Dating an unbeliever

Discussion in 'General discussions' started by Minh, Sep 6, 2019.

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  1. Minh

    Minh Puritan Board Freshman

    Here is what I experience as a post-secondary student.

    Long before I came to know Christ, I met a Roman Catholic girl in high school. Because of her good appearance, I become extremely obsessed with her. She is like an emerald to me. Both of us were shy at that time, so we never attempt to have a serious engagement. Now, by the grace of God, I abhor the world's treatment of love and marriage. I am detested by the worldly perception that love is merely to satisfy one’s feelings. And I am horrified how people consider marriage as negligent and how they continue to persist in fornification. But the reality is, I am still obsessed with her. I want either to eradicate her out of my mind or to pray to God for her salvation before I can engage her. God forbid that I attempt in an “evangelistic dating” . So far, I pray earnestly to God for an appropriate resolution without an answer. Unless the issue is dealt with, I cannot further progress.


    What are your wisdoms regarding this matter?
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
  2. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    My wife was an unbeliever when we started dating. It took some lunches and dinners together and after several weeks she grew in conviction. I don't recommend missionary dating, but my girl became a missionary wife and a better Christian than I.

    If this girl is dear to you and you won't fall into Catholicism out of undue affection for her, by all means try to convert her. Then you'll gain both a convert and a wife. All people should have folks who love their souls as you do hers.
  3. Scott Bushey

    Scott Bushey Puritanboard Commissioner

    'yolked' has to do with being emotionally committed to one who is not of the same mind-set. It is interesting that u met this young RC lady quite a while ago, have a changed heart and yet, u still have strong affection for her-even though the word of God frowns upon it.

    Isn't this exactly how one who is not in Christ would respond to this divine covenant, i.e. the girl u have eyes for?

    Is it possible that you are coveting?

    in my opinion, the only way one can actually evangelize someone like this is if their heart were not already inclined; the heart is deceitful, above all things. It will lead u astray. Eradication is a good thought. It is the battle against the flesh and sin.

    Someone cited a portion of Foxes Book of Martyrs recently on PB; it read, 'Sir, are u not afraid of burning at the stake?' the response was, 'No sir! I am afraid of sin!'.

    though, I see Trevor's posts here and on FB, I would not use his situation as a perfect example to follow. though, I would agree, God has blessed him in his wife, it is quite risky and not at all biblically typical.
  4. Ryan&Amber2013

    Ryan&Amber2013 Puritan Board Junior

    Naturally, Scott's wisdom is "most wise." I will only add though that you never know what the Lord can do. I dated a girl in high school in a worldly and broken relationship. We ended it and over that time I became a passionate follower of Christ. We saw each other some time later and we started talking again. At that time she became a faithful and true Christian - God using me to teach her. We dated but then later stopped dating for other reasons. To this day she's still a true Christian.
  5. Chad Hutson

    Chad Hutson Puritan Board Freshman

    Caution!!!! It's an old sin: Genesis 6:2.
  6. Minh

    Minh Puritan Board Freshman

    It is a very difficult situation I agree. I must confess that when I pray for her salvation, I ask God to do so because of His sovereign will.

    So, after all, would it be better to ignore her or wait for God to turn the green light on?
  7. Reformed Covenanter

    Reformed Covenanter Puritanboard Commissioner

    Am I correct in thinking that you are not currently dating this woman? If so, then the best thing to do is not to proceed any further. Paul's prohibition on unequal yoking may be referring to marriage specifically, but the prohibition proscribes not only the specific sin of marrying an unbeliever but everything that tends towards the commission of that sin (and dating falls into that category).

    Yes, I know that it is easier said than done to give up on your hopes, but if you are infatuated with her now, what will it be like if you start dating? The infatuation will only get worse to such a point that you will end up marrying her even if she never converts. In fact, the more likely outcome is that she will turn away your heart and you will end up swimming the Tiber to Rome.

    To be honest, I find the prohibition on marrying an unbeliever the most difficult to understand because a) marriage is an institution of nature, not grace; b) marriage is given for the avoidance of fornication and the production of offspring, yet suitable Christian women are either very hard to come by or else things do not work out with them.

    Such thinking is fallacious, as God knows what is best for us even if we cannot see it at the time. While grace does not abolish nature (thus, contrary to what some pious types think, we are attracted to people on the basis of looks and personality), it does perfect it (hence we need to marry only in the Lord, and not those who would turn us away from God).

    I am not going to heal wounds lightly, however. Disappointed love is an extremely serious matter, which can effectively ruin your life. I am not trying to be your enemy; I am just telling you the truth.
  8. Scott Bushey

    Scott Bushey Puritanboard Commissioner

    The right thing to do would be to give her witness that u are not equally yoked, showing her who rules and reigns. I forgot to ask; is she inclined to a relationship w/ u? Like, how committed is she?

    I wouldn't ignore her. I would be gentle and kind. Truthful. Give witness.
  9. Ryan&Amber2013

    Ryan&Amber2013 Puritan Board Junior

    What if you just talk to her, express everything on your mind, communicate the Gospel, give her some time to think and pray about it, and go from there? If she becomes a Christian, great. If not, you have to step away.
  10. Scott Bushey

    Scott Bushey Puritanboard Commissioner

    PS: My wife and I were great friends, even best friends for 7 years before we were engaged. When we wed, I loved her as a sister. The first time we kissed was at the altar. I can't even begin to tell u, after 20 years of marriage, next month, how God has blessed us! It is akin to Paul and his not being able to describe the indescribable. It is only a thing that can be expressed, adequately, spiritually. 2 Cor 12:4
  11. Scott Bushey

    Scott Bushey Puritanboard Commissioner

    In my opinion, this is playing w/ fire. Sadly, u are already knee deep in it. U committed where u shouldn't have committed. The miracle would be to walk away, bid your adieu, and years down the road, u run into her serving vigorously in ministry. Magic!
  12. Minh

    Minh Puritan Board Freshman

    It is ambiguous you know. We are both shy. I got attracted to her while I was watching her playing badminton. I was studying Catholic school back then. I heard my friend said she like me as a friend. I could have reached a successful engagement if I remain in that school. But after I was saved, the Lord dragged me out of there to a public school to avoid Popish flavour. So we were separated for a while until we meet again on campus. It was like an electric shock for me to see her face again. But as shy as we are, we just walk pass by...

    No worry! I actually very much appreciated the answer. It just that I’m lonely so I seek her again. Nevertheless, I’m very inclined to any biblical advice.
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
  13. timfost

    timfost Puritan Board Senior

    I disagree. It's when one has been the target of eggs.

  14. Scott Bushey

    Scott Bushey Puritanboard Commissioner

    Yea spell checker. I meant to go back and change that but I guess it was worth the laugh
  15. Kinghezy

    Kinghezy Puritan Board Sophomore

    Eggsactly. Perhaps Scott's mind is scrambled or toast.
  16. Scott Bushey

    Scott Bushey Puritanboard Commissioner

    I resemble these remarks:banana::banana:
  17. Knecht Christi

    Knecht Christi Puritan Board Freshman

    I would agree with what Scott has said.

    First I would like to say, I am encouraged that you are being cautious, and asking these questions. I have seen many young people foolishly do what was right in their own eyes with these matters, and have seen the immense destruction and pain that has caused. I would also encourage you to talk to your pastor about it as well.

    Something to ponder: why are you so "obsessed" with her?
    It certainly has nothing to do with her love for Christ, godliness, or faith?

    I would search your heart on this, because as those who have been united with Christ and serve Him and love Him, we should be attracted to those who do, and be repulsed by those who do not.

    It seems that you are on the right path here, by recognizing the foolishness of "missionary dating", and recognizing that our hearts are not to be trusted.

    God will provide you with a believing wife one day, if a wife is what you need. I know this can be hard to see right now, or see that there is someone better, but I can assure you, there is. Trust in God, walk boldly, love righteousness, hate sin.

    Praying for you.

    "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" Proverbs 31:30
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  18. Jack K

    Jack K Puritan Board Professor


    It sounds like you don't even know this girl well enough to know for sure whether she is a committed Catholic or just went to Catholic school. I think it's fine for you to try to get to know her better. Ask her if she'd like to meet for coffee sometime. Coffee is a low-commitment way to get to know someone. If she says yes to coffee, you can tell her your story and see how she responds. Who knows, it may even turn out that she's a believer too, or is interested. Maybe that's why you're drawn to her, maybe.

    In any case, if you're shy around girls, it's good to practice meeting one for coffee. I think it's safe to go that far even if you suspect she's not a believer.

    But... most likely she will say no to coffee, or she will let you know again that she only likes you as a friend, or you will talk and find out that she is a committed Catholic or she has no interest in Christ. And if any of those things happen, you need to let it go, dude. Stop obsessing over her and move on. She may be beautiful, but not in the best way.
  19. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    If she doesn't like you back then you are just stalking her for Jesus.
  20. Ed Walsh

    Ed Walsh Puritan Board Junior

    If your friend does not become a Christian, then you need to walk away. If it comes to that, the Lord should make it very clear to you what your duty is. I suggest that time and distance are the most helpful way to accomplish this.

    But that's not what I'm writing about. Instead, I'm giving you my personal story as a way to encourage you to hope in the Lord for a blessed end to your problem. I will bypass the wonderful way in which the Lord saved me who had become little more than a walking dead man.

    But the day after I was saved I went to my beautiful girlfriend of 3 years and told her as best I could what happened to me. Even as a brand new Christian, I knew that if Mary did not come along that we would have to break up for good and forever. I was sure this was the will of God concerning me. But over the next two or three days, Mary read the entire New Testament and amazingly and quickly became a believer herself. Six months later, we were married and have been living happily ever after as the saying goes.

    Without offering you any false hope at all about a happy ending to your story, I give you the following verse.

    Delight thyself also in the Lord, and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalms 37:4 KJV
    That's what the good Lord did for me. He is a promise keeper, you know.

    I still can't believe I posted this but here is a link to a post I made on a PB discussion on this very subject. I am just bragging about my happy ending but recommending the entire thread.

    What role does physical attraction play in courtship/dating?
    [Hint: To avoid leaving this thread, Right-mouse to open in a new tab]
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2019
  21. arapahoepark

    arapahoepark Puritan Board Graduate

    Ah, the devious and envious nature of a crush. Just remember, it revolves almost solely (but not always) around physical attraction.
    Be on guard and pray that the Lord will not knit your affections to her if she is not in Him.
    Otherwise, while this crush that was reawakened, it might be a sign of things to come and might not be. You can ask her out and get to know her on some level but don't stick around if she is a Catholic, especially a committed one.
    Don't let envy take over if things go your way and cultivate it because it will fade eventually and naturally if things don't go as planned.
  22. Minh

    Minh Puritan Board Freshman

    Greeting brothers!

    I was saved from this delusion yesterday by counselling with a brother in Christ. He point me to Jeremiah 17:9. And after a period of meditation, I was quickly disillusioned! It seem that I focus more on her outward appearance than her spirituality. I’m glad God graciously forbid me from such fellowship. Soli Deo Gloria!
  23. Minh

    Minh Puritan Board Freshman

    Brother, I just got saved from this delusion by the grace of God! See my #22.
  24. Charles Johnson

    Charles Johnson Puritan Board Freshman

    Few things have been a much of a blessing for me in the past as awkwardness around women when it meant that I didn't succeed in entering into relationships with ungodly women. I only pray that it's discretion and not awkwardness that directs my paths in the future.
  25. CovenantWord

    CovenantWord Puritan Board Freshman

    For what it's worth: During my single days, I dated a girl for several months, who was of the popish practice, grasping but little of the spiritual demands of the Gospel. I was not at that time convicted about such dating per se; but I did have some awareness that the religious question needed to be settled prior to the wedding. Although I spoke about the Gospel in general terms in her hearing, I did not evangelize her specifically. What I did do is to suggest that we exchange religious services; to my surprise, she agreed. I attended Mass with her once, which I found unappetizing, for several reasons. In return, she attended my OPC worship with me. In fact, she attended several times, even though that was not required by our arrangement. My hopes for our relationship were dashed, however, when, during a casual afternoon date, she firmly stated that she didn't want anything to do with "this Jesus thing." That was the last time we saw each other. I believe, in retrospect, that it was good that she heard the Gospel authoritatively from someone other than me.
  26. Minh

    Minh Puritan Board Freshman

    Well, that's what I hope and I pray earnestly for. If I directly preach the gospel for her salvation then I work for her, not for God. We will need some miracles here. Imagine a preacher accidentally drop a gospel tract on the ground, and then the wind tosses it to her bag before she picks it up and Voila! "I'm saved!" :amen:

    Nevertheless, I would simply leave the matter to God and go on with other business. I don't want to have an affection for her because of appearance. (See 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Jeremiah 17:9) If God's will is she get saved...:married:
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2019
  27. Scott Bushey

    Scott Bushey Puritanboard Commissioner

    Agreed. if she is ordained to eternal life, it will only happen in God's timing anyways. Turn it over.
  28. RJ Spencer

    RJ Spencer Puritan Board Freshman

    I fell into this trap, I have been married for seven years to a non Christian, it is VERY hard! If you want to evangelize to her do so without revealing your feelings for her. If you tell her how you feel she may have had feelings for you as well and she will tell you what you want to hear! The best thing for you to do would be to get a trusted friend and fellow Christian to evangelize her, this way neither your feelings for her nor her feelings for you can lead to a false conversion. That is not to say that it isn't possible for a false conversion, but that she will not simply tell you what to hear. Believe me it is possible for you to want this so bad that you will convince yourself of her conversion even if no change takes place.
  29. JTB.SDG

    JTB.SDG Puritan Board Sophomore

    As the heart goes so goes everything. Your heart is still set on her. You can't eradicate her from your mind or heart. You lack the power. Ask the Lord to take that attraction away.
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