How to Handle an Unrepentant Parent?

[Christian_7430]

My parents got divorced about 2 years ago due to mom being unfaithful. Mom requested the divorce. This is the second time my parents have gotten divorced in about a 13 year span, both times my mom being unfaithful and filing for divorce.

Two years ago Mom said she was leaving home for a bit to work on herself, then started being unfaithful again. My siblings and I were all adults with 3 of the 4 siblings still living at home when Mom walked out the second time, telling us that she wasn't going to leave our family.

In that two years since the divorce, Mom has had her boyfriend move in to her house and they have gotten engaged. She talks about how she's much more focused on God now and this relationship is helping her be a better Christian.

The siblings and I are wondering how much life our Mom should be involved in. Two siblings have newborn children now. We want to be biblical in our approach, but don't want this new guy, or our mother's lifestyle around our families.

Ephesians 6:2 says that we are to honor our mother, but 1 Corinthians 5:9-13 says that we aren't to sit with those that live adamantly in sin and claim the name of Christ. We know our Mom lives adamantly in sin because 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 tells us that a wife should not leave her husband, and even if she does she shouldn't get remarried, but should reconcile with her husband. She have moved in with a man and is engaged in him, all while telling us that she is close to God than ever before.

None of us want to lose our Mom, but we aren't sure what the biblical way to live with her is or what the appropriate way to involve her in our life is, especially when she is so adamant about bringing her new guy around the family regardless of the boundaries we try to set.

What do you think we should do? If possible please cite scripture.

 

[chuckd]

How does your dad feel about it? It takes a special man to take back a woman who cheated on him AND filed for divorce.

 

[TheInquirer]

As an adult not living under your parents’ authority, I personally default to the 1 Corinthians passage. Your mother needs to show repentance and her sins have caused relational damage in the family. Her talk of a live in boyfriend helping her with her faith is a load of garbage and an attempt to to justify sin.

 

[Christian_7430]

How does your dad feel about it? It takes a special man to take back a woman who cheated on him AND filed for divorce.

He’s pretty much over it since they’ve already been divorced twice. He isn’t opposed to us seeing her and has stayed completely neutral throughout all of this. The only thing he’s said is that she should respect our boundaries.

 

[Ploutos]

The first and foremost thing to remember here is that this is primarily between you and God.

First, God calls you to honor your parents. Have you examined your heart and come to terms with any resentment or disrespect or lack of love towards your mom? Have you lovingly shared the gospel with her and expressed a desire for a relationship with her as well as a desire to see her relationship with God restored? You will ultimately have to give an account to God not for how she has wronged you or for the things that you might have tried to excuse because of the relational dynamics at play. You will have to answer for how you kept the fifth commandment.

Second, God calls you to raise your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. This means guarding their souls and shielding them from harmful influences until you have had a chance to prepare and disciple them appropriately. The specifics of this vary with every family, and not every family has the desired degree of control over their circumstances. At the end of the day you will have to give an account for how you stewarded the children God gave you, apart from any excuses about social pressures or unwillingness to have difficult conversations.

The long and short is that you do have a duty to love your mom and to try to have a relationship with her. But that duty only goes as far as scripture allows. If in your judgment it is not wise or prudent for your children to be exposed to her immorality, then that is a factor that sets clear parameters on your fifth commandment duty. All the more if your mom actively embraces her lifestyle and evangelizes others toward her moral values. But your judgment may also be that you have a witnessing opportunity and that your children are sufficiently rooted to take part with you in that witnessing opportunity, instead of needing to be shielded from it.

That said, following God's commands faithfully often has a way of solving these problems without too much mental agony on our part. You do have a duty to lovingly call your mom to repentance and to be open about your values and the ways in which her lifestyle is contrary to scripture. If you do that (but please do it lovingly and respectfully!) she herself may solve the problem for you of just how much she is going to be in your life.

 

[Christian_7430]

How does your dad feel about it? It takes a special man to take back a woman who cheated on him AND filed for divorce.

He’s pretty much over it since they’ve already been divorced twice. He hasn’t voiced any concerns about us

The first and foremost thing to remember here is that this is primarily between you and God.

First, God calls you to honor your parents. Have you examined your heart and come to terms with any resentment or disrespect or lack of love towards your mom? Have you lovingly shared the gospel with her and expressed a desire for a relationship with her as well as a desire to see her relationship with God restored? You will ultimately have to give an account to God not for how she has wronged you or for the things that you might have tried to excuse because of the relational dynamics at play. You will have to answer for how you kept the fifth commandment.

Second, God calls you to raise your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. This means guarding their souls and shielding them from harmful influences until you have had a chance to prepare and disciple them appropriately. The specifics of this vary with every family, and not every family has the desired degree of control over their circumstances. At the end of the day you will have to give an account for how you stewarded the children God gave you, apart from any excuses about social pressures or unwillingness to have difficult conversations.

The long and short is that you do have a duty to love your mom and to try to have a relationship with her. But that duty only goes as far as scripture allows. If in your judgment it is not wise or prudent for your children to be exposed to her immorality, then that is a factor that sets clear parameters on your fifth commandment duty. All the more if your mom actively embraces her lifestyle and evangelizes others toward her moral values. But your judgment may also be that you have a witnessing opportunity and that your children are sufficiently rooted to take part with you in that witnessing opportunity, instead of needing to be shielded from it.

That said, following God's commands faithfully often has a way of solving these problems without too much mental agony on our part. You do have a duty to lovingly call your mom to repentance and to be open about your values and the ways in which her lifestyle is contrary to scripture. If you do that (but please do it lovingly and respectfully!) she herself may solve the problem for you of just how much she is going to be in your life.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. That was very well-put and helpful. I know it’s ultimately up to me, but in your opinion, what specific boundaries do you think should be set for the siblings and what boundaries should be set for the grandkids when it comes to interacting with my mom and her fiancée?
Again, I know that it all comes down to my decision so if there’s nothing more to be said I completely get it. Thank you again for your counsel!

 

[SeanPatrickCornell]

I'm sorry you have to deal with a situation like this. These kinds of situations are difficult.

 

[Ploutos]

He’s pretty much over it since they’ve already been divorced twice. He hasn’t voiced any concerns about us

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. That was very well-put and helpful. I know it’s ultimately up to me, but in your opinion, what specific boundaries do you think should be set for the siblings and what boundaries should be set for the grandkids when it comes to interacting with my mom and her fiancée?
Again, I know that it all comes down to my decision so if there’s nothing more to be said I completely get it. Thank you again for your counsel!

Your siblings are adults, right? Are you the eldest? Unless you all have some sort of mutual agreement, normally I would think each adult sibling should decide for himself/herself, though mutual advice and cooperation with a shared mindset is a wonderful aid there. And certainly for married siblings, the head of that household would make the decision.

Also, with children, a lot depends on the age of the child.

 

[Edward]

Probably a market for a book "Biblically Honoring a Reprobate Parent".

Looks like @Ploutos has made a good start. Maybe a collaborative PB effort - various elders and others could each contribute a chapter, interacting with each other before final editing and publication.

 

[TheInquirer]

“Honor” is a vague term and many people fill it with their own meaning. The situation is tricky because as the OP noted, there are seemingly conflicting commands of God to attempt to reconcile. Additionally, shepherding your own family and protecting them from evil influences of other family members is also a factor.

 

[TheInquirer]

Another thing to note, and this may be hard to hear:

If this were OT Israel your mom should have been executed for adultery. If she were a part of a good church today, she would have been excommunicated and handed over to Satan and all should treat her as an unbeliever.

She has lost the right to be treated as a Christian woman and any honor that goes along with it. I do not exactly know how that works with your relationship with her but something to keep in mind. You do not have to bear the burden of her sin and act like it hasn’t occurred. She has done great evil and along with that come all the consequences.