Tuesday Laugh

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FrielWatcher

Puritan Board Sophomore
Form Lark News:

King James translation device brings faithful to TV age

LOUISVILLE — Members of ultra-conservative "King James only" churches who have avoided the one-eyed monster for decades now have an electronic ally which allows them to watch television in their preferred dialect.
The KJV Box, invented by Sacred Translations, Inc., in Buffalo, N.Y., turns everyday English into "thees," "thous" and "wherefors" for people who refuse to read the Bible or be entertained in modern language.
"Our group has missed not only the era of Friends and Frasier, but of Dallas and Dynasty," says Elisha Turner, pastor of One Word Only Church of Louisville, Ky., who last watched television in 1979. "The KJV Box gives us access to the mainstream culture while filtering out the scuzz."
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The Box has revolutionized daily life for these once-insulated viewers. Housewives who hadn't watched talk shows since Donahue now gather most afternoons to watch Dr. Phil, whose straight talk they adore, and whose "Lady, get off your butt and do some exercise," translates to, "Rise from thy hindquarters, daughter, and exert thyself!" They titter as the translated dialogue comes through the Box's speakers.
"If he said it rudely, I'd be offended and I'd miss the wisdom of it," says Leanna Turner, sitting on the couch watching the program. "But since he sounds like the Bible, it makes sense to me."
King James only proponents embrace the King James Bible as the only legitimate version. They also reject most elements of mainstream culture as being profane and offensive. Their acceptance of the KJV Box takes them half a step closer to the popular fare most Americans imbibe wholeheartedly, even if the Box sometimes turns normal television programming into an odd experience. A shampoo commercial promises to "strengthen thy hair and bring health forthwith to the scalp." Bart Simpson's "Don't have a cow, man," turns into, "Withhold thy wrath, brother."
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At the home of Neil and Sarah Parks, KJV-only proponents, Parks and his son Brian, the youngest of nine children, snuggle up to watch television equipped with the KJV Box. Neil flips through channels, notices that the Fox Network and other channels are eerily silent (the word "untranslatable" flashes on the screen), then comes to rest at the Food Channel where Emeril Lagasse counsels viewers to "grind thy pods, thy diverse herbs, and thy oil in the selfsame pot, until thy pottage hast come to fine consistency." Before a commercial, Emeril points at the camera and the Box translates his words as, "Fix thyself to thy place! When I return, I give thee my bond we shall elevate the cooking to a higher plane, as from glory to glory!"
Later, the Box has trouble keeping pace with the fast wordplay on a MASH re-run. The translated dialogue runs fifteen minutes longer than the show itself, to catch up with the clever banter. The result is 45 minutes of absurdity, which Neil sits through philosophically.
"It'll take time to get up to speed on what the rest of the world watches," he says. "But I'm grateful that this device delivers programming in a way we find morally acceptable." •
 
Marry, I find this diverting withal, yet I counsel thee, brother, lest thou offend some of our number who read only the KJV! Nevertheless, the words of Dr. Phil spoken in Elizabethan English are improved thereby!
 
As my Hebrew teacher said when he told us that we had to memorize "all the vowels" for the following week:

"Freaketh not thyself out!"
I was in the process of freaking out at the time at the prospect of having to learn all those vowels, and I appreciated his sage recommendation. :lol:

As one of the "brethren" ("sistren?") who reads primarily the KJV - but also the 1599 Geneva - I'm not offended.

(Would, however, like to see "The View" set to Elizabethan English - and Joy Behar speaking it! :p :cool: :lol: )

Margaret


 
I wanteth one!!!!

"Bart Simpson's "Don't have a cow, man," turns into, "Withhold thy wrath, brother."

:rofl:

Food Channel where Emeril Lagasse counsels viewers to "grind thy pods, thy diverse herbs, and thy oil in the selfsame pot, until thy pottage hast come to fine consistency." Before a commercial, Emeril points at the camera and the Box translates his words as, "Fix thyself to thy place! When I return, I give thee my bond we shall elevate the cooking to a higher plane, as from glory to glory!"

:rofl::banana::rofl:

I'm a real KJV user, and I would love to have one of these! I could just see Dr. House saying, "They're just a bunch of fools. Bringeth the ointments hither, thou sluggards!" They need to really make this device.

"Useth thine enchantments Young Skywalker" :lol:
 
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