Divorce on the basis of abuse.

[John Bunyan]

I've just read the following article and would like to know your opinions on it.

bethinking.org - Bible + Jesus - Bible Scandals - 4. Marital Abuse

 

[Miss Marple]

"Arguments from silence are not always very safe..." (quote from the article) - this is true.

I am not a theologian but I have thought long and hard over this issue, mostly due to seeing some women suffer a great deal. The advice towards them is sometimes jaw droppingly cruel. In the article you cited, a woman was murdered - after returning to an abusive husband upon the advice of her elders.

I read a sad portion of a sermon by Spurgeon, who is usually wonderful. In it he recounts the story of a faithful Christian woman and a hostile husband. He threatened (believably, if I recall he had thrown her down stairs before), to break her legs if she went to church again. Spurgeon's advice: come to church, if he breaks your legs, count it all joy.

I find myself in the strange position of disagreeing with Spurgeon.

My basic rationale, and I await the comments of the learned, lies in the 6th commandment. "Thou shalt not murder" requires a reasonable effort to preserve our own lives and physical health. We find in Scripture, that we are quite free and perhaps even expected to kill someone if they are trying to kill us.

From there, I infer that if I may kill my husband in self-defense, I can certainly divorce him.

The burden on the "abused" spouse and any elders in the mix is to determine, is this woman's life in danger? Or is the husband just being mean, slightly rough, but not murderous? That is a judgment call. But I do believe that if your life or real health is in danger (broken bones, shoves down stairs, being run at with a car), you should divorce to preserve your life and potentially that of your children.

Otherwise, I suppose you can kill him if he is in the midst of attacking you.

 

[J. Dean]

That wouldn't be an issue for our family. I've never abused my wife (except for my singing), but if I were to do so, my father in law, mother in law, and my own mother and brother would see to it that I would be quite incapable of doing it again.

 

[Wayne]

Others might chime in with agreement or disagreement, but my observation has been that
where there is spousal abuse, there is usually adultery going on as well. Or to be more clear,
the guy beating up on his wife is usually acting out his desire to be rid of her, because he's
involved with someone else.

How often that is the case might be debatable, but I would think the percentage is high.

 

[TexanRose]

...But I do believe that if your life or real health is in danger (broken bones, shoves down stairs, being run at with a car), you should divorce to preserve your life and potentially that of your children.

Or you could just leave him without actually divorcing him.

 

[Alan D. Strange]

There are many considerations here, and the Reformers (Calvin, Beza, Sibbes, et al) did not hew to a wooden "adultery, desertion" model in which each of these were taken only in the strictest, most literal sense.

Imagine an unbeliever who says to his wife, "I'll not leave you but I'll make your life miserable, earn no money, come and go as I please, but because I maintain residence, I know that you are bound to remain married to me." I've known of several variants on this case. Is this not desertion? Alienation of affection? Is such a believer eudokew,
"pleased to dwell," with the believer? I think not.

The church and/or civil magistrate are to be involved, especially in helping to determine desertion. This is why the WCF says what it does at the end of 24.6: "a public and orderly course of proceeding is to be observed; and the persons concerned in it not left to their own wills, and discretion, in their own case."

It is Rome that sees this as a sacrament, that allows only bed and board separation. Obviously no remarriage. And many others among Protestants who do not permit remarriage do not really permit divorce either since it is clear, biblically, that where the divorce is allowed, remarriage is allowed.

Much harm has been done here by those who've not really studied this and who have reacted with a too-facile biblical interpretation.

Peace,
Alan

 

[CharlieJ]

I think I would set the threshold of abuse warranting separation or divorce at far lower than life-threatening. Repeated so-called "mild" abuse has long-term emotional damage, may severely distort the minds of children in the home, and absolutely violate any normal marriage vows.

Also, regarding the option of separation, I agree that it's a wise move practically, but theoretically, it's a temporary divorce. The Bible knows only 2 states, married and fulfilling the positive duties of marriage, and willfully refusing to fulfill those duties. (Military service and whatnot is a special case.) Thus, any activity that warrants separation also warrants investigation into the wisdom and permissibility of divorce. In other words, one would separate as an emergency stopgap procedure in order to assess the necessity of divorce.

 

[lynnie]

What do people think about the interpretation of what Jesus was saying in the "for any cause" sentence in that article?

My sister in PA finally left her ex after going to the hospital for X rays. Her 11 year old son had gotten out the 22 and loaded it and was going to kill his dad to save his mom, but dad let up before he had to shoot.

She wanted to separate and not divorce, but state law forced her to file for divorce to get any child support. Had she just separated he was not required to pay one penny for the 5 kids. ( he was loaded, she was a full time Mom). Cops wanted her to send him to jail but she didn't press charges due to shame, big mistake in my opinion.

There is an old PCA paper somewhere that has some quotes from old dead guys we like here, I forget who, but it is along the lines that you go to the church elders and civil magistrate first and try to get them to deal with mean hubby, but if that does not work and the wife has to leave because of the beatings, the husband is the one responsible for the desertion and it is charged to his account.

 

[Pergamum]

Ongoing physical abuse seems to fit under "desertion" and thus seems to be a valid reason to formalize the separation that has already taken place.

 

[Scottish Lass]

I agree with Pergy.

 

[Edward]

There is an old PCA paper somewhere that has some quotes from old dead guys we like here

PDF or Doc formats only, on this page:

PCA Historical Center: Index to the Position Papers of the Presbyterian Church in America

You are probably thinking of Chapter 1 of the 1992 report.

 

[PuritanCovenanter]

Wow, there are so many levels that can be discussed in this. The levels of authority and where we are placed is one. The levels we are called to suffer and to what extent we are called to suffer is also another issue. What constitutes the principle of love, self preservation, God's will, and suffering for the sake of Christ might be another. That last one excludes or includes maybe some of Spurgeon's thoughts that might have been stated above. Either way, Calvin addresses these issues on what a man ought to be in his commentary on Ephesians. The Scriptures never endorse abuse or harshness to our spouses. BTW, abuse comes from both sides of the isle and you can say that someone has abandoned the marriage even if they withhold sex from their spouse unlawfully. We have a case here in Indiana where the wife was physically abusing the husband. Sometimes it comes from both sides of the isle.

I hope the main question and answer will hearken back to Genesis 2. A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Cleaving is not abuse or harsh. It is communion.

 

[Ask Mr. Religion]

Bahnsen on the matter:

http://www.cmfnow.com/articles/pe058.htm

AMR

 

[Curt]

I agree with Pergy.

Me too.

 

[PuritanCovenanter]

Ongoing physical abuse seems to fit under "desertion" and thus seems to be a valid reason to formalize the separation that has already taken place.

I agree. But this doesn't address what we are going through in some churches and it is way less than we are going through in others. I am emotionally deserted is a cry from the America's. I am physically denied from the middle east can be another. Where do you want to draw the line? What if a woman seems to have abandoned her husband and committed adultery. Should he just do as is and let her go or discipline her as the Lord does? You haven't answered that. There is too much middle ground here that hasn't been discussed.

 

[cajunhillbilly53]

Wow, there are so many levels that can be discussed in this. The levels of authority and where we are placed is one. The levels we are called to suffer and to what extent we are called to suffer is also another issue. What constitutes the principle of love, self preservation, God's will, and suffering for the sake of Christ might be another. That last one excludes or includes maybe some of Spurgeon's thoughts that might have been stated above. Either way, Calvin addresses these issues on what a man ought to be in his commentary on Ephesians. The Scriptures never endorse abuse or harshness to our spouses. BTW, abuse comes from both sides of the isle and you can say that someone has abandoned the marriage even if they withhold sex from their spouse unlawfully. We have a case here in Indiana where the wife was physically abusing the husband. Sometimes it comes from both sides of the isle.

I hope the main question and answer will hearken back to Genesis 2. A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Cleaving is not abuse or harsh. It is communion.

Don't know how true this is, but I read somewhere that John Wesley's wife actually abused him and that was one reason he did so much traveling. Could be spurious though

 

[Marrow Man]

Not to be simplistic, but too often there are two God-ordained means to deal with spousal abuse in a Christian context. One is the spiritual authority given to the church (e.g., the elders/session addressing this with church discipline); the other is the legal authority given to the state (e.g., the power of the sword given to the magistrate). It does not seem that Christian often make use of either one.