What role does physical attraction play in courtship/dating?

[Unworthy_Servant]

Today I had a good discussion with a friend of mine about the role of physical attraction in the pursuit of a relationship. The question we were trying to answer was: is it wrong to not pursue someone who is godly and pious simply because you do not find them physically attractive? Does anyone have any good resources that could help me with further understanding this topic?

 

[Pergamum]

I think it should play a large role. Marriage is hard enough without thinking your spouse is ugly.

 

[Cymro]

Here are some quotations about it.
You don’t value the book by its cover or the gilding of its pages, but by the worth of the matter within. Absalom was beautiful, and what better was he?
Beauty if it is not well disciplined, proves not a friend but a traitor. Three of David’s children were undone by it.
A wife is no helpmeet which is not ready to give spiritual comfort to her husband.
To follow nothing but the eye in the choice of a wife, is to make sense not a counsellor, but a tyrant.
Choose a wife rather by the ear than the eye.

 

[Logan]

I fairly frequently recommend Gouge's book "Of Domestical Duties" (RHB reprint of three volumes under the title "Building a Godly Home"), and I think it's worth recommending again

In the second portion, under marriage, after spending time determining who is eligible to be married and what the requirements are (Equality in years, estate, condition, piety, and religion), he goes on to say

"A first liking is sometimes on the parents' or other friends' part, and then made known to the party to be married, as the friends of Rebekah, liking the offer of Isaac which was made by Abraham's servant, made it known to Rebekah herself (Gen 24:58). Sometimes again the first liking is on the party's part that is to be married, and then if that party be under the authority of parents, the matter must be proposed to them, before there be any further proceeding, as Samson, who, seeing and liking a daughter of the Philistines, told his father and his mother (Judg. 14:2). even if the party is not under the authority of any, it is very fitting that counsel be taken of wise and understanding friends, that in a matter as weighty as marriage, there may be advice of more heads than one, for the preventing of what might happen through rashness.

"After a liking is thus taken by one party for a good mate, that liking must be proposed to the other party so liked, to know whether there is a reciprocal affection of one towards another. Thus Samson went and talked with that woman whom he liked to be his wife (Judg. 14:7).

"If at first there is a good liking mutually and thoroughly settled in both their hearts for one another, love is likely to continue in them forever, as things which are well-glued and settled before being shaken up and down will never be torn apart, but if they are joined together without glue, or shaken while the glue is moist, they cannot remain firm. Mutual love and good liking of each other is as glue. Let the parties to be married be well settled before they come to meet with trials through cohabitation, and that love will not easily be loosened by any trials."

Now I would add that I agree with Edwards that love is also a conscious decision, not just a feeling. But a mutual attraction is definitely recommended, whether that is attraction to character or physical appearance. The second can often follow the first.

 

[RamistThomist]

Today I had a good discussion with a friend of mine about the role of physical attraction in the pursuit of a relationship. The question we were trying to answer was: is it wrong to not pursue someone who is godly and pious simply because you do not find them physically attractive? Does anyone have any good resources that could help me with further understanding this topic?

Let's flip the question around: are you obligated to pursue someone to whom you are not attracted?

 

[Reformed Covenanter]

Without meaning to sound crude, there are certain physical duties that husbands and wives have to perform which cannot be done without physical attraction. For a Christian, physical attraction is not the only factor but it would be contrary to common sense to think that it is not an important factor.

 

[Edward]

While genetics do play a role in appearance, it is wise to keep several things in mind.

Most importantly, you sometimes can judge a book by its cover.

A person that does not take care of their appearance while looking for a mate certainly won't take care of their appearance after marriage.

A person who is sloppy about how they look may well be sloppy in other areas of their life.

On the other side of the coin, high maintenance brings its own costs.

 

[Dachaser]

Today I had a good discussion with a friend of mine about the role of physical attraction in the pursuit of a relationship. The question we were trying to answer was: is it wrong to not pursue someone who is godly and pious simply because you do not find them physically attractive? Does anyone have any good resources that could help me with further understanding this topic?

The spouse that the Lord has for us will be very attractive in all areas to us, as we will see their inner beauty, and afterwards their physical one.

 

[chuckd]

Today I had a good discussion with a friend of mine about the role of physical attraction in the pursuit of a relationship. The question we were trying to answer was: is it wrong to not pursue someone who is godly and pious simply because you do not find them physically attractive? Does anyone have any good resources that could help me with further understanding this topic?

Not only physical attraction, but personality attraction, wealth, age, intelligence, etc. Just because two people are godly and pious does not mean they will be a good match.

 

[KGP]

To follow nothing but the eye in the choice of a wife, is to make sense not a counsellor, but a tyrant.

This is a brilliant use of words in my opinion, very good quote, wherever you got it from.

 

[Stephen L Smith]

I think it should play a large role. Marriage is hard enough without thinking your spouse is ugly.

What about when the spouse gets old and loses the beauty of youth?

 

[RamistThomist]

I have to wonder: I would guess that when most mature Christian suitors say they want a physically attractive wife, they probably don't mean it on the "supermodel" standard of the bell shaped curve. Especially when you consider the amount of warpaint and photoshop that goes into making that appearance.

So when a guy says I want an attractive wife, he doesn't mean the above. I guess some do

 

[Stephen L Smith]

Here are some quotations about it.
You don’t value the book by its cover or the gilding of its pages, but by the worth of the matter within. Absalom was beautiful, and what better was he?
Beauty if it is not well disciplined, proves not a friend but a traitor. Three of David’s children were undone by it.
A wife is no helpmeet which is not ready to give spiritual comfort to her husband.
To follow nothing but the eye in the choice of a wife, is to make sense not a counsellor, but a tyrant.
Choose a wife rather by the ear than the eye.

Jeff, I have often found your wise counsel a blessing and the above is a great example of this.

 

[Edm]

Luckily, I was blessed with not having to choose between looks and a good companion... that said. I value looks only so much as they can be an indication of other things. Someone who chooses not to care about their appearance most likely would not be compatible with my life. I also am a very active person, backpacking, camping, etc. If someone was severely overweight due to a lack of self discipline, they most likely would not share my interest in these things.

 

[greenbaggins]

What about when the spouse gets old and loses the beauty of youth?

We need to keep in mind here that physical appearance is tied to character in interesting and often under-appreciated ways. I have met women who appear on the outside to be attractive in appearance, only to find out that when I better understood their bad character, their appearance altered in my mind. We cannot keep our character divorced completely from our outward appearance. Conversely, my twin brother used to say a lot, "I've never met a beautiful woman; I know quite a few." The flip side, in other words, is that some women who might appear less than glamorous at first, become more physically attractive as their sterling character starts to shine through.

The other thing to keep in mind is that a godly marriage improves with age, like fine wine. It does not deteriorate. Our culture says that physical appearance is the be-all and end-all of attraction, such that when the "bloom of youth" is gone, then all love goes, too. I firmly disagree. The biblical picture is far more holistic.

Lastly, and this seems to be particularly important for men, who seem, on the whole, to be more visually oriented than women, a husband needs to make his wife the standard of beauty to which all other women fall short. This is an act of the will. Holding his wife to an outside standard of beauty (which, as has been pointed out, is actually quite fake) to which she cannot possibly measure up, is unfair and unloving.

 

[Reformed Covenanter]

What about when the spouse gets old and loses the beauty of youth?

By that stage, their relationship should have matured, deepened, and moved well beyond what it was at the beginning. But, in the early stages of a marriage, the husband needs to objectively find his wife attractive and the wife needs to know that her husband is attracted to her. Later, she still will be beautiful to him even if she is less objectively attractive than she was in her earlier years.

 

[AnnaBanana]

I personally think that someone's genuine love for the Lord is attractive. That and their heart, morals, standards, etc. Sure, looks are fine, but I think the things listed above is what makes someone attractive to me.

 

[OPC'n]

I have to agree with Rev Lane. I've met people who I thought were absolutely stunningly beautiful and ended up not so gorgeous.

 

[RamistThomist]

There are people who are probably "pretty" by anyone's standards, yet are so depraved (beyond the typical Calvinist sense) to such a degree that I wouldn't look twice. So while physical beauty is important, there is also the character factor. Character can also make a person "appear" beautiful to someone--and that's good, too.

 

[Ben Zartman]

While genetics do play a role in appearance, it is wise to keep several things in mind.

Most importantly, you sometimes can judge a book by its cover.

A person that does not take care of their appearance while looking for a mate certainly won't take care of their appearance after marriage.

A person who is sloppy about how they look may well be sloppy in other areas of their life.

On the other side of the coin, high maintenance brings its own costs.

This is great, Ed. Either way you're in trouble!

 

[arapahoepark]

We need to keep in mind here that physical appearance is tied to character in interesting and often under-appreciated ways. I have met women who appear on the outside to be attractive in appearance, only to find out that when I better understood their bad character, their appearance altered in my mind. We cannot keep our character divorced completely from our outward appearance. Conversely, my twin brother used to say a lot, "I've never met a beautiful woman; I know quite a few." The flip side, in other words, is that some women who might appear less than glamorous at first, become more physically attractive as their sterling character starts to shine through.

The other thing to keep in mind is that a godly marriage improves with age, like fine wine. It does not deteriorate. Our culture says that physical appearance is the be-all and end-all of attraction, such that when the "bloom of youth" is gone, then all love goes, too. I firmly disagree. The biblical picture is far more holistic.

Lastly, and this seems to be particularly important for men, who seem, on the whole, to be more visually oriented than women, a husband needs to make his wife the standard of beauty to which all other women fall short. This is an act of the will. Holding his wife to an outside standard of beauty (which, as has been pointed out, is actually quite fake) to which she cannot possibly measure up, is unfair and unloving.

Shallow Hal Syndrome! It is true but, to be sure not always the case. Nevertheless, it does happen often.

 

[Polanus1561]

In any case, I struggle to think of cases where someone was deciding between an attractive girl and a less attractive girl.

In God's providence, He uses physical beauty to guide a man's decision in pursuing a female.

 

[Pergamum]

Many pious types sometimes tend to discount the factor of physical attraction, even as the world overemphasizes it.

Or they tend to engage in false dichotomies (if you mention physical beauty as important they act as if you only believe physical beauty is important).

Physical beauty is one factor of many, and one of the more important factors I believe. There are many descriptions of physical attraction in the Song of Solomon.

Let's face it, there is a scale of marriage suitability and when we are looking for a spouse we try to find someone that scores high in all areas:

-Physical attraction and health
-Kindness, compassion,
-Intelligence
-Similar background and beliefs
-Personality (smiling, positive, endearing)
-Good family background (Parents are married and not divorced).
-Lack of baggage

Some people may score high in all areas. Others may have beauty but hardly anything else.

 

[VictorBravo]

What about when the spouse gets old and loses the beauty of youth?

I haven't seen this happen personally. My wife has even more beauty (physical, spiritual, intellectual) now than when we first met 27 years ago.

And I don't have to worry about my own loss of beauty from youth, because I never had it in the first place!

 

[ZackF]

This is made way to complicated by thought experiments the will never correspond to reality. We're not Vulcans try to calculate our way through a false dilemma. It's not about non-elect, immoral and conceited hotties vs the dumpy, frumpy and smelly godly candidates. People run the spectrum among the believing/elect in sanctification levels along with degrees of physical attractiveness with a lot of subjectivity in the later. We can't pin the optimum down among specific folks who are called to be together.

 

[Unworthy_Servant]

Let's flip the question around: are you obligated to pursue someone to whom you are not attracted?

No, but I don't think I have justification for my answer. I realize physical attraction does play a critical role in choosing a spouse, but what I've been trying to wrestle with is understanding if it is sinful or a product of sin that a Christian would choose not to pursue a godly woman as a wife solely because they are physically unattractive. Many of the responses have just appealed to common sense but haven't given any justification why it's OK. Please be charitable in your responses because I'm seeking to understand.

 

[Cedarbay]

Jeremy, I would advise my son to only consider a godly woman he was attracted to, in the holistic sense being discussed here. There is no sin for you to decline pursuing any woman you believe is not a good fit for you, regardless of looks.

 

[Cymro]

Here is the best quote and the regulative principle.
“While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is NOT corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.”
It’s the inner beauty that makes her price far above rubies!

 

[VictorBravo]

It’s the inner beauty that makes her price far above rubies!

Quite true, Jeff. But if I may be bold, from your avatar picture I see you have chosen a spouse whose inner beauty has made its way to her outer beauty.

 

[RamistThomist]

No, but I don't think I have justification for my answer. I realize physical attraction does play a critical role in choosing a spouse, but what I've been trying to wrestle with is understanding if it is sinful or a product of sin that a Christian would choose not to pursue a godly woman as a wife solely because they are physically unattractive. Many of the responses have just appealed to common sense but haven't given any justification why it's OK. Please be charitable in your responses because I'm seeking to understand.

I understand what you are saying. However, women can pick up on "white-knighting." If a girl thinks she is unattractive and that you are marrying her out of a sense of duty, she will resent it.