greenbaggins
Puritan Board Doctor
Last night my wife and I had a good discussion about parenting, and some fairly decent thoughts came out of that which I'd like to share.
Firstly, and most importantly, parenting is by grace from first to last. I think there are few temptations more alluring than to try to parent children without practical grace. We think that our effort comes first, and then God picks up where we leave off. As a result, we get frustrated when the behavior of the child doesn't change. We also then set up heart idolatries of what we want our household to look like, and get frustrated and angry with God when they don't materialize.
Secondly, speaking of behavior, we get WAY too wrapped up in considerations of behavior without realizing that behavior is always symptomatic of the heart, which is the real problem. See the outstanding discussions of this in Tedd Tripp's book, and the general outlines of this problem among all people in Paul Tripp's book (Paul and Tedd are brothers, by the way). These two books are, I think, two of the most important books to read about parenting.
So, practically speaking, what we came to was a realization that we don't love our children enough. We would rather take the easy way out and issue a warning rather than a spanking for something we know that they know is wrong. This has the effect of making the children want to play the fence the whole time to see how far they can go. Children need to know that those boundaries are cast in bronze. It makes them feel more secure.
Furthermore, we found out that we need to tie in discipline to the Gospel. Our daughter Ila has been asking the perfect question as a lead-in to the gospel, "Why do I do these wicked things?" (She's not quite 5 years old). What a perfect opportunity to talk to her about Adam and what he passed on to us, showing the problem to which Christ is the solution! It takes time, of course, to tie in discipline with the Gospel. I am convinced, however, that if we were to do that more often, the child would see that discipline really is an act of love, and they would see God's grace more clearly. If they do, of course, it is due not primarily to our good parenting, but to God's grace in opening their eyes. I am merely saying that this is a good way to share the gospel with children.
Firstly, and most importantly, parenting is by grace from first to last. I think there are few temptations more alluring than to try to parent children without practical grace. We think that our effort comes first, and then God picks up where we leave off. As a result, we get frustrated when the behavior of the child doesn't change. We also then set up heart idolatries of what we want our household to look like, and get frustrated and angry with God when they don't materialize.
Secondly, speaking of behavior, we get WAY too wrapped up in considerations of behavior without realizing that behavior is always symptomatic of the heart, which is the real problem. See the outstanding discussions of this in Tedd Tripp's book, and the general outlines of this problem among all people in Paul Tripp's book (Paul and Tedd are brothers, by the way). These two books are, I think, two of the most important books to read about parenting.
So, practically speaking, what we came to was a realization that we don't love our children enough. We would rather take the easy way out and issue a warning rather than a spanking for something we know that they know is wrong. This has the effect of making the children want to play the fence the whole time to see how far they can go. Children need to know that those boundaries are cast in bronze. It makes them feel more secure.
Furthermore, we found out that we need to tie in discipline to the Gospel. Our daughter Ila has been asking the perfect question as a lead-in to the gospel, "Why do I do these wicked things?" (She's not quite 5 years old). What a perfect opportunity to talk to her about Adam and what he passed on to us, showing the problem to which Christ is the solution! It takes time, of course, to tie in discipline with the Gospel. I am convinced, however, that if we were to do that more often, the child would see that discipline really is an act of love, and they would see God's grace more clearly. If they do, of course, it is due not primarily to our good parenting, but to God's grace in opening their eyes. I am merely saying that this is a good way to share the gospel with children.
brother! As William Plumer says to parents, "Teach well, rule well, live well, pray well." May the grace of God season us as we teach our children, and may they know His saving grace which above all things is the work of the Holy Spirit. 
