alexanderjames
Puritan Board Sophomore
This is a long post. But I thought it best to preface this with context.
Three times in the last week I have felt a deep but momentary sense of dread. A sense of eternal wrath, of being cast off and lost forever. A sense of being barred from the blessings of the Almighty now and in the life to come.
I have been living in a great deal of hypocrisy, foolishness and wallowing in sin at times over the recent weeks. Not always, but grossly. I fear because I have kept returning to the same sins and acted in obstinacy and selfishness, despite having prayed earnestly and resolving otherwise. Further, it has been a long time since I have truly felt joy and love in the Lord… again, not that I have not sought God.
From these moments of dread, I cannot recall ever having a greater fear in my life. I don’t normally fear anything. The first of these times was the worst by far. Each has come when I have been considering some part of Scripture alone. The first being reading John Brown’s commentary on Hebrews 10, you know the passage. The last coming from the parable of the wedding feast in Matthew 22.
Immediately I have sought the Lord, pleading the promises of His salvation purely out of the goodness of His Character of His love and mercy, which endure forever, given to us in Christ. And though I have found a sense of relief in time, I do not sense God’s love. Though I do find assurance of His promises of mercy, I do not sense the peace that passes understanding, or joy in the Holy Spirit. And there is great doubting at times as I seek God for faith and salvation. I do not presume upon His mercy, I am altogether undeserving, but am assured that there must be mercy, even for me, because our God is merciful. There is forgiveness with Him, that He may be feared. These things I do believe.
I intend to speak to the ministers of my church about this. I do not believe these feelings are of God, because He does not give us a spirit of fear. Nevertheless in these times there is a part of me that questions whether this is indeed God speaking condemnation to me, and it’s *almost* as if I the creature am in futility trying to argue with His authoritative sentence upon my soul.
Any words of counsel I will hear. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Three times in the last week I have felt a deep but momentary sense of dread. A sense of eternal wrath, of being cast off and lost forever. A sense of being barred from the blessings of the Almighty now and in the life to come.
I have been living in a great deal of hypocrisy, foolishness and wallowing in sin at times over the recent weeks. Not always, but grossly. I fear because I have kept returning to the same sins and acted in obstinacy and selfishness, despite having prayed earnestly and resolving otherwise. Further, it has been a long time since I have truly felt joy and love in the Lord… again, not that I have not sought God.
From these moments of dread, I cannot recall ever having a greater fear in my life. I don’t normally fear anything. The first of these times was the worst by far. Each has come when I have been considering some part of Scripture alone. The first being reading John Brown’s commentary on Hebrews 10, you know the passage. The last coming from the parable of the wedding feast in Matthew 22.
Immediately I have sought the Lord, pleading the promises of His salvation purely out of the goodness of His Character of His love and mercy, which endure forever, given to us in Christ. And though I have found a sense of relief in time, I do not sense God’s love. Though I do find assurance of His promises of mercy, I do not sense the peace that passes understanding, or joy in the Holy Spirit. And there is great doubting at times as I seek God for faith and salvation. I do not presume upon His mercy, I am altogether undeserving, but am assured that there must be mercy, even for me, because our God is merciful. There is forgiveness with Him, that He may be feared. These things I do believe.
I intend to speak to the ministers of my church about this. I do not believe these feelings are of God, because He does not give us a spirit of fear. Nevertheless in these times there is a part of me that questions whether this is indeed God speaking condemnation to me, and it’s *almost* as if I the creature am in futility trying to argue with His authoritative sentence upon my soul.
Any words of counsel I will hear. Thank you for taking the time to read this.