Loving Yourself

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A.Joseph

Puritan Board Senior
Is the idea of loving yourself before you can love others biblical?

Personally, I have plenty of tendencies that will probably require a lifetime of undoing and breaking down. There's a lot inherent in me that is not only not lovable, but diametrically opposed to where my faith is leading me. So I'm not sure I want to love myself. In fact, I think I could use some annihilating so I can be reshaped into something that is not myself. I think I'll always be restless in myself. I dont naturally love deeply. I like and care about my fellow man. I love and will bleed for my family. But me? Im just in the way....
 
Is the idea of loving yourself before you can love others biblical?
No. I don't think that is the right order.
I use this idea against myself so I am not trying to pick on you:

Self criticism or self loathing is a form of selfish love. If you think about it enough, the thought becomes clear: "I am not good enough, if only I could (get rid of...) (stop doing....), (be better at....)."

In other words, you love yourself to the point of trying to abuse it into being the self that everyone else could love too.

John in his First Epistle shows the proper order: (1 John 4:8-11).

8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
(1 Jn. 4:8-11 NKJ)

We do not know what love is at all, how it ought to properly work, until we know God. And it springs from the fact that God loves his people, despite their unlovable status.

If God loves us. We ought to love. Tie that in with love your neighbor as yourself, and you realize that the only proper self-love must come from knowing God and acknowledging his love for us.
 
The Bible assumes that we already love ourselves far more than what we should, which is why Jesus insists on us loving others as much as we love ourselves (and ultimately, as much as he loves us). There’s an idea in mainline churches that what’s lacking for most people is self-love, but the Bible seems to warn against loving yourself more than you should.

The key really is to view ourselves the same way that God views us and to view others how God views them. And quite honestly, because we’re still in the process of sanctification, we ought to be learning and growing in this way throughout our earthly lives.

Learning to love what Jesus loves is a lifetime pursuit (that includes loving others and loving ourselves properly).
 
The Bible assumes that we already love ourselves far more than what we should, which is why Jesus insists on us loving others as much as we love ourselves (and ultimately, as much as he loves us). There’s an idea in mainline churches that what’s lacking for most people is self-love, but the Bible seems to warn against loving yourself more than you should.

The key really is to view ourselves the same way that God views us and to view others how God views them. And quite honestly, because we’re still in the process of sanctification, we ought to be learning and growing in this way throughout our earthly lives.

Learning to love what Jesus loves is a lifetime pursuit (that includes loving others and loving ourselves properly).
I would say that the Bible knows we love ourselves far more than we should.
 
The Bible assumes that we already love ourselves far more than what we should, which is why Jesus insists on us loving others as much as we love ourselves (and ultimately, as much as he loves us). There’s an idea in mainline churches that what’s lacking for most people is self-love, but the Bible seems to warn against loving yourself more than you should.

The key really is to view ourselves the same way that God views us and to view others how God views them. And quite honestly, because we’re still in the process of sanctification, we ought to be learning and growing in this way throughout our earthly lives.

Learning to love what Jesus loves is a lifetime pursuit (that includes loving others and loving ourselves properly).
Absolutely. I've thought about this before with people who society would say "hate themselves":

-Case study #1: "I'm stupid, fat, and no one likes me! I hate myself!"

-Suitable Response #1: "I hate myself though, so... awesome! Serves ya right, me!"

-Case study #2: "I hate myself so much just want to end my life!"

-Suitable Response #2: "I know what I'll do instead. I'll serve others in poverty and obscurity! It will be great revenge against me, and my hated life will bring benefit to others much better than I."

But of course these are ridiculous because "self-hatred" isn't really self-hatred at all but warped self-love.
 
Is the idea of loving yourself before you can love others biblical?

I think definitions and conceptions of what biblical love is and is not is important before the question can be answered.

If one is using love of self to mean the same thing as selfishness, than it is always to be rejected.

However, if one is using the same conception of loving oneself as loving one's neighbor, it isn't a bad thing at all. Love always does what is best for the other and, as Augustine said repeatedly, points the person to the ultimate source of love which is God Himself.

Therefore, if we work off of Augustine's conception (which I think is quite biblical), truly loving oneself means you are pursuing a love of God above all since that is literally what is the very best for you.

Loving others then, according to Augustine, is helping them love God as well since He is the greatest good and the very best thing for them.

Going back to your original question, one then can only truly love others when they are themselves loving God first which I would simply say is being a regenerate Christian. Once we are truly the Lord's and in relationship with Him, we have the capacity to immediately begin to love others. As our love of God grows, so should our love for others.

Practically, I think it is a mistake to pull back and only focus on one's love for God and not others - I am not sure either can be done in isolation (1 John seems to make this connection repeatedly). However, there may be times in our Christian walks where one needs a greater focus than the other while not completely neglecting either.
 
Lots of good answers here already. I just want to make a simple grammatical point. The "prooftext" often used for the need to love yourself first before you can love your neighbor is "Love your neighbor as you love yourself". But if I say to a class of kids, "Now children, today I want you to paint your paper blue as the sky is blue" I don't mean that they have to make the sky blue before they can touch their paper. On the contrary, the presupposition is that the sky is already blue, and I am commanding something simply with respect to painting the paper. So too the presupposition of the passage is that we do already love ourselves (even though that self-focus may emerge in quite destructive behaviors, as some have pointed out). What we are commanded to do is to turn that attention away from ourselves and love others.
 
I think I developed self protective/defensive instincts and posture toward others early on in life probably due to not having good, nurturing Christian role models. So my default is probably an over-emphasis on self. It’s something I will ask God to break down and replace while actively striving to do so.

I agree that self love can take on many forms. I reckon it’s best to know Christ’s sacrificial love for us and others. I know I know this intellectually….
 
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Hmm...it seems like we are accustomed to partitioning love in one direction or the other. If God is the fountainhead of love, and we love Him, we will in turn love our neighbors. I don't see a separation of the two (or three rather).

Love God > Love Self > Love neighbor > ...and then back to Love God > Love Self > Love Neighbor.

I hope I'm not missing the mark by applying the framework of the Trinity to this conversation. Yes, self love is self love but it CANNOT be separated from love of God and neighbor. I hope what I am saying can be fleshed out by the more learned among us. Greetings from STL.

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I am new to Puritan Board. This question was a very useful for me personally. And the responses even more so in helping me gain insight into my own journey.

I would only add that Sinclair Ferguson in his book "Love Came Down at Christmas" (page 67-68) comments:

"It is perhaps not surprising that in an age when secular scientists insist we are exclusively material beings, and tell us there is no "self" other than our biological functions, the longing for self has taken on epidemic proportions. People can "self-identify" as this or that. Thus self-directed love is seen as a fundamental birthright - even while our governments take it upon themselves to decide when there is a self who has the right to birth.

The problem - as Augustine saw so clearly - is that amor sui (self-directed love) leads to personal and societal disaster whenever it is severed from amor Dei (God-directed love)."

From a cognitive standpoint I understood Ferguson's point. Reading and thinking about the comment of VictorBravo along with the scripture he provided has helped me begin to develop a fuller understanding of this concept. I found the idea of "Self criticism or self loathing is a form of selfish love" especially helpful for me.

Thank you all for your insights!
 
Lots of good answers here already. I just want to make a simple grammatical point. The "prooftext" often used for the need to love yourself first before you can love your neighbor is "Love your neighbor as you love yourself". But if I say to a class of kids, "Now children, today I want you to paint your paper blue as the sky is blue" I don't mean that they have to make the sky blue before they can touch their paper. On the contrary, the presupposition is that the sky is already blue, and I am commanding something simply with respect to painting the paper. So too the presupposition of the passage is that we do already love ourselves (even though that self-focus may emerge in quite destructive behaviors, as some have pointed out). What we are commanded to do is to turn that attention away from ourselves and love others.
Thank you. This is a very interesting thought.
 
The problem - as Augustine saw so clearly - is that amor sui (self-directed love) leads to personal and societal disaster whenever it is severed from amor Dei (God-directed love)."

Absolutely. There is a vital interdependence between the two. All our love must necessarily be defined by the very character of God as the source. All other "love" is a corruption and counterfeit. In understanding love, we must start with the very nature of God and work down to the creature and his interactions with the Creator and with other creatures.

For those who want a deep dive on Augustine's theology of love, "Amor Dei" by John Burnaby is a must. It is not light reading but extremely well done.
 
I have found William Ames to be helpful on the matter in his Marrow (see Book 2, Chapter 16). Here is a snippet:

13. The order of this charity is this, that God is first and chiefly to be loved by charity, and so is as it were the formal reason of this charity toward our neighbor: next after God we are bound to love ourselves, namely with that charity which respects true blessedness; for loving God himself with love of union, we love ourselves immediately with that chief charity which respects our spiritual blessedness: but we ought to love others whom we would have partakers of the same good with us, secondarily as it were; moreover others may be deprived of this blessedness without our fault, but we our selves cannot; therefore we are more bound to will and seek it for ourselves than for others.

14. Hence it is that the love of ourselves hath the force of a rule or measure unto the love of others: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thy self.

15. Hence it is never lawful to commit any sin for another's sake, although our offence may seem small, and to be a chief good, which we should seek to another: for he that wittingly and willingly sinneth hateth his own soul. Prov. 8. 36. & 29. 24. He that sinneth against me, offereth violence to his own soul. He that partaketh with a thief, hateth himself, and he that hearing cursing declareth it not.
 
I think the problem with "self love" is that we often love ourselves at the expense of our neighbor. This also works the same way when we love ourselves to our own detrimnent in whatever sinful form that may manifest. Its almost self regulating (pun not intended). You cannot properly love yourself or your neighbor when you love them to their or your own hurt.

Romans 13:9–10, “The commandments, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not covet,’ and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

Self denial involves rendering goods and services to your neighbor that you yourself would need, and not a denial of your own needs that you really need.
 
Here's a relevant quote from Thomas Watson:

"Love to God is the best self-love. It is self-love to get the soul saved; by loving God, we forward our own salvation. 'He that dwelleth in love, dwelleth in God, and God in him' (1 John 4:16). And he is sure to dwell with God in heaven, that has God dwelling in the heart. So that to love God is the truest self-love; he that does not love God, does not love himself." (p.91 Watson, All Things For Good, Puritan Paperbacks)
 
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Here's a relevant quote from Thomas Watson:

"Love to God is the best self-love. It is self-love to get the soul saved; by loving God, we forward our own salvation. 'He that dwelleth in love, dwelleth in God, and God in him' (1 John 4:16). And he is sure to dwell with God in heaven, that has God dwelling in the heart. So that to love God is the truest self-love; he that does not love God, does not love himself." (p.91 Watson, All Things For Good, Puritan Paperbacks)
This is it.

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