like Reformed view of the Sabbath.
 

Cymro

Puritan Board Junior
Considering you only met in May, I think the conversations you are having ,e.g, marriage and contraception is precipitous. Call me old fashioned, but contraception was not discussed until we were about to be married after some years of courting. And then it was a non starter. Develope your relationship by bible study together, curbing your Reformed enthusiasm and patiently and wisely giving biblical responses without insisting. Heed Randy's advice and have your oversight to discern her character and spirituality, as ones own vision can be blurred, hence the adage, love is blind.
 

RamistThomist

Puritanboard Clerk
The only reason I can see contraception being brought up is that if one is a Doug Phillips Quiver-type and the other just isn't sure, it's probably best to address that now. But most people are in between.
 

Jonathan95

Puritan Board Sophomore
Do y'all have a working (if tentative) timeline on marriage?

Well we were thinking by December 2018. That gives us a little more than a year to find a good church to attend together and get integrated into a community were we can serve, be served, and where we can be loved on by others who know us best.

Heed Randy's advice and have your oversight to discern her character and spirituality, as ones own vision can be blurred

Will do. Thank you so much!
 

Dachaser

Puritan Board Doctor
I met my girlfriend online back in May. She was living in California at the time and now she moved out here to Boston for work and to try and make things work with me. She is an incredible Christian woman although we disagree on things which I think is a big deal. She continues to say that I am making mountains out of mole hills.

She ascribes to being Pentecostal because she grew up in that kind of church although she doesn't really know if the gifts are still for today. She doesn't practice any like the Pentecostals claim to. Also, and it's strange to try and explain this, it seems like she's a Calvinist that doesn't want to be a Calvinist. I mean this in the sense that she accepts the doctrines of grace as described in the 5 points. With that said, she would NEVER claim to be a Calvinist for whatever reason, and that's fine. In the end Christ in king. We are Christians before we are anything else anyway.

We also disagree about the use of contraception. If we ever got married she would want to use it for about 2 years while I'd rather not. Maybe that's my bad and I just don't know it yet.

Another thing is that she continues to go on and on about how the culture affected why some things in the Bible had to be said but that don't apply to us today where we live. Like in 1Tim 2:12:

"I do not permit a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet."

She claims that Timothy was dealing with a specific issue in Ephesus. That it was written to a specific audience and that we cant expect to apply it to every circumstance. Hence, sometimes women preachers and teachers might be ok. But in the end she makes sure to tell me that she just doesn't know. That she hasn't done extensive reading and research.

Another time when she'll use the same argument is in 1 Cor 11:4-10:

"Every man who has something on his head while praying or prophesying disgraces his head. But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved. For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head. For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake. Therefore the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels."

She'll point how how women don't use head coverings anymore so that this was purely cultural that has no bearing on us nowadays and that if it did, it means that women who have cancer and bald heads can't pray to God without covering their heads or else they are sinning.

It's frustrating debating with her because she'll tell me that, no matter what I say, she just isn't sure unless she does her own research but she never actually goes and does research to hear the different arguments for this stuff. It's just frustrating.. I hope I'm not doing the wrong thing in staying with her.. I love her but I just want to be doing the right and Godly thing for Jesus Christ in the end.

Any questions, comments, advice, or concerns would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I was a Baptist when first met my wife, and she was in a Pentecostal church that practiced all of the sign gifts, and a head female pastor to boot! We decided to stay together, and earnestly studied the bible and prayed together, seeking the Lord will, and what happened is that her church fell apart, and we both moved to another Baptist church. We will be married 19 years this Month, had 2 teenaged sons, and she is a Baptist, while I have gone more towards a reformed baptist viewpoint, but at least now in the Christian Baptist camp!

She was never into the word of faith, oneness, same it and claim it groups, as if your lady friend was into that stuff, flee...
 

sgemmen9

Puritan Board Freshman
Without having read all the responses above, I think situations like these depend on what your occupation is. If you a pastor it might matter more. If not, then perhaps not. It make take some time for her to warm up to the label (if she ever does at all). When I first met my wife I would say she was "functionally Reformed." She didn't like the label but had a reformed worldview. Instead of using the labels I communicated the ideas from the biblical text and she's more open to it than before. I would encourage you to try having a Bible study from time-to-time and discuss some of those hard topics--things like covenant, baptism, election, and so on. Sometimes if people see it "from the text" it's easier to accept. You might also learn your worldview wasn't as strong as you thought and you'll hone your position but understanding how to better present and defend it. My wife really helped take the edge off how I presented the gospel to others and for that I'm grateful :).
 

bookslover

Puritan Board Doctor
She sounds like she really is a Christian - just a poorly-instructed one. (She's right about head-coverings. Most conservative commentators see it as a cultural issue at the time. Most women don't wear head coverings to church, in my experience.)
 

Jake

Puritan Board Senior
Well she IS currently going to a Foursquare bible university.

Ah, the Foursquare Church. As one Reformed commentator noted of that church's founder (and author of the linked statement of faith), Sister Aimee: “What if I told you that one of the most famous fundamentalist preachers of the 1920s and 30s was not a man but a woman, and not just any woman, but one who went through two divorces and who became something of a sex symbol." Some of the weird distinctives of the Foursquare Church are probably best to address before going to Calvinism proper then.
 

JTB.SDG

Puritan Board Junior
I echo the importance of talking with your pastor and elders. I don't know you, or her, but I tend to think these things will end up being a pretty big deal in marriage. Both the theological differences as well as thinking about contraception. Marriage is hard enough as it is.
 

Pergamum

Ordinary Guy (TM)
This lady is probably going to be the chief teacher of your children in spiritual things (for most mothers are). So be very picky when choosing the woman you are going to marry.
 
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