Doctrine of Marriage

[MRC]

I have a young-in-the-Lord brother that I have been shepherding for the past few months. Through this process I have come to understand that he is engaged in a common-law relationship where sexual immorality is a sin. I have rebuked him, gently, on this issue. He does feel convicted about it for the sake of others that might look at them and stumble, but argues that they are "married in the heart" so he has been comforted by God that it is not a sin against Him, per say.

My response was a) sexual immorality is the old fornication word which is any sexual contact outside the covenant of marriage, b) marriage must be a formal affair that respects the law of our government as per Rom 13, and c) that Jews, as our spiritual forefathers clearly respected "official" marriage as the only holy place to conduct in sexual relationships as evidenced in Joseph and Mary not having sex even when betrothed and Jesus making it clear that the Samaritain woman was in a common-law relationship with her fifth "husband" as per John 4:17, 18. I also pointed out that any "voices" that are speaking to him on this issue that contradict scripture is not the voice of God.

He responded by asking about concubines, I responded that they are a sinful sexual relationship as they are adultery.

Of course I did this gently and in love, I am writing quickly to get the facts out. Can anyone think of a better biblical argument for the command prohibiting sex before legal marriage? I asked him to pray about and study his Bible on this issue so that we could connect on it again later this or next week - he agreed. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Simply_Nikki]

1Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman." 2But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
8To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.- 1 Corinthians 7:1-9

Dear Brother,

As you and we all well know such passages are clear, we are not to express any sort of sexual intimacy with a man or woman outside of the marriage covenant. This is one of the reasons Paul instructs us "to get married". So for someone to say that they can express such intimacy without really being "married", reveals the deception brought about by his own wicked heart. Matthew Henry, in his commentary on abstaining from all forms of evil, made a valid point about the relationship between our practice and our theology. Often times it has been said that theology dictates our practice, but in a real sense the converse is also true. When we begin indulging in sin, we often change our theology to fit our practice, so that we can feel less "guilty". But our consciences bear witness! It it is a dangerous road to walk down when we start changing/twisting the truth of scripture to make our sin seem a little less sinful. It seems like this is what your friend is doing.

 

[jrdnoland]

A couple of thoughts that perhaps others can help you add to.

1. God has two forms of revelation, general and special; general is what we all see that God has done and special is His revelation in the scriptures. It is not normative for God to "tell" someone that what they are doing is OK. This is either coming from himself or from some evil influence in his life.

2. Adultery aside, there are a host of other reasons why it is wrong for a man and a woman to live together without the LEGAL bonds of marriage. In a way you can relate it back to the LEGAL claim Christ has on us by paying for our sins.

3. I realize he is a new Christian and you must use tack and step lightly but you must also abide by the word of God. If he can't be convinced in a short time I'd go the Matthew 18 route. Love is doing what's right even when it's difficult and it is your duty to not only try to gently restore him but to uphold the holiness of Christ's church.

 

[ClayPot]

I would question this young man's "conversion" if he is not willing to flee from this sin. He may be new in the Lord, but the bible is very clear about fornication. Any sin is a sin against God. If he is violating God's commands, then he is in sin. His experience doesn't trump scripture. If I were you, I would go through the Matthew 18 process with him. You have gone to him. Go with some other members of the church body to admonish him. If he still doesn't respond, then he should be excommunicated by the church. That is harsh by today's standards, but that is the biblical model. By God's grace, he will repent, admit his son, and pursue a relationship of integrity (perhaps with this same woman). If not, there is no reason to think he is truly the Lord's child.

On a practical level, perhaps there is someone in the church body who would be able to provide him or his girlfriend a place to live until this is sorted out? If they weren't living together, much of the temptation and opportunity for immorality would be removed. Our church body was able to do this for a couple that came to Christ in our body, but were still loving together. By God's grace, they repented, were married, and are expecting their second child!