Cheesy Theological Jokes

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JTB.SDG

Puritan Board Junior
A man was on a plane and very deep in thought, gazing out the window and pondering over the glories of the doctrines of grace, the vast importance of reformed theology, and his deep, personal convictions about baptism. When the stewardess came with the meal tray and she asked, "Sir, are you a vegetarian?" He boldly testified, "No! I am a Presbyterian!"

Got this from one of our brothers in Asia.

Any others to contribute?
 

Brett

Puritan Board Freshman
A Reformed Christian was stranded on a deserted island for a long time. When finally rescued by a passing steamer, the crew asked "If you've been here alone why are there three buildings on the island?" The first was his home, he told them. The second was his church, which, he mentioned, he loved and was an enthusiastic member thereof. When they asked about the third building on the island, he said with a grimace "oh, that's the church I used to go to."
 

Stephen L Smith

Moderator
Staff member
My father used to teach a Bible lesson in a New Zealand School. One lesson was on Christ's crucifixion. After the lesson Dad got the children to draw a picture of something they had learned in the Bible lesson. One boy drew a picture of an airplane. When Dad asked him why, he replied 'you were talking about Pilot' (Pilate) :)
 

Jack K

Puritan Board Professor
A cheesy theological joke? Sure, I can do that.

Why do those who are sanctified eat Swiss cheese?
Because it's holey.
 

convicted1

Puritan Board Freshman
A Reformed Baptist, Presbyterian and a rabbit walked into a bar. The bartender looks at the rabbit and the rabbit quickly replied, "Hey, I'm only here due to autocorrect."
 

TylerRay

Puritan Board Graduate
Three indisputable truths:
1. The Jews don't recognize Christ as the Messiah.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the church.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
 

Andrew35

Puritan Board Sophomore
Three indisputable truths:
1. The Jews don't recognize Christ as the Messiah.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the church.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
Reminds me of that oldie, "Why should you always take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?"

Answer: "If you bring one Baptist, he'll drink all your beer; if you bring two, they won't drink any."
 

jckdymond55

Puritan Board Freshman
What did the Calvinist say when he fell down the stairs?

He cried out for help, because fallen people can't save themselves.

and...


A Baptist and a Methodist were riding out together, just prior to a
storm. The Baptist suggested they should drive faster.
The latter replied, "Why, brother, are you afraid of water?"
"Oh, no," said the Baptist, "I am not afraid of the water, it's the
sprinkling I wish to avoid."
 

Wretched Man

Puritan Board Freshman
Santa Claus recently converted to calvinism. Effective immediately, all children are now on the naughty list.

 

C. M. Sheffield

Puritan Board Senior
Warning: Corny pick-up line...

EuNn-AlXYAQlAjZ
 

LadyCalvinist

Puritan Board Junior
A 5 yr old girl was sitting in a Sunday School class and that day the pastor taught the lesson. When the girl's mother asked her what he taught she said, "Don't worry you'll get your blanket." Puzzled the mother went to the pastor and asked him. He replied, "The Comforter has come."
 

JTB.SDG

Puritan Board Junior
Or perhaps: Is your name Rebekah? Because you are simply to die for!

But I guess she would have to understand the Hebrew for that one, so maybe not so much...
 

dhh712

Puritan Board Freshman
Oh, I'd forgotten about this one, I think my husband told me it. (Though with universalism making inroads into the mainline churches, it may have made more sense a few decades ago. And I forgot exactly how it starts out so I made that part up).

So St. Peter was ushering in a new group of believers into an elevator to go to the top floor to meet God. All the people there are talking to each other and telling each other what great things the Lord had done in their lives so it gets to be kind of noisy. As they approach one of the floors, St. Peter turns to the crowd and says in a hushed voice, "Shhh, we've got to be quiet when we pass this floor--this is where the Presbyterians are. They think they're the only ones here."
 

Andrew35

Puritan Board Sophomore
A pastor was visiting a dear, elderly woman from his church who had just gone into her kitchen to make him some tea. It was getting toward lunchtime and the pastor was hungry and the old lady was taking a while, so he began eating peanuts from a bowl on the table beside the sofa. Soon, to his embarrassment, he found he'd eaten them all.

When the little old lady returned with the tea, he apologized. "I'm sorry, your peanuts were so good I ate them all."

"Oh, that's alright, pastor," the old lady sweetly replied. "Truth be told, I can't eat peanuts. They're hard for me to digest. I just like to suck the chocolate off them."
 
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JTB.SDG

Puritan Board Junior
My dad likes this one as a former politican: There was a pastor and a congressman who arrived at the pearly gates at the same time, so Peter took both of them on a tour together. He showed the pastor to his room--small, rugged, tight-quarters, a little bit like a cell; but when they got to the place the congressman was staying, it was a lavish apartment with an amazing view. The pastor complained: St. Peter, I've been serving the Lord my whole life; why is it that this is what I get, yet you've put this politican up in one of the best places available? Peter answered: Well, the thing is, we have lots of pastors here but this is the first politician to step foot in this place!
 

Jack K

Puritan Board Professor
My dad likes this one as a former politican: There was a pastor and a congressman who arrived at the pearly gates at the same time, so Peter took both of them on a tour together. He showed the pastor to his room--small, rugged, tight-quarters, a little bit like a cell; but when they got to the place the congressman was staying, it was a lavish apartment with an amazing view. The pastor complained: St. Peter, I've been serving the Lord my whole life; why is it that this is what I get, yet you've put this politican up in one of the best places available? Peter answered: Well, the thing is, we have lots of pastors here but this is the first politician to step foot in this place!
I've heard it as a pastor and a New York cab driver. When the pastor complains that his accommodations in heaven are sparse compared to the cab driver's, Peter replies, "We go by results. Whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed."
 

LadyCalvinist

Puritan Board Junior
I heard this one from a book Dick Van Dyke wrote many years ago. He was a member of the Reformed Church of America. Anyway, the story goes like this. A Catholic family friendly with their neighbors who were Protestant. The two families went to park with a pond in it. A little girl decides to take all her clothes off and jump into the pond. A little boy looked at her and said, "I didn't know there was that much difference between Protestants and Catholics."
 
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