PB Proofreading service?...

[Zenas]

I know everyone out there has nothing better to do than proofread stuff for others.

With that fact established, would anyone be willing to proofread my resume and statement of interest? I'm about to start sending stuff off trying to find something that pays this summer and it would help if someone could offer a detached, 3rd party opinion.

 

[Mushroom]

Post it, brother... I'm sure you'll get plenty of helpful pointers here.

 

[Zenas]

Statement of Interest

I am a second year law student at the University of Memphis. I hope to pursue a legal career upon graduation in May 2010.

I have worked as a volunteer intern for Memphis Area Legal Services since May of 2008. While there, I have logged over 200 hours assisting the attorneys in the Consumer Law Unit. I have also recently coordinated with Legal Services and fellow students to set up an opportunity for myself and my peers to represent underprivileged clients in due process hearings.

I am interested in gaining experience in litigation, state and federal civil procedure, and courtroom practice. I feel that I can materially help your business while gaining practical experience, as I have been doing with Legal Services over the past year.

I have attached a brief resume. Please contact me with any further questions or to arrange a meeting.

(Signature information omitted)

 

[Scottish Lass]

"set up an opportunity for my peers and me to represent..."
The trick to remembering this one is to ask yourself how would you say it without the extra people: an opportunity for me to represent.

 

[smhbbag]

Statement of Interest

I am a second year law student at the University of Memphis. I hope to pursue a legal career upon graduation in May 2010.

I have worked as a volunteer intern for Memphis Area Legal Services since May of 2008. While there, I have logged over 200 hours assisting the attorneys in the Consumer Law Unit. I have also recently coordinated with Legal Services and fellow students to set up an opportunity for myself and my peers to represent underprivileged clients in due process hearings.

I am interested in gaining experience in litigation, state and federal civil procedure, and courtroom practice. I feel that I can materially help your business while gaining practical experience, as I have been doing with Legal Services over the past year.

I have attached a brief resume. Please contact me with any further questions or to arrange a meeting.

(Signature information omitted)

Only one criticism that, for me, is actually significant enough to keep me from evaluating the rest of the statement.

Too many sentences begin with, or use, "I." Believe it or not, many people find it terribly distracting.

Rearrange some sentence structure, combine a few, or put a different slant on the same concept in order to change it. Variety is the spice of life....and composition.

 

[fredtgreco]

Andrew,

If you email it all to me in an attachment, I'll go over it and get comments back to you.

 

[janimar]

The teacher in me agrees with so many sentences beginning in first person. Also the structure of some sentences makes them unclear. Strunk, White, Barzun and Zinnser all speak about keeping it simple and avoiding clutter.