Slightly embarrassed to ask this

[AnnaBanana]

As the title says, I am slightly embarrassed to talk about this, which I don't truly no why. I am guessing it is because the world tells us we need to follow a specific plan (which I do NOT follow but still sometimes the pressure will creep it's way in) you know - engaged, married, kids...

Well, I'm neither of those. I was once, but it didn't work out and looking back I can see exactly why the Lord allowed me to go through it. I grew, and learned, and was able to fall deeply in love with Him.

I do desire to become a wife. I pray for the man the Lord has planned for me that in this season of singleness for both of us, that we would flourish in our relationship in the Lord so that when we come together we would be a couple that would represent the Church and Christ.

But... what if that isn't for me? What if I have this desire, but the Lord chooses otherwise. I understand that it may NOT be for me and I will admit through clenched teeth, that I am okay with that. I am okay with seeing some of my friends with the man they love and creating a family of their own. Do I some days wish I had someone to come home to after work and join me in my Bible reading and netflix parties? Sure. But, then there are days where I am truly thankful that I can spend all my time with the Lord and truly cherish my relationship with him.

So question number 1: How did you/are you deal with singleness?

Here is my other question, and it may be silly to most but I am truly seeking clarification:

Why does God in Genesis say:

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Genesis 2:18

and

Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.

but then Paul says

1 Corinthians 7:8
Now to the unmarried and widows I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am.

and

1 Corinthians 7:1
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”

 

[OPC'n]

No one can know if God will give them a spouse....he may or he may not. He gives those two different classes of Scripture to show the good in both situations. I believe this "trial" is as any other trial. Through all our trials he wants us to grow and learn to depend entirely on him. His grace is sufficient for us and in all things we are to rejoice.

I heard a very good sermon in which the preacher was talking about liberalism which is the throwing away of God's law. Antinomianism is the epitome of liberalism. This helped me to understand we are content only within God's will and find only misery and grief within our sinful will. Obedience and acceptance of God's will flourishes the mind and soul of God's children while rebellious labor breaks the mind and soul of God's children.

 

[Dachaser]

As the title says, I am slightly embarrassed to talk about this, which I don't truly no why. I am guessing it is because the world tells us we need to follow a specific plan (which I do NOT follow but still sometimes the pressure will creep it's way in) you know - engaged, married, kids...

Well, I'm neither of those. I was once, but it didn't work out and looking back I can see exactly why the Lord allowed me to go through it. I grew, and learned, and was able to fall deeply in love with Him.

I do desire to become a wife. I pray for the man the Lord has planned for me that in this season of singleness for both of us, that we would flourish in our relationship in the Lord so that when we come together we would be a couple that would represent the Church and Christ.

But... what if that isn't for me? What if I have this desire, but the Lord chooses otherwise. I understand that it may NOT be for me and I will admit through clenched teeth, that I am okay with that. I am okay with seeing some of my friends with the man they love and creating a family of their own. Do I some days wish I had someone to come home to after work and join me in my Bible reading and netflix parties? Sure. But, then there are days where I am truly thankful that I can spend all my time with the Lord and truly cherish my relationship with him.

So question number 1: How did you/are you deal with singleness?

Here is my other question, and it may be silly to most but I am truly seeking clarification:

Why does God in Genesis say:

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." Genesis 2:18

and

Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.

but then Paul says

1 Corinthians 7:8
Now to the unmarried and widows I say this: It is good for them to remain unmarried, as I am.

and

1 Corinthians 7:1
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”

The Lord brought my wife ane me together when we were in early 30's, and during that time waiting upn Him, both of us had all our friends marry it seemed. the advise that worked for me was to use that time preparing by becoming the man God wanted me to be, as he was working on me probably more than even her!

 

[Ryan&Amber2013]

Sorry, I wanted to edit to be more clear - My response is short, but I would strongly encourage you to passionately serve God while you are single (but I hope God blesses you with a marriage) in ways that married people can't always do. This is a blessed opportunity. Really dwell on this thought until it makes sense, as it is very important.

 

[Jeri Tanner]

Calvin explains that when Paul says abstaining from marriage is "good," he means it the same way it would be "good" if we didn't have to eat food to live. Calvin says: "This, however, is perfectly well known, that immediately after the first rise of the Church, there crept into it, through Satan’s artifice, a superstition of such a kind, that a large proportion of them, through a foolish admiration of celibacy, despised the sacred connection of marriage; nay more, many regarded it with abhorrence, as a profane thing. This contagion had perhaps spread itself among the Corinthians also; or at least there were idly-disposed spirits, who, by immoderately extolling celibacy, endeavored to alienate the minds of the pious from marriage." So Calvin says Paul is saying that in view of current hardships it would be easier (good) if they didn't marry, but that marriage is honorable and holy and they don't sin if they do.

I have several friends who didn't marry until their 30's. I also have several friends who met each other on Reformed sites and forums and are happily married. Just saying.

 

[Pergamum]

From the moment the Lord saved me (and even before) my two constant prayers became, "(1) Lord give me a truly Christian wife. and (2) Please help me do something useful with my life."

That is how I dealt with my singleness at 18. Active praying. I also looked for one. I think proactive searching through Reformed sites and Facebook is a good idea (screen them well before you get emotionally involved).

 

[py3ak]

Dear Anna, there is no need at all to feel embarrassed for having these questions. They are natural and inevitable.

1. As to dealing with singleness, it sounds like you are doing so very well. Perhaps it will help to reflect also that all these natural desires are for things which give content to the idea of God's goodness and loving him. He's made us with certain capacities in order to fill them with himself; the presence of desire then, an indication of that capacity, is not a problem, but is as it should be. Now where things require more patience and persistence is maybe in coming to learn that if God doesn't satisfy a desire with a temporary fulfillment, that doesn't mean he intends to withhold an eternal fulfillment. In the case of marriage, for instance, we understand that it's a lifelong condition; but it is not an eternal condition. So the married and the unmarried both stand on the same footing, in one way. Marriage isn't the ultimate or final answer. God intends his children, whatever their status may be, to be directed to himself; some will be so directed through marriage, and others without marriage. Both face the task of learning that ultimately it is the living God who is all their desire.

2. As to other question about the statements of Scripture, neither of those things are said absolutely or in a total void. As a general rule, it is not good that man should be alone. It is better that by and large people should get married and have children. But this doesn't mean there are no other considerations. For Jeremiah, it was better neither to marry nor have children (Jer. 16:2); that was true of Paul as well. And he was so content with his situation, so thankful to be devoted to the Lord without the "distraction" of multiple kinds of responsibility, that he could wish everyone shared the advantages of his situation. If in God's providence we follow the "typical pattern" that does not reflect badly on us; in that condition too we may please the Lord. But if God's providence marks out a less usual pattern for us, that doesn't mean we're fundamentally defective or chosen to be second-rate.

 

[Ask Mr. Religion]

I am of the opinion that marriage is the norm in the created order. The gift of true celibacy is extraordinary and one should carefully examine themselves if a person feels celibacy is something God has willed.

Calvin is instructive here (Institutes, vol. 1, pp. 566-568, Beveridge):

43. Since we are reminded by an express declaration, that it is not in every man's power to live chaste in celibacy although it may be his most strenuous study and aim to do so--that it is a special grace which the Lord bestows only on certain individuals, in order that they may be less encumbered in his service, do we not oppose God, and nature as constituted by him, if we do not accommodate our mode of life to the measure of our ability?

The Lord prohibits fornication, therefore he requires purity and chastity. The only method which each has of preserving it is to measure himself by his capacity. Let no man rashly despise matrimony as a thing useless or superfluous to him; let no man long for celibacy unless he is able to dispense with the married state. Nor even here let him consult the tranquillity or convenience of the flesh, save only that, freed from this tie, he may be the readier and more prepared for all the offices of piety. And since there are many on whom this blessing is conferred only for a time, let every one, in abstaining from marriage, do it so long as he is fit to endure celibacy. If he has not the power of subduing his passion, let him understand that the Lord has made it obligatory on him to marry.

The Apostle shows this when he enjoins: "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife and let every woman have her own husband." "If they cannot contain, let them marry." He first intimates that the greater part of men are liable to incontinence; and then of those so liable, he orders all, without exception, to have recourse to the only remedy by which unchastity may be obviated.

The incontinent, therefore, neglecting to cure their infirmity by this means, sin by the very circumstance of disobeying the Apostle's command. And let not a man flatter himself, that because he abstains from the outward act he cannot be accused of unchastity. His mind may in the meantime be inwardly inflamed with lust. For Paul's definition of chastity is purity of mind, combined with purity of body. "The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit," (1 Cor. 7:34). Therefore when he gives a reason for the former precept, he not only says that it is better to marry than to live in fornication, but that it is better to marry than to burn.
​

Anna, continue to pray for discernment of the will of God for you. It seems celibacy is not your desire. It is also clear the marriage is something all men are obliged to pursue if they cannot contain themselves (not fit for celibacy). Hence, let your prayers include that it be the will of God to place you and a good man in the same path towards marriage. In the meantime, let 1 Cor. 7:34 cited above be your guiding principle while single.

I will lift up prayers for you, too.

 

[AnnaBanana]

Thank you everyone, your comments are very comforting and helpful to me.

I was a little embarrassed to bring this topic up because I always want to make sure my motives are align. I do not want to come across as someone who needs a relationship/marriage in order to make me content/happy or even dare to say desperate.

I was in a relationship for quite sometime and like I have said, I am thankful that the Lord allowed me to grow from that experience, but of course, the good memories still remain and I remember being able to share experiences, life, and hardships together. But, it came to an end and I never want to just want to be in a relationship just for the sake of the comfort and togetherness. If that makes any sense.

If the Lord wills, then I will gladly love to pursue a marriage with whomever the Lord has chosen.

I will continue to pray that I may use whichever season I may be in to lift up His name and make him known. I will also pray that if it is in His will for me to one day be a wife, that it will be to a godly man that reflects Him and lives for His word.

Have a blessed day.

 

[lynnie]

Anna, this comment is in no way critically directed to you. You sound like you are surrendering your life well to the Lord.

If a person does not truly and deeply surrender the longing for marriage to God, and honestly trust Him, then even marriage brings no relief from the power of unmet longings. There might be infertility, and if there are babies then it is having to buy a single family home in a nice area, and then it is more more more, whether related to friends or church or material things.

While I wanted to meet "the one" in college and was 24 when I married, and pretty much had come to a place of trusting God by maybe age 22, and started having babies after marriage, I was somewhat surprised by how lack of contentment could hit me in my 30s and older. Part of it was our financial limits around wealthy Christians with their ski vacations and trips to the Caribbean. Part of it was a few moves and starting over in churches without knowing anybody. Part of it was dysfunctional relatives and wishing I was from a "normal" family.

In retrospect, the years I had to live with an unmet longing and surrender it to the Lord was very good preparation for life in a fallen and complaining discontented society. I've since met so many miserable Christian women who for whatever reason didn't go through this battle about marriage and had decent husbands, but afterwards had terrible problems with trusting God and being content in other ways.

All that to say, try to see it as something you will look back on and be glad for when you are happily married but longings for other things start to get obsessive.

I will pray for you and the right man!

 

[Pilgrim72]

Well, I sometimes struggle with being single too. I have been praying for the Lord to bring someone into my life since high school. I do experience loneliness, desires for a family, and things of that nature.
And I still pray daily for a godly wife.

The only thing that helps me is trust in the Lord. God is sovereign and He is good. I get peace about this, knowing that my home is not here in this life, it is in the next.

 

[Jo_Was]

I think it is prudent to also consider how Paul commends single women to the pursuits of Christian service. The longing for a spouse certainly can bring in a sense of lonesomeness. However, I think Christian service, charity, and friendship can be means through which we can alleviate the loneliness, as it causes us to focus our attention and affections on others. I know it seems obvious to 'not be the same thing' but in many ways, it requires the patience, service, love, and dedication that would be integral to other, or future relationships.

 

[AnnaBanana]

Thanks everyone I really mean it. The Lord is using me in many ways and I pray that I am surrendering to all that He is asking me to do, especially in the situation of being single. So much beauty found in seasons, isn't there?