Introducing the ESV-Onlyist Movement

Discussion in 'Entertainment and Humor' started by Robert Truelove, Mar 26, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Robert Truelove

    Robert Truelove Puritan Board Sophomore

    The ESV is the Word of God in English. What began with Tyndale, reached its culmination with the ESV 500 years later.

    We of the ESV-Onlyist movement believe that God has preserved his perfect word in english in the ESV. All other english translations are either counterfeits or old stepping stones that ultimately lead to the perfect word in english.

    We are comitted to:

    1. We are comitted to: Argueing backwards from the ESV to prove our point...Since the ESV is perfect, arguements against any of its readings are automatically wrong. Whatever arguement works to defend a reading in the ESV is fine, even if one arguement contrdicts the logic used in arguements for other readings. Such arguementation is not really contradictory because, after all, these readings are all found in God's preserved Word in english.

    2. We are comitted to: Camping out in Christian Bookstores to accost people shopping for any other Bible than the ESV.

    3. We are comitted to: Infiltrating churches that don't use the ESV and splitting them over this issue. In this manner, we are starting faithful ESV-Only churches in the US and the world...

    4. We are comitted to: Translating the ESV into foreign languages so people of other tongues can have the pure Word of God.

    5. We are comitted to: Informing the world that whatever is preached from any translation other than the ESV is destructive to the souls of men!!!

    6. We are comitted to: Dogmatically criticizing the Traditional Greek Text though we honestly have no idea what the real arguements are for the support of it. Such arguements matter not because the Traditional Greek Text is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!

    7. We are comitted to: Insisting that all who oppose us are liberals who deny that God has preserved His word.

    And last but certainly not least...

    8. We are comitted to: The obnoxious overuse of bold text in all of our writings.

  2. Semper Fidelis

    Semper Fidelis 2 Timothy 2:24-25 Staff Member

    This can't be true. I heard that some British guy was visiting a monastery and while there saw a Bible with a Celtic Cross on it among some trash that the monks were about to burn. When he returned years later he asked to look at it and found out it was the ESV.
  3. Robert Truelove

    Robert Truelove Puritan Board Sophomore

    That's not the half of it!!! Rock Pluckman wrote in a recent book that in the basement of the same monestary, they found a of copy of the Reformation Study Bible (ESV Edition of Course) that was dated to the 1st century and transcribed by none other than the Apostle Paul himself!!!


  4. Kevin

    Kevin Puritan Board Doctor

    Thank you brother, I am going to use your points in a new (poorly edited, badly typeset, selfpublished) book I am writing on the subject.

    Would you like to invite me to speak at you church on this subject? I will be sure to praise you extravagently to you congregation as "one of the greatest minds in the Church today".:handshake:
  5. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    Thank you, thank you Pastor Robert for finally giving me a cause that I can unreservedly and proudly get behind. I have paypaled my registration fee, please forward my membership package and the "Damn Your Translation" lapel pin. ESV blessings brother. :up:
  6. Robert Truelove

    Robert Truelove Puritan Board Sophomore

  7. Chris

    Chris Puritan Board Sophomore

    Methinks thou dost speak heresy!
  8. Chris

    Chris Puritan Board Sophomore

  9. Herald

    Herald Administrator Staff Member

    Is there trade-in value for my three NASB texts?
  10. Dieter Schneider

    Dieter Schneider Puritan Board Sophomore


    Your comments are not all that edifying. I have joined the board to learn and to share - Hope you don't mind me speaking my mind. :think:
  11. R. Scott Clark

    R. Scott Clark Puritan Board Senior


  12. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    Dieter, on occasion someone on the board will start a thread that is just for fun. Sometimes that fun will be purely entertaining and other times there will be a point to it.

    These threads will use irony, absurdity and wit. Some will be oh so clever and others with be mindless idlings.

    This particular thread if just for fun and also makes a great point about the shaky foundation that the KJV-onlyists stand upon.

    If this type of humor offends you than try to avoid these types of threads. If you can see the humor then feel free to join in. There is no lack of edifying articles on the PB and we deal with matters of great consequence.

    I got a much needed and refreshing chuckle out of this thread.
  13. MrMerlin777

    MrMerlin777 Puritan Board Post-Graduate

  14. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    I moved this thread to Entertainment and Humor. Those looking for discussion in Textual Criticism and Manuscripts tend to be a serious lot. There was just something about this thread that said "Humor" to me. It was just an unction.
  15. Robert Truelove

    Robert Truelove Puritan Board Sophomore

    HERETIC!!! Are you denying that God has preserved his perfect word in the ESV!!!

    I'm disfellowshipping you buddy!!!

    The is guilty of compromise!!!


  16. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    Please don't disfellowship me. I don't see any reason why we can't discuss this in a manner of two mature adults. So what do ya say poopypants. :p
  17. BlackCalvinist

    BlackCalvinist Puritan Board Senior

    Was it just regular unction or extreme unction ?
  18. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    Just a regular, garden variety 'unction'. Probably not much more than a 'hunch' now that I think about it.
  19. Herald

    Herald Administrator Staff Member

    I'm still waiting! Do I get any trade-in value for my NASB texts?
  20. Chris

    Chris Puritan Board Sophomore

    How 'bout a special-edition 'purpose driven life' complete with embrodiered cover?
  21. Kaalvenist

    Kaalvenist Puritan Board Sophomore

    As a Received Text only, AV only, Trinitarian Bible Society member, I'm gonna have to say......

  22. turmeric

    turmeric Megerator

    I'm feeling a little verklempt! Excuse me while I go and blog about this to all of the known world!!!
  23. bookslover

    bookslover Puritan Board Doctor

    I think I have an ointment for your unction.

    I keep waiting for Amourbearer to chime in here...;)
  24. Barnpreacher

    Barnpreacher Puritan Board Junior

    Now why would armourbearer need to 'chime in' on this conversation? We were explicitly told that this thread was just in jest. If Rev. Winzer chimed in he would simply be hijacking this thread with more posts that those who oppose the "AV-only" have no answers for. We've seen it many times before.

    (And I might add, it gets sweeter every time.) :cheers:
  25. Dieter Schneider

    Dieter Schneider Puritan Board Sophomore

  26. bookslover

    bookslover Puritan Board Doctor

    You're right. This thread is in jest. I think he's just as amusing as anybody else on the board. I just thought that his sense of humor (and anyone who has 12 kids has got to have a sense of humor) wedded to his fervent devotion to the AV could make for an amusing post, should he so choose.
  27. Devin

    Devin Puritan Board Sophomore

    Very nice :rofl:
  28. MW

    MW Puritanboard Amanuensis

    I can see the funny side of the parody, Richard, but it is also very sad to think that well-meaning religious people might be suffering from ignorance.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page