The Church of Bob

Discussion in 'Cults & World Religions' started by Semper Fidelis, Jul 15, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Semper Fidelis

    Semper Fidelis 2 Timothy 2:24-25 Staff Member

    I wanted to test Bob out on his theology so I could determine the new theology of the "Church of Bob"
     
  2. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    Hey man, don't go picking on my cyber-me. I only found out about the Church of Bob this morning. Of course my digital counterpart wouldn't know anything about it. I was scrambling quick in case Ivan called Foxnews next and I would need some kind of sound bite. I'm still formulating a statement and rudimentary constitution. We haven't even had our first GA yet. We are accepting donations however, please use my email address to send a paypal donation. Send ten dollars and I'll list your prayer request on the PB.
     
  3. Ivan

    Ivan Pastor

    I think I'll remain Baptist! hehe
     
  4. bookslover

    bookslover Puritan Board Doctor

    Of course, is you want to be totally accepted, you should do like the Baptists and call yourself the First Church of Bob. Ya gotta get that "first" in there.

    It would be refreshing to drive into some burg and see the sign "459th Baptist Church"...;)
     
  5. Herald

    Herald Administrator Staff Member

    Oh, and what about the 10th Presbyterian Church? What happened to the other 9? Did they become Baptist? :lol:
     
  6. etexas

    etexas Puritan Board Doctor

    Chuckle.........sweet burn Bill.:up::):up:
     
  7. kvanlaan

    kvanlaan Puritan Board Doctor

    Call me Dr. Frankenstein - because it is obvious I've created a monster!

    I think this even calls for some repentance on my part. Cyber Bob shows that the COB is obviously not seeker-sensitive, which gives the Church O' Bob some credibility (false though it is.)

    Bob, even now, is arranging for air time - Benny Hinn's days are numbered!
    (I've heard he can take even a homely lad like myself and after slaying said lad in the Spirit and laying on his nefarious ways, can transform even the lowliest of my follicles into founts of silver-producing cornucopia. Yikes.)
     
  8. Semper Fidelis

    Semper Fidelis 2 Timothy 2:24-25 Staff Member

    :rofl: You're killing me.
     
  9. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    How to administer the sacrament:
    Just a small dab rubbed on the hands and then massaged into damp hair.

    Some of the benefits of the sacrament:
    * Soothes split ends
    * Smooths flyaways
    * Calm frizzies
    * Add shine
    * Give your hair great manageability
    * Revitalize dull, dry hair
    * Our unique formula has an advanced blend of five of the earth's best moisturizers and emollients
    * 100% Concentrated
    * Contains no water or alcohol
    * Made in the USA
    * Makes you pretty like Bob (Results may vary, benefits only apply to the 'elect')

    [​IMG]
     
  10. Semper Fidelis

    Semper Fidelis 2 Timothy 2:24-25 Staff Member

    :rofl:

    Stop!
     
  11. Herald

    Herald Administrator Staff Member

    As we all know admittance to the Church of Bob is on the basis of hair color. But erroneous sacramentology results in devasting effects. Gone is the the luminous evidence of hair that is reborn. It is replaced with dull brown or jet black that can only threaten the very fiber of Bob's existence.

    One must remain ever vigilent.

    [​IMG]
     
  12. Semper Fidelis

    Semper Fidelis 2 Timothy 2:24-25 Staff Member

  13. Herald

    Herald Administrator Staff Member

    [​IMG]

    Noooooooooo!! I can't take it!! Rich - as soon as the banner of "Pensecola Christian College" appeared on the screen I got sick. My daughter suggested last year that she may want to go to college there. Thank God she is still only 16. There is time. I need to keep her from the Church of Bob chapel at Pensecola.
     
  14. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    Rich, shame on you for that libelous attempt to impugn the most irenic spiritual movement on the face of the earth. The Church of Bob is solidly 'calvinist' right down to it's all natural, un-colored roots.

    We believe not only that "even the hairs of your head are all numbered" but that it has been predestined from eternity past a time for each hair to turn to gray and fall to the ground as a two-cent sparrow.

    Other anchor verses of the COB:

    On Persecution:
    Psalm 40:12
    For evils have encompassed me beyond number; my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me.

    Psalm 69:4
    More in number than the hairs of my head are those who hate me without cause; mighty are those who would destroy me, those who attack me with lies. What I did not steal must I now restore?

    On evangelism:
    Psalm 71:18
    So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come.

    On assurance:
    Isa. 46:3 “Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
    all the remnant of the house of Israel,
    who have been borne by me from before your birth,
    carried from the womb;
    4 even to your old age I am he,
    and to gray hairs I will carry you.
    I have made, and I will bear;
    I will carry and will save.

    On the frailty of man:
    Hosea 7:9
    Strangers devour his strength, and he knows it not; gray hairs are sprinkled upon him, and he knows it not.

    The Church of Bob foretold:

    Revelation 1:14
    The hairs of his head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire (No it's not Benny Hinn)


    For other humorous attempts to persecute the Church of Bob please see the web page titled, Corn On The COB.
     
  15. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    Let's not forget of course:

    Proverbs 16:31
    Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.

    Proverbs 20:29
    The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.
     
  16. kvanlaan

    kvanlaan Puritan Board Doctor

    Brother L., this latest feat has doubled (if possible) my respect for you. Any Reformed man who could sit through the full four minutes of that in person is worthy of a position in the Church of Bob.

    You'll have to wait until after your discharge to attain the full blessings of Bobhood (I'm sure glossy locks are a no-no on base, no matter how pretty) but you've earned it, fair and square. Thanks for takin' one for the team, brother!
     
  17. kvanlaan

    kvanlaan Puritan Board Doctor

    Bill, gotta say, that photo summed up my feelings to a "T". :lol: May the Lord preserve your daughter from these people.
     
  18. Calvibaptist

    Calvibaptist Dallas Cowboys' #1 Fan

    First of all, that video of that singing group made me sick.

    Secondly, is this in reference to J.R. "Bob" Dobbs and the Church of the Sub-Genius? If not, you may want to change the name so as not to confuse people.

    Thirdly, nice reference to the McKenzie brothers in the OP, eh.
     
  19. Calvibaptist

    Calvibaptist Dallas Cowboys' #1 Fan

    "You mean like Democrats?"

    :rofl::rofl:
     
  20. Herald

    Herald Administrator Staff Member

    I'm curious. Is "Bawb Vēēn-yo" a mantra of some sort? Perhaps it is form of ecstatic utterance? I'm seeking clarification.
     
  21. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    We've already heard from the blood sucking lawyers from the other 'Churches of Bob'. We will have to change the name to 'The Church of Bawb'.

    Please don't let Bill frighten you away. A lot of crazy things were said about the early Christian church, ie, they were cannibals who drank blood. This is part and parcel of a new movement.

    The Church of Bawb makes no demands on you, becoming a member is amazingly easy, in fact....

    All you need is LOVE*

    * This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp.Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show.Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton.Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type.Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors.No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified.Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only.Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume.Your mileage may vary.
     
  22. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    In another thread (a very serious thread) Fingolfin asked if the Church of Bawb allows drinking? Don't want to infect that thread with mindless idlings so I'll answer here. From my understanding of Kevin's original post which kicked off the COB, the COB is ALL ABOUT drinking.

     
  23. Herald

    Herald Administrator Staff Member

    Bawb - I've decided to join the Church of Bawb. Per the instructions that you sent me I have changed my name in order to reflect my Bawbness. My name is now Bēēl Brown (see my signature). I sent in a signed personal check with the amount left blank per your instructions. My only remaining question is, what next?
     
  24. crhoades

    crhoades Puritan Board Graduate

    Stay away from the brown acid...;)
     
  25. turmeric

    turmeric Megerator

    Just eat the gray acid?

    Who brought up the "SubGenii"? Sub-genus of what?
     
  26. MrMerlin777

    MrMerlin777 Puritan Board Post-Graduate

    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  27. BobVigneault

    BobVigneault Bawberator

    I cut my hair. Can I still be in the church? I still use VO5.
     
  28. jaybird0827

    jaybird0827 PuritanBoard Honor Roll

    :up:

    Bob! Nice haircut - looks great!

    :up:
     
  29. govols

    govols Puritan Board Junior

    Last time I checked, it was selling for $559.47 on ebay.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page