Hello,
I think my compassion muscle is broken.
I will try to be very open in this confession. We have lived among a rough tribal society for 12 years and now am exhausted with illness. I have pitied and have felt compassion for the women and children. We love our tribe in the abstract. We love them for real and have wept for them many times...in the past. Too many times. We've housed the sick in our home for months and had several die in our living room before we had any sort of medical facility built.
But when we got sick and burned out, now we just feel numb.
I found myself at one point during a sad crisis asking my wife, "How should I feel about this? What would a good Christian feel at this moment...I am numb. I have no feelings, I am just too tired"
My inner emotions seem to be a very poor guide. I've gained a cynicism and pessimism about human nature. This is consistent with human depravity I am sure, but we are still to love people despite this. I even treat people medically, even after they threaten me (a fight happens, I then intervene, I get punched, blood is drawn, after the fight ends I then treat the participants who come to my porch). This has happened more than once. I do this out of duty, but I often do not like them. One of them asked me, "Do you treat my wounds because you like me." I responded once, "You are awful...I treat you because I love Jesus. There is nothing about you to like."
The "love" is an action, but there is no feeling of "love" sometimes. I feel like Mr Grinch, my heart is a lump of coal.
Another missionary said this is common and called it "compassion fatigue" - it feels like a numbness. We had a young American girl come and visit us and cry because she missed her family, and I think she was looking for comfort from my wife or I. My wife just couldn't do it. She just looked at her and said, "You've been gone from your family only 1 month....we've been gone for more than a decade...you'll get used to it."
Do any of you experience compassion fatigue? How do you smile and comfort people when you feel numb? Do you have readings or prayers to go to to re-awaken that part of your heart that feels love for others? If I do not feel compassion, but I still practice compassion, is this good enough for now (can I "fake it until I make it"?). What would a good Christian do and what would a good Christian feel?
Edit: I just heard one of my teachers I sent with church donations to a remote post was kidnapped, raped, and beaten over a 5 day period and kept in a treehouse. I am so sad for the teacher, but I also want blood from the perpetrators. I feel anger and maybe even hatred towards them and want them punished....to punish them myself.
I think my compassion muscle is broken.
I will try to be very open in this confession. We have lived among a rough tribal society for 12 years and now am exhausted with illness. I have pitied and have felt compassion for the women and children. We love our tribe in the abstract. We love them for real and have wept for them many times...in the past. Too many times. We've housed the sick in our home for months and had several die in our living room before we had any sort of medical facility built.
But when we got sick and burned out, now we just feel numb.
I found myself at one point during a sad crisis asking my wife, "How should I feel about this? What would a good Christian feel at this moment...I am numb. I have no feelings, I am just too tired"
My inner emotions seem to be a very poor guide. I've gained a cynicism and pessimism about human nature. This is consistent with human depravity I am sure, but we are still to love people despite this. I even treat people medically, even after they threaten me (a fight happens, I then intervene, I get punched, blood is drawn, after the fight ends I then treat the participants who come to my porch). This has happened more than once. I do this out of duty, but I often do not like them. One of them asked me, "Do you treat my wounds because you like me." I responded once, "You are awful...I treat you because I love Jesus. There is nothing about you to like."
The "love" is an action, but there is no feeling of "love" sometimes. I feel like Mr Grinch, my heart is a lump of coal.
Another missionary said this is common and called it "compassion fatigue" - it feels like a numbness. We had a young American girl come and visit us and cry because she missed her family, and I think she was looking for comfort from my wife or I. My wife just couldn't do it. She just looked at her and said, "You've been gone from your family only 1 month....we've been gone for more than a decade...you'll get used to it."
Do any of you experience compassion fatigue? How do you smile and comfort people when you feel numb? Do you have readings or prayers to go to to re-awaken that part of your heart that feels love for others? If I do not feel compassion, but I still practice compassion, is this good enough for now (can I "fake it until I make it"?). What would a good Christian do and what would a good Christian feel?
Edit: I just heard one of my teachers I sent with church donations to a remote post was kidnapped, raped, and beaten over a 5 day period and kept in a treehouse. I am so sad for the teacher, but I also want blood from the perpetrators. I feel anger and maybe even hatred towards them and want them punished....to punish them myself.