I came to know sovereign grace in reality first. I know everybody does in truth, but my own conversion was nothing less than that. It started in 1991, not my conversion, but the journey. It was during my first career job fresh out of college. I disbelieved the existance of God and was an evolutionist for years. In reality I was at great war with God not only denying Him but suppressing Him with all my might. The events that were sovereign in my life still stun me today. Ironic that I've struggled with assurance.
I had packed my meager belongings Sunday morning from my parents house to head to the city where I would live and work. Back then, fresh out of college I could pretty much pack up everything I owned in a suite case and clothes basket. Get this for 'no reason whatsoever' I packed an old King James Bible that we had received as a gift when I was I child after the 74 tornados hit & destroyed our home. Me, an atheist, packed a bible.
I arrived at my new place. The Gulf war was going on. Then the first event hit that night. I recall this exceedingly overwhelming since of foresaken emptiness hitting me. It drove me to crying and weeping. I know many here don't know me but especially back then I was exceedingly calloused toward such things. Crying would have been a sign of weakness to me. I don't cry easily at all. But here I was broken and I couldn't figure out why? I thought I was loosing my ever loving mind, "what was wrong with me I would cry out". I cannot express enough the lostness I felt and utter abandonement. It was like a great dark falling vacuum on my soul, I suppose what hell might in part be like. Back then though why I was experiencing this I did not know? I picked up that old bible and read something from it (I don't recall what, I think in Genesis). It made absolutely no since to me at all. I cried out, "God if you are real, if you are there, I don't know you, I do not know you, are you real..." Then I beat my bible on my head weaping and saying, "I know the truth is in here but I just cannot find it!"
Finally, from exhaustion I fell asleep. I'll never forget that night. Keep in mind I'm still an "atheist". I started work the very next day. They hired two of us to work at the Lab. Another guy named Jamie. We were both waiting out in the lobby filling out our paper work and he introduced himself to me, "Hello, I'm Jamie P. and I'm a christian." Back then I was clueless to what was going on but I look back on that and think, "and they doubt His sovereignty". I don't know if you get the force of that but looking back as I write this it brings tears to my eyes. You have no idea how far from God I was back then, an absolute hater of God. Be very thankful if you were raised and marked into the church from childhood, be very thankful!!!
Fast forwarding a bit. For three years Jamie befriended me and discussed many things with me. He wasn't callouse or 'in my face'. He was patient and not pushy. And he didn't throw a track in my face. He answered what he could and many times he couldn't answer my questions. Though I still fought, I began to wonder, "Is there a God?" I recall a specific bible study he had invited me to with his pastor. I knew in part they were "witnessing to me", I thought myself pretty sly and impervious non-the-less. Plus, Jamie was my friend so I trusted him none-the-less. That night was another turning point. As they 'witnessed to me' I sat and listened. And I remember this one scripture that his pastor quoted to me. As an atheist at that point I viewed all religions and denominations as but numerous sub-religions under the heading of "religion". That's sort of the atheist mind-set, religions are over here in a pile called religions and us unbelievers/irreligious are over here in a pile. Thus, the ideas of baptist, methodist, presbyterian, etc... were merely 3+ religions to me, all trying to get us to join each one. That is key because as an atheist/agnostic back then this was 'proof' to one that no religion is true and also a defense mechanism because one merely thinks that all these religions are merely trying to get you to join their religion. Ironically, true atheist/agnostics are not relativist most of the time. I had not conveyed that to them, but that was in my thinking. His pastor said, "You don't have to join our church..." and the scripture he quoted and showed me Psalm 118:8, "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man." It hit like a bolt of lightening. "They are not trying to get me to join 'their' religion, they are trying to communicate something to me above and beyond this mere earthly manifestation of Christianity...they are trying to get me to see the truth." That was my first picture of the earthly church Vs. the spiritual church. Though, I was still uncoverted. That ironically drives my view of the church here Vs. the church in the spiritual sense. That's why I don't believe in a regenerate church on earth. And this goes way back to my pre-conversion days and very powerfully from Scripture alone. For I had no presuppositions.
Fast forwarding some more. Jamie eventually left the company and I began to see the reality of God and actually believe that there was a God. At this point it was still an unregenerate view of God though. And I still supressed the truth of His holiness because of my sin and desire to stay in it. Thus, I would not join the church at all and openly continued to deny God or say, "maybe there's a God but...."
1997 was the year, June if I recall. I had moved back home because our firm had sold out and I had a new job closer to home in Louisville, KY (about 50 miles from my home town). I had been somewhat 'going to church at my mom's church but still never would join, be baptized or profess Christ.
At that point I knew all the information. Christ was God the Son, died on the cross, etc... But none of that information would convert me. One morning driving to work very early, 5:00 am, I turned on my radio looking for some tunes. Nothing was on. I flicked over to an AM station and came across this old preacher preaching. I almost turned him off because he didn't appeal to me at all. He was not one of these blubbering preachers but he sounded old and boring to me. I will never forget that morning. I've never to this date heard Christ so placarded before. I saw Him (not literally in my mind's imagination but in the Word). For the first time I saw Him. The Gospel is rarely purely preached today, very rarely, but when it is you always remember all of its sweetness. It is a shame that too many confuse the sweet gospel and obscure it.
He was preaching through Christ at Gethsemene, and I became more and more entranced by it. To this point in my life I could not figure out the value of Christ's death. It seemed pointless to me even if He did die for sins. I thought, "How does that appease God, surely He knew He'd rise again and what is a physical death to God. Furthermore, two thieves died that same day. Many men die horrible deaths for good causes." It perplexed me, I couldn't see it. The sacrifice of Christ almost seemed pagan to me. But as that preacher spoke of Christ praying sweating great drops of blood, I yelled at my radio, "Why, what would scare God the Son, why surely He knows He will rise...what is it." He continued that Christ Who knew no sin would bear sin and would at the cross 'drink down every last dreg of the undiluted cup of the wrath of God' (I'll never forget that phrase) where at the cross He would cry out, "MY God, My God why hast thou forsaken me." Then it happend, I 'saw' Christ crucified for real. It literally was like coming up out of a pool of water gasping for life giving air. It was like coming into a reality you formerly never knew in the least and I saw myself. It was like coming to life as much as one might imagine such. I began weeping and crying, I could hardly drive, I cried out, "God, I've denied you all my life for my own selfish gain and sin." I saw the value of Christ's bearing wrath and my wrath due me and it utterly broke me. It was irresistible.
I say it was irresistible not only because it broke me but pulled me through a moment of Spiritual warfare that occurred during that same time. Spiritual warfare was all over me at that time for I felt my self say (or I think it was myself), "You don't want to join the church now, do it later. You need more proof." I felt myself on the precipice of heaven and hell. Saved or forever lost. Snapping to my senses I remember thinking, "If you deny God now you are lost forever and nothing more can save you, you fool for there is no more proof...what proof could be greater than this...what is greater than this Christ crucified for me." I realize that the elect cannot be lost, but I also wonder if that was not a taste of the true unforgiveable sin. I cried out to Him asking forgiveness for all my vile worthlessness and said I will be baptized. I saw such mercy.
For the first time I actually feared my own self. I was afraid I would loose it and not carry it through. I suppose Romans 7 had set in, but I didn't know that back then.
That night, sheepishly, I went to the only person I trusted at that point my mother (a 32 year old mind you) and said to her in the kitchen at the dinner table, "Mom, I think I need to be baptized." Her jaw hit the floor, she didn't know what to do and called the pastor and one of the deacons who visited with me over the next few days. Once they got involved I prayed the 'sinners prayer' at least three seperate times with them. I followed along not knowing any better. I look back on those and shake my head because those items were so utterly distractive and Christ obscuring. And that was my conversion.
I could fill a page attempting to describe what I 'saw' in Christ's crucifixion and bearing of wrath. I don't think I could gather the words to make it real for another, actually I know I couldn't.
Actual formal formulation of what we call "calvinism" came about three years later when I was seeking the answer to "the innocent native" question. But due to my conversion I pretty much accepted the five points right away. It experimentally made perfect sense to me. I was actually shocked to find out later that many Christians hated it. I was genuinely shocked like a child, thinking why...is it not wonderful?
Sorry I posted so long.
Blessings,
Larry
As a former atheist/agnostic for about six years
Good one, John!
Calvin till I die
James White's The Potter's Freedom and Arthur Custance's The Sovereignty of Grace were heavily influential.
Next I picked up The Pleasures of God. It had a chapter about Election/Predestination. It made sense to me. I had often wondered at the mystery of where the line was drawn between my actions and God's actions. 
I had been told by one of my spiritual mentors that I should be careful (for my own sake as a new-believer) about who I talk about such things with, because some people get way bent out of shape about it. I didn't really believe him. After all, didn't the Sctiptures clearly teach that God was sovereign over everything that came to be? 
) made sense. There was not a verse that seemed silly in the context of Calvinism and everything could be explained rationally.
