How would you confront this?

[ReformedWretch]

Since I have given my letter of resignation I am certain that I am going to get the opportunity to talk to one of my supervisors who claims to be a Christian.

Many times he has displayed a heart that is evidently devoted to Christ, but just as often or maybe even more so, he displays just the opposite. Now please understand that I know that I too am a sinner and do not always reflect our Lord! May He forgive me and grant me mercy all the more.

But, I have been truly hurt by this man who at times can be caring, encouraging, and supportive. On ocasion he has prayed with me on the job! Then other times he is mean, nasty, vindictive, and listens to rumors and gossip and takes them as truth before looking into them.

I am considering just saying all of this to him when he takes the time to talk to me. I suspect that won't go well. Do you think I should just tell him how I feel? Or since I resigned, should I just let it go and just pray for him (which I do all the time).

 

[TimV]

Don't do it, Adam. You will have to use him as a reference, probably several times in the future. You can't see the situation dispassionately anyway. Be as polite as you can, and if you haven't make sure your letter of resignation is polite and professional

 

[alwaysreforming]

Yeah, I would probably hold off on saying anything as well. Chances are very good that it won't be "received well" and if he's as mean, nasty, and vindictive as you would like to let him know he is, he is probably not humble enough to take it to heart and try to change.

The only way I would venture to voice those kinds of concerns are if he should ask you directly, but even then, I'd tread lightly and cautiously.

 

[pastorway]

As a follow up to Josh - you are required by the Scripture to talk this out with this man face to face. He is, or claims to be, your brother in Christ, and as members of the same Body (even if it is not the same local church) we are required to go to one another if we have caused offense or been offended. You, Adam, must forgive, but in order for full restoration of the relationship between believers, he aso must repent. Forgiveness does not restore until both parties have done their part.

Reference or not, it is a matter of obedience!

Colossians 3
12Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; 13bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. 14But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. 15And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.

Epeshians 4
31Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Matthew 18
15"Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that "by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' 17And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

Phillip

[Edited on 3-12-05 by pastorway]

 

[TimV]

Phillip, before giving that kind of advice, don't you think you should set out the other parameters? Like an agreed upon party of adjudication? Does Adam and this guy go to the same church? Are both churches and both parties willing to go the whole way, either to reconciliation or excommunication?

Adam, do you think your boss is willing to pick an adjudicator that would be acceptable to you both? And do you honestly feel that he would abide, and that you would abide, by whatever ruling was made? If so, follow Phillip's advice.

But if you're not going to go the whole way, you are in for a heap of trouble.

 

[pastorway]

What?

Obeying the Scriptures does not require adjudication. This is seeking restoration between brothers.

They don't attend the same church but at the same time, in the event that his boss does not repent, Adam can fulfill this Scripture by withdrawing fellowship and continuing to pray that God would grant him repentance so that they can be restored.

It is not mearly as long, hard, drawn out, or complicated as you make it Tim.

There are issues between believers and so the Bible speaks directly about what to do!

Phillip

 

[TimV]

I don't understand you quesion, Josh. If he thinks it a theological issue, then he should be prepared to take it the whole way, and that includes making sure his boss's church is willing to take part in the action.

 

[ReformedWretch]

Intresting guys...I plan on being as respectful as possible, but I feel he needs to know how he has made me feel. I will never use him as a refrence. I have several people here (one who is an administrator) that I use as refrences.

 

[TimV]

Josh, who is going to make sure Adam is not out of bounds? He's in the middle of a stressful, complicated situation. He can tell the guy off, but what if the guy comes back with things that Adam hasn't seen?

Adam, do what you want, but I doubt that it's in your hands whether or not to use the company as a reference. Job application nowdays require you to say where you've worked in the past, and believe me, they check.

But you've had two people give two opposite opinions, and you should move forward with confidence, or not at all.

 

[TimV]

15"Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that "by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' 17And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

Phillip, don't you see that there are some steps here?

Not that I care more that the fact that Adam asked for advice. It's his life. If Adam thinks that he will never need to provide references concerning his time at his current/ most recent job, cool! One of the nice things about being self employed is that nobody asks me for a detailed history of my work. They may want a couple references, but that's all. I hope it's the same with Adam, but due to the nature of his work, I doubt he will be as lucky as me.

But whatever, he has asked for, and has gotten, a wide range of opinions.

 

[ChristianasJourney]

I think you should look at the motives you have for confronting him...And to what purpose you want to have the conversation. Are you seeking restitution? Trying to cause him to repent from the errors of his ways? Just want to tell him how miserable he's made your life?

Personally, while I agree with Pastor Way, I'm much more likely to tell people "just forgive and move on."

Whatever you choose to do though, your attitude will be paramount toward fostering a good conversation.

 

[ReformedWretch]

I am almost certain he will approach me soon and ask for my thoughts, etc. Much of my issues here are with him. I am just pondering if I should tell him that or not.

 

[ChristianasJourney]

If he asks you for thoughts I'd tell him, but I'd tell him in such away so as not to directly criticize him for his treatment of you. The thought being that as soon as you make a "direct hit" he'll become instantly defensive and shut off all desire to hear.

 

[ReformedWretch]

That's pretty much how I have always spoken to him. Thanks for the thoughts!

 

[AdamM]

I think it is also good to remember that sanctification is an ongoing process in all of us, so it should not surprise us when we find Christians not acting fully consistent with their beliefs. Of course what to do about it is the issue, but unless I was specifically asked in your situation, I would let cover a multitude of sins and count it as a good lesson learned. I find most real Christians are painfully aware of their own areas of immaturity already and often times prayer and encouragement work a whole lot better then confrontation, especially if the groundwork of developing a solid relationship hasn't been done ahead of time. That is not to say blunt confrontation has no place, but I don't think ordinarily it should be the first tool we pull out of our kits.

 

[pastorway]

please note that I am not encouraging any type of confrontation - I am counseling Adam to make it clear what this man has done to hurt or offend him. Adam, you need to tell him that since you are leaving you want to be sure that there are no hard feelings between the two of you and let him know that there are some things you would like to clear up before you do leave.

This is all with the goal of restoration.

If Adam says nothing, this man may treat the next employee the same without ever knowing he is being offensive. If Adam can approach this graciously, with an attitude of obedience to the Word and love for this man, then God can use it to bring awareness of sinful attitudes and treatment of people to this managers attention.

As always, we go to people who have sinned not to "discipline" them, but to be restored to them. Discipline only happens if they further compound their sin by refusing to humbly seek restoration as well.

Phillip

 

[AdamM]

Pastor Way,

I do not disagree with what you are saying. I would however caution Adam that as sinful creatures our motives for wanting to do certain actions are often complex. Add in the tension of a supervisor/subordinate relationship and I would tread very carefully. I often times look back on stressful situations and find that the wisest words, were the ones that by God's grace that I never said. I just have found over and over that when people leave jobs or churches and have words of advice for their former elders (or bosses) usually the "advice" ends up being off base or destructive, but of course the person can't see it at the moment.

This individual is probably still going to be around in six months, so why not write down the things that you feel need to be addressed and commit to pray for this person everyday for six months. If at the end of six months, you still see the situation in the same light, then get together and discuss it. I think the added distance will give you the benefit of perspective that is impossible to have right now.