Scottish jokes

[Scot]

Originally posted by Ivan
Keep 'em comin'!

O.k., rather than making a bunch of different threads, I'll post all the scottish jokes/stories here.

You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."

Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round of drinks when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled.

 

[Ivan]

Great, Dan, very funny. They put a smile on my face!

 

[Anton Bruckner]

Originally posted by Scot


A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round of drinks when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled.

HAHAHAHEHEHAHAHEHEHA LOL

 

[Scot]

MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."

It is rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen took to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.

An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.
"Man," scoffed the Scot,
"hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

In the "old days" Clan MacKay went raiding one time and came back with, among other things, dozens of bottles of whiskey and one loaf of bread. When the chief saw the booty, he asked, "Wha's gaen ta eat a' that bread?"

 

[LawrenceU]

Dan, it's a good thing you're a Scot or I might have to come over and whup ya.

 

[RamistThomist]

Even if he weren't, this is too good (and this from a guy who's grandparents were from Scotland).

 

[Scot]

Originally posted by LawrenceU
Dan, it's a good thing you're a Scot or I might have to come over and whup ya.

Is this better?

Scotland suffers from only one thing - too much England. :bigsmile:

A Scotsman & a Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie.

"I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.
The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Jocks coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out."

POOF and it's done.

The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".

"OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

[Edited on 2-2-2006 by Scot]

 

[LawrenceU]

Dan, we actually tell Scottish jokes all the time. Most of the are Campbell (hhhaacch - ptui) jokes.

 

[Puritanhead]

Originally posted by LawrenceU


Dan, we actually tell Scottish jokes all the time. Most of the are Campbell (hhhaacch - ptui) jokes.

The Campbells are the sworn enemies of my clan MacGregor! They stole our lands in county Argyllshire, and we kicked the butts with guerilla warfare. No surrender!

 

[Puritanhead]

Willie: "Brothers and sisters are natural born enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! And Welshmen and Scots! And Japanese and Scots! And Scots and other Scots! Lousy Scots! They ruin Scotland..."
Skinner: "You Scots sure are a contentious people."
Willie: "You just made an enemy for life!"

 

[RamistThomist]

Originally posted by Puritanhead

Willie: "Brothers and sisters are natural born enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! And Welshmen and Scots! And Japanese and Scots! And Scots and other Scots! Lousy Scots! They ruin Scotland..."
Skinner: "You Scots sure are a contentious people."
Willie: "You just made an enemy for life!"

You beat me to the punch. Willie might be the unsung character on the show. Some of his lines are golden.

 

[LawrenceU]

Jacob,
Seminary is not treating you well according to your avatar.

 

[LawrenceU]

As for having a grievance against the Campbells, I don't think any clan can match Clan Donald. Glen Coe is hard to stomach.

As it happens, my cousin (who carries the name) whilst a pastor in Scotland fell in love with a Campbell lass. They married here in the states to avoid controversy! Seriouisly. It was a wonderfull wedding. Met cousins I neve knew I had and several I've not seen since a was little.

 

[Scot]

As for having a grievance against the Campbells, I don't think any clan can match Clan Donald. Glen Coe is hard to stomach.

As it happens, my cousin (who carries the name) whilst a pastor in Scotland fell in love with a Campbell lass. They married here in the states to avoid controversy! Seriouisly. It was a wonderfull wedding. Met cousins I neve knew I had and several I've not seen since a was little.

The MacPherson's grievance was with clan Davidson (both from the same confederation of clan Chattan). Clan Chattan was fueding with clan Cameron. The MacPhersons and Davidsons argued over who would take the right flank (the one of highest honor). The Davidsons were placed there, even though clan Macpherson claimed the hereditary right of right flank. The MacPhersons set out the feud and the Davidsons took a beating from the Camerons. (There is a tradition that says a minstrel was sent to the Macpherson camp who taunted these clansmen with cowardice, and that, enraged in consequence, they flew to arms, attacked the Camerons, and completely routed them.)


The feud between the MacPhersons and Davidsons became so bad that the King (Robert II) decided to hold a clan battle to let the two clans settle their differences in a gladiator type environment. Thirty men from each clan were chosen to represent their side and fight it out to the death in front of the king and his royal court.

At first, it was an equal match but by the time a half hour had passed there were only a few Davidsons left to face about 20 MacPhersons. Finally, it was down to one Davidson against twenty MacPhersons. The remaining Davidson is said to have fled and dove into the nearest river to escape. Some records say that he did swim to the other side and escaped.

This is the only clan feud in history that had a royal audience.

Clan MacPherson claimed the right to take right flank in future battles.

 

[Scot]

...a student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"



There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, we're sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

 

[~~Susita~~]

Two Irishmen, two Scotsmen, and two Englishmen were stranded on an island. The Irishmen killed each other over the last Guinness. The Scots killed each other over who owned the island. And the Englishmen wouldn't talk to each other because they hadn't been properly introduced.

[Edited on 2-4-2006 by ~~Susita~~]

 

[Puritanhead]

Originally posted by LawrenceU
As for having a grievance against the Campbells, I don't think any clan can match Clan Donald. Glen Coe is hard to stomach.

As it happens, my cousin (who carries the name) whilst a pastor in Scotland fell in love with a Campbell lass. They married here in the states to avoid controversy! Seriouisly. It was a wonderfull wedding. Met cousins I neve knew I had and several I've not seen since a was little.

The End is at Hand

Isaiah 11:6-16
And the wolf will dwell with the lamb,
And the leopard will lie down with the young goat,
And the calf and the young lion and the fatling together;
And a little boy will lead them.
Also the cow and the bear will graze,
Their young will lie down together,
And the lion will eat straw like the ox.
The nursing child will play by the hole of the cobra,
And the weaned child will put his hand on the viper´s den.
They will not hurt or destroy in all My holy mountain,
For the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord
As the waters cover the sea.

My clan MacGregor is the sworn enemy of the Campbells, and waged guerrilla war against them 400 or so odd years ago. I wonder if God will have a sense of humor and make them share the same wing in Heaven.

 

[LawrenceU]

Man, was I tired with I typed that. One would never know I was an English minor in college. Typo city.

 

[LawrenceU]

Hee hee. You caught it first. I noticed that right before I punched the post button. I'd deleted and retyped some things. But, it's official: I'm over extended physically, mentally, and financially. Anything else available?