Vision for young moms?

[FenderPriest]

This is a subject that's come up for my wife and me in discussing her time at home with our son. He's just under 1 year old, and my wife has been thinking out loud with me about what her "vision for being a young mom" should be right now. Owen (our boy) is in a bit of a transition period right now, learning to walk and beginning to be a bit strong-willed. Maybe other mothers here can help me on this - I'm still trying to get a picture of what exactly my wife is asking. What does a vision for life as a young mother look like? Practically? Spiritually? Mothering? Wifing? Basically, I'm all ears, and I'm hoping somebody understands this better than I do, and is willing to help me think through this!

thanks folks!

 

[he beholds]

Maybe she's interested in brainstorming with you a way to prioritize her time and talents? There are some things that need to get done, some things she'd like to get done, some things that you'd like for her to get done, and probably some things neither of you see as super important but haven't communicated that with each other, making some things that could be put off or discarded altogether.

I know with my own family, it was freeing to know that my husband prefers the bulk of my time to be spent with training, playing with, and teaching the children. He's not so concerned with me spending hours doing housework and he does like a yummy meal ready. (I only know this from paying attention to his moods. Even though he swears up and down that he's fine with cereal for dinner, he is always very grateful and happy when he has good food--this doesn't mean I make a dinner every night, but it is something I try to do pretty regularly.)

I get overwhelmed with pressure and guilt sometimes when the housework is mounting and it's nice to know that my husband is patient with those types of things, and also willing to help. Maybe that should go in your wife's vision, too. What things are you able and willing to take care of? And when. Saturdays? Every evening. Some evenings? Do you prefer work for both of you to pretty much stop when you are home so you can have fun together or do you prefer to have both of you work together? Or should she rest while you take care of son alone, etc...

And of course, much of the conversation may concern specifics regarding your son's training. And even some specifics regarding your wife's downtime. She might just need to be reassured that you don't expect perfection and that you understand that she has a lot of responsibilities but she may also have some fun.

Or, she just may be seeing the incredibly overwhelming task of motherhood and be paralyzed not knowing where to start. I imagine discussing the details like I mentioned above may help with that, too.

 

[TimV]

Wow, Jessica. Nice!!

 

[Kim G]

My son just turned two, and I have a daughter due in two weeks. I whole-heartedly agree with what Jessica said, especially about a husband's reassurance that the wife is doing a good job. If she used to dress up for dinner, cook you a nice meal, and have the floors and counters spotless every night, she may feel that she's letting you down if she spends the whole day playing with and training your son instead. I've had days when my son was sick or cranky and I would spend four hours just working with him to get a nap and/or a meal. It FEELS like a waste of time, and a husband may wonder WHAT IN THE WORLD his wife did all day. I'm sure she'd enjoy knowing what things are most important to you, so she can concentrate on those things and leave the rest alone for a while.

I know I often feel spiritually drained. Sleep is not as good, time for in-depth Bible study and prayer is sparse, and I spend more time working with my son to sit in church than I do listening to the messages. If your wife is looking for spiritual encouragement through the day, it helps to listen to Christian music (and sing along with your son!) and sermons online. My pastor's wife had 6 children, and she said she'd get up in the morning, write one verse on a 3x5 card, and put it somewhere in her house where she'd see it alot. When she passed by, she'd read it and medidate while she did housework or played with her kids.

I think some people try to "over-spiritualize" mothering by making a mother feel like a martyr sacrificing her own desires to take care of her children. Instead, I like to think of mothering as fulfilling my own desires by taking care of my children. If her vision for her son is to raise a healthy, well-adjusted, sweet, God-loving son, then she should be able to delight in setting aside mundane housework for a time and diving into lots of interaction with him instead. Reading him a book, giving him a bath, letting him scribble in a coloring book, or having him "help" cook supper by making a mess--these things teach your son to bond with and trust his parents and enjoy good things.

These are just a few off-the-top-of-my-head remarks. I know I felt overwhelmed for a long time with wondering how to spend my time and teach my son and stay spiritually healthy and please my husband. It takes a while to get used to the "new normal." I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

One more thing that has really helped me--I grew up in a fundamentalist Baptist home and was taught that children are innately rebellious and manipulative and that we are to subdue them and break their wills. Now, obviously children have sin-natures and want their own way (don't we all, in the flesh?), but thinking of your children as sin-factories to be conquered and subdued makes you view a child almost as an enemy. This may not apply to your situation, but I have seen mothers in this situation who inwardly loathe their children because EVERYTHING is a battle against them. Instead, my husband and I are our son's friend, his earthly providers and protectors, and we guide my son to Christ as the Sin-Conquerer. It's about a loving relationship.