Help with Walk in Christ

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Vox

Puritan Board Freshman
Hello,

Perhaps I should start at the beginning. I was raised in a Southern Baptist church. My father was raised a Primitive Baptist and my mother wasn't raised in the church, but became involved in Pentecostal churches that her uncle preached at. I suppose they thought the Southern Baptist Convention was a healthy compromise? From a young age I can remember being interested in the things of God (especially reading the Gospels). This even extends to trying to get children on the playground at school to sing hymns with me and other such things. I can still distinctly remember dreaming about what I read in the Gospels every night for a time.

Later, from 6th grade to around 11th grade, I became less interested in God. I began to notice girls and get involved with the swim team and video games. We still attended church once or twice per week, and I would still agonize over my sin -- often begging God not to kill me or send me to hell (but nothing ever came of this). Then in 11th grade I got into a fight with my parents while we were at the beach on vacation. The topic of the fight must not be of consequence as I cannot remember it, but the result of it was I went upstairs to take a shower and collapsed in it, begging Christ to save me.

Having been raised SBC, of course this was interpreted as my conversion experience, though now I doubt that due to Covenant theology (the Holy Spirit likely regenerated my heart at a young age). However this set a "fire" in me and I began to study theology. Unfortunately, due to my immaturity, this resulted in me writing class papers railing against Catholicism in very untactful ways (my English professor was very gracious thankfully). Soon after, I began to take my grandfather's "Calvinism" seriously (my mother having taught me to ignore it), largely due to encountering a teacher of mine who was a Reformed Baptist minister. Thus began my journey in Reformed theology, and I began to look for Reformed colleges so I could learn more about it. Soon Covenant College was found, and it happened to even be in my home state. I enrolled as a freshman and spent two years there.

Many friends were made, though at the time I was quite untactful and nearly rabid in my convictions. I constantly got into debates, both in and out of the classroom, about the tenets of Reformed theology. However I never could shake the feeling of needing to agonize with God over my sin and unfaithfulness (I developed an unhealthy propensity for various sexual sins that lasts until this day). Later, due to various reasons, I ended up transferring to a public university where my faith practically fell apart. For the better part of the two years I spent there, I stopped attending church and alternated between calling myself an atheist and quietly fighting with the voice of God that wouldn't leave my head. As an aside, I suppose it should be mentioned that since high school, atheism has seemed oddly attractive to me -- though I know from personal experience it only brings misery. This is best described by my admiration for Sam Harris (I know I know).

Anyway, I began to try to return to the faith, and decided to transfer back home for my final semester of college. Since returning, I have gotten back into the local church and have been attempting to rekindle my relationship with God. This does not seem to be working, and I am terrified God has hardened my heart so that I cannot repent. Sometimes I pray for long periods of time but I feel as though I am talking to the ceiling. Some points of note:

- I was diagnosed with clinical depression while at Covenant, and this persisted into my days at the public university.
- My sexual sins include a long string of "one night stands" and looking back, I apparently have no impulse control.
- I became engaged in the period between leaving Covenant and transferring to the other college. We were together until a couple of weeks ago, separating over many differences (she is a Baptist of the non-Reformed variety who had no interest in Reformed theology for one). We made the unfortunate decision to begin having sex about six months into our relationship, which continued until about a month before we broke up. Truthfully, my refusal to repent of this is probably why my relationship with God became abysmal.
- I have always been terrified that God has enlightened me enough to know of my sin and the predicament I am in, not being able to save myself, yet has not actually regenerated my heart unto salvation. Thus leaving me in a perpetual state of torture where I desire fellowship with God, yet am constantly beleaguered by sin. Is it possible that God will not let me repent? I have confessed all the sins I can think of, and am earnest in trying to turn. I tried talking to my priest but it wasn't much help. Please give counsel.
 
Hello,

Perhaps I should start at the beginning. I was raised in a Southern Baptist church. My father was raised a Primitive Baptist and my mother wasn't raised in the church, but became involved in Pentecostal churches that her uncle preached at. I suppose they thought the Southern Baptist Convention was a healthy compromise? From a young age I can remember being interested in the things of God (especially reading the Gospels). This even extends to trying to get children on the playground at school to sing hymns with me and other such things. I can still distinctly remember dreaming about what I read in the Gospels every night for a time.
Later, from 6th grade to around 11th grade, I became less interested in God. I began to notice girls and get involved with the swim team and video games. We still attended church once or twice per week, and I would still agonize over my sin -- often begging God not to kill me or send me to hell (but nothing ever came of this). Then in 11th grade I got into a fight with my parents while we were at the beach on vacation. The topic of the fight must not be of consequence as I cannot remember it, but the result of it was I went upstairs to take a shower and collapsed in it, begging Christ to save me.
Having been raised SBC, of course this was interpreted as my conversion experience, though now I doubt that due to Covenant theology (the Holy Spirit likely regenerated my heart at a young age). However this set a "fire" in me and I began to study theology. Unfortunately, due to my immaturity, this resulted in me writing class papers railing against Catholicism in very untactful ways (my English professor was very gracious thankfully). Soon after, I began to take my grandfather's "Calvinism" seriously (my mother having taught me to ignore it), largely due to encountering a teacher of mine who was a Reformed Baptist minister. Thus began my journey in Reformed theology, and I began to look for Reformed colleges so I could learn more about it. Soon Covenant College was found, and it happened to even be in my home state. I enrolled as a freshman and spent two years there.
Many friends were made, though at the time I was quite untactful and nearly rabid in my convictions. I constantly got into debates, both in and out of the classroom, about the tenets of Reformed theology. However I never could shake the feeling of needing to agonize with God over my sin and unfaithfulness (I developed an unhealthy propensity for various sexual sins that lasts until this day). Later, due to various reasons, I ended up transferring to a public university where my faith practically fell apart. For the better part of the two years I spent there, I stopped attending church and alternated between calling myself an atheist and quietly fighting with the voice of God that wouldn't leave my head. As an aside, I suppose it should be mentioned that since high school, atheism has seemed oddly attractive to me -- though I know from personal experience it only brings misery. This is best described by my admiration for Sam Harris (I know I know).
Anyway, I began to try to return to the faith, and decided to transfer back home for my final semester of college. Since returning, I have gotten back into the local church and have been attempting to rekindle my relationship with God. This does not seem to be working, and I am terrified God has hardened my heart so that I cannot repent. Sometimes I pray for long periods of time but I feel as though I am talking to the ceiling. Some points of note:

- I was diagnosed with clinical depression while at Covenant, and this persisted into my days at the public university.
- My sexual sins include a long string of "one night stands" and looking back, I apparently have no impulse control.
- I became engaged in the period between leaving Covenant and transferring to the other college. We were together until a couple of weeks ago, separating over many differences (she is a Baptist of the non-Reformed variety who had no interest in Reformed theology for one). We made the unfortunate decision to begin having sex about six months into our relationship, which continued until about a month before we broke up. Truthfully, my refusal to repent of this is probably why my relationship with God became abysmal.
- I have always been terrified that God has enlightened me enough to know of my sin and the predicament I am in, not being able to save myself, yet has not actually regenerated my heart unto salvation. Thus leaving me in a perpetual state of torture where I desire fellowship with God, yet am constantly beleaguered by sin. Is it possible that God will not let me repent? I have confessed all the sins I can think of, and am earnest in trying to turn. I tried talking to my priest but it wasn't much help. Please give counsel.
Ryan, I strongly recommend doing some serious reading in Archibald Alexander's Thoughts on Religious Experience to help you sort through your concerns. Here is a link to an online version: http://www.gracegems.org/26/thoughts_on_religious_experience.htm

Your problems will not be resolved on an online forum. You need serious pastoral counsel, and if you can't get it from your own minister, you need to seek that counsel from another minister who will help you. If you would like, I can put you in contact with my pastor, who is a very tender and loving man.
 
Ryan,

Your situation is a difficult one, but it is one that I empathise with to some degree. On the subject of prayer, given that you have clinical depression (as have I), it is unwise for you to engage in prayer for lengthy periods as doing so will likely increase your mental health problems. Remember that God prefers mercy to sacrifice. It may be wise to get a copy of the Book of Common Prayer or some other prayer-book and get into the habit of using brief, written prayers in your private devotions. (Before everyone starts throwing rocks, I was advised to do the same by a minister in Tyler's Free Church Continuing denomination about 10 years ago; it was one of the best pieces of advice that I was ever given.)

On the issue of sexual sin, even though I am an unmarried virgin who has never even had a serious relationship, I do understand the struggle with heinous seventh commandment violations. The only long-term solution is marriage. As Paul says, "But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." (1 Corinthians 7:2). What I think that you would be best doing is trying to patch things up with the girl to whom you were engaged and marry her. Given that you seem to think that she is a Christian and that you had been sleeping together, I would argue that you are obliged to do so in order to make the best of a bad situation. Obviously, if she is unwilling to work things out that will not be an option.

As Tyler has also indicated, it is probably best that you speak to a minister. I presume that you have a minister at your ACNA congregation to whom you can seek counsel. May God grant you wisdom and discernment.
 
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