Leave and Cleave and Visiting Parents/Inlaws

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Bristol-H

Puritan Board Freshman
Looking for a little bit of biblically-based input.
My wife and I have been married for under a year and she agreed to move to where I could financially support a household. Her family is about five hours away and she gets pretty homesick. We have been working on being together as much as we can when we do go for weekend visits there and agree to be together for church, but occasionally we agree that she can spend a week with them as I return home to work.
Our pastor informs us that this does not meet God's design for both parties to leave and cleave as in Gen 2:24 and she should not be going over to visit without me.

Is there room for a wife to visit family in the absence of her husband and yet remain obedient to God's principles for marriage?

Thoughts, comments, scriptural references, or resources would be appreciated.

For clarity sake:
-We are attending the same church I had been before getting married
-We attend a reformed, 1689 LBC confessing church that holds to the Five Solas
-This same pastor and his wife had provided in-depth pre-marriage counseling during our courtship and engagement period.
-My wife and I are spending on average six to eight weeks together then we agree that she may go and visit for about five days
-Her parents support me as head of my home and do not try to usurp leadership from me
-It is not a situation of her trying to get away from me and we both love being together and she feels cared for provided for by me when she leaves to visit because I don't guilt her for leaving for a while.
 
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Hi Bristol-H, please fix yourself a signature so folks can properly address you and per the board rules. See the link how at the bottom of the page.
Looking for a little bit of biblically-based input.
My wife and I have been married for under a year and she agreed to move to where I could financially support a household. Her family is about five hours away and she gets pretty homesick. We have been working on being together as much as we can for weekend visits there and agree to be together for church, but occasionally we agree that she can spend a week with them as I return home to work.
Our Church Sheppard informs us that this does not meet the leave and cleave mandate and she should not be going over to visit without me.

Is there room for a wife to visit family in the absence of her husband and yet remain obedient to God's principles for marriage?

Thoughts, comments, scriptural references, or resources would be appreciated.
 
What kind of church do you go to?

I don't see a problem with the occasional week visit. I wouldn't get carried away but it seems innocent. As long as her absence isn't causing you to sin.
 
Looking for a little bit of biblically-based input.
My wife and I have been married for under a year and she agreed to move to where I could financially support a household. Her family is about five hours away and she gets pretty homesick. We have been working on being together as much as we can for weekend visits there and agree to be together for church, but occasionally we agree that she can spend a week with them as I return home to work.
Our Church Sheppard informs us that this does not meet the leave and cleave mandate and she should not be going over to visit without me.

Is there room for a wife to visit family in the absence of her husband and yet remain obedient to God's principles for marriage?

Thoughts, comments, scriptural references, or resources would be appreciated.
I'm not really certain that this has anything to do with Genesis 2:24 (and honestly, I wouldn't necessarily consider Genesis 2:24 a mandate). I would argue that Genesis 2:24 (and several other passages) does make it clear that when a woman marries a man her primary responsibility is to that man and no longer to her own parental units (just like the husband's primary responsibility would be to his wife and not his parental units). As long as your in-laws aren't trying to dictate how you and your wife ought to live your life, then I don't really see her visiting them as an issue. When my wife and I lived 10 hours from my in-laws, she occasionally visited without me (particularly when there was a major surgical operation or for the graduations of her siblings), but her parents never attempted to disrupt our marriage in any way.

Now if her parents are trying to control your marriage, then that is a problem and you should be clear with your in-laws about it.
 
There is nothing inherently sinful for a wife to visit her family without her husband. If she is wanting to "get away" from her husband for periods then that would be concerning but it doesn't read that way in your post. Wisdom would dictate how often a wife should be apart from her husband apart from providences requiring such. You mention "occasionally" - how often does she stay the week with her parents?
 
My wife is from Maine and we live now in Arizona. Typically when we go back east to visit her family, she'll go a week before me and I will join her there and then we'll come home together, or else we will both go at the same time and she'll come back a week later than I do. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with this.
 
All these previous answers say it’s ok. But I say unto you that there IS a problem if your wife longs for her family of origin more than she longs for you. In these early years of marriage it is absolutely vital to establish strong bonds - those bonds end up being tested over time. So occasionally visiting family - a few times a year - is fine, but if she’s abandoning you multiple times per month to go see mommy and daddy then there is a huge problem. Fix it!
 
It seems like insufficient information. This is a young marriage going through the trials of relocation. It seems pastoral counseling is more necessary *if* there is a problem. Otherwise, the unspecific comments of this "Sheppard" could make matters that are *relatively* insignificant and manageable much worse.

I wonder what this "Sheppard" proposes you do? Remember, this is YOUR marriage and ultimately YOUR responsibility. Outside perspectives CAN be helpful, but not necessarily accurate.
 
Furthermore, I can't help but wonder how active your church family was before you were married in counseling you and your wife through the process? I assume you must be in a different church now. How do you assess the levels of support compared to the former church and the current one?
 
I'm honestly a little disturbed that someone is inserting themselves into your marriage enough to suggest that this is a problem. A husband is called to love his wife, and if your wife is emotionally helped by having time occasionally with her family, then that is a loving thing to do. We are also called to honor our parents. In some cultures, it is common for parents to live with their adult children. Certainly, it is not unusual for children to frequently visit their parents.

If a husband moved his wife very far from her family and refused to permit her visits home and demanded she stay always with him and never be anywhere without him, I'd be very concerned about her well-being. Isolation from friends and family is the first warning sign of abuse. So I'd say that not only is it acceptable for her to return home to visit her friends and family, but it is a sign of a healthy marriage.
 
After reading scores of books and articles and receiving formal training and counseling thousands of people and hundreds of couples and myself being married 25+ years… More than most people: I know a thing or two because I’ve seen a thing or two.
 
Looking for a little bit of biblically-based input.
My wife and I have been married for under a year and she agreed to move to where I could financially support a household. Her family is about five hours away and she gets pretty homesick. We have been working on being together as much as we can for weekend visits there and agree to be together for church, but occasionally we agree that she can spend a week with them as I return home to work.
Our Church Sheppard informs us that this does not meet the leave and cleave mandate and she should not be going over to visit without me.

Is there room for a wife to visit family in the absence of her husband and yet remain obedient to God's principles for marriage?

Thoughts, comments, scriptural references, or resources would be appreciated.
Your pastor sounds like a meddler. This is your own family's decision, not his. Who is head of your house? You, or some other guy butting his nose where it doesn't belong?
 
Maybe I’m misreading it, but the OP seems to me like they’re traveling to be with her parents nearly every weekend, and on top of that she’s sometimes staying with her parents while he returns home alone to face the week without his supposed helpmeet. If I’m reading that correctly, then that’s ridiculous. Y’all desperately need to establish your own identity as a family unit and a big part of that is learning to have fun together and create your own “traditions” and activities in your weekend down time. If your weekend downtime is primarily spent with her mommy and daddy then that means the only time you two are really having together is the midweek time during which the preoccupations of work affect your ability to do stuff together.
 
Your “Church Sheppard” (whatever that is) may be doing it clumsily, but this person at least intuitively understands that something is amiss.
 
and she should not be going over to visit without me.

occasionally we agree that she can spend a week with them as I return home to work.
Two separate issues. On the second, I'll join the "not enough info" camp. On one hand, if you are happy and she is happy, why is anyone else even involved? On the other hand, too many visits / too much time might become an issue.

On the first - most folks I'd suggest that they start looking for a decent church and flee that one, but I realize good churches are scarce in your part of the world, and you may be stuck with the best of a bad lot. In any event, the absolute rule given is absolutely wrong. Sounds like a person that may be controlling to the point of abuse of their spouse.
 
  • How long have you lived 5 hours away from your in-laws?
  • Of the time you have lived 5 hours away how many weekends have you spent at your in-laws?
  • Of the weekends spent at your in-laws, how many has your wife stayed the week and you returned home?
 
Looking for a little bit of biblically-based input.
My wife and I have been married for under a year and she agreed to move to where I could financially support a household. Her family is about five hours away and she gets pretty homesick. We have been working on being together as much as we can for weekend visits there and agree to be together for church, but occasionally we agree that she can spend a week with them as I return home to work.
Our Church Sheppard informs us that this does not meet the leave and cleave mandate and she should not be going over to visit without me.

Is there room for a wife to visit family in the absence of her husband and yet remain obedient to God's principles for marriage?

Thoughts, comments, scriptural references, or resources would be appreciated.
I do not see any reason a woman, or a man, cannot visit their family without the other.
 
I'm not one with personal experience - I've never been married. I know in general that marriage norms today fluctuate greatly from Biblical norms. However. I know my brother's marriage fell apart over something like this. Her parents moved into their house and refused to leave. They interpreted the "mandate" as only the husband leaving his father and mother, not the wife. The wife's father took control of their relationship, and the 'wife' wouldn't have it any other way.
 
It's very possible that the pastor here sees the OP as a not very strong head, and the young wife as not able to detach emotionally enough from her family to submit to him as her head. Perhaps he's trying to head off a bad situation at the pass. Every situation is different, and every pastor deals differently, but most pastors have seen enough marriages wind up among shoals to detect warning signs. I don't see that he can forbid, but he can advise, and pastoral advice should not be lightly rejected.
We lived for a time with my wife's father, as a matter of economic expediency, and I'm thankful that he did not attempt to usurp my place as head of my wife, even though he was an unbeliever. It was his house, but we were our own family, and we got along famously. So to leave and cleave plays out differently in different contexts.
 
Well, I liked Ben Zartman's answer.

From what you are describing I think your pastor is overstating but not necessarily overstepping in giving the advice if he is concerned. Not God's design? If your wife was taking turns with other family members in taking care of a sick parent or grandparent would he think the same? What if you were deployed in the military?

The post war nuclear family proliferated due to increased societal wealth. It is not an iron clad biblical promise. The leaving and cleaving are spiritual and authoritative transfers. It was not unusual for there to be multiple generations under one roof in prior generations. This may be the best for some today. For others it would be totally inappropriate and dangerous.

I wish my wife could see her family more. If I could afford fly to her and the kids out there a few times a year while renting them a car for a week, I'd gladly do so. Nothing gives me the concern of violating God's design.
 
After reading the update, I certainly have more concerns about your pastor than I do about your marriage. If you in-laws haven't given you cause for concern, and you are happy and your wife is happy, then enjoy your happy marriage.
 
In our tradition (Reformed), men often feel very threatened and insecure by women. I consider you blessed that you don't feel threatened by your wife's affection for home.
 
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