Fun Puns

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Reformingstudent

Puritan Board Junior
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
 
A just remember: Joan of Arc didn't quit; she was fired.

Thank you folks, I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

BTW, I'm working on a sermon for Reformation Sunday (just before the national election) entitled, "The Audacity of Pope."
 
The good friars were having a difficult time meeting the payments for the new belfry they'd put in the monastery, so they decided to open a flower shop to get a little extra cash.

They did so, and were very successful. Apparently, everyone in the village wanted to purchase their posies from these godly men.

However, the other florist in town was severely affected financially by their success, so he went to the good friars and asked them to please consider shutting down. They, of course, did not, and so after a few more weeks of diminishing profits, he went again to beg them to consider closing.

The friars, however, refused. In desperation, the other village florist contacted Hugh McTaggart, the meanest, ugliest bully in the village, and sent him on a mission.

So Mr. McTaggart went to the flower shop and demolished it, tossing the friars about like rag dolls, and warning them sternly that they'd better close, or he'd be back to do worse.

Naturally, the friars closed up shop that day, and never reopened, thus proving once again that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


A personal favorite of mine.
 
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