What Are Your Thoughts On This?

[Ryan&Amber2013]

So how would you console or advise someone in this situation?

There's a young adult who is at an age where he is able to finally live on his own. His home life growing up was godless and very dark. His mom was an addict and put him through all kinds of horrible things his whole life because of her addiction. So now he's finally able to start life on his own and wants a disconnect from the brokenness of the family he grew up with, and has a newfound relationship with Christ. Life is new for him and exciting. He has new friends in the church and role models to look up to, and he is loving the freedom of being away from his old broken way of life and family.

But here's the tricky part. His mom now has an interest in the church, and will sometimes ask about going with him. But her life is still an addict life. She will show up to the church high, she fights with her other family members, she causes all sorts of trouble, that he just doesn't want to be a part of anymore. It's spoiling his newfound way of life, because he doesn't want to be a part of all that garbage he grew up with, and now it's kind of following him to the church.

And it's not really a matter of her cleaning up her life, then coming to the church. He has spent time with her talking to her about the gospel, and she has had numerous opportunities to repent and embrace Christ, but won't. But for some reason she has an interest in showing up at the church but is still living in her sinful way of life. He has recommended for her to try a different church, which she won't do, and will only want to go with the son. And the church is a non-denominational church where there is no real elder oversight or accountability.

As you can see, he has a sense of guilt because if his mom is unwilling to repent, he just doesn't want her to be involved in his life like that. It's too difficult for him. But at the same time he doesn't want to tell her she can't come to church with him.

 

[Theoretical]

It's spoiling his newfound way of life, because he doesn't want to be a part of all that garbage he grew up with, and now it's kind of following him to the church.

EDIT: The below is very likely bad advice given the intensity of the situation described.

I think it's something that's on the church to disciple her. For her son, it's a difficult position, but does highlight the difference between church as a social club and church as a challenging place of discipleship with a lot of difficult brothers and sisters. He probably was a hot mess when first coming to the church and a lot of people likely had to pour into him when he had nothing but trouble to give them. There's not really a good answer here when she's just an obnoxious attendee from his standpoint.

I've handled this own challenge poorly with my own family members who have just been normal but disagreed strongly with my theological convictions, so I can only state observations and regrets. For my part, there's been two aspects playing a role. One is fear of conflict I have to get involved in and the other is desire for church to be safe and comfortable for ME. One, both, or neither might be involved with him.

Rosaria Butterfield's Openness Unhindered has some interesting perspectives on Rosaria's relationship with her difficult, unbelieving until [edit]almost the[edit] end mother. [Edit] C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters also have some worthwhile observations to note in terms of the convert's perceptions of his mother vs. his new set.

 

[jwright82]

So how would you console or advise someone in this situation?

There's a young adult who is at an age where he is able to finally live on his own. His home life growing up was godless and very dark. His mom was an addict and put him through all kinds of horrible things his whole life because of her addiction. So now he's finally able to start life on his own and wants a disconnect from the brokenness of the family he grew up with, and has a newfound relationship with Christ. Life is new for him and exciting. He has new friends in the church and role models to look up to, and he is loving the freedom of being away from his old broken way of life and family.

But here's the tricky part. His mom now has an interest in the church, and will sometimes ask about going with him. But her life is still an addict life. She will show up to the church high, she fights with her other family members, she causes all sorts of trouble, that he just doesn't want to be a part of anymore. It's spoiling his newfound way of life, because he doesn't want to be a part of all that garbage he grew up with, and now it's kind of following him to the church.

And it's not really a matter of her cleaning up her life, then coming to the church. He has spent time with her talking to her about the gospel, and she has had numerous opportunities to repent and embrace Christ, but won't. But for some reason she has an interest in showing up at the church but is still living in her sinful way of life. He has recommended for her to try a different church, which she won't do, and will only want to go with the son. And the church is a non-denominational church where there is no real elder oversight or accountability.

As you can see, he has a sense of guilt because if his mom is unwilling to repent, he just doesn't want her to be involved in his life like that. It's too difficult for him. But at the same time he doesn't want to tell her she can't come to church with him.

I feel for your friend and will keep him in my prayers. I used to be an addict for many years and two of my brothers are/were addict's. One of them is dead (mental illness aggravated by drug and alcohol abuse led to him trying to hitch a ride on a train away from voluntary rehab that didn't turn out so well).
The other one is currently in the hospital for a massive infection in his lower back due to living the fentanyl life. May never walk right again, if at all but still wants to use.
My other two brothers both have their own little families going on, one's married to a wonderful girl and they have children but they go to a Catholic Church.
The other one is living with his girlfriend, who's wonderful also, and they have a little girl together and watch some TV evangelist on Sundays. Neither is on drugs or alcohol.
I don't say all that for sympathy but to point out that with my own years of addiction and having two brothers hopelessly lost to it, I have first hand experience in that life.
Number one I don't know this person or his mother but I do know addict's and this doesn't surprise me all that much. An addictive life style is expensive in the sense that you usually have to invest way more time and energy into surviving then the average person.
Does the Mom work at all, or what about the Dad? You didn't mention him, so I'm assuming some kind of government assistance for Mom and Dad's not in the picture, am I right? Could be wrong but that's what it sounds like.
The Mom is the problem here either way so I would say that this can be common for people in his shoes. It could be many reasons all rolled into one. Her love and desire for connection to her son is probably in their. I doubt that she would go through all this trouble just to ruin his good thing, addict's in general have more important things to do.
There's always the possibility that she like many addicts has a desire to feel normal. It's always amazing to me how addict's want the world to view them as "normal" without doing what is necessary to earn that because then they would have to quit the drugs.
Addict's also rely on people close to them to facilitate their addiction. Did/does the son play any part in her acquiring drugs in some way? Ride's to get said drugs, maybe money, or something else? Maybe or maybe not but if so then despite what other things I've said that could be a big reason too.
If an addict has a "good thing going" then the last thing they want is to lose that, too much work to get a new thing going.
My point is to understand what's actually going on is hard from the details you left us. It could be anything or all the above. But all of that aside the million dollars question is (for whatever is the reason for what's going on) what should your friend do in this situation?
Well addict's tend to be very bad with boundaries especially with loved ones and friends in general. They do and say boundary crossing things with strangers all the time but to a much lesser degree because they don't want problems, problems equals more work to get into the way of their goals and so they avoid them.
Now they do bring problems on themselves all the time like being high in public and/or stealing for instance. But in general they will respect boundaries with strangers long before they will respect that with loved ones because there's less problems, which equals easier time getting drugs.
So I would advise your friend to try to keep her from coming to Church with him, I know that's hard but I've personally had to cut ties with family and friends all these years just to stay sober. I know that's not what your friend is going through but only that I understand the weight of the decision.
Is he driving her there? I bet he is sometimes, again could be wrong but that's what I would guess, and that's the painful place to start unfortunately. But it would narrow down why she needs this relationship to continue. Unfortunately if he's not primarily giving her a ride then she is an adult and he can't stop her from showing up.
I could be completely wrong about everything I guessed above but I'm not wrong on some things, you'll have to fill in the blanks to correct me if you feel so inclined. Number one I'm sure she's getting something out of this relationship to help her get drugs, I just don't know what it is and I could be wrong but this would be a first time for an addict desperately trying to keep a relationship going they aren't getting anything out of for their addiction.
She could be fully self sufficient and only wants the mother/son relationship but it's a boundary thing that's his problem in any case. He needs to set up clear boundaries between himself and her.
He can't change her but I know she's getting something out of it, I just don't know what it is. But whatever it is that's where he needs to set the boundaries at.
You say he's living on his own but does he go to her for help at all or is he self sufficient? That could also be her angle to get what she wants, "I helped you with this so you need to help me with that".
Again I could completely be in the wrong about everything and could of shortened my response to "I'm a recovering drug addict and I have drug addicts for family but I need more information on the particulars of what's going on to give advice, could you describe it in more detail ". But I already wrote it out so sorry for that.
I need more information to give good advice but if you don't want to give it then that's fine but boundaries are the key either way.

 

[jwright82]

Also what drugs is she on? Where is she getting them? There's a big difference between a weed addict and a coke/pill/fentanyl addict. The two are not the same.
Weed's much easier to get and the mentality is slightly different. Plus the way you described the situation leads me to believe it's something heavier.

 

[Gforce9]

Ryan,
This is a difficult matter. I'm not an officer at your (his) church, but here is my :

There is a predictable, though not always understood psychology in addicts. Often, they want (need) control and she has likely lost much of that with his newfound trust in Jesus. This could be her move to be in a position of control again. Certainly, no Christian should want to keep the mother from hearing the gospel, but I would also hope the church would want to protect this young Christian man. Exactly how that gets worked out is better handled by the session that has charge over this young man. Hopefully, they can help him navigate a path between honoring his mom, while not standing directly in the path of a violent tornado.....

 

[Theoretical]

Certainly, no Christian should want to keep the mother from hearing the gospel, but I would also hope the church would want to protect this young Christian man. Exactly how that gets worked out is better handled by the session that has charge over this young man. Hopefully, they can help him navigate a path between honoring his mom, while not standing directly in the path of a violent tornado.....

I appreciate you and Jamie’s points. @Ryan&Amber2013 , I’ll leave my post up as an example of bad advice for an addict situation like this.

 

[Watson81]

1. If your friend is newly converted and as you said attending a non denomination church with no elder oversight the first order of importance is lovingly help him find a solid confessional church that preaches Christ.
2. This battle can only be won the same way every battle in Christianity is won, on his knees in prayer. Be willing to pray with him boldly before the throne room of grace knowing our loving High Priest hears and answers prayer. The best way he can honor his mother is as the widow relentlessly bothered the unjust judge he needs to continously bring his mother before the Lord of Glory.
For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him

 

[Gforce9]

I appreciate you and Jamie’s points. @Ryan&Amber2013 , I’ll leave my post up as an example of bad advice for an addict situation like this.

Scott,
I'm certainly not ready to dismiss your comment. None of us know the truth of this woman's motivations nor all the facts of the situation. We all would be exceedingly happy to see the Spirit unite this woman to the Lord Jesus, to heal the relationship with her son, and to grow them both into the image of the risen Christ. May it be so and may we be able to rejoice together.

 

[Theoretical]

Scott,
I'm certainly not ready to dismiss your comment. None of us know the truth of this woman's motivations nor all the facts of the situation. We all would be exceedingly happy to see the Spirit unite this woman to the Lord Jesus, to heal the relationship with her son, and to grow them both into the image of the risen Christ. May it be so and may we be able to rejoice together.

Thanks. I guess what I mean is that mine really, really underestimates the addiction stuff and how much it might be trying to drag the new brother back into it that both you and Jamie spotted early. Perhaps the better way to put it is that mine may be more like the optimistic scenario. But again, none of us are his elders or older wise laypeople in this particular man's congregation.

 

[Edward]

His mom now has an interest in the church

There are a lot of churches in your metro area. The church should pray for the mother and steer her to another church. The elders need to show a great deal of discernment in evaluating her motivations.

 

[Ed Walsh]

As you can see, he has a sense of guilt because if his mom is unwilling to repent, he just doesn't want her to be involved in his life like that. It's too difficult for him. But at the same time he doesn't want to tell her she can't come to church with him.

Ryan,

I want to tell a story. A story similar to this one, except for the wildly divergent outcomes.

Oh, I forgot to tell you. The story is about me.

~~~~~~~​

I'll start at 10 years old. I wouldn't want to bore you with years 1 to 10.
I hated my father. My mother was a drunk and died at 39, and my dad was a depressed and hurtful fellow. I don't know how else to put it.

But in process of time, while things were worse and worse between me and my father, the Lord, apart from my family, had mercy on me and brought me to Faith in Jesus Christ who I love and try to serve to this day.

I was 20 years old when the Lord regenerated me. And oh what a wild ride it was for a couple years.

Here's the bottom line. I left out scores of details that were not necessary. But then there was a miracle. The very day I became a Christian my whole attitude toward my father changed to one of love and concern. I spent the next four or five, years until he died loving him and trying to lead him to Christ. I guess I was transformed. Because there was no change I could see in my dad.

When my dad came down with lung cancer, he never smoked in his life, I got more involved than ever. I had, of course, in this story a wicked stepmother. You ain't lived till you've had one of them.

When my dad was in the hospital dying, I would come to visit him at 2:00 and 3:00 a.m. because my wicked stepmother forbid me to see him. I loved him until he died.

~~~~~~~​

I don't know if this little story helped in any way but I suggest there is a better way if the Lord be merciful and granted to have it be more like my experience.

Good night,

Ed