Puritan Board Freshman
I purposefully chose a strange title for this, although it's true. This is perhaps my greatest Christian struggle, and I do not think I have ever talked about it with anyone in person. I read in the Scriptures and in books about how terrible my sin is, and the hatred saints have for their sin, and how joyful it is to trust Christ. I read stories of saints who have felt so burdened by their sin they get physically ill, and saints who have inexpressible feelings of love and of the presence of the Almighty on them. I can point to perhaps one time in my life where regarding my sin and the Lord and his salvation I have "felt" greatly. I know the Christian experience is not tied up to feelings, but I am saddened I have none. I do believe I hate my sin. I especially hate my lack of hate for my sin. But I don't feel crushing feelings of dread over my sin. I know Christ is merciful and I trust and rely on him as my only venue to commune with God and be saved. But I don't "feel" in a great way over these things. I suppose I should elaborate better. My feelings seem very muted. Sometimes my lack of feelings causes me to doubt my salvation. I examine myself and I do earnestly believe I am in Christ, but I am saddened by my lack of feelings. I also know it's almost ironic that I feel depressed that I don't have depressive feelings. I believe this is harder for me to articulate than I imagined. Please offer me advice, rebuke, or comfort. I just finished reading J.C. Ryle's Thoughts for Young men and that stirred me to be a better son. I have thanked God and will continue to for giving me that book. It caused me to feel more, I suppose.