Tyler,
I thought it was pretty interesting. I appreciated the alternate rendering of the latter portion of v1, and to know how the LXX and Vulgate gave it forth. The Masoretes weren't inspired (but they do represent a valuable segment of the history of interpretation).
I would strongly suggest you go back and edit what you wrote, because some of it is quite disjointed. You have also stuck various Scripture portions together in such a way as to either confuse the text, or it is not apparent what you are doing, for instance running the first line of v1 together with vv5-7, with no break. Perhaps you mean to juxtapose them, for the reader's benefit. But unless he has his Bible open, he will either think the words actually run together, or he will be unclear as to why he is asked to read v1a, v5, etc.
You might also check various translations, for instance, the NKJV renders v5 pretty much as you have it "alternatively" rendered, "Although my house is not so with God..." So, not all modern translations have a supposed interrogative there.
Just some thoughts.
