Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
Freudian slip here my friend?
Good eye, my friend, good eye!But Freud? See, there's that integrationist stuff creeping in again!
Jokes about other denominations...?
- Thread starter PresbyDane
- Start date
- Status
Good eye, my friend, good eye!But Freud? See, there's that integrationist stuff creeping in again!
No Longer A Libertine
Puritan Board Senior
You obviously haven't been reading the New york blogs and the fantasies some misguided member of the Obama cult haveFreudian slip here my friend?
But Freud? See, there's that integrationist stuff creeping in again!
PresbyDane
Puritanboard Doctor
Rich Koster
Puritan Board Post-Graduate
A Rabbi gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you Rabbi. The next day the barber comes to work and finds a bottle of Mogen-David wine by the door.
Next a Catholic Priest gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you Father. The next day the barber comes to work and finds a bottle of Eastern Monastery wine by the door.
Next a Televangelist gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you preacher. The next day the barber comes to work and finds 10 Televangelists waiting at the door.
Next a Catholic Priest gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you Father. The next day the barber comes to work and finds a bottle of Eastern Monastery wine by the door.
Next a Televangelist gets a haircut. When done he asks the barber "how much"? The barber says nothing for you preacher. The next day the barber comes to work and finds 10 Televangelists waiting at the door.
PresbyDane
Puritanboard Doctor
I do not know
discipulo
Puritan Board Junior
In a time of crisis, a Baptist Pastor was getting a very low salary, when he sees an advertisement asking for people to help on the local Circus.
He went there and they asked him to be disguised as a monkey and walk around to give some atmosphere.
Rather humiliating he thought, but at least nobody recognizes me.
He was wondering around in the Circus area in his monkey costume, when he makes the wrong turn and enters an open cage, suddenly he sees a Lion.
I’m going to die, he thinks, he falls on his knees and starts praying out loud.
Suddenly hears the Lion saying:
Brother don’t worry, it’s me the Nazarene Pastor.
He went there and they asked him to be disguised as a monkey and walk around to give some atmosphere.
Rather humiliating he thought, but at least nobody recognizes me.
He was wondering around in the Circus area in his monkey costume, when he makes the wrong turn and enters an open cage, suddenly he sees a Lion.
I’m going to die, he thinks, he falls on his knees and starts praying out loud.
Suddenly hears the Lion saying:
Brother don’t worry, it’s me the Nazarene Pastor.
Athaleyah
Puritan Board Sophomore
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
Theognome
Burrito Bill
reformed trucker
Puritan Board Sophomore
steven-nemes
Puritan Board Sophomore
Question: What's the great thing about being an Episcopalian?
Answer: Being an Episcopalian never interferes with your politics. (...OR your religion! )
-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:03:59 EST-----
Why are Unitarian Universalists such lousy hymn singers? They are reading ahead to see if they agree with the next line.
Answer: Being an Episcopalian never interferes with your politics. (...OR your religion! )
-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:03:59 EST-----
Why are Unitarian Universalists such lousy hymn singers? They are reading ahead to see if they agree with the next line.
Michael Doyle
Puritan Board Junior
Rich Koster
Puritan Board Post-Graduate
In a restaurant, a bunch of old pastors were bragging about their accomplishments over the years. A man dressed in a turban and shabby denims comes over to them and tells them "I got more Christians to pray than all of you combined". Rather indignantly the elder of them asks him " OH and what did YOU do to accomplish that?" He said " I drove a cab in New York City for 20 years".
Michael Doyle
Puritan Board Junior
Things you never hear in church..............
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!
-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:35:47 EST-----
Top 10 Reasons You Know You're a Baptist:
1. Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
2.when someone asks you what you would be if you weren't a Baptist, you say "I'd be ashamed!!!".
3. you are very sure that the so-called "wine" in the Bible was unfermented grape juice.
4. You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.
5. you think sword drills have something to do with the Bible and not with fencing.
6. You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
7. You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
8. you consider fried chicken to be the gospel bird.
9. yours is the oldest and most Biblical denomination of all, after all, it was founded by John the Baptist.
10. You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!
-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:35:47 EST-----
Top 10 Reasons You Know You're a Baptist:
1. Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
2.when someone asks you what you would be if you weren't a Baptist, you say "I'd be ashamed!!!".
3. you are very sure that the so-called "wine" in the Bible was unfermented grape juice.
4. You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.
5. you think sword drills have something to do with the Bible and not with fencing.
6. You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
7. You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
8. you consider fried chicken to be the gospel bird.
9. yours is the oldest and most Biblical denomination of all, after all, it was founded by John the Baptist.
10. You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.
Presbyterian Deacon
Puritan Board Graduate
kalawine
Puritan Board Junior
Michael Doyle
Puritan Board Junior
You might be a southern baptist if...
- You think John the Baptist started the SBC.
- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You think worship music has to be loud.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You judge the quality of a service by its length.
- You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.
- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.
- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.
- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus
- You think John the Baptist started the SBC.
- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You think worship music has to be loud.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You judge the quality of a service by its length.
- You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.
- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.
- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.
- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus
Theognome
Burrito Bill
He was definately a Baptist. When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
Clean Christian Jokes
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Theognome
-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:57:33 EST-----
Last year, the International Association of Scientists gathered in Geneva. Their topic of discussion- Does mankind need God?
After two days of debate, the council came to a resolution that mankind no longer needs God. A decision was made to send five of the most celebrated scientific thinkers of the modern world to the gates of heaven to inform God of their findings. And so, resolution in hand, the men said to God...
"God, mankind no longer needs you. We have evolved to a state of perfection and knowledge that demands we accept our superiority. Consider this: We can fly through the skies and even plow the reaches of space. We can travel well beyond the speed of sound and can intelligibly communicate at the speed of light. We can create machines that can think on their own and furthermore, we can even engineer life itself through genetics. In fact, we can prove to you that we no longer need you. You make a man, and we'll make a man- and whoever mans the best man, wins."
With a snicker God replied, "Okay boys, you go first."
And so the scientists began to gather some dirt for base material, but suddenly God slapped their hand away, "Sorry boys," God declared, "You'll have to get your own dirt."
Theognome
Clean Christian Jokes
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Theognome
-----Added 2/19/2009 at 09:57:33 EST-----
Last year, the International Association of Scientists gathered in Geneva. Their topic of discussion- Does mankind need God?
After two days of debate, the council came to a resolution that mankind no longer needs God. A decision was made to send five of the most celebrated scientific thinkers of the modern world to the gates of heaven to inform God of their findings. And so, resolution in hand, the men said to God...
"God, mankind no longer needs you. We have evolved to a state of perfection and knowledge that demands we accept our superiority. Consider this: We can fly through the skies and even plow the reaches of space. We can travel well beyond the speed of sound and can intelligibly communicate at the speed of light. We can create machines that can think on their own and furthermore, we can even engineer life itself through genetics. In fact, we can prove to you that we no longer need you. You make a man, and we'll make a man- and whoever mans the best man, wins."
With a snicker God replied, "Okay boys, you go first."
And so the scientists began to gather some dirt for base material, but suddenly God slapped their hand away, "Sorry boys," God declared, "You'll have to get your own dirt."
Theognome
A.J.
Puritan Board Junior
You can find lots of jokes about fundamentalist doctrines and practices here: Stuff Fundies Like
HT: Bob Hayton of Fundamentally Reformed
HT: Bob Hayton of Fundamentally Reformed
kalawine
Puritan Board Junior
The pastor of a poor Baptist church passed away and the congregation
went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.
They stopped at the door of a local Presbyterian pastor and asked, "Would you give $5 to bury a Baptist preacher?"
Then he excitedly reached into his pocket, pulled out some money and exclaimed, "Here's $10. Bury two of them!"
went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.
They stopped at the door of a local Presbyterian pastor and asked, "Would you give $5 to bury a Baptist preacher?"
Then he excitedly reached into his pocket, pulled out some money and exclaimed, "Here's $10. Bury two of them!"
ColdSilverMoon
Puritan Board Senior
Here's the inevitable light bulb joke: (I like the Unitarian version)
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one because any more would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.
How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one to offer a toast to the old light bulb.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back at their next meeting.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One man to change bulb & four wives to tell him how to do it.
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
300. 12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee, which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the House Committee, which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee, which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation. After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all.
From here.
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one because any more would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.
How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one to offer a toast to the old light bulb.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back at their next meeting.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One man to change bulb & four wives to tell him how to do it.
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
300. 12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee, which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the House Committee, which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee, which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation. After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all.
From here.
Theognome
Burrito Bill
Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."
"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Theognome
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."
"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Theognome
kvanlaan
Puritan Board Doctor
A Dutch Reformed man is shipwrecked on an island. When he is picked up twenty years later, the crew of the rescue vessel see three buildings on the shore and inquire as to their use.
"Well," says Douwe, "that one is my house, the second one is my church, and the third one is the church I used to go to."
"Well," says Douwe, "that one is my house, the second one is my church, and the third one is the church I used to go to."
A.J.
Puritan Board Junior
Glossary
Terms to know when reading about Baptist fundamentalists:
(This list is a work in progress and will be expanded as the author finds time. Feel free to submit your own definitions via the comments section.)
Amen!
- The proper response to the query “And all God’s people said?”
Bud-dumber
- A clever play on words that combines “Budwiser” and “dumber.” Fundies are full of these little gems.
Compromiser
- One of the worst insults a fundamentalist can muster. In the insult taxonomy it falls about one level below “Democrat” and two levels above “liberal.”
Fightin’
- A fundamentalist’s favorite self-descriptor adjective.
Horses
- What you can’t contend with after the footmen tire thee.
Hyper-Calvinist
– A person who believes one more point of TULIP than I do.
Managawd
- A fundamentalist pastor. Especially those who fancy themselves to be modeled after the Old Testament prophets.
Movie House
- A sinful, godless movie theater where movies from Hollyweird (or perhaps Hellywood) are shamelessly displayed.
Rock Music
– Any music where the beat is not on the first and third note. The only exception to this rule Southern Gospel.
Sacred Desk
– A pulpit.
Standards
- The things that I do that and you don’t do because you’re a compromising liberal Democrat. Includes everything from hair length to radio station presets.
Wine
-Welch’s Grape Juice
Terms to know when reading about Baptist fundamentalists:
(This list is a work in progress and will be expanded as the author finds time. Feel free to submit your own definitions via the comments section.)
Amen!
- The proper response to the query “And all God’s people said?”
Bud-dumber
- A clever play on words that combines “Budwiser” and “dumber.” Fundies are full of these little gems.
Compromiser
- One of the worst insults a fundamentalist can muster. In the insult taxonomy it falls about one level below “Democrat” and two levels above “liberal.”
Fightin’
- A fundamentalist’s favorite self-descriptor adjective.
Horses
- What you can’t contend with after the footmen tire thee.
Hyper-Calvinist
– A person who believes one more point of TULIP than I do.
Managawd
- A fundamentalist pastor. Especially those who fancy themselves to be modeled after the Old Testament prophets.
Movie House
- A sinful, godless movie theater where movies from Hollyweird (or perhaps Hellywood) are shamelessly displayed.
Rock Music
– Any music where the beat is not on the first and third note. The only exception to this rule Southern Gospel.
Sacred Desk
– A pulpit.
Standards
- The things that I do that and you don’t do because you’re a compromising liberal Democrat. Includes everything from hair length to radio station presets.
Wine
-Welch’s Grape Juice
* From Stuff Fundies Like
-----Added 2/19/2009 at 11:07:43 EST-----
link: Calvinistic Cartoons: Mass Confusion
link: Calvinistic Cartoons: Church Discipline
* See more jokes from Calvinistic Cartoons
Last edited:
nicnap
Puritan Board Post-Graduate
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school all by himself when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first few days, but one day he came home and asked if he could walk by himself. He wanted to be like the "big boys."
Not wanting to disappoint him, she decided to allow him to walk without her, via plan B (which consisted of recruiting a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to repetitiously follow him to school, at a distance far enough behind him that he would not likely notice he was being followed, but close enough to keep a watch on him).
Mrs. Goodnest was agreeable, since she was up early with her own toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. So, the very next school day Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out to follow behind Timmy as he walked to school. Timmy was accompanied by another neighbor boy he knew.
As the boys walked to school each day, chatting, and kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy began to notice that a lady seemed to be following them every day.
"Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" he asked Timmy.
"Yea, I know who she is," Timmy replied
"Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the is she? Why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "Every night Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm in my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it the Psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
Not wanting to disappoint him, she decided to allow him to walk without her, via plan B (which consisted of recruiting a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to repetitiously follow him to school, at a distance far enough behind him that he would not likely notice he was being followed, but close enough to keep a watch on him).
Mrs. Goodnest was agreeable, since she was up early with her own toddler anyway, and it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. So, the very next school day Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out to follow behind Timmy as he walked to school. Timmy was accompanied by another neighbor boy he knew.
As the boys walked to school each day, chatting, and kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy began to notice that a lady seemed to be following them every day.
"Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" he asked Timmy.
"Yea, I know who she is," Timmy replied
"Well who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.
"Shirley Goodnest? Who the is she? Why is she following us?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "Every night Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm in my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it the Psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
Rangerus
Puritan Board Junior
21st Century Calvinist
Puritan Board Junior
10 REASONS WHY I AM A CALVINIST
1. Calvinists tend to wear wool and cotton. Dispensationalists tend to wear lime-green polyester leisure suits.
2. John Calvin was French...being French is very chic.
3. Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein...and his clothes are very chic.
4. Calvinists can drink.
5. Calvinists can smoke.
6. Dispensationalists are into prophecy conferences where they talk about Star-Trek eschatology and the mark of the Beast. Calvinists have conferences on "life and culture", art, social justice, and other high- brow things like that. Afterwards, we go to the local pub and talk about philosophy over a pint of Bass ale.
7. Calvinists have close ties with Scotland and Scotland is very cool: you know --Sean Connery, the movie Highlander, Bagpipes, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenlivet 18 year old Scotch, the movie Train Spotting, Brave Heart, etc.
8. Calvinists think we are smarter than anybody else.
9. It is more socially acceptable to say, "I go to Grace Presbyterian Church" than to say, "I go to Washed In The Blood Worship Center", "I go to Sonlife Charismatic Believers Assembly", or to say "I go to Boston Berean Bible Believing Baptist Bethel", or to say "I go to the Latter-Day- Rain Deliverance Tabernacle Prophecy Center, Inc.", or to say "I go to the Philadelphia Church of the Majority Text", or to say "I go to the Lithuanian Apostolic Orthodox Autocephalic Church of the Baltic union of 1838".
10. Ultimately, I am a Calvinist because I had no choice in the matter.
Found this one at JollyBlogger.
1. Calvinists tend to wear wool and cotton. Dispensationalists tend to wear lime-green polyester leisure suits.
2. John Calvin was French...being French is very chic.
3. Calvin sounds like Calvin Klein...and his clothes are very chic.
4. Calvinists can drink.
5. Calvinists can smoke.
6. Dispensationalists are into prophecy conferences where they talk about Star-Trek eschatology and the mark of the Beast. Calvinists have conferences on "life and culture", art, social justice, and other high- brow things like that. Afterwards, we go to the local pub and talk about philosophy over a pint of Bass ale.
7. Calvinists have close ties with Scotland and Scotland is very cool: you know --Sean Connery, the movie Highlander, Bagpipes, the Loch Ness Monster, Glenlivet 18 year old Scotch, the movie Train Spotting, Brave Heart, etc.
8. Calvinists think we are smarter than anybody else.
9. It is more socially acceptable to say, "I go to Grace Presbyterian Church" than to say, "I go to Washed In The Blood Worship Center", "I go to Sonlife Charismatic Believers Assembly", or to say "I go to Boston Berean Bible Believing Baptist Bethel", or to say "I go to the Latter-Day- Rain Deliverance Tabernacle Prophecy Center, Inc.", or to say "I go to the Philadelphia Church of the Majority Text", or to say "I go to the Lithuanian Apostolic Orthodox Autocephalic Church of the Baltic union of 1838".
10. Ultimately, I am a Calvinist because I had no choice in the matter.
Found this one at JollyBlogger.
Ask Mr. Religion
Flatly Unflappable
Top 10 Reasons I am a Calvinist
<someone beat me to this one -- see above>
-----Added 2/20/2009 at 12:59:37 EST-----
Calvinists are not the only ones who have a flower (TULIP). Arminians do as well...the Daisy....he loves me, he love me not, he loves me, loves me not....
-----Added 2/20/2009 at 01:01:21 EST-----
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. (Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.)
-----Added 2/20/2009 at 01:04:58 EST-----
It is not a denomination joke, but one of my most effective and funny illustrations:
A Christian hunter is hunting bears in the woods. While walking up a hill he grabs a branch for leverage and it breaks sending the hunter tumbling down the hill, gun flying off elsewhere. When the hunter dusts himself off he sees a huge bear charging him. The hunter begins running, but trips and falls, landing on his knees. Seizing the opportunity, and being a good Christian, the hunter begins to pray, "Lord, make this bear a Christian."
The woods are quiet, the hunter turns and, Hallelujah! He sees the bear on his knees, paws together, praying! But listening, he hears the bear praying, "Father, bless this food to my body."
The key message here is that God answers prayers of the righteous, but the answer you get may not be the answer you want, but it will always be the right answer.
<someone beat me to this one -- see above>
-----Added 2/20/2009 at 12:59:37 EST-----
Calvinists are not the only ones who have a flower (TULIP). Arminians do as well...the Daisy....he loves me, he love me not, he loves me, loves me not....
-----Added 2/20/2009 at 01:01:21 EST-----
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. (Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.)
-----Added 2/20/2009 at 01:04:58 EST-----
It is not a denomination joke, but one of my most effective and funny illustrations:
A Christian hunter is hunting bears in the woods. While walking up a hill he grabs a branch for leverage and it breaks sending the hunter tumbling down the hill, gun flying off elsewhere. When the hunter dusts himself off he sees a huge bear charging him. The hunter begins running, but trips and falls, landing on his knees. Seizing the opportunity, and being a good Christian, the hunter begins to pray, "Lord, make this bear a Christian."
The woods are quiet, the hunter turns and, Hallelujah! He sees the bear on his knees, paws together, praying! But listening, he hears the bear praying, "Father, bless this food to my body."
The key message here is that God answers prayers of the righteous, but the answer you get may not be the answer you want, but it will always be the right answer.
- Status
