-- Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the millennium (So Far)Meanwhile, in Wittenberg, Germany, a priest named Martin Luther nailed ninety-five theses to the church door. This made the church very angry because nobody could read the bingo announcements. As a punishment, Luther was sentenced to the Diet of Worms, which was so disgusting that he started the Protestant Reformation. This movement got a boost in 1534 when Henry VIII started the Church of England after the pope refused to let him divorce his first wife, Elizabeth Taylor.
Henry went on to have a number of wives, most of whom died in freak guillotine accidents. The next major monarch was Mary Tudor, who was known as "Bloody Mary" because she invented the celery garnish. She was succeeded by Elizabeth I, who is the mother of the current queen and is still periodically seen blinking into TV news cameras on her birthday. She presided over the Elizabethan Era, which produced the immortal William Shakespeare, who wrote such timeless works as Richard II, Richard III, Richard III Strikes Back, and Hamlet Hears a Who, and who gave us a priceless legacy of famous phrases that, to this very day, are pretty much incomprehensible.