William Gouge. Domestical Duties (RHB republished as "Building a Godly Home") speaks well to this. Keep in mind that there are 43 points about duties and raising children prior to these ones, so that there is a whole theology of parenting, not just "spanking" and all of it should be considered together, prayerfully, not just pick and choose the pieces that appeal to our nature. Treatise 6 "Duties of Parents".
44. Of parents reproving their children.
The other means of helping nurture is correction. Which is of two sorts; Verbal by Words, Real by Blows.
The former is reprehension: and it must always go before the latter, which is most usually and properly called Correction.
Reprehension is a kind of middle thing betwixt admonition and correction: it is a sharp admonition, but a mild correction.
It is the rather to be used because it may be a means to prevent strokes and blows, especially in ingenuous, and good natured children [for a reproof entereth more into him that is wise, than a hundred stripes into a fool (Prov 17:10)] and because it may be used, when it is not so meet to use strokes and blows: as when children are grown to man-age.
The many good fruits which the Holy Ghost noteth to proceed from due reproof do shew that it is a duty whereof parents ought to make conscience as they desire to promote the good of their children: and so much the rather because many good fruits redound to the parents that reprove, as well as to the children reproved. In regard of their good who are reproved, it is said, Reproofs for instruction are the way of life (Prov 6:23): they cause understanding (Prov 15:32); and make prudent (Prov 15:5). In regard of their good who reprove, it is said, To them that rebuke shall be delight [that is, much comfort and matter of rejoicing, so as they shall not need to repent what they have done] and a blessing of good shall come upon them (Prov 24:25), that is, either a blessing of good men, who will bless, praise and commend them: or a blessing of good things, and that from the Lordwho will reward them for this conscionable performance of their duty.
Upon these grounds holy men have not spared to rebuke their children as there was occasion (Gen 9:25; 34:30; 49:4). Though Eli did somewhat in this duty, yet because he was not more severe therein, he brought destruction both upon himself and his children (1 Sam 2:23). The direction noted in Section 40 and 47 and Treatise 4, Section 35 may be here applied.
45. Of parents cockering their children.
Contrary is their too much doting on children, who are loath to give them a foul word. David [though otherwise a very wise man] herein manifested much folly, for he displeased not Adonijah at any time in saying, why hast thou done so? (1 Kings 1:6) and like enough it is, that also he so cockered his other rebellious son Absalom. Note the fearful issue that followed thereupon both to father and children. Though their father would not displease them, yet they cared not to displease their father, yea to grieve his heart, and vex his soul. The like may all foolish doting parents look for at their children's hands. For first parents by neglect of this duty highly displease God: therefore in just revenge will God give their children over to displease and vex them. Secondly, neglect of reproof is a means to make children rude, presumptuous, rebellious, and so careless to please their parents. Yea all things wherein children offend through want of education shall be required at their parents' hands.
46. Of correcting children.
The latter and more proper kind of correction which is by stripes and blows is also a means appointed by God to help the good nurture and education of children. It is the last remedy which a parent can use: aremedy which may do good when nothing else can.
It is by the Holy Ghost both expressly commanded, and also very oft pressed under these and such like phrases, Chasten thy son (Prov 19:18): correct thy son (Prov 29:17): withhold not correction from the child (Prov 23:13): thou shalt smite him with the rod (Prov 23:14). Were there no other motive, this were sufficient. God's charge was such a motive to Abraham, as at it he would have sacrificed his son (Gen 22:2,3): and wilt not thou at God's command correct thy child?
It is further commended by God's own example, which is not only set forth in some particular instances, but by his general constant dealing with all, and that as an especial token and fruit of his love. For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye be without chastisement whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards and not sons (Heb 12:6,8). Let this example of God be well weighed, for it is of great weight. Who can better tell what kind of dealing is fittest for children than God? Who can better nurture children than God? Who doth more truly aim at, and procure the good of children than God? Yea who doth more tender children than God? If God the father of spirits in wisdom and love thus deal with his children, fathers of the flesh may not think by the contrary to shew wisdom or love. Their wisdom will be folly, their love hatred. Upon these grounds it is taken for a thing granted, that parents [who tender the good of their children as they should] do chastise their children as need requireth: for it is said, that the Lord correcteth whom he loveth, as a father the son in whom he delighteth (Prov 3:12). If parents used it not, this were no good inference to say, as a father: again, as a thing without controversy it is said, we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us (Heb 12:9).
The grounds of the equity of this duty, respect partly the children corrected, and partly the parents that correct. In regard of children, it freeth them from much evil, and worketh in them much good.
Correction is as physic to purge out much corruption which lurketh in children, and as a salve to heal many wounds and sores made by their folly. In which respect Solomon saith, that foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him (Prov 22:15) and again, The blueness of a wound is a purging medicine against evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly (Prov 20:30). In regard of the inward operation of this physic, correction is further said to preserve a child from death, [if thou beatest him he shall not die (Prov 23:13)] and that not only from temporal death [as many children are thus preserved from the Magistrate's sword] but also from external death [thou shalt deliver his soul from hell (Prov 23:14)]. Note this ye cockering parents, whose over-much lenity is very great cruelty. For may we not justly count him a cruel parent, that should suffer diseases, boils, sores, and wounds to remain, increase, and fester in his child, and give him no physic, nor apply any plasters, or medicines to him? Nay rather who seeth his son running into a flaming fire, or deep water, and would not hold him back? Even so cruel, and more cruel are they, who suffer their children to run on in evil, rather than correct them.
Object. Who can endure to make his own child smart, and to put him to pain?
Answ. The future fruit is more to be considered, than the present pain. Potions, pills, and corrosives, are fulsome, bitter, and painful; but because there is a necessity of using them, and great mischief is prevented by the use of them, wise parents will not forbear them forthe sensible bitterness, and pain. Fitly doth the Apostle thus answer that objection, No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous, nevertheless, afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness (Heb 12:11). This may be applied to parents' corrections as well as to God's.
The good which correction bringeth to children, is by Solomon noted in this and such like phrases, The rod giveth wisdom (Prov 29:15): for it maketh children observe, what is good, and what evil; what commendable, and what blame-worthy: and accordingly to do the good, and leave the evil, which is a great point of wisdom.
Object. Instruction will better do this.
Answ. Instruction may give them more knowledge, but it is correction which bringeth them to practice what they know, which is the chiefest point of wisdom (Matt 7:24).
In regard of parents, due correcting of their children both freeth them of many inconveniences, and also bringeth to them much quiet. 1. It spareth them much pains. For many admonitions oft repeated, and inculcated again and again, will not make many children so much to heed wholesome and good advice, as a little correction. They are much more sensible of smart, than of words.
2. It preventeth much grief, shame, and vexation: for a foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her that bare him (Prov 17:25). But it is the rod of correction that driveth away foolishness (Prov 22:15), and so preventeth that grief andbitterness.
3. It freeth them from the guilt of their children's sin, so as they are not accessory thereto, as Eli was (1 Sam 3:13). For correction is the last remedy that a parent can use: if by that he can do no good, it is presupposed that he hath done his uttermost endeavour: in which respect, though the child die in his sin, yet the parent hath delivered his own soul. The quiet which is brought to parents by correcting their children, is thus noted out by Solomon, Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest, yea he shall give delight unto thy soul (Prov 29:17). For children well nurtured, and by correction kept in a filial awe, will so carry themselves, as their parents may rest somewhat secure, and not disquiet themselves [as they do with children set at liberty] yea, as trees well pruned, and ground well tilled, they will bring forth pleasant and abundant fruit; and so their parents will have just cause to rejoice in them.
47. A direction to parents in correcting their children.
For well using this biting corrosive of correction, parents must have respect to the matter for which they do correct, and to their manner of correcting.
In regard of the matter, these three things must be noted. 1. That they be sure there is a fault committed: that so there be just cause of correcting, else more hurt than good will proceed from thence. If corrosive be laid where there is no sore, it will make one. If correction be unjustly given, it may provoke to wrath, but will do little good. This is it wherein earthly fathers are taxed,and made unlike to God, for that many times they correct after their own pleasure (Heb 12:10): which is a point of great injustice.
2. That the fault be made known to the child corrected: and he apparently convinced thereof. Correction must be for instruction, which cannot be, except the child know why he is corrected: for it is all one to him, as if he were corrected for no fault, if he know not his fault. God thus at first proceeded with the serpent, with Eve, and with Adam (Gen 3:11). Thus Judges proceed in punishing malefactors. Yea thus will men deal with a dog. Should they not much more with a child?
3. That the faults be such especially, as the parents can shew to their children [if at least they be of so much discretion] to be against God's word; as swearing, lying, pilfering, and the like: for 1. these are most dangerous faults, and therefore more carefully to be purged out, 2. the child corrected will thus be the better evicted of his fault, the more condemn himself, and more contentedly bear the correction. In regard of the manner of correcting, four general, and four particular rules are to be observed.
The general rules are these. 1. An eye must be had to God's manner of correcting his children, and in particular of God's correcting the parent himself: no better general direction can be given: for God's pattern is a perfect rule.
2. Prayer must be made by parents for themselves and for their children: for themselves, to be directed in doing it: for their children, to be bettered by it. Thus will good physicians in ministering physic. In all duties is prayer to be used; especially in this: for a parent is ready, partly through his own intemperate passion, and partly through the child's impatience, to fall into one extreme or other. This is not to impose upon all, whensoever they take up the rod, to go and make a solemn prayer, but to lift up the heart for direction and blessing.
3. Correction must be given in love. All things must be done in love (1 Cor 16:14): much more this, that carry a shew of anger and hatred. In love they will give physic to their children, and splinter a joint, if need be. God correcteth his children in love: so must parents, Love will make them do it with tenderness and compassion.
4. Correction must be given in a mild mood, when the affections are well ordered, and not distempered with choler, rage, fury, and other like passions. Disturbed passions cast a mist before the understanding, so as a man cannot discern what is enough, what too much. When passion is moved, correction must be deferred. God correcteth in measure. The particulars are these. 1. Due order must be kept. Correction by word must go before correction by the rod. I rebuke and chasten, saith the Lord. Thus a parent will shew that he taketh no delight in smiting his child: it is necessity that forceth him thereunto. Thus a parent sheweth himself like to God, who doth not punish willingly (Lam 3:33). Physicians, when they minister strong physic, will givepreparative: rebuke may be as a preparative. Good and pitiful surgeons will try all other means before they come to lance and sear.
2. Due respect must be had to the party corrected: if he be young and tender, the lighter correction must be used. Solomon oft mentioneth a rod, as meet oft for a child; for that is the lightest correction. So if the child be of a flexible and ingenuous disposition, soon snapped, the correction must accordingly be moderated. If he be well grown, and withal be stout, and stubborn, the correction may be more severe.
3. Due respect must be had to the fault: Sins directly against God, open, notorious, scandalous sins, known sins, sins often committed, in which they are grown up, and whereof they have gotten an habit, are with greater severity to be corrected.
4. A parent must behold his own faults in correcting his child's: so more compassion will be wrought in him.
48. Of parents' too much indulgency.
Contrary to this duty of correcting are two extremes. 1. Too much lenity. 2. Too much severity.
Many so cocker their children, as they will suffer them to run into any misdemeanour, rather than correct them. They cannot endure to hear their children cry: and therefore their children must be pleased in all their humours and evil desires. These parents bring shame tothemselves, and mischief upon their children: for God is oft forced to correct such. Heavy are God's corrections: and oft light on parent and child both: as appeareth by the judgments on Eli and his sons: for such parents make themselves accessory to their children's sins: yea also to the judgments laid upon their children. God saith of such parents, that they honour their children above God (1 Sam 2:29). It is therefore a fond indulgency which maketh parents regard neither God's honour, nor their own or children's safety.
Mothers for the most part offend herein, who are so far from performing this duty themselves, as they are much offended with their husbands if they do it. And to proclaim their folly to all the world, they cannot commit their children to a tutor or schoolmaster, but with a straight charge, that they correct them not. 1. Object. Correction maketh children sots and blocks. Answ. If God's spirit deserve to have more credence than such foolish women, that objection is most false, for we heard before (see Section 46) how correction giveth wisdom, and driveth out foolishness. 1. Object. Mothers may be the more born with herein, because with long trouble they did bear, and with great travail bring forth their children. Answ. That may be a good motive for them to seek the true good of their children, that so their trouble and travail may not be in vain: but not to uphold them in the broad way that leadeth to destruction.
49. Of parents' too much severity in correcting their children.
They who offend in the other extreme of severity, of the two are the more unnatural parents; they offend directly against the first branch of this text [Provoke not to wrath]. Nothing more provoketh than immoderate severity: for 1. It argueth no love in the parent, but rather hatred, at least wrath, and other such like distempered affections.
2. It softeneth not the child's heart, but hardeneth it rather.
3. It maketh him dull, and stupid, and clean perverteth the right and true end of correction.
4. It oft maketh a child think of doing some mischief to his parent or himself. That parents may the rather take heed of this extreme, I will briefly note wherein excess in severity is shewed.
It is shewed, when correction is given 1. For no fault. In this case, though correction be never so light, it is too severe. 2. For small faults, in wrath and fury, though the stripes be few and light, yet the parent's behaviour is too much severity. 3. To children that are young and tender, or soft, mild and ingenuous, as if they were in some years, the most obstinate and perverse that could be. 4. Too often: for every thing done amiss: whereas parents should seem not to see or hear many things which they see, and hear. 5. Too sorely: so as the child is lamed, or some way so hurt as he shall feel it as long as he liveth.
