Humorous Quotes from our Faithful Forefathers

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Grant

Puritan Board Graduate
Good Morning,

I wanted to try and start a thread of a lighter nature, if I may. This idea was spurred by a recent post by @Stephen L Smith and the below story he told about Spurgeon:

Spurgeon once interview a man for church membership. He checked with his previous church to see if he had been a member in good standing in the previous church. They informed Spurgeon they could not recommend him for membership because he "had too much of the flesh". Spurgeon got a measuring tape and measured himself and also the man who was applying for membership in Spurgeon's church. Lo and behold Spurgeon discovered he had "more of the flesh" than this other man. Needless to say this man was admitted to membership in Spurgeon's church.


This story left me rolling:rofl:. So I wanted to create this thread in hopes that others might be willing to share other humorous quotes from men who have been serious a blessing to us spiritually. Is it me, or are the majority of humorous events always linked to Spurgeon? I may not be well read enough to contribute other than this post and marking your post as “Funny”.:detective:


@Moderators, the title is supposed to read “Humorous” not “Numerous”.:doh::doh::doh:
 
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Just this morning, I was reading A Practical Exposition of the Ten Commandments by James Durham. Below is a quote from the most recent RHB & Naphtali Press edition pg. 211:

Therefore, Christ says to His disciples, “pray that your flight be not on the Sabbath day” (Matt. 24:20), because it would be heavy to God’s people to fly [flee] on that day, though it was lawful.

Now to be clear, this is a very edifying section, but my 2020 mind could not help but think that “there you go Durham is writing ahead of his time and dealing with Airplane travel on the Lord’s Day”! Though he obviously is merely discussing regular travel to attend worship, and has no intention of being funny. So let the humor reflect poorly on my fallen mind and not the authors!:detective:
 
I expected to see numerous quotes, a veritable wall of text.

I am not impressed. :)
Well I would not be myself if I did not constantly trip up otherwise good post with 5th grade level spelling/grammar errors.
 
I can't find the specific quote, but I recall one commentator writing about Sisera and the nail which the woman Jael drove through his head into the ground. He took the opportunity to warn about the the dangers of being earthly minded...
 
Good Morning,

I wanted to try and start a thread of a lighter nature, if I may. This idea was spurred by a recent post by @Stephen L Smith and the below story he told about Spurgeon:




This story left me rolling:rofl:. So I wanted to create this thread in hopes that others might be willing to share other humorous quotes from men who have been serious a blessing to us spiritually. Is it me, or are the majority of humorous events always linked to Spurgeon? I may not be well read enough to contribute other than this post and marking your post as “Funny”.:detective:


@Moderators, the title is supposed to read “Humorous” not “Numerous”.:doh::doh::doh:
Spurgeon once arrived for his morning lecture to find his ministerial students puffing away at their pipes. The preacher bellowed, "What are you doing, sitting around smoking so early in the morning???" His students hurriedly emptied their pipes and sat up straight in their seats. Spurgeon took his seat, leaned back, and proceeded to light a cigar. One of the students objected, "You just told us to put ours out!" The Preacher, with an air of bewilderment, replied, "I didn't tell you to put them out; I just asked what you were doing, sitting around smoking so early in the morning."
 
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Spurgeon will always be one of my absolute favorite men of God to read; his theology, heartfelt preaching, and sense of humor resonate with me.

Certainly, one of his more well-known quotes, but it remains a favorite of mine:

I would rather hear people laugh than I would see them asleep in the house of God
C.H. Spurgeon, Lectures to My Students 3:43
 
OPC Pastor Jeff Boer passed this one on to me some time ago ;

Some kind old lady once asked Spurgeon if he thought that smoking cigars was harmful. “Anything is harmful if taken to excess,” replied Spurgeon. “Well then, what would you consider excessive?” she persisted. “I believe that if I got to the point to where I was smoking two at once that would definitely be over the line,” retorted the inimitable Spurgeon.
 
The following from Martyn Lloyd-Jones's "Preaching and Preachers" has always entertained me. Probably because I have heard too many sermons about this deep...

"Let me tell you a story in order to ridicule this notion that you must have three heads, and also at the same time to warn against false additions. There was a quaint old preacher whom I just remember-I cannot remember hearing him but I certainly remember seeing him and remember many stories concerning him. He was a true eccentric. There have been such men in the ministry at various times in the past; there may still be an occasional one. This man was preaching on one occasion on the text, 'And Balaam arose early and saddled his ass'. After introducing the subject and reminding his hearers of the story, he came to the headings, the divisions. 'First,' he said, 'we find a good trait in a bad character-"Balaam arose" early. Early rising is a good thing; so that is the first head. Secondly, The antiquity of saddlery- "he saddled his ass". Saddlery is not something modern and new, it was an ancient craft.' And then the inspiration seemed to have vanished and he could not think of another heading. Yet he felt that he must have three heads to the sermon, otherwise he would not be a great preacher. So the divisions of the sermon were eventually announced as-'A good trait in a bad character.' 'The antiquity of saddlery.' 'Thirdly and lastly, a few remarks concerning the Woman of Samaria!' Now that literally happened. From that let us learn not to force the text and not to add to it. Do not become a slave to these mechanical notions."
 
"Let me tell you a story in order to ridicule this notion that you must have three heads..."

And as an aside, I might add to Lloyd-Jones's excellent observation, that I have found as a listener that preachers should be cautious of announcing: "Today I have three heads." It has resulted in not a few chuckles and a confused look from some children. Bahaha.
 
If you have access to Amazon Prime, you should be able to watch the documentary on Martyn Lloyd Jones, Logic on Fire. It contains a number of amusing anecdotes concerning the great preacher.
 
This is one of my favorite Spurgeon anecdotes...

My mother said to me, one day, “Ah, Charles! I often prayed the Lord to make you a Christian, but I never asked that you might become a Baptist.” I could not resist the temptation to reply, “Ah, mother it appears the Lord has answered your prayer with His usual bounty, and given you exceeding abundantly above what you asked or thought.”—Spurgeon’s Autobiography, p. 69

 
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Some of my favourite sermons by Dr Lloyd-Jones are his 1969 Pensacola sermons. In one powerful sermon, "The deep things of God" he makes reference to 1960's satellite technology. He tells his American audience that England has a bigger satellite receiving disk than America. With tongue in cheek he says to the Americans "that's good for your humility". I have had a good chuckle over that :)
 
I'm reading The Life and Letters of Robert Louis Dabney for the second time. In honor of his 200th birthday, I'll try to post a few select stories as I come across them.

For a time Dabney served as Stonewall Jackson's Adjutant General/chief of staff. Jackson had on his staff a certain Colonel Grigsby, whom our author describes as "a somewhat profane and eccentric man." Grigsby was somewhat skeptical of Dabney's qualifications at first, saying, "I concluded that old Jack must be a fatalist sure enough, when he put in an Ironside Presbyterian parson as his chief of staff."

After having served with Dabney a short time, Grigsby changed his tune: "Our parson is not afraid of Yankee bullets, and I tell you he preaches like hell."

If anyone thinks these words unsavory, I'll remind you they were published by The Banner of Truth!
 
From The Life and Letters of Robert Louis Dabney:
This military life must have been a very trying one to Dr. Dabney from the start. It is known to the reader that, industrious and hugely energetic as Dr. Dabney had always been, he had also always inclined to late rising in the morning; but when he entered the military family of Jackson, he entered a new sphere. His master moved early, and when he rose from the table his servant cleared it off. Nor was any late comer served even with coffee and bread. Funny stories are told of Major Dabney's effort to secure something after a nap slightly too long on one morning. His efforts were in vain, tradition says, and he acquired the habits of an early riser while in that family.​
 
Dabney's own account of what it was like to live under Stonewall Jackson's discipline:
Jackson launched himself and us into the weeks of campaign around Richmond, stripped not only of every comfort, but of the very means of existence, ordering everything to the rear, his own and our baggage-wagon, tents, pallets, blankets, cooking utensils, food, and so forth, leaving us for one week without any change of raiment or food even; except as we might take our chances to pick up, beg or steal something. Let me give one instance: my sole chance for supper Sunday evening after the great battle of Cold Harbor, after a dinnerless day of hard work, was this: a comrade whispered to me, 'Come and bivouac in the next corn row to mine, because I have something nice for supper, enough for you and me, but not enough for three.' The treat proved to be some raw whiskey in a bottle, and about a pint of sliced beef tongue. The tongue was absolutely raw! I could not drink the coarse raw whiskey. Jackson had left me orders to march the corps, at break of day, in pursuit of McClellan. I came with it to Savage Station, about an hour and a half by sun next morning, breakfastless. It had rained on me in the corn-row during the night. While drying myself by a camp-fire, I saw in the leaves a big fat Irish potato. This I put into the fire immediately, my sole chance for a breakfast. Before it was half roasted Jackson called to me, 'Major, we will ride.' Midday brought the beginning of the battle of White Oak Swamp. My show for a dinner there was the following: about one and a half Yankee crackers, which I found lying in the grass. These I helped out by sopping the pieces in some streaks of molasses which had been spilled in a good's box, while under artillery fire, watching and directing one of Jackson's batteries.​
 
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