How to small talk

[nwink]

As I'm sure others can relate, "small talk" can often be super hard (and scary) to carry on with others. By "small talk," I mean what you say after "Hi" or "Good morning" to those you see on a daily basis at work OR "Hi, I'm _____" to the new person at church. I'll say "Hi" and then my mind locks up and doesn't know what in the world I could possibly talk about next that would be of a simple conversational nature.

However, sometimes "small talk" is the gateway to talking about deeper subjects or making an acquaintance -- it is the "push" that gets the "ball" of conversation rolling along. For those who aren't naturally good at "small talk," how have you improved to get better at this art? For those who ARE naturally gifted at "small talk," what pointers could you give us who aren't so gifted?

 

[JonathanHunt]

I'm not great at it, but I tend to, when talking to visitors at church, ask if they are from Cheltenham, then say 'I'm from London' which tends to open them up to ask things, and we can chat about our respective biographies. So I would say that I tend to invite further comments by leading statements!

 

[J. Dean]

If it's somebody I know, I try to steer a conversation in the direction of something they have an interest in.

If it's somebody I don't know, I try for some background information. A good way to do this is to note how somebody dresses. If they have a maize and blue tie, I can ask them if they're Michigan fans. If it's green and white or scarlet and gray, I inform them that I will be praying for them

The more observant you are about somebody, the more clues you can garner for conversation.

And NEVER assume a woman is pregnant. Just sayin'....

 

[au5t1n]

Everybody here who's an extrovert needs to read this article and meditate on it:

Caring for Your Introvert - Magazine - The Atlantic

On an interesting note, the majority of the population is extroverted, but I'm willing to bet the PB has a slightly higher-than-average percentage of introverts.

 

[gordo]

Everybody here who's an extrovert needs to read this article and meditate on it:

Caring for Your Introvert - Magazine - The Atlantic

On an interesting note, the majority of the population is extroverted, but I'm willing to bet the PB has a slightly higher-than-average percentage of introverts.

haha great article!

 

[au5t1n]

Everybody here who's an extrovert needs to read this article and meditate on it:

Caring for Your Introvert - Magazine - The Atlantic

On an interesting note, the majority of the population is extroverted, but I'm willing to bet the PB has a slightly higher-than-average percentage of introverts.

haha great article!

Then you might enjoy this one too: 10 Myths About Introverts || CarlKingCreative.com || Los Angeles, CA

 

[Notthemama1984]

I talk about folks like Spud Webb

Only because you are amazed at the little man's flying ability.

[video=youtube;K1hFK24B0VE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1hFK24B0VE[/video]

 

[J. Dean]

Spud Webb... that's a name I've not heard in a long time...

 

[ericfromcowtown]

I'm very much the introvert (ISTJ for what it's worth), and find small talk painful. I just got back from a "meet and greet" coffee with a salesman. Not a part of my job I enjoy.

My wife is an extrovert extrordinaire, and balancing our weekends between "busy and social" (which she needs) and "peace and quiet" (which I need) is a challenge at times.

 

[blhowes]

Debra Fine wrote a book called, "The Fine Art of Small Talk", which I've not read. She was interviewed on CBS News about the topic.

 

[au5t1n]

I'm very much the introvert (ISTJ for what it's worth), and find small talk painful. I just got back from a "meet and greet" coffee with a salesman. Not a part of my job I enjoy.

I'm INTJ, just one letter away. For what it's worth, I think both I's and E's sometimes need to branch out for the other group. Sometimes I need to be willing to hang out with a large group and be less prone to finding a chair in the corner and thinking during a social gathering (I'm not joking; I do this. ), but sometimes an extrovert needs to be willing to sit down one-on-one with an introverted friend and have a more meaningful, non-small-talk conversation (our preferred method of socializing). It's just that the burden tends to be placed on introverts exclusively to change.

 

[LeeJUk]

Just ask questions. Then ask more questions.

Hi, don't think we've met im X, whats your name?
so is it your first time here? do you normally attend another church?
so do you study/where do you work?
Oh you study economics, interesting... [insert some comment].
blah... blah... they will ask you questions about church, job and so on.

Maybe ask about their family, if their planning on going on any holiday's this year, hobbies they have...

 

[Weston Stoler]

I'm very much the introvert (ISTJ for what it's worth), and find small talk painful. I just got back from a "meet and greet" coffee with a salesman. Not a part of my job I enjoy.

I'm INTJ, just one letter away. For what it's worth, I think both I's and E's sometimes need to branch out for the other group. Sometimes I need to be willing to hang out with a large group and be less prone to finding a chair in the corner and thinking during a social gathering (I'm not joking; I do this. ), but sometimes an extrovert needs to be willing to sit down one-on-one with an introverted friend and have a more meaningful, non-small-talk conversation (our preferred method of socializing). It's just that the burden tends to be placed on introverts exclusively to change.

I am confused by what I am. When I am with other people I love to talk and am very extroverted, but I get very unnerved if I dont have (as said in the article) 2 hours of me alone for every 1 hour being with other people. I can go a whole day without talking to anyone.

 

[Edward]

By "small talk," I mean what you say after "Hi" or "Good morning" to those you see on a daily basis at work

We try to stick to politics and religion when we aren't talking about work related matters.

 

[Skyler]

For most small talk-impaired individuals, giving a list of possible small talk topics isn't going to be especially helpful. Scary, probably. Small talk isn't meant to follow a particular structure, and if you don't have the ability to keep the conversation going smoothly after you get off subject, you're not really better off for having a list of conversation topics.

In other words, the difference between people who are good at small talk and people who are bad at small talk isn't knowledge of small talk subjects. Analytic intelligence doesn't contribute to small talk skills.

This is coming from someone on the "small talk impaired" sector, so although I think I comprehend somewhat my problem, I haven't solved it yet. But I'm getting there.

 

[MLCOPE2]

How's this?

 

[jwithnell]

If I'm only with one or two people I know well, things go well. But keeping up a conversation with someone you meet at a party, or dealing with a number talking together is a strain. At one point it was considered rude, but I find asking about someone's work can often lead to common interests or experiences or something that I'd like to learn about. I am totally dead in the water with most suburban Mom's conversation. Soccer? Honor rolls? The newest store? I want a whole lot more substance.

 

[VictorBravo]

I for the most part will not engage in small talk, if it is talk without purpose. If I'm with someone who is made nervous by silence, I'll try to reassure him or her that I do not take offense at silence and I can go hours without words without feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes that puts the nervous chatter at ease.

But the corrolary is that when you talk with someone, really listen. That's the hardest thing in the world to do. But if you really listen, you almost always find something interesting to discuss.

Planning your script in advance is a recipe for not listening and usually ends in malaprops.

For what it is worth, I'm a fairly extreme introvert on that M-B scale: INTP with a heavily skewed "I" score. I don't like social functions, but I go to them anyway and talk with individuals, one on one, listening and trying hard to remember things about them rather than talk about myself. It seems to make me more energetic. Most folks I meet think I'm an extrovert because of this.

Online is a different story. I think I'm a natural narcissist at heart and would love to talk endlessly about myself, as I'm doing now. . . .

 

[au5t1n]

For what it is worth, I'm a fairly extreme introvert on that M-B scale: INTP with a heavily skewed "I" score.

I have a very good friend who's INTP. She says they're really rare. I'll have to tell her I found another one.

I don't enjoy small talk either, especially when I'm thinking or worrying about something important, like a family problem. And I have relatives who think it's a good idea to try to get my mind off of a problem by flooding me with small talk. NOT a good idea.

To address the OP, why bring up small talk to someone new? Small talk is overrated. Ask them important questions about themselves.

 

[athanatos]

I have been naturally INTP, but over the last few years I've become quite solidly XNTP. Some people seriously don't think I am introverted at all, but I love my peace and quiet and recharge time --away from people. Essential.

 

[JM]

I start with, "Hello. Are you a Calvinist or Arminian?" We tend to talk for a while after that.