Forty-Seven Church Splits Finally Brings Doctrinal Perfection

[elnwood]

Tominthebox News Network - Religious Humor/Satire: Forty-Seven Church Splits Finally Brings Doctrinal Perfection

I definitely need to visit the Presbyterian Totally Reformed Covenantal Westminsterian Sabbatarian Regulative Credo-Communionist A Millennial Presuppositional Church of Centerville the next time I'm in Georgia!

 

[Blueridge Believer]

I thought, man, this has to be about a baptist church!

 

[greenbaggins]

It's split P's all the way, baby!

 

[Reformed Covenanter]

Change it to postmillennial and I might consider them.

 

[BobVigneault]

Are they Clarkian or VanTillian?

 

[Reformed Covenanter]

Bob, I think they're ClarTillian or Varkian.

Sounds like there is going to be another split.

 

[BobVigneault]

Definitely, 47 splits is no where near enough. Are they EP or not? Are they nouthetic or integrative? Do they have a Worship Leader? Does the teaching elder wear a robe? Which Bible translation are they using? Are they Byzantine or Alexandrian? Do they believe the Pope is Antichrist or an anti-Christ? Wine or grape juice? Leavened or unleavened? Take the offering during worship or leave baskets at the back of the church? Women's head's covered?

Bob, I think they're ClarTillian or Varkian.

Sounds like there is going to be another split.

 

[Reformed Covenanter]

Definitely, 47 splits is no where near enough. Are they EP or not? Are they nouthetic or integrative? Do they have a Worship Leader? Does the teaching elder wear a robe? Which Bible translation are they using? Are they Byzantine or Alexandrian? Do they believe the Pope is Antichrist or an anti-Christ? Wine or grape juice? Leavened or unleavened? Take the offering during worship or leave baskets at the back of the church? Women's head's covered?

Bob, I think they're ClarTillian or Varkian.

Sounds like there is going to be another split.

Reading all this, you wonder how the church is ever going to be united. Thank God that He is greater than our hearts.

 

[Pilgrim]

Definitely, 47 splits is no where near enough. Are they EP or not? Are they nouthetic or integrative? Do they have a Worship Leader? Does the teaching elder wear a robe? Which Bible translation are they using? Are they Byzantine or Alexandrian? Do they believe the Pope is Antichrist or an anti-Christ? Wine or grape juice? Leavened or unleavened? Take the offering during worship or leave baskets at the back of the church? Women's head's covered?

Bob, I think they're ClarTillian or Varkian.

Sounds like there is going to be another split.

For or against sonship?

 

[Seb]

I like the last line of the 'story':

""We're up to 6 people on Sundays now" said Davis. "I know that numbers are not important, but we're hoping to grow a little more.""

 

[Grymir]

This is why I love being a presbyterian! Denominationalism is not a bad thing. That's one good thing that comes out of studying church history. Any alternative is not better. We are already one in Christ. Who want a homogenious church anyway? Bring on the Presbyterian Totally Reformed Covenantal Westminsterian Sabbatarian Regulative Credo-Communionist A Millennial Presuppositional Church of Centerville. I wish i was there. They would have 7 people come this sunday!

 

[DMcFadden]

Yeah, but what about FV, Bawb? You didn't list that.

 

[Pilgrim]

Yeah, but what about FV, Bawb? You didn't list that.

They are Totally Reformed and credo communionist, which precludes FV.

 

[MW]

Not amused! Church splits are a serious matter and ought not to be treated with frivolity. If a person isn't prepared to act on his convictions then his convictions are worth nothing. If persons have had to suffer for holding to the truth then their convictions ought not to be laughed at but supported. If a person has wrongfully followed his convictions to his own detriment then he requires compassion and help.

 

[BobVigneault]

I understand and I'm sensitive to your lack of amusement Pastor Winzer. There are very good reasons for why some splits happen just as there are good reasons for why a family may need to leave a church. A church split is about as comical as a divorce or a death.

I've been in the 'business' of church for many, many years. I've held just about every office and position in a church. I've seen Christ work mightily through clay footed men and women; I've seen very unflattering and embarrassing weaknesses. The thing is, sometimes the reasons we break fellowship ARE frivolous and Christ is not honored. People lose purpose and focus and let pride and pettiness rule the moment. Sometimes one can't help concluding that what we witnessed was just plain stupid and worthy of ridicule. When the reason is frivolous I see nothing wrong with pointing that out. We make jokes because we are frustrated, we make jokes because we are scared that the same thing could happen to our church. We know the proper way to deal with a serious topic but some of us resort to humor in order to protect our own mindsets. Thank you for reminding us that we also need to keep the 'main thing' the main thing.