My pastor, my pal.

[Dkshotwell]

This question is for Pastors and Deacons. Do you make a conscious decision not to fraternize with your congregants, going by the strict definition of that word? I'm thinking of a situation from times back where a pastor gave a little too much information regarding things like struggles with sin and whatnot, not from the pulpit, but in a small mens group fellowship. This man in an attempt to "be real", would let his metaphorical hair down with us. I did not like it at all. I want my Pastors friendship, but at the same time i want my Pastor or my Deacons to be " other" because they are. I want to think that the officers of my church are above me, not only in authority, but in practice. It's not that I don't have compassion for the things that church officers struggle with, I just don't want to know the particulars. Does that make sense? All may comment on this however.

 

[smalltown_puritan]

I think your instinct is good. I stay away from these close kinds of relationship within my congregation. I will seek private/personal counsel from one or two of the elders on our Session. There is one man in our congregation who has been a good and personal friend for a while (since before either of us were at our present congregation), but he and I are able to switch hats in our relationship.

There may be some kick-back to this mindset because many like a social egalitarian setting, but at the end of the day, congregants do not want to know and do not need to know the Pastor's struggles; that belongs to the Session's and Presbytery's oversight.

As a general rule, I think we are all a little too quick to 'share our feelings' and disclose our problems, when it should just be dealt with privately (meaning within the family, or within the family and with a Pastor).

 

[J.L. Allen]

It's debated, but I tend to see people come down on the side of keeping some distance, which I agree. However, that should never come across as being aloof, cold, or standoffish. I'm serving a church where I'm friends with the elders. The friendship, with one elder in particular, goes back several years before my serving there (which just started, mind you). I don't mind sharing that I am weak and need prayer and support from people in the congregation, but I've learned (am still trying to learn) to keep certain things close.

 

[No Other Name]

come across as being aloof, cold, or standoffish.

This is far closer to my experience as a congregant than what the OP shared. I have no need - nor desire - to know particulars of a pastor's struggles, but there are many examples in life of pastors only interacting deeply if there is a problem with a congregant, and that almost solely so. God help our shepherds and give them wisdom. All of them and everywhere I pray.

 

[Blood-Bought Pilgrim]

As a very new and inexperienced pastor, my instinct would be that you are generally right, though I could see how in certain pastoral counseling situations sharing in a limited way about past struggles could help a brother who is currently struggling. However that is very different than what you seem to be describing.

I think this point emphasizes the importance of a plurality of elders. Among fellow elders should be the place where pastors can "let their hair down" more freely.

 

[J.L. Allen]

This is far closer to my experience as a congregant than what the OP shared. I have no need - nor desire - to know particulars of a pastor's struggles, but there are many examples in life of pastors only interacting deeply if there is a problem with a congregant, and that almost solely so. God help our shepherds and give them wisdom. All of them and everywhere I pray.

Thank you for your heart for shepherds.

The isolation of pastors is notorious. I think it's why men burn out or, God forbid, commit suicide. Every pastor needs a pastor. They need to be able to share their feelings, thoughts, or challenges without fear of being on the chopping block. Everyone needs an offramp when they sin or have times of despair. If no offramp is available, the results are catastrophic.

 

[Jerusalem Blade]

In my 56 years of being a Christian, I've seen a lot of pastoral styles. There are the "strong, silent" types who give off an air of stability, strength, assurance, and rectitude. They are friendly but not transparent; you don't really know who they are. Slightly different are the "macho" types; I knew one pastor who used to wear a sidearm visibly even while in the pulpit. These are more the tough guys. And that appeals to some, country as well as city folks.

Some pastors are distant emotionally, but still outwardly friendly. And I've seen others who are mature emotionally and spiritually, yet have the inward confidence to make themselves vulnerable, exposing their failures and flaws – and the Lord's graciousness toward them, yet with wisdom knowing that certain areas are not appropriate to share generally.

It also depends on what sort of congregation they care for, and what the pastor's vision of community and relational maturity is. Some folks hunger for authenticity of character and relationships, with depth interactions – though this is usually feasible only in small churches. Such a pastor will "model" (to use an educational term) a certain openness and honesty in the attempt to facilitate – to draw out – these qualities in others.

Myself, I've changed as I've gotten older, or rather, as I've greatly aged. I do let the congregation know who I really am, which being transparent accomplishes – of course transparent within reason and propriety. I don't generally share inward things I might be struggling with as I don't want to expose them to issues that might confuse them or expose them to spiritual depths they are not ready to deal with.

As I've gotten older I have much less confidence in my strength and wisdom, but that's because I've seen what I am really made of, and have learned to depend on the LORD for His strength and wisdom, and the amazing thing is seeing Him answer so many prayers for help in these areas. I've learned to much more live by His promise when He spoke with Paul, " 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong" (2 Cor 12:9-10KJV).

He sustains me as I get weaker. Plus I have a good wife, and her worth is far above rubies or gold! (Prov 31:10,11,12 ff). If I have my wits about me at all I must give Him the praise for it. From a poem I wrote a little while ago:

…the paradox of His strength made perfect in our weakness
His old wrecks warriors filled with His might on the battlefield​