Relationship Building

[ReformedWretch]

Can it be taught?

I've been having a discussion with a co-worker who is convinced that you cannot teach staff how to build appropriate, strong, solid, effective, relationships with kids in their care. I'm always congratulated for my ability to do this in such a way that my kids are motivated, driven, and easily disciplined because of the relationship my wife and I have with them, but this person (and apparently many others) do not believe that what my wife and I have with our kids, can be taught-at all. Again, they are happy that we have it, but they think a staff person either has it, or they don't and it CANNOT be taught.

I'm working on my "official" response to this, but quickly what I feel right now is that if a facility/organization expects their staff to build relationships with their kids it makes it easier to teach them how to do so. However, if it is not expected, it cannot be taught.

Thoughts on this?

 

[turmeric]

I think it can be taught - but some are more naturally gifted than others. You can teach most children how to play the piano, but they'll not all be Chopin.

 

[ReformedWretch]

Thanks Meg!!

 

[Southern Presbyterian]

Adam, I don't know if this is exactly what you're looking for, but here's my .

I used to be a training manager for CVS Pharmacy, and our regional training manager used to say, [paraphrased] "We can teach our associates to do any job/task within this company. The only thing holding most of them back is their desire to do that particular job/task." I've found this to be true. People can and will learn to do whatever it is that they want to do. Ability and skills speak to how well they do it, not whether or not they can do it.

 

[ReformedWretch]

Sure-that helps with my thought process a lot actually. If a house parent seems that they "can't" build solid relationships with their students it just may be that they don't want to!

 

[Puritan Sailor]

Some people may be more naturally relational in their personality. But God commands us to be building healthy relationships, especially within the body of Christ. Which means he will give us sufficient grace to do that if we ask him and seek his Word.

 

[Ivan]

Adam, I don't know if this is exactly what you're looking for, but here's my .

I used to be a training manager for CVS Pharmacy, and our regional training manager used to say, [paraphrased] "We can teach our associates to do any job/task within this company. The only thing holding most of them back is their desire to do that particular job/task." I've found this to be true. People can and will learn to do whatever it is that they want to do. Ability and skills speak to how well they do it, not whether or not they can do it.

I have seen this played out time after time again at work. We have associates that want raises and promotions but are unwilling to learn the tasks necessary to move up. In my time at work I have said yes to every request to learn something new and have requested I be taught new things. It has served me well.

I don't care if it's task building or relationship building, if a person want to learn something they will find a way. However, I think we live in a society that is happy to be average, as long as they have their toys to play with. I believe that this has hugely affected our country in a negative manner.

 

[JBaldwin]

Ivan said:

I don't care if it's task building or relationship building, if a person want to learn something they will find a way. However, I think we live in a society that is happy to be average, as long as they have their toys to play with. I believe that this has hugely affected our country in a negative manner.

Good point! In building relationships one has to take so much into consideration: (not necessarily in order of importance) sin factor, personality, spiritual maturity, past experiences, age. It is much easier to "be an island" or hide in a hole than it is to deal with easy relationships let alone difficult ones. But there is great value in getting involved in "messy" lives. Jesus did it. We are commanded to do it.(love one another as I have loved you, Jesus said.)

 

[ReformedWretch]

Just to put a little more spin on this (in my line of works direction) can any of you imagine working successfully with kids if you have little to no ability to build relationships?

 

[JBaldwin]

Just to put a little more spin on this (in my line of works direction) can any of you imagine working successfully with kids if you have little to no ability to build relationships?

houseparent -

No I can't imagine even attempting to be in your line of work if are not gifted in this area. I suppose, by the grace of God, you could, but it would be difficult. God tends to place us in lines of work that are compatible with ours gifts and the calling. Even though I'm a mom, I struggled my way through my children's first 5 years, because I have practically no ability to relate to small children, but God gave me grace. I do find it so much easier to relate to them now that they are in the age bracket that in which I am more well-suited.

 

[cwjudyjr]

Another viewpoint...

Can it be taught?

I've been having a discussion with a co-worker who is convinced that you cannot teach staff how to build appropriate, strong, solid, effective, relationships with kids in their care. I'm always congratulated for my ability to do this in such a way that my kids are motivated, driven, and easily disciplined because of the relationship my wife and I have with them, but this person (and apparently many others) do not believe that what my wife and I have with our kids, can be taught-at all. Again, they are happy that we have it, but they think a staff person either has it, or they don't and it CANNOT be taught.

I'm working on my "official" response to this, but quickly what I feel right now is that if a facility/organization expects their staff to build relationships with their kids it makes it easier to teach them how to do so. However, if it is not expected, it cannot be taught.

Thoughts on this?

I am a principal of a middle school. In my experience the teacher and staff that build nuturing relationships with students reach them in ways that staff who may have better technical teaching skills can do. When both the technical and relational come together...watch out!, amazing things happen at many levels.

We can help people to improve on what to do and even how to do it. It is in the way they care to do it that the differences are made or not made. The actions must be heartfelt and sincere, otherwise doing the right things becomes less or much less effective.

In approaching this task, IMveryHO, lead those houseparents to understand the high privilege they are being given and the importance iof each child they are caring for and teach the the right things to do...praying all the time that the Holy Spirit will awaken in them to joy that is in the journey and eventually the successes with these young people. It will be a growing and moving experience as they see, and feel the changes that God will bring about. Sometimes slowly but always worth waiting for In my humble opinion.

Just this month I experienced this with a teacher who though technically a decent teacher of 10 years, made the realization that reaching students is "more art than science", her words not mine. We are seeing more engagement in learning as a result in a very short time.

This also applies to students working with students. We work very hard to help students see issues as issues and not personal afronts. I recently have seen two 8th grade boys who have significant challenges in their lives, and who do not handle opposition gracefully make great strides. They each became angry and about to explode while confronting each other in class on Friday. One walked away which in its self is a great victory, and headed to the counselor's area to cool down. The second boy followed and entered the area a minute or two later much to the concern of the adults there, as it looked like the second boy was ready to fight. He went up to the first young man and tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned around, the second young man said, " Look you are mad at me and I am mad at you. We need to forget it and get back to work." He then put out his hand aplogized and they shook. The first boy agreed orally. The second boy went back to class and a few minutes later the first boy returned as well. They finished their lessons and a great victory was enjoy. During a break we had an adult speak with each to commend them and make sure the issue wasn't stuffed, ready to come out again.

So yes relational skills can be taught to adults and kids alike. In closing, it really is the heart that drives the success of these skills.

Conrad

BTW, this was in a local pubic school.

 

[Ivan]

Just to put a little more spin on this (in my line of works direction) can any of you imagine working successfully with kids if you have little to no ability to build relationships?

If there are houseparents at your facility who do not have this ability tell us how they are doing.

 

[ReformedWretch]

Well, I don't want to slander anyone, but it's my pesonal experience that those who do not build relationships have little effect on the direction and success their kids have in the future. They may not always "cause" them to fail, but if there is success it is normally in spite of them.(Said to me by the kids themselves)

Again, that's from my personal experience. It works that way in real life parenting as well in my opinion. If you don't have a relationship with your children, how can that ever be a positive thing?

 

[turmeric]

Why would anyone work with kids who doesn't like them? I never understood that as a child either!

 

[ReformedWretch]

lol-seems simple I know, but many people who are not "relational" would not ever say that they don't "like" kids. They would say things like this

-I am tough on them so when they leave then can handle anything life throws a them.

-I am not here to like them, I am here to teach them!

-They need to learn to not need anyone so they can stand on their own.

Get the idea?

 

[Ivan]

It sounds to me that some houseparents are babysitters at best and maybe something worse.

You have a tough job, Adam. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you have a great ministry as a houseparent. That is something to consider as you seek God's guidance for your future. I'm sure that the gifts and talents you possess can be translated into a host of other ministries

God bless you, Adam!