Theological Light Bulb Jokes

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Me Died Blue

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
I'm not sure whether to post this here or in the General Forum, but here goes. They're some theological light bulb jokes I thought you all would enjoy, from http://home.flash.net/~go4crown/lightbulb.htm:

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One - since his or her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on..

How many Baptists?
CHANGE?? But we have NEVER done it that way before!

How many Neo-evangelicals?
No one knows. They cannot tell the difference between light and darkness.

How many Pentecostals?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness...

How many TV evangelists?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation...

How many Fundamentalists?
ONLY ONE because any more would be compromise and ecumenical... (standards of light would slip.)

How many Charismatics?
None - unless the Lord leads.

How many Dispensationalists?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to keep the promises to the old bulb.

How many Promise Keepers?
None - unless Coach McCartney says it's manly to do so.

How many Calvinists?
Every Calvinist knows only God can change a lightbulb.

How many Episcopalians?
None, they assume darkness is the nature of the bulb and it would be harmful and disrespecful to violate personality of the bulb.

How many Charismatics?
Two - one to change the bulb, the other to have a breakthrough.

How many Quakers?
Someone will, but there is no one officially called to be a bulb changer.

How many Arminians?
Only one, but first the bulb must want to be changed.

How many Charismatics?
None - unless the Spirit witnesses to their spirit man that it should be done.

How many Baptists?
Two, one to change the bulb, the other to preach on tithing in order to pay for the new bulb.

How many Premillennialists?
While knowing where the lightbulbs are, they are persuaded to wait for the official lightbulb changer but no one knows when he will arrive.

How many Arminians?
Since the bulb has free will - it must make the decision.

How many Amillennialists?
Two, one to change the bulb, the other to remind others not to fear the
old darkness or trust the new light--both are only symbolic.

How many Postmillennialists?
One, but now he has to rethink his eschatology....

How Many Liberal Christians?
None - they don't think it needs to be changed.

How many Evolutionists?
None - it will change itself - it will just take billions and billions of years.

How many Lutherans?
17 - 5 to form a commitee to find and nominate 9 people to a committee which shall then discuss the issues of light bulb changing, from which that commitee shall appoint three other people to carry out the final resolution of the second committee - which is that one person shall supervise while one changes the bulb and one will follow up in one month's time to investigate the performance of the bulb.

How many Modern Evangelicals?
It doesn't matter as long as we love each other.

How many Seventh Day Adventists?
Just one - as long as it isn't Saturday.

How many Charismatics?
30 - 1 to change the bulb and 29 to laugh about it!

How many Mormons?
None - it's beneath the character of a god to stoop and change a light bulb.

How many Atheists?
1 - but they are still in darkness.

How many Independent Baptists?
Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.

:lol::lol::lol: Enjoy!

Chris

[Edited on 2-19-2004 by Me Died Blue]
 

Puritan Sailor

Puritan Board Doctor
[quote:2d533c9bac] How many Dispensationalists?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to keep the promises to the old bulb. [/quote:2d533c9bac]

:lol::lol::lol:
 

JohnV

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
Thank you Chris:
I enjoyed this spoofing of our fallen humanity. For me this is a perfect example of showing that there are more ways to comment on our failings and our faith than by protagonistism. Though these are biting at times, there is no hint of a "better than thou" attitude.

You know which one I like? The one about the Lutherans; the committee, the subcommittee, the ad hoc committee, and the follow-up committee. I'll be chuckling about that one for days, I'm sure.
 

Philip A

Puritan Board Sophomore
How many Reformed Baptists?

At least two. The light bulb must be examined by a plurality of elders before it is plugged in.
 

Me Died Blue

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
That's a good one too! My favorite ones on the list are the Arminian one about the necessity of the bulb's wanting to be changed, and the modern evangelical slogan: "It doesn't matter as long as we love each other.":lol::bouncy::lol:

Chris
 

Canadian Baptist

Puritan Board Freshman
:D:lol::yes:
I wonder if during the reformation, the boys sat around and discussed how many Catholics it took to light a candle...
...they probably snickered to themselves, picturing some poor guy checking what tradition says or the last council or the Pope's latest edict.
Soli Deo Gloria.
 

JohnV

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
I got one:
How many dutch Reformed does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one.


Well, yuh, I didn't get it either.
 

pastorway

Puritan Board Senior
hmmmmmm....

so if two [i:7a37a2f337]dutch[/i:7a37a2f337] reformed young people go out on a date, who pays?

:lol:

these are great guys! keep 'em coming.

Phillip
 

JohnV

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
[quote:cdabdc0e9e]so if two dutch reformed young people go out on a date, who pays? [/quote:cdabdc0e9e]
No one knows; they're stilll getting over the fact that it only takes one of them to put in a light bulb.

Besides, only one goes out on a date; the other goes out on fig. But they both go out. And that leaves the Arminians to deal with the light bulb. :biggrin:
 

turmeric

Megerator
How many Dispensationalists...
Just so you remember that a lightbulb is not, repeat not a candle, that's a completely different thing. Now we're in the lightbulb dispensation, but that's soon to pass away, but we won't be here then, so it doesn't matter.

Sorry, punchline's too long.
 

grace2U

Puritan Board Freshman
How many Hyper-Calvinists does it take to change a light-bulb?

None! When God wants to change that light-bulb, He'll do it without your help!
 

turmeric

Megerator
How many open theists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer; Not even God knows!

Truly just kidding!!
 

sastark

Puritan Board Graduate
How many preterists does it take to change a light bulb?

It was already changed in 70 AD.
 

turmeric

Megerator
How many post-millers does it take...

Answer; all of us. Keep watching this space for the new golden lightbulb that's coming any time now...
 

DexCisco

Inactive User
How many "Wild at Heart" readers?

You don't need light bulbs in "bear country". Don't be a wuss. (Grunt, grunt, grunt)
 

Gregg

Puritan Board Sophomore
Do these lightbulb questions still apply to somebody if they haven't made the transition to the electric light but instead are still using candles and lanterns?:bouncy:
 

JohnV

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
[quote:7d1fb6b4ee]Do these lightbulb questions still apply to somebody if they haven't made the transition to the electric light but instead are still using candles and lanterns?[/quote:7d1fb6b4ee]
There are different questions because obviously such a person hasn't seen the light (bulb) yet.

[Edited on 2-21-2004 by JohnV]
 

JohnV

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
If you go by this thread you would almost think that there were no christians involved in that beautiful event. All those hotels would be constantly overflowing with evangelical and ecumenical meetings concerning the changing of a single light bulb, of which there must be millions.

One of the people which is involved in the yearly community events, which includes the lights, is one of my customers. She seemed very famliar with the church community, and not in a negative way, So form this I assume that church communities are also involved in these events, to some degree. And I can assure you that their primary duty is NOT the discussions about light bulb changing.

The Falls is one of the wonders of the world; and man has enhanced in beautifully with all those lights. Have you ever seen the Falls at night, with the lights, when the ice bridge has formed? It is breathtaking. This is the time of year to see it. But I have not yet heard of it having formed. It does not happen every year. It is created by the swirling mists that come up from the cascading waters, freezing to the overhanging ice formations, and eventually joining in the middle over the falls. What a sight.

I am in total agreement::thumbup::thumbup:
 

Me Died Blue

Puritan Board Post-Graduate
I love the open theist one, Meg!

How many Christian Hedonists? Any number, as long as they gain an increased appreciation for the joy God intended light to bring us!

How many theonomists? A whole lot, since we must see to it that everyone fulfills their lightbulb-changing duty, even if they don't see why yet!

How many libertarians (thought I should balance out my poking-fun at the theonomists)? None, unless someone volunteers with no outside requirements or restrictions!

:lol::bouncy::lol:

Chris
 
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