Marriage, romance, high expectations

[arapahoepark]

I am wondering if you guys know of books that outline the history of how we got to where we are today, particularly the notion of a fairy tale marriage and sex. Now expectations are higher than ever. Is it due p*rn and our oversexualized culture? Hollywod (I guess in many aways its the same question?) What other resources do you know of?

 

[puritanpilgrim]

Song of Solomon seems to have a very high view of both.

 

[py3ak]

C.S. Lewis' The Allegory of Love will get you some of the way. To the extent that it hadn't happened previously, at any rate, the Victorian era domesticated the grand passion (in ideal terms, obviously not in practice): a clear instance is Coventry Patmore.

 

[arapahoepark]

Song of Solomon seems to have a very high view of both.

You misunderstood. I am talking about how suddenly in our modern world expectations skyrocketed in every way and if a spouse doesn't meet it then divorce, adultery, etc. Is permissible.

 

[puritanpilgrim]

You misunderstood. I am talking about how suddenly in our modern world expectations skyrocketed in every way and if a spouse doesn't meet it then divorce, adultery, etc. Is permissible.

Sorry I misunderstood. I'm not sure things are that much different. We are just much more efficient in our sin in modern times. People have been committing adultery for thousands of years, and the I doubt the reasons our much different today. The culture has become less Christian, so what would have been hidden previously is now being openly acted out since it is permissible. Israel went though this, even without the help of the internet, during the time of Ezra.

It's possible I'm still missing your point.

 

[RamistThomist]

JP Moreland in Kingdom Triangle and The Lost Virtue of Happiness points to a subtle shift. Feelings and Pleasure-Sensations are identified with happiness now, hence the emphasis on "tingly Romance." I also have a great talk that Moreland gave on this subject if you are interested.

 

[pegasister]

Along the lines of what ReformedReidian said, I'd add that the purpose/idea of marriage has shifted. My understanding is that marrying for "love" is relatively new, historically speaking; arranged marriages used to be the norm, and they were (perhaps) more likely to be honored because a lot rode on them (e.g., financial security/livelihood, the bond between two families). The modern world places a lot more emphasis on personal fulfillment and happiness, which makes it more excusable (in society's eyes) to look for love outside of the marriage covenant, or to betray the marriage covenant, etc.

As to how people have the impossibly high ideals they seem to, I'm inclined to say that it's partly because people tend to have elevated notions of things they want in general. The consumer culture and the accessibility to p*rn (both erotic imagery and inappropriate literature) certainly don't help.

The book isn't about this topic specifically, but The Children of Divorce has an interesting chapter describing the history of the institution of marriage. That recommendation comes with a caveat--the book is from a Christian perspective, but not quite a Reformed one. Still, for purposes of the brief historical overview I mentioned, I think it's good enough.

 

[RamistThomist]

Here is JP Moreland (and his wife) speaking on marriage. It's fairly common-sensical yet counter-cultural.