You might be a Calvinist if...

Discussion in 'Entertainment and Humor' started by awretchsavedbygrace, May 29, 2009.

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  1. awretchsavedbygrace

    awretchsavedbygrace Puritan Board Sophomore


    If you have a Martin Luther Jell-O mold, you just might be a Calvinist.

    If your child’s first word was “Westminster”, you just might be a Calvinist.

    Or, if you send your mother tulips on Mother’s Day,

    … you might be a Calvinist.

    If you still remember the 8 speakers in order from the recent T4G conference, or

    If a free Bible has ever arrived in the mail to you from John McArthur, or

    If you have ever purchased 100 or more copies of the same John Piper book to hand out to random people you meet,

    …you just might be a Calvinist.

    If you purchased an MP3 player with the sole purpose of downloading sermons, or

    If you were shocked to just discover that some people download MP3 files that are not sermons, or

    If you have adjusted the default passage setting at A searchable online Bible in over 100 versions and 50 languages. from “NIV” to “ESV”

    … you might be a Calvinist.

    If your preacher says to turn to Obadiah and you do not use the index, or

    If you think a 50-minute sermon is too short, or

    If you’ve ever heard a wave of groans sweep through Sunday School when you refer to Romans 9,

    …you just might be a Calvinist.

    If you find yourself talking to the Lord Jesus more than to your family, and

    If you find yourself wanting to read your Bible instead of watching television, and

    If quotes from Pink, Spurgeon, Luther, Piper, and McArthur pop into your head at random times during the day

    …you might be a Calvinist.

    If you are confused when someone uses the term “my Bible” as if they only have one, and

    If your Bibles must be replaced in less than a year due to pages separating from the spine, and

    If you smile, nod and hold your tongue with your teeth after a lively church service when someone says, “God showed up today”

    …you might be a Calvinist.

    If you’ve ever shouted “YES!” when the pastor says to turn to 1st Thessalonians, and

    If you see 6:37 on a digital clock and think of the Lord Jesus’ words in John, and

    If you’ve muted a Thanksgiving football game because it’s interfering with your family discussion of Ephesians 1

    …you might be a Calvinist.

    If you have bookmarked three or more preachers’ scripture index webpages, and

    If you’ve ever been banned from a Sunday School class for quoting scripture, and

    If you have ever purposefully sung a different word in a hymn to conform to scripture,

    … you might be a Calvinist.

    If your kids own more Bibles than televisions, and

    If your children never ask you “Where are we going?” on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, and

    If you’ve ever read parts of “The Bondage of the Will” to children under ten and prayed that it would change their lives

    …you just might be a Calvinist.

    If your child received detention at his Christian school after shouting, “But I am a Hedonist Pyromaniac!” or

    If your children argue and you require them to listen to a Piper Sermon as punishment, or

    If you visit pyromaniacs, tominthebox,,, and, more than once a day, yes…

    You just might…. I say you just might…. Yes… you just might be a Calvinist

    Feel free to list more...
  2. OPC'n

    OPC'n Puritan Board Doctor

    What I'm wondering is can Calvin even be of the reformed church when Piper and MacArthur are connected to his name instead of Sproul? :D
  3. Michael Doyle

    Michael Doyle Puritan Board Junior

    Interesting and I must say accurate observation even though I am not a kool aid drinking, ligonier saluting, card carrying Sproul disciple. He has been hugely influential on myself and most of the Calvinists I know.
  4. PresbyDane

    PresbyDane Puritanboard Doctor

    I must be a Calvinist I am shocked
  5. Marrow Man

    Marrow Man Drunk with Powder

    Hey, there were no Presbyterians at all in that list. Guess they aren't Calvinists. ;)
  6. OPC'n

    OPC'n Puritan Board Doctor

    I knew you loved Piper and JM more than Sproul! Soon it will be Washer! Trader! :lol:
  7. Berean

    Berean Puritan Board Doctor

    Don't knock Washer! I'm becoming addicted to his sermons. Good stuff seldom heard.

    GTMOPC Puritan Board Freshman

    "If you’ve ever been banned from a Sunday School class for quoting scripture"

    That's just classic!

    You might also be a calvinist if you have framed pictures of dead puritans on the walls in place of your families pictures.
  9. SarahB

    SarahB Puritan Board Freshman

    You might be a Calvanist if...

    your 4 year old and 2 year old would rather listen to The White Horse Inn instead of Adventures in Odyssey

    My 2 year old went to bed asking "I listen White Horse Innnnn??" My deep thinker :)
  10. DMcFadden

    DMcFadden Puritan Board Doctor

    Oh yeah? Well, my dog listens to R.C. Sproul! While I'm on the treadmill (to the left of the desk featuring the four gentlemen in my avatar and under a framed poster of the Synod of Dort), listening to WHI, Ligonier, or the Calvin conference at GPTS, Mac positions himself on the edge of the bed, cocks his head, furrows his brow, and you would swear that he is attending to every word.

    Full disclosure: he doesn't find R.C. is as funny as I do.
  11. Jimmy the Greek

    Jimmy the Greek Puritan Board Senior

    Ten Reasons I'm a Calvinist

    Here is an old list (obviously a bit dated) that still gives me a laugh:

    “Ten reasons I’m a Calvinist”

    1. Calvinists tend to wear wool and cotton. Dispensationalists tend to wear polyester leisure suits.

    2. John Calvin was French. . . being French is very chic.

    3. Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein. . . and his clothes are very chic.

    4. Calvinists can drink.

    5. Calvinists can smoke.

    6. Dispensationalists are into prophecy conferences where they talk about Star-Trek eschatology and the mark of the Beast. Calvinists have conferences on “life and culture”, art, social justice, and other high-brow things like that. Afterwards, we go to the local pub and talk about philosophy over a pint of ale.

    7. Calvinists have close ties with Scotland, and Scotland is very cool: you know - Sean Connery, the movie Highlander, Bagpipes, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenlivet 18 year old Scotch, the movie Train Spotting, Brave Heart, etc.

    8. Calvinists think they are smarter than anybody else.

    9. It is more socially acceptable to say, “I go to Grace Presbyterian Church” than to say,

    ”I go to Washed In The Blood Worship Center”, or

    “I go to Sonlife Charismatic Believers Assembly”, or

    “I go to Boston Berean Bible Believing Baptist Bethel”, or

    ”I go to the Latter-Day-Rain Deliverance Tabernacle Prophecy Center, Inc.”

    10. Ultimately, I am a Calvinist because I had no choice in the matter.
  12. puritanpilgrim

    puritanpilgrim Puritan Board Junior

    Don't hate.:lol:
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