Ok, I kept the biblical example out of it. Here is the article I'll be positng shortly. I want to believe that this is how Jesus is with me as well, but decided to just skip that idea in the post.
Teaching or Breaking?
This is the question I´ve been pondering for some time now. As we work with children and "œraise the bar", meaning we always try and work with them in a way that causes them to improve themselves in some (or many) ways, how do we control our desire for them to improve? Do we control it? Or, in our thirst for their betterment do we just "œlet loose" comfortable in the fact that we are doing what´s best for them?
I always try and think back to when I was a student in high school. Who were my teachers, and which ones made the biggest impact on me? I remember that I have a math teacher named "œMrs. Kline" who was a taskmaster. She insisted on near perfection and her class was so tightly run that many kids were afraid to ask to go to the bathroom. More kids than not scored well on her tests for fear of her reaction if you didn´t. You always had your homework done and you were always prepared to be called to the blackboard to show the class exactly what you did and how you did it. Most of Mrs. Kline´s students passed her math class.
I had an English teacher named Mr. Garnes who was very laid back. I often ate part of my lunch in his class just because I could (Lunch was before his class). The atmosphere was relaxed, he was very funny, and if you didn´t have your homework done he would tease you, but keep you after class to discuss why it wasn´t done and what needed to be done because of that. Some of Mr. Garnes students slacked and accomplished little.
As I look back at those two examples I ask myself several questions. First, who accomplished more for me in my high school career? Mrs. Kline or Mr. Garnes? While I consistently met her expectations I hated Mrs. Kline´s class and couldn´t wait to get out of it. I resented her methods and while I learned her material enough to keep her happy I wound up hating math and wanting nothing to do with it. While I tested Mr. Garnes on occasion with not getting assignments done by the deadline (because hey, he was cool!) or didn´t pay attention on occasion I learned so much more from him. My passion for reading and writing came from him and much of what you read here and hear on my podcasts is thanks to him and what he taught me.
Secondly, what´s more important, the here and now or the end result? As house parents and administrators we so often focus on the here and now. We want something we can measure immediately. We want to SEE SOMETHING! I find this a bit peculiar because most childcare staff will tell new staff that you cannot look for immediate rewards. I´ve so often heard the same story about having to wait ten or more years before hearing anything about how much you helped a child, yet these same people want to see immediate results from their efforts. Does this make sense? It does, because we´re looking at thing incorrectly. We make the mistake of thinking because a child has been "œbroken" they´ve learned something. My argument is that isn´t true. Allow me to elaborate.
While in high school anyone watching from the outside would have believed that Mrs. Kline produced more than Mr. Garnes. If they had simply singled me out they would have said that it was clear how much better she had done with me than he. You see Mrs. Kline broke me. I knew I had to meet her expectation or that 45 minutes would be hell. I was a good student in her class! Watching me with Mr. Garnes you would have been certain that I wasn´t taking his class as serious as one should. Why I was eating, laughing, and sometimes speaking out of turn causing Mr. Garnes to quiet me down with some sort of wisecrack that put me in my place. For immediate results, Mrs. Kline succeeded, of that there is no doubt, especially measurable results. Mr. Garnes succeeded as well, but his success wasn´t nearly as measurable, not to an outside person at least. But you see, Mr. Garnes TAUGHT me. With Mrs. Kline, I learned to meet her expectation or else. With Mr. Garnes I learned English, journalism, and to strive for my best. I wonder what Mr. Garnes would think of my website. I never think of Mrs. Kline, on for that matter math! My associate Mrs. Kline with everything I hate such as balancing a checkbook, doing my taxes, or paying my bills. I am terrible at most of these things, and while that may not be her fault, she certainly hasn´t helped me in those areas of my life. You see, I have Mrs. Kline in seventh grade math, ninth grade math, and eleventh grade math. All those years I did my work and scored acceptable grades. However, I hated every day in her class and resented her take no prisoners attitude no matter how much it FORCED me to do what she wanted and expected. I am ashamed to admit this as a thirty six year old man, but I couldn´t stand Mrs. Kline. I wanted to punch her in the face for her attitude and demands. Today, I hold no anger or ill will towards the woman, but I have not learned some "deep" or "œmeaningful" lesson from her teaching style. I am not a mathematical wiz today thanks to her sternness. Mrs. Kline received honors and awards from school administration, honors and awards that Mr. Garnes never received, but I, and many others learned much, much more from Mr. Garnes.
Lets apply this to our jobs as house parents if we can so I can try and make my point. My wife and I work with thirteen young ladies ages thirteen to nineteen. They are wonderful young ladies who, for the most part, do very, very well. I tell them all the time that I honestly believe they are the best girls on campus (yes, I DO believe that). As we go along I do try and push our girls to be even better, to improve even more. I believe however, that in doing this you have to be careful. A teen´s heart is built to rebel. It´s their nature. Raising adolescents into adult hood is a very tricky thing. They need to know that the rules must be followed and earn consequences when they are not, but I´m talking about children who do follow the rules and guidelines and you want to increase your expectations of them. How you go about doing such a thing is tricky business, and if not done correctly can ruin most or even all of the work you´ve done to get them where they are already.
The mistake most easily made is to give the message that you desire their success for YOU. What I mean is that the children have to always believe that you have their best interest at heart. They have to strive for themselves. Once teens get the idea that you want their success for your reward you´re in trouble. Teens do not respond well to manipulation once they have figured out this is what´s going on. Mrs. Kline demanded my best, but she demanded that for her own interest, for her own comfort, for her own merit. While she could always say it was for my good, it never really was. It was always about her. If you want to train or teach a child you have to honestly have their best interest at heart and never yours. Training a child is hard work, it´s difficult, and it takes time and devotion. So often Mr. Garnes was inconvenienced by us knuckleheads in his class but he would patiently redirect us and teach us why it was important to pay attention and learn his lessons. He made class fun but educational. Mr. Garnes held high expectations for us but understood that getting us there was going to take patience and the ability to relate to us as stupid teenagers! Mrs. Kline demanded we do any and everything she said until we were broken. Mrs. Kline got immediate results. Mr. Garnes got lifetime results. I don´t know about you, but I want lifetime results!
So what´s my bottom line here?
I am all for "œraising the bar", but not so we can better measure our success. I know that we need to try and measure staff success, I am not completely against that, it´s just that we need to be careful how we do it because children are watching and listening. If we want to "œpad our stats" children will figure that out and resent it. In the types of environments most of us work in that´s not good. Our kids come to us hurting and needy often with attitudes that we have to overcome and work with until lessons are learned and rules are met. If these children, especially the most difficult ones, believe that anything we do is for ourselves and not them, we will never reach them. We may be able to "œbreak" them but that´s not success, at least it´s not success for the CHILD and really isn´t that what we´re here for?
Lets TEACH them and not BREAK them. We can do this if we DON´T LIE TO KIDS!
