Hopelessly Single

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Donald1818

Puritan Board Freshman
Good Day all,

I am new to the Board so I just wanted to dip my toe in the water and talk about a severe problem that I have.

So I am single. Very single.

I have never seriously courted or dated a woman.

As are a lot of people out there, but alas I have found no solas (sp?) in my singleness.

I live in the baltimore area and for almost 20 years I have searched, prayed, begged people to not only help me find a theologically reformed church but one that has any kind of singles or single program in it.

I am currently attending one of the larger reformed churches that I know of in the area and on two separate occasions I have attempted to talk to the pastor and leadership about my difficulty and to be honest I dont think they have a clue, or even really care. As many churches today are still focused on the family, I can not find any place to serve, worship, or meet and mingle to find even one reformed female anywhere in Baltimore.

I used to attend a church in DC and membered there for 2 years and yes there were some singles there but serving and being served, participating and fellow shipping were next to impossible because of the travel, I also traveled further that that to find a place to belong and the simple logistics get in the way. Realistically anything further that is 30-40 miles away is not helpful.

I am not asking to be fixed up, but I really just simply do not understand my situation. As far as I know I am a pretty decent guy. But to tell you all the truth, I am starting to go a little bonkers sitting at home alone. Maybe even a lot bonkers.??

Every year or so I have 2-4 close friends drop off the radar and get married. Im supposed to be happy for them and I am in a way, but, I am not.

Perhaps I am not even really focused on marriage but cant I even have someone to go out with on a friday night?

I have more thoughts but lets see if this is enough to get some chatter going.

OH me and my single friends have been calling it the 15 year curse, cause there is not a single known christian female within 15 years either way of our age. This started when I was in my late teens, and I am newly 40.

Thanks for reading...

Don
 
Welcome, you will find the puritan board a wealth of knowledge
I would suggest asking one of the Mod's how to get a signature

Also I wouldn't worry so much about being single, God will put her in your life in due time. Your job is to get yourself ready for her when she shows up. Be satisfied in God in your singleness.
 
Hi Don, welcome to the board! Are you saying your problem is finding potential, suitable mates or establishing a relationship with these women? If it's the former, I'd suggest online dating. There are Christian dating sites and even a reformed Christian site. Lastly, I'd caution you to guard your heart against making marriage an idol. Singleness is a gift. Use it to your advantage.
 
Hi Don. Welcome to the Puritan Board. Thanks for having the courage to bring up this challenge.

Are you aware of this website?

Sovereign Grace Singles

For what it's worth, you do live in the midst of the most densely populated part of the country. Fixing your signature (ask a moderator) will advise us on your church membership. From there, there might be some suggestions that can be given with regard to networking within your denomination or confessional stance.
 
WOW you guys reply fast,
I think I fixed my signature, let me know if I should add anything else. I have only been here officially for a few weeks.

sorry I had to laugh, I am a senior member of SGS, I have been on the site since it started and in more than 5 years I have only even communicated with 1 female. she lived 600 miles away. we never became much more than penpals.

Most every christian dating site I look into have few if any females within 100 miles of Baltimore.

Just yesterday I looked into christian cafe again and there are more christian women in Pakistan than in the Baltimore/DC metro area.

I would say that my current problem is just finding single christian women that are within my ability to date/court and age appropriate. My heart is to find a reformed woman, but at this point even my friends laugh at me when I communicate my few simple hopes for a wife. When I was in my teens and early 20's I thought I had the luxury of time so I didnt bother with women of faith that really were not reformed. Now starting life in my 40's the only women I cross paths with are divorced and have kids starting college and finishing high school.

I have spent a lot of money on dating sites, and they just dont work, at least for me. The reformed sites are sparse with members and the others generally hate reformed people.

Although I may live in a heavily dense location there is no organization or networking for reformed people. The few reformed churches that are located in the area are sparse in and of themselves let alone non-married people.
 
If it's any consolation, my husband and I courted between Alaska and Virginia, and I currently have some friends about 300 miles apart that I think are getting really serious. So, don't make location a limiting factor.

I don't know why God leaves some of us single for a long time. The grief (and I do believe it is a form of grief) is very similar, I think, to families struggling to have children -- what seems so easy and natural for other people is not given even to those who appear to have a great capability for family life. Look contentment square in the face and ask God to help you deal with it. I realize you can't not think about being single but you can turn your gaze in the other direction and find every way you can to serve God in a local congregation. You have the opportunity for service, contemplation, and prayer that goes far beyond any of us who are married. Please don't look specifically for a singles "program". You should take you place among the adults in the congregation married or not.
 
Welcome to the Puritan Board!

Thank you for being so open on your posting. There are a lot of people in the position you are in. I am 30 and single so I understand what you mean about being lonely. Many friends of mine are married and have kids. Try not to think that being married will take away your loneliness. There are many people out there that are married and are lonelier than somebody who is single. What helps me is being actively involved with the individuals and families within my church. I also try to volunteer and take an active role in ministry around the area. I try to focus my attention on building my relationship with God and the people in my life. When I started doing this the loneliness started to go away and being single wasn't so bad. Like Andres said above "it is a Gift" and I think people that are single have a hard time to grasp this since they do not see the other side.

I have time to:
Read and Study my Bible More
Volunteer
Learn a Trade
Go Back to School

and the list goes on.... This wouldn't be possible if I was married. Marriage is something that I definitely want but I realize that God has placed me in this moment as a single man. I figure I should use my time wisely.

I hope this helps.. I will keep you lifted up in prayer.
 
Don't limit yourself to reformed women - look for solid Christians who are willing to accept spiritual leadership.

Don't limit yourself to your pre-conceived image.

And finally, yes, most suburban churches are family oriented, and not only don't know how to deal with singles, they are made uncomfortable by them.
 
Don,

Welcome. Thanks for sharing.

I married at age 36 and had never been anywhere close before that, so I can probably relate a bit. And I have good friends who are approaching 50 without any prospects. So I know it's hard, frustrating, and brings feelings of hopelessness.

A Christian wife is a very good thing. You're right to pursue it. But I want to say this: Don't join a church to find women. Join a church to be with God and his people.

A good church is a great place to find a wife. But if you turn your search for a wife (a good thing) into the main thing you're looking for from a church, you will displace God. Your relationship with him must remain the ultimate thing.

If you belong to Christ, you are NOT hurting relationship-wise. If you are part of his church, you are NOT among the world's lonely people. Don't you dare think of yourself that way! In terms of relationships, you have a rare treasure most people so sadly miss. You belong to our heavenly Father. You are NOT on the "lonely" end of the spectrum but, rather, on the "belonging" edge.

I still hope for even better things for you, my brother. Being unmarried certainly is difficult. I would encourage you to pray, and to seek God with others at your church. Ask him for a wife. Ask him too for better fellowship with believers. But never forget that the most precious thing of all is the time you spend with him while you're asking. He must be your great love, and the wife he may give you someday your second love.

God can do great work through single people and he can give them great fellowship with himself, even if church life is often set up to cater to married folk. In his eyes, you are not a lesser person. You are exactly the child he loves.
 
When I got saved they gave me a bible and Late Great Planet Earth. I was a full blown Arminian Charismatic. When I met my husband he was going to Westminster Seminary. We were part of a large group of friends for three years and we had friendly arguements often. The essay he gave me to read on Amil eschatology was amazing, I converted to it almost as powerfully as I did to Christianity. The rest came pretty quick although I struggled with P for a very long time. L was simple for me, but not P. I realized finally that this guy was the one person I wanted to ask bible and theology questions of. Look at me now, I read and post at the PB. I had to marry him, he was the only guy I knew that always beat me in a debate.

Be willing to date a girl that loves to read the bible and books. Go out a few times, see if she'll listen to something on CD popular among the neoCalvinists. Piper biographies maybe, they get people hooked. Maybe a book you love. It is entirely possible that you can lead her into sound doctrine, and it'll sharpen your own thinking along the way. Most evangelicals are simply not exposed to good teaching about the sovereignty of God; it isn't a heart issue so much as they never heard anything else but the typical Finney type garbage that pervades our nation. Be willing to start with a girl who really loves the Lord and give it a few times together to see if she is willing to discuss these things. You never know, it worked for my hub.

I hear girls say all the time there are no good eligible Christian men around. Don't give up.
 
Welcome. If nothing else, you'll find great fellowship here.

Jack pretty much said it all.
 
Welcome to PB, Don, and to another sector of wretched desperados amazingly transformed because the only view God has of us is through the blood of Jesus, and we realize we are so passionately loved the King of Heaven Himself stood between us and the wrath that would have eternally consumed us. Now we are cherished even in all our failures, unworthiness, and sin.

So you’re looking for a wife? A good one is hard to find. But so is a good husband. Would you be a good husband? It could be that the Lord is putting you on hold till He brings to you that maturity. You’ve been waiting around 20 years? I assume – from what you’ve said – you’re a virgin; in these days that’s a real gift to give to a woman you wed.

Okay, say you found a woman and you both wanted to marry; after the Lord tied the knot you realize she had a lot of baggage – say, she had been traumatized in childhood, and now feeling safe with you many troubling issues come to the surface and she’s an emotional and spiritual wreck. She wasn’t even aware of the underground currents in her heart. The long and short of it is she is not able to give you the normal comforts of marriage – spontaneous affection and gracious trust – and you find yourself emotionally hurting and spiritually disoriented.

And the questions come to you, Why did you marry in the first place? What were you expecting? To be loved? To receive pleasure and affirmation? To be cared for and cherished? What if marriage turned out not to be the romantic dream so many have, but instead a cross of self-denying love for another who is quite unlovely, a marriage of pain and – humanly speaking – aloneness? Are you a mature enough Christian to take that in stride?

For we do not know – however well we seek to discern the heart and spiritual quality of those we marry, even with much prayer and even fasting – the depths of the heart of the one we become one with. It goes the other way too, women are not able to fathom the depths of the men they wed. We do the best we can, and the rest we leave in God’s hands. And we trust Him in this giving us our mates. He is sovereign in all providences.

So when you say “hopelessly” single I hear you saying you have lost hope in your worth in the eyes of the fairer sex – or even in God’s goodness in providing a suitable mate for you – or even in the existence of a soul-mate for you. In other words, your longstanding singleness has brought you to a state of hopelessness.

It seems you’re in a real crucible, a fiery trial where dross arises to the surface and is gotten rid of, and that which you are made of is purified. This is who you are. This is your life. Can you rest in your condition? Can you praise God in the pain? Can you make the desert bloom with living waters and dispel the darkness with songs of joy?

If the Lord brings you a woman – one who is precious to Him – who has been wounded and broken, can you love her sacrificially, seeking more to love than to be loved, to understand more than to be understood?

I’m sorry if my directness is hurtful or embarrassing, but your courage and transparency of heart have elicited this cut-to-the-chase directness youward. In making yourself known – vulnerable (desperation can do these sorts of things to us!) – you render yourself able to be loved. If we do not make ourselves known, we cannot be loved.

Welcome (again) to PB, and no doubt there’ll be a lot of us prayin’ for you.
 
Welcome to the PB, Don.


Jack K said:
A Christian wife is a very good thing. You're right to pursue it. But I want to say this: Don't join a church to find women. Join a church to be with God and his people.

A good church is a great place to find a wife. But if you turn your search for a wife (a good thing) into the main thing you're looking for from a church, you will displace God. Your relationship with him must remain the ultimate thing.

If you belong to Christ, you are NOT hurting relationship-wise. If you are part of his church, you are NOT among the world's lonely people. Don't you dare think of yourself that way! In terms of relationships, you have a rare treasure most people so sadly miss. You belong to our heavenly Father. You are NOT on the "lonely" end of the spectrum but, rather, on the "belonging" edge.

I still hope for even better things for you, my brother. Being unmarried certainly is difficult. I would encourage you to pray, and to seek God with others at your church. Ask him for a wife. Ask him too for better fellowship with believers. But never forget that the most precious thing of all is the time you spend with him while you're asking. He must be your great love, and the wife he may give you someday your second love.

God can do great work through single people and he can give them great fellowship with himself, even if church life is often set up to cater to married folk. In his eyes, you are not a lesser person. You are exactly the child he loves.
Click to expand...

:amen:

Well said, Brother Jack. Well said.
 
Go preaching in Saudi Arabia, North Korea, North Africa or Scandinavia. Not everyone is supposed to marry - matter fact some people must remain single because there are more people from one gender than other.
 
Good answers from everyone. Difficult for sure. But God will work things out in his way.

I met my wife, and I do not advocate doing this of course for you, while I was drunk at a bar. We were both fallen away 'Christians', and although we didn't know it at the time, God had a plan for us. Two years of drunken, rowdy living and we then got married. Two years later, after being (what i felt anyways at the time) forced to attend her church (which i hated going to), God opened my heart to his wonderful truths and my wife and I both now follow the Lord and left our old lifestyle behind us. We attend services every Sunday and love hearing the Lord's word preached by a wonderful reformed pastor.

Of course, as a God fearing Christian, this isn't gonna happen with you and I in NO way endorse my past lifestyle. But my point is, sometimes things don't work out how we think they will. God used my wife to bring me to Him and in return used me to return her to the Lord. So if someone crosses your path who isn't the exact Christian you can see yourself with, don't dismiss it out right. There are perhaps plenty of women out there that are looking for a godly man like yourself to journey towards knowing God with. Perhaps the Christian dating sites aren't always the way to go. I am sure there are Christians on other sites, maybe some that are looking for and need a man like you. Who knows! God works in amazing ways!

I will pray for you brother! God bless.
 
Welcome to the PB!

A couple thoughts:

1) Don, getting married seems to be pretty important to you (and I can understand why). I'm wondering if when meeting women it comes across that you are very eager to find a wife.

2) As Pergamum continues to suggest, PB Harmony! I can feel the magic in this place. Perhaps Perg could get started on a compatibility questionnaire to roll out to participants. (Though, am I correct in thinking the single guys on the PB greatly outnumber the single gals?)
 
A lot of people have given you great spiritual advice. I have a few practical thoughts from a woman's perspective. Some of these may not apply to you at all. PLEASE do not get offended. I'm just going off of what I've seen with some desperate guys. They may have nothing to do with you.

1) There is nothing a girl hates more than a desperate guy.

If you're wringing your hands, moping around, or tailing girls around like a puppy dog with forlorn looks, you're going about it the wrong way. Find hobbies, do volunteer work (that will get you out of the house on a Friday night), look confident and happy, and people are more likely to enjoy being around you.

2) Long distance relationships can work.

I met my husband online, and then in person for a couple of days before we were apart for an entire summer. I was in love with him way before we ever met again.

3) You say you're a pretty decent guy "as far as you know." Ask your male friends what they think. You may be giving off some sort of "vibe" that you don't realize. I've seen men who cross their legs at the knee like a woman or stand in people's personal spaces, not realizing the other person is uncomfortable. Ask your friends if they've seen you do that kind of stuff.

4) Don't look single.

Let me explain. I have seen many "older" single men (i.e., not teens and twenties) who forget to get haircuts or wear wrinkled clothes or mismatched socks. Their cars have fast food bags piled up in the back seat and they never notice their tags are always sticking out of their shirts. It kind of looks like they've given up because they just don't bother with anything anymore.

5) Yes, looks matter to women.

I dated two other men before I met my husband. I broke up with the first one because of incompatible personalities. I broke up with the second one because I wasn't attracted to him. (Both are now happily married.) I promise I'm not shallow, but spouses really do need to be attracted to one another. You don't look unattractive. But if you're wearing clothing or hair styles that went out of fashion two decades ago, that's not attractive. If you have glasses, try contacts and see if your eyes stand out more or if they look weak and the glasses complement your face better. Some groups think moustaches are a throw-back to '70s gay men (I'm not joking, look online). I'm rather partial to a moustache with a goatee (since that's what my husband has). So look around online for what kind of facial hair complements your face shape and experiment. You can always change it, and you might hit on something you love.

Finally, enjoy being single. I'm a wife and have two small kids. I have to work out my entire day around nap times and eating schedules and bedtime routines and dishes and laundry and housekeeping. I am taking care of others literally 24/7. I don't have a car to get out of the house, so I don't talk to an adult all day long. It's a worthwhile job, but it's difficult. Like the Bible says, a single person has time and resources for serving the Lord that a married person does not have.

Those are my thoughts. Good luck. I know I've been a bit discontented recently with my own lot in life, and I need to remind myself about being content in the present, too!
 
And just to be clear, Don, my comment about whether or not your eagerness for wife comes across with females was meant to discourage such an approach.

There's a lot of wisdom in what Kim said above, so I'm glad she gave her perspective. Single women will by and large be attracted to men who are confident, comfortable, and content with their singleness.

I don't know you, so I'm not saying that you are or aren't a particular way. Just want to make sure things like "hopelessly single" are only an honest expression in this forum and not the vibe you are giving out in general.
 
As a divorced woman with children, I wince a little when I hear men reject the whole category of "divorced women with children" without giving them a second thought. On behalf of (biblically) divorced women, I would like to say that there are a lot of godly, intelligent, attractive, etc. single women out there who happen to be divorced and happen to have some fantastic kids. Just saying.

Seems to me like single men are shooting themselves in the foot when the dating pool is limited and yet they reject women based on criteria that maybe shouldn't matter. Same goes for men who reject women based on their race (not suggesting that you have done this).
 
I second the suggestion to attempt to learn to use your situation to your advantage unto the Glory of God. "While keeping an eye out of course!" We must really guard against unsatisfaction of our circumstances as it can tend towards implying that God is either unwise or unjust in his providential dealings with us.

Sharon, what you said rings true as well. Thank you for have the courage to say that as well.
 
Children are a blessing. I say this as a woman who is childless and probably always will be. Get them where you can :) ( Didn't Idelette Calvin come with children?) And Sharon herself is a blessing. I know few single women who so well model the virtues I would think one would look for in a wise, mature, companionable wife.

(I hope that isn't embarrassing Sharon. Occasionally I can't help myself, when it comes to people I admire :)
 
Ahh ??

I guess I will just remain silent.

The responses that were posted really degraded as they went on. Hope you guys don't do this with really important matters.

Whatever?
 
Don,

I am not sure what type of response you want from everybody on the board. Some of the responses provided above really hit the nail on the head. The fact of this is that God is in control of your singleness. He has chosen to place you in the position you're in for a reason known to only him. We cannot promise to you that God will provide you a wife because we are unsure. However, God promises to work all things out for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. This might be God showing you that you are not trusting in him as much as you should, or because he wants you to join a local ministry and being married would take your focus away. It could be that he is preparing you for your future wife, or that we wants you to be a missionary overseas.

There are a lot of single men out there that wish they were married, but you have to rely and trust that God knows what is best for you, and that he does everything for your good and the good of others. We are slaves to Christ now and our lives are no longer our own.
 
Don,
From what I gather from you, Kim's post is probably most relevant. Take her post seriously, because it was edifying, not degrading, and she took you seriously.

That said, if I could add to any of the wisdom thus far given in this thread, albeit intermingled with folly, I must say that I got the most attention from women when these were true:
1) I wasn't looking (or rather, I wasn't trying)
2) I was confident in myself
3) I was enjoying being single as a time in which I can devote my affections to things that matter to me (God, people, ministry, my hobbies)
3) I was serving Christ in various ministries (common causes and teamwork often bring people together and put you in positions where you can talk deeper than surface-level)

Which could be translated merely as "be happy and confident that right now you are single, so that you can devote your time to various ministries for God's glory" ... because women like men who are passionate, confident, not socially complicated, and godly.

And a word of encouragement: You will do fine if you take all of Kim's advice seriously. How much more others' posts who gave such sound wisdom. To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to be single, a time to be bound.

---------- Post added at 03:13 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:03 AM ----------

P.S.
formalities can suck! (e.g. you only meet her in formal situations, like dates and major functions; very impersonal, forced scenarios) I plan to be marrying my best friend!
 
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