Hello
@lifelong_sinner,
You said (in post #110), "I dont see how a just God can show mercy. He must give to each what they deserve." And that He does! He did not show Christ mercy, but rather the full extent of His wrath. The wrath due to wicked lifelong sinners who would trust Christ as their sin-bearer, that wrath was exhausted upon Him, and no more is left for us who cleave to Him – cleave to Him so as to unite with Him – "baptized into his death.... Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life." (Rom 6:3,4)
God gave to Christ what all trusting sinners deserve, without a spec of mercy. God's perfect and full justice was manifest in this. The sin-bearer rose again from the dead, and ascended into Heaven, God having accepted His substitutionary atoning sacrifice in our behalves. He has no wrath for Christ now, as Christ never sinned; God has no wrath now for sinners who by faith are in Christ, for that wrath was received and our debt paid in full. Now He can show mercy to whomever He will by virtue of their pleading His merits.
Do you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus (that He is the Lord of glory manifest in the flesh), and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead? Then you shall be saved. For with your heart you believe unto receiving justifying righteousness; and with your mouth your confession is made – is efficacious – unto salvation in the eyes of God and His angels. (Romans 10:9,10).
Every single creature (you included) is manifest in his sight – and all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do, and He hears your heart and words. If you come to Him now, He will not cast you out (John 6:37), but will receive you with gladness. The gospel is about how He can be both supremely just
and merciful to the likes of us. He says to you – if you will receive it – "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (Matt 11:28).
A number of us here will be praying for you.