PresbyDane
Puritanboard Doctor
If you have any please write them here.
I am trying to start aome action here....
I am trying to start aome action here....
Jokes about other denominations...?
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Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Theognome
Burrito Bill
On the act of thinking...
Protestantism: It's the thought that counts.
Taoism: You are what you think.
Catholicism: Stop thinking those thoughts!
Judaism: You should have thought of that before.
Atheism: It's not a thought- it's an idea.
TV Evangelism: Don't think- have faith.
Buddhism: Think a god thought.
Zen Buddhism: It's not the thinking that counts.
Hinduism: I've had that thought before.
Theognome
Protestantism: It's the thought that counts.
Taoism: You are what you think.
Catholicism: Stop thinking those thoughts!
Judaism: You should have thought of that before.
Atheism: It's not a thought- it's an idea.
TV Evangelism: Don't think- have faith.
Buddhism: Think a god thought.
Zen Buddhism: It's not the thinking that counts.
Hinduism: I've had that thought before.
Theognome
Hippo
Puritan Board Junior
When being shown around Heaven a newly arrived saint was asked to speak quietly when he approached a large white building, surprised the saint asked why he had to be quiet only to be told that the building was occupied by Baptists who thought that they were the only ones in Heaven and no one wanted to upset them.
MrMerlin777
Puritan Board Post-Graduate
I believe I saw Emo Phillips tell this one back in the 1980s
steven-nemes
Puritan Board Sophomore
LOL! "Die, heretic!!"
Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
A few tidbits I've heard over the years:
- Why do they call Episcopalians "Whiske-palians"? Because whenever you find four, you'll always find a fifth.
- The nice thing about Presbyterians is that when you put 4 in a room together you'll always get at least 6 opinions.
- And this oldie but goodie: A man dies and goes to heaven. An angel shows him around and informs him that heaven is made up of many rooms in which are the various denominations. The angel takes him down a hallway upon which the man hears beautiful choral singing. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the Methodists. This is how they want to praise God." The angel takes the man a little further down the hallway and all of sudden the man hears clapping and tambourine music. "These are the charismatics," the angel explains. After several more such rooms (I've heard that the Presbyterian room had lots of snoring coming from it), the angel takes the man to the last room at the end of the hallway. The angel places his finger over his mouth and warns the man to be very, very quite. "Why?" the man asks. The angel answers, "Because this is the room with all the Baptists, and they think they're the only ones up here."
Theognome
Burrito Bill
Mark and Grace Miller were a nice couple, Southern Baptists through and through. Mark was a barber, and one of the best. I went to his shop every month for a good straight blade shave and a haircut, and to hear him preach and pray as he worked.
But I recently went to his shop, and Mark wasn't there. I was told that his mother was ill, and he went to tend to her- so his wife performed the hair services. She did a good job, but she spoke not a word during the whole cut, which really had an effect on my overall countenance.
However, I noticed that after a few days, I had not grown any of my beard. After a week, still no facial hair. After two weeks without a single whisker. I returned to the barber shop.
"Brother," I asked, "I had my usual done while you were gone, and now for the last two weeks I've stopped growing facial hair. What happened? What did she do?"
He replied, "Well, you know what they say- once shaved by Grace, always shaved by Grace."
Theognome
But I recently went to his shop, and Mark wasn't there. I was told that his mother was ill, and he went to tend to her- so his wife performed the hair services. She did a good job, but she spoke not a word during the whole cut, which really had an effect on my overall countenance.
However, I noticed that after a few days, I had not grown any of my beard. After a week, still no facial hair. After two weeks without a single whisker. I returned to the barber shop.
"Brother," I asked, "I had my usual done while you were gone, and now for the last two weeks I've stopped growing facial hair. What happened? What did she do?"
He replied, "Well, you know what they say- once shaved by Grace, always shaved by Grace."
Theognome
Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
Yep, Emo claims to be the author of the joke. I can tell it because we're related.
SolaGratia
Puritan Board Junior
Presbyterians churches have fans in their ceilings so that no one will lift up their hands.
Note:This is a joke.
Note:This is a joke.
Theognome
Burrito Bill
Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
No, it's not. I am requesting to our Session that we install ceiling fans for just that purpose.
Of course, I'll be the one in trouble, as I'm the only who lifts hands (during prayers and the benediction).
From now on, just call me stumpy. Idiot, heretic, or stumpy. Or all three.
Theognome
Burrito Bill
No, it's not. I am requesting to our Session that we install ceiling fans for just that purpose.
Of course, I'll be the one in trouble, as I'm the only who lifts hands (during prayers and the benediction).
From now on, just call me stumpy. Idiot, heretic, or stumpy. Or all three.
A heretical stumpy idiot perhaps?
Theognome
Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
Guilty!
No Longer A Libertine
Puritan Board Senior
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Rangerus
Puritan Board Junior
A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with the governor and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now get out!!.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with the governor and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now get out!!.
Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
I knew a Christian guy in college who told me he was going to be pretty upset when he got to heaven if St. Peter was there to personally greet him...
Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
rimshot!
Hey, can we get an emoticon for that?
This is as close as I can get:
Hey, can we get an emoticon for that?
This is as close as I can get:
No Longer A Libertine
Puritan Board Senior
A young single Baptist woman used to be harassed at every church function celebrating a wedding as elderly women took it upon themselves to seek her out and point at her "You're next" with an ominous finger.
They finally stopped doing this after she returned the gesture at funerals.
They finally stopped doing this after she returned the gesture at funerals.
Hippo
Puritan Board Junior
This is a true story concerning the Louvin Brothers, the finest brothers bluegrass band that we have ever seen. I cannot remember which brother is which so this element may be the wrong way round.
Ira and Charlie Louvin were on the road and Charlie (who had always been the "bad" brother) had been drinking heavily. The car stopped and Charlie jumped out, falling down the steep bank into a ditch.
Ira climbed down to help his brother and knelt by his injured sibling praying out loud "Lord please help my drunk brother" to which Charlie replied "don't tell him I'm drunk, just say that I'm sick"
Ira and Charlie Louvin were on the road and Charlie (who had always been the "bad" brother) had been drinking heavily. The car stopped and Charlie jumped out, falling down the steep bank into a ditch.
Ira climbed down to help his brother and knelt by his injured sibling praying out loud "Lord please help my drunk brother" to which Charlie replied "don't tell him I'm drunk, just say that I'm sick"
Theognome
Burrito Bill
Osama Bin Laden died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted him there.
"Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."
Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"
By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.
Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.
By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"
Peter calmly explained, "Why, Obama. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."
Theognome
"Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."
Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"
By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.
Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.
By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"
Peter calmly explained, "Why, Obama. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."
Theognome
No Longer A Libertine
Puritan Board Senior
Marrow Man
Drunk with Powder
Theo, that was the best one yet!
PresbyDane
Puritanboard Doctor
A christian and an Atheist were out walking, the Christian starts singing about God and all the joys in life.
Eventually the Atheist gets annoyed and said there is no such thing as God.
Well said the christian, ther is and he has done all these great deeds like he feed the isrealites and... and even let them go through the red sea.
"let me stop you right there, he did no such thing it was the sea of reeds and there were only a couple of inches of water..."
The Christian went silent for a couple of minutes, but then started singing again.
"what is it now, the Atheist asked"
"My God is so great he drowned Farao and all of his army in only a couple of inches of water"
Eventually the Atheist gets annoyed and said there is no such thing as God.
Well said the christian, ther is and he has done all these great deeds like he feed the isrealites and... and even let them go through the red sea.
"let me stop you right there, he did no such thing it was the sea of reeds and there were only a couple of inches of water..."
The Christian went silent for a couple of minutes, but then started singing again.
"what is it now, the Atheist asked"
"My God is so great he drowned Farao and all of his army in only a couple of inches of water"
Hippo
Puritan Board Junior
A crafty change from Osama to Obama there.
No Longer A Libertine
Puritan Board Senior
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