Friends

[ValleyofVision]

Happy (almost) New Year fellow Puritan Brothers and Sisters!

I'm back with a thought that crossed my mind over the Holiday. Alright, so a little back story: my younger brother is 21 and one of his good friends from Church and Bible study is struggling with homosexuality. For better words, not struggling but, overcoming it by the grace of God. He strongly desires to obey the Lord and turn from his sin, and so far he claims he is on the right path. I was talking to my brother about it after he left and there was something that I disagreed with, which I'm wondering your opinion about.

My brother was saying that he hangs out with him pretty much all the time (along with other guys and girls, kind of like a group thing) but that sometimes they will hang out (at his house) really late at night, watch movies, do Bible studies, etc. I do know that his friend still gets tempted, by what he was saying to me over the Holiday weekend, and it made me question if my brother was doing the right thing by being with him alone... at night... hanging out? I feel a little um, silly, saying this because I'm not sure if I'm way off thinking this but, knowing that he is gay, couldn't he form an attraction to my brother being with him this much?

My brother and I discussed his beliefs which he believes homosexuality is a sin, but does not believe that he should stop treating him as a human being and just abandon their friendship. I completely agree! But... is there a boundary that should be set? Questions that should be asked as far as attraction goes for the friend?

 

[timfost]

I'll leave the specific advice to wiser men than me a but I want to offer the following:

1. Your brother's friend is not gay unless he's actually in rebellion against God and giving in to these desires. The temptation itself does not make one gay just as the temptation for a man to lust after women does not make him an adulterer. The narrative that popular culture wants to push is what you have assumed in your post, though I'm sure you won't have an issue with my point. We have to be very careful as Christians not to give into the popular doctrine that says that the inclination toward same sex attraction = homosexuality (the "it's who I am" mentality).

2. Since homosexual temptation is not an issue for your brother, the one on one time they spend is not equal to a man and woman with natural attractions spending one on one time, though admittedly special care should be involved.

 

[timfost]

1 Cor. 6:9-11a:

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you."

 

[Alan D. Strange]

I appreciate Tim's caveats/observations.

It sounds as if your brother is committed to a godly friendship with his struggling friend. Below I offer some thoughts about how this might be further cultivated. I assume here that the struggling man is getting all the proper counsel that he needs and that he faithfully uses the means of grace in public, private, and secret; I assume, in other words, that your brother is not an office-bearer, counselor or even accountability partner but just his believing friend.

If his struggling friend is successfully to resist temptation in this regard, he has to be able to interact properly with those of both sexes, particularly those of his own sex. Given the challenge of this, your brother needs to be able to speak openly with him and he with your brother.

Your brother should tell his struggling friend that it is important that their friendship remain godly and that if the struggling friend says or does anything inappropriate that this will necessarily impact the relationship and that your brother is open at any time to talk to him about any of this and that he wants to be sure to speak and act in ways that don't cause his struggling friend to stumble.

Then your brother needs to act wisely with all the necessary information in mind: perhaps he needs to go home earlier, spend less time with him alone, be more careful about what is watched, etc. This should not be done to punish the struggling friend in any way but to help him out (both of them, actually).

In all that he does, your brother should make it clear both that he cares for his struggling friend and seeks to encourage them both along in true love (that of God and neighbor) and in practical holiness.

Peace,
Alan

 

[Ryan&Amber2013]

Wow, I was in the same situation before I was married. My best friend had homosexual tendencies, but was devoted to the things of God.

He really was the best friend I've ever had, and I will always be grateful for him.

But yes, your brother must be very wise. It's not easy though. My friend actually did develop an emotional dependency on me, but never tried anything sexual or wrong. He knew I wouldn't tolerate any sin in our friendship, but at the same time, I saw some strange signs of emotional dependency. Even when I started dating my wife, I could tell jealousy started to form in him.

Thankfully though, he respected our friendship, and treated it honorably and biblically. He now serves in ministry helping homosexuals. I'm very proud of him, and don't regret that friendship at all.

In fact, I have often been commended by how I stayed a close friend to him when others wouldn't. This seemed to greatly help him in life.

Your brother is doing an honorable thing, but he must be careful in many ways.

 

[ValleyofVision]

1 Cor. 6:9-11a:

"Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you."

Would you mind elaborating on the last sentence of this verse that you bolder? Does this mean, the life before we knew Christ?

Thank you very much for your post.

 

[ValleyofVision]

I appreciate Tim's caveats/observations.

It sounds as if your brother is committed to a godly friendship with his struggling friend. Below I offer some thoughts about how this might be further cultivated. I assume here that the struggling man is getting all the proper counsel that he needs and that he faithfully uses the means of grace in public, private, and secret; I assume, in other words, that your brother is not an office-bearer, counselor or even accountability partner but just his believing friend.

If his struggling friend is successfully to resist temptation in this regard, he has to be able to interact properly with those of both sexes, particularly those of his own sex. Given the challenge of this, your brother needs to be able to speak openly with him and he with your brother.

Your brother should tell his struggling friend that it is important that their friendship remain godly and that if the struggling friend says or does anything inappropriate that this will necessarily impact the relationship and that your brother is open at any time to talk to him about any of this and that he wants to be sure to speak and act in ways that don't cause his struggling friend to stumble.

Then your brother needs to act wisely with all the necessary information in mind: perhaps he needs to go home earlier, spend less time with him alone, be more careful about what is watched, etc. This should not be done to punish the struggling friend in any way but to help him out (both of them, actually).

In all that he does, your brother should make it clear both that he cares for his struggling friend and seeks to encourage them both along in true love (that of God and neighbor) and in practical holiness.

Peace,
Alan

Thank you, Mr. Strange. I truly value your responses.

My brother has made it clear to his friend and he did tell me that his friend just purely enjoyed their friendship and bond. They really are such great friends, I guess just when he told me they hang out alone, my mind automatically sent some red flags.

 

[timfost]

Would you mind elaborating on the last sentence of this verse that you bolder? Does this mean, the life before we knew Christ?

Yes, the verse continues "but you were washed..." Even though the Corinthians had given in to these sins prior to conversion, they were to put away these things since they were not their own anymore, being redeemed by Christ's blood and their bodies temples of God (6:19-20).

For Paul to say "and such were some of you" is acknowledging that they are no longer these things, even though struggles and temptations are still present. There was still obvious sexual immorality in the Corinthian church, but Paul calls them to greater consistency in Christ by a) rebuking them for their tolerance of sexual immorality (5:2) and b) calling on them to appropriately discipline those who were living in blatant sexual immorality (5:1ff).

All this to say, someone is only an adulterer, or sexually immoral if they are practicing this lifestyle. The temptation alone does not make someone, for example, homosexual. I'm making this point and giving scriptural proof because of your statement "knowing that he is gay." Again, I don't think you would disagree with my point, but I believe that we really have to stay clear of the idea that someone is homosexual because their is temptation. What we are is not defined by what we struggle against. The world wants to say that someone is gay because it is who they are apart from what they practice. It leaves the person thinking that they can be nothing less than what they (presumably) are. This leads to a conflation between what someone struggles with and the sin they commit, leaving people without hope of overcoming the struggle.

If we are the thing we struggle against, we are all adulterous, thieves, idolators, etc. and we cannot inherit the kingdom of God.

Does that help?