Funny things you only hear in Church

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I heard one speaker urging people to have early morning devotions said "It's good to get up before God in the morning"

Another speaker getting husbands to think of the missionfield said, "Ok, so you may have a large wife and family..."

One that I still laugh at was at college. Some of us had put in an order for some books. Some books arrived, some didn't. The guy responsible for processing the order announced, "Those who ordered Satan Cast Out will get a refund."
 
I am soooo glad that I now attend a reformed church, but before I did these were some things I heard frequently in church.

"Did you see ________ about Israel? Looks like the end times are very near now."

"Last Days this, Last Days that, Israel this, Israel that."

"You know I dont find anything about America in the book of Revelation, so it will probably have a downfall before the end times."

"Did you read the Newest Left Behind book yet??"

"Did you watch the new Left Behind Movie yet??"

"Man that Left Behind does an excellent job of capturing what Revelation says will happen" (Honestly I heard that at least 3 times.)
As one who was not dispensational attending that church became frustrating.

Oh 3 more things that made me wanna scream.

"God helps those who help themselves."

"God is in the business of helping people, and we as God's people should be too."

"Whenever _____ prays he always talk to God like they're best friends, he starts every prayer with 'Hey there Big Guy'" (I actually heard a conversation two people had about how they were impressed by someone addressing God in such a blasphemous way)

Now (at my new church)I haven't heard anything laughable yet.
 
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Well, at least no one still uses phat...and thankfully I NEVER heard it in a sermon!! I do believe that a church is still the only place you can receive a "pounding" from 50-60 people and end up better off than before it happened.

(In case you don't know...I found this out with some confusion, in my first pastorate...a pounding is when the members of a church gift a member in need with canned goods and other groceries.)

Ah, pounding! Years ago, I knew a woman whose father was a pastor during the Depression, in the Middle West. His official salary was $300 - a year! During the worst times, he rarely got paid in money. But, thanks to pounding, he and his family never went hungry.
 
I heard a sermon where the pastor was naming off a list of place-names and then mentioned someone being "interred" in a prison camp....

But the way he said it was, " And he was in Frankford, and he was in hamburg, and he was in Paris, and he is in....terred."


I laughed. I thought he said turd and almost laughed out loud.
 
When I was at seminary, a chapel speaker said(I don't know what he was thinking),

"Some of you have come to seminary hoping you will find a little wife and get a big church, but a lot of you will end up 20 years from now in a little church with a big wife"
I hope his wife thumped him good.
 
When I was at seminary, a chapel speaker said(I don't know what he was thinking),

"Some of you have come to seminary hoping you will find a little wife and get a big church, but a lot of you will end up 20 years from now in a little church with a big wife"
I hope his wife thumped him good.


Now, Paul, I remember you laughing heartily at that line until you received an elbow to the rib cage.
 
Bethany, he just didn't want the speaker to miss out on the blessing of a thumping like the one he received!
 
I heard a sermon where the pastor was naming off a list of place-names and then mentioned someone being "interred" in a prison camp....

But the way he said it was, " And he was in Frankford, and he was in hamburg, and he was in Paris, and he is in....terred."


I laughed. I thought he said turd and almost laughed out loud.
:lol::lol::lol::lol: Turd!
 
Great You Tube!!! Though I must say I rarely if ever use my wife or my kid in Sermon illustrations.

That is because you are reformed and believe the pulpit is for proclaiming the word of God, not proclaiming yourself, friendly advise, or a comedy routine.
 
"And I said to myself, self..." as if a literal conversation was taking place between two people! A friend of mine and I actually speak like this when together sometimes, just for the laugh!
 
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