Featured Where are the single men???

Discussion in 'General discussions' started by nickipicki123, Mar 13, 2019 at 2:25 AM.

  1. nickipicki123

    nickipicki123 Puritan Board Freshman

    I saw a thread in here from over ten years ago asking where the single Christian women are.

    I thought I would start a similar thread but for gals seeking dudes. Where are the single men, and why can't singles find each other in the church? Is it just because our churches are so small?


    Sometimes I hear that people met their spouse before becoming Reformed, and I think I may have to de-Reform, find a male mate, then re-Reform in order to achieve marriage. I will not actually do this. It is way too much work. What can be done? Alas, who knows!
     
  2. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    Again, we need a PB Harmony! Ha ha!

    Don't search here on the PB, though, there's a lot of nerds.
     
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  3. TylerRay

    TylerRay Puritan Board Senior

    Nicki,
    I'd encourage you to attend as many Reformed conferences as you can. You'll find a lot of zelous, single Reformed guys there. Can you think of any close to where you live?
     
  4. Bill Duncan

    Bill Duncan Puritan Board Freshman

    https://www.puritanboard.com/threads/a-man-after-gods-own-heart-spousal-criteria.97552/
    Nicki,
    I will refer you to my thread a few days ago.

    I don't know your age and whether this observation is relative to you, but College is delaying many "good" men from taking on the God ordained role of Christian manhood. The Educational Industrial Complex, our system of providing jobs to those who profit from the educational system in our country, have taken many good boys, and delayed their becoming men. The system that has convinced our world that higher education is required for success in this world is a device of the evil one, to instead place a pause on the Godly development of young people. A dungeon of sexual temptation with no restraining force, alcohol and drug abuse, and suggestions by evil professors to forget all that was taught by the church and parents and explore the horizons of liberality. I feel so sorry for those who seek Godly spouses and only find worn out baggage, scarred by the sinful path of unrighteousness. Rom. 1:18 and following describes God's judgment coming to bare in this example.
     
  5. Afterthought

    Afterthought Puritan Board Junior

    Clearly, they are wherever the single women are not. :)

    If it's any encouragement, there are cases of Reformed women meeting men who are not Reformed but during the process of getting to know each other become Reformed before marriage. It can be a lot of work though; it takes a special sort of person to go through the additional stress of theological change while handling normal relationship stuff. But such people do exist.
     
  6. Bill Duncan

    Bill Duncan Puritan Board Freshman

    Seen a lot of heartache too.
     
  7. Tom Hart

    Tom Hart Puritan Board Junior

    I used to be against online dating. Why can't people just meet people? I thought. Then I turned Reformed... and I realized it's not so easy.

    I married my wife before I my conversion to the Doctrines of Grace. Now I am the only person I know who is Reformed! (My wife is coming along. :)) It's often lonely. I might go mad but for the PB.
     
  8. SeanPatrickCornell

    SeanPatrickCornell Puritan Board Freshman

    If you have a Facebook account, you should try a group called Reformed Harmony. I met my wife in that group.

    Also, it's not a "dating" group, or "marriage" group, it's a "fellowship" group.

    Don't get too hung up on the idea that 30+ couples have met and gotten married in that group. ;)
     
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  9. timfost

    timfost Puritan Board Junior

    Sometimes the PB drives me mad. ;)
     
  10. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    It's a short drive for some of us.
     
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  11. arapahoepark

    arapahoepark Puritan Board Graduate

    We're around...
     
  12. arapahoepark

    arapahoepark Puritan Board Graduate

    Some good points. However, don't paint such a broad swath of college in general or the idea that 'manhood' is being delayed because of it. By that logic so many biological men, especially Christian men, are not men until they either get a career or get married or both.
     
  13. De Jager

    De Jager Puritan Board Freshman

    I am currently engaged and we met online on a well-known Christian dating site.

    Apply a lot of filters, and be willing to do long-distance.
     
  14. Bill Duncan

    Bill Duncan Puritan Board Freshman

    I think I can paint broadly as I look around and see that we have to go out of our country to find tradesmen. Can't remember the last time I saw an anglo-saxon carpenter. My son, who by the way did not go to college, but rather a trade school, had his house remodeled recently. The vast majority of the workers spoke no English. We have an immigration problem because few in our country know how to work. We have to have immigrants or we will live in tents, and starve to death. We have made weak, useless men by insisting on college educations and then they come out with no skill to get a job. If you are scholarly then go to college. If you are not learn a trade. Work hard and you have less time for fornication and substance abuse.
     
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  15. nickipicki123

    nickipicki123 Puritan Board Freshman

    I've been a part of RH since 2016, except I took a break for over a year! I've been on many a Google Hangout with you, Sean!
     
  16. nickipicki123

    nickipicki123 Puritan Board Freshman

    I'm in a few Facebook Reformed Singles group, and in one of them there was a poll recently asking people about the demographics of their church. More than a few of the men who responded said that in their church, most of the singles were men, and some women said that their churches had mostly single women.
     
  17. nickipicki123

    nickipicki123 Puritan Board Freshman

    And women are not women until they get married and have children :p
     
  18. arapahoepark

    arapahoepark Puritan Board Graduate

    I do not completely disagree that there is laziness and not everybody has to go to college. Certainly, the culture has changed and not for the better.
    However, beware that one man's anecdote is another man's fallacy.
    I am not sure why immigrants are then part of the problem here.
     
  19. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    I think you need duckface selfies. That's the way to attract men. Or wear t-shirts that say intelligent things like, "If you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best." Those things attract men.
     
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  20. nickipicki123

    nickipicki123 Puritan Board Freshman

    Money, money, money...must be funny...in a rich man's world!

    I actually hope to go to one over the summer. Funnily enough, the one across the country (including flight) is actually cheaper than the one closest to me.
     
  21. nickipicki123

    nickipicki123 Puritan Board Freshman

    Yes that's definitely it. I'll get on the Instagramz.
     
  22. Bill Duncan

    Bill Duncan Puritan Board Freshman

    No they are not the problem, in fact they are a necessity. We live in a tobacco farming community. Tobacco primarily is cultivated using immigrant labor. So the next time some of you light up, think twice about Trump's wall. You'll have to sell your first child to stuff your pipe. And when you have your glass of wine, remember who picked the grapes.
     
  23. Pergamum

    Pergamum Ordinary Guy (TM)

    Nicki,

    To be serious, do people know that you are single and looking?

    Is it too blunt and direct to simply post on your facebook or here or other places that you are looking, and what you are looking for?

    Folks post things online all the time to look for pets, cars, and other hard-to-get items, but they refuse to do the same to find the most important thing you can find in life other than salvation, which is a spouse. It should be a matter of intentional and direct searching.

    I am glad to be married (20 years coming up in July) but if I were not, I think I'd be taking out full-page ads, "Christian guy looking for a good woman, apply here...."

    Are you being intentional or just trusting in chance/providence?
     
  24. nickipicki123

    nickipicki123 Puritan Board Freshman

    Even before the USA had so many Hispanic immigrants, we still had other immigrants, such as Asians, doing that kind of manual labor, and before that people had slaves (though of course only the uber wealthy would have had a whole slave workforce). It's been around for a long time! But now there are so many jobs that didn't exist before...

    Anyways, this is somewhat tangential. I agree that people shouldn't be forced into college! Go to college if you're scholarly, or go to trade school, like you said. I wish I had considered doing something like a two year nursing program instead of going straight into a four year.
     
  25. SeanPatrickCornell

    SeanPatrickCornell Puritan Board Freshman

    OH! Well hi, Nicki! :)
     
  26. Ryan&Amber2013

    Ryan&Amber2013 Puritan Board Junior

    I think the church should help singles find a spouse. Part of shepherding in my opinion.
     
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  27. nickipicki123

    nickipicki123 Puritan Board Freshman

    What if I never find a spouse?
     
  28. Afterthought

    Afterthought Puritan Board Junior

    Oh Nicki. It's hard being single when one does not want to be. As with any affliction, we need to learn to trust God and submit our dreams to his will and plan for our lives; whether the Lord gives one a spouse eventually or not, we need to be okay with the thought that he will not. It is not an easy process, and it is certainly a process. Some days will be easier than others. Learn to serve the Lord in whatever condition you are in. Consider that by being unmarried, you can directly serve the Lord with your gifts; consider that marriage also brings its own sets of problems and potentialy distractions from the Lord (talk with wise, married couples). Delight in him. Pursue godliness. Focus on the work God has given you to do in the present. Finding the right person is pretty much impossible (humanly speaking): in this, as in all areas, we are in total dependence upon the Lord.

    Resist temptations to think of God as unable or unwilling to hear your prayers for a spouse. Instead, trust that God is a good Father who gives good gifts to his children; a spouse is a good gift; therefore, the only reason he will not grant a spouse to one who prays in faith for such is that it must be good for that person to be unmarried. Indeed, God withholds no good thing from them who serve him and fear him (Psalm 84), so if one is not given a spouse, then having a spouse must not have been a good thing for that person. Meditate on these things; pray for contentment: Christ's love is better than life itself (Psalm 63).

    Try to surround yourself with Christian friends (and not just peers) and families.

    Gavin Beers has been preaching in a lot of passages dealing with suffering and prayer. See the ones in Job, etc. You may find them helpful. Have you heard Rob McCurley's lectures on marriage? They are also good for helping to root out idolatry in our own hearts and subordinate marriage to serving the Lord. The upcoming conference with Dr. Krabbendam looks promising too for that end (he apparently has written a good book also), if lectures are posted online or someone takes good notes to share with you. Dr. Beeke's books are useful for that end too.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2019 at 5:26 PM
  29. SeanPatrickCornell

    SeanPatrickCornell Puritan Board Freshman

    :( I feel your pain.
     
  30. Bill Duncan

    Bill Duncan Puritan Board Freshman

    No, not at all. You miss my point. You asked where the men are. You do not have to be married. In fact you are married to Christ if you are in him, male or female. There is no biblical mandate that you marry and have children. In fact the opposite applies. The biblical mandate is if you can live without sexual need you are the blessed one. The Happy one. You seemed to be one who was seeking a spouse, who wasn't satisfied with their husband, Christ. So I told you where the men were.
     

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