Love thy wife.....

[rookie]

I have been looking closer and closer at this passage (Ephesians 5 25 - 33) and the more I read it, the more confused I am.

Without going in details, I do much for my wife, (laundry, sweep, mop, dishes, take the dogs out, rub her feet, back, shoulders, garbage, mow the lawn...the last 5, she doesn't do, the others, we both partake) and there are many more things I do that don't come to mind.

What I am wondering is, what does it mean to love our wives? Does it mean giving them everything they want? When it comes to money, attention, being their drive through (Starbucks in our town doesn't have a drive through, so I get her drink every time and she waits in the car)

Does anyone have any insight of what love actually is? I am in love with my wife more than words can say...I would gladly take a bullet in her place, or if in a sinking ship, get her saved if only one of us can survive.....

But the more I try, the more I feel that I fail....

Anyone else in this predicament?

 

[Skyler]

You would gladly put your wife first in big, life-threatening situations. That's great. How about the little conflicts that come up in life? Are you willing to die for her in those situations too? That, I think, is where love puts shoes on. =)

That said, I should add a disclaimer that this observation comes from a young single man looking longingly at married couples and wishing he were there, not from personal experience.

 

[rookie]

You would gladly put your wife first in big, life-threatening situations. That's great. How about the little conflicts that come up in life? Are you willing to die for her in those situations too? That, I think, is where love puts shoes on. =)

That said, I should add a disclaimer that this observation comes from a young single man looking longingly at married couples and wishing he were there, not from personal experience.

That goes without saying, however, we all know we have to work, and have some decisions to make in our daily lives...and sometimes, she just has to understand that I have to get things done (coffee with a discouraged brother, business meetings at weird times of the night...and so on...).

But other than issues that deal with life and necessities...absolutely.

 

["William The Baptist"]

Disclaimer: I am not married.

Ok, now that that is out of the way I would say sacrificially loving her seems to be a given. That doesn't mean being her servant. Simply be a man. Lead her well. Disciple her. Listen to her. Confide in her. Protect her in every day life (don't make jokes at her expense around others, stand up for her, shield her, walk on the side of the street that is dangerous, etc). Provide for her. Do not let her bear the burdens, that is your job as the husband. Give her security by doing all the aforementioned. Cherish her... let her know how valuable she is to you. Fulfill your duties as a husband and let her know how important she is in fulfilling her duties as a wife!

Basically the essentials: provide, protect, cherish, and lead. all = love.

Coming from a female perspective, the best way to love a woman would be to love the Lord with everything in you; strive to be a godly man, and then live that out on a daily basis. Above all, do not let her rule you! I am serious, this doesn't mean belittle her... obviously.

The most content godly women I know have husbands who do these things. They are the most loved, the most secure, and are so full of joy.

Grow in the grace of the Lord and pray that he molds you to ever be conformed to the image of Christ and what biblical manhood is, not what is accepted today.

I think in our day and age when men rise to be men in a biblical sense and truly honor and cherish biblical womanhood... this is what excites the truly feminine heart.

 

[Stargazer65]

We are to love our wives as Christ loves the church. To love our wives properly, we need to have a good understanding of Christ's love for us. When we have a good perspective on how Christ loves us, loving our wives will flow out of that. If we through weakness have doubts about Christ's love for us, then it is also difficult to love our wives. I often meditate on my first love (Christ) through prayer and rereading his promises to us. Sometimes I share these thoughts with my wife. Oftentimes, I pray for her. Then the practical things that show love in action begin to come more readily, and with greater heartfelt emotion. This doesn't excuse not loving her when my heart isn't in it, it just provides a motivation to get my heart right with the Lord.

I'm not saying you don't do this BTW, I'm just giving my perspective.

When we love someone we are also interested in knowing them better all the time. I do that by spending time with her a lot, talking to her and actually listening to her. I take enjoyment from my relationship with her. This is the same way we love the Lord.

On the negative side:
Eschewing anything that would lead me astray from loving her. Not fantasizing or giving undue attention to other women (not only physically but emotionally as well).

The wonderful thing about biblical marriage is that you are totally secure in your relationship. You are free to love each until death do you part. I realize I am going to fail at loving my wife sometimes. But I am motivated to love her not out of fear, but because I am secure in the covenant that we made with each other in the sight of God. Sort of like a shadow of the covenant of grace. If we were not fallen we would love our wives perfectly, and our wives would perfectly submit. That is not the case obviously, but when we are saved we have the ability and the purpose to strive for that perfection.

 

[Andres]

what does it mean to love our wives? Does it mean giving them everything they want?

No, it doesn't mean giving them everything they want. Like James says, often times we ask amiss. We think we want/need things we don't. Give your wife what she needs - the gospel. Also a man's duties can be summed up in essentially three words - he is called to provide, protect, and lead. Do those faithfully and continue loving her sacrificially and you're good. Finally, I would add be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking, "well I rubbed her back, so she should rub my shoulders now" or "I cleaned the whole kitchen, so now she needs to clean the bathrooms". I'm not saying that your duties aren't to be shared, but rather your service to her should be without strings attached. You rub her back and clean the kitchen because you love her and it's an honor to serve her.

P.S. Good job young singles. You both seem to be on the right track.

 

[Stargazer65]

P.S. Good job young singles. You both seem to be on the right track.

Yes, I love to see young singles pursuing a biblical view of marriage, and desiring marriage as well. Too many neglect it.

 

[rookie]

So, it could be that today's Christians (I am not the exception) have bought into the secular world view of doing lots more for our wives than biblically instructed?

That to show our wives we love them we must do this, that, this that, this, that otherwise, we are portayed as tyrants that are trying to be the boss?

Now I don't think it helps the situation that my wife has OCD....severely, and I try to do as much as I can to alleviate her moods (not a pretty picture sometimes). And some of the statements she's told me, were outright humiliating....however, on the good days (there are more of those thankfully) she is plunged in the scriptures to learn more..

I am praying fervently for the both of us that we might be more faithful in fulfilling our distinctive roles.

If anyone else has more advice....I am reading!!!

Thank you to those whom have submitted so far.

 

[nasa30]

I would suggest a great book for you to read.

What He Must Be if He Wants to Marry My Daughter By Voddie Baucham

This is a fantastic book that shows what we are to be as husbands to our wives. I read it to prepare for evaluating suiters for my daughters and learned more about me and my deficiencies.

Dr. Baucham also has a message that is the condensed version of this book called "the 4 P's" that you can listen too as well.

 

[Pergamum]

I think the world would have us believe that, if we love our wives, we will split the housework 50-50 with them or take equal time in caring for babies. Thus, many Christian men try to become more like Mr Mom and start to resent their wives for having to deal with baby things or things totally out of their area of domain or gifting. I like a more traditional breakdown of duties (Like Pa and Carolyn Ingles on Little House)...

 

[deathtolife]

Read The Complete Husband-Lou Priolo . One of the best books on being a biblical husband. Answers so much. I am reading it right now. It is a practical theology book versus a self help.

 

[a mere housewife]

I agree that 50-50 is ridiculous. We aren't here to give by halves; and marriage especially, is the place where one gives all.

Ray, if your wife has OCD, she probably does need more nurturing in daily ways than a woman without such a crippling issue. A lot of fears are related to routine household tasks; and while it's helpful to face them, it is necessary to be able to do so in a very supportive environment, and at times in a much more limited way than at others (people go through phases with this). The culture does brainwash us to expect certain things as 'stereotypical' of love which are quite false, but patience and gentleness in correcting the cultural influences are probably especially needful in such a case. If it's any comfort, we all feel like failures when it comes to daily love. It is a form of death -- death to ourselves -- and we are none of us really up for that. But I'm sure your wife is impacted by all your sweet daily efforts more than she could ever express, or you could ever know.

Severe OCD is a heavy burden for both of you, and you will be in my prayers.

Here is something Martin Lloyd Jones said:

LIFE IN THE SPIRIT pp. 220-221
Martyn Lloyd-Jones Ephesians 5:18-6:9


And that brings us to the fourth point, which is the element of protection. Here is this body, it needs food, it needs exercise; but in addition every man has to learn to understand his own body. The Apostle works out the argument. The Apostle Peter, you remember, puts it like this. He tells the husband to remember that his wife is `the weaker vessel'. This means that these bodies of ours are subject to certain things. We are all different even in a physical sense. Some of us are subject, perhaps, to feeling the cold, or subject to chills in a way that does not seem to worry other men. Some of us are so constituted that we have these minor problems; and we are subject to odd infections and various other things that come to try us. What does a wise man do? He takes great care about such things; he puts on a heavy overcoat in winter, he may put on a scarf; and he refrains from doing certain things. He is protecting himself and his weak constitution against some of the hazards that come to meet us in life. `So ought men to love their wives'. Have you discovered that your wife has some peculiar temperamental weakness? Have you discovered that she has certain special characteristics ? Is she nervous and apprehensive; or is she too outspoken? It does not matter what it is in particular; she has certain characteristics which are, in a sense, weaknesses. What is your reaction to them? Are you irritated, or annoyed? And do you tend to condemn them and to dismiss them? Act as you do with your body, says the Apostle. Protect her against them, guard her against them. If your wife happens to have been born with that worrying temperament, well, save her from it, protect her. Do everything you can to safeguard her from the weaknesses and the infirmities and the frailties; as you do so for your body, do so for your wife.


Then, of course, there are great infections that come - a wave of influenza, fevers, things that kill people by the thousand. Corresponding things come also in the married life - trials, troubles, tribulations, which are going to test the marriage to the very limit.
What do we do about these? Once more, what do you do with your body when you get that kind of illness, when you get that attack of influenza with a raging temperature? The answer is that you put yourself to bed, with a hot-water bottle; and you put yourself on the appropriate diet, and so on. You do everything you can to treat the fever and to help your body to resist it. `So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies'. If there is some peculiar, exceptional trial or anxiety or problem, something that tests your wife to the uttermost, then, I say, the husband is to go out of his way to protect his wife and to help her and aid her. She is `the weaker vessel'.
That brings us to the last point. You try to protect your body against infections by having various inoculations. Apply all that to the married state. Do everything you can to build up the resistance, to prepare your wife to face the hazards of life. You have to build her up. Do not do everything yourself, as it were; but build her up so that she will be able to act also; so that if you are taken away by death she is not left stranded. We have to think out all these things in detail exactly as with the care of the body. And if an illness comes, take extra care, give the appropriate medicaments, go out of your way to do those extra things which will promote and produce the restoration of health and vigour and happiness.
We leave it at that. But, there, we have been looking at one big principle which is most important. A man has to love his wife `even as'- because she is - his own body. `No man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church'. `Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church'.

Also, just a note -- did you want this to be in a member's only forum? It's currently viewable on the main board.

 

[Hamalas]

I'm single as well, but so was Paul when he instructed the Ephesians about marriage. I would echo his words in urging you to look at how Christ functions as the husband of the Church as the basis for your own actions towards your wife. A close study the life of Christ (and of his on-going work) will make you a better husband (as Leah already mentioned.)

Another oldie, but goodie, on this topic is Richard Baxter's book "The Godly Home"