Am I a jerk for not being willing to help my kids financially with college?

[Zenas]

Seriously, your parental decisions regarding your children's education is none of anyone else's business. They're your responsibility, not anyone else's, so I wouldn't cave to outside influences and pressures if you can help from doing it. I'm hard-headed though.

Your stated motivation in proposing to do this is to educate them, albeit not in the classical sense, but in the practical sense. I can't surmise that this is done out of anything less than love for your kids. This is the way you have deemed to educate them, whereas others have chosen other ways. Their consciences shouldn't bind yours.

 

[SolaScriptura]

Thanks, Andrew!

I not only want my kids to learn, but I want them to learn discipline and all that jazz.
This is why I'd prefer they go to one of the Academies or VMI or The Citadel.

 

[he beholds]

Seriously, your parental decisions regarding your children's education is none of anyone else's business. They're your responsibility, not anyone else's, so I wouldn't cave to outside influences and pressures if you can help from doing it. I'm hard-headed though.

Your stated motivation in proposing to do this is to educate them, albeit not in the classical sense, but in the practical sense. I can't surmise that this is done out of anything less than love for your kids. This is the way you have deemed to educate them, whereas others have chosen other ways. Their consciences shouldn't bind yours.

I wanted to add this but couldn't get it out! I think since scripture is silent on this, we should listen to our own consciences. When I first responded, he had yet to say, "We just have a pretty sound conviction..."
But based on that, I say please ignore my advice! And I apologize if I did attack your conscience.

 

[BJClark]

Ben,

I haven't read through all the responses, but no, your not being a jerk for not paying for your kids to go to college.

My kids have known for years I could not afford college expenses for them so they would have to either earn scholarships or apply for financial aide, or loans of something if they want to go.

I have one in college now, she's been working part-time since she was in high school, she's saved her money and bought herself a car, so I didn't even buy her first car..

I did help her fill out the paper work for her loans and college grants, which she got. She opted for a two year community college to start out with, and is still living at home. So we are helping in THAT way..she doesn't pay rent, food or utilities, unless it's food she wants that I don't typically buy, then she buys those things herself.

She comes to me when she needs help w/ her budget or needs advice on which classes to take and scheduling..

Her best friend went away for college with her mom paying a big portion and scholarships paying part of it, she has failed three or four classes thus far, because she wanted to party as opposed to learn. And her attitude has been 'my mom will pay for me to take the class again, no big deal' and her mom has done so, until this year, her mom told her she needed to get a part-time job and start helping..because she is no longer going to fund her college if she's not even going to try. Her grades have improved now that she's having to help pay her own expenses, she's learning she really does have to be responsible.

Some of her other friends, who went away to college did the same thing, and ended up dropping out and are going to community college and working.

A lot of kids today seem to think college is not only a right, but that their parents are responsible to pay for it, and they can go and fool around and not worry about anything..their parents will ALWAYS be there to bail them out..

My nephew is also in college, my sister told him she would help him financially his first year, then he would have to figure it out on his own after that..he didn't believe her at first, but she continued to stress it, so he applied for ROTC and got in, so they are paying part of his college expenses as well, but if he wants spending money to go on spring break or go to sporting events, buying his video games and paying rent and do all the extra things he wants to do he would be footing the bill..not them..it's taken a few months but he's learning..the problem I see he's having, is they haven't really been willing to help teach him to budget..which I think is a mistake, but that's just mho..
but he'll do the same thing I did, and learn from his own experiences.

Which is why I'm more willing to help my daughter, my sister lived at home and went to college, and had our mom's help with finances, and she thinks that hurt her, but I see the opposite playing out..

So there is more than one way to help them, you can help them as they get older learn to budget before they leave home, or allow them to stay home for the first two years while they go to community college..to help keep the expenses down..but your kids are still young and you have a long time to think about these things..

 

[Dwimble]

Nowadays you can't do it yourself, not normally. Where on earth is a kid going to get 100,000 dollars?...

In my opinion, in most cases where someone spends $100,000 dollars for college, they bought the culture's lie and got ripped off. Unless, perhaps, they end up with a medical degree or something similar, and even then they shouldn't do that on loans.

When you try to get a job, almost no one cares where you went to college. They don't care if you lived at home and went to city college for two years and transferred to the nearest state college afterward to finish, or if you went to the most expensive Ivy League college in the country. Generally they just want to be convinced that you can do the job. And once you have some good work experience, they REALLY couldn't care less where you went to school. In fact, for many employers it would be a point in the your favor if you worked multiple jobs and put yourself through school, because that tells them there is a good chance you are disciplined, motivated, and not afraid to work hard and long hours. I think there are a lot of myths surrounding college's supposed necessity, importance, and expense.

I recently looked up some census info and I was a little surprised to learn that about 50% of people in the U.S over 25 have "some" college and about 25% of them have a degree. Therefore about three-quarters of the population either never finishes or never goes to college at all. And worldwide, less than 1% of the population has a degree.

In my view college is a luxury and privilege, not a necessity or right. What I hate to see is adults (and these are "adults" we're talking about) who think their parents "owe" them an expensive education, when over 99% of the world's population never have the slightest chance to get that. I have no problem with parents choosing to pay for or not pay for college for their kids. I think most of it really depends on the kid. If he is an ungrateful sloth, then I don't think the parents should give him a dime, because he will likely squander it anyway. But, if he is a hard worker, responsible, and appreciates the help, then it may very well be worth paying for, assuming that the parents have that ability.

 

[Ex Nihilo]

Nowadays you can't do it yourself, not normally. Where on earth is a kid going to get 100,000 dollars?...

In my opinion, in most cases where someone spends $100,000 dollars for college, they bought the culture's lie and got ripped off. Unless, perhaps, they end up with a medical degree or something similar, and even then they shouldn't do that on loans.

When you try to get a job, almost no one cares where you went to college. They don't care if you lived at home and went to city college for two years and transferred to the nearest state college afterward to finish, or if you went to the most expensive Ivy League college in the country.

That is just not true. I have friends at other law schools who are having trouble getting any jobs at all, while my friends at Harvard are juggling multiple offers. (And my friends at other law schools are no less intelligent than I and have a lot more practical knowledge about the law.) Additionally, even for students at Harvard Law School, firms may still care about the undergrad degree, too -- they certainly ask about it in interviews.

Anecdotally, friends who went to elite undergrads had much more interesting jobs during summers in college and after college if they took time off before law school. Most notably, they found it much easier to get government jobs or jobs with think tanks or ideological organizations (like the Heritage Foundation or the Federalist Society). If you were applying to a small employer and competing with 5-6 other applicants, where you went to college probably isn't a major factor in comparison to everything else. But when large employers are sorting through thousands of resumes, it absolutely makes a difference. It also makes a huge difference in the opportunities students know about.

One point that is confined to law school admissions, but may be applicable to med school/grad school admissions, too: It says great things about your character if you held down a 40-hour-per-week job and still managed a 3.5 GPA. But law schools, who are ranked based on the stats of their incoming classes, do not really care. The 4.0 student who hardly worked at all will have the advantage, all other things being equal.

Also, as I understand it, Ivy undergrads have always been generous with financial aid and are becoming even more so. At Harvard College, a kid now doesn't have to pay anything if his or her parents make under $60,000 a year. For most families that make between $60,000 and $180,000, Harvard expects them to pay no more than 10% of their income. I expect that other schools will follow this lead.

Unfortunately this program does not apply to the law school, which leads me to your point about loans. I may be wrong, but I don't think it is irresponsible to take out $150,000 in loans when very high incomes are practically guaranteed upon graduation. (As an aside, I think it is irresponsible to take out $150k in loans to attend a law school that doesn't guarantee its graduates that kind of salary.) I could have worked and scrimped for about 10 years with my English degree to save enough to go to Harvard Law School. Instead, I decided to take out loans, which, with good management, will not be difficult to pay off at an attorney's salary -- market rate for first year associates is $160,000. If I end up at a lower-paying job, I have some safety net, because the law school has a Low Income Protection Plan that helps to pay off loans. Other schools have similar programs.

I don't mean to argue that this type of educational path is for everyone. In fact, it seems to me that as a general rule, it's better to go to a "Public Ivy" like UVA or Michigan or UT than to go to a top private school. However, the choice to pursue an Ivy League education on loans is not inherently irresponsible.

 

[Ex Nihilo]

Yes, but Evie, what do you really think?

I actually really dislike educational elitism.

 

[Dwimble]

Nowadays you can't do it yourself, not normally. Where on earth is a kid going to get 100,000 dollars?...

In my opinion, in most cases where someone spends $100,000 dollars for college, they bought the culture's lie and got ripped off. Unless, perhaps, they end up with a medical degree or something similar, and even then they shouldn't do that on loans.

When you try to get a job, almost no one cares where you went to college. They don't care if you lived at home and went to city college for two years and transferred to the nearest state college afterward to finish, or if you went to the most expensive Ivy League college in the country.

That is just not true. I have friends at other law schools who are having trouble getting any jobs at all, while my friends at Harvard are juggling multiple offers...

Hence my statement, "a medical degree or something similar...", which you quoted. Obviously something like a degree from Harvard Law School is an exception to the general rule. But that cannot by any stretch be considered normative or significant evidence that specific schools matter in normal circumstances. The fact is, someone who pays (or is given) hundreds of thousands of dollars to go somewhere like Harvard, and who ultimately actually graduates from there, fully expects to be offered the most elite types of postitions available. But that is clearly the exception, not the rule. The fact remains that with the exception of a few specialized professions, most don't care where you went to school.

I'm not going to get into the whole issue of the wisdom of getting loans for college...or loans for anything for that matter. That's an entirely different can of worms.

 

[DMcFadden]

Ironic question since I am on my 5th midwest college tour, now with my 5th child.

My college education was paid for by the state of CA -- poor kids with good GPAs make out like bandits! My wife received her education by her folks.

Our first son went to Moody - only room and board + fees + books ($7-8k/yr). We paid so that he could go into ministry (UNLIKE his father) debt free. He got his masters courtesy of the church he serves.

Our second son went to John Brown. We paid + borrowed on a PLUS loan + saddled him with some debt after scholarships. He received a full ride for his MBA and went to a state school for his J.D. (Only $8k/yr for a VERY regionally respected degree). He finished college with a $20k debt but snagged a job with a top firm in the area (thanks to being in the top 8% of his class and serving as an editor on their law review) and is able to pay off his own debts.

Our older daughter went to Moody for her B.A. and Moody Grad School for her masters in only 4.5 years (summa too!). So, I incentivized her finishing early by paying the room & board + fees + books for the undergrad AS WELL AS the tuition (yes they do charge that for grad courses) + books for the graduate degree (the only one of our kids who received help beyond the B.A.). She exited seminary debt free, served in Germany working with teenage MK girls, then returned to the states and is teaching at a Christian high school (LOW pay).

Our fourth child went to Bible college for 1.5 years before dropping out. We paid for all of his room & board + fees + books. Now he is married and works as a custodian in a public library.

Our fifth child is with me on this weeklong sojourn. She applied to four colleges and was accepted to all but one so far.

My wife and I will "do all that we can" for her (= if she goes to Moody, we will probably pay it all; if she chooses a Christian liberal arts school, she will need to participate in the pain). My experience has been marked by debt and that causes me to want to keep my kids as far away from that as possible, unless they are planning to enter lucrative professions. Hence, the ministry-headed kids NEED to graduate debt free; the business majors can handle a modest amount of it.

Do I have a moral obligation to give my kids a Christian college education? No. But, I want them to receive one and am willing to help them achieve that goal. They will have PLENTY of other things to sacrifice and suffer for without laboring under a $100k educational debt. And, for those heading into vocational ministry, it is a practical necessity to graduate debt free if at all possible.

BTW, my rule is that we will ONLY help with the first four years following high school. If you want to stretch it out to 6 or 7, the years beyond 4 are on your own dime. In the case of our daughter, she actually finished college in LESS than 4 years, hence my assistance with the graduate program.

 

[Ex Nihilo]

In my opinion, in most cases where someone spends $100,000 dollars for college, they bought the culture's lie and got ripped off. Unless, perhaps, they end up with a medical degree or something similar, and even then they shouldn't do that on loans.

When you try to get a job, almost no one cares where you went to college. They don't care if you lived at home and went to city college for two years and transferred to the nearest state college afterward to finish, or if you went to the most expensive Ivy League college in the country.

That is just not true. I have friends at other law schools who are having trouble getting any jobs at all, while my friends at Harvard are juggling multiple offers...

Hence my statement, "a medical degree or something similar...", which you quoted. Obviously something like a degree from Harvard Law School is an exception to the general rule. But that cannot by any stretch be considered normative or significant evidence that specific schools matter in normal circumstances. The fact is, someone who pays (or is given) hundreds of thousands of dollars to go somewhere like Harvard, and who ultimately actually graduates from there, fully expects to be offered the most elite types of postitions available. But that is clearly the exception, not the rule. The fact remains that with the exception of a few specialized professions, most don't care where you went to school.

I'm not going to get into the whole issue of the wisdom of getting loans for college...or loans for anything for that matter. That's an entirely different can of worms.

I agree that it doesn't matter for most people, so I don't think there is substantial disagreement between us. But considering how many people could attend elite schools but choose not to (as I did for undergrad), I would probably define "normal circumstances" a little more broadly. It matters across the whole range of law schools, not just within the very top tier. It also isn't just for law students or med students that it matters -- it matters for undergrad, too. The difference is particular noticeable for liberal arts majors. A history major from an elite school can get a great job in the government or elsewhere; a history major from an average school usually cannot. (Some people have extraordinary networking abilities, so there are exceptions.) Does it matter most of the time? Maybe not. But it certainly isn't accurate to say that "almost no one" cares.

I should explain more about my perspective. I grew up in an average middle class family where elite jobs were considered outside the range of what normal people like us could strive for. Thus my parents advised me, when I was selecting a college, that it didn't matter much. I think this happens a lot. People write off a certain echelon of jobs as unattainable, when in fact they would be attainable if those people went to elite schools. While in no way regretting the decisions my parents influenced me to make, I do feel in the abstract that it's not necessarily helpful for a parent to assume that certain types of careers are outside their child's capabilities.

Of course prestige itself isn't really something worth striving for, but high-level jobs sometimes are more challenging, as I understand it. I am not advocating that children have a right to "pursue big dreams," or anything like that. But there is something to be said for wanting to do as much with your mind as you can.

Nonetheless, I would agree that it doesn't matter whether your undergraduate institute was in Tier 3 or Tier 4 of those silly USNews rankings.

 

[Dwimble]

I regret using the phrases "Ivy League" and "almost no one" in my original post, as I think they obscured my points and were inaccurate. Sorry about that. What prompted my post was the statement that "normally" kids can't afford college on their own, coupled with the implication that the reason they can't afford it is because it costs $100,000. I think both of those statements are a myth, fostered by our society, the media, and by politicians.

 

[Ex Nihilo]

I regret using the phrases "Ivy League" and "almost no one" in my original post, as I think they obscured my points and were inaccurate. Sorry about that. What prompted my post was the statement that "normally" kids can't afford college on their own, coupled with the implication that the reason they can't afford it is because it costs $100,000. I think both of those statements are a myth, fostered by our society, the media, and by politicians.

I totally agree with that! This point is especially true for kids growing up in states like Texas with really wonderful and affordable state schools.

 

[Herald]

There is no firm answer on this question. My wife and I are going to pay the majority of our daughters education. She will work to pay some of her expenses but we don't want her to go in debt.

 

[Webservant]

Why bankrupt yourself to help them with college? That's not a good lesson in stewardship, and we still have younger ones to feed and clothe. If it's a question of not having the money (as in our case) the only way to pay for it would be for my wife to work outside the home. She could then no longer home school. I made a deal with my oldest son -- if I have the money, I will pay for community college. While he is a student, he can live under my roof for as long as he wishes without charge. As soon as he completes school or decides he wants to work full time, he can either move out or stay and pay me rent. As to college (as in, non-community) I don't have that kind of $$ but I will help junior get grants or scholarships. I will recommend against student loans.

I remind my children all the time that I have no degree and did not graduate from high school, and I am a veep in a large company and pull in enough to comfortably support 7 people. It can still be done.

 

[OPC'n]

I appreciate that.

We intend to do "nice" things for our kids. For example, we have a fund set up so that we can give them a wedding present to the tune of 10k. And since we want to reward success my wife has asked me to consider a plan to perhaps have them pay the cost of their schooling and at the end of the term if they maintained a certain GPA then we'd reimburse a certain percentage. We're not trying to be heartless. We just want our kids to learn to appreciate hard work.

Can I be your kid?!

 

[Thomas2007]

My wife and I do not intend to help our kids pay for college. We did it ourselves and we're better for it. The only possible way they may potentially get me to even consider chipping in would be for them to attend either VMI or The Citadel.

So, am I a big mean jerk?

For context: many of my friends and family think that I'm a big mean jerk for not being willing to start up a 529 plan for the kids. (Some of these family members were the same ones who wouldn't help us out! Their excuse for why I should pay for my kids' college: I can afford to do so, but they couldn't afford to help us...)

I don't think so, but then I don't agree with this paradigm of thought that says a college education is a necessity for every person.

 

[matt01]

I remind my children all the time that I have no degree and did not graduate from high school, and I am a veep in a large company and pull in enough to comfortably support 7 people. It can still be done.

Times change. It may still be possible to do, but I wouldn't come close to recommending/encouraging it.

 

[Webservant]

I remind my children all the time that I have no degree and did not graduate from high school, and I am a veep in a large company and pull in enough to comfortably support 7 people. It can still be done.

Times change. It may still be possible to do, but I wouldn't come close to recommending/encouraging it.

There is a wondrous land beyond your southern border where, in spite of it's government's yearning to make socialists out of it's citizens, it is still possible to work hard and succeed without a formal education.

That being said, I do agree with you that it's not easy to make a living without a degree of some sort, and just so you know, I am not encouraging my children to take the route I did, though I will support any of them who wishes to graduate from high school and pursue a career.

 

[BJClark]

Blue Tick;

Proverbs 13:22

A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children, but the sinner's wealth is laid up for the righteous.

So in your opinion is a college educated parent the ONLY inheritance to leave one's children's children?

 

[Jen]

In most places in the US, good students can take classes at community colleges for credit (transferred to their college record when they graduate from high school) while they are still in high school. This is much cheaper in many cases.

There is also the option of attending a community college for two years with the intention of transferring credits into a larger school for the last two years.

Very true. California's community college system is brilliantly integrated with both the UCs and the CSUs. My last year of high school (10th grade), I attended concurrently -- they waived the tuition fees, so the entire cost of my college education that year was $12 + the cost of books ($6 registration fee). I then started full time the following fall -- at 16 -- and a year later, signed a transfer agreement that got me into a good university sans SAT and ACT scores. I was able to live at home, and I graduated before Gov. Schwarzenegger's budget cuts kicked in and the drastic tuition increases started.

I should also note that I don't know how I would've paid for college at age 15, either... I started my post-secondary education too young to drive and I finished it too young to drink -- that makes a huge difference.

I highly recommend the JC route whenever I can. (And it does happen that you go in with one plan and leave with another! Twenty minutes before my appointment with the admissions counsellor to sign my transfer agreement, I switched from physics to history. If I'd been at a four-year all along at that point, it would've been a costly change!)

I remind my children all the time that I have no degree and did not graduate from high school, and I am a veep in a large company and pull in enough to comfortably support 7 people. It can still be done.

Times change. It may still be possible to do, but I wouldn't come close to recommending/encouraging it.

When our families were cleaning up after my brother's wedding reception, his new father-in-law was telling my dad how he had stressed to his daughter that it was very important that she do all she can to support my brother in finishing his education. My brother's father-in-law is also in a top position in a company sans college degree: he started but stopped in order to save money for more college -- but then he just kept moving up in the company. He freely acknowledges that it would be impossible for him to find the equivalent of his position at another company, because such a position requires not only a B.A., but also an M.B.A. He greatly regrets not having at least his bachelors, even though it worked out all right for him -- under no circumstances would he recommend anyone do what he did.

(And even though he's never said, I don't think my dad would either. He dropped out of university after deciding that his chosen field was boring, but was able to work in the family business in a tangentially related field [it was still a science], which he then took over when my grandfather retired.)

 

[matt01]

There is a wondrous land beyond your southern border where, in spite of it's government's yearning to make socialists out of it's citizens, it is still possible to work hard and succeed without a formal education.

I am quite familiar with that land. I was born in Florida, raised in Minnesota, and served in the Marine Corps in California, with several other stops along the way. I agree that it is possible, and commend you for your success, but see formal education as more of a requirement. In my current field (human services) the most entry-level position requires some formal post-high school education. It is not the best way, but it is the reality.

 

[ForHisGlory]

I've thought a lot about this in the past. I graduated just three years ago with approximately $40,000+ in school debt (with minimal assistance from my parents). My dad was real upset about not being able to help. But after graduating, I thanked him for not paying for it. I saw so many kids wasting their time with no consideration for their "free" education. I learned so much about personal finance that no professor, parent, or teacher could ever teach me. I learned that I must study hard and do well (I strived for and received several scholarships - approximately $12,000), which would have meant more of a burden for me later on. I learned that I must work hard during school....that it wasn't just 100% fun time for me (and yes college can be fun with a full course load and a job). I learned that I can't just change my major forty times, extending my education another 2 years, becasue it's free and I have no consequences. In the end, I learned so much about personal discipline, making decisions, and work ethic than a free ride would have ever given me. One year later after graduating I paid off all my debt......thanks to a good lesson on finances.

However, being a recipient of so much grace, I think it is wise to show this as well. Therefore I came up with an idea that would both instill discipline in my children and provide a blessing should financial resources be available. I call it the "best of both worlds". This plan consists of encouraging them while they are young to work hard and study hard.....to strive for scholarships.....because they will have to pay for college. They learn all the valuable lessons I mentioned above AND MORE by supporting themselves and making those tough life decisions as a young adult. Then....after walking across the stage.....fully educated.....fully disciplined.....financially competent......and hopefully minimal debt....."here son/daughter.....here's $25,000 that your mother and I have saved for your college education. You've worked hard for this day and have learned many lessons that this money wouldn't have taught you 4 years ago. We're proud of you."

That's my plan.....Lord willing. First I need children. Then I need the finances to fulfill the second half of that plan. But the great part is......if the second part doesn't work out, my child still learned some great and invaluable lessons.

 

[kvanlaan]

I am quite familiar with that land. I was born in Florida, raised in Minnesota, and served in the Marine Corps in California, with several other stops along the way. I agree that it is possible, and commend you for your success, but see formal education as more of a requirement. In my current field (human services) the most entry-level position requires some formal post-high school education. It is not the best way, but it is the reality.

Just remember, that in the frozen land north of the border, plumbers can make $70 - $80,000 a year; electricians about the same, depending on the state of the economy. University is not a requirement for economic security.

 

[Notthemama1984]

I have had very little in terms of help from my parents while going to school. Honestly, it has bothered me to a certain degree that they were making 120 grand a year, but never saved any of it to help me or my brothers and sister go to college whereas I have an uncle who brings in alot less, but is frugal and paid for both of his daughters to go to Texas A&M. Both daughters graduated with good grades and are now set up for success.

I originally had my undergrad as a church music major with plans of going to Houston Baptist University. The school is so expensive that the maximum student loans you can get only pay a bit over half of the tuition. Everything else is on you. Seeing how I did not have all that cash laying around, I could not go to HBU.

I understand the whole thing about the child learning lessons and all, but unless this child is a trust fund baby, then you not providing at least some financial assistance will limit your child's choices in terms of schools. If my kid was smart enough to get into MIT, I would want him to go and would do whatever I could to help him get there. I would not just tell him tough cookies figure it out yourself.

So in some respects I think you are being a bit unkind and have the potential of holding back your child's career.

 

[asc]

I voted "no" to jerk, but i would recommend that you reconsider depending on your own family specifics. A good college education can be very expensive but can also be worth a lot, giving a person a significant edge in a competitive market and providing unique opportunities. By supporting your children financially with their college education, even if it's a small amount if that's all you can afford, you emphasize the importance of education to your children.

My parents expected me to go to a good university and therefore were willing to save for it. I expect likewise with my children and myself.

I applaud the folks that were able to work and study at the same time. Unfortunately depending upon a person's abilities or field of study, this may not be doable for your own children.

 

[Wannabee]

Absolutely not a jerk.
My upbringing was far from ideal, but my parents did say they'd pay for college. I took it for granted and goofed off. My father did sort of end up paying for seminary, when I was serious and wanted the education (at 38). We used savings and my inheritance. I often wonder what he would have thought of that (we don't know if he was saved).
Your charge is to raise your children in the admonition of the Lord. They are to be equipped for life. They should learn things they can use to help them in life. Vocations are great. I've encouraged both of my sons to work a trade for a year or two. Neither really took me up on it, but I've taught them how to work on their own cars, work on the house, and they've worked with me on various jobs (they could stretch a barbed wire straight by about 9 years old).
We set aside a set amount of money for their college and told them it was available. During that time, if they needed it for education they could use it, but grants had to go into the same pool. And living expenses were their responsibilities. They could stay home and pitch in, alleviating costs. But the money was for education only. They've needed very little so far. In fact, one of them has more in it now than we provided.

I'm not huge on education, in case that was missed. It's valuable, to a point. But also overvalued in many ways. Teach them to love the Lord and strive for godliness. I made it clear to both our sons that I'd rather they were godly janitors than ungodly CEOs. In fact, the distractions of affluent positions often are not worth the earthly reward because they detract so much from focus on the heavenly treasure. They must live for eternity and the glory of God.

May God draw their hearts ever closer to Him, giving them a fervent love for Christ and a passion for His glory. And may He prepare godly spouses to strive together with them for the eternal blessing, honor and glory of their Creator.

 

[Mindaboo]

My dad died in April of the year I was graduating from high school, to him that was "higher education". My dad had an 8th grade education, so in his mind a high school diploma was sufficient. Now a days, that isn't so. It is a challenge for those with a college education to get a job and even worse for people like me, who have no paper to state that I have an education. My parents never talked to me about college at all. I decided after graduation that I wanted to pursue community college, could have gone for next to nothing, but my mom wouldn't fill out the papers, so that I could get social security checks while attending. I just couldn't swing it. My parents kicked me out when I was just 17, made me work from the time I was 14 and it got me nowhere. I have a great work ethic, but a degree to go with that would have helped. I learned a lot about making my money last, paid for my first car and my insurance all by myself. I learned my lessons in a different way.

Why wouldn't you want to help them if you are able? If you don't have the money that is one thing, but if you do, what harm will it do to help them? I wish someone would have helped me and I plan on doing all I can to help all four of mine to get a degree. I understand about teaching lessons in financial management, but I think we all owe our children the benefit of helping them accel in life. Can't they learn to be grateful without being forced into a ton of debt? I guess I am just not understanding why we want to send our children into married life with a ton of debt.

We homeschool as well, and we do whatever it takes to make it happen. We go without to give our kids music lessons, a great co-op, the best curriculum we can provide, etc., but they need more than that. I have no degree and no one wants to hire a mom with no degree, but has a good work ethic. Wal-Mart and Food Lion just aren't that appealing for job choices for me. My son knows that he needs to stand up and be a man, if he wants a family he needs to be willing to do what it takes to provide for them. That requires college, and the last thing he needs is to go into married life with the weight of debt strapped to him. I want more for my kids than what I had/have.

 

[vkochetta]

This is all good stuff.

I largely supported myself through school, saved while working through high-school and worked through college and had to take on some student loans.

What made it hard was sitting next to others who were getting a free ride from well intentioned parents. These folks rarely studied and barely knew how to manage their time and resources. Many spent hours partying rather than focusing on the tasks at hand.

I don't consider myself particularly diligent or self-motivated, but I did apply myself knowing that I was footing the bill.

My oldest daughter is considering colleges and I haven't finalized how I will approach it... how much to allow her to participate in the process.

Is it a "jerky" thing to bring merit into the decision? If a child is demonstrating diligence and responsibility, then reward that. If time and opportunity is squandered, then don't finance it. That's how it will (should) work in the employment world.

--- Vinny

 

[he beholds]

I have a question--are children our responsibility until they are married? I think this would play into this discussion.

 

[Grace Alone]

Our parents loved us and wanted us to have college educations, so they paid for it other than spending money, which we had summer jobs to earn. In turn, we are paying for our children's education along with some gifts from grandparents. Our son graduated with honors and our daughter graduated with straight A's...summa cum laude. She worked every summer and worked hard at her courses during the school year. She graduated early and started on her master's and completed it right before her 23rd birthday. We did have to use public universities with the exception that our son took some time off and finished through Liberty's distance ed. program (and that was mostly paid for through grants because he was 24 at the time and the aid was based in his very low income at that time). We have one more child in 7th grade and we plan to pay for her education, Lord willing.

We believe that summer jobs or minimal part-time jobs while in college are sufficient to teach responsibility. Obviously the support would be cut off if the grades were not good. Immature children may need two years of community college before being sent to a college dorm. And it is certainly a good financial option to use a community college for the first two years.

Parents who cannot afford to help with college have no choice. But since we have the ability, we would not withhold good gifts of education from our children just as the Lord does not withhold good gifts to us. We would be willing to make sacrifices to help our children as long as they were holding up their end (making good grades and being responsible). That is our conviction.